Sometimes a crush can become so powerful that it dominates your life. If you just can’t get them out of your head, can’t free yourself from their magnetic attraction, and just aren’t able to move on, it is likely you have fallen into a state of limerence.
The reason you can’t get over your crush is that you have accidentally trained yourself into a mental habit of constantly seeking them. The excitement and euphoria of that initial romantic connection makes them the central focus of your life, and because it feels so intoxicating and good, you don’t resist. But if you cultivate that crush for too long, it can turn into something closer to an addiction. Without realising it, you program yourself into a mental fixation that is very hard to shake off.
Romantic attachment is one of the most powerful emotional drives that people have. It’s hugely rewarding. A whole cocktail of neurotransmitters and hormones conspire to give you a massive natural high of bliss, because the prospect of bonding with this amazing other person is so appealing.
Normally, this is a good spur to get you amorous, and motivate you to seek more of their company, get to know them, and see whether they might possibly feel the same way and… be up to get down.
But, life being what it is, most crushes go nowhere. For one reason or another, things don’t work out. They are not available, or you are not available, or they are not interested in anything more than friendship. If you can sort this all out quickly, then the prospects for getting over the crush are good. If you express your feelings, and they either reciprocate (hooray!) or give you an unambiguous rejection (boo!), then you at least have the satisfaction of knowing you were courageous enough to try, but it was a romantic dead end.
Unfortunately, real life is often messier. Maybe you were too inhibited to express your feelings and end up in a confusing friendzone. Maybe there are barriers that mean you cannot start a relationship with your crush. Maybe they give you mixed messages – classics include “things are complicated for me right now,” or “I do have feelings for you, but I’m not ready for anything serious,” or “you should stay away from me; I’m bad news!”
That combination of hope with uncertainty is the catalyst for a crush that just won’t die. They give you some hints of attraction, but it comes with enough uncertainty that you just can’t figure out what they want. Or you want.
That makes them the central focus of your internal world. Not only are they dreamy and intoxicating, they are also a riddle to be solved.
An embarrassing amount of your mental energy and time is spent analysing the “relationship” with forensic precision. Reliving times when you were together, rehearsing possible conversations for the next time you’re together, scrutinising texts and emails for deeper meaning, or just plain fantasising about how you and they can end up clasped in blissful union.
So far, so typical – this is what it feels like to get infatuated. But a crush you can’t get over eventually turns sour. You start to get obsessed. You find it hard to concentrate on other things. You crave them – in an unhealthy way that feels like a compulsion more than a reward. In time, the pleasant daydreams turn into intrusive thoughts that won’t leave you alone.
This has gone beyond a crush. This is something else.
Limerence
A crush you can’t get over is a pretty good description for a psychological phenomenon known as limerence. The concept was defined by Professor Dorothy Tennov in the 1970s, following her research into romantic attachment and the infatuation that some people suffer during the early stages of love.
Her ideas proved controversial. Some dismissed them as obvious – simply the invention of an unnecessary new word to describe the symptoms of falling in love. Others were outright sceptical that anyone could be so romantically neurotic, or attach so much emotional importance to another person. Bluntly, people who had experienced limerence had no difficulty accepting its validity, those who had not viewed it as a mental disorder.
With an extra half century of scientific endeavour since Tennov’s social psychology work, we are now able to understand the behavioural observations she made in terms of neuroscience.
The best way to understand limerence is as addiction to another person. You find your crush so intoxicating, it feels impossible to resist their lure. Once you are hooked, you can think of nothing else. When being with them used to make you high, now you need contact just to feel normal. You find it hard to concentrate on everyday tasks. You neglect responsibilities.
And this is often a hidden obsession you feel guilty about – not trusting anyone with a secret shame that you sense is unhinged.
Limerence is an altered mental state that we accidentally train ourselves into by feeding our subconscious the message: your crush is rewarding. Seek more of them.
Overcoming limerence
OK. If you’ve read this far, chances are this all strikes a chord with you. What now?
Well, understanding limerence as addiction to another person isn’t just a useful analogy, it also helps focus on ways to fight back. This site is all about understanding limerence, finding ways to counteract it, and ultimately, integrating it into life in a healthy and purposeful way.
The best way to start on that project is to work your way through the key posts:
- What is limerence
- How does limerence begin?
- The neuroscience of limerence
- Person addiction
- How to get rid of limerence
- The best cure for limerence
- What to do if you are married but limerent for someone else
Those articles take you through the essential knowledge needed to both understand what is going on in your head during a crush that just won’t quit, and how to practically take action to fix the problem.
The resources page is another good jumping off point. That collects the wisdom of the last few years of limerence labour in one place.
And last, but by no means least, the community of fellow limerents at Living with Limerence are an endless source of wisdom and support. Jump into the comments section or private forum for pep talks and war stories.
You can get over a crush. It isn’t easy, but it is possible. Understanding it is the first step on the road to recovery.
I just want to welcome anyone who is new to this site. I learned about limerence 2 years ago, and it diagnosed perfectly my experience. I am at the end of a limerent episode that completely upended my life. I’m married and became mutually limerent for a married man who I trained with. It was one of the most amazing, disruptive, euphoric and devestating events in my life. After a short EA and discovery by my spouse, I cut contact with my limerent object and attempted to heal and repair my marriage. It quickly became apparent that my brain and heart hadn’t gotten the memo that it was over, and I started looking for help. That’s when I found this community. It’s not an exaggeration to say that this site , and the information and tools that I’ve found here, has been a lifesaver. When I got here my limerence was on 15 out of 10- today I’m at a 3-4. My marriage is healing and has, in many ways, never been better. I also feel that I’ve learned so much that I’m armed in case this ever begins to happen again. If you think that these articles describe you, you’ve found an amazing place to work through them.
Agree to all the above, Jane! Same with me about the marriage and NC. Even my timeframe and limerence level are where you are. There is comfort in the camaraderie of finding one’s tribe. Afterall, it was a terrifying realization that the mood swings and hits of euphoria were tied to a person — and such an oh so wrong person under the circumstances.
It’s all getting better instead of bitter, and I am significantly better armed with tools for a meaningful life and marriage. Thank you DrL! I LOVE this website and the support it gives to help with the unexpected complications of life!
Thanks Jane and Hope for your comments.
It’s great to hear that the site has helped you through life’s complications!
Yes, if you found this site, it probably means you really need it. The advice, if you follow it, will guide you threw the very rough waters of limerence. Don’t make the mistake of thinking it will be easy. If you have got it bad, it will take all your tools to extricate yourself – and probably a considerable amount of time. That is not what I wanted to hear at the outset. I think it can be shortened if you are lucky enough to find some other affection, or real purposeful living, you may soften the impact. But one thing is for sure, it will be a bumpy road with plenty of setbacks. You are going to have to be kind to yourself – and also kind to others – that will help. The limerent space is hostile and uninhabitable.I wish you luck on your journey back into a state of well-being or letgo. That is where you can really live.
I struggle on a few points these days. I am slowly putting some distance between myself and LO; just baby steps. Less messaging, no meeting, etc. It feels right. BUT…our circles are pretty close, and neighborhoods, and contacts of all sorts. I am curious to hear from anyone who recovered from limerence while not having the luxury of being able to completely disconnect from LO. I am so envious of those people whose LO just got up and moved away haha…I suppose then we would still pine after them and imagine what a wonderful life they are having.
Hi Steve, there are some blogs on this site that give advice on how to slowly disentangle. I didn’t have much luck with that and eventually had to go completely NC. That included mutual acquaintances because messages were being passed. Full disclosure to SO ended up being the driving force. He recognized the mess I was in and insisted on NC. I agreed … it was my bottom. The LE, at least to this intensity, was a very rare occasion, but now I do see a (what I thought was beneign) pattern that needs addressed. Hard work ahead, but I’m hoping the payoff will be sanity and serenity — at the very least — awareness to danger and how to back away safely like you are doing. I wish you luck, and keep reading all you can about what constitutes healthiness to recognize situations that warrant a hasty retreat sooner! 😊
I live very close to my LO, and in these two years of NC I still see him close to every week- sometimes more. It isn’t ideal, but I am still recovering. It can be done. I really believe that recovery is a matter of absolute willingness rather than circumstance.
And Holly- yes to all of the above. This limerent bottom for me absolutely exposed some things that have been there for me for a long time, and it’s giving me that chance to deal with them finally. I look forward to the best years ahead!
Song of the Day (redux): “Guadalcanal March” – “Victory At Sea” (1959)
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=chxtUvDh8Jw
🙂
Oh my gosh!!! HOPE, not Holly. Sorry!!!!!
I just found this site yesterday. Wish I’d know about limerence three-and-a-bit years ago, but better late than never and I guess I’ve learned a lot from fumbling my way through it. Maybe.
Anyway, I’ve just started reading through your excellent writings but wanted to reach out and say thank you for what you’re sharing, here. It’s validating and empowering to know I’m really not alone in this experience. Just like quitting alcohol and nicotine years ago, because they were making me ill, I now resolve to abstain from addictive connections with others, for the same reason.
Do you recommend reading through in chronological order or just dive in and click on the headings that look interesting?
Ugh, sorry, I posted before I’d read this entire article through (I’d read several others previously). Thanks again 🙂
I’ve been reading this site for a few months, and it’s been really helpful.
I am married. I am deep in limerence with another woman. Me and my LO became very close during lockdown last year. We share similar interests and hobbies. We developed a mutual attraction. I began to depend on her, to obsess about her, and to crave her. My LO felt the same way. I realized I had slipped into an emotional affair. We discussed this openly, and agreed not to take it any further.
I told my wife about it. We talked through it, talked about what it meant and how to overcome it as a couple. I never pursued anything physical with my LO, and my wife trusts me not to. We’re open about the crush I developed.
But I am still obsessed with my LO. It’s been a year. We’re still very close, we still get coffee together, we still exercise together, we still watch movies together. I still fantasize about her. My wife is very aware of all of this and trusts me to not take it any further. I always talk to my wife and make sure she is comfortable with me seeing my LO before I schedule anything. We have a weekly check in (my wife and I) to see where she’s at emotionally and to see if any behaviors should be changed. I feel like I am managing this well. But I also feel like it is a ticking time bomb.
I am very confused. I feel my body, my mind, and my soul craving this other person. But I trust myself not to give in to any of that. I’m still feeding that part of myself, though. I’m spending a lot of time with my LO. We get closer and closer. It feels like it should be dangerous, or like I should cut off things, but everyone in my life is fully aware of everything that’s happening and trusts each other completely.
That’s quite astonishing your wife is that accepting of your close intimate contact with your LO. It’s wonderful you are able to be that communicative with her about it but how is she coping with it? Does she know you still spend that much time with your LO? I imagine it would be very difficult to get over LO if you are spending that much time with them, and continuing to get closer with them.
I loved a girl but she doesn’t like and I cannot concentrate on other work like studies so what should I do
You’ve disclosed I presume. You’ve got to sit back and look at what happened. Take a deep breath. Its over, the supply is gone. It gonna hurt now. Try and stay away from the girl as much as possible, which is no or limited contact. If you are suffering from intrusive thoughts, those will take time to subside, but they will go eventually.
You should probably tell your tutor that you can’t focus on your studies too, maybe they can arrange some extensions or extra help for you to help you catch up, whilst you deal with this.
um. hi. HAHA well im a sixteen year old and its been a whole year since ive had a crush on a guy– my best friend online. and its ridiculous. its absolutely ridiculous how i simply cannot fucking get him out of my mind, its so hard for me to focus everyday because i keep thinking about him romantically yet its just not meant to happen. i cant stop. it just doesnt stop, its all jsut pointless. i think edating is plain masochism + immatureness in teens because 90% of young couples online just break up eventually without fail and (to boot!) do it thru petty arguments and the ilk; it’s just not fated to be taken seriously and love is an important matter to me. its special. i want things to go somewhere but edating is just walking in circles whilst waiting to get tired of it. ive always thought this way yet never had felt such deep feelings for anyone else in my life before– its just so fucking ridiculous man. i feel like i love him but thats too deep and im too young so im bound to be wrong about that. i dont know what to do. i cant distance myself, i just cant and although he seems to like me too surprisingly i push him away because i dont want this exact mental state i find myself in to harm him or our bond in any way, but only repeat the cycle of rentlessly chasing for what he makes me feel. its so tiring. i fuckinh love him but he does this to me and for what? i wish i was normal. i wish i wasnt like this. its all just so messy and theres so many more layers to this but. sorry i guess this article just brought this all to surface i guess. ty for writing about this ♡ its smth that really happens nowadays and im glad im not alone here.