Following on from the last post on guilt, another aspect of limerence that I haven’t much covered in the blog so far is the loneliness. They’re linked, of course, because limerence is a guilty secret you can’t share with anyone, unless you want them to think you are mad. Or at least, that’s what most limerents believe.
It’s amazing how isolating a secret that consumes you can be. Especially if you are ashamed of it, or ashamed of yourself. It’s like you’re going through the motions of life but inwardly churning; that the emotional pressure is building up to the point that you are about to burst or break down, but there’s no release valve that you can safely open. Other times – especially when LO has done or said something cold – you are plunged into a dark depression, but try to keep smiling because you’ve got no good cause to be so distraught and you know it.
Well, one possible outlet is the internet and – *gasp* – this very site could help! There are plenty of fellow sufferers here who will understand.
So why is it that limerence seems such an isolating experience? What are the factors that make it so difficult to share our limerence secret, and what makes the loneliness so potent?
1) We think that it shouldn’t be happening
As with the guilt, most limerents know that the feelings we experience are exaggerated beyond all reason. Unless we get the immediate and matched reciprocation of mutual limerence, the asymmetry of feeling makes us feel pretty foolish, especially once the first euphoria has worn off and settled into the obsessive phase. Limerence in adulthood is another little jab – surely we should be past this sort of overwhelming crush by now? We’re not lovestruck teenagers any more! There is a sense that if we shared the true depth of our emotional reaction with friends or family, they would justifiably mock or pity us for our lack of self-control.
2) If the limerence is unrequited, we think you should just get over it
Even if you do share the strength of your feelings with LO, the likeliest outcome is that they will not be interested. I mean, just statistically speaking it’s unlikely that your attractions will match (unless you’re gorgeous, I suppose). At the point of learning that LO is indeed not interested, the uncertainty is settled. So, obviously, it’s time for you to move on. Easy.
We do have a curious sort of dichotomy in popular culture when it comes to love and romance. On the one hand we exult the soul-transforming power of true love, of love-at-first-sight, of unwavering romantic commitment. But then, on the other hand, if the object of our affections doesn’t reciprocate, we’re told that there are plenty more fish in the sea, and they’re just not that into you. Move along.
Most of us have a sense that once a lack of interest on LO’s part has been established, any remaining romantic feelings for them are shameful and even a bit creepy. Well, multiply that by a factor of eleventy for limerence and most of us choose to keep it to ourselves and suffer in silence. Even seeking comfort from a friend can feel hard, because the likeliest response is to (sympathetically) point out that there’s no sense in chasing a hopeless case.
That’s all true, of course, but unfortunately your limerent subconscious is impervious to reason.
3) If the limerence is requited it can be even worse
Let’s say, in contrast to the previous scenario, that LO does reciprocate. Even then, it’s not always sunshine and rainbows time. Oftentimes there a barriers in the way, like long-term commitments to other people. This makes the limerence worse, as we’ve discussed many times, but it also makes the situation more furtive and secretive because – even if everyone involved has good intentions – the possibility of an affair is now there, hanging in the air, like electricity waiting to be discharged. If you know your LO reciprocates but one or both of you is conflicted, then the agony of forbidden desire is even more acute and the guilt is even worse.
One-sided limerence is bad enough to make you feel like an emotional betrayer, but mutual limerence with a barrier is an even more shameful secret.
4) You feel that you don’t deserve support
Harbouring a secret you’re ashamed of is debilitating. The usual strategy for dealing with this is to seek support from a partner or friend, but for all the reasons outlined above, most people choose to try and manage the pain internally, rather than reaching out for support. Better to carry this burden than have others think badly of you. That, of course, is the major cause of the loneliness and isolation.
5) Isolation makes rumination worse
The final little cherry on the shit cake is that holding secrets in, feeling alone and unsupported, makes you anxious. And that makes you more vulnerable to rumination. Your brain has learned the unfortunate lesson that thinking about LO can give you a low grade dopamine hit, and so when you are stressed and lonely it cleverly decides to try and alleviate some of that misery by pushing thoughts about LO into your mind. When relief from the pain of limerence comes from thoughts that reinforce limerence, you’re in for a nasty downward spiral towards emotional hell.
So, what can be done? Well, I suppose the obvious thing is to unburden yourself of your secrets. Most of us are far more ashamed of our own flaws and less forgiving of our shortcomings than we are of others. Friends and family may well be more empathetic and supportive than we expect. They do, generally, care about our suffering.
Disclosure to a partner is another strategy to consider, and I would advocate it in most cases. Although difficult in the short term, it re-establishes trust, properly confides in the person you agreed to share your life with, and could result in the most motivated champion you could ever hope for, helping you to get past the limerence.
If those options aren’t open to you, another possibility is personal counselling. A professional who is impartial, and there to listen and help you, can give you a outlet for healthy unburdening. And finally, as I said at the outset, reading this and other sites, commenting anonymously, and knowing that you are not alone can do a world of good.
Suffering in silence is overrated. Better to be courageous, honest, and take on the loneliness and the limerence purposefully.
P.S. Just passed the 100 posts milestone!
I don’t like this word for this condition but yes my opinion only.
To me limerance sounds so silly.
Why not call it what it is?! Obsession!
Just call it obsession and OCD plain and simple.
I have an obsessive mind in general, its a personality trait, (or mental illness?). So when the object for the obsession is someone you find attractive and long for, of course the OCD mind will get drowned by the low seritonin, high dopamin kicks etc…
I’ve just found this site by desperately googling limerence once again, with new keywords this time. It’s such a relief to see recent comments.
My current LO of six years has slowly but surely stopped talking to me because I confessed my feelings in the middle of a delusional episode after hurricane María. It was the most embarrassing and painful time of my life. She was like a mom to me, and I hurt her. Now I’m struggling with believing I can move on and forgive myself. But god, I’m so glad I can finally put a name to this. I’ve been seeing an excellent therapist since my episode, and we’re working on the obsession at this point in the process.
Thank you so much for this website. I can’t wait to look through and start to find some relief.
Because the root cause of limerence is different than the root cause of obsession. From my own painful experience with limerence, it has as much to do with things that may be lacking or hurting or lost in us as it does with our perception of how beautiful, wonderful or awesome the LO is. I don’t believe the concept of obsession takes this aspect into account the way limerence does. The very word itself suggests a “reflection,” a property of light, whereby the emotion is emitted by the limerent, and reflects off of the LO as something else. And primarily what we want is for the LO to feel the way we feel about them. Limerence is about the desire to be desired – and the pain that desire can cause. The concept of “obsession” falls short here. And when the LO doesn’t reciprocate, there’s so much more personal aguish involved that “obsession” just doesn’t carry the mail, definition-wise. In fact, I think limerence might be one of the most spot-one psychological terms I’ve ever encountered – and if you’ve ever been limerent for someone who didn’t share your feelings, you’d recognize it as such, as well.
Limerence is about the desire to be desired – so true. Could not have a better definition than this. I am someone who is living with this pain for the last 40 years from age 9 with same LO who is also the same age as me. I had a relief for 20 years and during the time that I found my wonderful SO, had a really great love life, wedding and build the family with beautiful kids. But the ghost of my LO started for follow me again for the last 7 years when I saw him in a school social media group and pain I have been suffering is beyond words. I am at last glad that there is name for it and know that there are people who can understand this agony. Thank you so much for the website and people who have contributed their knowledge and experience.
Dear Sunshine,
You are in good company because there are two posters here, Nisor, and John, eho have long term LEs just like you. If you follow the comments in the blogs from the recent month or so, you will get a lot from their exchange. I do, and I am only just observing (my LE is more recent, though not very recent 5 years!! Debilitating for the last 2 years). Have a nice weekend.
It’s different than obsession d/t the root cause stemming from a childhood attachment issue
Hello all I just found out my lo who I’ve believed I have been in love with for the past two years is moving away. The pain is soul crushing. I cannot talk to anyone in my life no one will understand I feel only someone on this forum will. Only someone who has been through it and that’s nobody in my life unfortunately. I just wish I could vent and analyze my feelings. I know it’s the best thing that can ever happen to me the universe answered my prayers. Has anyone had any experience with an lo moving away and how you felt after? How did you cope? Were you devastated? Did it get better? Did you get a better understanding of the entire thing as time went by? It feels like I’m in the throes of a drug addiction nothing makes sense and I am acting on instinct!!! Please help!!!!
You don’t really cope, you just continue. Over the time the chemicals in your brain start going back to normal and your thoughts and feelings start to lessen. It happens in stages, but after three years, for me it is still there but the agony is gone, it’s just a depressing yearning. But I can go a few hours without LO crossing my mind, not sure how many as still one of the first and last things in my mind when awake.
After the LO is gone it takes some time but after couple of weeks or months the affection stops lingering forever and fades away. Precisely, the chemicals wear off, the physical barrier and no contact with LO let you “forget” quite quickly. In the longer terms it is great that you can finally breathe and move on. The problem is only if you have a tendency to move on to another LO in no time but I guess it’s other subject.
This is probably the post on this this blog with which I can most relate; all of the above that has been described (ever so well) is exactly my situation.
Well, maybe apart from one thing: The main reason I choose not to tell my friends os that I don’t have any trustworthy enough to keep my secret, especially without teasing me about it constantly because they’ve never heard of ‘limerence’. Because of this, I can’t see a point in telling anyone (my family would just make fun of me for the rest of my life, no one else is a limerent except me), so I am forced to find other outlets.
A month ago, I was about to snap. My stress was building up so much that I was considering the possibility that I would start to go crazy and the only way to prevent this would be to disclose to someone, anyone, and face eternal torment. So much so, I couldn’t tell what was going to happen nor if I would end up disclosing in a fit of panic and emotional claustrophobia.
But then I discovered this site while searching for ‘how to get rid of limerence’, when a link to a blog post of the same name loaded on my explorer. After reading it through, I visited the ‘Living With Limerence’ home page and quickly made my nest there. Since then, I’ve been reading the whole blog and releasing all of my overloaded, compressed feelings of obsession where possible, asking for help simultaneously.
So, to sum up, what I am trying to say is that, basically, this site saved my sanity and life. As I work through LE#1, my emotions are finally able to set themselves free with the knowledge that other people are experiencing the same thing, put neatly into one site that makes the whole situation very relatable.
Thanks for setting up this site, Dr. L.! It’s really helped me cope.
You’re very welcome Anon Limerent. Really glad it helped – and it helped me too, in exorcising my own experience by sharing with the world.
You are best placed to judge, but it’s possible your friends could surprise you. I guess it comes down to their level of maturity and compassion, but it’s also a good way of figuring out which friends are worth sticking with. If they have your back through limerence, they’re solid bets for the long run.
Well…I want say thank you for this website.
Just started learning (obsessing)bout limerence
Two-three days ago.
Think I and my wife are limerent. Fits our history… But worse, my wife has a new lo who also seems…. Fixated to an unhealthy degree.
We all are….
Who needs Hollywood when you can live the reality of this nightmare?
Anyway… Just having an understanding…. Helps?
Omg, thank you! Finally I know what has been going on with me virtually all my life. What about medication? Is there any?
Sry, I didn’t mean to reply your comment, just the blog in general.
Hi Veronica,
There is no medication approved for limerence, because it isn’t classified as a mental illness (in my view, correctly).
Some people have reported improvement in their limerence symptoms when on medication for other conditions (e.g. OCD, depression, bipolar disorder) but these are obviously not drugs to mess around with, and should only be taken under the care of a medical professional.
As ”limerance” is an OCD problem as well as low seratonin etc, yes antidepressants may lighten things up for the sufferer. Antidepressants are given out to OCD patients.
I’m not advicatong for medication though! I think anything that plays with the chemistry in your bakn/body is scary stuff. But maybe it can be a solution for people who also have a good caring doctor that can keep a good track of the patient!
Still I believe therapy and cooping tools would be best…
I’ve never had these feelings for anyone except my wife. When this happened to me (limerence)my wife was
Suffering with depression.
I was looking for someone to provide support. I guess my brain was missing my s.o. and this felt like a quick fix.
Congrats on the 100th post!
Finding this site has been a huge help.
I think I’m in a very fortunate minority that I do have a very good friend who I met at school about 20 years ago, and we can share pretty much anything. She was the first person I disclosed to. She supported me for a few months (eg meeting me for lunch so I wasn’t with LO) and basically listening without judging. She did encourage me to disclose to SO, but my first attempt to downplayed it.
She was also the one to say “Soph, you probably need some proper help now” and helped me find a therapist.
Once I’d started NC, whenever I was tempted to contact LO I’d message her instead.
So I was very lucky. Whilst I don’t think she truly understood the limerence, she saw what it was doing to me and supported accordingly. Sharing with people here who do understand is even better!
Thank you
Your blog is the only thing that I’ve found helpful. Even therapists have been dismissive about this, and I’ve found solace and relief from the shame by literally starving and throwing up, I feel calm afterwards like I’ve paid and purged out all the shame (not only from limerence, various other dross). That lasts For about 30 minutes. Im trying to get distance and thanks to your advice will not disclose to LO (we’Re both married). Several professional factors complicate this however. I have the guide and I’m trying, but I’m also trying not to actively or passively die in the process. Thanks and keep up the good work.
Hi Feesh,
Sorry to hear what you are going through, but glad the site is helping.
Also sorry to hear that therapists have been dismissive. Finding the right fit is tricky – there has to be a natural bond of trust develop between therapist and client and it sounds like yours have failed at that so far. I’m sure you know that trying to regain control by controlling your body is not a viable long term coping strategy, so trying again to find the right person is worth a go. Distance from LO also sounds like a very good plan.
Look after yourself. Life can be better than this.
Top post again Dr L, I agree with all of that and have been through it all. I’d add for me there’s a loneliness now that I’m NC as well.
Work is far quieter and less fun without LO (admittedly less anxiety too) and I’ve lost my confidant, my wingman. That was always going to be the case once she left, but there are often things that I think she’d find funny and want to text her about and I can’t now that I’m NC. The ending of that connection is hard and not easy to replace. She was one of the few people I’d ever really let in and it clearly went too far but it leaves a hole that will take a long time to fill.
Yeah, that’s a great point, Vincent. A different brand of loneliness hits hard during no contact. That fits in with the idea of “disenfranchised grief” that came up in another comment section. I’m thinking of writing a post on that once I’ve done a bit more research into it.
Great – I look forward to reading that when you do.
I think for me, there’s two parts to the loneliness in NC. Firstly the loss of a friendship, which is an odd sensation. Normally friendships gradually fade away and you don’t notice, but here I’ve made an active decision to end something I enjoyed and came to rely on. Much more of akin to a break-up of a relationship in that sense. So there is a loneliness where I used to have interaction and connection.
Then secondly, the inability to talk about that grief with anyone is also lonely, maybe isolating is a better term. I’m not supposed to have felt this way over a coworker and so no one is really going to understand my pain. My SO, coworkers, friends don’t know that I’m carrying this around with me, and it’s hard. That’s why I have a therapist and this blog to help thankfully but sometimes I feel like I need to let it all out.
I too am suffering in silence from limerence with a co-worker. I’m married and my LO engaged. For 2 months he reciprocated then suddenly, he told me basically, that his guilt was getting to him. I was and still am crushed. It makes it harder that he is a very nice man and still tries to be my friend( seemingly out of pity). I’m a very strong woman and it really takes a lot to make me cry and loose sleep at night. I never would wish this on anyone. I want and need a good therapist but I’m glad to know that I’m not alone.
Totally agree with all that is said here. In my past bouts with limerence, I definitely experienced the dismissal of friends and even so-called “professionals” who didn’t seem to grasp the neuro-chemical side of this, and the fact that it is every bit as addicting (and damaging) as opioids, booze or gambling. If you other limerents, like me, come from a long line of OCD sufferers you know what I mean. It’s not a choice, it’s a bio-chemical imperative.
Here’s one small tip I’ll share, even though I’m in the throes of limerence episode #6 right now, and arguably not qualified to advise anyone. My SO being from Europe is an adherent to homeopathy, and one remedy in particular – hypericum perforatum – seems to have a tremendous beneficial effect on stabilizing my mood and helping me break out of negative thought cycles. If you’re open to homeopathy, you might give it a try.
All the best to my fellow sufferers…
MiT
Hi MIT. Not sure you’re still on the site as this is an old comment . But I’m going to try the hypericum perforatum. As an aside, despite being from Europe, I’m of view that homeopathy is a load of old codswallop (with total respect to all – from any continent who believe it). But I’m so miserable I’m throwing everything at this. I hope things improved for you.
I have been wondering about this ‘treatment’ ! Do tell us if it helps you!
First of all, thanks so much for this site. It’s really the only resource I’ve found that seems to accurately capture and understand what I’m going through right now, and given that I feel too ashamed to discuss with friends or family, it’s become my only way of feeling like I’m not alone in this. I’m currently in a committed relationship with a wonderful guy. He’s clearly the best thing that has ever happened to me, but we’re now in the phase where the “honeymoon” feelings are wearing off, and despite feeling that this would never happen to me, I recently developed very strong feelings for a new coworker. Totally took me by surprise, at first I just found him kind of goofy, but as I started talking to him more I found him really intellectually engaging, funny, charming, and increasingly physically attractive. At some point I started to notice that after interacting with him I would feel “high” – like, walking on air, like I could lift a car or conduct a symphony or just about anything. Hmm, that’s weird I thought. But seemed like a nice/good thing. Except then it progressed to intrusive thoughts, fantasies, covert texting (nothing inappropriate but still covert) and violent mood swings depending on whether he had validated me or not that day. Sounds familiar right?
Unfortunately, these feelings were making me less present and distracted when I would return home to my wonderful partner. Also I found the intensity of my feelings for LO interfering like static with my more comfy/companionate feelings for my SO. I feel so bad about this. I know the limerent feelings are not healthy or sustainable, and that it’s not realistic to expect a long term relationship to feel like that. I don’t agree with the conventional internet wisdom indicating that if you have an intense “crush” on someone else, you should end your relationship. Thanks to this site for not buying into that nonsense.
On top of that, i’ve become increasingly aware that LO would probably not make a good partner – he doesn’t even make a very good friend! Unfortunately he has the exact right combination of traits to keep me hooked. One day it’s a sweet text on my birthday, the next I’m being ignored like I don’t exist. Nice, right? He’s a nice guy, just seems clueless/careless with other people’s feelings. (He told me he’s heard that before). He’s also more the type of guy that I used to fall for – outgoing, charismatic, athletic, a man’s man. Which, by the way never worked out well for me. My current SO is the only happy relationship I’ve ever been in, but he’s shy, quiet, and has very “soft” energy for a guy. He’s not “one of the guys.” I’m really disappointed in myself, after all the bad experiences i’ve been through in the past, and all I’ve learned, that i’m now falling back into this old pattern of wanting the “bad boy.”
So now this weekend here I am in a low-grade depression because of something LO said to me on Thursday, and i am barely able to focus on anything because of how sad I feel about it. And worst of all, I feel I have no one to talk to about it, so it’s like a poison just festering inside. This last incident of feeling “burned” by LO has made me want to dial back our interactions big time, which is probably a good thing, but I feel so sad at the prospect of having to do this, and it’s gonna be a super huge bummer as we have to interact professionally quite frequently. Right now i am just feeling really sad about the whole thing, and wondering why this guy had to come into my life.
Thanks for all the great articles and posts on this blog, it’s just about the only thing that helps.
Hi LimerentLimerick,
Gosh yes, that’s a great “classic limerence” story. The encouraging thing reading it (having read a few stories now) is that you’ve got the right mental “positioning” for mastering it. You’re analysing what’s happening, and analysing your behaviour, and recognising the mismatch between what your limerence is driving you to seek versus what you know is healthy and good for you. That’s a massive first step. It doesn’t turn the limerence off, of course, but it means that you are in control of the narrative and making purposeful decisions.
And yeah, I remember the depressions when LO had said or done something callous or indifferent. Another good motivator for sticking to the plan of mastering limerence – why should they get to dictate your mood?! They’re not that special. No matter what our limerent brains say.
I can relate to your situation to an inch… I hope it’s not too intrusive question – how are you now, sfter 2 years? I chose your approach as well and told my partner about everything; I know its not same for everyone but I really hope that I’ll beat my cognitive dissonance in this situation… my coworking LO went into silent treatment so it helped me put things in perspective and allaround in me letting him go from inside my being… Sorry if my english is all around, Im from croatia so I try to manage xD
Anyway – I hope you stay kind to yourself in your toughest moments and here, I offer you conversation whenever you need it, if you are still struggling with sharing something, maybe it’ll help us both.. I am a believer that people are here to help each other if they possibly can.
Much blessings and love to you, take care and wish you all the best, as well as everyone else in our shoes! ♥️
I thank you for this blog. This is the biggest roller coaster of emotions. I feel like I’m doing well and then wammo! Back to being obsessed again. LO is my boss. I am hurting. He emotionally crossed professional lines and as soon as I became attatched, he started to distance. I am not sure what is going on. I want out but I don’t. We are not available but can talk about anything. I am in despair right now.
Hey I read your post and it really concerned me that it’s your boss and the agony you must have felt (or still feel)I know it’s been quite a while ago but just want to know how you’re doing now. I hope and pray you’re better. 🙏🏾
I think I’ve worn out my long suffering friends with my frequent venting during a LE that never seems to end. I’ve now decided to soldier on without burdening them, and am sadly facing the fact that that life is no longer in technicolor, a dull ache in my soul is my new reality, and that a truly healthy future romantic experience will never engender the intoxicating euphoria that created the limerent junkie that I am. I shall listlessly continue to take steps toward purposeful living and strive to use thought control to stop self-administering a “hit”. It seems most of my life has been one LE after another…often lasting for many years. I am determined there will never be another and that thought is bleak…but the only way to true self-respect. I am immeasurably grateful to this site for the comfort and solace it offers, for the community of fellow sufferers who are working toward “limerent sobriety” along with me, and for the kind and sensible advice offered.
Wow – have you been reading my journal? This is exactly how I feel. A never-ending dull ache.
Hello,
This is so true, I have been reading your blog for nearly a year at the point when I first realised the emotional affair I was having was wrong and I couldn’t continue it anymore, I was close to brake down and confided in a friend. I then went into a battle of on and off NC for the next 6 months, your other blogs helped me understand what was happening and made me realise I’d had episodes of limerence before. I’m on LO 5 and definitely the biggest, longest and most destructive. Since Oct I’ve been in NC, only contacting LO once beginning of Dec on his birthday (good excuse). I’m through the battle of on and off contact and is easier to avoid temptation now, but what this blog didn’t prepaire me for was the catastrophic loneliness and depression I’m now in. I told my SO about the affair in Oct but downplayed it, I just don’t know how I could possibly tell him about Limerence, I don’t know if anyone could really understand it unless they have been through it themselves. It really is an out of proportion and lengthy process. While most people experience heart break at some point in their lives, there is something more with limerence, it really is so disproportionate, I know LO really isn’t that special and we never got to actually have a proper relationship so why do I feel so heart broken, lost, lonely and depressed? I have spoken to my friend but even she said she is fed up with hearing about it now! So I think it a good idea to let others know out there once you won the battle of going NC and sticking with it (one day at a time) be prepaired for the depression after that. I thought after 4 months and only one text conversation the ruminating, longing and repetitive thoughts would be diminishing by now but it’s still there forefront of my mind everyday like a fog or automatated computer stuck on the same song. If Dr limerence or anyone has any advice on how long to expect this to last, what else to expect and how to keep getting through would be appreciated. I’m trying to live purposefully and really can not see how I could talk about it really. I just want this to end and to have control over my mind again. Kind regards
J
NC lasted 3 months for me. It was extremely difficult and still terribly lonely, though I was able to focus more clearly on family, work, and hobbies. The thoughts of LO didn’t go away; I somehow remained disciplined to not act on them. When LO sent me a card 2 months into NC, it took everything I had to not reach out. But it set off more uncertainty (great…) One month later, NC ended as I saw her in the office visiting some co-workers. By that time, I had felt that something was gonna give, as if I had reached my limit of NC (hard to explain, but I REALLY missed LO). That was a very emotional moment to physically see her, though I did not talk to her that day. I felt upset, uncomfortable, and relieved all at once. I found out later she was returning to work part-time (seasonal), so I would be interacting with her in the future. We set up a lunch when I, for lack of a better word, “disclosed” how the NC period made me feel, and I bluntly asked why she sent that card. I am upset by the card (and honestly, a part of me is flattered), but it did test my resolve. The NC period turned out to be difficult for her, and during NC I did keep telling myself not to care what she was thinking (didn’t always work). But her thoughts/feelings weren’t my problem anymore.
Currently, we are “good friends”, and I am able to function a helluva lot better than one year ago with LO around. NC did ultimately give me significant relief, though NC was not permanent. I am getting better, but not “all better”. I am trying to figure out how to navigate a world where I know we will have future social events together and mutual friends. Things are still dangerous with LO around. I do believe I am able to go NC again if that becomes feasible and necessary. That does not mean it will be easy or what all parts of me wants to do.
Hello everyone, this is my first comment so let me start with a test post.
Welcome Midlifer!
This is a good opportunity for a public service announcement – all first comments will get caught in the moderation queue, and I need to manually release them when I next log in. After that all future comments should be autoapproved (unless they contain links). This can be a little delayed due to my staff consisting of me only 🙂
And another PS – I totally get how sensitive limerence is as a subject, so use any name you like in the comment form (which will be shown), and wordpress users may want to make sure they log out before commenting, in case of unintended “reveals”!
Hi! I also want to add my thanks for this site. I stumbled on it while searching for ways to ease my “heart break” (what I thought I had at the time). I never heard of Limerence before, and after reading this blog and readers’ comments I have all the classic symptoms. I’m relieved I’m not alone, crazy, or weak of mind but have an illness. I decided to go NC about 5 months ago , not knowing NC was one way to rid of Limerence, because I was so miserable and if “love” made me feel wretched constantly then I didn’t want it. I thought by now it would have subsided, but it hasn’t abated. Is there anything else to do? Or will I be in this hell hole for the rest of my life? I tried to stay busy but cannot banish LO from my thought, and each day is a struggle with an overwhelming sadness and longing. I have never felt this way for anyone, much less a person I barely knew.
Hi,
I’m going through the exact same thing: LE#1 is torture for me.
At first, I though it was love, too, but I did some research and found this blog, which has helped me massively. The only thing I can say is that I don’t know how my limerence will work out either; whether it will eventually fade or I’ll be trapped in Hell for the next two and a half years of my life, until I reach the end of secondary school and may never see LO again.
I’d say this is not my primary concern though – having the limerence doesn’t really matter as such, it’s how your life is affected through having it that counts. The only thing keeping me going right now are optimistic visions of my (both emotional and educational) future in conjunction with the knowledge that other people are going through, and understand, the same situation.
Hope this helped you and I’m sorry to hear about your problem!
P.S. Also, playing video games is a rather effective strategy, I’ve found.
It may additionally help to gauge how long you’ve been limerent so far and apply the same emotional gradient (linear or exponential, depending on the intensity of LE) to the next significant period in your life (year? Decade?). This should help you in estimating how long it will go on for.
FYI, this is day #223 for me! *Exhausted*
“Have an illness.”
I don’t know what you took from this site, but limerence, is most certainly NOT defined as an illness. It’s more a state of mind/ridiculously (can’t stress this enough) intense emotion.
Hi Anonymous Limerent,
Thanks for the encouraging words. Perhaps not illness but mental disorder? To answer your previous question, I don’t know how many days exactly. I met LO around this time last year, ~mid-February 2018. I didn’t develop attachment until May. In July, I felt he became distant and that was when I started to have crazy, obsessive thoughts going over and over previous conversations, texts, etc. and imagining all scenarios and what ifs. It made me crazy so I tried NC but relapsed. It was not until late September that I just stopped due to it affecting my daily life. He wrote me once in early October, but I didn’t answer. In January of this year, I stalked his social media account once for a few minutes. He seemed to be doing just fine without me, and this made me even more depressed. Daily I wish he would reach out and tell me he misses me, but he hasn’t.
Okay sad,
First up; limerence is not an illness, a mental disorder nor evolutionary hiccup. From what I’ve gathered throughout Wikipedia and various other sources (this site included), it’s more like just an emotion. It might feel like you are disordered emotionally at times, but really it’s just an unnecessarily overpowered feeling of yearning for an individual.
Next, you say you don’t know the exact amount of time you’ve been limerent. Do you remember the trigger and when it happened? For me, my LO looked at me in the eyes while she asked me a question but I didn’t know I had any feelings after the original surge of exhilarating crush until I realised I couldn’t stop thinking about her. This was gradually built up day by day so I didn’t notice immediately – but evidently, limerence can take a while to initiate full-blown infatuation following the aforementioned trigger.
As for going NC, I know it’s really hard. If anyone knows that, it’s me – I go to school every week and am in the same class as her, so I physically can’t. But here’s an idea: With the big picture in mind (especially as you seem to be growing extremely melancholic with each encounter, both faux and real), try envisioning how the limerence is making you feel overall before contacting LO. Do you feel depressed after encounters? If so, and I’m suspecting the answer us probably ‘yes’, use this to stop yourself doing it. Remind yourself how terrible encounters are and shy away from them in future. It will save you sadness and jealousy.
In addition, analysis may help. In expansion, I mean this: Whenever you go to do something LO-related, whenever you go somewhere you know LO is, analyse your reasons for doing so. Why are you trying to do this? Is it because of LO, or some other genuine reason? Remember, delusional rationalisation DOES NOT COUNT AS A GENUINE REASON.
I hope this helps – may you have a depression- and melancholy- free St Valentine’s Day! 💛
Thank you, Dr. L and all commenters. This site was of incalculable value to me, first by helping me understand a bewildering experience, second by showing we are all in good company, third by offering a wealth of specific insights, perspectives, and information, and fourth by providing a credible resource I could share with a few trusted others. Telling supportive others helps to deflate the obsession at least a bit. After telling my therapist, the next person I told was a close, non-judgmental, observant friend who had witnessed my behavior around LO as compared with my spouse and guessed that I had a ‘wild crush’ on LO. Busted! How embarrassing. I hid my face in shame even while admitting to her that she was on the right track. Being able to talk about it as limerence helped me to have a cathartic conversation with my friend, especially hearing myself explain out loud why starting an affair would have been instantly devastating, and that, in turn, began to free me from the irrational compulsion of the ‘thwarted love’ story.
The day after attending a
meeting of a support group for people recovering from any sort of addiction, I told my spouse because I just couldn’t hold back any more. My spouse’s support keeps me stronger for a long, hard climb to a better life. I’m getting reacquainted with what it’s like to concentrate at work, and to choose social activities based on my real priorities rather than seeking proximity to LO with every choice. It’ll be tough to stay the course, but there is hope. It gets easier as the tangible rewards of better choices start to build up — like seeing how my spouse feels happy, loved, liked, and respected when I give him my undivided attention, and getting back on track for promotion at work.
Still, there is intense heartbreak with seeing less of LO. I sobbed so much the other day I could hardly chew and swallow my breakfast, because LO had sent me a picture of himself having a great time at an event I chose not to attend with him. Told my spouse and he said, ‘well, of course a single guy with no responsibilities seems to lead a charmed life, who wouldn’t want to join him? But you have the rewards of a different kind of life.’ This reminded me that instead of getting up early on a cold morning to go to the event with LO, I’d been able to enjoy cuddling with my spouse in the warm home we’ve made together. Seeing it in that light felt better. Obvious as it seems, it took a perspective other than my own to point it out.
So: the heartbreak. I remember Peter O’Toole as Lawrence of Arabia saying something like, ‘the trick is not minding that it hurts’. Because it will hurt. But if I try not to mind that it hurts, I hope that’ll ease my passage to a time when the heartbreak has mostly subsided.
Hello, all,
For St. Valentine’s Day: what’s your plan? I’ve arranged to be absent from the weekly Thursday commitment where I usually see LO. Being anywhere near him on St. Valentine’s Day would certainly tempt me to make a fool of myself, or worse. And, while I expect the day will bring an extra dose of pain no matter what, I think it’d be worse being around him than not. Gotta remember that: LO=pain.
Good luck, everyone!
My wife and I have an annual routine:
“Let’s go out for a meal on Valentine’s day!”
“I’d love to, but maybe not on the day itself because the restaurants are always so crowded and expensive.”
“Yeah, alright. How about the day after?”
“Yeah, or at the weekend.”
We then forget, laugh at ourselves as hopeless, and get a takeaway delivered a week later.
Wild lives!
Hello everyone, this seems a good a time as any to ask if anyone would agree to talk to me about limerence for an article I’m researching and hope to get published in the UK (I’m a journalist, but no guarantees). It seems crazy to me that no one seems to know about it and yet there are so many sufferers. If you’d be willing to talk to me anonymously/under a pseudonym I’d be so grateful. Perhaps anyone willing would email Dr L, who gave me permission to post this, and he can put us in touch?
This post particularly resonates with me, as I recently relapsed after eight months no contact, partly due to LO’s alleged fat fingers but partly due to the loneliness of NC as Vincent describes. Now I’m attempting ‘managed contact’, a term I made up. My fellow limerents, you can imagine how well that’s going.
Thanks, Limerspan
You’re free to use anything I’ve posted here subject to DrL’s approval to use things from his site. If you have questions, please pass them via DrL. Since this is his site, I think it’s proper to at least ask if he wants to be in the loop.
Hi Sharnhorst,
Limerspan has been in touch with me already, and I’m happy for anyone who’s interested to correspond or give permission for anything they’ve posted on the site to be used. If you do it via me there may be a delay 🙂 But I can exchange email addresses if both parties are game.
You can send him mine if he wants it.
“Managed contact” Limerspan, sure that will work just fine. I’ve been contemplating my own cure recently – “increased contact” on the premise that “it’s much more typical that familiarity causes limerence to fade over time”. Any excuse to avoid the inevitable NC that’s required, but I do see something in this. When I see my LO in the flesh I can see her obvious flaws and negative points. It’s when I’m away from her that my brain elevates her to some kind of celestial status. It’s a sneaky old brain. You can contact me if you wish. I’m currently entrenched in my LE and talking might help.
“. When I see my LO in the flesh I can see her obvious flaws and negative points. It’s when I’m away from her that my brain elevates her to some kind of celestial status.”
It’s interesting you say that. When I worked with LO I used to spend all week anticipating seeing him. Saturday morning would arrive, he would walk in and then my illusions were shattered. Then throughout the morning our conversations would build and the genuine friendship would take over again.
Repeat.
Every week. Like a rollercoaster.
Only you never get off the rollercoaster at the top…
After 6 months NC we messaged a few times and at 7 months NC I popped in and saw him and that was a massive reality check. NC certainly gives space for the fantasy version to take over. I’ve now tried to disassociate real life LO with fantasy LO. Not sure whether it’s working or not!!!
Glad it’s not just me Sophie. I’m on a similar rollercoaster to what you describe. Before I meet LO I often feel a little bit nervous, although not all the time, but when we’re together it feels very natural and the old friendship still seems to be there. How are you trying to disassociate real life LO with fantasy LO?
Whenever I find myself drifting into fantasy, as trying to block it out wasn’t working (and therapist advised against trying to block it out, more you try not to think of something, the more you think of it) I go with it, but it’s not “real LO” as I know “real LO” would be uncomfortable with it. I have no means of contacting “Fantasy LO” as they don’t really exist, so that helps me stay NC.
I am more aware of why I am resorting to fantasies and what I’m avoiding, so am also trying to tackle those things, but at same time not being too harsh on myself.
It probably sounds like utter madness, but as a lot of my previous major crushes (not LE though) have been actors, it works for me.
Yes Sophie, the white bear problem. I agree that suppressing thoughts doesn’t work. I’ve been reading the Chimp Paradox and trying to manage my ‘Chimp’ and my thoughts better but I think I still have a way to go.
A lot of limerence seems to be madness to me but it’s just something that naturally occurs in some of us. No need to be harsh on yourself at all.
I think some sort of managed contact–after sufficient NC–is a very good way to go, especially if you’re sure you are bound to run into LO eventually. I can totally relate to the experiences described here: seeing LO in person (after a good long period of NC) bringing into focus their flaws; mitigating the risk that it may be obvious to others that you have a crush (in case you get practice managing your reactions around LO). Managed contact can be a kind of exposure therapy, plus give you some sense of control if you can manage the interaction in some way. Say, for example, agree to meet for lunch, but not ride together to the restaurant. Good luck!
Of course, managed contact might be a little challenging for the spouse if you’ve disclosed. “WHY do you ‘need’ to see her AGAIN??” I can imagine being asked. They may see your attempts at managing the limerence in this way as a rationalization for getting another LO hit. I think this is where you really need to stay in contact with your SO during this time, if you have one.
Yes, I think this is a real danger. It does smell like bargaining/rationalisation. “Managed” contact sounds good, but presupposes you (as the limerent) are able to manage it effectively, and that LO will go along with your plans by behaving as you predict. A high risk strategy. Maybe better to work on the exposure therapy only when you cannot avoid their company, or in the presence of your spouse (if you have one).
It would only take one mismanaged interaction to set you back a long way.
Well for starters I’m going to trademark “managed contact” 😉
But Dr L is right, I think: it is risky. The upside is that I feel better for having LO in my life, and having gone nearly a year NC, I’m no longer distraught or irritable if I don’t hear anything for a while; in all honesty it’s a relief.
On the downside, I’m a bit powerless to resist still, and my resolve to keep texting to an absolute minimum has sometimes crumbled, leading to several late night texting episodes. But again, these aren’t producing the same crazy high as before. I’d say the highs are lower and the lows are higher.
Looking for more interviewees if anyone feels they can tell me about their LE anonymously, and 🙏 to those who have.
Speaking as a spouse, unless there is no way around having to be in the same room due to the job, this would be the end. Seeking to spend time with someone for whom the limerent was willing to tear the marriage apart would be rubbing it in my face.
If an addict can’t have another drink and has to avoid people with whom you drank, then I would hold the same line with a limerent spouse.
It would not only come across to me as backsliding, the use of justifications would mean the marriage is over. Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice and double-down by risking it for the same LO – we’re through.
I can’t control anyone else, but I can recognize when someone has rolled cat **** in confectioner’s sugar and is trying to sell it to me as Turkish Delight.
Another spouse or SO may viee it differently.
“Say, for example, agree to meet for lunch, but not ride together to the restaurant.”
That is still a date. It’s optional and unnecessary.
Glad to hear it’s not just me Sophie and I’m currently on a similar, weekly rollacoaster. I feel a little bit nervous before we meet but then as soon as we’re together it feels completely natural and the old friendship still seems to be there. How are you trying to disassociate real life LO with fantasy LO?
“began to free me from the irrational compulsion of the ‘thwarted love’ story.”
It appears that limerence, like an affair, starts to shrivel and die when exposed to others. Like most fungi.
Mr. Lee may have had to screw up his courage and deal with his embarrasment, guilt and shame but discussing Miss LO with me pretty much put an end to it. Oh, there were some kicks in its death throes, but it was effectively ended.
Of course, he also truly wanted it to come to an end. No doubt that played a part in it.
Hello fellow limerents, this is a first time post but I have been reading the articles and discussions on the site for about 6 months and I am so glad I found it.
I have been limerent for 2 and a half years and met my LO at work. Although we are not in the same team our eyes met across the office in August 2016 and since then my life has been hell and I am pretty sure that his life has not been great for most of the time. After the first shock, a real coup de foudre, ( I don’t think there is an equivalent term in English) he went on leave for 3 weeks and when he came back I was very anxious and could barely look at him. This set the pattern : him appearing and disappearing and me responding anxiously to him on his return; sometimes being able to smile, sometimes ill with anxiety. I lost weight, slept badly and wrote pages about how I felt everyday. Twice I tried, if not to disclose, then at least to make communication easier and less fraught. The first time he laughed at me, I mean really guffawed like it was the funniest thing ever and then ignored me for 2 weeks after which he approached me but I was so sunk in misery I ignored him. Six months later things seemed better so I emailed him just asking if we could have a chat but instead of emailing me back he started shouting round the office asking if anyone knew who I was…that was a grim old day. Ironically during the first 2 years he used to stare at me and whisper ( loudly) in the office about me to his female colleagues so he cetianly did know who I was. I could not confide in anyone at work. It has been like a relay race where neither person can pass or recieve the baton properly.
Reading Tennov and this blog have helped but I have found it difficult to discuss the problem. I have tried a couple of times but the fact he and I have never had even a proper conversation make it sound like pure fantasy and my friends have been dismissive. The exception was one person who told me he was ‘gaslighting’ me, deliberately making me seem unbalanced.
Fortunately his team have now moved so I rarely see him and I am sure he now has a girl friend so I am NC. I say fortunately but my feelings have not changed.
“Ironically during the first 2 years he used to stare at me and whisper ( loudly) in the office about me to his female colleagues so he cetianly did know who I was”
How extremely unkind of him. Does he punt puppies too?
I can totally relate to the “coup de foudre.” It’s happened exactly once, on August 1974. I know the date because I know how my university ran it’s fall schedule. It didn’t result in a LE but it was an experience I’ll never forget.
I didn’t know there was a term for it.
August 29, 1974
My coup de foudre happened on Wednesday 4th July 2018; I class it as the start of LE#1 and it was ironically the day I became dependent on another person (as happens in limerence).
This is on going and is my only LE so far. I also wasn’t aware that ‘coup de foudre’ was a term! Thanks.
P.S. This is day #226 of my LE now.
What a lovely phrase, coup de foudre. I had it too. It was the only time it’s ever happened to me – what a feeling! I don’t remember the exact date but it was about 12 months ago; last year at this time. Maybe that’s why I’m having a rough week.
I had to look “coup de foudre” up. Literally it means “stroke of lightning” but more like a sudden love at first sight. I never had this. For me it happened over time through conversations. In fact if my LO were walking down the street, I would not have noticed him nor be attracted to him at all, so I just don’t understand it.
P.S. Question for Dr L – have you thought about adding a forum feature to the blog so we can communicate better. For example this reply is meant to follow up on catcity13’s reply but there is no reply button.
Hi sad,
I have thought about a forum feature, but it’d take some investigation to figure out how to implement it. I’ll have a little investigate and see. It’s really gratifying to see how the conversations are taking off 🙂
Yes, it would be nice to have a forum because at the moment, we can only reply to blog posts. But say one of us wanted to raise a quick question that had nothing to do with any blog post. It would be useful to be able to talk about it on a forum.
I did have this idea before, but thought no one else had any trouble with the current capabilities. It’s a good idea!
Hi Nina,
It looks like your LO is a narcissistic one who seemed to revel in your distress. I’m sorry that you are still suffering. I wish I have further insights to give you. Since finding this blog a week ago, I feel so much better although I still have moments of desolations; it has helped me to make sense what I am going through and knowing others are going through the same and who understand and aren’t dismissive or judgmental I feel less alone and isolated. I hope it can provide some comfort to you too and help you work through it. Best wishes.
Thank you for understanding and helpful comments, I feel less alone already, thank goodness for this site. I am still laughing at the idea of him punting puppies.
A friend in Paris told me about coup de foudre and it does sum up the feeling but her only advice to me was to try and be more lucid ! Insight is helpful but it doesn’t help with the feeling that any contact would be better than no contact, even though logically NC is the only way forward , oh well, another day done.
Hi Nina,
I’ve got to agree with the consensus that your LO sounds like a git. That could well help in the deprogramming process – nice and easy to focus on the negative features of a guffawing narcissist who bellows insults around the office like an emotionally subnormal teenager.
I also love the “coup de foudre”. It sounds like an especially sudden version of the glimmer. My experience has certainly been the recognition of limerence potential early on, but not so sudden a fall into the limerence trap itself. That took longer for me, and reinforcement from LO. Can you describe the sensation any more? Was it really like a switch turning on?
My coup de foudre happened in a science lesson on Wednesday 4th July 2018 at about 15:10. My future LO called for me from across the room to ask if the coach that had just pulled up in the school yard was her coach. The instant she spoke to me, I felt a surge of passionate feelings like an electric shock volting through my entirety(the encounter was brief yet extremely potent). While she asked me, we made eye contact, which was probably the trigger. I sweat a little, and was overwhelmed due to my not having felt anything like it before.
The period after the coup was the six weeks holidays, so I hadn’t yet been able to have my mind plagued with thoughts of LO and I hadn’t started my infatuation yet. Had I been still at school, it would’ve been the perfect time to go NC, but it my not knowing about limerence, I got back to school and didn’t make any attempt of it.
The first day I was close to her, I sweat a lot and was very nervous. That night, I didn’t sleep for 4.5 hours and dreamed of her for the remainder of the night. Through the holidays, I’d increasingly thought about her more and more and, without knowing it, I’d become infatuated with her. By the time I realised it, it was too late.
The way everyone is describing the coup de foudre, they seem to imply a sudden wave of limerence. However, this didn’t happen for me. I gradually became limerent after the initial coup.
Now I’m in the crystallisation phase (I think) on day #229.
Hope this helps!
P.S. I did have a longer comment in more detail but my browser failed.
Another thing I typed in my original comment:
In a way, the coup de foudre was a ‘switch’ for me, it just took a while to become full-blown limerence.
Someone doesn’t have to be a narcissist to be a garden variety glassbowl. He’s spiteful, petty and mean. That may not make your limerence go away Nina, but I hope it helps smother the flames.
Interesting. I’ve heard the ten coup de foudre, having been a French major at university, but never thought about it in relation to my LE. However, upon reading all the replies here, I realize I did have one. It wasn’t the first time I met LO – I don’t even remember that event but it was brief – but I think the second time we had face to face contact, and an actual conversation. We were talking and at some point while I was listening to him, I felt what I would now describe as a coup de foudre and also heard a voice. It sounded like a young girl’s voice and it said to me, “Ah, this is him.” Odd, right? As I’m quite a bit over my LE (not completely but I’d say 75% – not sure I’ll manage much more when we have unavoidable, unpredictable, intermittent LC for the next six years or so!) I hadn’t thought about that in a while. It was so shocking to me at the time. That’s the moment my LE began.
Pudding hello, like you I had met my LO before our eyes met etc.etc. The coup de foudre came before a period of absence – three weeks while he was away- so when he came back I had built up anxiety and anticipation, desire etc., and an ideal image of him- in other words, crystallization( thank you Anonymous, I hope things get better for you soon). After that, it was an emotional roller-coaster every day.
I am aware that his version of events might be completely different from mine but he definitely flirted and played ( mean) games. As to disclosure, I had prepared myself that he might not really be interested but not for the kind of extreme and nasty responses that I got from him, yet I still thought for months that it might somehow be all right.
I hadn’t thought of him as a git before! Thank you Dr L.
I am sort of the same – I knew my LO two years before the coup, but not in a friendly way. Just that she was in my class, we shared nary a conversation so I didn’t ‘know her’, per se.
It was strange for me that this girl who I’d never really noticed before could spark such a powerful and spontaneous emotion inside of me.
I don’t know about either of you, but I was moderately scared because of the sudden spark of the coup de foudre: I’d love to know how other people’s experience of it was. Emotionally, I mean. And is there a certain type of person to whom the coup de foudre occurs instead of the slow intrusion of steadily-synthesising limerence? I’d love to know…
It definitely threw me for a loop. I’m not used to hearing random voices in my head! I didn’t fall into LE straight away but it was definitely the beginning. I would say that’s when a “crush” began and in a few months, I would say it was full-blown limerence but only the high highs. It took a bit longer to arrive at the point where there were the crushing lows.
Interesting Nina about your coup taking place around the time of your LOs absence. I had nine months of NC with LO at one point, a year ago, because he took a leave from work. Over that nine months I basically got over my LE and truly didn’t care if he ever returned (there were rumours he wouldn’t). He did, and of course my anxiety around that was quite high. To me delight, when he returned, it was fine. No big deal. But unfortunately, as he was teaching my son upon his return (as he had previously a couple of years prior, when I first became limerent), we had increased contact and my LE started bubbling up again. It never reached the height it had once been at, thank goodness, and as he doesn’t teach any of my kids this year, we have way less contact and I’d say I’m sitting around 25% which is decent. I find it’s decreasing this year but sloppoooowly…
Hi Pudding,
My LE was exactly like yours, except for the voices…
It did take a while for it to ‘explode’, with crushing lows and euphoric highs.
So, a question to the site:
Are all coups de foudre slow-acting or can they be immediately limerence-inducing? If so, which is more common?
Hey, I’d like to throw this out to the website as I am trying to get responses fror a survey:
Did you ever have a coup de foudre in an LE?
What personality type are you (preferably four-letter)?
If I put the two answers together, I can work out averages and trends, and see if coups happen/don’t happen to certain types of person…
Your sample size is likely to be too small to shed much light, plus the selection bias is significant.
I know what you think you mean, but I can apply stratified sampling here if it helps. To aid the size, I have also posted this question on limerence.net.
And no, the bias doesn’t matter because, even though I am only targeting limerents, the only people it concerns are limerents.
Nice try at pedantry, though. You must think you’re better than a lot of people! 🙂
Here’s a data point Anon Lim:
Last time I took a Myers-Briggs I was INFJ. I’ve not had a coup de foutre.
It may be more efficient to link directly to the limerence.net survey than collect responses in the comments. Also – as a note of advice – if you attack people who critique your methodology (even if the critique is a little blunt), you are likely to turn off bystanders from helping you…
No, but many people aren’t conversant with how to put together a questionnaire that will yield meaningful results. Plus the necessity for a control group.
As it is, you are eliminating quite a number of potential respondants by limiting yourself to people who have heard of the term “limerence” and are able to use freely use the internet to get more information. You may find yourself flooded with non-limerents using the anonymity of the internet. It gets tricky. At least Tennov was able to see her clients and was fairly certain of their genders, as an example.
Heck, you may be familiar with all the ways that pollsters put their thumbs on the results simply by how the questions are worded and what answers are sought.
Details matter if you are trying to apply results between groups or within one.
I do see what you’re saying about the people who haven’t heard of limerence, nor of a coup de foudre. However, it would be impossible for me to reach people who hadn’t heard of them because they wouldn’t be answering limerence questions. And I’m not going to approach people outside of the web, as I want my feelings to remain secret from everyone, no suspicion aroused.
Yes, I will post a poll on limerence.net soon, but there is no way of reaching unknowing limerents.
If anyone’s curious, I’m ISTJ-T, by the way.
You could try using a different term to get a broader range of responses. Infatuated, love-struck, etc. The questions you ask may sort the likely limerents from the others. It may come down to a matter of degree, for some of them.
Plus whether or not the person answering the question feels that they have lost control or feel distress longer, or more keenly, than average.
It’s tricky.
The more you can ensure that no one has to reveal anything that might make them readily identifiable in order to answer the question, the more people you may have responding. Privacy is a big concern and if someone has to submit their email to you (versus logging into a site that they trust and then be limited to replying once per email address [not perfect, obviously]) it may cause them to shy away.
I had a coup de foudre but it never developed into an LE. She was the first and only flat out case of infatuation I’ve ever had. I posted about it elsewhere.
I’m an ENTJ. I used to be attracted to XSFJs. My wife is an INFJ. The women I’m most attracted to recently tend to be XXTJ.
Lee,
I am sorry for attacking you earlier; I just thought you were attacking me and my methodology.
I have posted a poll on limerence.net, and the only two questions are the two I posted above; nobody needs to give a name nor email address to respond.
As a side note, I don’t need to use different terms, I don’t think, because whatever I do post, people can look up. Also, ‘infatuation’ might lead to some non-limerents to answer under false pretenses.
Thanks for your help, though.
Scharnhorst,
That’s interesting. As a limerent, surely it should have developed into limerence? Also, how come all your other episodes haven’t begun with coups de foudre? Do you have any idea why you didn’t feel limerent for this coup de foudre woman?
“Also, how come all your other episodes haven’t begun with coups de foudre? Do you have any idea why you didn’t feel limerent for this coup de foudre woman?”
As opposed to my LOs, I refer to that woman as “The Crush.” I posted about it in depth somewhere but I couldn’t find it. The short answer was the attraction was purely physical the first time I laid eyes on her. I never got know her well enough to see the glimmer from her so she didn’t come across as a PLO. I was one love struck puppy but I never was limerent for her.
Every LO was a woman I attached to or wanted to attach to. LO #3 made it clearly sufficiently early that we weren’t going anywhere so the LE never fully developed. Those attachments took weeks to months to develop although I think Oxytocin sped up two of them.
So, if you had *known* her, do you think you’d have become limerent for her? Also, do you think I should include your coup in my results? I mean, seen as though it never fully developed, do you think it actually counts? An improper finding could contaminate my research’s integrity…
@AL,
I have no idea of whether I would have become limerent for The Crush had I gotten to know her. There was a lot of uncertainty with The Crush at first and enough reciprocation to keep me in the game but I never got close enough to her to catch the glimmer or attach to her. The first woman I attached to was LO #1 and that happened 2 years after the crush.
With the exception of my wife, I’ve only attached to LOs. I’ve only attached to 4 women in my life and invested in 2 of them. Ok, 5 if you count LO #3.
One of the things I did when I worked with the EAP counselor was I made an Excel spreadsheet with all the significant women in my life, starting with my mother, on one axis and how they made me feel or characteristics I saw in them on the other. The EAP counselor said she’d never seen a client do that and asked if she could make a copy so we could use it as a springboard for the next session. To neither of our great surprise, the LOs all came out looking a lot like my mother. My wife had a unique profile. She was the only woman to get an “X” in the “Secure” column.
So, if you’re trying to establish a correlation between coup de foudre and limerence, my experience doesn’t support it.
@AL,
If you’re interested in the full story of The Crush, it’s in https://livingwithlimerence.com/2017/02/27/do-they-like-me-too/#comments
There’s also some discussion of MBTI types in it.
I meant to say that what rattled me the most about the coup de foudre wasn’t so much hearing the voice, but what it said. I still drive myself crazy sometimes, trying to figure out what it meant by “Ah, this is him.”
I have to say I’d never heard the term ‘coup de foudre’ before so had to look up what it meant.
With LO we’d worked together for a few months when he made a particular comment that made me view him slightly differently, I would say that’s when the ‘crush’ started. (See the comments on the “Emotional Affairs” thread for the details)
However, a few weeks later we were chatting at lunchtime, a really random but interesting conversation with another colleague involved too. She left the room and the topic digressed onto ‘that moment when you first become a parent’ and the whole thing became strangely intense and intimate, and when we made full eye contact (for want of a far far better description) it felt like a jolt of electricity passed between us (we were on opposite sides of the room, no touching!) It was strange and I think that’s when it started tipping from a straightforward crush into limerence. I certainly thought to myself afterwards I probably shouldn’t have shared so much!
First post here, been reading up on limerence for a few months now. Can very well relate to much of the stories.
But I’m posting here because of the Coup de Foudre. I had mine some eight months ago and boy, it was the most exhilarating experience I’ve ever had.
In a relationship, not going well, started liking a co-student (let’s call her A), but not acting on it. No camping at the halls, no texting, no nothing. Just ruminating, I guess. One day, after a period with some tough convo’s with SO, I head to the cafeteria to have lunch. A is also in the cafeteria, I spotted her but I was pretty zoned out, so wasn’t paying any particular attention to her.
So I sit myself at a table and do my thing. Next thing I know, from the side of my eye, I see her sitting next to me. I turn my head, our eyes lock and I just fell into a bottomless abyss. God knows how long it took. There was nothing but her eyes. A tank could have crashed into the cafeteria, I wouldn’t have noticed. Then, all of a sudden, we snapped out of it and started smalltalking for a couple of minutes, after which I got up and left, dazed and confused.
That day went pretty well, I was on a high. Next day though, was hell as you can imagine. “What the hell happened, is this real or am I imagining things?” At the end of the day we saw each other at the end of the hall, both stopping dead in our tracks and looking bewildered at each other.
The story goes on, but it is pretty hard for me to write it down, because I relive this quite vividly.
TLDR: she denied anything happened that day or being conscious of anything happening, after I asked her. Twice.
Now, you ask questions, you get answers. And I’ll have to live with that. But I find it very hard to believe she didn’t feel, or notice something that moment. Very hard to believe. And yes, ofcourse I understand that me feeling it this intense doesn’t mean she felt it with the same intensity, but saying (literally): “I have no idea what you are talking about”, that is a very tough one to swallow.
Anyway, this Coup de Foudre-thing is real people. And I can say, without exaggerating, life-changing.
Take care all!
https://www.chumplady.com/2019/02/dear-chump-lady-can-i-leave-for-an-emotional-affair/
There is one response that seemed to apply here pretty well.
Take it away Vicky!
“This is actually the closest I have seen to my own situation, except in my case it was written out songs that I found stuffed in a drawer 11 years after the event and then recorded onto CD, so I hear him singing them. It’s quite incredibly hurtful OP, in my case they had remained friends on FB all that time too as she had moved away and he didn’t take her off it either after confrontation, I had to – a year later. In my case he says it was a one sided crush/emotional affair, but I do know a lot of texting went on at the time. I would tell him to bugger off OP. I didn’t because it was so long after the event but I’m not sure I will ever feel quite the same and I don’t think you will either.”
This one leaps out at me. I suspect it may have something to do with why so many refuse to tell their spouses.
“… but I’m not sure I will ever feel quite the same and I don’t think you will either.”
Reflecting on how Mr. Lee pooh-poohed my concerns about his behavior before he made his big confession, I was lonely too. I KNEW something was going on but instead of acknowledging that I had any insight whatsoever, he tried to make me out to be unreasonable or slightly off my rocker.
For that reason, to this day, I don’t really believe him when he says he loves me. I know that if she had crooked her finger he would have gone running after her.
So sure. He says he loves me because it didn’t work out the way he hoped and he had to do SOMETHING to ward off consequences. If anyone had shared their observations about his behavior around her with me, his goose would have been cooked then & there. I no longer believe it was an act of courage. It was image control.
@Paul
I have been on both sides of the fence, where I felt the coup de foudre, and sadly, when someone once told me “I knew how you felt from the way we looked at each other when you got on the ferry” which I think was HIS coup de foudre. I honestly felt nothing but a platonic fondness, and it horrifies me how things can be one-sided. Most of the time however, I am the one who falls into a LE and am analyzing the meaningful looks etc, and then suffering for the next few years (usually only ending when the LO gets married). What I would love Dr. L to address is “who has felt the level of happiness they felt during a LE, after the LE is over? Is healthy happiness possible for a chronic limerent?”
Ah, the elusive happiness. I believe that happiness is a moving target, similar to wealth. Once you reach it for a spell, it becomes your new baseline, and there becomes a pursuit for more. For a time during my LE, there was a completely different level of happiness that I had never felt before. I felt such joy and peacefulness, but I also felt little concern for what toll it was taking on my family and job. For me, it was actually a euphoria that had incredible positive energy that is impossible to sustain. I do not believe I will ever find another way to achieve that level of high in a positive, productive manner; however, I did find (out of necessity, as I had emotionally fallen apart) some other pursuits that have been fulfilling.
Ignorance would have been bliss, as I would never have known what I’d been missing had I never felt that way. I think “healthy happiness” is possible, but it is very difficult to pin down what happiness actually means.
I like the distinction between pleasure and happiness. Limerence is certainly pleasurable – like, euphoric pleasure – but for me, happiness is much deeper, less showy and hormonal, and closer to long term peace and a sense of “rightness”.
And yes, I definitely think healthy happiness is possible for limerents, and a different category of experience from limerence.
ahh. Apples and Oranges. I like that….
“I knew how you felt from the way we looked at each other when you got on the ferry” Haha! Thanks for that Jaideux That one-sidedness really helped put things in perspective for me today. The idea that what you feel can be frighteningly one-sided. I remembered having to fend off a good friend many years ago – whose feelings for me I found really annoying because I felt that I could no longer confide in him. Imagining my LO feeling like that towards me gave me a bit of stark reality – really saw it from his side. It actually even snapped me out of limerence for a bit seconds! So I’m thinking let’s have some more examples of what it feels to have unwanted limerence so we can remind ourselves that it’s usually about fulfilling a need in ourselves and is not generally shared by LO. Mine is an attention-seeking narc, so he gives the impression he might reciprocate but in reality I think he’s just in love with seeing his own power reflected in me, if that makes sense. I’m so tired of feeling like this, I have my own life and SO who I love but this compulsive thinking, comparing, wondering… it’s taking my attention away from my own life. It has to die! I heard the expression Affection Deficit Disorder and it made me smile 🙂
And thanks again Dr L for really helping me through a deeply painful LE that has lasted many many years. We were such close friends. My SO are close friends with him and his wife and I’m the loneliest place trying to separate from both of them (she is also a very good friend). NC isn’t really possible but this slowly moving away stuff is going to hurt us all. I am hoping very much to be able to see the reality of the situation and be brought out of my spell, for everyone’s sake.
Happiness, fear, and guilt, are like voodoo. They only works if you believe them. People (e.g. LOs), things, and events can contribute or detract from your happiness but in the end, you own it. People can try to scare you or make you feel guilty but you ultimately decide if you’re scared or guilty.
Some people want to be happy, some people don’t. I think my ex, LO #2, had a pathological aversion to happiness. It defined her world view. The closer she got to it, the more it scared the crap out of her. I never understood that and I sometimes wonder if she ever outgrew it.
Hello Nightmoves,
The attention seeking LO’s are the worst…they have a hard time letting us go…and I suppose they don’t realize how subconsciously our adoration fills a hole in them…and makes them needy for us…which is confusing and flattering, and fuel to our limerence.
Regarding your distancing yourself…you can do it! And close friends drift apart all the time and really, it’s not that big of a deal. We think it’s going to hurt everyone involved, but actually it’s us that hurts because we crave the LO…not a normal friendship thing happening here. So don’t be afraid to purposefully (yet discreetly) distance yourself with nonchalance…it’s for the grander cause…saving your sanity, your real relationship (and you love your SO!) and in the big picture, contributing to healthy human relationships. I am learning that thought control is key….the ruminating deepens the grooves in the grey matter….and the propensity for an out of kilter unhealthy faux relationship…a habit I started in childhood. Never too late to get clean from the addiction! Makes me think of To Kill a Mockingbird…anyway….all the best to you….
Thanks Jaideaux for your kind reply and time. we quite entangled in one another’s lives and work together in a small town. it’s hard to escape. but thought control is the way forward, i am sure you’re right there. i can’t get over thinking it was love, even if it could never work. why can’t i let it go and be happy!
– Limerence and Depression –
It’s amazing how lonely limerence can be. And over the past 320 days, I’ve gotten to see that. But never did I expect to see the day where I became depressed.
After careful consideration, and 7 hours of constant sadness revolving around LO, I’ve come to the terrifying conclusion that I’ve now wound up depressed; I don’t care about anything, I’m sad no matter what happens to me, and, most hurtful of all, I’m still constantly thinking about her.
So, yeah…
Limerence is said to be an indefinite state of recession: There can be more than one peak (point at which the limerent can only think about LO). And I’ve had two already, one in September and one at the end of last year.
But now I’m at a previously unknown, dangerous summit; constant rumination and intrusive thoughts has meant I have become depressed and apathetic beyond belief.
I don’t really understand how this works – the first few peaks were annoying yet euphoric, and now this one is just melancholic.
Has this ‘total reciprocal’ thing happened to anyone else, in one LE? Is there an explanation? My logical brain would really like one right now…
Good (?) News:
Today I found out I’m not depressed constantly, it’s only after I am near, or make any eye contact or contact with, LO. Of course, this does mean that I’ll still be depressed most of the time – it’s just that I still have the capacity to enjoy some of life.
Today, I only got depressed in the afternoon, but it’s an improvement…
AL,
I too reached the point that I was truly depressed and began to wonder if I have always been… I couldn’t remember ever feeling happy. Then… thanks to NC and some revelations that LO was really only using me for selfish purposes and didn’t actually care about my feelings I am finding things are slightly calming down and rays of hopeful light are breaking through the gloom. I now believe it’s possible to recover and be happy (yet ever limerence prevention vigilant) again. I believe the same for you!
Thanks. I just hope the depression doesn’t affect me too much during important times, like my Y9 exam tomorrow!
What an interesting website. I’m pretty well read but I only learnt the word ‘limerence’ this morning and of course I exhibit all the classic symptoms. It’s happened to me once before. I’m a relatively happily married 50-something man and my ‘LO’ (I love the idea of this depersonalising acronym) is a beautiful and highly intelligent though also complex and somewhat troubled 26-yo woman.
We’re at uni together, I’m studying for fun whilst also working. She’s quite introverted whilst there – I’m her main or only friend – whilst I am gregarious and have many friends there. She likes that about me and joins in with the groups I pull together. Compared to the other students she’s got an amazing engagement with the subject, which I find very attractive. We’re both in line to get firsts. She’s also got I think a rich social life outside uni as well as (to my jealous irritation) a boyfriend, who is the same age as me.
We have a great rapport. We enjoy each other’s company, time flies when we’re alone together and when in groups we always end up with one another. We do I think have a genuine intellectual connection across a range of interests and issues. I believe that’s an honest assessment and not just wishful thinking. We have started doing many things together which could be considered dates, but that’s as far as it goes and it’s plain from her body language and words that she isn’t considering a sexual relationship. We are however becoming close friends, though it’s clearly asymmetrical. She’s probably slightly narcissistic and a little unreliable, but not excessively so, things that wouldn’t be an issue – would even be quite endearing – in a normal friendship. (She once confided that she finds it difficult to show empathy for others but she’s not cruel or manipulative and would be horrified at the thought.)
But for me it’s not a normal friendship, and I’ve become obsessed.
Other than plaguing my mind (which it does terribly) no other damage has yet been done. She stood me up last night and I’ve decided on ‘NC’ (deleted all contact details from my phone) and I need to decide on a strategy for the summer holidays and beyond. She’ll probably be in touch soon to do stuff, what then? And will I feel better after three months of NC when we’re thrust back together again at uni?
As well as the obvious downsides there are also upsides. She has brought joy, energy and stimulation into my life (and I think the other way round though not to the same extent). I feel sharply alive. She is unwittingly egging me on in my studies. (Probably that’s also vice-versa.)
I’ve been, at least in my rational mind, from the start, reconciled to the relationship never being sexual though I find her deeply attractive, whereas my previous episode of limerence only began after a sexual affair started. However I suffer from pangs of deep jealousy when I think of her with others. I’m not a naturally jealous person.
So what do I do? If only I could contain this to ‘normal’, close or even deep friendship! Ideas very welcome and thanks for the interesting and thoughtful material here.
Hello Delusional,
Thank you for sharing your story. I’m in my mid-50s too, also relatively happily married, and my LO is in his late 50s. The 50s, I had no idea how much they would be like my teens and twenties emotionally.
I strongly recommend the deprogramming course that Dr L created, more info is in his May 12, 2019 blog post on this site. My guess is it’ll help you a lot.
So, I’m pretty sure this is a common thing, but recently when I’ve gone outside I’ve been kind of afraid because I keep thinking everyone who looks like LO could be her, and I am terrified of running into her again. I’m sure this is spurred on by my recent encounter in the shop with her two weeks ago, but I guess most people experience this anyway.
I can’t go anywhere nor do anything without anxiety or fear, looking all around me with extreme caution. It ruins what is supposed to be temporary freedom from her and is putting me in a constant bad mood.
Does anyone know how to fix this paranoia? I’m scared for my own sanity as I feel like my house is the ONLY safe place for me from her. I mean, this site encourages No Contact, but that doesn’t stop paranoia and delusions, and thinking that LO might be everywhere you go.
It was bad enough when thoughts of LO were ruining my life – it’s arguably worse now that fear of LO is ruining my life. Can anyone help?
You won’t like this very much, but the answer is to get out more frequently and to more places.
Right now you are stuck on “she was HERE!” and the more often you get out and about and see that she is not “here”, the less fraught with freight everywhere becomes.
It will take time and effort, plus a little luck. Can you go out with some of your friends while you are on break? It’s a little harder to ruminate when you have to pay at least a little attention to other people when they are talking to you or around you.
So even if you go out and do bump into LO, what is the absolute worst that can happen?
Hey Anon Lim.
The thing about fears is that they very rarely get better when we avoid them, or justify that we need to make ourselves safe. It’s a rough lesson, but the best way to overcome fears is through slowly exposing ourselves to them and training our subconscious that we are wrong to fear them. This is basically what Lee is suggesting – go out, survive, come back a little less fearful.
There’s a book (which I confess I haven’t read, but have heard rave reviews about) called “antifragile”. The concept is that some things are fragile – they break under stress, some things are resilient – they are very hard to break, but some things get stronger if they are stressed (obviously, to less than breaking point).
Humans are antifragile.
Yeah, that would be good advice (from everyone)… if I hadn’t SEEN HER AGAIN TODAY! Completely worsened my fear, but the first time sort of made me expect the second, so I wasn’t so shocked this time around. Still, that’s not much comfort.
AL-
You stated that you didn’t want to go to a school therapist because you didn’t want people to know about your LE.
Can you reach out to a therapist for the anxiety, at least? If you find a therapist you can approach for that, you can possibly suss out whether you feel confident of moving to the more sensitive topic of your LE.
No, it would mean telling someone. The constant questioning of ‘why the anxiety’ would raise suspicions incredibly. Plus I don’t like telling people about me, let alone my problems.
So you tell us about your problems, though. Is it the discomfort of stating it verbally to another person face-to-face?
Obviously, you’re smart and logical. So we can be your on-line ‘therapist’ to a certain degree, but I think live, real-time counseling is going to be your best bet. Because if your LE is causing you such all-consuming anxiety & paranoia, it seems to a non-professional like myself that you’re having more issues than just the LE. It would be wrong to focus relentlessly on that one problem when there are potentially several layers of things at work.
For instance, your family isn’t supportive. And you get teased at school. Plus, you’re not asserting yourself in disclosing to your LO. Those are separate issues that entwine to cause your LE to be worse.
Actually, I was thinking of recommending an online course on assertiveness. As a guy in my fifties who is ex-military and runs a company, I was thinking of taking it myself–I still struggle when I have to execute disciplinary actions against misbehavior from employees. So there’s no shame. And that might help you make progress on the other two fronts I mentioned, as well.
It also fits in with ‘living purposefully’ theme per the august DrL. Also, I have found that getting intensely interested/occupied gives a respite however brief from the ravages of LE.
Thanks for the advice; I have considered underlying problems already and know that they are most likely the cause of my LE, but I won’t detail them here.
I am probably never going to think of therapy as a good idea, but I do see how it can help. I, however, prefer the kindest of ignoring my problems and hoping they go away – if this doesn’t work, at least I’m not thinking about them.
Regarding your last remark, I have already found preoccupation as a viable coping strategy; I’ve i needed myself in a fighting video game that relieves a slight bit of stress through the fun of it while also creating its own stress in the moment, stealing the focus from the anxiety of my LE. Oh, and it forces me to concentrate on moving my fingers correctly and quickly, as well as what’s going on onscreen, meaning I don’t think about LO during battles.
Most of my family just think I’m addicted to gaming, though, so… Maybe it has some downsides.
I am new to this, never knew of the word limerance, but stumbled across this site…it is so comforting to know that it is a thing.I am in early 60s and for about 3 months have started thinking and fantasizing,about a man from nearly 40 years ago, whom i had a fling with.I literally had not thought of nor seen this man in all this time, until by sheer co incidence my SO mentioned his name in a phone call to a mate of his.Then it was like, do you know xxxx…and turns out they had known each other even more than 40 years.My fling with LO was wrong…he was single,I was in a live in relationship,and we were sneaking around cheating on my then partner.It lasted about 10 weeks…started just as friends…turned to sexual relationship…lust not love. I got the guilts and stopped contact, and I think he felt the same, as he did not try to make contact.I honestly cant remember what was said. I dont remember an arguement or a conscious parting.I married and 5 yrs later divorced the partner at that time.Still never even thought of LO.I did not consider him LO at that time, just a friendship that had to end.I was not interested in leavinb my partner at the time, and had realised that thr LOwould have had little trust and respect for me, as I really was a cheater.I remarried a new partner 5 years after my divorce, and have now been married to him for 30 yrs.J have never cheated on him, never even come close to being interested in another man. My husb is a very good kind and loving man,and has seen to it i have everything in my life i need. Except sex. That dropped off about 5 years ago…no sex at all.So back to where i found out my husb knew my friend from nearly 40 yrs ago.When i heard his name mentioned, and found out my husb sees him on an occasional basis,through work related issues, i said to tell him who you are married to and say hi to him from me.All harmless so far.About 3 times ovet a course of a year, thats all it was..hubby saw xxx made the connection, came home and said hed seen xxx and he said to say hi to me.Then my hubby did something that i found out about.,not relating to infidelity,but i just cant say what it was.I kind of lost a lot of my love for him, but leaving and starting again was not an option, both financially nor healthwise.My attitude turned to making the most of things, and nights when I could not sleep, my mind went to xxx,and the fantasies started.Wondering if he was married, family, happy etc. Next i found him on fb and learned a few things i had been wanting to know, saw a couple of pics of him, and boy had he aged,but that did not put me off at all.Before i knew it my fantasies had gone right off the scale, the what ifs, the maybe in the futures…lots of scenarios.The next time my hubby mentioned him, i asked a few more q, and casually said, next time a chace came by we would have to go together n call in and see him. Hubby agreed, as he openly has friens of opp sex from his past, so no big deal.By now I know xxx is LO.I have now spoken to him once on ph in hubbys presence.very casual, just hi, long time no see etc, he sounded very friendly, andnot at all displeased to have a few words, but it was very brief.His voice was absolutely the same as all those years ago and i was shaking inwardly.No I think i am fully in limerance. We are both married…and there is no chance that this can change.We live 500 klm apart.i need some advice please…PS.I want to have that chance with my SO to go and see LO once more.I am driven by this.
Stop kicking the hornets’ nest. Nothing good is going to come out of seeing him, having conversations, etc.
If your husband has a PCP, drop a line re: lack of sex. The physician can’t respond to you but it may lead to more discussions and possibly some assistance in that area at the next appointment. Intimacy and touch are important, even if the mechanics have changed.
Hi, yes it is really a thing, that is for sure.I made the mistake of contacting a guy from my past, …40 years past in fact.Without going into the entire details, I made phone contact and he seemed more than pleased to say hi, and we had a few words…which gave me a real high…but then, i foolishly began overthinking something he said…was not sure if it was a genuine comment ..(he said I had never changed, and he bet i was still tormenting everyone , ).but i could hear a friendliness in his voice .This short conversation was in the presence of my SO,as they know each other, a fact I have only recently discovered.What my SO does not know is that old friend and I had a 2 month fling all those years ago while i was in a live in relationship with someone else…not my current SO.Anyway 2 days later I started overthinking what he had said, and i got it into my silly head that he meant by saying that i had never changed, that i was still cheating , by saying hi when im married and knowing he is married, and that saying he bets im still tormenting people, a polite way of saying he bets im still flirting with people…but saying it nicely because my SO and I were on speaker phone…It bugged me to the point i just decided to ring him and clear it up, say that it was just a hullo, and i was happily married, and that i had never cheated on my SO..or even in fact previous SO…he was the only fling i have ever had.Anyway i rang, and when he realisec it was me on the phone, he said “Hi sweetie, whats up”.I just totally went into a shyness i have never felt before….said all the wrong things, said i was worried he was annoyed i had initiated contact..he said .”no, why would he be annoyed with me”…i forgot to bring up about that i had never cheated ever again…just totally lost the plot of what i had wanted to say…we both had a mixed up chat about the past…and he said some things that indicated he was pleased to hear from me as a friend, including that we would talk again..I asked him if he wanted my ph no, and he said yes and took it.I did that because i did not want to be the one to contact him all the time.Anyway its over 2 weeks now and i havent heard from him.still overthinking things, and dont know if i will ever hear from him again…cant stop thinking of him.I dont even know what i want from this mess..Just to talk to him, i think..I have no wish or intention to break up his marriage or my own.His voice is exactly the same as 40 yrs ago.,and i loved it then and now.Our time together all those years ago…cant explain it…wasnt love, he probably didnt respect me as i was cheating on a SO..but he knew that, and was happy to be part of it too. I guess we were selfish and just took what we wanted from each other and when the time came we just both walked away from it,..In 40 years i never even thought of him..until by sheer co incidence i found out my current SO also knew /knows him, and sees him in a business capacity occasionally. Then there were a few “say hi” back and forward via my SO..who doesnt care..we both have friends of opp sex from our pasts…but i cant stop obsessing about him now…I just wish this had never started.
My current LE came on quite unexpectedly. A group of friends, my SO, and I had gone to see an old friend sing (I had a crush on him 35 years ago), and that same weekend we went to a funeral and saw many dear old friends I hadn’t seen in a while. Then I went to church, and a guy in my band told me he loved me. (We are both married, and he told me in front of others, just out of the blue. We weren’t even facing each other or in a conversation. Maybe I’m his LO?)
Anyway, there were a lot of emotions in this weekend soup, and I noticed an LE beginning, BUT WITH NO CLEAR “LO”! (Has this ever happened to anyone else?) I’m assuming that the LO is the singer I had a crush on years ago, but day after day a picture of another man kept coming to mind. Just a small picture. That’s all. He eventually became my LO. When it started happening, I tried transferring the emotions over to my SO, and it worked ever so slightly, but it didn’t prevent the LE from choosing this other very nice man.
Fast forward four months, and my LO doesn’t seem to mind. I think he knows. He even played me a Brika song, Mumbai, which uses the word limerence. That’s how I eventually discovered this website. Anyway, this LE is the worst one I have ever experienced!!! I think my LO is moving away next year, so my highs are now mixed with these nasty lows. I’m ready for it to be over, except that I’m not.
Hello all I just found out my lo who I’ve believed I have been in love with for the past two years is moving away. The pain is soul crushing. I cannot talk to anyone in my life no one will understand I feel only someone on this forum will. Only someone who has been through it and that’s nobody in my life unfortunately. I just wish I could vent and analyze my feelings. I know it’s the best thing that can ever happen to me the universe answered my prayers. Has anyone had any experience with an lo moving away and how you felt after? How did you cope? Were you devastated? Did it get better? Did you get a better understanding of the entire thing as time went by? It feels like I’m in the throes of a drug addiction nothing makes sense and I am acting on instinct!!! I feel I am spiraling downward. Please help!!!!
This made me cry, especially 3, 4 and 5.
“When relief from the pain of limerence comes from thoughts that reinforce limerence, you’re in for a nasty downward spiral towards emotional hell.”
Emotional hell is right.
I re-read several posts here that returned from this blog search for depression. I have a lifelong struggle with anxiety and depression and knew before this LE escalated and NC came abruptly that I was risking enormous progress and stability with my mental health. But as with addiction, which makes so much sense to me, I was willing to throw it all away for the high.
I believe that since I have found LwL and this forum I have sensed the urgency with which I need to use the tools I had before this LE to maintain stability (for me, medication, educating myself and reprogramming). I am in a transition in my career and education and absolutely cannot afford to risk the mental & emotional energy loss that comes from a LE.
Yet I wake up every morning with hope that this LE will end but go through the motions of my day with a deep sense of loss and despair. Bearing this on my own without telling a soul makes each day a fight for survival not to mention a fight for success at home and work.
When LO went abruptly from hot to cold he said very little in the way of closure beyond expressing guilt for an inappropriate EA and brief, one-time SC. A day or two into his initiation of NC I broke NC by asking if he was doing alright, and he said he was struggling and that it was hard for him to admit. I keep hanging on to that statement and feeding my limerence by interpreting that his struggle meant he missed me.
This has been agony and an absolutely tragic experience for me emotionally. Thank God my family is safe and what is happening seems to be in my own head. I’m working hard on the LwL course to be purposeful in recovery, and today I deleted his number from my contacts and removed the social media apps that trigger hits. I feel I will never recover if I don’t reveal this burden but I hope it diminishes enough to keep it in the past.
If you are reading this, and you have learned what your triggers are for vulnerability and “the glimmer”, and you have encountered a new LO—please run!! Yes, it feels amazing for a moment, but it’s not worth the lifetime of pain.
Thank you Dr. L for your enormous effort in your body of work without which I would truly question my sanity.
I think this is so true. When you’re in the middle of a LE, you feel very isolated. With the exception of one friend who was willing to at least listen, any other friend or family member I’ve told has looked at me like I was crazy. One of the friends, who’s married, said she had experienced strong attractions, enjoyed them and moved on. Like she was changing her socks. The attractions hardly phased her. She had no idea what I was talking about and dismissed it. I never brought the topic up again.
Im four months in and its been hell on earth. Run run as fast as you can is all i can say. It has consumed me, made me feel every emotion possible. It was like a bolt of lightning it just hit me. Im married, great husband very solid and adores me.
Had a rather embarrasing experience while drunk and confessed all and quite alot of texts were then exhanged and have been left feeling like the bad guy but tbh he isnt innocent in all this. I have composed a closure letter to him because I am truly glad he came into my life but also glad he is moving away and it has been the first blip in 30 years so trying to be very kind to myself. Has anyone else tried to have closure for their own sanity because mine has gone.
If this was your first LE, you’re probably going to have to get through the “WTF just happened?!” phase first before you reconcile yourself with it.
For me the process ran something like this:
– Trying to figure our your LO. What was the “glimmer?”
– Trying to figure out yourself. Why are you attracted/vulnerable to the glimmer?”
– Trying to understand the environment that supported the LE. What distracted you from your primary relationship?
– Trying to figure out what you want from your LO? Is there a “fairy-tale-ending” to this?
– What are you willing to sacrifice to achieve what you want? Limerence contributed to at least one divorce of a poster on this site and it’s on the table for one or two more posters.
– How do I get out of the mess I got myself into? Do you disclose to your LO? Do you disclose to your SO?
– How do I ensure I don’t do it again? You might not get lucky the next time.
All those questions and more are covered in different blogs.
Everybody’s path is going to be different. Some of the issues can be superficial and some can be very deeply rooted and costly.
If you keep reading the blogs, you’ll see limerence can be complex. You start to understand one thing and a whole new set of questions can pop up.
Hey I read your post and it really concerned me that it’s your boss and the agony you must have felt (or still feel)I know it’s been quite a while ago but just want to know how you’re doing now. I hope and pray you’re better. 🙏🏾
Living with a limerant experience for almost 10 years now. And I’m not even 30 yet. Despair is getting worse by the day.
Can’t imagine how I’m gonna live the rest of my life.
Hi everyone!
I was just watching some random videos on Youtube and suddenly came across a celebrity that immediately caught my attention. I became instantly worried as though I can develop celebrity crushes, the feelings for them are more pleasant (like he’s cute and stuff) instead of overwhelmingly intense. Then I noticed that after watching some of his videos I still found myself thinking about him in a way that was not typical for me; it was kind of a longing for the person. I honestly freaked out. I rationally understand that this is not a healthy type of affection as I completely do not know this person and have never interacted him but right now it feels like I am awfully heartbroken (because it’s like knowing that you love the person but will never get to know him). Now I realize that it is probably limerence; the thing is that I do not fantasize about the person and do not usually imagine different scenarios of meeting or interacting with him and I am totally okay with not watching his interviews, or videos, or photos, but I feel this feeling of a broken heart (and you know how terrible it feels); I am generally a very sensitive person and have an anxious attachment style and this probably only adds to the problem. It feels like I am going crazy and my heart aches and I have this burning pain inside me (that is accompanied with anxiety and depression I think). I also have OCD (I am not sure if it is related as to why I developed limerence in the first place). I also feel so stupid for falling for someone I do not even know (a celebrity). It is really difficult for me right now to enjoy things the way I did before or just to function normally due to the feeling of a burning pain inside (the one you feel when you are heart broken). I am also concerned whether my body will be able to get through this. Would really appreciate your advice. Thank you very much.
Hey Alice,
This is so far removed from my type of LE,
but have you seen this?
https://livingwithlimerence.com/limerence-for-celebrities/
Tom
I fell exactly like you for a musician almost a year ago. As it was the first time I was interested in a celebrity, I didn’t realized what is happening – I thought that I just like very much her music. When I realized that I feel like I’m in love with her it was too late. Your are smarter than I was, but apparently you are already hooked.
At that point I tried to cut myself from her by stopping listening to her music or watching her videos/interviews. The problem was I resisted only a few days and felt like a damned those days, and then I came fully back to her .
I believe you are now at that point – and it is not much you can do – the limerence is too strong, you have to endure / enjoy whatever brings to you. Or maybe you are lucky and your celeb does something you detest (low chance though as their images are normally curated).
It took me 9 months of agony and ecstasy (and I didn’t even fantasize a lot – but she was in my mind every minute) till I was able to enter NC (cut everything related to her) and keep it. I had small relapsed of course but I just keep NC going.
Now after 2 months of NC the pain is a lot lower and, although I still think about her a lot, it’s not in my mind every f’ing minute like before. Also it helps if you find somebody to talk about it, although is embarrassing and hard to accept to someone this insanity.
Sorry for the bad news – this is my experience with this kind of insanity I’m still in.
Hi Alice,
I replied to the wrong post first time, so here I am again.
How are you now? Still in pain?
I fell exactly like you for a musician almost a year ago. As it was the first time I was interested in a celebrity, I didn’t realized what is happening – I thought that I just like very much her music. When I realized that I feel like I’m in love with her it was too late. Your are smarter than I was, but apparently you are already hooked.
At that point I tried to cut myself from her by stopping listening to her music or watching her videos/interviews. The problem was I resisted only a few days and felt like a damned those days, and then I came fully back to her listening for hours each day to her music and so on.
I believe you are now at that point – and, in my experience, it is not much you can do – the limerence is too strong, you have to endure / enjoy whatever brings to you. Or maybe you are lucky and your celeb does something you detest (low chance though as their images are normally curated).
It took me 9 months of agony and ecstasy (and I didn’t even fantasize a lot – but she was in my mind every minute) till I was able to enter NC (cut everything related to her) and keep it. I had small relapses of course but I’ve just kept NC going.
Now after 2 months of NC the pain is a lot lower and, although I still think about her a lot, it’s not in my mind every f’ing minute like before. Also it helps if you find somebody to talk about it, although is embarrassing and hard to accept to someone this insanity.
Sorry for the bad news – this is my experience with this kind of insanity I’m still in.
I’ve been looking through this blog for a while now and honestly didn’t think I was ever going to post anything but here it goes: I’ve been with my husband for almost 15 years now. Never limerent until 9 months ago. I moved to the US from another country to be with my now husband. We’ve had our problems but nothing we haven’t been able to work through. Part of the reason we never divorced (and we’ve talked about it), even after he cheated on me was because I have been a stay at home mom and I would never go back to my home country since we have two children together. Then last year I experienced “love at first sight” with someone my husband works with and my life has been hell ever since. I have never experienced anything as screwed up as what I am going through now. I have always been emotionally and mentally strong but this is absolutely pushing me over the edge. I am starting to question life, my decisions, my purpose, my spirituality. Basically everything I thought I was and believed in. Even though I believe the limerence is mutual there is no way we could ever be together. My LO is an absolute f.ing train wreck of a guy and yet he is the most fascinating man I have ever met. He is and has never been married. The chemistry is so intense between us that other people started to notice and I am now NC with him while trying to work on my marriage. I also disclosed to my husband who has been understanding and supportive but I am worried that this can’t be fixed. I honestly feel like my LO is the love of my life, I am 37 and have never felt this way. How can I end up limerent for someone (he is very successful professionally) who I know and even knew before I met him, was bad news? He drinks, he’s had DUI’s, he sleeps around a lot, has anger issues, and the f.ing list goes on. It absolutely blows me away that a woman like me, who knew these things before I met him could still fall in love. I am on an emotional rollercoaster ever since and don’t know if I can get off. I have tried telling myself how much of a loser he is and that it’s absolutely pointless but I still feel this magnetic pull towards him that I have never experienced. Any advice would be appreciated. This blog has been an absolute lifesaver for me, btw. I wish all of you the best and lots of love (the healthy kind)! ❤️
Hello LS.
Like you, I’d never experienced limerence before a couple of years ago. It is devastating and the rush when you’re in contact with LO is unbelievable, isn’t it?
As Dr.L has explained…it’s a lie and a mind trick. The man you’re describing sounds intuitive, dangerous. He knows you’re in an uncertain situation emotionally and he’d be happy to use it. And you.
Are you in counseling? Have you truly forgiven your husband for cheating?
Your LO has shown what kind of man he is. Doesn’t sound like a good partner for you or perhaps anyone.
NC is the way to go. Kudos to you for your honesty with your husband.
My best wishes.
With LO1 I told nobody as I was embarrassed. I was generally more mentally stable then, so could deal with it myself, though it was tough. However with LO2 I have told 3 people – including him! (Via online messaging because I’m doing NC. Well not seeing him anyway! No reply from him, which is a good thing. He’s happily married. I wasn’t trying to start anything, just wanted him to know!) My sister thinks it’s a waste of time obsessing over someone unavailable and that no man is worth it. Like I don’t know that! I sent her a link to this website so she can now see it’s a real thing at least. My friend was more sympathetic, but I’m too embarrassed to mention it again. I assume she thinks I’ve got over it or at least got over the worst by now. I first met him in February, went NC after 3rd meeting in early April. Apart from messaging him 2 weeks ago! I only seem to fall for married men. Even my previous crush was. Luckily that wasn’t a limerency. He was a kind guy with a nice smile, but no glimmer! Needless to say I have no interest in him since LO2 appeared!
I recently found this website thanks to some (you could say) obsessive googling over what I found myself feeling for someone I met. To find this term (limerence) is both a shock and relief. I believe it mostly fits my profile. I’ve read a few of the LWL articles and I bounce back and forth between questions of – am I the limerent one or the LO in my situation? Are we both limerent? It may sound odd but I can’t work it out… point #3 in this article resonated well. It feels like the limerence is mutual but it is hard to tell – it could be my brain tricking me into thinking that it is in fact reciprocated. In a nutshell, here’s the scenario: I met someone at work (ick), we hit it off, exchanged numbers, they messaged me late one night, it got flirty. Eventually we agreed to meet up for a drink a few days later, my intention here being to let this person know that I’m in a long-term relationship because I could see the situation becoming dangerous if I didn’t disclose this. Something had been planted since we’d met. I wanted to do it in person and I did, not long after meeting up. Gosh did THAT change the atmosphere. The electricity between us didn’t diminish, however. It very nearly got physical (their move) however with the knowledge of my situation in mind it did not. After that, I was hopeful that we could meet up again since we got along so well and I wanted to get to know this person more. When I asked my LO, they declined saying that they felt uncomfortable doing so. I apologized because I felt like I had led this person on, which was not my intention but is most likely what I had done. Since then, their tone towards me has changed (understandably) however we are still occasionally messaging. Once a week or so, nothing romantic or suggestive. Polite. I eventually asked if we could reset and talk in person to which they responded that they wouldn’t feel comfortable hanging out in person ‘while I’m in a relationship’. Boy, did that burn. So, of course, we haven’t. My LO is very introverted and not a good communicator (by text anyway), which doesn’t make for a great foundation for continuing contact. For whatever reason, I would like this person to be in my life in some capacity. And for some reason, they don’t want to be due to my relationship status. I just can’t get past this point of rejection. The chemistry between us was unlike anything I’ve felt in years. Thank you for this wonderful resource <3 it is helping me on my life's learning path and I hope to make peace with this part of myself through it so I can be more present for the people in my life.
Is LO in a relationship themselves, long term or otherwise?
Because what it sounds like to me is you showed interest in them and they gladly reciprocated. Even being forward enough to try and cross the bridge from emotional to physical.
Then you told them you were in a relationship with someone else and they went cold. They are not interested in an EA or PA affair it seems. But they are still tempted by you but don’t want to end in the middle of the relationship you are already in as the “other person.” Which I can totally understand. So they aren’t even wanting to pursue friendship either.
My LO was single when I met her, and recently divorced. I was always careful in how I interacted with her because I enjoyed her company and didn’t want her to think, I a married man, was pursuing an extramarital affair. Because I did just want a friendship with her. So working with her we both kept it professional.
After some months she ended up dating someone. I noticed as her relationship with this man became more and more serious she became much more lacked around me. A lot more friendly and inviting. She changed how she interacted with me almost 100% because she was now in the safety of a romantic relationship and now could be sure that how I treated her had no ulterior motive.
If you would like to have this person in your life I would leave that up to them as to how that goes. Like for me LO left this job last year. I wanted to be in her life more but I let her make that choice. As hard as it is to go NC with her it is the best for her and her new direction. It sucks, believe I know. It’s been 9 months and she only ever called me once. I hope that someone day she will when she gets settled in. But it would be incredible selfish of me to interfere in her life when she has a new family she is building.
If you want to be in LO’s life I would totally leave that up to them. Leaving after hours interactions alone in my opinion would be the best start. But continue to be friendly and do what you have to do to both do your jobs. No need to be cold.
That’s my two cents anyway.
Adam, thank you for your insightful response. And honesty! My LO is single, lives alone. Dating? I’m not sure. I admit I was a little too forward (friendly?) however did not expect such an enthusiastic response from them as generally they can be reserved in social situations. I love connecting with folks and perhaps sometimes this comes across too strong. As for being flirty, I admit I am.
Anyway, LO seems happy to be alone so I know I need to take a step back and let this run its course. It sounds like this is what you are also doing and that takes guts and compassion. Good on ya. I’m only 3 months in! How have you cultivated this way of living?
Limerence has introduced me to ikigai – something I’m finding very useful to be learning about. For it to have brought me to that concept is enough for this experience to be worth it, painful as it is for myself and quite possibly LO.
As Joni sings, ‘I’m so hard to handle, I’m selfish and I’m sad’.
Hi L_a, welcome to the group! I hope you’ll find this a helpful place to work things out.
From what you wrote, the situation sounds pretty clear-cut from LO’s point of view. They felt a connection with you, did some flirting, and went out with you on what they probably thought was a date with an available person. Once they learned you were in a relationship, they decided that they have no interest in dating a already-committed person. And it sounds like they saw you as relationship material, not platonic friend material, and they’re not interested in pretending to be friends and ignoring the spark/chemistry/lust/etc. Good for them!
It’s not as clear from your posts what you’re looking for. Are you happy in your relationship with your SO? Are you looking to get out of it? Are you looking to stay with SO but have an EA or PA on the side? Are you looking to “just be friends” with LO and telling yourself you can handle that? I think those are really important questions for you to be completely clear about for yourself.
If you’ve read any of my posts on here, you’ll know that my experience is that the closer my relationship has gotten with my LO, the more distressing, anxiety provoking and heartbreaking the experience has gotten. I badly wish that either me or my LO had set up the kind of boundaries from the start that your LO seems to be setting and sticking to now. I think they’re actually doing you a huge favor.
L_A,
You have to play the same game everyone else does.
What’s the Fairy-Tale-Ending for you? If you can script this any way you want with any outcome you want, what is it?
What precisely are you offering your LO? I’ve been in his position. https://livingwithlimerence.com/infidelity-and-limerence/
Are you putting your LO in the friendzone? https://livingwithlimerence.com/limerence-and-the-friendzone/
Maybe that’s how he sees it. I’ve been there, too. Maybe he’s looking a woman who’ll be more than a friend and he doesn’t see that in you, chemistry notwithstanding.
He can also be using your LTR as cover. He might be an Avoidant and your LTR offers him the perfect excuse to keep his distance.
Let’s move on to your LTR.
[“Man On Your Mind” – Little River Band (1981) https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zeDCU-iYI0I%5D
LOs can make wonderful catalysts for deciding to make changes in a relationship. If you thought your LO would respond, would you sacrifice your existing LTR for it? If the answer is yes, your relationship is already in trouble.
If not, and your LO changes his mind, are you willing to go the EA/PA route?
Does your SO know that there’s another man inside your head? If not and you choose to proceed, you have your work cut out for you. https://livingwithlimerence.com/should-you-disclose-to-your-significant-other/
Step 1: Figure out what you want.
“I’m only 3 months in! How have you cultivated this way of living?”
Unfortunately the unhealthy coping mechanism of alcohol and knowing this is the best thing for LO. You know the saying; when the mind and the heart disagree the liver suffers. But it is getting a bit easier. I don’t know how to finally and completely let go yet, if ever.
I don’t how someone can touch you so deep inside and not even have a clue what they are doing. Be completely oblivious to how they have affected your life and then just walk out of it without a second thought. The pain of her decision to move on …. I can’t help to feel this way and it seems there’s going to be no end to it.
Sorry to sound so desperate. It’s been not a good start to the day. Woke up at 4am with intrusive thoughts that kept me from sleeping. So I came to work early since everyone in the house was sleeping. It will hopefully be a better day than I expect.
“I don’t know just how or why
But no one else has touched me
so deep, so deep, so deep inside”
Adam,
Going OT here, what are you doing about the drinking? How does your family see your drinking?
My parents were both alcoholics and my wife has been dry for almost 10 years. I know what the effects of alcoholism are. “Alcohol” is on my mother’s death certificate.
IMO, for you, limerence is a sideshow. It’s not your biggest problem.
Nothing really. Most people in my family and my wife’s family pretend its not an issue because for the most part other than my own health I’m not much different drunk than sober.
As far as what I am doing? I mostly be responsible and drink at home. I maintain a level of functionality. I don’t have negative or abusive actions or words. It mostly just dulls the things in my brain that I don’t want to deal with. Like limerence. And yeah, no issue I have is the bigger problem. You are right it is alcohol. But at this point I don’t know. I justify because it is my health, just like I don’t preach to my wife about her smoking.
My wife went sober for her health 4 years ago. Not that she was anything more than a social drinker, it was just her choice to do so.
I would say mine and her family aren’t direct enablers, but at the same time no one voices concern because of the lack of negative behaviors that come with my drinking. And that’s not just me, my wife has plenty of functioning alcoholics in her family that are ignored. Only one since I have been married to her went sober and that’s only because it almost killed him.
Neither of my parents were more than social drinkers, if even that. I never saw my father or mother have more than one drink in a row. And as far as I know only one of my father’s six siblings had alcohol issues. So it is not something that I grew up seeing.
Limerence is an issue stemming from my marriage more than anything. I know why it happened. I know why I got attached to her I just didn’t know why it was so intense after months of her leaving until I found out about limerence. Limerence is just the end game to a marriage that has been dying for the last three years or so. I can’t fix it all on my own. I’m tired. I have no where to go if it ends and she has no where to go without me, so we just pretend nothing is wrong for our children and this issue will probably come back up again even if I do get over this woman.
I came to her honest the first day I found about this. I wanted to tell her everything I had learned to try and explain my behavior. Not make excuses for it but explain it. Believe me, I didn’t expect to much sympathy. But I certainly didn’t expected to be treated so coldly for my honesty. I don’t think that she can or will get past this. I screwed the pooch this time. And it’s only out of lack of options that she will stay. What other woman would profess accusations of a PA to their husband for this long and stay? I know why she is still here. We maybe legally married but it’s not in our hearts and I don’t know what to do about that. I’ve gone from a husband to a caretaker in the last 3 years. And I don’t think that is going to change unless I push an ultimatum and I don’t think I am capable of that no matter if I am happy or not.
I don’t understand something. You lay in her lap, but you say your marriage is dying. Okay, maybe you are on an unhealthy trajectory, but there is something good in your marriage, too. No one is allowed to lay in my lap unless I like them. Most people won’t tolerate closeness from someone they don’t at least like. You two still have something. What does Momma say about your relationship? If she was on this website, what would she share?
I must admit something, I dislike hugging two of my kids, but I do it anyway because I feel obligated. I guess it’s possible that Momma lets you lay in her lap out if obligation. Do you feel like it’s out of obligation?
Yes, I feel like she is okay with the level of physical intimacy to string me along even if it is subconscious. I don’t know if she is caught somewhere in her mind between trying to do just enough to keep me present and not wanting to be intimate at all. Our anniversary night in 2021 was her pitying me. She wasn’t present in those moments together. I can see that now, but was just thankful for it then.
The best way I can explain it, at least from my point of view is I know I still love her and will take care of her. Because as I mentioned before the last 3 years have pretty much been caregiver more than husband. And almost exclusively in the last year and half or so. Am I still IN love with her? That I don’t know. I want to love her and I don’t want this to happen again with another woman. I don’t want to misread kindness for romance from another woman and have another LE, if I get over this one. It’s not fair to her (another possible LO) and it’s not fair to my wife, but I have learned with this LE just how emotionally starved I have been. Well not so much learned but finally admitted it to myself.
The situation is so benign almost that I don’t know/want to take action about it. I want to say I will suffer in silence or I will take the breadcrumbs I can get just to keep the whole situation under wraps for the sake of a lot of other people besides just her and our boys.
I don’t think she hates me I just think she can’t understand this concept and so it is easier to frame LO as a homewrecker and me as being in an EA with LO if she can’t prove a PA. So that’s while she will say some very nasty things about LO while saying she still trusts me despite being/been in a EA.
In order words to any other person observing us would think that we are happy couple and in love. The truth is well hidden.
Thanks for responding. Let me see if I understand. Momma needs your support so she gives you just enough emotional intimacy to keep you around. Momma doesn’t want to deepen the connection between the two of you. (She says it is because she is angry about LO, but we don’t really know the reason). You are afraid to take action that may cause irreparable damage so you prefer to continue with things the way they are.
You recognize that the lack of emotional intimacy in your marriage is fueling your unhealthy coping mechanisms.
Did I get it?
Yes that’s the gist of it.
And it is difficult to talk about the limerence to make head way together because she immediately gets upset. Which frustrates me and makes me irritable. Momma won’t even say LO’s name the few times we have talked about it since January. She says “her”.
Every other aspect of our relationship is fine. But because of limerence, LO and physical intimacy are very touchy subjects. I don’t want to push it because than we fight. And I don’t want to do that. I just want her to understand. Whether she forgives me or not and we are a couple again won’t ever happen if we can’t get past the limerence itself, as far as I can tell.
Adam,
This is why God invented therapists. Does your company have an Employee Assistance Program? If they do, I recommend using it.
If they don’t I recommend finding a therapist on your own that will help you sort through all this. See one for yourself before talking to your wife.
LwL is a great place but it’s not a substitute for professional help.
Limerent Emeritus is right (don’t tell him I said that because I don’t want it to go to his head, *wink*). A professional therapist would be helpful.
My family had a huge breakthrough today in therapy! Huge! It takes a lot of work to move forward, but I think therapy is worth the effort.
I would love to see you two connect on a level that fills both of your needs.
Miss Lovisa why do I love two women? Am I selfish to want both? Why am I this way?
Hi Adam,
I don’t think you are selfish. You get a chemical reward from thinking about LO and you get so much more from your wife. They are both meeting some needs and that’s why you’re drawn to both of them.
I think Limerent Emeritus is right about the drinking. I think you might be stuck in a bad habit, but you can make changes anytime. I would encourage you to do something different today. The weather is beautiful in my area, I hope it’s nice where you live. Go outside and do yard work or go for a walk or play a game. That will pull you out of the rumination at least for a little while. It’s good to take steps in the right direction.
My daughter wants to do a short, but steep trail today. I told her that I’ll do it, but we can’t run because my knee is still sore. She doesn’t like running anyway so this will work out. I’m planning to use poles to see if they help my knee. It’s the downhill that I am dreading.
Happy day!
Shes asleep on the couch from a migrane. Im holding her hand and sitting on floor laying in her lap. I love her Miss Lovisa. She squeezed my hand. She knows its me.
Hello everyone. Really good to find this site. I have been in an LE for the past one year. Keep having intrusive thoughts in my head that I cannot seem to control. Would like to get better, and know what to do, but it seems very hard. Married with kids, had a loss in the family sometime back. Would really appreciate thoughts and suggestions. Thanks for listening.
I have been in one for about 2 years now. It’s the first time this has happened to me, and I am grateful to have found this community back in January and finally know what is happening to me.
LO was a now former co-worker. She left the company back in June of last year, so it helped with trying to cope with this limerence. I have been diligent in not contacting her since she left. She called me one time a few months after she left but since then nothing. I’ll admit to having checked her social media 2 or 3 time since but I try to keep myself from that as well.
No contact (if that is possible in your case) and engaging more with my wife has helped in the months since I found this community with the intrusive thoughts. I also spend at least an hour or more each week night after work playing an online video game with our sons. (One is at home and the other in college.) It helps too with not thinking about LO.
The other thing is to try and figure out why you went limerent for someone. In my case our marriage has been shaky in the last 3 years and my wife and I have kind of drifted apart. There is little to no intimacy and not very much emotional needs getting met. So a nice, sweet lady I work with that listens, laughs and gives me attention (innocent attention and no leading on her part) triggered the glimmer and that’s when the limerence flared. In hindsight I see this. The attention she gave me, my brain misconstrued and before I knew it I saw her as a completely different woman than I had before the glimmer.
From the experiences I have read of others here and Dr L’s actual posts, it seems that there is always a reason for the limerence. It’s not really an accidental thing. You, yourself may not intentionally want to go limerent but your brain does it for you as it a neurological event.
This place and these people have been a blessing. And having people to talk with about the experience that are in all kinds of different situations helps with the struggle. Feel free to comment and talk all you want. It really does help.