Life comes at you fast, sometimes.
I’ve had a crazy busy week in the day job, and that happened to coincide with a sudden increase in traffic to the blog. The reason for this was an article published in the Guardian by Elaine Chong.
It’s a great article, and discusses familiar feelings for the readers of LwL – the crush that escalates quickly, the harebrained plots to “bump into” LO, debilitating lovesickness. It also sent a whole lot of new readers our way.
The comments are good value too – the usual split of “that’s just love!” and “you’re a crazy-assed stalker”. People arguing that their feelings are right and that’s that, and anyone who disagrees is wrong.
The scale of the Guardian readership also offers an opportunity to gauge how prevalent limerence is. Current best estimates put the fraction of the population who suffer limerence at about 4-5%. Reading the comments under the article, though, you’d assume the number was a lot higher. Many people reminisce about times in the past when they were limerent, query whether another term is needed for what is obviously just love, or cynically imply it’s just a way of selling more self help books.
This apparent mismatch is interesting. My suspicion is that it is a question of intensity. Many people experience the “new relationship energy” of early infatuation, and so assume that limerence is basically that same jolt of romantic excitement when you meet someone Special.
Perhaps in many ways it is, but limerence is a whole lot more powerful and disruptive.
I think this distinction is well illustrated by Elaine’s own story. She got over her limerence within weeks, so it did not cause lasting harm, but she could nevertheless tell during the experience that the intensity of her infatuation was not normal – it was driving her to behave in ways that were surprising and unsettling, and destabilising to everyday life.
The article develops this idea by consulting mental health experts about what it means when a crush or infatuation gets out of control:
“In general, something becomes [pathological] if it is impacting someone’s daily life and function.”
I think that’s a good benchmark for when a crush becomes limerence. From that perspective, the 5% estimate comes from those people whose early infatuation gets amplified to the point that it dominates their life and transitions to person addiction, not from the number of people who could potentially become limerent or experience powerful infatuation. It matches this flow chart for how romantic attraction can go wrong when the right (or wrong) combination of limerent and limerent object react explosively.
That would explain the scepticism that limerence is distinct from a crush amongst the wider public, who have felt the thrill of romantic connection but not the full mania of limerence.
Or, you know, possibly it’s just that a lot of limerents read the Guardian…
It’s great that you’ve made the Guardian Dr L, and also good that it shines a light on the term and hopefully therefore greater acceptance of the condition.
I don’t think she did a great job in her article really explaining how it differs from a crush though. I can see why a number of the comments are questioning it as a result. I think the fact her’s only lasted 2 weeks could be the reason… she didn’t exactly go through all the things that many contributors on this site have.
As you say, the cross over is when something impacts your ability to function. I also think the involuntary nature of it separates it as well. A number of people on here are married and this hits them out of the blue. It’s unwanted, inappropriate and something they can’t shake off. Certainly not in 2 weeks… That angle would make for a good article.
Yeah, I see what you mean, Vincent. The fact that her limerence resolved quickly could make people think that is was just a crush (even though the intensity was extraordinary from her perspective).
I would say, though, that it makes a pleasant change from the “psycho-stalker” narrative that most journalists seem to prefer…
Totally agree Vincent.
I felt that. For example this week I was triggered after 2 months of NC and literally had chest pains amid the distress. It came on really suddenly and has calmed now (or I’d be booking a GP appointment!).
I know from past experience that I may have another couple of years of this ahead… (my LEs tend to persist that long, though usually with LC. If NC continues hopefully less).
I agree Vincent.
We’ve all had brief infatuations. I had a student teacher who was model handsome. He was 20 years younger and I blushed/overheated whenever he was near.
I knew it was a physical attraction that probably every woman who met him felt.
It faded after a few weeks and I never gave it much thought afterward.
Limerence, the real mind-numbing stuff that disrupted my life, is finally fading. Still there…but my mind is pushing it away. Finally. Two long years of pain.
People who visit this site and speak longingly of it…I remember feeling that way, too.
It’s a destructive, disruptive force.
I wasn’t married when mine started but newly separated. I was vulnerable and looking for something to make me feel – something! It sure did. I was too confused and depressed to think things through clearly. LO became a focus. I knew it was not healthy. It had never happened before.
The idea that limerence, as we understand it, could end in 2 weeks sounds so ridiculous to me that that it made me think of this indelible cinematic image:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0uYB2y3zP-s
Hi Dr L.
I think that there’s also a resentment at the idea that limerence is a ‘higher form’ of romantic commitment. This is clearly a misunderstanding, but I think a lot of limerents contribute to it when waxing lyrical about their amazing experiences.
But of course asking a limerent about what is so great about their experience of love is actually probably akin to asking an opiate addict what the big deal is with heroin or an alcoholic about their experience of drinking.
The thing is that with alcoholism or drug addiction I think most people see there is a spectrum between abstinence-recreation-habit-full addiction… but with love there’s less nuance. Even in some conversations somebody will say ‘you either love them or you don’t.’ The whole ‘do I love them, or am I in love with them?’ Is often seen as muddying the waters… basically you know or you don’t and it’s pretty black and white in public consciousness (even though obviously we quickly learn relationships are negotiations, compromises etc. Once formed as well as good old love and affection). But worse, there also seems to be black/white thinking about healthy/pathological love. You’re either well-adjusted or you’re a bunny boiler.
But just as with alcoholism- there’s plenty of stages between discovering you love a drink and losing your marriage and home – so there is with limerence. I guess if we’re lucky we become life-functioning limerents… we know there is this temptation and we do perceive romantic ideation in a scarily intense addictive way… but it’s hard not to sound like you’re telling people that you love ‘more’ or ‘bettter’ than they do. Much harder than somebody acknowledging you can drink more, and get crazy off it more than them.
…another point is for me (and others) limerance is not nuanced and broadly fulfilling as what I think of as love.
Just because an alcoholic drinks more wine than a connoisseur, doesn’t mean they get as much genuine pleasure from the experience. The buzz might be more intense for the addict but it’s much narrower, and not about enjoying the wine itself so much as the sensation of drinking it.
Right.. I’ve banged on enough for now! 😀
Yes, I totally agree with this, Thomas. It’s as though limerents are boasting about how amazingly good they are at loving, when actually they are completely overwhelmed and desperately trying to cling on to sanity.
We’re not though. We’re pretty messed up. Most of us know that we’re not functioning well.
Yeah, that’s what I mean, Beth. The perception is that we’re boasting, but the reality is we’re drowning.
And your blog is my life preserver!
Seriously grateful to you, Dr. L
Sorry, Beth,
I meant to reply to DrL’s post above yours.
Why would that surprise anyone?
Cognitive dissonance is cognitive dissonance. It seems natural we’d want to ascribe something positive, if not mystical and magical to to it.
At least we get to think we’re getting something back for all the time, effort, money, embarrassment, humiliation, job loss, broken relationships, or whatever else we’ve poured down the rabbit hole.
I hate Grand Opera (ok, some of the music is decent) but I like to think my LEs were worthy of it.
Humiliation, time, effort, yes and my *thoughts.*
This last is the worst. When I could have truly focused on and enjoyed my kids, friends, even my future ex. We were mid-divorce and I focused on LO rather than contemplate reconciliation. LO served that purpose as well…a distraction from the pain of divorce.
“I think that there’s also a resentment at the idea that limerence is a ‘higher form’ of romantic commitment. This is clearly a misunderstanding, but I think a lot of limerents contribute to it when waxing lyrical about their amazing experiences.”
@Thomas. I think limerence is different from a normal crush in that it can be potentially inspiring in a creative sense. If a talented writer or musician in history, for example, has produced something amazing because of their limerent feelings, then I guess limerence has benefited the human race in a way, although it might not have been very emotionally healthy for the individuals involved.
I no longer see limerence and love as the same thing. Limerence is self-centred – it wants something back from the LO. Is limerence the desire to be loved? I recall Tennov saying many non-limerent LOs reach this conclusion – the limerent wants to be loved. I guess such love ends up feeling a bit one-way to non-limerent LOs.
When I think of all the highs and lows I suffered while limerent, and also my intense fear of rejection, I think a perceptive doctor could have almost diagnosed me with borderline personality disorder. I was very, very unhappy. I don’t think a mere crush, even if it results in rejection or ridicule, can makes someone feel that unhappy, like there is no longer any solid ground beneath one’s feet.
I now feel that the “pain” aspect of limerence outweighs the “pleasure” aspect of limerence, so I definitely won’t be boasting about amazing experiences anytime soon. Any amazing experiences come at a cost and the high must be paid for, probably by a low or a period of depression afterward. But mutual limerence, where the people are able to be together – I guess that’s a different kettle of fish.
Sammy: In my recent LE there was a period where I felt that limerence and love were directly in conflict with each other. The limerence made me want the usual things: any kind of validation, reciprocation, acknowledgement that there was something special between us; while the love genuinely cared for LO, wanted the best for her, and that meant absolutely no further contact with me. The love won.
And yes, the very small number of people I have spoken to about limerence just don’t get it at all.
Levin,
“In my recent LE there was a period where I felt that limerence and love were directly in conflict with each other. “
Yes, they are. Despite our differences, I wanted good things for LO. Limerence kept me from being a good friend. Can’t be friends, unfortunately.
“In my recent LE there was a period where I felt that limerence and love were directly in conflict with each other.”
@Levin. Thank you – that’s a great insight. We can have very conflicted feelings about ourselves, about LO, and about limerence itself while limerent. Nothing is straightforward about an LE.
For example, while limerent, I wanted to be close to LO. But at the same time, our interactions turned out to be so painful and fraught with insecurity, I wanted to end things too, just to be free of the pain. I felt like I could never win or do/say the right thing around him. I was always in two minds. Very, very conflicted.
Sammy,
“In my recent LE there was a period where I felt that limerence and love were directly in conflict with each other.”
They are, no. Limerence is about fascination, lust, trying to get at someone, distance. Love is about knowledge and understanding.
Sammy,
“But mutual limerence, where the people are able to be together – I guess that’s a different kettle of fish. “
That would usually turn into a relationship, or go the path of typical love. It works out or not.
From everything I’ve read here, my LE was spurred on by an indecisive LO and distance. But all of it was brought on by my state of mind, I was in a state of depression without realizing how bad it was. My LO interactions became a mental high. One I felt I could not live without.
I felt that it was some kind of special love. Some kind of special bond. It wasn’t. It was my brain lying to me. Even after figuring that out a couple of months ago, with the help of this site, it’s taking me a while to adjust and accept that it was not real.
I feel terrible for all the limerents out there who are suffering and don’t understand why.
“‘. . . where the people are able to be together’ That would usually turn into a relationship”
I think infatuation becomes pathological limerence only when things go wrong. And there are sooo many things that can go wrong in a budding romance. Most of us give little thought to things that go as planned or expected.
“I think infatuation becomes pathological limerence only when things go wrong. And there are sooo many things that can go wrong in a budding romance.”
I wonder how many people have experienced mutual infatuation. I never have. Mutual interest, yes, but I was either more interested or he was. Even mutual interest that moved us into a relationship, even strong feelings, but it was never mutual infatuation at the start.
Marcia: I’ve experienced mutual infatuation. People can become limerent at the same time. But it existed in a bubble of inappropriateness, which eventually had to burst. It’s of course the barriers that help to create and sustain the limerence for both people in those circumstances.
Beth: I think there are instances in which depression and limerence are closely linked. Limerence can be both a symptom of, and a coping strategy for, depression. The limerent highs help to make you feel better, but that mode of obsessive and unproductive thinking is, for me at least, quite similar to depression. When the limerence ends (and one way or another it will end) you’re potentially heading for an almighty crash, especially if in acting on your limerence you’ve also managed to trash your life.
Levin
“I’ve experienced mutual infatuation. ”
You are lucky. I’d like to experience it once before I get off this planet. To jump off the cliff with someone in a delicious dopamine high. 🙂
“When the limerence ends (and one way or another it will end) you’re potentially heading for an almighty crash, especially if in acting on your limerence you’ve also managed to trash your life.”
That is exactly what happened to me. The last year has been limerence dying down and NC, and it coincided with COVID isolation. This has been a very rough year.
Marcia,
Covid…yeah.
I believe that if this had been a typical year, my
LE would have ended long ago. Unfortunately, I was in the midst of no contact for about six months when Covid hit. And although he had been on my mind, I was definitely feeling stronger when I foolishly renewed contact. I thought I was over it. Going no contact again plus the isolation of Covid nearly did me in. It’s been a weird series of events that has led to this.
Yes, a delicious feeling once he was back in my life. Unbelievable high. Nothing can match it! But not love. Not real.
And I am in no way shape or form eager to feel that way again.
Beth,
“And I am in no way shape or form eager to feel that way again.”
Oh, I do. But I want it to mutual and no flim-flam. It actually moves forward. And once I get that out of my system, I’ll look for something more substantial. 🙂
“That would usually turn into a relationship, or go the path of typical love. It works out or not.”
@Beth. Yes. Able to be together = no obstacles to a relationship. Adversity (in the form of obstacles) can intensify limerence dramatically. The more obstacles there are, the bigger limerence grows until you have this massive metaphorical elephant following you around everywhere you go, demanding to be petted. 🙂
“I felt that it was some kind of special love. Some kind of special bond. It wasn’t. It was my brain lying to me. Even after figuring that out a couple of months ago, with the help of this site, it’s taking me a while to adjust and accept that it was not real.”
Weirdly enough, I thought mine was special too. In truth, I was probably very lonely and wasn’t connecting very well with peers at school. I was a bit alienated from my family, as my parents fought a lot. I think we’re vulnerable to limerence when things aren’t going so great in our lives and we’re at a bit of a loose end.
Glad this site has helped you and others get back on track. Suffering limerence alone and without help is terrible. Kind wishes.
@Marcia,
“Oh, I do. But I want it to mutual and no flim-flam. It actually moves forward. And once I get that out of my system, I’ll look for something more substantial.”
How wonderful for the guy you eventually settle for! I’m sure he’d love knowing that you’re capable of great passion and romance and have already given the best you have to offer to another man. What guy wouldn’t?
Will you get it out of your system or would you always compare him to your LO? Best keep that one to yourself. The guy you settle for will wonder…forever. If you’re lucky, he’ll only feel mildly used by you until he figures it out and resents you for it, preferably while he can still easily dismiss you.
When LO #2 admitted I was a decent guy and there were things about me she really liked but she wanted to look around some more and if she didn’t find anything she liked better she might move back and settle for me, I had to get out of the car so I didn’t backhand her with my fist. I never trusted her after she said that. 30 years later, her chutzpah still pisses me off.
Scharnhorst,
“How wonderful for the guy you eventually settle for!”
I don’t know if I consider it settling. It’s just a different kind of relationship.
“The guy you settle for will wonder…forever. If you’re lucky, he’ll only feel mildly used by you until he figures it out and resents you for it, preferably while he can still easily dismiss you.”
How do you know he’ll be all ga ga for me? Maybe he’ll be looking at the situation practically, too. Or how do you know he wont have his own LO? I don’t mind to sound snarky, but I’ve read posts on here from people who were married but pre-occupied with an LO for TWENTY years. I’ve had one LO who became a boyfriend, and when the LE was over, he was out of my system entirely. In the best case scenario, the relationship moves into something deeper, but there’s no guarantee.
“Oh, I do. But I want it to mutual and no flim-flam. It actually moves forward. And once I get that out of my system, I’ll look for something more substantial. 🙂”
@Marcia. It’s intriguing you should say this. Tennov writes that at least part of limerence is the desire for limerence. (If we don’t desire limerence, I guess we don’t fall into it?)
I’d say a lot of young adults probably aren’t conscious of any limerent urges. However, as we grow older, we hopefully become a little wiser to what’s going on inside our own noggins! 😛
Let’s say you get this mutual limerence you crave. Let’s say it lasts between eighteen months and three years – the fairly standard duration. Do you think you’ll be okay with the blissful feelings only lasting a set period of time? Do you want a relationship, in other words, but would really like it to start off with a proper (limerent) bang? For you, does it come down to “this is a life experience I’d like to have before I move onto other goals and projects, etc”?
Sammy,
“Do you think you’ll be okay with the blissful feelings only lasting a set period of time? ”
I won’t really have a choice.
“Do you want a relationship, in other words, but would really like it to start off with a proper (limerent) bang? ”
Well, I’d I want it to have impact. I don’t want to look back on it as some cheap hook up. I was just thinking about this co-worker who asked me out several years ago. Guess who he ended up marrying? The other single woman at our job. Do you see where I’m going with this? Someone who could feel it intensely with me.
“For you, does it come down to “this is a life experience I’d like to have before I move onto other goals and projects, etc”?”
Not so much other goals, but I’ll feel like I missed out on a life experience.
Marcia: “Not so much other goals, but I’ll feel like I missed out on a life experience.”
Would you choose mutual infatuation, knowing that it would end in complete disaster? I guess there’s the Romeo & Juliet situation, but I think worse (!) is when it goes so unbelievably wrong that both parties are left regretting the entire thing. That kind of ruins it.
Levin,
“Would you choose mutual infatuation, knowing that it would end in complete disaster? I guess there’s the Romeo & Juliet situation, but I think worse (!) ”
Funny that you pick Romeo and Juliet. I realize what I’m asking for sounds a bit juvenile, but I was a late bloomer and never experienced mutual infatuation. Actually, I think infatuation is painful if it’s not reciprocated or, even worse, if it’s half-reciprocated but the other person isn’t as interested and it never really gets off the ground. That is what a lot of us have experienced on here. I could be kidding myself. I don’t know. I’ve had one LO who became a boyfriend, and when the limerence died, it was time to move on because I could see him clearly and I didn’t particularly like him as a person. I’m not saying the break up didn’t have any effect on me, but the LOs with whom I never really experienced ” the full Monty” hurt me more.
Sammy,
That really resonates very strongly with me. My recent LO snapped at me a couple of times for being ‘needy’… I think after a few months it became clear that whatever was going on, there was this in weird vibe – I was adoring etc. But at the same time it was almost more that I was obsessed with being in that adoring state. To put it (maybe too) harshly, LO was a prop, a means to accessing a sensation. But outwardly expressed/performed as romantic pursuit.
I’m not sure I’d ever have framed my behaviour so detachedly in the past, but I feel like my interpretation of myself in limerence suggests that (funnily enough like last week) we are not performing our true selves during limerence. So actually for any decent (i.e. non-nanipulative, fairly well adjusted) LOs I can see it dawning at some that this infatuation is not really about them…
“To put it (maybe too) harshly, LO was a prop, a means to accessing a sensation.”
@Thomas. I don’t think you’re putting it too harshly. This is one of the best insights I’ve read into the (largely-unconscious) mental processes of someone experiencing limerence.
I was reading a biography of the legendary writer, Daphne du Maurier, who was a married mother of three, but bisexual – at least in her wonderfully rich imagination. From the sound of things, Daphne became limerent at one point for Ellen Doubleday, the wife of her (Daphne’s) publisher. Sometimes the two women would travel to Europe together.
Daphne would do weird things – insist on carrying Ellen’s parcels, for example. When Daphne was around Ellen, Daphne could access the “boy part” of her personality, and obviously she enjoyed the sensations/emotions involved. Ellen, on the other hand, wasn’t always impressed. She accused Daphne of “clothing her (the older woman) in fantasies” and of losing her sense of humour.
The limerence was more about Daphne’s desire to access certain sensations clearly than it was about being a real friend to Ellen. Ellen didn’t need someone to carry her parcels. Ellen just wanted a regular, good-natured travel companion.
“I’m not sure I’d ever have framed my behaviour so detachedly in the past, but I feel like my interpretation of myself in limerence suggests that (funnily enough like last week) we are not performing our true selves during limerence. So actually for any decent (i.e. non-manipulative, fairly well adjusted) LOs I can see it dawning at some that this infatuation is not really about them…”
Fabulous insight, mate. You’re definitely touching on something important here. We’re not our authentic selves while limerent. There must be LOs out there who can see through the theatre.
Ps. I’m practising more openness with friends. I told some people I was having a hard week ruminating on LO. I felt really embarrassed, but they were supportive but also mercifully dismissive which I found really comforting actually. In the sense of checking that I could be trusted not to call LO, then moving the conversation on.
One said ‘don’t let your lonliness make you reach out to toxic people. Don’t drink poison just because you’re thirsty.’ Which I liked.
Thomas,
“I felt really embarrassed, but they were supportive but also mercifully dismissive which I found really comforting actually.”
I’ve had the opposite experience. I’ve told friends who were also dismissive (or looked at me like I was a bit crazy), but I found their reactions completely unhelpful. I never brought it up again and they certainly didn’t. (Strange in that they claimed to be friends and the limerence was really bothering me.) I didn’t need them to indulge my fantasies, but a shred of compassion would have been nice. They weren’t limerents themselves and couldn’t understand it. The basic message was: Get over it.
I’m sorry Marcia,
To be honest the friends in this case have known me through several LEs over twenty years. They’ve seen the turmoil and in the early days definitely found it mystifying and at times annoying. So for years I just minimised it. Like a lot of friendships we see each other less than we used too when we were in our 20s (jobs/families yadda yadda) so it was easier to never mention it. But in recent months I’ve just been having a tough time. So I’ve chosen to be more open. In their defence they know that given the chance I can talk about LO/LE to the exclusion of everything else. Which leaves me a little manic and them nonplussed (because apparently they didn’t get the memo that my LO is actually very important as are the minutiae of our dysfunctional dance). That’s why I used the paradoxical supportive/dismissive because they know what I can be like, and they also recognise that not indulging it is actually fairly good. After all, when you think about it, this guy is ghosting me… a break from ruminating on that with friends is probably more nourishing than bitching, analysing and giving him any more of my focus.
But yes. At the beginning these friends certainly didn’t understand (still don’t I think) but now they know I’m a bit strange sometimes and are used to avoiding fanning flames, while also acknowledging it.
Thomas,
“Like a lot of friendships we see each other less than we used too when we were in our 20s (jobs/families yadda yadda) so it was easier to never mention it. ”
Friendship is so different in middle age. About two hours is the most you can get out of people, and everyone rushes off … to what, I don’t know. I just had dinner with 3 friends. One is an empty nester. One is single with no kids and the third has kids in high school who were not home tonight. Heaven help if we stay out later than 9 p.m. I’m starting to think what I get out of it is almost not worth the effort to shower and get ready. But I digress. Sorry. 🙂
“In their defence they know that given the chance I can talk about LO/LE to the exclusion of everything else.”
Oh, gotcha.
“That’s why I used the paradoxical supportive/dismissive because they know what I can be like, and they also recognize that not indulging it is actually fairly good. ”
I understand. Talking about it can make it worse b/c it encourages ruminating. I was referring to a first-time discussion during which the topic was dismissed. I didn’t expect to be discussing it all the time or even every time we met, but it would have been nice if one of them said, months later, “Hey, how you feeling about that guy?” That’s all.
I completely agree that finding friends, even good friends, to understand the condition is nigh on impossible. “You are still going on about that” , “just get over it” , “it meant nothing” , “just leave SO and find someone else” all leave me looking to fellow sufferers to avoid support and guidance. I have thought about disclosing to my SO (she knew about an EA I had with my LO last year) but it seems crazy to and I feel will be detrimental to us moving forward. It absolutely is an addiction \ compulsion and trying not to fuel it makes it worse. I have learned to live with it, accept it will be there for some time but will eventually become something to just live with.
I know I love my SO, I also know I am limerent for another and wish I wasn’t. NC (clean) now for five months.
Thanks for the blog posts DrL, they really do help.
Seb,
“I completely agree that finding friends, even good friends, to understand the condition is nigh on impossible. ”
I don’t really expect people to understand, but it would be nice to not be dismissed. I mean, isn’t friendship supposed to be supportive? I often listen when my friends talk about parts of their life I don’t personally relate to. Again, I don’t expect weekly or even monthly conversations about limerence. But every now and then would be nice. It feels weird to be walking around with all this inner turmoil while keeping the conversation at the level of what sauce to put on the chicken.
Yes, it can lead to ruminating, Marcia.
I’m sorry your friends didn’t ask about it later. It’s such a huge, unwanted part of your life. A burden I’d gladly never have taken up.
Beth,
“It’s such a huge, unwanted part of your life.”
I think what bothered me most was that the LE took up such a huge part of my inner life. I’d been sitting with a friend discussion what we were going to eat for lunch, and at leas 50 % of me was thinking about my LO. But I couldn’t talk about it. Or was told to get over it. That kind of reaction makes you retreat into yourself, which is not good if you are limerent.
“The basic message was: Get over it.”
@Marcia. I’m sorry you got this response. I think limerence is a subject that might be better-discussed with other people who have gone through it? I think people who haven’t experienced limerence have a hard time empathising with limerent friends. Like you say, they most likely want to talk about other topics. Some may even struggle to believe in the limerent condition at all, since their own love-lives have been straightforward.
To a lot of folk, I think, limerence sounds like an over-the-top crush, where people are exaggerating the intensity of their feelings or making wilfully bad choices. The involuntary aspect of limerence is often overlooked.
I agree that it is the involuntary nature of it that is really hard to explain to non-limerents.
Stop overthinking was one response I got from a trusted friend, a mutual friend of mine and LOs.
I have realised I need to also distance myself from mutual friends. It’s too much temptation and while they may innocently mention LO it does me no favours.
Maybe for men it is harder to talk about with trusted friends. We aren’t always great at talking about feelings and stuff at the best of times.
That for me is why I find these forums a lifeline. To know it’s not something only I am going through and to realise there is actually a reason behind these feelings that is biological by nature.
@Seb. You make some good points.
“Stop overthinking was one response I got from a trusted friend, a mutual friend of mine and LOs.”
Yes, but it’s the nature of limerents to overthink everything! That’s what rumination is all about. 😛
“I have realised I need to also distance myself from mutual friends. It’s too much temptation and while they may innocently mention LO it does me no favours.”
Agreed. Avoiding mutual friends can be a valuable strategy in terms of recovery – like we need an excuse to talk about LO or innocently bring him/her up.
“Maybe for men it is harder to talk about with trusted friends. We aren’t always great at talking about feelings and stuff at the best of times.”
Yes, I would probably open up to a female friend first and then see how it goes. Although plenty of women have never experienced limerence. A guy friend who has experienced limerence would be a better source of support than a woman friend who hasn’t.
Tbh, I have always been afraid that talking about LE with friends would brand me “delusional” and crazy(I’ve come close to others insinuating this already) so I just don’t talk about it, unless it’s with complete strangers.
Hello all,
I’m one of the people who found this blog through the Guardian, and I wanted to come out of the woodwork just temporarily to say thank you so much, both for the posts and the comments. They have come at just the right time for me. My LO suddenly ghosted me 4 months ago for no reason that I know of, and I have been really struggling with a desire to get him to see that he’s hurt me, or to tell me what I did (if anything). I felt I needed closure but your posts and comments have helped me to accept that any closure is going to come from inside me.
Still hurts, but I can see it’s going to get better.
I also didn’t know much about limerence before and it was kind of reassuring to see that the level of scrambled judgement I’ve been having is “normal” under these circumstances.
As I said, I’ve read through dozens of your posts and hundreds of comments, and I have pulled the best quotes together into a summary of them to remind myself. Perhaps someone else may find it useful too, so I will repost it below. (Virtually none of the wording is my own). Thank you all again for this great resource.
—
Limerence thrives on uncertainty, and sharing. Oversharing feels natural, but oxytocin then forms a bond, making the LO a source of emotional sustenance and giving them central importance. Bonding is hard to unstick. Be careful who you share yourself with.
Be aware that the neurochemical storm of limerence can scramble judgement spectacularly.
Overcoming the habit of using limerence as a mood regulator :
Step one: find better, healthier strategies for mood regulation e.g. dancing, walking, creative activity,…
Step two: find new hobbies and interests. Novelty is rewarding.
Step three: know your triggers and plan ahead. (HALT – are you hungry, angry, lonely or tired?)
Step four: purpose! When your energy is focused on achieving something worthwhile that you care about, the need for mood regulation decreases.
Recovery
If you want to recover, it is in your power to do so. Ask yourself what this person represented for you, and find that for yourself. Focus on your own behaviour. Realise you would be better without a relationship with these kinds of highs and lows. It’s toxic and the only solution is to walk away. “This is a sacrifice I am willing to make.” Cultivating an internal locus of control is very freeing. It means tolerance, vs obsession. When other people let you down, you tolerate their failings and get back on with your own work. The tolerant mind says, “that person is permanently a mystery to you, and that’s OK.”
Resolve is about the direction that you are taking, the compass you are using to orient yourself, and the principles that you are going to use as a guide to behaviour. The key principles for managing limerence are self-awareness, self-discipline, and the desire to live a more purposeful life. The purposeful life is the “why” of why you want to be better. What do you want your life to be like? Living with purpose means making decisions on the basis of whether they will help you embody your ideals. You are responsible for solving the problem, taking purposeful steps in a positive direction. Tell yourself the story of who you are and what you want to achieve. Resolve to be better, not perfect.
No-contact is empowering. Closure is a settlement you are making with yourself alone. You accept that perfect endings don’t really exist, that you deciding the end has come is sufficient closure. You won’t get relief by seeking revenge or trying to force them to acknowledge that they have wronged you. Forgiveness is a great way to emotionally detach. Focus on positive aspects of this ending, if necessary journal about them. Often, holding onto bits of hope about a person or relationship is what we do when we are too afraid to move forward. Stop looking back. Take the ghosting as a parting gift, and view it as a launching pad to a much better, authentic life.
Welcome, Anneli. Really glad that the site has helped – and thanks for the summary of highlights.
There’s quite a body of knowledge to work through now. As of this moment, 208 posts, and 1.7 million words of comments!
Hi Anneli, I came here because of the Guardian article too… This site has been really helpful in terms of understanding, I read articles and think ‘yep, going to try No Contact, it’d be great to be free of this, I like the idea of gradually cutting back…’ Then LO messages and I get all excited again 😭 Unfortunately I’m not at the point where I want to stop, LO is still the most exciting part of my life. I’ve been working on the ‘purposeful living,’ but starting yoga, and a few more hours at work, just aren’t as exciting as having a clandestine lover.
Hi Julia.
Unsure what your situation is but I can only tell you that the lows, if yours is truly limerence, are not worth the highs.
I wish I had found this site two years ago.
LE nearly caused a nervous breakdown.
I’m not a lifelong limerent, I think. But LE caused enough pain for one.
Thanks Beth, I’m not sure if it is either. This summer I felt awful, I was so anxious, and had physical symptoms as well eg. weight loss, insomnia. But I’m doing better now, and I think it’s a case of managing expectations – LO is there for me up to a certain point, and if I can accept that, maybe I can keep them in my life?
And although I don’t wish this on you, it might take another x years to “let go.” Ask me how I know and I’m not even fully there yet.
Julia,
I encourage you to read other blog entries about the possibilities of keeping LO as a friend.
I tried that but always wanted more.
NC has worked for me.
I’m past the longing stage, and am working toward indifference.
Closer and closer.
This blog is invaluable. Also, we can choose. After years of struggle, I choose freedom.
Hi Julia,
There are a small minority of people here who have managed to maintain some kind of friendship with an LO (or former LO), although I think there are a lot of caveats to that statement. I’d say if it got to weight loss and insomnia, then you’re kidding yourself that you can be “friends” with this person, and it not do you enormous damage. None of us want to hear that we have to let LO go. I realized that I needed to do this a year and a half ago, but I simply didn’t want to. It’s only in the last few months that this has really sunk in, and I’ve both acted on that, and accepted it fully. Perhaps we all need to go through that slow process of realization.
I thought the article was good, too, (The Guardian does some good stuff) and I know she is quoting Tennov on this, but has any true limerent gotten over limerence in a matter of weeks? I think my shortest LE may have been about a year or two — where I could officially say I was over the person and no longer thinking about him. That doesn’t mean that, at some point in that time, the LE lessened as life got in the way or I starting hanging out with someone else, but I’m referring to the time when the LE was completely over.
I completely agree Marcia,
Two weeks is nothing. If an LE was over in two weeks who’d notice?!
😀
“Two weeks is nothing. If an LE was over in two weeks who’d notice?!”
@Thomas. All I can say is total rejection or perfect reciprocation must have happened in a hurry. There’s not much time for big emotions to develop like waves and envelop the participants. Not much time for reverie either.
On the other hand, Tennov does mention in her book a case of very short-lived limerence. Apparently, it occurred between a couple who met overseas while they were sightseeing or something. They knew they wouldn’t see each other when they returned home. A holiday romance I guess? They spent a few blissful days together in some place like Venice.
In fairness, the author of the Guardian article says “I got over my limerence after a few weeks” so it could have been longer. But I think the central point was she had never felt that intensity of infatuation before.
@DRLIMERENCE.
Sorry, Dr. L. I got so excited by the discussion that I jumped right in without reading the Guardian article. But I now see there’s a link to Elaine Chong’s piece at the top. I will definitely read it in full now.
I am really glad that limerence as a subject is getting some thoughtful media coverage.
“I think the central point was she had never felt that intensity of infatuation before.”
Yes, Tennov does mention limerence is something people may only understand after experiencing it.
@DRLIMERENCE.
Wow. That is a pretty solid, well-written article. Congratulations to Elaine Chong! And it’s great to have the blog mentioned in relation to a piece on limerence that is both respectful and informative.
It’s a big thumbs-up from me! 🙂
Nice to see it in the papers. Although a few weeks hardly gets the point over around this debilitating condition.
Things have got worse for me. I’m now off work and just constantly cry. I’m self harming and constantly thinking of suicide. Dying for someone you love however delusion is a noble way to go and my poor poor mind could rest. Everything in life is a perception and therefore delusion to a point. Except this one can’t be spoken of.
Life’s too boring without limerence and as I age, it becomes even more unacceptable and difficult to fulfil. I tasted the rainbow and no other life experiences will ever come close.
@AboutAGirl, is there anyone you can talk to about this? I worry when I hear about people having suicidal thoughts. Can you talk to a friend or family member? Do you have an Employee Assistance Program (EAP) you can access? I can assure you that limerence isn’t worth dying for. It brings a certain level of euphoria, but there is the negative side to it as well and it isn’t all it’s cracked up to be. Many people find a certain degree of freedom once they finally kick the limerence habit. I also agree with Dr. L’s recommendation for purposeful living and the idea that we need to have goals and passions to keep our minds off of limerence and our LOs. If you want to talk through your issues in greater detail and in an environment that is even more supportive and confidential, I would also recommend joining the LwL discussion forum. I am sure many of us would be happy to hear from you and be there to provide advice and support among a community of likeminded individuals.
@AboutAGirl. I would like to second what Vicarious Limerent has to say.
From my own experience, the very dark feelings do pass eventually. Limerence is like being stuck in a haunted house, full of mirrors that distort reality. One day you will find your way out of that crazy maze and back outside again in the fresh air, able to think clearly. You just have to be very gentle with yourself and very patient with yourself and realise that no bad experience lasts forever. Your own brain will want to return to a more balanced state, as humans aren’t designed to be permanently euphoric or permanently despondent. Life will get better.
There’s no harm in doing little things to cheer yourself up – have a bubble bath, for example, stop by the bakery and try a different small cake each time. Such things sound self-indulgent. But if simple pleasures can take your mind off limerence, then that can only be a good thing, right?
Limerence does end eventually. Just be very, very kind to yourself and take one day at a time. Surround yourself with loving friends (and pets!). Try to take an interest in other people’s lives. Watch funny movies. Have a good cry from time to time if you need to, then pick yourself up and go for an invigorating walk.
“Life’s too boring without limerence and as I age, it becomes even more unacceptable and difficult to fulfil. I tasted the rainbow and no other life experiences will ever come close.”
I can relate to what you’re saying here. Part of the limerence trap is your mind tells you nothing else is worthwhile, nothing else matters. The pleasure of limerence in its early stages is indescribable, a drug trip, which is why we are drawn in so powerfully, hypnotised even. The key is to realise that limerence is like one giant rainbow. Rainbows don’t have to be giant. We can try and find the smaller rainbows (and silver linings) that exist in our other relationships and hobbies. Thanks for sharing – I’m sorry you’re in so much pain at the moment.
What is the advice for initiating no contact? I know deep down that this is what I need to do if I have any chance of getting over this episode in my life. The weeks between seeing my LO are hard but I have observed they get easier as the space increases. I then see them and it feels like I’m right back at the start of the ladder- the pain the next day is excruciating. So I know fine well no contact is needed, but I don’t have the guts to actually make it happen. Sometimes I try in a vague sense and then they contact me and the cycle just continues.
Hi Charlie,
The strategy required is very specific to the situation. Who is LO, a friend? Colleague? Family member? Ex? Is no contact practical? It sounds practical in that you only see LO periodically with multi-week gaps.
In terms of emotional support there is the community here, I have always found kind support and one or more members often drift through the site ready to lend a sympathetic ear or some practical advice in a crisis.
In terms of willpower I wish I could offer advice but I suck at NC, usually cracking after a couple of months. However, when I eventually manage it (generally after a few painful false starts) it is clearly the only way to go if practical.
In terms of tactics, many people go through a phase of low-contact to soften the blow and avoid potential drama. Gradually become less available, and less responsive. If you want a quicker solution and it is safe to do so then disclose your feelings, and assuming they are not-reciprocated explain that you need to have to time to get over them. This conversation (if it happens) should be straightforward and direct, and you must be prepared to stand by it if that is what you ask for. It will be best for both of you not to flip-flop and upset yourself and potentially LO.
The advantage of disclosure is you lose your camouflage, and once out in the open I think it’s easier to act purposefully. It might be a sad conversation depending on the circumstance but at least you will have been honest and done the honourable thing.
Alternatively low contact is the less dramatic route – but much harder to manage for many people. I haven’t ever been in a situation where contact with LO was unavoidable so I’ve always gone with NC, or had NC thrust upon me after flip flopping.
Charlie,
This article is a good leaping off point:
https://livingwithlimerence.com/how-to-get-rid-of-limerence/
And…
https://livingwithlimerence.com/when-to-disclose/
In terms of coping once into NC:
https://livingwithlimerence.com/the-four-phases-of-no-contact/
And:
https://livingwithlimerence.com/the-loneliness-of-no-contact/
Good luck, however you go forward.
Thank you Thomas. This is all very helpful and I will spend time reading through the suggested articles and advice provided. The relationship with the LO is quite complicated and there has been a period, following a previous disclosure, of reciprocation. As you highlighted there however gaps between meetings and no contact should therefore be possible. I suppose the difficulty is actually wanting to be in contact! I like your suggestion of low contact which I have realised is what I am trying to do.
Charlie,
That is so tough. My limerance pattern always involves people with whom there’s been a bit of mutual attraction, and reciprocation. Also worth searching out is the article on ‘limerent for an ex’. The knowledge that at one time you were attractive/desirable enough to respond to but now circumstances have changed and LO has withdrawn can be very painful. In a way it’s quite different to the torture of unrequited limerence where there’s always that ‘if we got it together it would be amazing…’ vs. ‘We actually did embark on something but now it is clearly not what my fantasy of the situation suggested and it doesn’t work.’
For those of you contemplating elective Low Contact sans intent to actually get out of limerence, here are some recommended blogs that may help.
https://livingwithlimerence.com/can-limerence-be-safely-harnessed/
https://livingwithlimerence.com/using-limerence-for-mood-regulation/
https://livingwithlimerence.com/limerence-as-stress-relief/
https://livingwithlimerence.com/why-limerence-feels-so-good/
The notion of making limerence work for you doesn’t seem to pan out. It’s not that it can’t be done, but nobody still posting here has been able to pull it off permanently. But, if you’re really good and your LO behaves themselves, it can work for awhile.
I so agree with all of that!
My personal experience shows me it can be done… if you have:
– a good non-enabling LO;
– certain pre-existing temperament and set of mental habits;
– a long-standing mindfulness practice to cultivate the required self awareness and attention control;
– Covid enforced LC;
But it is a constant effort to manage it, and sometimes you lose the will to bother. And quickly down the rabbit hole you fall… again and again and again.
…or once the LE is properly over. Though this might be a serial limerent thing. I tend to find myself drifting from one LE to the next… and I can be friends with ex-LOs… I guess as long as there’s a current LO in my life…
Someone once told me that you have about 2 weeks to make good on a mutual infatuation. If you dither much longer than that, the window of opportunity quickly closes. In hindsight, I believe this is pretty sound advice. I think if you can confront your “future” LO at the initial onset of the glimmer, and find out their status right away, before you become so emotionally confuckulated that it becomes a byzantine riddle to figure out, limerence might be avoided from the outset.
James A.,
“I think if you can confront your “future” LO at the initial onset of the glimmer, and find out their status right away, before you become so emotionally confuckulated that it becomes a byzantine riddle to figure out, limerence might be avoided from the outset.”
Could not agree more. Get it out in the open within a few weeks. No more. Then you know if the person is available, is interested, and will ever do anything. And if he/she says she is interested but nothing happens in the next couple of weeks, well, there’s your answer. Or if you get a vague answer, well, there’s your answer.
I did have one more thought, however. Limerence can creep up on you and consume your thoughts faster than an aggressive flu virus. Sometimes you’re already in trouble before you know it. Knowing you are going to be limerent before you are limerent might be as hard to know as detecting another global financial crisis only one day into it. I fear that only in hindsight can we really know.
James A.
“Limerence can creep up on you and consume your thoughts faster than an aggressive flu virus. Sometimes you’re already in trouble before you know it. …I fear that only in hindsight can we really know.”
Well, even if it creeps up on you, you know, at some point, when you’re it in. I think you can tell when you are obsessively thinking about someone, giddy in their presence, planting yourself in places to “run into” them. This ain’t rocket science. So when you figure it out … get an answer quickly. I just think that most people don’t want a definitive answer and, deep down, they already know it (definitely the case with me).
@James,
I get what you mean, but I also see Marcia’s point. I think once you learned about limerence and recognised that in yourself it’s much less likely that you’ll just find yourself in trouble out of nowhere…
Not that knowledge is total power… but it gives you mental tools you didn’t necessarily have before. I just reached out to my distant, ghostly LO. I knew it was a desperate limerent urge, but I caved… they’ve not replied (why would they?) and I’ve been grossly irritable with anybody who comes near me all day. So yeah… you can understand the situation and still mess up – but in recent years and especially with this LO I’m at least handling it better than before… thanks in large part to finding this place.
Thomas,
” I knew it was a desperate limerent urge, but I caved…”
I’m not criticizing you. We have all done it. But at some point, we consciously choose to continue to indulge when every previous interaction with the LO has told us we must walk away.
…even to the point of humiliation it seems. I’m thinking of changing my phone provider. I keep clawing his number back from my itemized bills. :/
There’s no way I’m succumbing to limerence again after the last experience. I had both depression and a LE in my early 20s, although I didn’t know what the latter was then, and in any case had coped with it. I had no idea that either would hit me with full force again, simultaneously, almost 20 years later. I thought I’d grown out of it, frankly. If there’s a next time, then I’m prepared, and I’m not taking any shit. Watch out, future LOs…
Levin,
“I’m not taking any shit. Watch out, future LOs…”
I love it! To paraphrase Brittney Spears song, “You’re Levin, bitch!”
I agree James. Even when you are well aware of your own idiotic limerent inclination, when you are not looking for or needing anyone, you feel the glimmer, and you do all you can to actively prevent an episode taking root. Even then it can take root quietly, gradually growing stronger and stronger deep inside without you even realising. Then suddenly it hits you… you love them! F***, how did that happen! I must stop. But it feels so happy, so right, so damn joyous! I will stop, just not today.
I’ve been thinking that this LE was my only one in life. And that it was caused by a series of unfortunate events. I’m obviously predisposed to being Limerent, however. I’ve had enough bad feelings and connection to Limerence that I don’t ever want to experience it again. There’s nothing wrong with finding that I’m attracted to someone. Limerence definitely crept up on me. As I said, I felt as if I had lost my mind because it was something that I’d never dealt with before. Even when I had had my heart broken in the past, I never obsessed or thought about someone so much. I grieved and thought that this was going to be the same thing. It would not go away. And although I consulted with two therapists, neither really had any answers. The one thing I should’ve done, and did not do, was maintained no contact. Like a drug addict, I could not seem to stop occasionally reaching out. So humiliating.
I wonder, was it the “intermittent reward” you got from your relationship, that differentiates it from others you have had, and really got you hooked Beth? Similar to how the “intermittent reward” from slot machines is deliberately designed to turn anyone into an addicted gambler, your LOs behaviour was designed to turn anyone into an addicted limerent.
I think there are many routes into limerence, mine was romantic idealism, but maybe this is yours.
I think of limerence like an allergy. Most people don’t know they have an allergy until they encounter a specific allergen. If you don’t encounter the allergen, you don’t suffer the effect. Just like some people have a lower sensitivity, serial limerents may be more sensitive to an LO’s vibe.
The effects can range from mild to severe. Bees are benign and beneficial but if you’re allergic to them, they can kill you. You can go your whole life never knowing how close to death you really were. If we’re lucky, we may realize we’re screwed up but few, if any of us, know how or why before we suffer consequences.
A conducive environment may not be an absolute pre-requisite for an LE but it helps. My vulnerability to particular
traits in an LO have existed for decades. LO #2 should have alerted me to the problem but one event doesn’t define a pattern. Later, problems in my marriage had me looking for a distraction and in the process I encountered my LO prototype.
Encountering LO #4 was pure chance, developing an acquaintance with her was a choice, the LE and subsequent EA were unintended consequences. The right threat met the right vulnerability at the right time. I had no intent to go down that path but that doesn’t make me any less responsible for it.
Allie,
“I wonder, was it the “intermittent reward” you got from your relationship”
That definitely suckered me in but also the mystery of wondering if my LO was interested or would ever do anything. When I was in my 20s, a guy got your number on a Saturday and didn’t call until at least Monday so as not to appear too eager. You’d make a date and maybe not hear from him again until you went out. This created anticipation and mystery. Now, a guy gets your number and texts you right away, every day, all the way up to the
date. It’s so different. And there was my LO, who wasn’t so obvious.
@Scharnhorst,
Wow. I had that very thought about the allergy metaphor just yesterday. LOs are not necessarily poisonous per se. I reasoned. Even though it’s easy to dish out the ‘toxic’ slur.
Then I too thought- this is specific to MY response. Like an allergy.
…and that itch you shouldn’t scratch. It only makes it worse!
@Marcia…
Getting a number and waiting the obligatory 72 hours to phone… the good old days.
No grey ticks. No ‘last online 3 minutes ago…’ No ‘HOW CAN YOU BE ONLINE NOW AND YET YOU ARENT RESPONDING TO MY NESSAGE ABOUT WHAT I HAD FOR DINNER?!’
I don’t even know how I managed limerence without a mobile to torment me. But I did.
Thomas,
“Getting a number and waiting the obligatory 72 hours to phone… the good old days.”
It creeps me out when I meet someone for 10 minutes at a party and he is communicating daily immediately. It’s too much. I don’t talk to close friends that often. It should take a least a little bit of time to get to that level. I remember years ago when this guy who’d I’d been sweating for weeks finally asked for my number … and he called me that same night, the next night, the next night…. killed my interest. And he wanted to chat a long time, too. There’s no seduction with someone giving you the whole kit and caboodle right away. 🙂
What a host an excellent ideas! Allie, definitely the intermittent reward of keeping in touch was part of it. Initially, we couldn’t get enough of each other. We talked every day for hours at a time. He was always the one to reach out. Then afterward, when he didn’t want a relationship, we continued to stay in touch.
I was trying to bring it down to the level of friendship. But he would say things from time to time. He would tell me that he was on “my” side of the bed. One morning, he called me and he told me that when he was down, he would remember how much I cared about him. Right before I cut off contact, we were having a conversation. It was one of those great talks and he told me he loved me.
Whenever he said things like that, I told him it wasn’t fair because things weren’t balanced between us. I always figured time would curb my feelings.
Scharn, You’re probably right about the fortunate aspect of not knowing about my Limerence. But I know now and he is poison to me. And I have to be on the look out for anyone as toxic.
Marsha and Thomas, instant access and definitely social media keeps us in touch with someone that we would normally have said goodbye to and not seen again. My LO was in a social media group, and there were three or four other groups connected to it. I would try to avoid him in one and he would show up in another one. Or, I would leave one and someone would discuss him in a third. I had to leave them all to get away.
@Beth. My heart goes out to you. From the sound of things, you didn’t really do anything wrong e.g. you weren’t bothering someone who wasn’t interested. This man was encouraging your emotional engagement – up to a point. But it sounds like the involvement was always on his terms, which wasn’t/isn’t fair to you.
You say this is the only LE you’ve had in life? You must feel like you got caught in a tornado! The addictive component of limerence is really hard to understand. There are so many attractive, interesting people in the world. Why do we get hung up on only one (LO)?
“Similar to how the “intermittent reward” from slot machines is deliberately designed to turn anyone into an addicted gambler, your LOs behaviour was designed to turn anyone into an addicted limerent.”
@Allie. If we had some mathematicians at LwL, I wonder if they could tell us what amount of intermittent reward is the ideal amount of intermittent reward to trigger addiction?
For example, does an LO need to give positive emotional reinforcement less than 50% of the time but more than 33% of the time?
I’m thinking someone who is nice to me more than 50% of the time would quickly become a trusted friend. Someone who is nice to me less than 33% of the time would probably remain an acquaintance. Does an LO come along and “exploit” the murky place between?
It’s certainly an interesting theory – an equation to predict addiction!
” … he called me that same night, the next night, the next night…. killed my interest. And he wanted to chat a long time, too. There’s no seduction with someone giving you the whole kit and caboodle right away. 🙂”
@Marcia. Here’s a slightly oddball thought. Let’s say, for the sake of argument, some guy or girl became limerent for me and I was 100% uninterested in the interaction. Of course, the ethical thing to do would be to flat-out tell them. “No thanks. Please go away.”
However, many people struggle to be direct. (They think directness is rude). If I wanted to end this person’s limerence for me, without spelling it out, should I just drown them in never-ending kindness and emotional availability? Would they immediately lose interest and back off?
This is only a hypothetical situation. I think being super-attentive to a limerent in real life could backfire badly and inflame their pain. But in the world of theoretical possibilities, it should work!! They should conclude I’m “not enough of a challenge” and feel bored.
Hi Sammy,
“Of course, the ethical thing to do would be to flat-out tell them. “No thanks. Please go away.”
Well, you don’t have to be that mean! When someone asks me out and I don’t want to go, I simply say, “Thank you for asking, but I don’t care to go.” I had a friend who used to say, “I’m not dating right now. ” That was way too vague. Some guys thought she may be dating in the future, but you and I know she really meant, “I’m not dating YOU.”
“If I wanted to end this person’s limerence for me, without spelling it out, should I just drown them in never-ending kindness and emotional availability? Would they immediately lose interest and back off?”
Depends on the person. I was just watching the Netflix tv series “Stranger Things.” Have you seen it? And the Steve character, who’s about 18, gives advice to a thirteenish friend on how to get girls to like him, “Ignore them.” 🙂
“They should conclude I’m “not enough of a challenge” and feel bored.”
Well, ostensibly. I don’t know if challenge is the right word. It’s having some game. 🙂
Totally!
Wow Dr L so glad to see that you got quoted by the Guardian!! Truly deserved. Well done 👍
I am at a point of hate for my Lo.
Hes becoming mean and bitter, yet i keep speaking to him to get a high. I am stupidly dependent on this man, for crumbs, little responses here and there . If it was someone else i would have blanked him a long time ago!!! Who does he think he is? we havent seen each other for 1 yr thanks to Covid (probably the only good thing of this mess) yet still full of desire for him and constantly asking for his attention. Why ?? Why?!
But mixed messages certainly have kept me hooked. 6 yrs of limerence nearly. I want him out of my system once and for all.
My husband knows that we are texting and im still risking this stupidity God help me
Song of the Day: “Nothin’ At All” – Heart (1986)
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Y2lXKZ9Zksg
This is one of my favorite Heart songs. Heart’s not my favorite group but they’re up there.
God, those two were smoking hot in the late 70s and 80s…
Scharnhorst, I recently rediscovered an old music video from the 80s, and see now that poor Sam had to have been suffering through a full blown LE when he performed this.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3wAm2HAx7i0
I don’t remember this version of “Wild Thing” (1988) but I remember the redhead in it. The Troggs 1966 version was a lot less edgy. 1988 was a busy year for me. In late February, I met my wife. In April, I kicked LO #2 to the curb for good and by December, I was married. 1988 is kind of a blur.
I think it was less limerence than the effects of two “difficult marriages,” an alleged rape of Kinison’s STB wife by his newly hired body guard, and likely fathering a child with the wife of his best friend. (wiki)
He may or may not have been limerent but he was definitely angry.
New readers and commenters also bring more Gravatar privacy headaches!
I’ve now installed a new plugin to convert all avatars to letters. Hope you like the new look… but pity mine defaults to putrid green!
The price of fame….
As a winter, I look best in Navy, burgundy, charcoal grey, and hunter green. With a tan, LO #2 said I rocked a bold pink. But, you can’t go wrong with basic black.
Green happens to be my favorite color. Shade is spot on too.
Oh, yeah. You get a nice classy olive.
Green with envy Dr?
Nicely done 🙂
Maybe he’s not really English and has been stringing us along.
Avatars don’t lie.
Thomas,
Better than being limerent blue 😉
Can we claim a color for the boxes that have the first initial of our first names? As in … can regular posters all get their own signature color? I’d like to claim pink with a leopard-print border. 🙂
Quote of the Day: “If you don’t like bananas, why do you order banana splits?” – my mother (~1960)
When I was a kid, I didn’t like bananas. As an adult, I still don’t like them very much. When my parents were still married, there was a Woolworth’s a few blocks away that had a lunch counter. My mother and I would stop in and have lunch or ice cream.
I’d order a banana split and leave the bananas. My mother picked up on this and asked why I’d order a banana split when I didn’t like bananas. I told her it was the only way to get a 3-scoop sundae with different toppings. My mother said that made a lot of sense. After that, we’d get two spoons and she’d eat the bananas.
What’s the point?
We do a lot of things for a lot of reasons. Sometimes, they don’t make sense to the people around us. Sometimes, they don’t even make sense to us. But, sometimes they do. I like 3-scoop sundaes with different toppings. Ordering a banana split was the way to get it. Wasting a banana was an acceptable trade-off to me.
Maybe the point is that it may not be possible to get exactly what you want without working on it. You may have to shed or trim some of it. Or, you may have to start with something and add to it. But, in the end, you get what you want.
End of ramble.
@Scharn. Thank you for sharing your banana split story with us. For some reason, it was strangely enjoyable to read. Actually, I quite like your mother after reading it. She sounds refreshingly easy-going.
Probably not the point at all, but it’s scary to think how much food is wasted by my generation and people younger than me – we have a whole different mindset.
It’s amazing how after learning about limerence I can understand my past relationships so much better and finally understand some of the decisions I made before. I have been married for a couple of years and last fall I met my LO and he is everything I have always ran away from, but somehow I’m obsessed with him in 2 months I saw him twice and after a little after a month he started distancing himself from me which I didn’t really understand at first but now I can see that he probably saw how attached I was. We went from texting all day to barely talking every couple of days and not because of me but mostly because he wouldn’t engage in conversations anymore. He became very cold and distant. Before he made me feel like we were in love and no matter what we would try to stay together which it sounds crazy because I had just met him but I was leaving in this fantasy that made me feel alive and gave me a rush that I never felt before. At times I thought I was crazy for having all this feelings and not being able to control them I couldn’t understand why I was feeling like that. I was happy and miserable at the same time my anxiety was so bad I started distancing myself from my friends and family. We haven’t really talked much after the new year I’m trying not to contact him I did a couple times but I decided I’m not going to anymore but some days it’s just so hard he is always on my mind I can’t focus on anything I keep fantasying how my life would be with him. I just hope I can get over this and focus on my family and try to forget.