Life is stressful. By the time people reach adulthood, they have generally developed a suite of methods for coping with stress, avoiding stress, or reducing stress. Some of these coping strategies are healthy, in that they increase our resilience, or help us to recognise people or situations that should be avoided as they add little benefit to our lives. Other strategies are less healthy, generally because they mask the symptoms of stress without addressing the cause or, through stubbornness, allow us to tolerate a stressful situation beyond the point of usefulness.
The classic example here would be self-medication with alcohol, marijuana, tobacco, or any other drug of choice that sedates or stimulates enough to make the unbearable bearable. This sort of strategy can work for a while – that’s why so many people resort to it, after all – but leads inevitably to a larger problem in the long term.
For many limerents, indulging in limerent reverie fits this kind of a stress-relief strategy. The good feels of a nice fantasy about LO declaring their mutual love, nicely counterbalances the bad feels created by a stressful life. It’s not a sedative like alcohol, it’s a mental and emotional distraction – an escapist fantasy that makes you feel warm and happy rather than weary and depressed. But it is, of course, an evasion.
Now, there’s nothing wrong with seeking solace from stress. I’m all for escapism, and it’s no wonder the entertainment industry is so enormous and so valuable. The art is in finding sources of pleasurable relief from stress that help in the long term, rather than giving in to cravings that reinforce addictive behaviour. So what are the clues? How can useful escapism be distinguished from unhealthy escapism, and where does limerence fit in?
1) Avoiding cognitive strain
One useful way of distinguishing the different types of escapism is to spot one of the key “tells” – the moment when you act before you consciously realise what you are doing. This is when you sit down at your computer to start on an onerous job, and without being aware of making any decision about it, you find yourself scrolling through facebook or twitter. You know the report has to be finished by tomorrow, but you are instead daydreaming about LO and how nice it would be to find the perfect way of telling them you think they are wonderful, while still somehow remaining on the right side of propriety.
This is classic “cognitive strain” avoidance. Concentrating on difficult and important work (especially if doing it badly would have consequences for your career) is intimidating, and so your simple-minded subconscious decides to indulge in a dopamine-releasing habit instead. You avoid the Big Thing you know you should confront, by falling back into well-worn patterns of behaviour that give a psychological sugar rush.
2) Supernormal stimuli
Another good indicator that stress relieving strategies are unhealthy is if they involve supernormal stimuli. The idea here is that there are ways to provide an exaggerated version of a normal stimulus in a way that causes a supercharged response. Classic examples are junk food (packed with salt and sugar to give a concentrated oral reward), and pornography (display of improbably athletic and provocative sexual activity). Many people can manage to use these stimuli with relative restraint, but plenty of others seek them as comforting diversions, only to find that they end up becoming compulsive behaviours.
Again, limerence could fit this category. There are lots of potential mates in the world, many of them attractive, but LO provokes a hugely exaggerated emotional response that can become addictive and compulsive. LOs could be viewed as a supernormal romantic stimulus.
3) The trough on the far side of the peak
A final indicator that coping strategies are harmful is how you feel after indulging in them. If you stay up late watching a great film, or reading a great book, you may regret it the next day as you struggle to function on too little sleep, but that doesn’t compare to the guilty fug that follows overindulgence in an undesirable habit. There’s a better part of ourselves that is disgusted by a night of twitter feuding, or an erotica binge, or hours of limerent reverie that have kept us from meaningful work and purposeful action.
Your subconscious brain is really crap at distinguishing stuff that feels good but is bad, from stuff that feels good and is good. It’s the “executive” part of the brain that can foresee bad consequences, toxic patterns, and worthwhile sacrifices that will form a better future. But, metaphorically speaking, the subconscious is halfway round the world before the executive has got its boots on, and we often act before we think, when seeking to banish discomfort.
All this means that we need to be vigilant about the long term effects of using limerence for stress relief. If rumination about LO is your go-to distractor when stressed or anxious, but afterwards you feel depressed or disgusted with yourself, then it’s a pretty strong indicator that limerence is no longer an effective stress relieving strategy. It has instead become actively destructive and, ironically, a source of long-term stress.
Be wary of the false comforts of limerence. Look to healthier coping strategies for life’s inevitable stresses.
Scharnhorst says
A readhead…what a coincidence!
drlimerence says
Probably not a natural redhead, but I did think of you!
Scharnhorst says
LO #4 claimed to be a natural redhead but I can’t verify that. LO #2 definitely was.
Landry says
Well, there’s only one way to verify if the ginger is real. š
Lee says
Not necessarily. The collar doesn’t always match the cuffs.
Landry says
Well…Iāve been a natural redhead my entire life. The curtains certainly do match the carpet, as we say. And Iāve never met a real redheadās whose didnāt.
Snowflake says
But she’s so unattractive. The whole couple is trashy looking.
EA says
You have great insight. What does one do when thereās no escape from one or other destructive addictive skewer? The only escape I can see now is total destruction.
drlimerence says
Hi EA,
Total destruction is not a good solution. For limerence specifically, there’s lots here on ways to help turn around the tanker before it finally hits the rocks – but to keep going with the metaphor, it is a slow and deliberate process. If you haven’t already downloaded it, I’ve written a free guide on how to “Take Control” which has all the key ideas.
If addiction is a generally destructive force in your life, then limerence may only be one manifestation. I would urge you to seek help, from friends, family and professionals. There are many choices better than self-destruct.
Good luck, and best wishes,
Dr L
Irene says
Dr.L,
You are simply amazing. We might be twins, separated at birth. Except, you have the healthy genes. Update on my situation, readers please be kind in your response. Iām posting because itās very appropriate for this segment. This particular post is very helpful to me.
This past weekend was very stressful. In two weeks, properties taxes, association fees, and school tuitions are all due. Iām stressed about the financials. Itās also the the expensive holiday season. My husband was admitted this last Saturday for a gallstone that has completely obstructed his hepatic ducts. Heās in an enormous amount of pain. All ends well after an emergency ERCP to remove the stone.
My SO is very strong and independent. He feels vulnerable in the hospital. Iām his nurse during his hospitalization. He never asked me to stay overnight, but itās in his eyes. The long night is spent in the dark, sitting at his bedside in a uncomfortable hospital chair. The medical deductible is $5,000. More stress. Iām grateful that heās alive and well. I truly love and cherish this man.
Like an infant needing her pacifier, I retreat to ruminating about LO. Itās numbs the stress and anxiety. Next morning, my husband is discharge home. Iām left feeling guilty and soiled. I am truly disgusted and disappointed with myself. Monday night, I drag myself to Confession and cry my heart out in front of the priest.
This is an extremely unhealthy addiction with me. I downloaded the free booklet on āMastering Limerence.ā It will have to be a New Year resolution to follow the 10 steps. Like an addict! Wish me Luck.
Wishing you and everyone on this blog a very Merry Christmas and Happy New Year!
Scharnhorst says
Are you confusing guilt and remorse?
https://www.huffingtonpost.com/entry/guilt-vs-remorse_us_59db68c7e4b0705dc79aa99d
From what you said, remorse seems more appropriate.
Guilt is often not a good thing but remorse can be. Guilt can be instilled (e.g., by a priest) but remorse only comes from within.
Keep plugging!
Lee says
I hope he makes a full and uneventful recovery. Good luck with your 2019 course of action.
drlimerence says
Sorry to hear what you and SO have been going through, Irene.
I would say, though, that you are being quite hard on yourself! You were there for SO when he needed you, you are carrying your responsibilities through difficult times, and you have acted with integrity. We can’t always control our thoughts in the heat of the moment, but you are learning from the experience and using the remorse constructively to plan a better future.
I am a strong believer that we have absolute freedom in our thoughts and inner world, and as long as we don’t act on them, no harm comes to other people. Disgust and regret can be useful indicators that our thinking is conflicting with our principles, but good can be salvaged from it, if you use them to motivate yourself to the right behaviour. “Shameful thoughts” are a part of being human – so forgive yourself some frailty and try to care for yourself as well as you have for your SO.
Hope you have a great Christmas and 2019 too.
Captain Biggles says
I just saw the person that my LO has begun dating, and it has been a shattering experience to say the least. Under the guise of work, I came back to this site to get me through the depression. Would be great if you could write an article on coping strategies when you do meet the LO’s SO.
Just for context, the LO and I work out of the same space, so this is not going to be an easy one to overcome. Thank you for the amazing work you’re doing with this blog btw, it has helped me retain my sanity.
drlimerence says
Sorry to hear that, Captain, but glad the site is helping.
I wrote a post a while ago about jealousy, but this is an important new angle – how to manage the emotional blow of seeing LO with someone else. It’s a good one, so I’ll think about it a bit and put together a post.
Updated to add: link to new post.
Scharnhorst says
It can be “shattering.”
I never met any of my successors. But, I distinctly remember my reaction when LO #2 told me she’d spent the weekend with her roommate’s brother. It felt like someone kicked me in the stomach. I thought I was going to throw up but then, suddenly, a wave of utter calm came over me. It was like someone had given me a shot of Demerol. I didn’t understand it until I read this.
“A person is trapped in a burning building. Everything indicates he is going to die a horrible death. There is no escape. Arousal is off the scales, fear is pumping, and suddenly a remarkable calm takes over. The person is calm, time seems to slow down, there is no pain, and a comforting sense of acceptance of his fate occurs. In this hypothetical example, the mechanisms of dissociation and emotional detachment have intervened and prevented panic.” – “A Clinical Model for the Comprehensive Treatment of Trauma Using an Affect Experiencing-Attachment Theory Approach,” Robert J. Neborsky
What I had was a trauma response. What was remarkable and I remember it at the time, was that I wasn’t in the least bit jealous. It was over. She’d moved on. It turned out she hadn’t but I wouldn’t learn that for another few months. I know what jealously feels like and I didn’t have it. I do wonder what LO #2 sees in her current BF that allowed her to trust him when she didn’t trust me but maybe she doesn’t.
Lee says
“I do wonder what LO #2 sees in her current BF that allowed her to trust him when she didnāt trust me but maybe she doesnāt.”
Were you married or seeing someone seriously at the time yourself? If so, that may explain why she didn’t trust you. If not, who knows and why does it matter?
Scharnhorst says
Why does it matter?
As an actionable item, it doesn’t matter. But, you don’t forget someone you asked to marry you. There was a time I thought I’d be at this point of my life with her. I think a part of me may always wish we’d had a different outcome.
After we broke up, she told me, “I can’t control you. You don’t need me. You were only with me because you wanted to be. There was nothing to bind you to me. I was afraid you’d wake up one day and not want to be with me. If I gave myself to you and you left, I’d be devastated…You did everything I ever asked of you. The harder you tried the more I resented you for it. I made things so hard for you.”
I’ll take that to my grave. I’m curious as to why she could trust another man when she didn’t trust me. The therapist was able to diminish that thought but she wasn’t able to kill it.
Captain Biggles says
Thanks DrL,
I just read the post on jealousy. Great post as usual and so glad to have this perspective. As Scharnhorst put it, seeing the LO with her new partner was a right royal kick in the gut. Thankfully there’s quite a long break before we all get back to work, so I’m having enough time to focus on other things in my life. Still, that vision of the LO with the partner is not an easy one to shake off and it keeps pulling me down. Thanks again for all the work.
Scharnhorst says
So, last night I logged into FB from my home desktop to try to fix and error auto-correct had made in a reply I’d made to my mother-in-law. Apparently, you can’t fix those.
It’s been pretty stressful around the house so I thought, “What the hell..?” and looked at LO#4’s page. It showed she’d made some YouTube videos so I popped over there. From what I saw, she’s running true to form. What caught my attention was that in the last 4 videos, she’s wearing a necklace that I hadn’t seen before.
My first thought was she has a BF and is showing it off. I did a quick dive through some things but didn’t find anything. Where did that come from? Why do I care? All the while, part of me is thinking, “Why are you doing this? Nothing’s changed.” It wasn’t brinksmanship. I wasn’t trying to manage limerence. And, unlike the last time I mini-relapsed, I didn’t have any bad dreams.
When I was working with the therapist on LO #2, she said I was a slow learner. She said I had all the evidence I needed but I let LO #2 come back. I asked how would I know LO#2 hadn’t changed until she proved she hadn’t? The therapist said that was a fair point but I also knew the pain that was waiting for me if she hadn’t and her trend line wasn’t good. I told her I’d raised the bar on LO#2 each time. The therapist’s comeback, “And, how well did that work for you?”
I don’t feel any pain when I relapse with LO #4 but I’m finding that relapsing doesn’t do much for me anymore. It’s no longer providing the distraction it did. Maybe that’s the lesson the cosmos is trying to teach me. Even if my marriage ended this afternoon, I can’t erase the last 35 years. There is no “fairy tale ending.”
Which brings me back to the question, “If you know there’s no fairy-tale ending and it’s not doing anything for you, why do you keep doing it?” As LO #4 once said to me in response to something I’d said, “Old habits die hard.”
Lee says
“What caught my attention was that in the last 4 videos, sheās wearing a necklace that I hadnāt seen before.
My first thought was she has a BF and is showing it off. I did a quick dive through some things but didnāt find anything. Where did that come from? Why do I care? All the while, part of me is thinking, āWhy are you doing this? Nothingās changed.ā
Sounds risky to me. What if you had gone down the rabbit hole – you can still get lost in those warrens.
Scharnhorst says
I agree.
I thought the embers had died out but apparently there are a few left. I didn’t even watch the videos. If you watched her videos, it’s like watching a newscast. She’s a talking head.
I think I’m 80/20 or better. 80% of the time, it’s not a problem. Catch me at the wrong time, and I’ll do a social media drive-by. I do it less frequently and I get less out of it. Eventually, I think it will die off entirely.
– I’m still NC
– We had definite goodbyes
– There’s no “unfinished business”
– I don’t feel attached anymore (Score one for therapy!)
– I’m not looking for trouble
Lee says
Fingers crossed that it withers away.
Anxious_Soul says
You are so observant. Are you an engineer ? š
Scharnhorst says
BSEE
BTW: That post is the last time I looked at LO #4 on social media.
Scharnhorst says
Since we don’t have a forum to go off topic on, I’ll ask the questions here.
Does “Limerence in the Time of Plague” help your stress, make it worse, or have no effect on it? Conversely, is what going on in the world intensifying your limerence or decreasing it? Do you think about your LO while trying to figure out where you’re going to score your next roll of toilet paper? [A clerk from the UK told me that toilet paper hoarding wasn’t a problem for her. According to her, her mother told her that toilet paper was rationed in Britain until 1955 and there’s still a whole wall of it in her parents’ cellar.]
For me, I found myself thinking about my XLOs more but in the context of finances and risk. LO #2 is/was a nurse and has/had an elderly mother. Her husband is/was an airline pilot. Those are two high risk professions. Her folks had a lot of money when I was dating her. She has an OK paying job but she’s not pulling down big bucks. LO #4 is self-employed and operates her business from her home. Based on what she told me, she’s pulling down $80-100K/yr gross. When she left her BF, she said it almost wiped her out financially. I wonder how they’re faring.
I don’t know why I’m curious but I kind of am.
drlimerence says
I’ve been ruminating on this today, too. Stimulated in part by writing tomorrow’s blog post all about LOs, but there is a good chance that the topic came to mind because I’ve been primed by stressful world events.
Daily life is definitely getting more disrupted. I have noticed that I can bring LO to mind more easily at the moment, although it is the LO of my idealised memory, not the actual human woman…
Vincent says
Weāve all been sent home from the office to work from home. Today was day 3 and boredom has started to set in. I havenāt necessarily found myself thinking about LO more but it has led to a lot of DMāing with the possible transference candidate at work. Sheās quite similar to LO in some ways and there is some glimmer there and interest from her side I think. Both of us bored at home, lots of time to develop a text based relationship over the coming weeks or even months… Iāve been pretty restrained up until now, but it kicked up a notch today (sparked by her but me reciprocating). Something I need to be very mindful of…
Emma says
Scharnhorst, the stressful world events don’t seem to intensify my limerence nor decrease it. What has a huge impact on my limerence are moments of tensions/conflict with my SO, and when I have a low mood. My day dreaming is about “escaping” more than really stress relief.
Emma says
The virus pandemia has caused forced NC, because all our activities are cancelled. That’s making me very sad at the moment, craving LO… I feel empty and useless.
Lee-Anne says
Scharnhorst, good question. The current virus situation has kicked up my ruminations again, this time I’ve incorporated the toilet paper shortage in my various day dreaming montages.
I am at the shops, it’s mayhem, old lady gets hurt in stampede trying to score toilet paper, I save her, take her to coffee and share my pack of Kleenex extra soft 3 ply rolls, I find out it’s LOs mum – surprise !
For the most part I wonder how he’s going, does he need extra toilet paper? Is he thinking of me (probably not), I haven’t seen hide or hair of him since the Wednesday before last. I am also annoyed because it looks like we will probably go into full lockdown soon, coupled with Easter break and it means 4 weeks of absolutely N/C. I don’t like that I don’t have control over the N/C, it’s getting on my OCD nerves, more so than the toilet paper shortage.
By the way, we are now short of everything, salt, sugar, flour, pasta, anything canned, anything noodle orientated, tissues, toilet paper, bottled water etc
Shelves are empty at all our super markets and we are only allowed to buy two items of each.
ParadoxHighway says
Lee-Anne, the odds of you running into your LO’s mom are insanely high, right. So, is it possible you unconsciously put yourself where you might find her? I might do something like that!
Lee-Anne says
No Paradox, she lives several suburbs away and is unlikely to cross my path as she’s old and frail. Besides I am avoiding the mall that I know LO frequents, haven’t been there for about 5 months, but clearly it’s on my mind š
Janesays says
Iāve seen a slight uptick in thinking of LO- partly because I wondered if this would have an effect… but also really pondering what this would all look like if things would have gone differently. What if Iād lost or chosen to pursue this LE as if it were the next step in my life? Truly I donāt think that would have happened- but itās a sobering thought.
I have lessening- gradually- cravings for sneaky fizz hits, which Iām grateful for.
In our EA, I used to say that we both knew that if something huge happened with our SOās or families that we both knew weād drop this whole thing and attend to it; i like to insert a dose of pragmatism into my delusions I guess:/
and maybe it made me feel like even though I knew I was doing the wrong thing that I could sooth myself into believing that ultimately Iād do the right thing. It makes me sad.
Right now Iām just feeling very very grateful that I am where I am- at home with my SO and my family. In the clear, light of truth and serving the people around me rather than myself. I credit this place for a part of that.
drlimerence says
There are psychological riches in this idea, I’m sure. It’s like you know at a rational level that it’s all crazy, but you kind of enjoy indulging the irrationality, as though it sort of affirms the extraordinary nature of the experience. But acknowledging the truth is also more evidence that you know you know, and you know you shouldn’t be doing it.
Hmm. Trying to capture that idea ended up being like trying to catch a slippery fish…
Janesays says
At the time I took it as a sign of lucidity- now I see it as a clear example of insanity.
Then: I am clearheaded and willing to let go. This is manageable. No one will be harmed if I control it properly.
Now: I was totally stuck, unwilling to let go and addicted. This has caused harm and the harm was inevitable.
ParadoxHighway says
When i can feel joy without thinking about my LO, which is only about 40% of the time, I’m clearheaded and can put it all maturely in perspective, as if I was a world-class therapist like Dr. L.
When I am overrun with thinking about my LO, the remaining 60%, after a while it turns to pain, and then I’m merely an addict. Hi, I’m Paradox, and I’m limerent.
(and the room says, “Hi Paradox!”)
Mia says
Beautifully put Janesays and Paradox, it feels like a war in my head, thinking this and 5 seconds after thinking the exact opposite.
The addiction is screaming and raging louder now I’m 3 weeks in NC. Especially because I ended things due to not being able to handle LE
We are both single he really likes me the door is wide open.
Why not take the risk, yeah you can get hurt but you are already in pain, it can’t get worse anyway. LO is a really nice guy (he is) And maybe it will work out, even though he lives in another country and I have kids. Yeah, that’s my addiction talking , I know why I went NC. Because it’s not healthy to spent 24-7 obsessing over someone who I met 4 times, for who I will abandon myself for ajusting myself to what I think he wants me to be. For denying reality that this is not meant to be that we dont even match. For wrecking my body due to no sleep.
That’s far from healthy.
That’s why I went NC.
Remind
Remind
Remind
Chicster says
Having bad day in my good progress to freedom and decided to write down my triggers which lead to sadness and disappointment that LO cannot be a stress reliever anymore:
1. Boredom!! Especially driving or parenting when Iām by myself as the only adult.
2. Deadlines/pressures that seem impossible to meet.
3. Feeling overwhelmed/buried in massive amounts of things that must be done.
These are the things that help distract me temporarily from ruminations:
1. Feeling in balance with food and activity level
2. Steady productivity
3. Entertaining/amusing adult social interaction
4. A good nightās sleep
5. My new perfume I bought for ME
6. Lady Gaga YouTube Music Radio.
7. Really good coffee
What to do when List #1 is fully active and List #2 is suffering intensely??
As Mia would say, maybe I can accept today for what it isāa hard dayāeat the piece of pizza and diet soda, take a nap, and try again tomorrow. Anyone want to take a nap with me?? Oh! I forgot one other trigger….lonlieness.