Jealousy

Post stimulated by comment by Sharnhorst. Thanks Sharnhorst!

Is jealousy an inevitable part of limerence? I may be wrong, but to me limerence without the desire for exclusivity seems to be a contradiction in terms. The sense of “special connection” is so powerful and so central a feature of limerence, that the idea of your LO being with another partner brings a particularly exquisite stab of pain. This fits with the notion of limerence as a mechanism for pair bonding: the prospect of losing the bond triggers severe distress.

But as with all things human, it’s complicated. For those of us who’ve been through a few limerence cycles, the experience can be surprisingly different with different LOs. Jealousy is a product of multiple factors: anger, insecurity, control issues, sexual jealousy, fear, low self-esteem, and – sometimes – accurately recognising that your partner is a lying, inconstant son-or-daughter-of-a-bitch. How different factors intersect will likely determine your emotional response, and how severe the jealousy provoked by LO being flirty with others is. For example:

1) Where you are in the limerence cycle.

Early or late in the progression of limerence, it is likely that you could cope with ambivalence from LO with more equanimity. In the early stages, you’re probably busy idealising them, and so even their flirting with other people can be framed as evidence of their special sensitivity or need for love. Towards the end, you are probably emerging from the madness and able to be more high-minded about LO showing interest in others. But in the midst of limerence, once you have become addicted and uncertainty is heightening your craving, you are likely to suffer most. You’re emotionally captured, dependent on their company, but not yet sure that they feel the same way. You’ve had enough reciprocation to be sure there is something going on, and you hope against hope that it’s the real thing, but there’s enough anxiety to keep you on high alert for threats to the cementing of the emotional bond. At that point the thought of losing LO to another partner is awful.

2) Where they are in the limerence cycle.

In the case of mutual limerence, another complicating factor is LO’s relative progression through the cycle. If they are coming out of the euphoria stage faster than you, then they will probably start to set off your limerence radar by cooling off, and being more open to other people in the world. This is likely to set you back, and escalate your limerence jealousy. Time was (when they were limerent for you) they would have loved the fact you were jealous, as it would have been sweet, sweet confirmation of your commitment to them. But now – what a drag.

3) Where you are in life.

All of the preceding arguments are about susceptibility to jealousy. The actual, full on, green-eyed monster expression of jealousy is, like all behaviour, within our control. A major factor in how jealous you feel is going to be how purposefully you live your life. As a young man I was prone to jealousy – anger, humiliation, revenge fantasies, the usual package. I’ve mellowed. A lot of jealousy stems of course from personal insecurity; anxiety about how attractive you are and whether you can “win” the attentions of LO and make them want to stay with you. The jealousy comes from fear of losing them. Maturity makes you realise you can’t “lose” someone any more than you can own someone. It will sting like a bastard, but if they’re not as committed as you, it is very much in your interest to learn that. Rather than try and dance prettily, or contort yourself into accommodating knots, in a desperate attempt to somehow impress someone into being limerent for you, you can make a conscious decision about whether you are OK with it, or whether it’s time to move on. Ultimately, it’s way more humiliating to try and cajole someone into wanting you, than to “lose” in some imagined romantic competition.

4) The intensity of the situation in which you find out.

It’s one thing to hear from a friend of a friend that LO hooked up with someone else. It’s another to see their engagement photos on Facebook. It’s still worse to have them messing around in front of you, after you and they just had a heart-to-heart.

lovers-1468523_640_resized

I’m so glad I helped you overcome your fear of intimacy. What a pretty sunset.

What I’m saying is context matters. When it comes to discovery of LO’s romantic interest in others, ambushed and unprepared is likely to be much harsher to cope with than a rumour, three steps removed.

Pain when seeing LO is with other potential partners seems a certainty when limerent. How you respond to that pain is the determinant of whether it leads to jealousy. Self-awareness can allow acceptance of the feelings of jealousy, but suppression of the anger and negative behaviour that could be provoked. Instead, use it as a good intuitive yardstick for assessing LOs suitability as a genuine, life partner. If you are irrationally jealous, you can learn to mentally override the anger and explore your trust issues (perhaps with a therapist). But sometimes, jealousy is telling you that something is up, that LO is not as committed as you, and that you need to moderate your limerence before you suffer further pain. A good use of those sickening feelings of jealousy, is to use them to reprogram your subconscious mind and break the “LO = pleasure” connection. “LO = pain” is a useful new connection to help you overcome the addiction and move on to a more purposeful life.

 

One thought on “Jealousy

  1. I also think one factor that may influence the response is what do you really want out of it. When I was a kid, my father told me, “Never play a game that you don’t want to win.” At the time, it made no sense to me. Why would anybody play a game they don’t want to win.

    Limerence put a whole new spin on it. With LO #1, I wasn’t looking for anything beyond a FWB relationship. I blame Oxytocin but I became invested in her. He BF was an impediment to my happiness. He was directly between me and her. The fact that she was unsuitable notwithstanding, he had his hands on the woman I loved. To quote D’Artagnan in the 1973 version of “The 3 Musketeers,” “That man is inconvenient!”

    With LO #2, the relationship had run its course although I was holding out hope for reconciliation. I learned my reaction was a trauma response to learning that was unlikely. I had been in that one to win.

    With LO #4, the LE was an unintended consequence. I wasn’t looking for trouble but I still found it. The conditions were conducive and I ended up in an LE. But, since I never wanted things to really go anywhere, I think envy replaced jealousy. That guy had something she liked and I thought I wished I had it. Only I really didn’t. Since I wasn’t available in the first place, it didn’t really make any difference. You really can’t begrudge someone for winning a game you’re not even playing.

    LO #4 contributed to my happiness but not in her capacity as an LO. Becoming an LO is what destroyed the acquaintance and she wasn’t responsible for that. She was who she was and I took that and ran with it.

    Purposeful living can really get in the way, sometime.

    As for, “Ultimately, it’s way more humiliating to try and cajole someone into wanting you, than to “lose” in some imagined romantic competition.” The Temptations would have you believe otherwise.

    Like

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