I receive a lot of emails from limerents and partners of limerents who are embroiled in the emotional wreckage of an affair. A common lament is that the personality of the cheater seems to have changed – they are not the man or woman that they used to be.
The limerent affair seems to have caused a dramatic change in their attitudes, beliefs and behaviour and, naturally enough, the betrayed partner wonders if the limerent is suffering from a mental disorder. They wonder whether limerence is some sort of delusional break that caused the affair to happen. Maybe their partner is not in their right mind?
Limerence is certainly a factor in many affairs, but it is not the cause. The real cause lies deeper – in what makes someone psychologically vulnerable in the first place. If we can answer the question “what caused the limerence?” we should also be able to answer the question “what caused the affair?”
Before we start on that deeper excavation, though, it’s worth directly confronting the issue of why a limerent cheater appears to have undergone a personality transplant.
Limerence changes the way we think
Limerence is an altered mental state. The neuroscience behind it leads to changes in cognition – we genuinely think differently when caught in a state of high arousal. The hyper-reward of LO contact becomes a primary motivational drive, and that changes our priorities. The commonest consequence of this experience is to retrofit our life narrative to rationalise why we are giving in to our subconscious impulses. That fosters the selective blindness, rewriting of history, and terrible judgement of “affair fog“.
It is not a complete illusion. Limerents are perceiving the world through new filters when high on the natural drug of limerence.
Limerence changes the way we feel
Ordinary life is not usually characterised by bouts of thrilling exhilaration and crushing insecurity. Limerence destabilises mood to a dramatic extent. Emotional turmoil is hard to cope with, and many people seek to cope with it by escaping. They flee the sources of discomfort that are so upsetting. Unfortunately, given the nature of limerent affairs, the simple-minded calculation is this: when I am with LO I feel high, when I am with SO I feel guilty and ashamed.
Conclusion: reorganise life to avoid SO and seek LO.
Once limerence has become established, we will have to ride this storm of altered thoughts and emotions. But, as I argued at the outset, the more pertinent question is why was the limerent vulnerable in the first place? Answering that question will really reveal the basis of an affair. And this analysis has to happen at two levels: why were they vulnerable to LO’s appeal, and why did they react to the onset of limerence by giving in and embracing infidelity?
Psychological vulnerability
We all of us have weaknesses. All the aggregated disappointments, traumas, insults, and humiliations that life supplies in vulgar excess shape our insecurities. Similarly, the social milieu in which we grow up shapes the LOs that we respond most powerfully to. The wrong combination of circumstances can then set us up for limerence – meeting an LO that fires up our limerence circuits at a time when we have unmet needs and unexamined vulnerabilities catches us out.
Maybe you have always been insecure about your physical appeal, and here comes a love-bombing LO. Maybe you feel adrift in life, and here comes an LO who offers direction and security. Maybe you regret your marriage. Maybe your spouse is abusive. Maybe you have neglected your relationship for too long. Maybe you crave novelty.
There are lots of reasons why you might be vulnerable. But it is important to figure out the cause if you want to take control.
Predatory LOs
Another possibility that should not be dismissed is that LO knows exactly what they are doing. There are players who deliberately cultivate limerence in others, because they like the ego validation. These charmers will be expert at spotting your vulnerabilities and playing to them.
Another form of temptation might be the one night stand. An LO who is actually just up for some illicit sex, but ends up becoming a source of obsession for you. The “moment of madness” leads to an ongoing affair that builds up a pile of future damage.
A lack of purpose
All of these factors may be in play. A predatory LO may have identified your psychological vulnerabilities and exploited them until you gave in.
But… you did give in.
Why can some people resist temptation and others not? A big part of the reason is a lack of purpose. Drifting through life is an invitation to allow other people to determine your fate. When your life is passive, events surprise you. Your psychological vulnerabilities remain unexamined. Your choices seem almost a mystery to yourself. You may feel strong impulses or desires, but not understand where they come from or how to manage them.
That sort of life is the perfect set up for an affair. Someone new and exciting who can help you escape a stifling routine, or go back in time, or reinvent yourself, or rediscover the thrill of romantic novelty. It’s not until later that the cost comes due and the scale of the harm you cause is clear.
The way to avoid this trap is to focus on living with more purpose. There’s an article on this principle here. The reason it is so powerful, is that your life becomes a project that you take charge of. You spend time really thinking about what kind of life you want, what kind of person you want to be; what you might be capable of, if you apply yourself fully to realising that goal.
People with a clear sense of purpose are less likely to be vulnerable to sudden shocks like limerence. They will be more self-aware and more reflective. If a new, delightful, exhilarating person dances into their lives, they notice. And they notice that they’ve noticed. Rather than simply responding instinctively, purposeful people take heed of how their emotions are influencing them. They are clear-sighted about what they want, and aware when their subconscious drives are rocking the boat.
That doesn’t mean they are immune – it just means that when the limerence starts to stir, they don’t let it lead them along by the nose. When limerence runs counter to their purpose, they resist. They feel the temptation, but care more about their true goal than the false promise of the siren song. And it’s a lot easier to resist before your mind is turning somersaults in a state of romantic intoxication.
Limerence contributes to affairs, but the chance of succumbing is decided long before it begins. Socrates said the unexamined life is not worth living; part of the reason why is because it makes you the victim of circumstances, rather than the captain of your own fate.
I love this idea of taking responsibility for our own actions.
We must stop waiting for life to direct us… instead we must be the captains of our own hearts!
https://youtu.be/lBlx1JffMQ4
Great article as always DrL! When we are fully awake, there are so many moments of choice that lead us to wherever we end up in life.
My life was purposeful and happy before limerence struck. I was happy with myself and my marriage, in control, and not really needing or looking for anything. My only small vulnerability was a long suppressed desire to taste a flavour other than the same vanilla that I have been limited to for the last 17 years. I had accepted that compromise as it is the nature of long relationships. I am not convinced there is any advance preparation that would have prevented my current LE. Thus scenario with this person was always going to trigger me.
“Ordinary life is not usually characterised by bouts of thrilling exhilaration and crushing insecurity.”
Something always good to remember…
“We all of us have weaknesses. All the aggregated disappointments, traumas, insults, and humiliations that life supplies in vulgar excess shape our insecurities.”
My two favourite lines. And I think the phrase “in vulgar excess” here is a stroke of genius, adding just the right amount of humorous flourish to an otherwise serious reflection.
Hi guys first time posting. I’m in the midst of my second major LE with my sports coach. I have a SO of 19 years who I love dearly. Long story short at the weekend we got very drunk and I told LI I had feelings for him. He said his feelings were platonic but we ended up kissing.
I have confessed to my SO abs while he wasn’t impressed he said he’s not willing to throw away almost 20 years on a kiss and I shouldn’t be either. He’s even ok with me continuing my training though I of course offered to quit. My coach and I have agreed to put it behind us but I feel a terrible whirlwind of feelings. On one hand and most importantly guilt. I’m not the kind of person who does this and I don’t k is how I can ever forgive myself. In the other hand I keep replaying the kiss (what I can remember, could have been multiple), looking for signs he was as in to it as I was.
I don’t know how I possibly get through this, Will I always be the awful wife who kissed another man?
I don’t want to give up the sport I love (it’s quite unusual and there is no other provision for it locally), but I can’t see a way through this. I’m seeing a psychologist on Thursday who specialises in attachment issues. Any advice appreciated x
Let yourself be human. We are our own harshest critics aren’t we? If we said the things that we say to ourselves to others, we’d probably have no friends. I did what you did w a coworker. It started w a kiss too. It actually started way before that w long conversations and developing trust and intimacy. I had no idea what I was getting myself into. I just knew that it felt amazing and that another person that I was desirable felt so good. You’re not an awful wife. Good for you for being honest and seeing a therapist. You are way more self aware at this stage than I was!
Hi Bob thanks for your kind reply.
Yes we’ve been hanging out as friends quite a bit and he’s even met my husband. I don’t think he had any interest in me until I pushed it but I’m pretty sure he kissed me back we were in each others arms in any case. In that moment nothing else in the world mattered.
“ In that moment nothing else in the world mattered.”. So true Alice! Looking back on it, the neurochemicals that they talk about (dopamine, oxytocin, serotonin) must of went off the charts for me. Another person thinks that I’m attractive and wants me too. What a gift this person is! I loved that feeling. You’re in a better place mentally than I was. I loved the feeling of my LE/LO so much that I began to bad -think my spouse and family and change my morals and beliefs in order to make my behavior seem reasonable to myself. Working together kept it going and going.
Bob,
“Another person thinks that I’m attractive and wants me too. What a gift this person is! ”
I’m wondering if you can expand on this a little. I’m not trying to be sarcastic in tone, but in terms of my very flirtatious, married LO, I sometimes wondered if it was me he was flirting with or just some woman who found him appealing. Those are two totally different things. I’m assuming, when someone is in a long-term marriage, there are other people along the way who find you appealing. I’m assuming it’s flattering but ultimately doesn’t mean all that much if it’s someone you don’t find appealing as well. Hopefully just the simple act of someone finding you (universal, married man you) appealing doesn’t loosen the bonds of marriage, or that doesn’t bode well for marriage.
First step, don’t drink around him. Do you think about him more after a few? Do you drink a little when you’re not together because it makes it easier to think about him?
I dated a girl in college who had to have a stiff drink before we had sex. It turned out that’s what she needed to get past cheating on her boyfriend with me. It took her about a double Johnny Walker. She’d feel guilty about it for awhile and then we’d to it again. We eventually worked it out where she got ok with cheating on her boyfriend without booze.
Try to define your goal for therapy in advance. Knowing what you want to achieve going in helps a lot.
Do you want to kill the limerent feelings or merely learn to live with them? Do you think about more than the kiss? Do you imagine yourself waking up next to this guy? Do you see yourself spending time at the holidays with him? Are you looking forward to getting drunk with him again? Do you think about having a little accident and taking it further? Oops!
Play the “Fairy-Tale-Ending” Game. Rather than try to suppress the feelings, run with them and see where they take you. If you could script this anyway you wanted, what would it look like? Write it down.
Once you have the FTE defined, the next question is are you willing to risk your marriage to achieve it?
Once you figure those things out, then you can work on how the guy got inside your head. It could be fairly straightforward or it could take awhile and take you places you had no intention of going.
This is material to discuss with your therapist. If he/she dismisses you, think about finding another one. One of the coolest things about the therapists I worked with was that they were willing to let me run with things rather than try to force me into a box.
Don’t miss the appointment.
Thanks for taking the time to reply, great advice.
I’d like to get to the stage where we can be mates (the gym is pretty social), and where I can enjoy his company in the way I did before the limerence started. Obvs there’s an element of “what if” in there and yes to be honest I’d love to sleep with him that’s a fantasy, but he’s 11 years younger than me / wants kids etc so I know there’s no future there. And I know it’s ridiculous to throw away my entire life for a one night stand, I don’t want to do that (though it could have happened the other night if he’d wanted it to, I can’t say 100% I’d have been able to say no). Again, this is something I’m very ashamed of.
In terms of how he got inside my head that’s interesting. My previous LE was for my previous personal trainer. Something about helping me achieve goals I guess, they represent the physical success that I want myself?
“Don’t drink around him.”
Best advice.
My neighbors and I would get together during parties and after a few, people would start to say things, hugs would get a little longer between men and women. It’s the road to trouble. I’m not saying that you can’t go to a party and be social. You just need to be aware that things tend to get loose when booze comes into play.
And if you are attracted to someone, don’t drink around them. The world gets fuzzier and things seem a little safer. They’re really not.
And don’t rake yourself over the coals. Move on.
I had been unhappy in my marriage for about two years with no resolution in sight. I started an online flirtation with a younger man that I knew from a social media group. Things got pretty heated. I knew then that I had to leave my marriage because I was going to cheat.
I did.
Leave the marriage.*
“You just need to be aware that things tend to get loose when booze comes into play.”
Yeah, probably a lot of us have seen that at neighborhood parties. Your story sounds eerily similar to what my now-divorced Navy buddy told me. It’s even funnier to see who’s hugging/kissing who. “What?!..those two…ewww!”
Pre-Covid, I’d work festivals at a local brewery/winery. They paid volunteers in free food and beer/wine. I’d flirt with women unmercifully since I was behind the bar. It was open season. My wedding ring stayed on the whole time and I’d use my left hand to operate the tap. If they looked, they could see it.
It was interesting to see people change as they drank in the summer heat. Thank heaven for Uber! I was openly propositioned twice by drunk women and a few more maybe propositions. There were 4 teachers in one group that were just a hoot. I called them my new “4 Best Friends.” The one who was the most uptight when she arrived came back later and invited me to join them after I got off my shift. There was another one I had a strong suspicion likely ended up in the backseat of somebody’s car. Somebody could have had a good time that day.
Alcohol may let the djinni out of the bottle but there has to be a djinni in the bottle to start with.
LE,
“I’d flirt with women unmercifully since I was behind the bar. It was open season. My wedding ring stayed on the whole time and I’d use my left hand to operate the tap. If they looked, they could see it.”
Maybe I’m getting old, but as a single woman, I have no interest in flirting with married men. If you asked me five years ago, my answer would have been very different. But now it does nothing for my ego. I think it’s a waste of time. I just look at married or taken men as … kind of dead. I’m sorry. 🙂 Or even available guys who aren’t serious and just killing time. I have lost interest in flaccid flirtation. 🙂
Marcia,
“Maybe I’m getting old, but as a single woman, I have no interest in flirting with married men. If you asked me five years ago, my answer would have been very different…I just look at married or taken men as … kind of dead. I’m sorry.”
Well, I guess I know who won’t be getting a very big sample next festival. For some people, the tap seems to stick open and more comes out. The tap gets really sticky with redheads. I think the iron oxide pigment in their hair somehow causes a magnetic effect on the tap and it’s harder to close. But, I got a “C” in Electromagnetic Field Theory so I may be off on that [that class is where I realized that all “arbitrary units of volume” you integrate thru in textbooks seem to be shaped like kidneys].
Why are you sorry? My guess is most women aren’t interested in flirting with married men. It’s a music festival. My point was people’s behavior can change under the influence.
One woman asked me what I was doing after the festival. I held up my hand and told her I’d have to ask my wife. She blushed so hard, I could feel the heat across the bar. She apologized. I told her there was nothing to apologize for and if I wasn’t married, I’d have taken her up on it.
LE,
“My guess is most women aren’t interested in flirting with married men”
I have seen married guys flirt with just about any woman who will give them some attention, and I just don’t get it. I guess my question is : how much is enough? When I flirted (and I used to be very flirtatious), it did not imply sexual interest. Sometimes, but usually not. And I’ll be honest: I would have given up all that empty attention for one night with my LO. 🙂
Thanks everyone for making me feel so welcome and being open.
The takeaway I’m getting is give me self a break, things happen and I need to pick myself up and move on.
I’m going to the gym in a bit so I’ll see him, I’m terrified it will be awkward or he won’t speak to me, but you reap what you sew I guess and I will have to deal with it.
SO is being amazing, says we’ve got 20 years of happiness and I just need to draw a line and get back to the training I love.
You should be fine.
You haven’t done anything too regrettable and your SO is willing to support you while you get a handle on it. As my EAP counselor put it to me, “Most of clients are really good at getting into trouble and not very good at getting out of it.” You saw the danger and you’re doing something about it before you do something you’ll really regret.
It doesn’t get any better for an attached limerent. You did well.
On a lighter note: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vDsG1Mj6c1M – “On Drunk Texting” – Brooke Alvarez, “The Onion”
Hi Alice,
You’ve had some great advice already, but I’ll add a slightly more cautionary note: try to use this experience as a chance to improve yourself. Your husband is being very patient and understanding, and that is an opportunity to live up to the trust he is placing in you.
There is a danger that the same needy corner of your subconscious that pushed you to kiss your LO will take his patience as licence for you to go further. Your conscience is driving the guilt, your limerence is driving the memories of the kiss. It’s the voice of your conscience that has your best interests in mind.
The problem of continuing to indulge your limerent desires is the risk of more “moments of madness”. Your husband may continue to forgive you through those, but he will also (quite rightly) lose respect for you. That’s a lot harder to come back from.
This is a crux point. Definitely lay off the booze as LE suggests, but also lay off the limerence liquor too. Forgive yourself your weakness, but aspire to be better. Therapy should hopefully help with that kind of personal transformation. Hope it goes well!
Good advice thank you. I can already feel myself consumed with “why doesn’t he want me, why aren’t I good enough” when I should be grateful it didn’t go further and my life be blown apart. It’s the needy bit of my subconscious like you say that wants to think I’m special to him, when I’m really not.
How do I stop going over and over it? I guess if there was an easy answer to that none of us would be here. X
Marcia,
It was b/c of who was complimenting me. She was my secret crush and when I realized her feelings for me, that’s what was so exciting and exhilarating. I was probably at a point too where I was bored in life, hitting mid life, and a little depressed. A perfect storm. No excuses tho. These were bad choices. I finally did the right thing and stopped. Also – I didn’t have someone close to me who was another guy to share these things w me. That makes one even more vulnerable. I finally went to a mental health therapist who wasn’t very helpful but just getting this off my chest was
Bob,
Ah. I think most of us limerents know that feeling well — of having no one we can really talk to. And even when you do, people sometimes can be very dismissive. I’m wondering … was there the same level of exhilaration when you first met your wife? Some posters on here have written about being with SOs who they were never limerent for, and then they meet the LO and if it’s reciprocal, that can be problematic.
it was not the same level of exhilaration with my SO. That was very confusing to me and I misinterpreted that to mean that I was w the wrong person. Thank you for talking about this. It’s so therapeutic to do so. My brain didn’t want to believe that I was better off w my SO. It loved the dopamine too much I now realize
Bob,
The dopamine is delicious. At the beginning of my LE, I could coast on a 10-minute conversation with my LO for days. But if you want to go through something no one can talk to you about, try going through a depression. Nobody wants to talk about that, even if they acknowledge, once you feeling better, that they knew something was wrong — and they did and said nothing. You are on your own.
One of the main ingredients for attraction is ‘Proximity’
Ie. the stranger who exchange smiles with on the bus each morning, the work colleague who takes lunch at the same time or the parent you cross paths with by the school gates each morning.
Proximity is big one. For example, it’s hard to keep bumping into someone on an online dating app, an evening speed dating or a night out. It’s attraction that sounds no alarm but builds over time.
Regular proximity leads to familiarity and when ones interactions with another are often (albeit brief) but exclusively positive, the limerent mind starts to fill in the gaps.
Idealism and rumination set in.
This re occurring stranger becomes a satisfying projection of the ideal partner. An indulgence and escape from the mundane well-worn and predictable life partner.
Barriers and moral integrity should prevent escalation into an affair, just like a lion is safe to approach at a Zoo.
If the thoughts are not converted into actions, consummation is avoided but the tension is routed to the mind, which becomes a battleground with nowhere to vent.
Enjoy the positive exchanges for what they are, even an ego boost, but true contentment lies in a purpose driven life.
This is slowly starting to draw the sting and oh my for years, this has really stung.
Everyone’s journey here is different, but for me, understanding the phycology behind it unveils the mystery and enchantment of what boils down to, unwanted attraction.
Thanks Dr L and all who comment here, you’ve helped me more than you could ever know.
“Enjoy the positive exchanges for what they are, even an ego boost, but true contentment lies in a purpose driven life.”
It’s the truth. It’s when we are rudderless or seeking something, even when we are not sure of what it is, that we fall into limerence.
That’s what happened to me, at least.
I felt as if I had no purpose after I found myself in an empty nest. I have a great career and friends and family, but the children out really left me with no purpose, I felt.
The end of my marriage threw me into depression and then here comes LO. With enough of a glimmer to make things even worse.
Our mind’s amazing ability to elevate our LOs into something special is well…amazing!
The dopamine hit is powerful.
I’ve understood for almost 5 months now why my brain was acting the way it did. Still, I crave it. I crave LO.
He is a toxic person. Selfish, and with many issues. And yet, there’s a part of my brain that hopes that someday I will be in touch with him again. Indeed, long before I knew about limerence, I separated myself from him. Some part of me knew that being near him was unhealthy.
I threw myself into dating. I’ve dated some pretty awesome men. I’ve had some pretty amazing sex. Still, LO is in my mind.
I hope, as some of you have said, that limerence will fade and that I will be content with finding a partner who works for me.
I have had one LO. Maybe a tendency for limerence has always been there but I pushed it away and focused on other things? I’ve wondered that a lot lately.