I got in touch with Tim Tedder over at AffairHealing.com a couple of weeks ago after reading an article of his called But My Affair is Different.
The parallels with limerence and affair fog were so striking that I proposed a guest post, and he agreed. It’s now live, and may be of interest to some folks here too:
https://www.affairhealing.com/blog/neuroscience-of-affair-fog
His affair was over 20 years ago in case anyone was wondering.
I see his book review was discussed; I too am interested in his data. He now appears to be one of too many RIC types who prefer to wave away the mental, physical and fiscal damage cheaters can inflict upon their partners.
In 2012 he wrote that just becauae a marriage CAN become stronger after an affair then it was before didn’t mean it was a good strategy. He compared it to getting in better shape after suffering a heart attack. First, you have to survive it. What has changed between 2012 (that article), 2017 (review) and 2019?
https://www.chumplady.com/2017/06/ubt-cheaters-grace/
If the post below is indeed the truth, then Tim is an unhealthy match for this site. You may want to read it in its entirety. Below is a snippet.
“June 26, 2017 at 6:42 am
He has shared his story and he treated his wife terribly and she never, ever recovered.”
Thanks for raising that, Lee. I read the thread and listened to the podcast, and I don’t think the Chumplady comments are a fair representation of the situation – but I wouldn’t really expect them to be. As CL says her site is there to support Chumps. Simple. It isn’t the place to discuss nuance about cheaters’ motives. It’s a place for Chumps to share their own experiences.
I actually found the podcast very moving. I think he did a good job of just letting his (now adult) kids express their feelings honestly. And there was no attempt to minimise how much damage he had caused to his wife and family, or blame anyone else. He certainly treated his wife terribly, but “she never, ever recovered” is not what the kids said and is a misrepresentation. By their account she is happily remarried, they still have a good relationship with her, and she is a great grandmother. That’s not to say that what she went through doesn’t matter, but it’s also disrespectful to suggest she was not able to build a new and better life for herself.
I’m happy for my posts and Tim’s site to speak for themselves.
Well that’s a relief that her life is much improved without him.
Lol, UBT= universal bullshit translator
“Peering through the fog the only thing they seem to see clearly is their affair partner – who stands out as a dazzling source of light and wonder.”
Yes! I call this the “I see the sun shine out of his/her ass syndrome ”
I suffer from this very syndrome myself, LO can do no wrong in my eyes. I’ve often caught myself comparing my SO to my LO and because I am now aware I stop, rewind and reverse my negative thoughts about my SO and instead out loud voice a positive thought about my SO. Initially I found it hard but with practice I find it easier. Yesterday SO took a day off to spend time with me, we had coffee together, then lunch and spent the day cuddling and reconnecting. It’s the 1st time in 18 years we’ve done that, since our first child was born, we plan to do it again soon.
I like your article. It helps me to understand how I got into this fog. Knowing what is going on in my brain helps me to understand myself better in knowing what drew me to my LO in the first place. The air for me is still not fully clear, but much less foggy than it used to be. Still doing things a bit “my way”, severely neglecting some common sense strategies to get over LO, but it’s a work in progress.