Today’s limerence quandary comes from C, who is coming out of her most recent limerent episode into an emotional wasteland.
C is married, and has been limerent multiple times, both before and throughout her marriage, but has never had an affair and has no desire to leave her husband.
As an experienced limerent, C has come to realise that the most difficult time in a limerence episode is the end:
The thing that almost distresses me the most about this, and my other past limerent episodes, is that when they end (person moves away, job change, etc.) I always feel there’s nothing left of value in my life. My world goes gray… It’s like their departure razes my city to the ground. I’m never suicidal, I’m just convinced that what I have left (my family, career, interests, friends) is worthless, obviously inferior to his life, activities, and inner circle. My life without him seems joyless.
Intellectually, she can understand that this is irrational and unhealthy, but those damnable emotions just won’t listen to reason.
By now, I’ve learned this feeling is a lie, and I resist it like crazy, but the feeling is there all the same, even though I know it’s a mirage.
Struggling through the latest comedown, C is now asking some pertinent questions:
Am I alone in this? Do other people experience this to the same extent? And why does it happen? And how can I fight it?
Let’s try and answer them.
You are not alone in this
The first question is the easiest to answer: No, you are not alone in this. It is a battle every limerent must fight if they don’t want to start a relationship with their LO, but succumb to infatuation anyway.
It’s always difficult to know whether other people experience things to the same extent, but it simplifies things to ponder who would be most likely to suffer it most. I think the answer is: those who most indulge the limerence.
The pain of the comedown is going to be proportional to the giddiness of the high. The melancholy that follows the end of the fantasy is going to be deeper and longer if the fantasy was deep and elaborate. It will hurt most if you were dependent on the limerence for mood regulation.
Even if your limerence was limited to thoughts and not actions, a prolonged period of living in a mental state of exhilarating infatuation is bound to change you. When your motivational drive is being boosted by secret thrills, the loss of them will mean a crash in enthusiasm. You’re fuelling your inner fire with limerence, and you’ve lost your supply. When that fire goes out, it’s going to seem cold and dark by comparison.
Using limerence as a pick-me-up
That crash is one of the consequences of using limerence as a life stimulant. Most of us do it unconsciously. It’s a habit we learn in adolescence, and carry with us through adulthood – understandably, given that it is one of the biggest energy boosts there is.
The problems come when using limerence as a daily pick-me-up conflicts with bigger goals – most obviously, when we make a lasting commitment to someone else and start to build a family. Using the same old trick of limerent fantasy as a stimulant creates – at best – inner discord. At worst, it jeopardises the relationship.
You could take the Churchillian attitude to unhealthy habits:
All I can say is that I have taken more out of alcohol than alcohol has taken out of me.
But there’s no avoiding the fact it is taking something out of you when you use secret coping strategies that come with an inevitable collapse built in. You’ve trained yourself into a state of dependence.
Why does it happen?
Why is the comedown so bad? A hangover might last a day or two, but the grey fog C describes smothers everything. I think it comes down to what limerence represents as a subconscious force.
Everyone is different in their emotional needs, reflecting their own personal history, but there are some common psychological themes that unite the limerence experience. The excitement and expectation of romantic adventure. The thrill of novelty. The promise of delirious intimacy. The release of ecstatic abandon.
Weighed against that smorgasbord of delights, the status quo is an inevitable disappointment. Emerging from a limerence episode feels like expulsion from the Garden, not a wholesome homecoming at the end of a hero’s journey. Especially when you add the guilt of knowing how disrespectful it is that you’ve been indulging such fantasies behind your partner’s back.
How can I fight it?
The key shift in mindset here is to not fight it, but to accept it. Take responsibility for the situation. The terrible comedown is a consequence of indulging the limerence. It is the cost that has to be paid for the highs that you enjoyed.
The best way through the gloom is to accept it as a road you chose to take, and accept that it is going to take some time for the fog to lift. That mental shift from seeing limerence as an external foe to battle to seeing it as an internal mistake to be remedied, helps establish an internal locus of control.
You could think about this period of having to labour through the grey fog as a chance to rebuild your real home, in contrast to the fantasy castle in the clouds you’d been building before.
Melancholy is not always a monster that can be slain with one blow. You usually have to keep it company for a while until it passes away from natural causes.
Planning for next time
Acceptance of a period of sorrow does not mean there is no hope for recovery. The fundamental problem at the heart of the melancholy is the habit of using limerence as a motivator, as a method of boosting your energy and enthusiasm. It works in the short term, but you are accumulating a debt.
So, looking ahead to when you have worked through the despondency, there are several steps you can take to protect yourself in the future.
First, recognise the danger of indulging limerence. The benefit is not worth the cost. If you start to feel the stirrings of the glimmer, don’t let it get too advanced. Remind yourself of the downside, and that it is much easier to exert discipline early on than once you are properly hooked on an LO.
Second, the lasting solution is to try and find healthier ways to motivate yourself. This isn’t easy. Our habits are deeply ingrained. There is a whole industry out there about how to avoid temptation, procrastination, and self-indulgence, and how to be more healthy, productive and fulfilled. The fact that the industry is in rude good health shows that this is not an easy problem to solve.
But there are lots of ideas to try and experiment with.
Finally, a key question to ask yourself is “How can I change the status quo for the better?” When everyday life feels like a dull consolation prize, the temptation to disappear into fantasy is that much stronger.
It’s another difficult truth to confront, but unless you are living with purpose and making decisions with clarity, cultivating your important relationships, and investing your time in building a better life, you will always be looking outwards for more excitement.
Chasing shiny illusions can lead you into dark places. Better to choose your own path, wisely.
C’s words are telling: “I’m just convinced that what I have left (my family, career, interests, friends) is worthless, obviously inferior to his life, activities, and inner circle. My life without him seems joyless.” Did she feel this way at a subconscious level before the start of the LE, and if so, why? In my case, these types of thoughts were not just the outcome of the end of my LE but also, upon much reflection, the key trigger for it. If so, the melancholy can be very useful in bringing these issues to light so they can be dealt with, itself a difficult a melancholic process, but one from which there’s no escaping if things are to actually get better.
Although I can’t speak for C, my life was fulfilling before limerence. My feelings have said otherwise and I can’t imagine or believe that I was ever happy, but I know for a fact that I was.
In the first weeks of my obsessive thoughts (when I accidentally let my mind wander), there was a dopamine high and it quickly became an addiction.
My mind became so full of thoughts about him that it took my attention from everything else, and that’s what made everything else feel unsatisfying, because of the dopamine high as my mind became so fixated on him.
At the worst part of this phase, I felt he is the only person who matters.
One older wisely told me, “What you put your attention on grows.” I decided to intentionally *value* other people by praying for them, thinking of them, and reaching out to them, and finally the day came when I felt genuine connection with them again (it was a relief).
Meant *one older lady
I truly had to go through the mourning process to get over L O. I went through all the traditional ups and downs and stages that accompany it. I thought I would never come out of the melancholy phase. It took a lot of self-reflection of what truly matters in life, realization that LO was not my friend, NC is best, recognition of attachment style, and triggers…. Ugh, what a hard process! There is peace and acceptance finally 💕
I’m in that mourning process right now. My LE experience started 6 months ago when someone I was developing a “normal” relationship with expressed deep affection for me with their words and behaviors. I realize now they probably had developed a limerence for me. Within days I was in full limerence, something I had never experienced before. As my LE fades I feel such sadness and the feeling of a “normal” relationship seems quite empty.
“My life without him seems joyless.”
I think you have to keep reminding yourself that you never had a life with him. It’s a fantasy. You didn’t have a relationship with him. And then focus on what it is about you that triggered the limerence. Because figuring that out will prevent limerence from happening again or at least prevent it form taking such a deep hold again.
“I think you have to keep reminding yourself that you never had a life with him. It’s a fantasy. You didn’t have a relationship with him. And then focus on what it is about you that triggered the limerence. Because figuring that out will prevent limerence from happening again or at least prevent it form taking such a deep hold again.”
@Marcia.
Amen, sister! 🙂
Absolutely Marcia!! The limerence poison that is triggered and runs through your body every time you run into a LO stimulus automatically magnifies the LO’s importance in your life to the ‘nth degree…but it’s just an illusion! One small, mundane comment from LO to you, a quick glance and a smile, does not equate to a healthy loving connection or relationship with LO. But our limerence sure does convince us that it does! Then we respond behaviorally and emotionally as if the illusion that our limerence has fabricated is real, and when our LO doesn’t respond in congruence to how ‘amazing’ the connection feels to us, then the heartache, the intrusive thoughts, and the hopelessness begins. Which then…serves as the next emotional trigger for us to crave the next ‘dose’ of LO even more! Uuuggh, exhausting!
“I think you have to keep on reminding yourself that you never had a life with him {her}. It’s a fantasy.”
Wow! This really hit me. It’s an emotional delusion out of an unconscious need to be loved/valued . Then this other becomes the recipient of our projected perfect other. By the way, I’m a psychologist with over 30 years of clinical experience and “limerence” was something I never heard of. It’s not in the DSM! But my “love sickness” led me to try to understand what I was going through for the first time in my 69 year old life.
This is more or less where I am now… coming out of the other side into melancholic grey flatness. My feelings for LO have not changed but the death of hope has drowned the pleasure I previously enjoyed from reverie and LO contact. My mind would now prefer to avoid focusing on LO but as always, the habitual intrusive thoughts provide a never-ending reminder of what I have lost and what I never got to have.
So… I saw the title of this blog and thought to myself, excellent, this is where I am at right now, perfect timing! Ok let’s see…. I should never have chosen to indulge in the first place; I must never indulge again; It serves me right to suffer for indulging; Wow I feel so much better now 😊
I have to agree that accepting and not fighting is the best approach. I must tell myself that this is a temporary phase that must be passed through to get to the other side. I have looked at my life and considered what was lacking to trigger my LE. And my conclusion is not much, it was pretty good. All I needed was desire, nurture, romance, emotional intimacy and companionship it seems. Is that so much to ask? Unfortunately, sometimes there isn’t an obvious route to fix the problem thus for me, looking at the bigger picture and the why just makes me feel worse.
Rather than focusing on my limerence, what seems to soothe me is to look at the small good things in the here and now, and find some small measure of comfort in them. A child’s giggle, the smell of fresh coffee, a warm snuggly bed, a good book, a cuddle, a sense of accomplishment from a job well done, a shared joke. Mini moments of comfort abound if you are actively looking for them and open up to them. And while this does not stop the grey fog creeping in through the cracks and smothering me on occasion, it does add a little hazy sunshine to the mix.
Yes! I am finding that now too I can focus on the little things that give pleasure, and I remind myself, this moment I feel happy and content! Enjoy!
Ha, yes, was a bit more of a “cold shower” post than usual!
I got the sense that C was in a place where she was looking for some straight talking and practical solutions. And I definitely think the shift to “I’m taking control of this,” is essential.
I have to weigh in on this topic too. As one who is prone to Limerence and prone to Melancholy I agree… rather than feeling like a victim of tragic Love Lost it’s healthier to own my part in my pain (nod to Allie) and reinforce my determination to never indulge again. I noticed how Dr. L repeatedly used the term “indulge”. Indulgences have consequences.
My last LO skipped off into the sunset with his love (to my dumbfoundment) nearly 3 years ago and there are still triggers that catapult me into melancholy. I have to be strong and dismiss the tendency to “indulge” in pondering thinking about these triggers and falling down the rabbit hole.
I am getting healthier though. I am enjoying my own company as well as others, I am at this very moment laying on the beach – which speaks to a goal I’ve set – enjoy nature more. I am trying to learn how to feel complete and whole without a LO and to dismiss feelings of rejection from things not working out with one. I am working hard to do kind things for people
in my world as I do think there is great happiness and satisfaction in selflessness. I’m also trying to be kind to myself as well.
It’s a huge accomplishment to overcome a bout of Limerence and I think about the morphine addicted woman in “To Kill a Mockingbird” and how she was determined to recover her self respect and dignity and I feel I can relate to her!
The slow recovery is worth it and the rays of sun through the clouds do get stronger.
The healing is slow enough that you don’t at first realize you are healing but scrolling back you see how far you’ve come and how sure you are you cannot ever allow yourself to indulge again.
“It’s a huge accomplishment to overcome a bout of Limerence and I think about the morphine addicted woman in “To Kill a Mockingbird” and how she was determined to recover her self respect and dignity and I feel I can relate to her!”
@Jaideux.
I always thought that was one of the most moving parts of the book. 😛
Sammy, me too!! It’s what I remembered the most since reading it as a child. I’ve recently re-read it and am even more convinced of what a work of Art the book is. And to speak to you post below, I think the longing for companionship – what Dr. L calls pair bonding – is at the root of many of our limerent compulsions. A natural desire combined with some imperfect childhood experiences and an imaginative and introverted nature and voila! The stage is set for limerent dramatics to unfold!
Going to run to the library and get it. Have only just discovered the problem of limerence but have suffered from it all my adult life as I am right now and practicing no contact. Got turned aside by the idea of twin flame to explain my exhausting obsession until my pain and need and prayer and meditation hypnosis and internet searching for relief led me to this knowledge which so precisely describes my symptoms.
A tremendous sense of relief just in having a clue of where I need to go from here. Far from over but knowing is healing.
I always enjoy reading your recovery posts Jaideux – inspiring in a realistic way.
Acts of kindness, self-compassion and nature… sounds wonderful. Am envying you laying on a beach right now.
I have never read “To Kill a Mockingbird” but have just bought it on kindle. Am looking forward to the moments of pleasure it will bring 🙂
Allie I think you’ll love this beautiful book! And love how that one character overcame addiction…as we have…or almost have. 😊
Great to hear how you’re doing, Jaideux. It’s all about the steady building of a new and better life, eh?
Hi Dr. L!
Yes, one brick at a time, walling off limerence and enclosing and protecting the peace and purpose within. It’s a lovely garden indeed!
Thank you for helping me see the value in this project and helping me develop the bricklaying skills and the desire to make the garden sanctuary verdant and rife with color/colour!
I think “melancholy” is such a great topic to explore!
I’ve been thinking about what emotion might be underneath my limerence. And the answer seems to be loneliness. However, I’m not lonely for everyday companionship and chitchat per se, as I have plenty of that from multiple sources. A never-ending supply, as a matter of fact! I’m lonely for some kind of ideal companionship, where people gaze up at the stars and talk about the meaning of life… 😛
The odd thing is that none of my LOs gave me this kind of ideal companionship, except in the realm of fantasy. My LOs, like my father, were the kind of people who liked to talk about the chemical composition of kitty litter or the price of cat food or the landmass of certain countries. Nothing wrong with such impersonal topics. But it wasn’t really what I had in mind… 😉
Hm. Is limerence the desire for a certain kind of emotional love? Love and companionship that has a greater emotional content in it perhaps?
I’m sort of out of limerence at the moment. So there’s no yearning and no anxiety. The absence of yearning does make life feel like a plateau. The absence of anxiety and shame and self-doubt, on the other hand, is delightful. 😉
The other day my younger sister saw me and wanted to know if I was okay. She asked me a question, and I must have given her a muted response, a response that was polite and honest but totally devoid of emotional energy. Yet I was completely fine, never been better (from an addiction-recovery standpoint leastways), and told my sister so.
I think the end of the limerent journey has simply resulted in me going back into my shell somewhat, which is a very introvert thing to do. It’s not a malicious withdrawal. And it’s not the social withdrawal of a depressive. There’s more of a “thank you, show’s over” vibe to the retreat. Maybe I’m consciously choosing to invest less of my Eros/emotional energy in the external world, knowing that such “investments” very rarely pay off for me? A rational stepping-back, no less!! 😛
“Hm. Is limerence the desire for a certain kind of emotional love? Love and companionship that has a greater emotional content in it perhaps?”
Oh yes absolutely that for me!
The trouble is, in my experience at least, the definition of a quality LTR is stability, security, trust, friendship and contentment. Which is the very opposite of the emotional intensity we crave.
I had an emotionally intense LTR once. It was actually incredibly stressful… plentiful helpings of arguing, discord, insecurity and pain were required before we got to the intense making-up and the passionate sex. A merry-go-round of doubt, hurt, mis-trust and resentment – the passion and intensity this earned was just not worth it. I guess we should be careful for what we wish for.
“I had an emotionally intense LTR once. It was actually incredibly stressful… plentiful helpings of arguing, discord, insecurity and pain were required before we got to the intense making-up and the passionate sex. A merry-go-round of doubt, hurt, mis-trust and resentment – the passion and intensity this earned was just not worth it. I guess we should be careful for what we wish for.”
@Allie I.
Your observation here makes me wonder about the role of conflict in pair-bonding? I.e. is fighting part of pair-bonding? We all know couples who fight all the time, and yet they don’t seem to be fighting about anything either party actually cares about. Is it fighting for the sake of fighting?
My hypothesis is bickering or quarrelling might be an intrinsic (and seldom recognised) component of pair-bonding and all the hormones involved. I think when couples “fight for no reason” what’s really happening is their hormones are forcing them to focus on each other and to focus on the relationship, and this strengthens the pair-bond somehow, even if the conflict is about irrelevant stuff and feels uncomfortable for both parties.
I’m not much of a fighter. I tend to flee from high-conflict situations as a rule, and feel uncomfortable around couples who want to embark on World War Three. However, I did have one LO who was only a friend, and the darnedest thing happened. I had a totally out-of-character desire to pick fights with him all the time!! I didn’t want to “get along” even though we were both perfectly capable of “getting along”. Some primitive part of my brain wanted to drag him kicking and screaming into a pair-bond with me, and neither of us had the faintest idea of what was going on… 🤔
(I liked him initially. He liked me initially. We appeared to be compatible. Why did I have an irrational desire to pick fights with him? Is it because I wanted something “more intense” than friendship and pair-bonding by definition is something a lot more intense than mere friendship?)
Never really had the desire to fight with someone like that before. And haven’t had the desire since. There was definitely a hormonal component to the desire to engage in conflict, and it was upsetting and unsettling. (I didn’t like the man I was, and he didn’t recognise the man I became).
Some people can hop on that merry-go-round you speak of, even if there’s no overt sexuality, and maybe that’s a sign one has unwittingly upped sticks and moved into one of the less savoury suburbs of Limerenceland? A troubling experience overall. Not one I’d want to revisit in a hurry. 😉
Sammy,
“(I liked him initially. He liked me initially. We appeared to be compatible. Why did I have an irrational desire to pick fights with him?)”
It sounds like you were trying to get a rise out of him. That you wanted him to feel more than friendship. Like: Hello in there! Do you have any feelings?! I had an LO who was, for lack of a better word, a f*** buddy. I can’t call him an FWB. He wasn’t my friend. But every time I left our weekly “get-togethers,” I’d throw a huge fight. “Screw you, I’m not coming back here!” I’d slam the door. I was trying to get him to feel something, to give a crap if I didn’t come back. It didn’t work. 🙂
Sammy, in my experience fighting does the very opposite of strengthening a relationship. Sure you get emotional intensity but it is exhausting, detrimental to all other areas of your life and fosters mistrust, shame and dislike. When you are stuck in a passionate fight you really hate them for a time! Pair bond relationships work just like other relationships in that regard… listening and compromise are the better bet if you want to be happy. But maybe some people have a greater ‘disharmony tolerance threshold’ than I do.
When a couple fights a lot for seemingly trivial reasons, I would bet that there is some ongoing underlying unspoken issue that is fuelling the bad feelings between them – the fight isn’t really about the trivial at all.
“It sounds like you were trying to get a rise out of him.”
@Marcia.
Yes, it was very interesting, because it was so out-of-character for me. Not how I relate to people at all. Up until that point in my life, I’d always been a gentle and passive person, albeit a highly anxious one. I did want to get a rise out of this one guy, though. I think maybe I wanted to elicit some sign of hidden passion from him that in truth just wasn’t there, so of course he wasn’t going to react with anything other than confusion and dismissal and mild disdain… 😉
The really embarrassing thing is … I think my mother used to try to get a rise out of my incredibly phlegmatic father using the same method, and I was unconsciously copying her behaviour in this situation, although I never really approved of her behaviour. My father was/is a very calm man, never took my mother’s bait, etc.
It’s not a healthy dynamic – an angry woman and a completely impassive man. (Actually, my father wasn’t impassive. He would spend hours trying to reason with my mother, all to no avail). The “woman” in such couples only gets angrier. But LO not taking the bait did shock me out of my limerence for him eventually. A love-struck, star-crossed couple we most certainly weren’t… 😉
On the other hand, when fighting is balanced out with passionate make-up sex, as in emotionally intense heterosexual couples, it might not lead to a happy and long-lasting pair-bond between the feuding pair, but all that passion and instability might have other unintended consequences, such as an unplanned pregnancy… So maybe Mother Nature is working some other kind of mischief? 🤔
In other words, had I been born a biological woman, my constant fights with my so-called “boyfriend” might have led to the creation of new life. The fact I’m not a biological woman meant these fights had no point, served no purpose, and achieved no end. At 23, I think I had the brain of a love-crazed heterosexual female in the body of a dude. An absurd situation to be in, I’m sure you’d agree!! 😛
The only way out of pain for me was/is to recover from limerence altogether, so my brain and my body are on the same page and not trying to achieve contradictory aims. (Since I’m not a beautiful young woman, I can’t emotionally blackmail a male partner into commitment or anything else of possible interest – I don’t possess the necessary physical charms, accoutrements, etc). 😉
I have spent a great deal of time wondering about this chapter in my life. For example, what was going on in my body? It seems like my testosterone levels were elevated (and hence the weird desire to fight) and my oxytocin levels were suppressed. (Didn’t have much desire to cuddle with anyone, wasn’t warm and approachable).
Interestingly, I’ve heard straight women have elevated testosterone levels when in love and straight men have lowered testosterone levels when in love. So I guess, in terms of hormones, the sexes meet somewhere in the middle when they fall in love? 🤔
I wonder … was I really in love (or limerence)? Or did I have some other chemical problems in my body at the time? Perhaps my then-repressed sexuality manifested itself as aggressive energy? Now I’ve accepted my sexual nature in full I couldn’t be more Zen… 😇
I think I have a “dad bod” now, at 39, with dad levels of testosterone and dad levels of oxytocin. I.e. medium levels of testosterone and medium levels of oxytocin. Let’s just say I think I’m a lot more approachable now. Both men and women seem to enjoy being around me. For a time, in my early 20s, it was painful even to be physically touched by another human being. I don’t know what that was about. I wanted to push everyone in my life away…
Perhaps it was a belated adolescent-male-bid-for-freedom thing? Maybe I never had enough in my life to rebel against, or push back against, and so missed out on that critical separation-individuation phase in adolescence? My LO may have been a proxy father-figure. Whatever he stood for, (a rigorous and unquestioning adherence to tradition, most likely), I was going to stand for the opposite!! 😉
Makes me feel a lot of compassion for parents of teenage kids. Such parents must really have their work cut out for them. 😛
Hi Sammy Sams,
” I think maybe I wanted to elicit some sign of hidden passion from him that in truth just wasn’t there”
I used to that with my LO, too. I would alternate between being really fliratatious and really cold and dismissive.
“The really embarrassing thing is … I think my mother used to try to get a rise out of my incredibly phlegmatic father using the same method”
My stepmother would pick at my father like your mother picked at your father, but all my father did was retreat further into himself. Which drove her crazy. He was so unemotive.
“On the other hand, when fighting is balanced out with passionate make-up sex, as in emotionally intense heterosexual couples, it might not lead to a happy and long-lasting pair-bond between the feuding pair”
The problem is, the more unstable it is, the hotter it is. But it’s not particularly healthy.
“At 23, I think I had the brain of a love-crazed heterosexual female in the body of a dude. An absurd situation to be in, I’m sure you’d agree!! 😛”
I don’t think so. I’ve always thought I should have been a gay man. I get along with gay men and women. I don’t really understand straight men.
” Perhaps my then-repressed sexuality manifested itself as aggressive energy? Now I’ve accepted my sexual nature in full I couldn’t be more Zen… 😇”
But that’s a good thing. A great thing.
“Is limerence the desire for a certain kind of emotional love? Love and companionship that has a greater emotional content in it perhaps?”
I think I was always looking for that when I was limerent. The love and companionship that makes you want to grow old with someone if you know what I mean. It is a hard pill to swallow that I may never have this. Definitely melancholic, but having accepted this realization it is a bit liberating too. I too feel that “thank you, shows over vibe”. Like the performance is over now I can breath a bit of relief and get on with what lies ahead for just me.
I feel you! It took me an entire year to get over my last LE. I was embarrassed that it took so long, but now I feel accepting that it was poetic grade infatuation and I am proud of myself that I went completely cold turkey so at least my LO didn’t know how I felt. Somehow that helped me. It took a year. Maybe that’s like other healing body parts as we age, and they all just take longer!
Love that! Might steal 😉
I am c. in this blog post, thank you so much, Dr. L! This was such a helpful discussion of melancholy. Lord, I’m an “experienced limerent.” Had to laugh a bit, why couldn’t I have been an experienced rocket scientist or Broadway composer? Good news is, having stumbled on this amazing website, I now have the tools of understanding myself (and my narc LO,) for which I am overwhelmingly grateful. I’m moving through my melancholy much faster than I ever have before. I really appreciated the comment from @Maria about never really having a relationship with my LO, this is the truth. So much happened in my head. My LO groomed me, I now see from this site, over sharing immediately, texting first thing in the morning until late at night, showering me with compliments, then lying and gaslighting. The worst. I didn’t have the boundaries to shut him down. I’m learning to build them. I let myself grow close to him, get drunk on intimacy, bc I was vulnerable due to a life transition. If I’d known about the danger of the glimmer, wow, I might have avoided this whole awful ordeal. Dr. L is right, I did neglect the duty of making my own life rich and satisfying. At great cost. And turned away from my own beautiful marriage. But even a week since I wrote the comments above, joy is returning. I hope never to walk this path again. Love this blog and community! And yes @Allie – small moments of contentment and happiness are key! A ritual cup of tea, my electric blanket, a phone call with a friend. My LO is out of town for weeks. Going LC when he returns. Wish me luck! The same to you all.
Good Luck, C. You’ll ace it, I’m sure.
Song of the Blog: “My World Is Empty Without You” – The Supremes (1965)
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dObwPyAKyw8
The only time I felt anything close to the melancholy C describes was after LO #2 declined my marriage proposal and became a gypsy nurse. We were still together on paper but she wasn’t around anymore. Someone who’d been a large part of my life wasn’t anymore. I had to adjust to life without her. There are several songs about crappy Sundays:
“Another Park, Another Sunday” – Doobie Brothers (1974)
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Phwjxh_H-BY
“Sunday Will Never Be The Same” – Spanky and Our Gang (1967)
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=k6-CxY0oJ0w
But, the best is, “Sunday Morning Coming Down” – Johnny Cash (1970)
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SVR6LIvmvAU
In 1986, Sundays just sucked.
It was way better after we broke up. My twice-divorced father had trained to believe that there wasn’t anybody that I couldn’t live without and that included LO #2. I didn’t want to live without LO #2 but once we broke up, there was no doubt in my mind that I could. Two more things my father taught me were that women were like buses. Miss one and eventually another one will come around. The second thing was that if a woman didn’t respect you and treat you well, get rid of her and find one who does. I was really sad but not melancholy. I was free to move forward.
With LO #4, I was relieved when she said goodbye. I felt sad and like I’d been dumped by a woman I never met but she gave me the way out and I took it. The environment that supported my LE/EA had improved and I didn’t see things as bleak.
Don’t get me wrong, it took a long time to sort through all this but I wasn’t aware of limerence then and I didn’t have a place to work through it. LwL provided that.
That’s one of the things that makes LwL so cool.
“Two more things my father taught me were that women were like buses. Miss one and eventually another one will come around.
I think that’s the way a lot of men look at women. They might really want to get on bus #1 but if that bus doesn’t stop to pick them up, they’ll get on the next one. It is what it is. Heaven help poor woman who unknowingly is bus #2.
Not necessarily.
I approached a lot of women or dated women briefly who weren’t interested in me for any number of reasons. I’ve “lost” to rivals. I don’t think any of my “successors” suffered for my getting there ahead of them.”
My father’s point was if someone’s not interested in you, they’re not interested. I could set a pretty high bar before I was convinced they weren’t interested, several times by being told in no uncertain terms, but once I was convinced, time to look elsewhere.
And, the same thing applies for women.
I’m talking about women who pass on guys and those guys are still hung up on the women, but … get on the next bus pretty quickly. Not women who pass on guys and then get on the next bus. The women weren’t all that into the first bus so they waited for the next driver … he he he. Those are two different scenarios.
I’m not certain I’ve followed this analogy all the way, but I think I get what you mean, Marcia. I wouldn’t want a romantic “passenger” looking down the road at the bus they really wanted to catch…
Yes, they could be looking down the road. Or they could be fixated on the previous bus. I knew a guy in his 50s who was still all hung up on some woman he was engaged to when he was in his 20s. He said she was the only woman he was ever with he was so into, he wasn’t looking at other women. Things fell apart with her. She was cheating on him. He’d been married a couple of times since then. I asked him why he married his wife. He said she helped him get in better financial shape. Does the wife know this? Maybe she’s ok with it. Idk. But he had no business getting on other buses until he dealt with what he felt for the first.
“But he had no business getting on other buses until he dealt with what he felt for the first.”
It’s not always that simple.
Maybe in a perfect world…
It kind of is, though. How do you think his wife would feel knowing he married her for financial reasons but had this red-hot passion with someone else who he still talks about decades later? Usually, if you pay attention, you can figure out that the dude got on the wrong bus when he got on your bus … Those “let me tell you about the girl I used to love ” conversations, which are always excruciating. But actually they do the woman a favor because then she knows … that he needs to get off her bus. “Thank you, drive thru.” 🙂
Marcia,
tl/dr
If she knew, she may have felt something like this:
“Gabriel, leaning on his elbow, looked for a few moments unresentfully on her tangled hair and half-open mouth, listening to her deep-drawn breath. So she had had that romance in her life: a man had died for her sake. It hardly pained him now to think how poor a part he, her husband, had played in her life. He watched her while she slept, as though he and she had never lived together as man and wife. His curious eyes rested long upon her face and on her hair: and, as he thought of what she must have been then, in that time of her first girlish beauty, a strange, friendly pity for her entered his soul. He did not like to say even to himself that her face was no longer beautiful, but he knew that it was no longer the face for which Michael Furey had braved death…
The air of the room chilled his shoulders. He stretched himself cautiously along under the sheets and lay down beside his wife. One by one, they were all becoming shades. Better pass boldly into that other world, in the full glory of some passion, than fade and wither dismally with age. He thought of how she who lay beside him had locked in her heart for so many years that image of her lover’s eyes when he had told her that he did not wish to live.
Generous tears filled Gabriel’s eyes. He had never felt like that himself towards any woman, but he knew that such a feeling must be love…” – James Joyce “The Dead” https://www.lonestar.edu/departments/english/joyce_dead.pdf
That excerpt is from the end of the story. If you want more, skip up to about page 45. It explains the excerpt and relates one of those conversations that you hope you never have in life.
It’s funny. I read that in my Modern Short Stories class in 1975 and it stayed with me all this time, long before I had an LO.
LE,
I didn’t read the whole story, but I think if you (the general “you”) are fixated on someone from the past who dumped you and you think this person was it for you, the love of your life, you may want to reassess. The love of your life doesn’t dump you. The love of your life is with you. I’m not dismissing the pain of having someone leave you. What I’m saying is that letting that person go, accepting that you weren’t “it” for them, frees you to go out and find the person for whom you are “it.” Otherwise it’s wasted emotional energy on someone who is long gone and who, frankly, probably doesn’t regret leaving.
“The love of your life doesn’t dump you. The love of your life is with you. I’m not dismissing the pain of having someone leave you. What I’m saying is that letting that person go, accepting that you weren’t “it” for them, frees you to go out and find the person for whom you are “it.””
True dat…
Marcia,
This one goes out to you!
“Give Me All Night” – Carly Simon (1987)
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tlTv2rEweVI
LE,
I don’t need all night. A lot can be accomplished in 15 minutes. 😉
Marcia,
“I don’t need all night. A lot can be accomplished in 15 minutes. 😉”
Ok, we’ll do it your way. Which 15 minutes would you prefer?
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=whk0PTK6y4o – “60 Minute Man” – Billy Ward & His Dominoes (1951) [Ok, this one is even before my time]
I love those slow floaters over the plate.
LE,
I can do it all in 15. 😀
https://songsear.ch/song/Prince/Scandalous/620608
The last line in the first verse pretty much sums it up. The refrain starts with the word “scandalous.”
Touché!
LE,
I once was with a guy who was still in the early stages of your song example … for an HOUR. That was a one-off. I didn’t have enough time left on this planet to wait for him to finish the job. 🙂
Marcia,
“I once was with a guy who was still in the early stages of your song example … for an HOUR. That was a one-off. I didn’t have enough time left on this planet to wait for him to finish the job. 🙂”
“No time for ritual, no time for ceremony.” – Amanda Donohoe, “Lair of the White Worm” (1988)
Sometimes, only monkey sex will do.
LE,
“Sometimes, only monkey sex will do.”
LOL. I don’t think he could HANDLE monkey sex. 🙂
Marcia,
MS does have its moments. Oddly, in my experience they were always initiated by the women. Maybe, it was a manifestation of if a male comes on too strong, it’s considered sexual assault.
I remember one MS session with LO #2. She started it. Afterward, I couldn’t resist cracking smart and asked her:
“Why is it when you’re horny, it’s affection but when I’m horny it’s lust?”
She rolled over on her side, looked me in the eye, and said, “It’s different when I [emphasis on the “I”] do it.”
LE,
“MS does have its moments. ”
Diet Coke, chocolate cake and MS. What else do you need in life? 🙂
“Maybe, it was a manifestation of if a male comes on too strong, it’s considered sexual assault.”
Are you talking about initiating it at all or being the one to initiate it the first time for the couple? I’m always impressed if a guy is the first one to initiate it. But that’s me. If the woman is the one to initiate it for the first time, then you know she’s into it so no need to be shy about being the one to kick it off in the future.
“She rolled over on her side, looked me in the eye, and said, “It’s different when I [emphasis on the “I”] do it.””
I think you’ve established that she was a little bit mental. 🙂
Marcia,
“Coke Zero…”
“I’m talking about women who pass on guys and those guys are still hung up on the women, but … get on the next bus pretty quickly.”
@Marcia.
Do you mean that maybe guys move on too quickly from what was supposed to be a great love affair? I.e. he’s still idealising a certain woman in his mind, but he’s not going to forfeit female companionship in the meantime? And it might not feel so nice to be the lady he’s “settling for” because he couldn’t get The One? 🤔
I have to say that the attitude of this hypothetical guy is very practical. But I can see how it might hurt the feelings of a female partner who was hoping for a little more emotional integrity from her man – and, of course, all the fireworks of a real romance. (He’s with me because he’s mad about me, and dreamt about a woman like me his entire life, etc). The second lady is not the man’s Miss Right so much as she’s his Miss Right-Now-Oh-I-Suppose-She’d-Have-to-Do. Nobody really wants to believe that their partner could have done way better in the dating market but “graciously settled for” something less! No one wants to feel like “first runner up” or a consolation prize… 😉
I think men on the whole might be more opportunistic about romance than women are. Maybe women are looking for the perfect match, a man with all these extraordinary qualities, whereas the average man is willing and happy to be with any women who will have him, since it’s sometimes hard for guys to attract and keep women. And by “women”, I mean “any woman at all”. 😉
I think males may embrace the attitude that “something is better than nothing”, especially as they age. Women, on the other hand, might have the attitude: “I want somebody and something really specific. I’m not going to climb onto the wrong bus – a bus that is not going to take me where I want to go.”
Women are more choosy about partners than most men are, and there are good reasons for that i.e. a greater investment in reproduction. The aspect of male behaviour that is extraordinary hard (at least for women) to understand is when a guy who has a very nice and good-looking female partner, might still cheat on her when the opportunity arises, and not understand why this action jeopardises the relationship. Men need to learn to shut down that opportunistic thinking once they’ve finally locked down commitment from a quality woman IMHO. 😛
Sammy,
“Do you mean that maybe guys move on too quickly from what was supposed to be a great love affair? I.e. he’s still idealising a certain woman in his mind, but he’s not going to forfeit female companionship in the meantime? And it might not feel so nice to be the lady he’s “settling for” because he couldn’t get The One? 🤔”
That’s exactly what I mean. I don’t think there’s anything wrong with having some casual late night rendezvous or even casual dating if still getting over someone else. I mean, if we’re “meeting up” once a week for an hour, what do I care if he’s still hung up on someone else? But if he’s trying push things forward into a relationship, it seems disingenuous to do so if not ready.
“I mean, if we’re “meeting up” once a week for an hour, what do I care if he’s still hung up on someone else? But if he’s trying push things forward into a relationship, it seems disingenuous to do so if not ready.”
@Marcia.
Uh-huh. Gotcha. 🙂
The melancholy is calming. I much prefer it to the alternative. I would rather live the rest of my life here in this melancholy than ever go back to the horrific whirlwind of the last four months. I want the melancholy to stay and the intruding fear chasms to cease. How to get rid of those? They feel chaotic. I just want balance. I don’t want to fear that my whole life needs to change and that I’m crazy. I want to feel at home in my life and never ever feel any other way again.
This is an excellent post, Dr. L! I am definitely experiencing that melancholy now that my limerence seems to be on the wane for LO #2. It feels like the loss of a dream, and I am struggling to find other (healthy) thoughts to occupy my mind instead of thinking about her (although I still very much like her both as a woman and as a human being). I am also slowly coming to the realization that she probably wouldn’t be a good fit for me as a partner (although I would still probably want to try dating her if my marriage ended and she was interested). It is also a sad and bleak time with the cold weather, currently being in virtual lockdown with COVID and very sad news about our beloved family dog having a terminal illness (although we will be going for some very expensive treatment to try to extend her life as much as possible). My wife and daughter are also up to their usual tricks with fighting all the time, and my daughter’s mental health isn’t good at all. I certainly can’t look at marriage counselling or ending my marriage at the moment.
The other thing I am noticing is that I have actually engaged in at least a little bit of rewriting history by making things out to be worse than they were with my wife (despite the fact that things were often unacceptable, I don’t usually mention the happy times or the times when things are at least pleasant and cordial). I always tried to be as objective as possible, but I do think that limerents in long-term relationships can’t help but focus on the negative with their partners and weigh those negative aspects more heavily than they should). I have told my wife that we will go to counselling once this is all over and that I will make a genuine attempt to improve our marriage. We could still end up going our separate ways, and there is no denying there are some deep problems in our marriage, but I haven’t forgotten those problems. I didn’t want the threat of separation and divorce constantly hanging over her head, but at the same time I didn’t want to give her false hope either. But for now, any possible changes to our family dynamic are on hold. That saddens me, but I need to give it more time and focus on other things at the moment.
However, I don’t want to make it all sound negative. There are some definite positives I can take away from this. I am basically free of limerence now! I no longer obsess over this woman. I can still keep her as a friend without pining away for her, and that means I don’t have to stop seeing my other friends either. I did get some validation from her, and that makes me feel better about myself. I also like how I can get over my LOs without getting to the point where I’m asking myself, “What the hell was I thinking?” I still retain fondness for all of my former LOs. I still totally understand why I liked them in the first place. Sure, I wasted a whole lot of time and effort thinking about them, but it wasn’t all for nought. I also learned some valuable lessons about myself and my life. I started taking better care of myself, and I also started to insist on having a social life and more freedom without my wife controlling me 24/7. I feel more alive as a result of meeting my last two LOs, and I learned that I’m still relatively young, but time isn’t infinite either — and it shouldn’t be wasted. I can focus on having the best time I can with our dog while she is still alive and relatively well. I can also get back to thinking about my job and career, making some extra money, finally finishing all of those household projects, getting caught up at work, helping my daughter to be happier and more fulfilled, dealing with my marriage and family issues and getting some new hobbies, while continuing to hang out with my friends. Sure, the death of a dream feels sad and depressing, but I am also now largely freed from the burden of limerence, and that has to count for something!
Despite your melancholy, I am happy to also see the note of optimism in your post. Well done with untangling yourself from LO2! Long may your freedom continue.
If you subsequently decide you do still want to do something about your marriage, I think it is far more likely to work out well for you when in your current frame of mind.
Thanks Allie. I am hoping this is the beginning of the end of my limerence for her, but not my friendship with her. There are a lot of things going on in my life, and I won’t sort out many of them at the moment, but I can concentrate on the positive and the possible and try to ignore the negative and the impossible (or at least the things I have little to no control over — at least in the short-term).
43 posts since Jan 22?
I think that answers Cs question. No you’re not alone!
🙂
@Marcia.
I’ve been doing a spot of thinking. (Can’t ever turn my brain off – it’s a blessing and a curse). And I think, with a little help from one Miss Camille Paglia, I’ve come up with some possibly pertinent questions about human nature you might enjoy contemplating… 😛
Q: What is the main difference between straight men and gay men?
A: The main difference between straight man and gay man, I believe, is that straight men need and seek sexual validation from Woman, whereas gay men don’t need and seek sexual validation from Woman.
Male heterosexuality, in other words, is a positive sexual orientation i.e. it’s actively seeking something from women, whereas male homosexuality is a negative sexual orientation i.e. it’s not chasing men so much as it’s the absence of seeking something from women. Archetypal Woman, you see, lies at the heart of both sexual orientations. Woman occupies a central place in human interactions. All human stories revolve around Woman. Man can never escape Woman, try as he may. Even a gay man will always be defined in terms of his relationship/lack of relationship to Woman. Woman is the life-giving centre of all creation. 😉
Which brings me to my next question…
Q: Is it possible to tell straight men and gay men apart?
A: Yes, speaking as a gay male, after almost 40 years on this earth, I believe it’s quite easy to tell straight men and gay men apart…
Let me spill the tea… It’s not about looks. It’s not about wardrobe. It’s not about hairstyle. It’s not even about sexual deeds and misdeeds. It’s all about energy. Personally, I believe I can separate straight men from gay men purely from the subtly different energies that each group unconsciously exudes. (My barista friend is straight, in case you’re wondering, more’s the pity. The other day he hovered near my table and I discreetly noticed and “read” his erotic energy). 😛
Basically, straight men are sweet and gay men are mischievous. I know that sounds simplistic, but it’s true. Straight men are incredibly sweet beings. I can understand how young straight women fall in love with straight men. Of course, older straight men can become bitter and jaded and cynical. But if you dig deep, eventually you find that sweetness at the absolute centre of their personalities. Gay men, on the other hand, bring a sense of fun to the table, an irrepressible spirit of mischief. 😉
I don’t feel I’m idealising straight men collectively when I say straight men are sweet. I think this is an objective universal truth about straight men. Previously, in my posts, I may have implied (wrongly and outrageously) that straight men are dumb and gay men are smart. But that’s a false dichotomy, and not true at all. I apologise profusely for that mischaracterisation. Straight men are actually very intelligent, but their intelligence tends to be filtered through their sweetness and their areas of interest. The intelligence of gay men, on the other hand, is filtered through their mischievous streak, and comes out as sass, style, witticisms, etc.
Tragically, straight women sometimes abuse the sweetness of straight men. Tragically, other men sometimes (oftentimes?) abuse the sweetness of straight men. Straight men may stop being so overtly sweet as they age because so many unscrupulous people line up, eager to take advantage of that sweetness… 😢
Now, as a gay man obliged to live in a straight world, I consider myself to be the ultimate male impersonator. (I’m a man in a man’s body pretending to be a man, if that makes sense). I’m pretending to be what I’m supposed to be and what most people already assume I am anyway. I wear the same style of underwear that straight men do. I have the same great taste in work boots and wristwatches. I eat the same sorts of (unhealthy?) food straight men like to eat, and you better believe (after hours of meticulous practice) I can talk the same language!! 😛
Fun aside: “locker room talk” is a misnomer. Men don’t actually talk in locker rooms. Male locker rooms are wonderful sanctuaries of almost-dreamy silence. 😉
But where was I? Oh yes – male impersonation. Passing as a masculine straight man is like learning a foreign language. One day, after many years of practice, you wake up and you realise you can play the required role without effort. Passing for straight and masculine becomes effortless, second nature even. Even genuine straight males are taken in by the performance, and somewhat awed by it. 😛
However, a gay man can never truly become a straight man, no matter how good an actor he is. And why not you may ask? Because of the natural laws of energy. In other words, the spirit of mischief deep inside me never goes away. It will bubble up at the most random and inappropriate moments. I don’t have the same soul-shattering sweetness and emotional purity so many straight men have, especially in their early years. There’s something Machiavellian about me; I’m too “knowing” by far; I laugh too much and at the wrong things; I play the social game with a little too much ease; I’m too “perfect”; I’m too good at what I do. 😉
I suppose the question I really want to ask is this: if I can “see” straight men, purely from the energy they exude, can straight men “see” me – as a non-straight man – purely from the energy I exude?
I think the answer to this question is yes and no. For example, I’ve shown my barista friend who I truly am – I’ve shown him my mischievous streak, in other words. If he were smart, he’d read that energy as “gay” and understand that in some ways we can never be “bros” in the way he might like to be bros. 😉
On the other hand, I think straight males see and love the mischievous side of gay men, just as straight women see and love the mischievous side of gay men, even if they don’t understand such mischief is a socially-acceptable manifestation of “gay energy”.
The tragedy for the gay male who is very close to a straight male is that the libidinal energies of the straight male will always and inevitably flow toward Woman, as sure as a river flows toward the sea. This is because a straight man, by virtue of being a straight man, is biologically hardwired to need and seek sexual validation from Woman. (Culture doesn’t make a men heterosexual. Culture merely encourages an already-straight man to make his natural bond with Woman permanent). And – voila! – our argument has come full circle. 😉
Sammy Sam,
This is a lot to parse out, but I think you are making sweeping statements about gay and straight men. Are all gay men mischievous? No. I’ve known some dry numbers-guy types. Are all straight men sweet? Heavens no. No one can be colder or more dismissive to women than a young, straight guy with a lot female options. He can go through women like he is changing his socks.
And in terms of living in the straight world, why would you want to? It’s been years, but I remember the gay world as having much hotter men and being much more fun. 🙂
Good morning… I feel like I have truly found my people.
I’m engaged to a very kind and lovely man, but just as we got engaged, I met the most potent LO online, and I rue the day. We both have SO’s, and it’s going nowhere. This was in 2020, and we were just sending quite wholesome messages for a long time (although I’m lying to myself here- because it thrilled me beyond belief to receive them, and I consciously used to post items of shared interest which I knew would prompt him into contact, or post a pic of me which was aimed at him… it always worked. I knew he was trouble the moment I saw him, and almost unfollowed him immediately, but didn’t).
He gently ramped up the flirting in December and I fell for it- I had a flicker of doubt and a pang of guilt but this man, honestly… the fanciest algorithm in the world couldn’t have concocted me a more potent/dangerously appealing penpal. Add in working from home, solitude, and frustrations with the SO.
Oh, reader… it escalated. But I’m not the right kind of person to be able to handle an online affair. Maybe for some it’s just a bit of fun, but… it’s now consumed me, made me sad, and I know I have to stop.
I think the worst part is I’m very late to learning about this and recognising my LO type- he reminds me strongly of an ex who absolutely crushed me after 8 long years of being very cold to me (after a lusty beginning!). It’s bringing up the most unwelcome feelings. He’s made life feel so exciting and colourful for a long time; I’m dreading the cut-off and am still in denial- he often says he doesn’t want it to end our friendship and unfortunately I’m still clinging to this idea that I can cool down and park him in my mind somewhere, but I know that’s folly. I even regret being too forthcoming with him, as if I could have ‘maintained his interest’ for longer, which is ridiculous.
He’s often wanted to meet, but… I avoided it, out of shyness (before the flirting). I think I feel sad now that I gave in to the online affair and may have blown this opportunity. Which again, is ridiculous!!
I’m just really scared about the comedown, and adjusting to the reality of grey January days without the unpleasant yet wonderful addiction of interaction with this (aaargh, this goddam) man. Weep.
Just found this blog but I am just blown away. I’ll definitely be reading more. I knew of the word limerence but treating it more like an addiction is eye opening and feels very accurate. I have been crying off and on reading a few articles, but I am grateful. Knowledge is power. How difficult it is to recognize and figure out how to manage being prone to an addiction to (certain) human beings, that you also need to connect to for survival and happiness, without losing some of the great things about myself that make me an empathetic and intelligent friend! Trying to be compassionate to myself and be strong that I can figure it out though.
“recognise the danger of indulging limerence. The benefit is not worth the cost. If you start to feel the stirrings of the glimmer, don’t let it get too advanced.”
Totally. Now that I know what I know. Never again. What was scary was how FAST it crystalized. Have to be alert and prepared!
Thanks for this post — really resonated. I’m finally ready to start doing the work of letting go, and am taking my first few steps into the epic storm of pain, confusion, grief, introspection and, frankly, bone-deep sadness of walking away from my LO. At my worst moments I feel hopeless at that feeling of “self-betrayal” — that my feelings and instincts lead me astray, despite my best attempts at genuine self-awareness and intention from the beginning of the LE. I’m also experiencing that bone-crushing greyness of life without the intoxicating high of LO fairy dust sprinkled over everything. I know there’s self growth and forward movement buried down here somewhere, but I’m also feeling weary and exhausted. Solidarity folks!
I read a lot of replies right now, and I never felt this understood.
What I’m interested in is, is there anyone like me out there?
I am the most distant person I know. I mean, I don’t even know myself sometimes. I only let a few people in, only to realize I never did let them in the first place. That’s another topic.
But every ‘love interest’ I have had, every person who has ever been interested in me – didn’t know me. I didn’t let them, I didn’t need them, I haven’t had any feelings towards any potential romantic partner ever.
So to read some of your comments that read it’s a yearning for something deeper – I had those moments with people and never have I ever been present. I had long, deep talks, gazing at the skies and countless hours of talking with people – yet I always felt as an insider. I never let myself feel anything, I always felt it was play-pretend, even without an LO.
So, I hope there is someone else out there, who feels the same way. Or is the same way. Completely out of reach (besides LO).
People have asked how I am doing, and about my absence. I tell them I had a loss a few months ago. It’s not entirely untrue since this really feels like grief. Like I lost my best friend. My soul is hurting.
I am now starting the 6th week of NC with my LO. I am in that foggy emotional wasteland. I go through the motions of exercising, reading, spending time with friends, so I don’t let on how bereft I am. I can’t really tell people what this is or why. I am ashamed and have only myself to blame for it.
I am not at work (that’s where my LO is.) I have a finite amount of time to recover before I have to see him again. Most drug and rehab programs are 1-3 months. I wish limerence recovery worked that way. I am worried that being around him when I have to go back, even if I avoid him as much as possible, will be like a contact high. I worry it will start the addiction all over again. He usually seeks me out, even though I disclosed to him and asked him to stop all non-business contact several months ago.
Meanwhile, I am firmly in a post-limerent darkness. I can’t truly seem to motivate myself to do much more than get from day to day. Although the daily agony of seeing him, and longing for our talks and walks together is gone for now, this new desolation is my constant companion. The worst part is the tricks my mind plays, where sometimes I ‘almost’ convince myself that I sabotaged a beautiful friendship and mistakenly threw away something remarkable and amazing. Where I delude myself into believing that I really need him in my life because all I see now is gray. Always having to remind myself that he was NOT my friend is exhausting.
Dear “SillyLimerent” I have been addicted to this site for many months. My heart goes out to you. Your post is beautifully written. All experiences are different but I felt so much empathy. I do hope that your pain will fade over time.
I met my LO three years ago. He was a neighbour and is unusual in that he is articulate, friendly, candid and witty. I am 68 and he is 38. Nevertheless a very strong friendship arose. Living in the same block of flats, we met often in passing and also started to exchange regular WhatsApp messages. He gradually became very affectionate in his messages (the use of WhatsApp was started by me). Deep down, I realised the dangers but I became infatuated. He hugged me whenever me met which gave me a dopamine fix like no other. He is staggeringly good looking which is how he originally caught my eye.
He has been very kind to me over some health issues. I began to depend on these messages and probably talked about my health way too much. Eighteen months ago he and his girlfriend had a baby and a year ago they moved away to another town. The sensible part of me knew that this should be a good thing, particularly as I wanted to avoid upsetting his girlfriend in any way.
The affectionate messages continued, kind of both ways, however although they were never sexual. He would say “I miss you” and “all the love”. It was still the main focus of my life although I knew it had to stop.
Well, lucky me, I guess, now it has stopped because the messages have completely dried up although two months ago I succumbed and asked how he was. He replied kindly but briefly. No contact now for two months. I feel “ghosted” and very hurt but I realise that this is how it has to be.
I have read the recommendation of “purposeful living” on this very helpful forum. I do want to make efforts in that direction but so far I have failed. With some bad timing, my recent cancer radiotherapy and hormone treatment is causing fatigue, mood swings etc.etc. so I am taking it all one day at a time.
I know that this beautiful man needs to get on with his changed life but the emotional pain is phenomenal. I realise from this forum that many hundreds of people have somehow let the same thing happen to them. I want to tell him that I feel hurt but that would just be piling guilt onto him and the truth is that I already knew that No Contact probably had to follow. I often deluded myself with the theory that we could be lifelong friends.
I can’t walk past the road anchor where he used to park his motor cycle without a sinking feeling.
Well, probably like many limerents, I have found it cathartic to put this in writing. If you have read this, thank you.
Dear Frederico,
Thanks for reading and sharing. I am sorry for your loss. I know it doesn’t seem it, but your LO moving away is possibly a blessing in disguise, if indeed no contact is the cure for what ails us. My LO is a few years younger as well. I think it would be a blessing if he switched jobs, but I know he won’t.
What is interesting and similar here is that my LO used to text, out of the blue, “Miss you” similar to your LO. I would relish his having thought of me at what seemed like random times and reaching out. In my head “Miss you” and “Love you” seemed interchangeable. He is married, I am married, so of course he would not text “love you.”
“Miss you” was his way of saying he loved me in super secret code, right? WRONG. He actually meant that he missed me. This is the worst thing about the LE. We know they can’t just love us with no complication, so we read between the lines when there are none. We fool ourselves. In the process, we become more addicted to them.
A little off topic: We had an inside joke, my LO and I. It had to do with a chicken. I will spare the details, but a week or so ago I went to a restaurant that had a huge plastic chicken mounted on the wall. It took everything I had not to snap a picture and text it to him. I cried for a bit, but I didn’t send him anything. I imagine your sinking feeling at seeing where your LO used to park his motorcycle is similar. It’s very lonely to know that I am the only one who is hurting when I look at those spaces where my LO lives in my mind. No one else saw that chicken and wanted to cry.
Dear “SillyLimerent”. Another beautiful and thought-provoking post which I was fascinated to read. There is more empathy from me although I have no helpful advice to offer, unfortunately. The further insight into your experience has helped me. Yes, I get the chicken similarity. Thank you x
It’s really weird. I basically consider myself over my LE. I have no desire to reach out to LO anymore. But why am I still here on LwL? I find it comforting to be here, reading about the trials and tribulations of my tribe. Or is it that I actually miss being in the state of limerence? I actually check LwL more than I contact LO. Is it a substitute for limerence to read about limerence?
“Is it a substitute for limerence to read about limerence?”
Maybe…
https://livingwithlimerence.com/freedom-from-limerence/
https://livingwithlimerence.com/freedom-from-limerence-is/
Thank you!
“very valuable in the initial healing process, but there comes a time when it might be wiser to disengage”