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Living with Limerence

Life, love, and limerence

Case study: ghosted by LO

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Reader G got in touch about a speed bump on her road to recovery:

I have a question – you talk a lot about the importance of going no-contact to get over Limerence, but what if LO is the one to unexpectedly withdraw/ go no contact? How should you deal with the pain of that?

For instance, ghosting (which I’m sure is common). In my case he was always initiating conversations and meet-ups then suddenly went all cold on me. I texted asking if he wanted to hang out, but he didn’t reply for 24 hours. I texted again, and he then replied to the second text, ignoring the meet-up invite. I then phoned him and asked if everything was okay, and he said yes, and ended saying he’d call – and hasn’t. It’s been two weeks and before we’d speak every day. 

The reason I ask is because I was planning to go no contact – but for it to happen like this so suddenly has left me in a depressive sea of uncertainty. I want nothing more than to contact him, if only to have some closure/ leave things on a good note. I feel like the situation is out of my control and I keep ruminating on it, going over and over I’m my head and am feeling intense physical withdrawal pains. 

Now, ghosting in general is obviously upsetting, but it seems clear that G is a bit taken aback by the strength of her reaction. After all, she was on track to go No Contact herself as she wanted to get over her limerence, so why should it be so distressing that LO initiated it for her? 

Well, any time an unexpected turn of events triggers a powerful emotional response like this, you know you’re onto something important. Being surprised by your own psychology is a fantastic opportunity to understand yourself better. What might be at the root of the pain? 

Lots and lots of deep drives…

Resurgence of uncertainty 

As G recognises, being adrift in a sea of uncertainty is profoundly unsettling. Uncertainty has a central role in limerence, and so the resurgence of uncertainty due to LO’s evasive behaviour is going to act as an accelerant. You thought you knew where you were, but the ground had shifted beneath you. Trying to make sense of the new situation, you reach out to seeing how they respond – and if the response is cool you try ever more desperately to re-establish closeness. 

Rumination takes you back into the past when they were warmer, reassuring yourself that you weren’t imagining things and they really did reciprocate. You fantasise about possible futures where your cleverness can draw them back in to the limerent entanglement that you want to escape, but perversely also can’t stand to lose. 

The agony of not knowing what’s going on consumes you. And given how hard it is to get information out of a ghost, it’s very hard to resolve the uncertainty directly.

Wounded pride

A second source of pain is simple pride. You committed time and energy to this relationship, and now they have disdained that by casting you off. 

Like last season’s fashions

Once, they hung on your words, sought your attention, texted every day. Now, they can’t even be bothered to reply to a text. That stings. Bluntly, being ghosted feels like personal rejection and that cuts deep. 

You thought they liked you, but they seem to have got over that insultingly easily. 

How dare they. 

Doubting your judgement

Another cause for anxiety is the sudden feeling that you don’t understand the situation as well as you thought. In G’s case, she was working up to a recovery plan in which she would withdraw from contact with LO, from her previous baseline of LO always initiating contact and speaking every day. For most people, it takes time and mental energy to prepare themselves to ethically detach from that sort of situation, but when LO suddenly and abruptly cuts all contact and goes silent, it leaves you metaphorically dumbstruck. 

Where’d he go?

It makes you realise you didn’t understand them, and your judgement about their feelings for you was at best questionable and at worst, fundamentally wrong. That will drive your limerent mind mad, as it tries to process the discordant new information and incorporate it into your mental image of LO. Cue lots of rumination and mental bargaining about how you could still be right, even though the evidence suggests you were wrong. 

Loss of control 

Closely linked into the anxiety of doubting your judgement, another powerful fear is loss of control. G was planning on going No Contact, but then had the choice taken from her. It was no longer an option she was exploring on her own time schedule, LO made a unilateral decision to absent himself. 

The desire for control is often cast as a character defect. Taken to excess, being a control freak is a potential problem, and seeking to control other people is both manipulative and (probably) futile. 

I’ll find the right button eventually

But wanting to be in control of your own destiny is healthy. 

Not many people want to live in chaos. Deciding our own fate is a profound need for most of us, and so reminders from the environment that our sense of control is often an illusion is upsetting and unsettling. We know it rationally, but act as though we don’t believe it emotionally. 

This fear may be especially powerful for those with an anxious attachment style, or those with insecurity about their attractiveness or romantic prospects. Feelings of helplessness as LO drifts away cause panic, and a desperate attempt to re-establish some control by re-establishing contact.

It’s not really them you are missing, so much as the security of feeling your life is stable and predictable.

Loss of access

Another obvious aspect of rejection is that you no longer have access to your source of limerent supply. That feels like losing something valuable, something we thought we could rely on when we wanted it.

Aversion to loss is one of the most powerful psychological drives. Study after study has confirmed that, emotionally, we react more strongly to the thought of losing something we have, than gaining something we want. 

The classic example is gambling games. If you are offered the chance to win $200 on a coin toss, everyone rational would happily take part. If, however, the option was heads you win $200 but tails you lose $100, most people would refuse, or at least hesitate. You can reframe this sort of game in lots of ways, but the result is the same: people are more cautious than they should rationally be from a mathematical perspective. People fear loss more than they value gain.   

The sense of losing LO causes a powerfully aversive response. That stress makes us want them even more, to grasp ever more tightly to what seems to be slipping away, and it reinforces the impulse to seek limerent reward to alleviate stress. 

When we also use limerence for mood regulation, ghosting by an LO is a double hit of anxiety. 

Ultimately, ghosting plays on a lot of our deep fears, and it’s a good illustration of the central challenge of recovery from limerence: there’s a mismatch between your intellectual goals and your subconscious cravings. To get relief, you need to find a way to bridge the gap between those two levels of cognition, to help your emotional subconscious feel the wisdom of your executive brain. 

The best way of doing that is by telling yourself stories, so for G (and anyone else in a similar position), here are a couple of ideas for how to reframe the narrative of being ghosted; one positive and one negative. 

First, look on this as a blessing. You wanted to be free of limerence, and providence has delivered a golden opportunity. Instead of being wracked with indecision, you are now freed from the burden of choice. You are being gifted with help in your struggle, you just have to accept the good luck and embrace it. Going No Contact is often hard and emotionally draining – you have been spared that, and launched on your road to freedom by an unexpected turn of events. Sometimes, chance makes life simpler. 

Second, you can look on this as evidence of LO’s poor character. Even if a friendship needs to come to an end (for the wellbeing of one or both of you), ghosting is the most hurtful and insensitive way of doing it. Saying you’ll call and then not is very inconsiderate, and self-centred. When an LO is behaving that badly, you are better off without them in your life. Trying to keep contact with a flaky LO is only going to result in you remaining trapped in their orbit, unable to break free, and all out of the stubborn need to prove to yourself that you can still get their attention.

Whether the positive or negative message speaks to you more powerfully, the decision to accept the freedom on offer – even if it pricks your pride – is the most empowering choice you can make. 

Reader Interactions

Comments

  1. Wow what a timely post for my situation. LO has ignored 2 of my messages and has blanked me several times in person, I’m going to face the harsh truth that I have been ghosted
    Soon am able to go NC (physically) and I’m finding the 2 stories provided extremely helpful. The positive one feels right for me as devaluing him has never really worked and creates negative energy within.
    Haveling an anxious preoccupation attachment style, LO moving and ghosting me quite literally has left me feeling part of myself has been ripped out from my skin and my whole world has been torn apart. Which is quite rediculious as he ghosted me 2 months ago! The anxiety that came from this literally had me going insane.
    Looking forward, I will be telling my self how positive this is. The magnitude of my feelings, compared to the reality, has shown me that I absolutely need some sort of therapy to figure out why these sort of attachments happen.
    Great post.

    • Any lesson we can take from an emotional shock is valuable. Apart from the general benefit of understanding ourselves better, it also helps us be better prepared for the next LO…

  3. **This fear may be especially powerful for those with an anxious attachment style, or those with insecurity about their attractiveness or romantic prospects. Feelings of helplessness as LO drifts away cause panic, and a desperate attempt to re-establish some control by re-establishing contact.**
    I never realised that before, but this is so me….I even panic if I see that LO hasn’t been on line when I’m expecting he might to be…how sad is that…so far I haven’t been ghosted, but I live in constant fear that it may happen one day, and I’ll lose contact….of course my executive brain know that in the long run it would work out for the best for me, but try convincing my limerent brain of that….

    • Sam I agree whole heartedly, when you don’t choose the loss of contact for yourself, the effect must be devastating, (I live in fear that may happen) and the loneliness and isolation of having no one to share this all with, amplifies the grief immensely, I’m sure. Thank goodness we have this site………I’m 76 years old, so I also worry that I may not ever be free of this limerent episode before my days are up………

      • Maureen, my heart truly goes out to you. 76 is very long time. I sometimes feel that I’ve got a life sentence with this and I’m in my 30s. Beginning to think I should bite the bullet and go see a psychotherapist. Anyone else on here done that before and felt that it helps in a tangible way? The thing is, I sort of think I know what my problem is. Its like having a terminal disease where you know you have it and go to a doctor and they just confirm you have it but then ultimately you still just have it and continue to live your life with it. I don’t
        expect a ‘cure’ but I sort of feel like spending 100s to have someone just agree with me would be pointless?

        • Hi winst
          I do believe therapy can help. Not the therapy I had which was very cognitive based but perhaps a psychodynamic therapist could help you with the deep rooted issues you may have. We all know deep down that LO is not the problem, there are many reasons why people experience limerence. It could be unhealed trauma, attachment styles or your limiting negative self beliefs or conditions or worth? I know many therpaists do not understand the concept of limerence but what they can do is bring the focus on you, which is exactly what you should be doing because focusing on LO won’t solve a thing. I guess finding the right therapist is difficult but it’s something I will be delving into in the coming months. Im intrigued to know more about myself. Why do I do this?
          Also, there is not much on this site about self love. I believe this is a huge factor in overcoming limerence. I’m not sure what DR L thinks about this but most of people’s LO are unreliable and in many cases have treated us poorly. I’m intrigued to know why us as limerents still pine after our LO’s when a lot of the time they have hurt or Ignored us? There is something deep inside us that needs to know and feel that this is not ok and we deserve better, we need to love and respect ourselves.

        • Also, there is not much on this site about self love.

          I haven’t written a lot about this but, yes, I am definitely big on self-compassion. You cannot live a purposeful life without accepting yourself as you are, and looking within to understand what you really need to live a happy and fulfilled life. Good relationships with others almost always depend on having a good relationship with yourself.

          I would add one note of caution, though, that the “always be optimistic, you’re perfect as you are!” school of positive thinking doesn’t work for me.

          Genuine self love seems to come most reliably from actually doing things you are proud of and behaving in an admirable way.

        • I think therapy can be a great benefit but you have to keep a few things in mind.

          First, you have to find the right therapist. That can be a challenge. I was lucky in that I encountered some good ones. Here’s the thing, you have to really define what the goal of therapy is. Do you want to actually address some potentially life-altering issues or do you just want to get out of the distress limerence is causing? From a risk mitigation perspective, the former addresses your vulnerability to limerence. The latter addresses how to identify threats and mitgate consequences.

          The benefit of the former is that if you identify and correct the vulnerability, the other two take care of themselves. The downside of the former is it can take you places you had no intention of going and profoundly alter things.

          When I was working with the EAP counselor who labeled me co-dependent, she had me write letters to LO #2, LO #4, my mother, my father and the grandmother who raised me. The therapist role-played each of them. Some of them got very intense and going back to my desk afterward was not easy. However, I was lucky in that all my family was dead and I was well into NC with my LOs. So, I got the benefit without the consequences.

        • Hi Winst…well fortunately for me…….if limerence had to happen, for me, it’s only been 13 months, although it seems like a lifetime, and I am really worried that it won’t end until my demise…….I know how you feel about a psychotherapist…as a senior on a limited pension, it would be almost impossible, so thank goodness we have this site to help us out…..I know what I should do, but panic at the mere thought of losing touch with SO, even when it causes me such sadness, but euphoria at the same time……I have another dilemma, in as much as my friend and I have rebooked another tour with the same company, and now I live in fear that if I go NC, we may get LO for our tour guide next May….hubby and I originally booked for May past, but of course it got cancelled, and now hubby isn’t able to travel because of the dialysis, so in order not to lose our deposits etc., my friend agreed to take hubby’s place….so no backing out now………….if only I could just enjoy the contact with LO and be satisfied with just being friends on social media……he is after all on the other side of the world, and younger than some of my grandsons! But it just doesn’t seem to be working out that way….seems there’s more tears than euphoria these days…sigh…

        • I have a mixed view of therapy. It can work wonders, but it can also be harmful if the therapist is determined to fit your experience into their “therapeutic box”.

          I think the main benefit is getting to know yourself better – really getting deep into what your triggers are and what formative experiences shaped your limerence profile (and relationship style, generally). I used a CBT approach to deal with the immediate symptoms of limerence and get my emotions back on track (as laid out in the emergency deprogramming course), but the longer term view really needs an understanding of how your personal history has shaped you.

          Finally, what research I’ve done into different modes of therapy seems to suggest that the key factor is rapport between therapist and patient. It’s critical to get this right, as it appears that the therapeutic School is less important than the connection to your therapist (pick one who is also very unlikely to become an LO!).

          As Scharnhorst has said before, the risk is the same as for plumbers – don’t just pick the first one who answers in an emergency!

    • How often do you think about her? Daily? Not a day goes by that I don’t think about LO. Sometimes it’s all I think about all day. Going on 3 years.

      • Thanks to all who answered me! Very useful points for me to think about. As much personal ‘deep’ soul searching that I’ve done, I clearly have a long way to go. Here’s to ‘weathering the storm’! Pray for me, I don’t believe in God but I recon I need all the damn help I can get at the moment!

        • Winst, you posted a link recently to a website about L-theanine and serotonin levels. I’ve been talking about going on an antidepressant with my SO… I had to quit my job to go NC, and while I get up early and workout every day, it’s a struggle to not ruminate and obsess.

          This all started about 2 years ago, after working with LO for about 5 years. I realize now that 2 years ago I had the perfect storm of MIA SO, death in the family, empty nest — all those things that make one question life — and then we added a low carb, no sugar diet (still on it). From my reading on that website, the diet lowers the serotonin levels significantly, especially for women. The LO made me feel safe and valued initially and made me laugh a real genuine laugh, which is rare for me! What an addiction!

          I decided to try matcha over an antidepressant, and day 3 I am dressed before 8 a.m. Coincidence? I think not… 🙂 thanks again!

      • Hi Anxious_Soul,
        I haven’t heard from my LO after he ghosted me about 3 weeks ago. It’s been very hard to take as the last thing he texted me was he wished he was with me.
        Sad Lady

  5. I used to have a fear of being ghosted , it was even panic. After 5 yrs of on and off contact I just know deep down that he will always come back to me. Even if hes silent. LO is also entangled in this and dependent on my attention/ obsession. We pull each other back and in a way im relieved its not going to end. Can we be limerent for each other forever?! I heard it lasts up to 3 yrs. we are over that limit already. The codependence remains strong.

    • If the entanglement lasts and is still serving a purpose by satisfying a subconscious craving (albeit a semi-dormant one), then it can last longer. Some people keep their secret flame burning for decades…

      • Oh good grief, I don’t have decades for this to keep going on…not sure I have time to even fully get to know myself better, and at my age, I’ll probably forget what I learned anyway, ha, ha, ha….now if only I could get enough memory loss to remember LO…..maybe old age does have some benefits eventually, ha,ha,ha…

      • 14 years for me since any rational expectation of getting us together expired. Very little contact since then, no intentional contact for 13 years. Its mostly been in the background, but every so often it comes back full throttle. That has been the case this year since I had unintended contact with her in December.
        There is some part of me, that believes, that somehow, some way, despite the problems we had in getting a relationship off the ground in the first place, or my marriage (I love my S.O. and will not leave her) and kids, or her marriage and kids, we are going to end up together. Or alternatively, missing that opportunity has somehow ruined my life forever. All very intense, but completely irrational.
        I had discovered limerence 13-14 years ago, but no real resources like this site, which I found this year, prompted by my resurgent, raging limerence. Thank you.

    • Sara – I understand that completely. Mine has been going on for 6 years. I agree with everything you said. Dr Limerance – you are a blessing!!!

  6. Shiiiit, so timely. Exactly a week ago I sent LO an email asking why he invited me to a concert and out for drinks if he’s not interested in dating me. I asked very politely to define the parameters of our friendship. Crickets. Radio silence. I’m albeit very slowly realizing that I will most likely never get a response from him so THIS is his version of ghosting me for good. Besides feeling utterly devastated, I am making a bet with Sharnhorst that I will indeed NEVER contact him again. I have no idea why he never responded but I think for me, I choose to frame this as potential closure for myself. I’ve commented on this before on here and I’ll say it again, consciously and sub consciously I KNOW I have no dignity left to speak of so reaching out again to LO, would be the ultimate loss of self respect. This is how I chose to view this situation and I hope I’m onto something. The pain continues.

    • Good use of self-respect bolstered by social accountability, A_S! Just think of us all willing you on and cheering for your victory next time you feel weak 🙂

    • A-s.
      Dignity tastes better than contact with a very immature *hole. Use us as your not to text buddy’s !
      It was 8 days ago I collected my last piece of dignity and told Lo it was over. After he told me to date other men, but meanwhile booked a Holliday for us. Part of my intrusive thoughts are about revenge (I know I know best revenge is to be happy … im Just not there yet) you are not alone A-s and I think it’s very mature to ask a question like that, why hang out why you don’t want to date?
      Research has shown that deep down people who ghosts like that know it’s a s*itty thing to do inflicting with integrity so it’s damaging to their self-esteem too. Good luck !

      • Mia, forgive me if my comment is presumptuous. However, I think most people would find the behaviour of your LO appalling. I think very few women would be happy getting mixed signals of such magnitude. Clearly, this man doesn’t care about your feelings in the slightest. He wants the perks of a committed relationship but none of the responsibilities. This is a bad situation to be in, unless you are/were purely looking for NSA fun.

  7. This is so helpful to read of this struggle/addiction. I have a sneaking suspicion that I am becoming addicted to this site! I’m surreptitiously reading it every chance I get, but really with a two fold purpose: 1) trying to understand what happened and 2) trying to get the feelings to go away and move on. I’ve had two LE’s , one at 30 and one at 60, and both triggered by my secure attachment style SO not being emotionally available at the time, and it panicked me. My LO’s were very popular with men and women, charming, married, and all that glitters. I know I can be a selfish git, and I enjoyed their attention even while knowing I was starting to develop feelings… Arrggg… I remember during an oversharing session with LO #2 talking about how long I’ve been married, how I liked being married, but still – this part unspoken – being attracted like a moth to the flame. Knowing about vulnerabilities, triggers, attachments, boundaries and still struggling is frustrating, but at least I will see it coming better after therapy and learning about all of the above plus limerence. It takes some intense introspection. Thank you again for your keen insights DrL!!!

  8. I just realized most of you on here are married. Yikes. Please don’t be offended if I sound judgy but I’m also an active chumplady.com member and have experienced the trauma of infidelity…. that being said, please don’t cheat on your spouses. Trust me, it brings so much pain to them. The pain is unbearable at times. My ex cheated on me with a married woman and 7 years later, I haven’t fully recovered. Yes, I dumped his ass promptly but it is not the kind of pain I would wish on anyone. The emotional pain of limerance doesn’t compare for me (perhaps because I tend to romanticize it a tad.) So just please keep this in mind. And just from my own personal experience, disclosure to SO is also hurtful so if it could be avoided, I’d recommend it. That is, if you involve the physical aspect. At that point it’s called a full blown affair. Sorry for feeling inclined to say it. It saddened me deeply when I had the realization that so many of you are married. I so get the agony of limerance and we certainly share the collective experience on this but please, think of the hurt your spouse would feel… sorry, rambling..

    • In her goodbye, after explaining how I couldn’t keep things platonic, LO #4 said, “Also, I’ve been trying to put myself in your wife’s shoes. How would you feel if she were corresponding with a man she was attracted to in the same capacity [I thought that was an odd word] that you write to me? If you have to hide our correspondence from your wife, it’s not good.”

      With that, LO #4 shot the elephant in the room and our acquaintance ended. I was a dead man. I could leave by the high road or the low road but I was leaving. I wasn’t going to sacrifice my marriage for her. We’d built what relationship we had on trust and honesty. I could either agree with her, do the right thing, and show I had some loyalty and integrity or I could try to convince her that she was wrong when she wasn’t and prove that I was no better than her cheating ex.

      There are some posts in some blogs that talk about the legacies we leave. The reality is our legacies with our LOs don’t matter. But, I’d like to leave one, anyway. With LO #2, I kind of want my legacy to cause her some small degree of regret. I want her to think of me on her deathbed. Petty, but true. With LO #4, if I cross her mind, I want her to smile and think I was an OK guy, flawed, but OK.

      To my knowledge, I’ve never been cheated on. It’s an experience I hope I never have to deal with and, at this point in my life, I’m not worried about it. I never want my wife to question loving me and taking a chance on me. I don’t want that thought to be in the same time zone with her. I’ve gone through my stuff to ensure that when I’m gone, neither she nor my kids will find anything that raises those questions.

    • Thanks Anxious_Soul. Many of us married limerents have tortured souls and do not want to cheat on our spouses. That is why we come to this site and community — because we are having a difficult time with the cognitive dissonance of loving our spouses but also having feelings for someone else. In my own case, my marriage frankly sucks (for many reasons, which I have detailed elsewhere on this site) — and my LE made me keenly aware of that fact and made me have to deal with it head-on — but I still love my wife and would NEVER cheat on her no matter how bad things got (although things would be different if my marriage did actually end, and it is touch-and-go at the moment in terms of whether our marriage will survive). I totally agree with you about cheating, unless people are in an open/polyamorous relationship. Still, I am starting to have at least some empathy for people who find themselves in a situation where they are having an emotional or physical affair — particularly where their relationships with their SOs are strained and unfulfilling.

      • ” I totally agree with you about cheating, unless people are in an open/polyamorous relationship.”

        That is a common misconception. Even people who are in open/polyamorous relationships can cheat or be cheated upon. People set up rules in those types of relationship and if they are broken it is a breach of trust. As my poly friends can attest to – and I have more than a few.

        Betrayal hurts.

        • @ Lee: Sure. I must confess that I don’t know too much about these types of arrangements, but I can see how sex outside the parameters governing those relationships would count as an affair as well. Thanks for the clarification. You are correct that betrayal hurts, which is why it is something that goes against my own personal code of ethics. My own LE is unreciprocated anyway, but that wouldn’t change even if the feelings were mutual.

      • I agree with you V-L…I never have, and would never cheat on my spouse, even through this intense LE. Of course it does help that my LO is totally unavailable in so many ways, but even if he were closer to my age, and lived next door, I would still do everything in my power not to cheat…which gives me a ‘light bulb’ moment…maybe subconsciously that’s why I ended up with a LO so very unavailable….maybe I’m craving the closeness and romance that have understandable disappeared over the years, with hubby’s dramatic decline in health….Is that what it’s all about, missing something that you didn’t even realise was missing….perhaps it is. Either way, this LE brings more tears than happiness…….there a many other factors to this story, so it seems I still have a lot of work to do…….

        • @ Maureen: I have read your story, and it does seem sad. My LO only lives about 6 miles (10 km) away (I actually Googled the distance to her house – how pathetic is that?) and there is only five years difference in our ages, but she might as well live on the other side of the world and be half my age. In your case and mine, the LE is really just a fantasy — one we aren’t going to act on — but it does drive home how there are things we crave in our relationships with our spouses that are missing. I agree with you that the negatives of limerence far outweigh the positives, but at least we can use it as a learning experience.

          My biggest barrier to recovery at this point is the knowledge that my marriage is on the rocks, and that I could theoretically pursue a relationship with my LO if I ever ended my marriage. That is causing me so much pain because I don’t know if it is really my limerence motivating me in that direction, or if my limerence is actually holding me back because I am extremely reluctant to make a decision I know deep down is probably for the best anyway, with or without the limerence. I went for counselling, but it didn’t really help other than to validate that my feelings (even my limerence) are totally “normal.”

          Good luck in your recovery. For all of us, we need to focus on recovering from limerence first before making any major life-altering decisions. In your case, there may not even be a decision to be made, but I agree that recovering from limerence would be extremely liberating. More than anything, I want my life back (while keeping the focus on self-improvement that has resulted from my limerence).

    • Anxious Soul, I’m so sorry for your pain! I appreciate your ramble and the terrible consequences of not fighting the good fight. I completely refused to acknowledge any feelings the first time, wouldn’t talk about it with anyone – not even a therapist – and it was a shameful dark secret that came out in weird ways. That is why this blog is helpful in that we are not the only ones struggling and there are so many good suggestions to help. I have been devastated that these feelings reemerged after a good long period of stability. The last thing I wanted to do was hurt my SO. He is the one I love the most, he’s my rock, usually. I spin out in life if he’s not there. Disclosure of attraction helped painfully in that we are able to address things in our marriage that left me – us really – vulnerable, e.g. excessive pursuit of hobbies, taking for granted after many years, becoming too complacent about each other’s value. I have issues obviously in attachments and am constantly trying to work on myself to not only do the right thing but to experience love and marriage the way it should be – secure, respectful, with good communication and support of each other’s growth and development – an ease to be who we are while enjoying each other and spending time together. I never fancied myself in love, just admired more than I should have, daydreamed much too much because reality was becoming hurtful, didn’t lay down boundaries soon enough, and didn’t work on issues in the marriage soon enough. It never went beyond oversharing and talking too much, mutual admiration, but again caused great shame and guilt, especially when I realised I was valuing another’s opinions over my SO’s. Also because I knew what a dead end it was and the pain my family of origin went through because of PA. Cannot take it lightly ever. Ironically, my sibling called and asked why DNA test showed half ethnicity when there were none in our family… thinks it hilarious and is learning the language, gestures, and is planning to visit where the most DNA relatives reside. Sigh. Life is weird. I’m ready to be free and happy again!

    • A-S there are quite a few of us here who are very single. Maybe a bit less vocal?
      But we are here too.
      I respect that the marrieds are here because by and large they don’t want to be cheaters and are trying to reclaim their sanity and their feelings for their spouses.
      Us singletons are trying to reclaim our sanity and I think we are recovering from a secondary blow, we were available but our LO’s didn’t want us.
      Live and learn!

      • “Live and learn” is an oversimplification of the emotional trauma this experience has caused me. Discarded as in ghosted by LO will take years to recover from. Been there once before in 1999 and it took 3 years! Just sayin’

  9. Not the Sharpest knife in the drawer , slow learner & lazy indeed. lol.
    Interesting read. My LO did do me enormous favour throwing me to the curb , that’s when I cracked my head & that’s how the light got in, as Leonard Cohen quoted. Hallelujah without a therapy I am here. I took action & deleted email & Picked up the book by Jaron Lanier , 10 arguments for deleting your social media accounts right now. What Iam trying to say, you’re right I had to deprogrammed my Limerence/ addictive mind big time last summer.
    My LO (ice-cream with a twist ) Had retuned in the winter My response was a spirit of anger, yup Pride, not proud.(For the record my LO is not married, Player.)
    But he returned by email in lockdown letting me know he’s hunkered down with a wonderful woman & it’s reason for him getting out of bed… He was just checking in on me.
    Thankfully I found this site livingwithlimerence & continue to work on myself with my small yoga practice & meditation. Labeling my thoughts as been helpful tool. Appreciate the information here.

    • @Lazybones
      I just hate the LO “just checking on you” balderdash. They need to leave us alone! Mine kept trying to check on me after he cemented his relationship with his new SO, I roundly ignored him enough times that he finally stopped, but for some strange reason his close friends and family members have been checking in! I am polite and cordial and never ask about him as he no longer matters to me and I will do anything to avoid getting sucked into the rabbit hole again.
      I am doing so much better now that he is out of my life!

  10. Article of the Day: “https://www.themindfulword.org/2015/ghosting-passive-aggressive-discourtesy-manifesting-self”

    This is good. The linked article about anger is also really good.

    I found this part particularly interesting: “I believe ghosters are detectable to those paying attention.”

    I had never considered that. But, I’m old enough to remember a time when there was only one phone in the house and voicemail didn’t exist. Ghosting was a lot harder. If nobody was home, the phone just rang until you hung up. If you didn’t want to get calls, you turned off the ringer. My first answering machine used a micro-cassette. Caller ID was an expensive add-on. The social convention until Caller ID was that if the phone rang, you answered it. The primary reason I got an answering machine was so I could screen calls to avoid being called back into work.

    I’ve been ghosted by two more than casual acquaintances. Looking back, I can see where one would be likely to ghost but I didn’t see it for the other one. If someone had asked if I thought that woman was a ghoster, I’d have said, “No.”

    Personally, I think one reason for ghosting is that it leaves open the possibility of a return. They can always claim that things weren’t formally ended.

    • I don’t think I can emotionally handle reading the article yet so what’s the summary? You can detect ghosters how? Is it their inconsistent behavior? The pattern of inconsistency? In general, I find that people who tend to be flaky with communication never change, in business as well as personal relationships. My LO went from love bombing to complete indifference which has been a mindfuck in itself. 3 years later, I’m still analyzing what happened.

      • “Tight listening to instincts, like infrared goggles, reveal the dark hidden. If only we use the gear at our disposal—eyes, ears, heart and mind—taking note of the signs, hints, looks and words, not in suspicion but in curiosity…To be vigilant without being wary requires delicate balance, an equilibrium developed over years of listening to the self in wordlessness.”

        Shari Schreiber says how you do anything is how you do everything. I think what the article is saying is that by observing someone closely enough and being in tune with yourself, you can detect someone who is likely to ghost you. Inconsistent behavior would be an indicator.

        If you have intact self-respect and healthy self-worth, the less likely you are to put up with crap. Detecting someone who’s messing with you becomes second nature. You really don’t have to spend much time on it, you’ll just know. When LO #2 made her admission about settling for me, I almost backhanded her. She was attacking my self-respect and I won’t let anyone get away with that.

        I’m not vulnerable to love-bombing. I’m OK but I’m not anything special. I like to think I’m in the first standard deviation to the right of the mean or at least the first standard deviation to the left. Someone who thinks I’m less than that, I have no use for. Someone who thinks I’m more than that, I’m suspicious of. I don’t take well to being demeaned or dismissed. LO #2 flat out dismissed things I told her. When LO #4 came across as dismissive, I went to war with her.

        People will treat you the way you allow them to.

  11. The only time I ever ghosted anyone was a male friend who started having this creepy obsession with me. Despite me being straight and him also being ostensibly straight, others told me they had no doubt the guy was in love with me. It was very weird, so I actually ended up ghosting him (before ghosting was even a thing). (I am not trying to be homophobic here, but if one is straight, that kind of attention isn’t generally going to be welcome.) Still, the guy ended up passing away and I felt really guilty after that. I could have handled it much better, but how do you tell someone you think they are creepy, obsessive and far too clingy, needy and presumptuous (in terms of him thinking he could participate in all of my social activities even with my other friends, who weren’t keen on him)?

    With the story in the above post, I think this is a similar scenario to a breakup. Many people want to be the one to do the breaking up. Even if you are planning on “breaking up” with your LO, if they beat you to it, I believe it can be a bit of a hit to the ego. Many people also want to feel like they are in control. However, in my case, if I ever did break up with my wife, I would far rather she be the one to do the breaking up. Is that just cowardice to put the onus back on the other person and avoid having to make that difficult decision? In some ways, I would be quite happy if my wife told me she found someone else and was leaving me for him. Should that be telling me something? Again, I worry that it’s just my limerence driving me.

    • V-L, my LO really does live on the other side of the world, and is 40 years my junior! And while we’re being pathetic, I have a ‘world clock’ on my computer screen, just so I can see when he may be awake or sleeping…pathetic, for sure…not to mention all the pics I have gleaned from his social media pages…I have literally wasted over a year of my life searching and following him on social media…but I just can’t pull the plug…..Yes it’s all in our heads, and yet the LO is a real person, and sometimes it’s hard to separate the two, fantasy from reality…..there he is in real life, but it’s all fantasy in my head….and worse yet in my case. I really don’t know what I want from him…certainly not a relationship….I’m not fond of his ‘modern day music’ he likes snowboarding, and things that I would never dream of doing…….(hey he’s young), so what the heck is the attraction to this boy…..? I have no idea……..like you, I want my former life back, but am terrified to let go…..
      I wish you well in making a decision about your marriage, and yes, I think you’re right, we need to deal with the limerence first…it influences us in negative ways, I’m sure….I have no decisions to make on my marriage…we have had a good marriage (I think), we have been together for 32 years, and this is the first time for me that limerence has ever appeared. I wonder if anyone here has ever tried hypnosis…I know nothing about it, but someone might…….

  12. Great post! My LO did not ghost me, but considerably decreased our interactions and the types of interaction we had (we used to tease each other, and he suddenly stopped it). It happened when I had already decided I should stop (I’m married), but it drove me mad that he was the one doing it. I spent months obsessing about the reasons why he did it, but then realized that knowing the answer would not make any difference and would not give me closure. The only closure I needed was my own realization that I would be better without that behaviour, and for it to happen I needed to focus on me (what I wanted, what I should do etc) and not on trying to understand what’s going on with him. Always focus on you!

  13. Well, please don’t crucify me, but I’m actually considering ghosting right now, after countless attemps to establish NC.
    I’ve tried NC with explanation, LC, staged withdrawal, but I have a weak character and my LO won’t let go.

    • That’s completely different, you have every right if you even explained why nc is better for you. You don’t have a weak character, LO should respect your need. Even LE s and LO s ( like they are not just people 🙂 should respect other people’s boundaries.

  14. So good, Dr. L. So friggin’ good. My LO ghosted me back in January and it was soul-crushing. As I detailed in a comment on the last post, I had been decreasing contact–messaging only, hadn’t seen each other in person since November–from daily to every few days, then once a week. It was working because he would never initiate, so we only had contact if I initiated. Then as I came to the point that I knew I had to cut contact fully, I sent a more emotional note and he responded that we’d connect soon. And…crickets.

    A few days later I had to drop some work-related things at his home and included a funny gift but no note (yes I am pathetic, I fully recognize that)–just left them outside, no contact. In my heart I was sure that would prompt him to contact me, as he would know it was from me and wouldn’t be able to resist. Still…crickets. I couldn’t believe it. Finally after a month or so I stopped crying, regained some sanity, and realized it was for the best–I mean, wasn’t I the one who had been decreasing contact in an effort to get to this point anyway?

    So I accepted it. I was moving on. I missed him but reminding myself what an @$$ he was for ghosting me strengthened my resolve. Then out of nowhere, three months later, he texts me that he wants to reconnect. Thanks to this amazing site I haven’t responded so I guess I’m the ghoster now! But something about him reaching out, initiating after never doing so in the past, re-embedded him in my brain. I’m abiding by NC but no longer making the same progress. I want to get back to where I was but it’s like I’m stuck, thinking about him and the fact that at least once, without my prompting, he was thinking about me.

    • Yeah,

      When I got the friend request from LO #2 after almost 25 years, I wondered which was worse. Wondering if she’d ever thought about me in all that time or knowing she likely had, at least once. Although, at the time, it was easy to send someone a friend request when you thought that you’d deleted them from the people you may know list. Unlikely, but technically possible. I found I’d sent a friend request to a Latina sophomore in St. Louis and joined a comedy club in Detroit.

      After I thought about, the latter was way better. I’ll assume that even if it she didn’t intend to send the friend request, she was probably looking and that was good enough. She blinked first.

      Take it as a win!

  15. https://youtu.be/xETOaQi8yKk
    Hey try this link for letting go of a toxic person. Know that this person is bad for you and try to sit with the uncomfortably feelings of the process.
    Wishing you all the best. Do not reach out. Stay strong

  16. Good link Rachel!
    My LO did not ghost me, and wants to see me and maybe start our romance again after we stopped , we are both single but I decided that I want to get rid of limerence, I have to get through the pain to get better, I don’t want to be limerent anymore, I put way way WAY to much time and energy in LO in my mind it’s not healthy. So I said goodbye to LO and it hurts, it freaking hurts, it hurts so much I can’t even describe it to someone who is not a limerent.
    But I made a little list :
    I want to make healthy choice
    I want to not have him in my life
    I want to go NC
    I want to be a good mum without moodswings
    I want to go through this and get better.
    I read it 20.000 times day .
    Stay strong no contacters ! We love ourselves more than we love our LOs !

    • Yes love these affirmations. They maybe more powerful if change the ‘I want to’ to ‘I am making a healthy choice’. I don’t know too much on the subconscious mind but to reprogramme it you need to talk as if your are rather than what you want. I hope this helps and I will be doing the same.

    • Article of the Day: http://mindhacks.org/scott-adams-affirmations/135#:~:text=The%20idea%20behind%20affirmations%20is,That's%20one%20I%20actually%20used.)

      I really liked #5 in his responses to anticipated questions.

      As an engineer, I love Dilbert! I don’t know how much I buy into what he says but when I was disengaging from LO #4 I used his technique. Being the lazy soul I am, I typed it once, copied it, and held down Control-V until I filled the sheet. But, I didn’t save any of them.

      When I look back, I’d been using an affirmation for years. As many hypothetical conversations I’ve had with LO #2 and, later, Lo #4, they pretty much all wrap up the same way, “But, I never want to see you again.”

      It turns out that was probably the only one I’ve ever really needed.

      • I’m still in the negotiation state of grief
        ( Maybe I can be friends with LO, maybe when im totally over him we can start all over again ( that’s my favourite delusional one, let’s start this mess again when im finally free ) maybe maybe maybe …
        The affirmations are still about keeping my NC but one day I will use yours.
        ” But I never want to see you again”.

  17. Question! My limerant, obsessive brain has been struggling (A LOT) lately with assessing what could be the likely explanation for my LO’s ghosting. As I’ve shared on here previously, I went from being demoted to a “special friend” by LO (after physical relationship) and then just when I thought things were “done for good”, he reappeared to invite me to a concert a few months ago. The concert never happened because of covid. He then offered to hang out sometime this summer when quarantine lifts which I took as an opportunity to ask about his idea of our “friendship” moving forward so we’re on the same page. I said it in an email, in the most polite and succinct way I could find. Basically, peppering the email with compliments such as “you know I care a great deal for you but I would like to know what you are proposing here so I can adjust my expectations.” My friend read the email before I sent it and thought it was very thoughtful.
    2 weeks later- crickets. No, I will not reach out again. There will not be “did you get my email?” follow up. I’d rather leave it on this note if I never hear from him again.
    But I do wonder (okay, obsess)… what could be possible explanations for his lack of response? Yes, he is alive according to social media. He initiated the contact after months. Then why disappear again? He is a rational engineer, very linear thinking type. Normally his responses are very precise and logical. So the fact that he wouldn’t respond to a simple question and choose the most disrespectful way to end contact by simple not responding threw me for a loop. How do I frame this for myself?

    • I have no idea, but I would hazard a guess that he is indecisive. Perhaps he isn’t sure if he wants to get back together or if he just thinks of you as being in the friend zone. I know this is very hard, but you probably should try to move on and forget about him. You want someone who is totally committed to you and isn’t ambivalent towards your relationship (I know how hypocritical this sounds coming from me given that this is EXACTLY how I view my marriage right now, but I think that is a little different situation). Good luck in finding peace and someone who will love you for who you are unconditionally!

      • Indecisive about answering a simple question? It is so disrespectful not to respond to someone whom you’ve known for years and who (I) is obviously in pain. Why do they do that? I dated a man years ago that who was nothing but a few weeks fling and when he wanted out, instead of ghosting sent me a brief paragraph explaining not to expect to hear from him again as he was no longer interested in me. I respected him for that so much and it brought me so much relief instead of this ghosting bullshit. What happened to good manners anyway? Is it really so excruciatingly difficult for some to articulate feelings in a few sentences? I just do not comprehend this approach at all. I would be embarassed not to respond to someone’s question when it comes to such matters. He knows I struggle, he knows he has hurt me deeply, he knows I’ve gone through accidental pregnancy bc of him and left me with its residual emotional trauma I will likely deal with for the rest of my life. He knows this because I’ve communicated this to him recently. What a time to dissapear. Sorry, this is obviously a very tough time for me. I can’t share any of it with my friends as they might think I’ve finally gone insane.

        • I agree. It’s pretty shitty of him. I am just speculating as to his possible motives.

        • Anxious soul you are not going insane. It’s a very genuine question, who on earth would do something like that. How can you live with yourself ghosting ??
          I don’t have the answer either, (except the obvious clichés , he is an immature coward etc but I think you already know that) I can imagine you question the good of mankind in general after this. The only thing I can say is be very proud of the fact that you would never do that, that you have manners, that you are kind and decent . Studies have shown ghosting someone is also damaging for the ghoster. Cause deep down they know they are wrong ( not to use curse words )
          And you can always write here where people struggle with the same issues and same pain.
          He should have treated you so so differently but it says all about him, and nothing about you.

        • Hi Anxious Soul, when I was first dating, I had one particular person who mentally and emotionally always had one foot out the door. When we quit dating, he would periodically show up when he was upset with the latest. He acted as if we should just pick up like nothing happened. Had to explain not happening…

          Definitely your person is an avoidant and all was too intense? No excuse. That is so cruel after everything you went through to just ignore your question. Coming and going type people or people who want it all on their terms only are crazy making! Vent away!

        • Anxious, I am so sorry for your trauma and how you must have felt so alone. It is helping me so much to hear these stories, and to focus on what my instinct was already telling me: LOs behavior was disrespectful. When I called him out on it and tried to go NC he would say that’s not the way it is, and I would feel relief. Now that he has ghosted I know my instincts were right.

      • Sorry for laughing but aren’t we all trying to move on? Wish it were so easy. I’m considering Hypnosis when covid lifts. For real.

        • Hey Anxious. I had hypnotherapy with a very experienced lovely therapist. It was very good and I learned so much about the mind and it’s helped my confidence in so many ways. It also made me see the positives in my life which I was blinkered too. I am now much more positive about myself and can manage my anxiety much better. HOWEVER, with regards to limerence it did not help. This was over 12 months ago and now I feel I am finally in the process of detaching! My advice would be a counsellor, they will help you explore you feelings, your past, what unhelpful beliefs you hold deep in your subconscious that keep you attached. I feel it would be beneficial to me to talk opening and freely about limerence with a person who gives empathy without judgement. I felt like I had to say my opinion with this as my therapist believes we have self control and that we (LO and I) could be friends as long as I controlled my thinking. It didn’t work.

    • Have you ever looked up Amy young and her mantra Mondays ? She is briljant.
      She will spell things out for us limerent girls.
      ” Genuine focus and genuine interest or nothing “.
      You don’t really need to know the exact why of a not so genuine focused man.

    • Christ this is intermittent reward at its best. Through you a bone and then leave you hanging. Bugger that! Find your strength to let go. I feel I am at this stage I’m letting the pain wash over me and allowing me to experience it in order to let go. Im sad but weirdly I feel ok that finally this is the right thing to do.

  19. When we decide to go no contact with our LOs, wonder if they think we are the ghosters?

    I told him I don’t want to hang out. I don’t want to be friends anymore. Told him that I needed to move on with my life. But he didn’t respect my wishes and tried to pretend like I never said it. Why?

    So, am I the asshole for not responding?

    • Nope

      Boundaries are only as strong as you make them. You have to be able to set and enforce them. Think about it, what do boundaries do? They control access. There are physical boundaries and there are emotional boundaries but they essentially do the same thing. They control access and influence is proportional to access.

      As for why, who knows? I respect boundaries but that doesn’t mean I didn’t test them. People don’t always say what they mean. At the extreme, some people are like the Velociraptors in “Jurassic Park,” they just keep hammering away until they find a weak spot.

      • That’s true. To be honest, I slipped a few times and didn’t hold firm to my boundaries. Mostly because I didn’t want to be rude, but also because I didn’t want to hurt him either. I realize that behavior probably sent mixed signals, and now that I’m back on track, he probably thinks I’m a jerk, which I probably am. . . .

        I’m not sure if it is an ego boost, or what. But he rejected me in the worst way possible, so. . . .maybe? Every interaction with him in the past four years has made me walk away in tears and heartbreak. Forcing a friendship doesn’t seem like a healthiest thing in the wake of romantic rejection. He probably thinks he’s doing me a favor by being “nice”.

        At some point, I think we just need to acknowledge that a relationship with these kinds of highs and lows is toxic and the only solution is to walk away.

        • Ouch. That stings. And you know what’s worse? My LO is the worst type of an avoidant personality there is. Way to get through life. They just detach by casual indifference. I read somewhere that ghosting is emotional abuse and I shrugged it off then thinking it was an exaggeration. Now I’m starting to think there’s something to it. The ghosters just don’t care and that hurts just as much.

    • Did you send the farewell message before going silent? Imho, that is always the right thing to do.

  20. Anxious_Soul,
    Well, you can hijack the “sting” into detaching, then healing. You can now allow yourself permission to move on. It takes a lot of courage to give up on a thing longed for, but ultimately it brings great satisfaction and a boost to your own self esteem. I ghosted LO in a sense, by going NC, but it was self defense, self survival. I wouldn’t think too deeply about the ghosting, I would just take it as a parting gift, and view it as a launching pad to a much better, authentic life.

  21. Hmmm. A parting gift you say? That’s an interesting way to look at it. But deep down, all of us on here know you are correct. When the ghoster leaves you no choice but to accept they’re done with you, no matter how excruciatingly painful it is, one ought to stop asking for answers, if only to preserve one’s dignity. I am very self conscious when it comes to being perceived as “desperate”, so I’d rather suffer in silence than keep reaching out. In no way I think my situation is all that unique if I try to think about it objectively, but what hurts the most is that LO doesn’t seem to ve affected by my pain at all. I was rejected as a dating prospect after a physical relationship (both single) that lasted years after I’ve finally confronted with the cliche of “where is this going?”, was promptly offered friendship, followed by my admission to an accidental pregnancy years prior, he thanked me for my disclosure, invited to a concert, paid for damn concert tix, I asked to define the “friendship” and then was ghosted. If that’s not the ultimate mindfuck, I don’t know what is. Thanks for letting me recycle this story on here again. Just typing it out brings temporary relief. Bottom line: do some people just pretend to give a shit about the feelings of others? I really don’t think my LO is a narc or sociopath. That’s why I struggle.

    • Me: “I never detected the faintest hint of regret or remorse in LO #2.”

      Therapist: “Because there wasn’t any.”

      • Did your therapist explain why? I’m overly analytical like that. Kill me now.

        • I’ll try to give you some kind of response. A complete response would be really long and outside the scope to LwL. Even the short version is pretty long.

          Around 2007-2008, my marriage was really strained. I started revisiting my decisions in life, especially those about LO #2. What actually kind of kicked the snowball off the hill was I read an article about the emotional trauma some women who have abortions experience. LO #2 claimed to have had an abortion 8 years before I met her and some of what it described fit LO #2. That led to more general research into trauma. My first “breakthrough” was Dr. Marion Solomon’s book, “Healing Trauma.” I started writing a history of my relationship with LO #2. It went over 12 pages.
          I have a friend who knew LO #2 when we were dating. She and her husband are two of my dearest friends. She went on to get her LCSW credentials. I sent her an email asking if I sent her something, would she read it and let me know what she thought. I did and about 3 days later, I got an email back, “We need to talk.”

          We set up a time and that day I took the dog for a very long walk. When I called the first thing my friend said was, “Have you tried to contact her?” (No) “Do you know where she is? (Yes).

          She went on, “I never thought that relationship was very good for you but I never knew you were involved in anything like this.” I asked her, “Like what?” She said, “What you’ve described in some places in almost clinical detail is a trauma survivor exhibiting symptoms of PTSD and NPD. I’d bet lunch she was abused or molested as a child and from the way you describe her family, her mother knew about it. You were in way over your head. You were lucky she didn’t marry you.”

          We had several long talks. She said the history was interesting because my mother pops up in several places. She also said that I never blamed LO #2 and I knew I had a role in all this. She said I didn’t understand the role but I knew I had one. My friend said it wasn’t that I didn’t see what was happening. She said I saw things very clearly but had no idea what I was looking at. She said, “You were very good for her. You provided the structure and consistency she needed. You did an excellent job managing her but you’d have done it forever and eventually it would have worn you down.”

          We talked about LO #2’s statement about not being able to control me and she thought one day, I’d take off on her. My friend said that was a confession and everything I needed to know about that relationship was in that paragraph. When I understood that, things would fall into place. She recommended I find a local therapist to work through this with.

          As part of trying to keep everything together, I worked with one. A lot of my personal time was analyzing my history with LO #2. That therapist said, “You’ve convinced me she’s a borderline, quit trying to convince yourself that she isn’t.” A characteristic of NPD and BPD is a lack of remorse even when you explain things to them. Borderlines don’t understand your feelings and narcissists don’t care about your feelings. I later worked with one or two other therapists to understand how I got into all this and why I respond the way I do. That eventually led me here. It was that therapist that said, “Because there wasn’t any.”

          I worked on a project with a PhD psychologist whose job it was to try identify spies. He was scary smart. We’d talk about LO #2 at lunch. He said it sure sounded like she was a Cluster B and said, “Give me have an hour with her, two at the most, and I’ll tell you what she is.” I told him that was neither possible nor desirable.

          So, pretty much every therapist I worked with labeled LO #2 as having a PD. Based on that, there probably wasn’t any regret or remorse and I doubt she’d demonstrate any should we ever encounter each other.

          You asked.

  22. My LO went yesterday. I don’t know how I feel. A real mix of emotions, relieved, sad that it’s the end and happy that it’s coming to a end. Feel as though this is this void which he has left. I know I need to keep plodding on until the limerence is gone. It just feels like an anti climax! I’m rubbish at endings and I struggle to let go at the best of times.

    • It’s done, he’s gone… finally. It’s totally normal to have these mixed feelings all at once. You’re not sure what you should feel right now. But you know what? Take a deep breath and do some mindfulness training. Be aware of how it feels to feel. Do you have a knot in your stomach? Do you feel tired? Exhausted? Just focus on WHAT you feel for a moment and not WHY you feel it. No need for rumination to find explanations.

      You’ll start to notice a positive change the next few days and you’ll feel invigorated to finally walk towards your limerence freedom! 🙂

      I’m glad he’s gone!

      • Thanks Sarah! It’s so weird.
        I will be doing lots of mindfulness and sitting with my uncomfortable feelings. I wish things were normal re covid19 so I could see more people but I’ll find my own happiness in the simple things.

        • Rachel-
          I’m really happy for you, even as I’m sorry you’re in pain. You said something recently about feeling like a part of you Is dying. I can understand that, and I am still somewhat in that process myself. It occurred to me- thinking about you- that the part that is dying is a sick and suffering part, and after it does die you will be healthier for it: like sweating out a fever. What a huge gift you’ve been given that he’s moved. There were times when my LO would be gone on trips- I would absolutely dread it and miss him- but there was also a part of me that would start to relax inside. I wouldn’t be looking for him, I wouldn’t wonder if I was going to run into him, or look forward to hearing from him. I knew he wouldn’t be climbing with us…. it was like my mind and heart would quiet a bit. This is what I trust will happen for you. It’s done. Moving forward is just getting used to a new freedom. That’s true for all of us, I think, if we decide for it.

        • Im happy for me too in this weird sort of way. It’s crazy how somebody can be such a big part of your life then, poof gone and that’s it. I see now that it will be ok I just need to get myself back.
          I’m so looking forward to the anxiety subsiding. Like you I worry about bumping into him or I get triggered if I walk past his house. That i will not miss. Hopefully we will both be healthier after truly moving on. It’s exhausting! Thanks Jayne

    • Brava Rachel!!!! He’s physically moved. Now comes the work of moving him out of your head and heart. You’re half way there and going strong!

  23. From my experience, it’s very wrong trying to avoid the pain of detachment. It’s just a delaying. And it’s getting worse. I just had to go THROUGH the pain, like that time I was badly hurt in car accident and had to make first, excruciating painful steps during recovery.
    It’s just a same if you are being ghosted,if you’re going NC and so on. Feel the pain, ask for help, hug yourself. First steps are the worst.

  24. This post describes almost exactly how my last LE ended, except I think my case was actually much worse. I was already smitten by an LO I worked with, who was an extraordinarily talented flirt, before she took over the small department I worked in. I even thought she might be taking over my department to get more face time with me! When I would send her a text, she usually ignored it, but, by the end, we were communicating rather freely. (Freely, by my standards) Then she turned me in to management, claiming harassment. The next day, I was summarily terminated from my job, never to be seen or heard from again, and never saw her or anyone else I worked with ever again (with one exception, see below) – I was metaphorically thrown over the edge of the Earth.

    Here it is over a year later, and I still have no clue what that woman actually thought of me. To add insult to injury, my neighbor that lives ten feet across the hall from me, still has some contact with LO at work. The other day, I simply asked him if she (LO) was still in charge of the department I used to work in. He hesitated for several seconds, and then replied “You need to tread carefully”, without elaborating, and I didn’t ask anything more.

    • Assuming your texts to her were appropriate, that sounds weird. For her to go from “friendly flirt” to reporting you to management sounds like she had a true nasty streak in her, one that your limerence wouldn’t let you see. And then for people to tell you to “tread carefully”… it’s almost like she was trying to find a reason to badmouth you to people to justify how she got rid of you. Of course, LEs feel so innocent on our part that we can never imagine that we were overstepping boundaries.

      But no judgment from me. My first two LOs were horrible people, but I was infatuated by them and refused to let myself see it. When the claws came out with the first one, I was too dumb to realize it; I was young… 20 years old. I was 27 when the second LO bared her claws, and by that age I had more respect for myself and my 3-year LE with her just evaporated overnight.

      I had nearly a similar thing happen to me that happened to you. But in this case, this young woman wasn’t anywhere near an LO in my mind. She was a younger woman I worked with who I bonded with because we were from the same small town. For the first four months after she arrived at the company, we’d talk about life, I would offer her career advice and promote her to the executives, and occasionally she would push the boundaries with the sex talk. But I was careful with that. One night I texted her and asked how she was doing. The next day she texted back and said if I didn’t leave her alone, she would report me to HR. What a shock, because I honestly thought we were friends; I had no interest in her at all. I texted back and said I was sorry for bothering her, and then proceeded to delete every contact I had for her and every online interaction we had. I deleted her out of my life. When I saw her the following day, I apologized again and she gave me an annoyed and non-honest smile and said, “It’s okay.” And that was the last time I initiated any non-work conversation with her. For the next six months I was at that company, I avoided her and I wouldn’t be alone with her.

      What was strange was that after maybe 6 weeks she seemed to be surprised that I was making no efforts to re-establish a connection with her. The power that she seemed to gain by thinking she “put this older stalker guy in his place” seemed to change to the embarrassment of “this older man has removed me from his life.” At the very end she seemed bitter and mad at me for ignoring her.

      It’s almost like she had expected me to chase her and grovel like I was interested in her, and when I cut her out of my life, I took those bragging rights from her. What’s interesting is that there are several younger women (simply coworkers, not even platonic) who have done similar things to me, as in doing or saying something wildly inappropriate to me, and then getting mad when I didn’t want to be around them anymore.

      • @Matt – I’ve had the exact same thing with some younger female coworkers in recent years. LO being the extreme example, but even aside from her there have been other examples.

        There is a girl at the moment (25, I’m 40) who approached me for career advice last year. We’ve had a few coffees, lunches etc. and we swap messages on the internal chat and social media after she added me. She does this push-pull thing where she’ll either be a little suggestive, open up a bit too much, or perhaps just after a long string of back and forth messages, where she’ll then just pull away and go silent.

        There was one a few months back where we were messaging on a Friday night on social media, and she left my last message unread. We’re both at work the next week, but I don’t initiate contact and neither does she. Then we walk past each other in the corridor one day and I give it the big smile and “how are you?” so as to look like I don’t care about the text. Within minutes, she’s read the message, liked it and responded…. so weird. Another example a few weeks back she messaged me saying we should get drunk together when lockdown ends, I reply saying “sure thing” and then she goes silent for a week!

        I’m not sure its a power thing necessarily. Both her and LO had daddy issues for sure and I suspect on some level they crave the comfort of an older male looking out for them, but they stop themselves going too far because us older guys are unavailable. Or there’s maybe an embarrassment that they’ve gone too far with someone so senior to them, so they leave it for a while, but eventually miss the feeling and go back again. So confusing…

        • It’s good to hear another grown man saying he’s experienced the same thing. It’s like the younger women want validation from older men, and they get pissy when they don’t get it.

          And it’s always, always, ALWAYS the same type of young woman – under 25 or so, and single. The married ones, the lesbian ones, and the ones with kids have never done this to me. I’ve had three women under 25 do or say something very inappropriate to me at my job in the last three years, and two of them I never really spoke to.

          From an objective perspective, it’s obvious this woman you work with is interested in you. “Let’s get drunk”? We all know that’s code for “let’s put ourselves in a situation where our inhibitions are lowered and we can blame what we do on the alcohol.” Heck, I’ve used the same line and have had the same line used on me. Of course, it’d be safer to stroll through Chernobyl than be a married man getting hammered alone with his cute 20-something coworker.

          And I’ll add – doesn’t it suck that as we men get older, the younger women all start to look beautiful? That doesn’t help when we want to say no.

    • Actually , it was so bad, it was so surreal, that I still have not been able to fully appreciate just how bad it was. In my pathetic limerent mind, she got me fired so we could pursue a relationship outside of work — I’m still patiently waiting for an invitation to meet up.

  26. “This fear may be especially powerful for those with an anxious attachment style, or those with insecurity about their attractiveness or romantic prospects. Feelings of helplessness as LO drifts away cause panic, and a desperate attempt to re-establish some control by re-establishing contact.”
    This resonates. I’ve been on the edge of re-establishing contact with LO. Reaching out to see if he’s ok during this lockdown. (Good excuse). It has been 2.5 years since we sort of dated on and off for much of 2017. Mostly long distance. 2 years since we last talked about meeting up, then didn’t as he just never got back to me with a date (ghosted). Just over a year since we met in the street, he with his grown step-son. He didn’t seem to want to leave, but didn’t follow-up.. He doesn’t often live here, but when he’s home I drive near to his house to catch a sense of him. I know that’s so pathetic, but it is like an addiction and somehow soothes me enough. Therapy told me that was ok. The therapist also encouraged me to get in touch with him that last time. Therapy is bloody dangerous! It didn’t help at all ultimately, this site is better.
    On the positive, I do not think of him all the time anymore, not even every day. I heard that he’s changing jobs and moving overseas in September. So yes there’s a sense of losing even the crumb of connection that I have and the slim chance of seeing him. I guess that’s also influencing this urge to get in touch. That feeling of helplessness and panic as LO drifts away. The crumbs were enough. The finality of him being completely out of any kind of reach feels overwhelming. And yet, it has got better. And yet, if I get in touch I fear that he may start to camp in my head all over again and it may take years to get back to where I am now.
    It’s strange isn’t it, how none of this is real. Just thoughts, which have taken on a life of their own! I don’t think getting in touch will change anything in reality. It will just continue to make me feel inadequate and bad about myself. For a short time this person made me feel so alive and I’ve held on to the embers of that, in the absence of alternatives. Pouring it all out here has really helped me think it through. As Dr L so wisely says, the answer is living a purposeful life. LO is just a way of putting that off. A crutch. Fear maybe. So, I will not get in touch. I’ll focus all that energy on purposeful living instead.

  27. This article and the story of G really resonate with me, because I experienced almost exactly the same with my LO in the past few months. Including the intense physical pain of withdrawal, panic and depression when he gradually lost interest and started to ignore me.
    I never told anybody about my limerence, because I did not even know what was happening to me and I did not have the words to describe these intense, all-consuming feelings. And in part also because I am deeply ashamed of this irrational state and confusion that I am in.
    This site and your stories help me to cope. Thank you!!

    • Welcome, Calvinia. It is amazing how much of a relief it is to no longer have to hold all that intensity in, wondering if you are going mad, eh?

      There are a good number of us dancing to the same mad tune!

  28. After I finally disclosed to LO, she rejected me by saying that, although not serious, she was already with someone else and apologized for leading me in, while talking about remaining as friends. I immediately sent her a text appreciating her honesty, telling her that she shouldn’t feel sorry for anything, that the mistake was in my part, and that I wouldn’t mind hanging out as friends once I had some time to cool off (yeah, I know, not the wisest of decisions, that last one).
    It’s been almost a week and the message isn’t even marked as seen.
    I don’t want to think of it as something malicious, but either way this article has helped a lot in reframing this situation. I’ve got an exam the 18th of this month, and she knows it. I’m curious about if she’ll remember and send me a text wishing me luck, or something. But it will probably be for the best if she doesn’t. Better excuse for going NC definitely on her.

    • @Benjamin…it certainly must feel like your LO has dumped ice cold water on your head when you had just disclosed something so tender and hopeful and she didn’t even open the text. So sorry! When I disclosed mine gave me an ambiguous answer and then immediately made plans to see me and bought me my favorite chocolate, etc and showered me with thoughtfulness and attention. Talk about confusing! It led to a LE that lasted for years and unimaginable agony. I know your LO seems harsh and thoughtless but now you have the luxury of feeling like you can go NC immediately, rather than taking years to do it (which was my ridiculous experience). She actually did you a favor (even though I know it’s horrible right now! ).

      • Well, the ghosting happened immediately after she sent me her rejection text, so I feel more like she chucked the message and then run away. She apologized for being direct but didn’t like “playing games”. So who knows, maybe what she is doing is her way to help me deal with the rejection…

        She certainly was a confusing one, never initiating, always answering late, even pseudo ghosting me once (but very sorry about it once I asked her what happened). However, once she and I started talking, she always acted friendly. I mean, I’m not that dumb, I can see when someone is trying to get me off their back as quickly as possible, and she didn’t seem to act that way. Maybe the crux of the matter was the asymmetry of our relationship: for her, I was just some random dude she met by chance; for me, she was The One to Break The Loveless Curse.

        But yeah, I know it’s for the best. Certainly I prefer one hundred times a thoughtless LO that someone who acts as confusingly as yours did, Jaideaux.

        • It is for the best. If your LO would remember the exam it would just leave the uncertainty wide open (she thinks about my exam, so she thinks about me, that means she likes me a little bit, maybe if it doesn’t work out with this other guy, she may turn to me…). My LO kept being like that while chasing after a new LO of his. He said with that he continued to shoe he cares about me, however to me it feels like he just kept me on the string for a little bit longer…

        • @Benjamin

          I have to agree with what Jaideux and Sarah say, and, based upon what you’ve mentioned, it sounds like her rejection of a relationship with you also included dumping you as a friend without you realizing it. It’s quite a saddening situation due to your desire to maintain the friendship if you can and that, if she has truly dropped you, it was done without her telling you outright, leaving you with the uncertainty as to whether or not you’re still friends or not.

          It may be easier in the long run, if she has truly dropped you as a friend, with helping you get over your limerence, but, as someone who is going through my 4th LE and in the midst of seeing said LO move, withdrawal isn’t exactly a fun experience to go through, especially as abrupt as this one. You have my utmost sympathy and hope, regardless of what happens, you’re able to move on from this situation.

      • Amen to that. My LO told me he loved me and chased me for 8 months, than started to give mixed messages in corona time when we could not see each other for months and I pulled the plug, more because I could not handle my feelings, leaving me in a horrible shimer / grey / land of hope, where I am in war with myself 24-7 about yes or no seeing LO and giving us another chance, sometimes I wished he closed the door on me so I could move on, But I closed it, so I want to open it, all the time. It costst me a lot of energy and work and willpower not to open it.
        So like Jaideaux said it feels horrible but at least this is a clean cut and you can move on. Im afraid mine is not played out yet and will take indeed another year ore more. Not something im looking foreward too.

        • I even think sometimes that all the therapy im doing right now, to work on my anxciety attachment style , im not doing it for me, but to get better so I can handle and cope with LO.
          thats my limerent / craving for attachment brain is trying to organise. I have to stay aware of that. And it shocks me, the force the power and endless energie limerence seems to have.

        • I sometimes wonder if I should reach out to LO and just check in and say hi (and stay at friendly distance)… and then again, I think there is no point doing that, and if I am completely honest what I am actually craving is to know if he ever thinks of me. I quickly remind myself though that he discarded me to chase after another LO (who now has a new bf as facebook has told me, damn you social media) and with that news I also saw that my LO and his LO are no longer friends on fb. Therefore, I conclude, my LO most likely thinks of her, not me, and that shuts down my need to reach out to him fairly quickly.

        • I went NC in July 2019, have seen him at a company charity event in August (conscious decision to go knowing he’d be there as I support the cause of the event), but it resulted in a relapse for me in terms of rumination, so back to NC after that. Seen him once more early November after which I made clear to him I do not want to be friends (other than colleagues, as at the moment we do not have to deal with each other professionally and do not bump into each other, but it is possible that that changes down the line, you never know, so I kinda want to stay neutral and friendly if we ever have to deal with each other again). Received a text from him to gratulate me on a professional achievement in Feb 20, and he sent a text to congratulate my kids birthday in June. Friendly, neutral conversations happened with with each text from him but I kept it short.
          It’s quite a long story and when I found this website I was in the midst of the limerence fog, thinking that I could be (best) friends with LO to keep him in my life in some capacity.

        • Thanks, Rachel. It really is night and day since I started to find this website.

          How are you doing?

        • Amazing! It’s complete madness. I feel really good thank you. Feels like more than a few weeks since LO left. I’ve had some downs but mainly I feel great. I think I was going through withdrawal before he actually went becuase I’m surprised how ok I am. I have got curious and checked social media once or twice but lately I haven’t felt the urge. So all in all I’m pretty damn good thanks to you, Dr L and many others from this site 😊.

    • Haha, thank you Scharnhorst!!! You have actually Gibbs slapped me before. Very needed.

      • So proud of all of us. It takes a lot of strength and adultass to pull this off.

        • If I can get past this then I’m pretty sure anybody can! It takes some time but I am now focussing on myself and pursing new things. In some way limerence has pushed me to do some amazingly positive things, which are life changing.

        • Hi Mia
          Soo many relapses it was an absolute joke. Sometime I thought I should accept that I would be like this forever. I have been doing concentrating on my self in a big though. Reading, new career, spending time with friends and lots of reflecting. I can not say I feel indifferent to LO but his appeal is shrinking as I’m becoming more emotionally stronger. Towards the end I believed I hate to move on somehow for my own self respect.
          From reading your posts Mia, it sounds to me your are much stronger than you think. I do not know how long it take to recover but just keep working on you and maintaing NC and the light starts to appear.

        • Thank you Rachel, for your kind words. I’m focusing on me, I’m letting in all the feelings, all the pain, the shame, the absolute boredom, the embarrassment. The agitation (my colleague ate with his mouth open breathing loudly I wanted to strangle him) I tell it it’s welcome. I don’t distract and I don’t numb. I feel.
          but sometimes I think I do all this healing work to be able to be with LO one day. (I hope this crazy idea will fade eventually). I feel super down this week probably because I started regression therapy. That would mean it’s working. Or I’m just in the sad grief periode again. Wanting to relapse but not wanting it.
          Anyway, I know better days will come again. I just try not to strangle people along the way and take it one day at a time. Healing work is not easy, I know. But I have no choice, I have to.
          Thanks to everyone here for sharing simulator story’s and feelings. Xxx

        • Yes, unfortunately there’s so easy way through healing. You should be proud of your self for your drive and strength to get better. It sounds as though a life full of colour and peace is ahead of you. You should be excited for the new healed you.

        • Thank you Rachel, I can’t wait to meet here.
          What helps a little to keep NC. Is telling myself, this is my proces, nothing to do with LO, I don’t even want him interfering in my process, it’s mine. And it began way before I even knew LO.
          Xxx

    • @Scharnhorst

      An excellent clip and something I had to give myself a couple of days ago! Late last week, with my emotions in turmoil over LO4’s impending departure, I’ve been looking up my former LOs to see what they’re up to these days and how their lives are progressing.

      Everything was fine when looking up LOs 1 & 2; but then, when looking up LO3, I came across a social media profile for one of their siblings. Scrolling through their feed without much thought, I then saw a picture of them with LO3. A crazy impulse then entered my mind that I should begin following said sibling in the hopes of LO3 noticing. It was the first time I had had anything resembling limerent-type thoughts about LO3 since they rejected me 4 years ago and the possibility of any sort of friendship with them, ending that LE in the process.

      Anyway, I didn’t act on the impulse, but the urge continued until I had to slap myself upside the head a couple days later and voice out loud why it was such an incredibly stupid and bad idea, reminding myself precisely the circumstances about why my LE with LO3 ended, their rejection, and why all our interactions in the run-up to me moving were very basic politeness and nothing more. Needless to say, that slapping has been enough to break said impulse and I stopped my research after that.

      It’s not something I care to repeat, mind you, but with what I’m going through, it’s likely I’m a bit more vulnerable to these crazy impulses. At least I exercised the restraint I needed to prevent doing something that I would regret.

  30. This actually happened to me – I was ghosted by LO. To be honest, in the short term, it did make my limerent symptoms worse. No one likes rejection, regardless of form. I had depression and anxiety for a long time. However, in the extremely long term, it was a blessing, as the article suggests.

    Limerence thrives on uncertainty. My LO unknowingly did me a favour by removing all uncertainty. However, it took a while for my brain to catch up and accept this. The removal of all hope was EXACTLY my brain needed to move on. In hindsight, I believe LO had zero awareness of my feelings. So that’s one embarrassing conversation I never had to have. It all worked out for the best.

    • Hi Sam,

      I’m Chicster and I’m a limerant.

      I am in a second marriage with my SO#2 after I ended my SO#1 marriage due to some of the consequences of his infidelity. SO#2 has been wonderful yet challenging, and we have been to counseling and worked through what are mostly my unmet expectations. I am here on this site to take more responsibility for my choices and consequences and hopefully find some healing from my LE.

      Two months ago I received a very short direct message from a friend of a family member that sparked the LE hell I’m in now. This LO was a potential LO from the first time I met him years ago. He was in a relationship at that time, and I was finalizing my divorce from SO#1, but my family member told me he always thought potential LO and I would like each other if we ever met. This comment had always stuck in my head because of how much value I place on how well my family member knows me. Ah—the glimmer! Surely he knew something cosmic about the potential LO and me that I needed to find out! But in the years that passed this potential LO and I exchanged only friendly banter.

      The first night of the LE, LO told me via DM that he had always been attracted to me, gave me loads of compliments and told me he regretted not kissing me when he had the chance (whenever that would have been.) He then apologized for hitting on me, said he had been drinking and is going through a divorce. What a fantastic opportunity to turn and run!! I confessed to SO#2 and a close friend that I had received an alluring message from the LO and that I had enjoyed it. I was was more broken over the fact that I couldn’t have the LO than I was to tell my SO#2 and concern or hurt him.

      Words of affirmation, especially for me with enormous pride, an unhealthy desire to be beautiful and being over 40, were too hard to resist. The LE days after are a blur but involved EA and an attempt at PA. I kept no record of our conversations. LO gave me daily and frequent attention, and I said and did things extremely out of character for me, even things I don’t do with SO#2. But when we met in person it was not as glorious as I had fantasized. He ghosted the next day in the sense that he went from hot to icey in only a moment.

      Having an acute fear of rejection coupled with anxiety/depression disorders one can imagine how well I am responding to this, especially considering our face-to-face meeting was the longest we had ever spent together and involved me making an attempt at PA to which he responded in kind but I then stopped in tears because of the risk involved and my lack of confidence/communication. I have attempted for 5 days to rouse energy from LO that he used to have, looking for relief from my fear of rejection. He finally declined contact with me with an apology and a lukewarm gesture of friendship.

      The pain I have experienced in the last 5 days has been excruciating, and the last two months have been a fog of elation, sadness, and extreme anxiety. Last night I told my SO#2 that I was unhappy, and this morning told him all of the wonderful things about him and that I need counseling. I know I might be judged here, but today I am choosing not to confess the extent of my LE to SO#2.

      I’ve removed all apps/contacts/pictures that remind and connected me to LO, and my question is:

      Is it difficult to maintain NC when you still have some delusion that LO will reappear? Although it is incredibly inappropriate, hugely risky, very hurtful and inconvenient as hell, I keep wondering if LO will change his mind and that by NC I will miss it. I realize this is the LE doing its dark magic on my brain.

      My other question is about anxious attachment. I had a pattern in childhood/adolescence of making my father proud of me then feeling horrible anxiety/low self-worth when disappointing him and spending mental/emotional energy to get him back to approving of me again. I have had, I think, 4 LOs and I am wondering if this childhood pattern has anything to do with that. I married SO#2 during a LE, and incidentally, I still struggle with allowing my father to hold the key to my happiness.

      They say every time one shares his story that a part of him heals. Thank you for reading, for the grace, and for this platform!

      • “we have been to counseling and worked through what are mostly my unmet expectations.”
        “I know I might be judged here, but today I am choosing not to confess the extent of my LE to SO#2.”

        Why not?

        “I am here on this site to take more responsibility for my choices and consequences…”

        This is also a frequently stated goal of therapy. Hiding important information from your SO#2 is potentially explosive in the future if it ever slips out. SO#2 may be keenly resentful of being Plan Backup, particularly if he didn’t act upon impulses or other intimate opportunities (after legal separation or divorce, preferably).

        “I have had, I think, 4 LOs and I am wondering if this childhood pattern has anything to do with that.”

        Quite possibly.

        “I married SO#2 during a LE, and incidentally, I still struggle with allowing my father to hold the key to my happiness.”

        “We have met the enemy and he is us.”
        ― Walt Kelly

      • I won’t answer the attachment question, as that’s for a professional therapist to say.

        On your first question though, yes NC will be one of the hardest things you do. In your case it sounds like it’s been somewhat thrust upon you, so you haven’t been able to prepare and plan and you’re still in some shock.

        I went NC over a year and a half ago and I still find myself wondering if she’ll get in touch. But initially it was all I could think of. Every text, every social media notification that came through, every girl on the street that looked vaguely like her… maybe this is her?

        It was such a contradiction. I’d made a positive move to go NC, to save my sanity, marriage, family. Yet here was my mind willing to risk it all again. Maybe NC will make her realise what she’s missing and she’ll come crawling back? What would I say? Etc.

        It will die down eventually. NC + deleting everything about LO + time = success. But don’t underestimate that last bit, it will take time. There’s no quick fix and your willpower will be tested. But it’s worth being free of that hell.

        • I was not NC successful today, but LO certainly made it very plain that he is separating himself from this situation and promptly blocked me. I feel turned inside out. I don’t understand how this pain is survivable.

  31. I have never really participated in an online forum, and I must say the anonymity softens the blow of the hard truth only finitely. Ouch. Thank you for the feedback.

    • You will survive Chicster, I remember asking people on this forum if I could die. I had stomach cramps and cry sessions with hyperventilating in primal fear so severe I thought my body would not take it. But body’s and minds can take a lot, your hormones are trying to get back in balance. Your brain is healing, unfortunately that comes with discomfort to say the least.
      I had the luxury that I lived alone most of the time so I could cry and scream and roll on the floor if I wanted to. Telling myself to take the pain. It must be hard to have SO and kids around. I know it doesn’t help you when we say it does get better, but it does. You will survive and get stronger, every day.

      • Thank you so much Mia. The pain of loss is more acute than the pain of EA/SC guilt and shame at this stage which baffles and concerns me as someone’s SO and person I thought had morals. I don’t know what I’m gonna do.

        • Chicster, you are not a bad person! Addiction and hormones who want to reproduce don’t give a *** about morals. I remember I thought I was becoming a psychopath, I did not care about anyone anymore except LO ( well I didn’t care about him either I just wanted my fix) I had no compassion for others I would have sold my mother. I was shocked by the lack of conscience I had, while normally I’m a pretty caring person.
          You are not yourself right now, your addiction is raging, and in my case my anxiety and attachment style thought I would die without LO, and when in death fear, survival panic, ( that lasted a few months) nature doesn’t care about morals, it just wants to survive.
          So don’t read in the moral aspect of your thoughts too much.
          Doesn’t mean you can not choose from what you find important.
          Even though I did not feel any love for anyone else but LO I decided to go NC because I wanted to be a good mum without these moodswings. And im becoming myself again.
          So as long as you don’t actually hurt anyone don’t be too hard on yourself about what goes on in your mind.
          No one has to know.

  32. Mia I am grateful for the addiction aspect explanation as I’ve only now learned that’s what I’m dealing with and it’s about more than making an executive choice. I have been “good” my whole life, with many flaws that have been graciously forgiven by so many. And this giant step outside of my norm and apart from anything I would consider appropriate while with a SO is sending my anxiety and survival state into massive alarm. I have had outbursts with the children and feel as though my lid could flip at any moment. I believe auto-pilot is in order now, and thankfully SO is working and I can cry in the bathroom. Your progress gives me hope.

    • Chicster, This video helped me so much in the early stages, it describes exactly how I felt, cracked upen, so overwhelmed by the while thing all I could do was surrender. I hope it will help you too.
      Ask anything you want here on this forum

      https://youtu.be/W-nQWVcBMRI

  33. I will watch this now Mia, and the question I have right now is impossible to answer:

    What does LO think of me after my daily attempts to make contact after LO went cold? Since I am now blocked I am left to imagine the worst—does he think I’m crazy? Or is he aware of my addiction? Will he tell our friends and family what he thinks? I am truly a very typical member of society with a steady stable job, family and reputation. I don’t think he ever cared to know any of that though.

    I’m so very hurt when I have glimpses in my memory of the overt compliments he used to give me. I know it’s not showing much personal responsibility to say “why me,” but LO going from hot to cold has left me devastated and so confused. The better question might be, why did I believe him in the first place?

    This touches on a huge issue for me which is my prideful vanity and deep desire to have approval, be perceived as beautiful and a to be a rescuer. I believed LOs overflowing compliments so I could believe all those things might be true, and I gave him credibility because of how close a family member is to him which was from where the glimmer originated. All selfish reasons to be in a LE, but also helps me understand that LO probably isn’t cosmically sent my way, but is a very flawed human who likely doesn’t remotely care what is happening to me.

    • Yeah, it’s human to want compliments, love, attention, feeling secure, I know I gladly submerged in LOS personality and compliments. There is nothing wrong with that.
      It was not the right person ( also giving the fact you are unavailable) but never be embarrassed because you love.
      And your body did what it does, give off a load of hormones. Hurray we have functioning body’s .
      Of course you don’t know what LO thinks now, but in time people tend to forget how the other pleated or begged, we all know what love can do. So of course he doesn’t think you are actually crazy, but he probably wants to detach. LO s can feel trapped by us ( even if it was them who did all the chasing ) because we come on too strong in our need for… something.
      We objectify our LOs , we don’t even want them we NEED them, and that feels scarry for the other.
      But again, I forgave myself for my behaviour, im proud that I love, I just will love a little more carefully and slowly next time . ❤️

      • What a gracious and hugely helpful response, Allie, thank you. I have channeled the renewed energy that would have been (thankfully wasn’t!) given to LO in a PA to my SO since I have been so sharply reminded that, yes, I have a functioning body with hormones! This is very reassuring to me and beneficial to my marriage.

        I also think I could live with the theory that LO is wanting to detach. It is the fear of rejection that has been choking the life out of me. Since I have become aware of how significant affirmation is to helping me feel loved and connected and thereby more reciprocal I am more intentional about asking for it from my SO. The benefit of a ghosting, hot-then-cold LO is that my SO is looking like a champion of commitment and character in comparison and someone I’m humbled to undeservedly have. I told him yesterday the reasons I loved him and why he is a wonderful SO. And I meant it. I think (hope) as limerants we know this is possible during a LE because of what we know about cognitive dissonance. All part of the madness.

        • What also helped me is realising, the love, the warm feeling, the super caring nice feelings came from within me.
          LO did not cut me open and put them there, they just bounced of on him in this case, but they really only came from within me, so they will be there again ( in a less anxious way is my goal). And I’m looking forward to love again with my new boundaries, my new self asteem ( I’m not coming after you, I know my worth).
          🙂

        • No pro, Alie is very helpfull too on this site. 🙃
          Carefull not to get disappointed every time you think you found the ‘ formula’ , I did, and than I realized the pain wasn’t over. It needs time.
          Taking st Johns wort pills helped me tremendously when I got really upset. But a good old cry is the best.

  34. The humanity and self reflection here really gives me hope. I feel like 75% of my brain is this dirty ball of longing, and 25% is reasonable. I have always had to present the 25% as my legitimate self because of bigger issues I have to oversee in my personal life. Being ghosted after connecting with someone has really done a number on me. I think if my LO had been mega keen and outspoken about wanting me I would have ran a mile. I connect emotionally unavailable men to “still waters run deep” – I have spent way too much of my life admiring chaste romance novels! I have always sought escapism. I am ashamed that it’s clearly been mostly projection and fantasy. Prior to this LE, all my previous LOs (since I’ve been married) have been completely off limits, so I maintained boundaries with how far I let myself fall into it. Because this LE was initially mutual, I let myself fall. I did it to myself, because the less he wanted me, the more fantasy took over, and my fantasies are bloody great. He really isn’t all dat, and the ghosting really should cement that. It’s so cowardly! It’s bloody awful holding a mirror up to yourself when you’re not emotionally that strong anyway. Sorry, I really am wittering on. I am very grateful for all the candour.

    • You write beautifully. My lo is an extreme introvert but when he shines his light on you, I felt like the most desirable woman in the world. Do you know where your escapism comes from?
      It’s hard isn’t it when you know the truth, when you know lo isn’t all that, that you are not a match, hell like you even wanted a ghoster but your brain simply refused to let go and the hormones make you think you still want him.

      • Thank you Mia. My LO was an introvert too, and that quiet warm feeling is so addictive.
        With respect to the desire for escape; I had an unstable childhood with an alcoholic, abusive parent. I had no one to talk to, I was bullied at school, and mocked if I showed emotional weakness at home. I was told to never talk about home life at school, and I could never bring friends home. I have never felt safe, and I tend to isolate myself rather than risk attachment. As an adult I have to oversee being the sole carer for another family member. Weirdly for a limerent, I hate being needed. Maybe that’s why I seek men who appear distant and independent? They also have to be funny (important side note)
        I actually relaxed around him, and had a good time. I miss the freedom of that. I wish I had been able to maintain some chill, because fundamentally I enjoyed his company. I’m not kidding myself that I could be friends with him anymore. If he text me now I’d be on a high. The NC ground I stand on feels fake. So I understand why you are so unable to get off that rollercoaster. To feel that buzz is to feel something.
        It’s really hard knowing the truth, but I’ve had previously (what I know now from learning of limerence) extreme LEs, and they do fade. It’s just such a waste of life when you’re stuck obsessing about someone who DGAF.
        Having an SO adds another dimension of feeling like a complete garbage person.

  35. I wish I’d found this site sooner. I’m finally reading content that I can substantially connect with. I have struggled so much after a very joyous, intense mutual limerant relationship reverted to “platonic” when LO switched off before me. Then 1 year in, LO ghosted. That was a year ago and I’m still infested by this. I wish I could just make it stop but my understanding of my drives is not good enough for me work my way out of it. I’m in therapy, but it’s slow. It’s completely put me off ever having another relationship. I just don’t trust myself at all to do what’s healthy for me. I really want him back, and I really don’t.

  36. I am married and in an intense LE with a coworker right now. We were friends then there was suggestive talk and then talk of a sexual nature (all via text). I have revealed that I have feelings for LO a few times via text while drunk. I apologized the next day and he has always been gracious (I wonder if he has feelings too but he is emotionally closed off), but the last time I received no response from the expression of feelings or the apology. I guess I’m being ghosted and it hurts so much. I know I deserve it for saying these things to LO while having a wonderful SO, but it feels cruel on his part. I get it though, he’s had enough. He’s sick of the bullshit. I’m sick of my own bullshit. I want this to stop. Such misery. I don’t know how I’m supposed to see him at work after COVID. This is so messy.

  37. I was ghosted by an early LO in high school. He was an exchange student who had lived with my family and returned to his home country. His mother had told me that I was his first love. Much drama ensued, and some of the worst heartbreak of my life. He ended up getting in touch with me as an adult, but all of my feelings of confusion and love and longing came flooding back, and I eventually just dwindled out of our conversation because I realized I could never just be friends with him, and it was going to wreck my relationship with my then-SO. A therapist pointed out to me later that this man is probably on the autism spectrum, and that explains his hot and cold behavior to me. For some reason this knowledge has popped the bubble for me and I’ve been better able to move on.

  38. Thank you for this case study – I’ve just recently come across this website after being ghosted by someone I was having an EA for, for nearly two years. To finally have a word that describes my feelings and helps me understand that it wasn’t love but limerence I was going though has really helped me take the first steps towards getting through the grief of having NC thrust upon me. I suspect my own LO decided to take NC decision for reasons of his own added to his need for control and manipulative nature. He initiated it at a particularly difficult and sad time in my life and I’ve been struggling to deal with the grief, disappointment, shame and loss of it all. I am determined that I will deal with all of this and move forward and I’m very grateful to all the contributors on this site for it’s useful content.

  39. This is my first time commenting, but I’ve been reading this blog for months –ever since the Madness hit. Looking back to my teen years, I might describe some of those crushes as limerence. But they were nothing compared to what has happened here to me in my mid-forties. At a very vulnerable time (work stress, family stress, ending of fertility/midlife woes), I fell prey to a boundary-less coworker, who spoke occasionally of his SO, but whose actions and words belied that his interest in me might be more than friendship. But there was never enough data for me to know for sure, thus the glimmer and uncertainty.

    We’re so socially distanced at work that I was lonely and happy to have someone break the loneliness. I felt conflicted for oversharing some of my personal feelings with a man other than my husband, but the LO also overshared with me. Since there was never anything physical, at least I don’t have the guilt of that.

    He ghosted me at the first of November. In the last “real” conversation we had, he disclosed that a week earlier, he had started spending time with a younger woman (whom he said had loose values) and was probably going to cheat on his girlfriend with her; he also disclosed that he had cheated on his girlfriend multiple times before. This was all surprise information to me, but it did reveal to me that he probably was a wolf in sheep’s clothing — showing me “friendship” all that time, but with the door left open for more. Up until then, he had this good-boy “golly gosh” persona going with me. I didn’t know his underlying nature. (Of course there were signs that I dismissed, in retrospect.)
    So the smart part of my brain knows that this is not a person I want around. The crazy part of me wants him in my life in whatever way that can be accomplished.

    After that last conversation, it has been radio silence on anything of a personal nature. Plans to have lunch were dropped. He ignored some of my texts; they always were answered before. He hasn’t asked so much as, “how’s your day.” He has been cold, indifferent, distant…like I never existed.

    He will speak to me when he needs something for work, but even that is cold. No thank you, and he was polite as could be before. I don’t text or initiate any contact now. I only respond when he asks for work help. He seems perfectly fine using me as a tool if it helps him get through a project. I feel, justifiably or not, that he takes pleasure in knowing that I have to continue being professional with him. He could ask other people for assistance, but he goes to me. If he can get me to do things for him, professionally, I think that it’s a type of control that he’s enjoying. I don’t have proof of that, but I don’t think I’m wrong either.

    I am trying to be thankful that this is the break I needed to clear my head. My head IS clearer. But I’m left feeling rejected, confused, embarrassed, wondering what I did wrong (I know the answer to that one – I didn’t do anything wrong to him). I simply don’t understand how one day you can have someone who treats you like their bestie best work buddy, and the next day they act like no relationship ever existed.

    Thanks you for this post. I am really struggling here. I’m doing all the self care, self forgiveness, praying, introspection, meditation — I’m doing all the things, trying to get better. But it’s such an oppressive force to deal with, the limerence. Also rough are the rejection and confusion and underlying guilt that I should have had better control of myself emotionally to begin with.

    Thank you for this post, for this blog, and for letting me know I’m not the only one dealing with this. At least I know my descent into madness isn’t unique to me. I wish I could get through this. So much time every day is dedicated to getting myself out of the quagmire, only to fall into ruminations and start over again. I’m so sick of it all.

    • Hi Valerie. Am so sorry you are suffering right now. It sounds like this guy is a real piece of work! I am pretty liberal but he has cheated multiple times with different women, love bombs a vulnerable woman such as yourself, and then discards you when another easier conquest comes along… what an as*****!
      I agree with Marcia in that you need to deflect his professional requests as much and limit your contact with him as much as possible.
      From everything you have said, it sounds like you are on the right track to dig yourself out of your LE pit. I do recommend DrL’s Emergency Reprogramming course – it is very effective.
      You have some great negative material to use to influence your mind away from liking him. Try to deliberately use it in your daydreams about him – when you notice yourself caught in a daydream, change it mid-way to be more realistic, and more based on who he really is. Construct an unpleasant turn of events. If you keep doing this, you take their pleasure and power away and your mind will stop being drawn to thinking about LO as much.
      I am also caught up in a workplace LE. But my boss LO is genuinely a very good man…sigh. While I have constructed a best-fit narrative to believe in, one of the hardest things for me has been trying to accept that I will never know for sure what my LO feels for me, or know “why” about all the things I have observed and experienced relating to my LO. I try to tell myself that most of his behaviour is due to some reason personal to him and unrelated to me, and that there is no point in me blindly guessing at different explanations. It is what it is, forever a mystery, and that is OK.
      Wishing you well.

      • Hi Allie, I came back here to re-read these posts, and I’m so glad I did as I had missed your comment previously. I am new here; I need to figure out if I can turn on notifications!

        My heart goes out to you that you have a “good” LO. I know that must be so hard, trying to detach from someone who is actually a decent human being. This just occurred to me, If you are looking for a negative angle to try to latch onto in order to make him seem “less” good: even good people can enjoy attention from someone they know has feelings for them, while also knowing they do not intend to reciprocate. Perhaps they enjoy the flattery if they are having a down day and are looking for a little validation. Maybe think of the times that he seems to enjoy the attention he receives from you, or the times when he encourages it knowing full well that he will not confirm it with reciprocation. That might give you an edge that will help him to seem less special. Caveat – I’m very new to dealing with this; but it’s just an idea that I thought might help you.

        You are right in that I have AMPLE negative features to my LO that I can keep reminding myself of as I try to get him off of my mind. I appreciate that you noticed the same thing I did – the pattern of lovebomb, mask-drop and discard upon replacement — it very much seems to me like the behavior of someone with narcissistic tendencies. Not even to mention the general scuzziness of serial cheating. His change in behavior towards me was so abrupt that I began to wonder if I had made everything up in my head. I went back and read all the texts a few weeks ago (I only did that once); it confirmed to me 1.) I definitely did not imagine his initial sweet treatment of me, and 2.) I didn’t embarrass myself nearly as much as I thought I did (yay).

        Like you, I really am just left with a nagging “Why.” I have read that closure comes from within, not from the external source. I am doing my best to accept that the reason he doesn’t seem to care now how I’m doing is that he never cared. I’m trying to use hard facts to help me let go of the illusion of the person I thought he was. Most of my reverie these days drifts to having an imaginary conversation with him where I get to wrap things up; I had previously told him about a personal issue I was dealing with, and it has bothered me so much that he never followed up to see how it was going (reason: HE DOESN’T CARE! NOT EVEN A LITTLE). So in my reverie, we’re having a conversation to sort of put a fitting end to whatever our relationship was — and I then imagine him checking his SnapChat to see what 22-year-olds are sending him pictures; then he reminds me how much younger than me that they are; then he wanders off and I never hear from him again. So yeah, I’m definitely putting negative imagery into my daydreams now, lol. That is great advice.

        I am so sorry that you too have questions that can’t be resolved in a satisfactory way. And you also have a workplace LO – the source of the problem and who also has the answers they can’t/won’t give you — and he is just *right there* in front of you all the time. It is mentally taxing to say the least. When someone behaves in a way that doesn’t make sense, I say that there is an “X Factor” that I simply don’t know. It sounds like your boss has such an X Factor going on, and I am sure it has nothing to do with you, that it is something related to him alone.

        I wish you peace and continued healing. Thank you for taking the time to write me. It is helping me so much to know there are people here who understand. DrL mentioned in another post that there is little research or study done on limerence. I can’t imagine why this is the case. Any of us who have been through it can testify that this is a very real thing that deserves more attention from the research community. But at least we have each other here.

  40. Valerie,
    “If he can get me to do things for him, professionally, I think that it’s a type of control that he’s enjoying. I don’t have proof of that, but I don’t think I’m wrong either.”
    If you can, the next time he asks, I wouldn’t give him the information. I would be simply say, “I’m sorry but I don’t have the information you need. You may want to try xxxxx.” Maybe the second time he asks, you don’t the respond to the email or text. If he calls you on it, say you didn’t get the text or email. If you are an otherwise good employee, one missed email or text isn’t going to hurt your employment. Maybe the third time he asks, you simply send him a link and say the information may be available at this job resource. What you are trying to convey is that you will no longer be available to help him with projects without explicitly saying that in ways that could hurt your job. I’m just saying: Don’t go out of your way and don’t make it easy for him. And hopefully he gets the message.

    • Oh my goodness, that is a fantastic idea, Marcia!
      This all started when he began this job earlier this year. He had known me from an earlier job (where he had more overtly hit on me — but I was stronger then, and it fell flat). So when he began this new job, our earlier familiarity was his excuse to begin talking with me frequently, saying he needed a “mentor.” So I’ve been helping him get up to speed on the job ever since.
      But you are right. We are on a team, and I could refer him to other team members, ones who don’t feel emotionally pillaged by him.

      I’ve come to believe this whole thing was just a game to LO. I was just something to toy with until he got bored and moved on. That knowledge hurts terribly and yet somehow doesn’t cure the obsession. I understand that I am missing the connection to the person I thought he was, not the person he actually is.

      Seeing the dark side of LO is for the best in that it’s made me realize the many good qualities about my husband, instead of just the negative ones I’d been focusing on. That’s huge progress for the problems we’d been having in the marriage during recent years, and I believe we are moving in a good direction now. I’ve been able to forgive and let go of some things that happened, and I think our relationship will be ok.

      But here I am, still miserable in limerence at the moment. Maybe with some more time, my heart will catch up on what my brain thinks of LO, that he’s an amoral manipulator. And I was/am so weak, I could have been drawn even further into his web had he not ghosted.

      Marcia, thank you for taking the time to write me. I’ve been so lonely dealing with this. I’ve spoken with two friends about what happened, but I didn’t tell them the extent of the damage in my thinking and emotions. I just framed it like a friendship gone wrong. No one knows how messy I am inside. Your have encouraged me a lot just now.

      When LO reaches out again (even with work stuff now, his contact is seldom now), I will deflect using your suggestions. I am a good employee, regarded well; so it would not be seen in a bad light. And honestly, most of the stuff he asks me about are things he doesn’t want to do; he’s looking really for someone to do it for him. I’m telling you, this is not a good guy. I don’t know why I can’t get that message through to myself.

      • One more thing, just to vent. I can’t figure this out — why in the world did this guy run his game on a coworker? Based on what he told me the last time we talked, this seems to be his pattern — use (or try to use)and dump. Why would you do it to a coworker — a person you can’t escape and who has to see you all. the. time. He’s created a ridiculously awkward situation, and acts like it isn’t awkward at all, like nothing ever happened. (Yes I know I was involved in creating it too, but in my defense, I didn’t instigate. It took a month of his reaching out before I got hooked). I’m not really looking for an answer, just whining here. 🙂 I think at least part of the upsetness I’m feeling now is the knowledge I cannot go full NC, because…there he is. Just right there, 9-5, 5 days a week. Sheesh. Mama wants a do-over, lol. Knowing what I know now, I’d be smarter if I could go back in time. Ok, I’m done. I’m so glad this blog is here.

        • Valerie,
          “Why would you do it to a coworker — a person you can’t escape and who has to see you all. the. time. He’s created a ridiculously awkward situation, and acts like it isn’t awkward at all, like nothing ever happened. ”
          He could have a series of women he has heavy flirtations with. Maybe more than one at a time. Some people can never get enough validation.

  41. Valerie,
    “Marcia, thank you for taking the time to write me. I’ve been so lonely dealing with this. I’ve spoken with two friends about what happened, but I didn’t tell them the extent of the damage in my thinking and emotions.”
    You’re welcome. And sometimes when you are honest with friends, they don’t just don’t get it. They will sometimes frame it as a crush and imply you are overreacting … and why aren’t you over it? That is why this site is great in that people on here understand what you are going through.
    ” And honestly, most of the stuff he asks me about are things he doesn’t want to do; he’s looking really for someone to do it for him.”
    He sounds a little sadistic. If he asks you for information, you also can scan a document and attach it to the email with NOTHING written in the body of the email. Not even a hello. Or if he asks you to do something and you can’t get out of it for work reasons, simply respond, “Taken care of.” You are doing your job (and you can prove it with email or text chains) but not engaging with him. There’s no reason for you to be overly nice to him. He hasn’t treated you well. And on some level, I myself (if I was in your shoes) would get a little bit of a thrill from disengaging from him in the ways I mentioned in the last 2 posts. It will surprise him. He won’t see it coming. 🙂

    • Thank you, Marcia. I am actually in tears right now. Just being able to talk about it and know someone understands. No one can understand the thunderdome inside my head if they haven’t been through this. I have never experienced anything like what this LE had done to me. And it was out of the blue — I never saw it coming or knew such a mental firestorm was even possible. I do know that pain begets growth. I will learn from this and will grow through it. I’m doing the work to discover what in me caused this. But it is so hard right now. I just keep pushing through each day.

      I will definitely use the ideas of sending an attachment without any comment, and also when necessary, responding with needed words only. I can do my job without being too friendly. The friendly banter days are long gone, for reasons only he knows.

      I don’t understand why he can’t even be pleasant, just so cold. But I have to figure out how to let go of wanting reasons. My perspective is whacked anyway because of emotion, so reasons would be pointless even if they did make sense. I believe you’re right that he must keep a steady supply of side women to feed his ego. In that last weird conversation we had, he basically told me as much, along with some other details that revealed an undercurrent of misogyny. I thought I was special; but I was in fact probably one of many who was deemed boring and then retired. I do feel sorry for his girlfriend in all of this.

      Speaking with you has lightened my load tonight. Thank you for understanding and for your great suggestions. By consciously limiting the interaction at work and not being so friendly, I will take some power back. If I can show even just a little bit of strength, I will feel better. Outward changes in my behavior will help compensate for the utter weakness in my thought processes. I’ve kept being so friendly and chatty with the work stuff because I didn’t want to come off as mean; so silly now that I think about it — I’m worried about hurting his feelings, when I’m no longer even deserving of basic courtesy from him. People pleasing is something I thought I should work on, and I didn’t even notice I was doing it here. Yes, you are right: if I can surprise him by showing some spine, it will definitely make me feel better.

      Thank you for sending me in a positive direction, with concrete things that I can do. Thank you for listening and responding. You have really made a difference for me.

      • Valerie,
        Sending you positive vibes to feel better. I haven’t been on this site very long. Maybe others can chime in and give some good suggestions, too.

        • Marcia, I send you positive vibes too. If you are here, I know you must have your own struggle, and I wish you well and healing. We are not alone here, and that is a comfort. <3

        • Bert, thank you! That post was spot on. I believe in one of my comments above, I noted that LO had some red flags that I brushed aside/ignored — the post you gave me listed all of the ones I noticed about him. I feel so foolish at this point. I should have known better but chose not to. I am figuring out that my limerence for this likely narcissist is all about things lacking or damaged in me, and I thank you for your encouragement that I will be able to pull myself out of this.

          As this is my first experience with this, I have definitely learned to be more discerning next time. I love that one of the final sentences in the post is — “You know better now.” Yes, hopefully now I do. Red flags are not to be ignored.

          Thank you for your advice and positivity, Bert. And Happy New Year!

        • Valerie I am very eager to hear how you end up setting professional and personal boundaries with your awful LO!
          When he sees you putting up your shields he may try to re-ensnare you….just to see if he can. I would suggest being cordial, professional, and always remember he is not your superior! YOU helped him and were the ‘mentor’ and can absolutely delegate that role or at least walk away from it. His work success is not your responsibility. Someone told me on this site to behave with ex LO as if I was a celebrity, be cordial, but with guards up, and then move on…pleasant but never allowing a relationship, no chummy chummy (if he tries that with you again).
          The deprogramming course helped me sooooo much, it actually freed up a part of my brain that is allowing me to make some life changing goals and set myself up for an interesting life that does not include exLO or the overly savoured memories of ex LO and safeguards me from becoming ensnared in a future LO.
          I have always been super compassionate, known as the ‘nice one’ and overly tolerant of bad behaviour and red flags. I am feeling a seismic shift in my persona and I think that will help me to be LO proof and I suspect the same might happen to you if you do the work!
          All the best to you! Keep us posted!

        • I agree with Jaideux. When you put up boundaries with your LO, he will try to chip away at your armor. DON’T let him. Show him that YOU are the one who has the power now. YOU are the one who decides how your interactions will go.

  42. Thank you Jaideux and Marcia! It is so encouraging to see your comments and ideas. Jaideux, I like that you called him my “awful” LO. He is. I’m so close to the situation and my perspective has been so mixed up, that it feels good that someone else recognizes what the enlightened part of my brain is trying to get the lizard brain to understand — his behaviour has been awful.

    I have been on holiday since before Christmas. It has been wonderful to have this time to detach completely from work/LO, clear my mind, and reset. I do feel stronger and like I have more clarity on what happened and how I can do better going forward. I am working now on forgiving myself. I feel as though I lost my mind and almost lost my ethics and character as well; my thoughts and feelings were like nothing I’ve ever experienced. Being emotionally ghosted by this person is the best thing that could have happened to me. There’s no telling how badly things could have ended up if there hadn’t been a clean break. I just wasn’t thinking correctly at all.

    I am extremely uneasy about returning to work on Monday. Just the thought that the familiar tide of extreme feelings, good and bad, might return because I’m back in that context — ugh, it makes my stomach hurt. For practical reasons, I can’t consider leaving this job right now, so I must find a way to power through. Knowing that I have this community now makes me feel less alone as I go back next Monday to the frontline, as it were.

    I plan to establish professional boundaries, should he reach out. I truly doubt he’ll try to be friendly or social again; he seems very done with me. I hope he doesn’t try, as I am stronger now, but it is a tenuous strength – the weakness is still there; I feel it. Marcia and Jaideux, thank you for the warning to be ready in case he does try to be friendly again. If he truly is high on the narcissist spectrum, I think his circling back is a possibility. I like the idea of pretending like I’m a celebrity when dealing with him! I shall be Taylor Swift! Smiling but still walking down the red carpet. 🙂

    Thank you for referring me to the deprogramming course. I will keep that in mind for sure. DrL’s blog mentions how when we are surprised by our reaction to something, we can learn from it. I have been surprised by all of this LE, so I am convinced that if I continue sorting out what were the drivers behind it, I can heal what needs to be healed and weed out the broken parts of me. I am praying for God’s help and guidance as well, as I believe He may have allowed this strange episode in my life to occur as an opportunity for growth.

    Thank you so much for your support. Not feeling so alone is wonderful as I continue with this journey.

  43. So this morning another shock, but probably a positive event despite the immediate upset… I inadvertently noticed that LO has unfriended me on FB.

    Of all the contacts and links I removed or blocked I didn’t bother with FB. Well to say I didn’t bother would be a half truth. I never use FB these days and neither does LO. So FB served as my little comforter, there was nothing to be gained from checking LOs’ static (and rather skeletal) profile page… so it was a small token link. It didn’t really serve any practical purpose.

    But this morning while searching on FB messenger for a friend with the same first initial, FB helpfully autofilled my search bar with LOs name. Not only that but the little avatar indicated a change in profile pic. Could I resist a peak at their new messenger avatar after months of NC? Well… no.

    But when I tapped on it, there was LO, their photo, their name and under their name ‘You WERE friends on Facebook’. A quick check confirms it. I’m unfriended. Silly to be upset really.

    But there you have it. Of course part of my limerent brain is bargaining and thinking about 101 explanations which don’t involve ‘LO, completely of their free will has unfriended you.’ Maybe it was pressure from friends after I put a happy birthday message on their wall? Maybe this is making a clean break, which is the perfect foundation to start something new sometime? Maybe this is because I blocked them on a dating app we both use and so this is really a strong message and… (well you can imagine that spiral of ifs/but/ors/shoulds etc.)

    But I’m clinging to the same simple scenario which is that whatever reasoning is behind it… it is not a barrier that LO wants me to overcome… and even if it were that would be deeply toxic.

    LO is fading from my life and that is a good thing.

    But hard. It might be nice to actually message the friend I was originally seeking… because of course that sweet little nostalgic message about a nostalgic song from college days never got a chance because I was too concerned about a rather predictable act from somebody who has ghosted me for months now.

    Rebalancing priorities…

    • “But when I tapped on it, there was LO, their photo, their name and under their name ‘You WERE friends on Facebook’. A quick check confirms it. I’m unfriended. Silly to be upset really.”

      @Thomas. I’m not a FB user. However, your comment intrigues me. Are you saying FB sort of tells on people when they’ve been unfriended? Ouch!! So there’s no just discreetly disappearing from someone’s life because you don’t have much in common, or whatever? That’s really, really awkward and has to hurt folk who are a bit obsessed with being liked. This convinces me that certain aspects of social media aren’t very healthy from a mental health point of view. No wonder plenty of people have profiles they don’t really use. (The risk of accidentally offending/wounding someone one barely knows sounds too great).

      I think ghosting is inappropriate if there’s been a sexual relationship or a genuine friendship between two people. But I think it’s okay to ghost acquaintances or classmates – people we basically never had much to do with in the first place. Obviously, FB makes it very hard to ghost even near-perfect strangers these days! Yikes! Not everyone in the world can be part of one’s “inner circle”. And I know people can easily exaggerate or overestimate the closeness of friendships…

      • Sammy,
        When you unfriend someone, they’re gone. They’re off your list with no notice or message.
        I agree that ghosting is unkind but people do it more and more, I think.

        • @Beth.

          I had a sad situation many years ago. I unfriended a former high school classmate on Facebook, because I felt like I didn’t really know her. (Had never had a single conversation in school, etc).

          She took the unfriending very personally. Must have figured out she has one less friend on her list and worked out it was me. She thought I must have some huge grudge against her, which wasn’t the case at all. I honestly just felt like I didn’t know her, and didn’t know whether having strangers on my Facebook was a good idea.

          In hindsight, I would keep her. No limerence was involved on my side. I doubt she was attracted to me. But she was one of the popular kids and the drama of defriending her just wasn’t worth it.

          Some people are very reluctant to be ghosted! 😛

      • Sammy,
        “I think ghosting is inappropriate if there’s been a sexual relationship or a genuine friendship between two people. ”
        I agree, but how do you handle ending a friendship? We are told we need to end sexual/romantic relationships, but there’s no cultural script to end a friendship. I have found that when I don’t want to be friends with someone anymore, it’s either that we’ve grown apart and have little to say to each other or I’ve discovered something about their personality I don’t like and don’t want to be around. If it’s the former, it’s usually a situation where both people just contact each other less and less, but if it’s the latter, what are you supposed to do? “I don’t feel we’re compatible anymore. It’s not you. It’s me.” I feel uncomfortable telling another adult that I think they need to fix their personality. It’s one thing to sit a friend down who is, for example, always late and tell them that their being late makes you feel like they don’t value your time. This is an issue that is easily fixable. It’s another to sit someone down and say, “You are a very angry person who is always irritated and unpleasant to be around.” In the second example, I don’t think that’s something that can be fixed. That is fundamentally who the person is.

      • I “disappeared” from my last LOs view. I unfollowed him on social media and removed his ability to follow me. I did not return phone calls.
        This is highly out of character for me, as it seems impolite, but I know exactly where an explanation would have led as I had tried to explain and exit from that “friendship” in past years. It would have led to have been made to feel guilty for ‘abandoning our friendship’. My needs and pain would have been expertly brushed aside.
        I, of course, struggled with this decision but now I am empowered by it. I saved myself and saved my sanity. A real friend doesn’t toy with another’s feelings anyway . There may have been components of genuine friendship but we reached the point in the book where my character no longer appears and does not move the plot along.
        Now I am happy having my own little adventures in my own book!
        I try to not ask mutual friends about him and try to avoid reminiscing about the “good times” we shared, and if a memory is triggered I counter balance it with a painful one. My brain does better with a “dose of reality”. (Learned that trick from Dr. L’s deprogramming course).
        Did I ghost him? Perhaps. But I know deep down he knows why and knows he deserves it. I am a peace with this decision.

        • “A real friend doesn’t toy with another’s feelings anyway .”

          @Jaideux.

          As I get older, (and hopefully wiser), I find I agree with this statement more and more.

          And yes, some LOs, are experts at “brushing aside” the feelings and needs and pain of their limerent pets, which makes any frank conversation to sort things out/restore equality all but impossible…

          As long as a given LO is my drug, I can’t set terms and conditions with him, and I think he knows that, and secretly relishes having the upper hand, because obviously the status quo suits him just fine.

  44. Thank you for this post. I’m a week into being ghosted, I had made a major change in my life that meant no physical contact 6 months ago but we were still speaking regularly. Felt in control and enjoyed the relationship at the level it was. It actually helped my relationship with my SO (I can’t quite explain this, but with a casual virtual relationship with my LO and not seeing them in person, I felt good). My LO has now not responded to a couple of texts and, even if I haven’t been ghosted, the prospect of being ghosted has really thrown me (I didn’t think I was in that place anymore). Plus, saddened that the relationship seemingly meant so little to the LO. I keep wanting to reach out and check all is ok, but I know I shouldn’t. So thank you for this post, I have already swung from the the positive, “yes this is my chance to be free” and the negative “I thought LO was better than this,” but the negative makes me feel sad that I may have misjudged someone who I thought was a friend, someone who I had no expectations of a romantic relationship with (anymore) and someone I thought had my back, if needed. Maybe I am reading too much in them ignoring a couple of jokey texts, but the way it has made me feel has shocked me. Back to square one.

    • Sara,
      “Someone who I had no expectations of a romantic relationship with (anymore) and someone I thought had my back, if needed. ”
      I think with friendship you have to expect the unexpected. Friends aren’t bound to you legally in that you aren’t married or in agreed-upon, committed relationship or by blood in that they aren’t family. There is a lot lower sense of obligation.

      • Thanks Marcia, yes this is true and a good point. I have many friends that I wouldn’t think twice about them not replying to a couple of texts, I wouldn’t speculate I’d just think oh well, they must be busy. I guess the difference is the frequency of the texts previously, but I think I must accept that now I’ve removed myself from my LO’s real life (i.e. in person), our “virtual” conversation is perhaps running dry.

    • Sara,

      What you know for certain is that he hasn’t responded to your texts. That’s a fact.

      Why he isn’t responding is speculation and rumination. You don’t know. You’re still getting limerent mileage out of it. It’s not as good as when your LO is responding but it’s still feeding the beast. We junkies don’t usually care where we get our fix.

      It’s hard but really work on ditching the speculation.

      • “We junkies don’t usually care where we get our fix.”

        @LImerent Emeritus.

        It’s a little bit funny to think of limerents as junkies searching for their next fix. But it is kind of true, and it takes the element of (projected?) romance out of the situation.

        A very clear-eyed way of looking at things. I like it. 😛

        • Reciprocation always beats rumination.

          But, you can’t always get the good stuff so like any addict, you improvise.

          Do you know why so many mouthwashes went alcohol free? Alcoholics would abuse them. Listerine was almost 27% alcohol. That’s 50 proof. Scope was ~19% ABV. (https://www.rdhmag.com/patient-care/article/16404285/do-you-want-that-mouthwash-straight-up-or-on-the-rocks)

          How did I learn this? My alcoholic mother hid empty Scope bottle between the mattresses. She couldn’t function but her breath was minty fresh! In the 70s, the Canadian government restricted mouthwash sales to the local Indian population because alcoholism was a big problem among that population.

          When it comes to limerence, rumination is more like mouthwash and reciprocation is more like good whisky.

          Both can get the job done and make you feel good for awhile, they usually don’t last all that long, and if you’re really unlucky, they both can kill you.

        • “Do you know why so many mouthwashes went alcohol free? Alcoholics would abuse them.”

          @LE.

          That is extraordinary. I had no idea mouthwashes used to contain alcohol…

          “When it comes to limerence, rumination is more like mouthwash and reciprocation is more like good whisky.”

          A good way of explaining things.

  45. A lot of you guys are so strong and brave dealing with it. I suffer from limerence all my life, but I didn’t know I am not the only one.
    Usually no contact works for me well, but instead of being obsessed with one person for years I just fall for next “victim”. Show must go on.
    My last “relationship” lasted for 5 years because my LO did not let me go. He was using me for sex and kept coming to me for years even when I begged him to stop because I had no power to resist him. As soon as I felt ok after 2 months of ghosting he would always pop up again and everything would relapse. I went through all stages humiliation myself in front of him, let him treat me like shit, I stalked him, I threatened him, I bombarded his phone with messages and so on. He knew my obsession and was just purely using me for 5 years until I moved to another country without telling him and that is how my obsession stopped. I had no physical access to him and my “love” died eventually. Now I fell for another man. He ghosted me after short intense sexual relationships. Crazy intense passion. Then he went cold turkey abruptly. Dont know the reason. He is married.
    I am 10 years older now than when I had my first relationship and I became stronger. I feel same feelings, same triggers like in my first relationship so I know it is “it”. I have strong urge to start stalking him, show up by his house, send tons of messages and make phone calls, but I will not. I will not get him back that way,my actions only will push him away (where though if he has ghosted me already?). I want to keep my dignity and I want him to have only positive memories about me when he thinks about me. So I respect his decision even if it was an asshole move. I guess I became stronger too. Now I realize that I am doomed to fall for one man to another my entire life and go through excruciating pain over and over again. I still cry about him everyday and I cant breath. But at least I keep my dignity.

  46. My predicament is an unusual one. I’m married he’s in a long term defacto relationship with a toddler and a baby on the way. He doesn’t know I’m pregnant and I only know he has a baby on the way thanks to social media. He is hot and cold
    with me and blocks me then comes back. This is painful and I know want closure but am unable to make contact. This has been going on for over a year.

  47. To Vicarious Limerent,
    I totally agree with you that we married people are tortured souls. I had an unhappy marriage and was treated poorly and then in front of friends was treated like I was a Queen. I no longer loved my spouse and fell into an emotional affair to start as this guy didn’t judge me and was so wonderful. Eventually, not being in love with my SO but scared to leave, I fell in love with my LO. We had an amazing relationship for a few months. I finally admitted to my SO that I cheated. My SO loved me and wanted me to stay and we work through with counselling and things changed and got better but I still loved my LO and he loved me and wanted me back. Then I got ghosted. No contact so far from LO for 3 weeks now. It hurts deeply and I was planning on leaving my SO for good. I know I was horrible for cheating but I also had a very difficult marriage I was trying to leave. Ghosting is the worst thing someone can do. I am deeply hurt.

  48. My best friend ghosted me, of course my limerent brain went nuts… I resented her for so long but how do you tell anyone you don’t like them anymore because they are behaving very creepy and obsessive? In a way I ghosted her, she became a ghost in mind haunting me 🤣 She used to adore me until the limerence :/

  49. One thing that I always wondered about when reading about limerents who were ghosted by LO or having LOs who blew hot and cold, is that so many of the limerents themselves were trying to go LC or NC, or chase then withdraw because of strong, conflicting emotions … and the limerent feels completely entitled to do so (because of their suffering) and are advised to just do it, no explanations, no closure, no reaching out … you can see how, from the LO’s point of view, the limerent is the ghoster. Flip it back again and you can perhaps consider that maybe LO had good reasons to “ghost” too. If everyone is not disclosing feelings, and everyone needs to take care of themselves, this is what you get.

    • YES! I am so glad someone else thinks this too.
      Echoing the importance of frank honesty with those people that matter to you, I do not believe disclosure, when done for the right reasons and with good LOs, is quite the enemy this site makes it out to be.
      #wisheveryonecouldbehavedlikeanadult

    • Totally agree with you, PW, and with Allie about whether disclosure is really a problem. This point is related to the part in the ED course I most vehemently disagreed with – recommending that the limerent withdraw without explanation, even to the point of denying there is anything wrong if LO asks you what the deal is. Saying “oh no nothing; I’m just busy” is gaslighting and cruel. My LO/AP did that with me (AFTER we were physical) and it was absolutely devastating and caused me to question my sanity (which was in fact questionable, but anyway…).

      I’m actually not 100% anti- disclosure if you think the feelings might be reciprocated and there are no sexual harrassment implications to consider. And in general I am in favour of open communication. I wish that my LO would have communicated with me like an adult instead of ghosting/gaslighting/denying.

      And don’t even get me started on ghosting during conventional dating situations. It’s the bloody devil’s work as far as I’m concerned. I’ll end my rant by leaving you with my favourite quote:

      “Much unhappiness has come into the world because of bewilderment and things left unsaid” – Dostoevsky

      • An interesting post with a good quote, TP, which has fired up my emotions somewhat.

        Ghosting is vile. I am tempted to send my LO a message, after three months of No Contact, to tell him honestly how I feel about him ghosting me. His last message was “Happy Christmas Eve, my love”, however, and my “executive brain” is telling me that that sentiment has to be left as it is for both our sakes.

        My life needs to be full of constant distractions at the moment. Spring cleaning, socialising, walks when I can – anything. After a year since LO and his SO visited me, including three months of No Contact, you’d think that the LE would be subsiding. The intrusive thoughts, emotions, and occasional ripples of anger, fluctuate wildly and I find that bizarre.

        It will ease eventually as I think it will ease for most of us. My LO may be embarrassed or confused. I drafted a message to him weeks ago simply as a sort of cathartic journaling exercise. I have put a note at the end in capital letters which says “leave him alone!”

  50. Yes, ghosting is vile. But what’s the difference between ghosting and going NC?

    In other words, isn’t it entirely possible that you’ve been ghosted because your LO is actually limerent for YOU, so they decided to go NC? You see it as wanton cruelty, whereas they see it as a necessary way to stop thinking about you!

    • Well, I’m my case, Ted, you are spot on! I can say that in retrospect. I just didn’t realise – mostly through low self-esteem I think.

      • Cheers, Frederico!! I think this is a lot more common than people realize. Low self-esteem causes us to ignore the possibility that ghosting/snubbing is due to the LO trying to subjugate his/her own limerence.

        • Hi Ted,

          It is possible that an LO ghosts us because they are going NC due to a mutual limerence. There is a dark side to this way of thinking, our limerent brains really want to believe that our LOs feel attracted to us. This idea that they ghost us because of their own attraction is appealing, but probably not relevant to most limerents. Definitely relevant to some.

          I do recognize the irony that we all think ghosting someone is cruel, but we think going NC is wise. The way I’ve handled NC, when I tried it, is I left the door open just in case LO reached out, but I didn’t initiate contact. I think that is different than ghosting because I didn’t block my LO or his friend, and I didn’t “unfriend” anyone. I just didn’t pursue contact. When LO’s friend reached out to me and broke NC, I was warm and engaging. I don’t think that is the same thing as ghosting someone.

        • “This idea that they ghost us because of their own attraction is appealing, but probably not relevant to most limerents.”

          It’s also a great low key way to keep the LE going. It’s my limerent brain’s last ditch effort to hold on to LO instead of actually moving on. It’s just a spark there waiting to be lit. Which as you said is dangerous. I know because I am at that point now. If I keep wondering how LO really felt about me it keeps her on my mind and my limerent brain fed, even it is only scraps.

          I was doing real good too. Made peace with my wife for the most part. Haven’t had an intrusive thought in over a month. Haven’t been talking in my sleep. But last week I did a lot of “what would it be like if LO and I met by chance” daydreams. And while they weren’t intentional limerent daydreaming about her they still could be a bridge to get back into that limerent state. My brain is addicted to her and is doing about as good as I would trying to go sober; kicking and screaming.

  51. I would venture to think ghosting applies more to someone who doesn’t want to confront the other person, usually out of non-interest. Not saying it can’t apply in NC due to limerence though. Haven’t heard of that one before though.

  52. Hi Lovisa, I can see the distinction you’re making between NC and ghosting, but wouldn’t “true” NC include not allowing your LO to contact you? If limerence is so horrible, why allow your LO to determine the amount of contact you have with them?? By “leaving the door open”, I would always be hoping they reach out to me, which seems quite counterproductive to the purpose of NC!

    • Adam

      “I would venture to think ghosting applies more to someone who doesn’t want to confront the other person, usually out of non-interest.”

      Yeah, I don’t think a limerent going NC would be “ghosting”. Unless there was meaningful interactions happening (then it is hard to see the limerent wanting to stop things). If a LO cuts off communication, I don’t know if that’s “ghosting”.

      I was chatting with someone on a dating site a few months ago. We had a half-dozen very cordial and friendly chats. Nothing serious but positive. Then, next time I logged in our message history was gone and she blocked me with no explanation or reason that I could tell. I mean no biggie, but that’s a ghosting in my mind. Or maybe it is just semantics.

      Nick

      • Yeah to me NC is the limerent taking the initiative to not contact LO. But leaving it open ended on the part of LO to connect. Ghosting is completely cutting off all connection to LO and blocking them from contacting ourselves. Or the other way around, LO cutting off and blocking all attempts by the limerent to contact them.

        If I called/texted LO I can be confident she would respond pleasantly. But outside of that initiative on my part I wouldn’t think she would reciprocate with regular contact after that and just leave it at that.

        I try to remember all the people over time that I have “lost” contact with out of mere laziness. There is no real reason why I didn’t call them (before the internet) and maintain that contact. Perhaps it’s the same with LO. Life demands your time and attention and they have to prioritize things. But LO was important to you, that you can’t imagine why they could forget you so easily because for you as the limerent, they will be in your heart and mind for life. This damn limerence is worst than worst of the worst hangovers I have ever had. And I’ve had some bad ones.

        • Adam,
          “…because for you as the limerent, they will be in your heart and mind for life.”
          But they won’t. My LO isn’t. There is no way I’d want someone who, in reality, played such a small role in my life to take up that much emotional and pychic space for the rest of my days. He had a cameo at best. He wasn’t even someone I dated for a while. He doesn’t deserve a big role and he doesn’t want one.
          Save all that for the people in your life who deserve it.

        • Adam,
          “I hope you are right Marcia. I hope you are right. It would really help right now.”
          I think you have to change your narrative. You’re done the hardest part by going NC, and it’s been a year. Which is no small feat. NC is very difficult. But telling yourself she’ll be in your heart forever … if you stay with that narrative, you’ll make it happen.
          I got mad at my LO. He led me on. So I got to the point after NC where I was NOT going to let him occcupy so much of my psyche. I don’t know if you can do that.
          If not … can you focus on the facts? You haven’t heard from her in a year. I don’t write that to be mean. Mine has never contacted me, and he could have. Could have asked for my number before I went NC, could have asked for the number after I went NC from mutal acquaintances, could have tracked me down on the internet. But he’s making the choice not to do that. I don’t know that he’s consciously thinking it, but he’s not prompted on his own to get in touch. That’s the narrative I tell myself. Whenever I start to veer off into rumination (which happens every blue moon even now), I remind myself that there’s nothing on his end but silence.

        • Marcia why is it so easy she forgets me but she means so much to me?! Will my heart always have a place for her?

        • In my pathetic LE situation, I can tell myself all day long, LO doesn’t reach out because she’s just not interested. I know this. I understand this. I get it. But I don’t want to believe it or do anything about it because I feel like I’m in a never ending bad place. LO still helps make up for that, just by being her. No matter how bad or good she is at the moment.
          I on the other can’t help it because I’m not good at relationships, getting them off the ground or even maintaining them. So I’m becoming a bitter old crotchety Man, in fear of living the rest of my days alone.

          I get how Adam is in a bad place because he so wants to make his marriage work without giving LO any more of his time. Yet he still can’t shake the fact she wanted to move on. Considering he was a good friend to LO. That has to be very hard. Considering how I still feel about my LO. Even in the face of obvious, straight-up, in-my-face rejection. I simply, matter-of-factly adore this Woman. It’s pure ludicrous insanity on my part. But limerence monster keeps telling me, “It’s ok MJ, just remember, at least she didn’t totally forget about you, or who you were.” That’s a sickness and yes I am working on psychological help.

          I have sown the seeds of my own demise.
          It’s no joke about limerence feeling like a bad hangover. I think I’m just getting used to how that feels everyday for me now, and it does
          really suck.

        • Adam,
          “Will my heart always have a place for her?”
          Not if you don’t want it to. I hate to be that trite, but it’s really up to you how long you hold onto this.
          Not that you can just wish it away. But you can start dismantling it.

          MJ,
          “I have sown the seeds of my own demise.”
          It’s not your demise. This doesn’t define who you are. You’re in a bad place now, and I’m sorry, but you won’t be there forever. Recovery is possible. And so is understanding what triggers your limerence and running the hell away when/if you feel the first prickles of a new glimmer in the future.

        • Thank you Marcia, good advice. Would you say all glimmering is bad though? Especially if I found someone who might feel some mutual attraction?

        • MJ,
          “Would you say all glimmering is bad though? Especially if I found someone who might feel some mutual attraction?”
          I guess it depends on how you define glimmer. When I’ve been limerent, it’s been an “extra” attraction. I start getting that churning, longing, nervous feeling. The person kind of glows. And when I have felt that way … it’s been a bad choice. My picker is off. 🙂
          I think these strong attractions can blind us to who the other person is. Unless you’re lucky and one of these people who can feel the glimmer for a good LO. And the LO is avaialable and interested.
          I differentiate the glimmer from normal interest/attraction.

        • I guess my picker is off too then. Because I would have sworn my life that LO and I had a future. At least as friends to start. She totally glimmered for me and still does to this day. Oh what to do…

        • MJ,
          “Oh what to do…”
          Well, it’s kind of obvious, no? Stay away from the people who glimmer for you.
          I’m not saying you shouldn’t be interested or attracted. Of course you should. But you don’t have to be knocked over by someone to ak them out and then see if something more is there.

  53. Thank you all for sharing.
    I disclosed to my LO and requested no contact – with the caveat that I would say hello if I saw LO at gym (we were work out buddies previously seeing each other 2-3 times every week)
    I did then see LO at gym (my limerent brain lit up like a Christmas Tree) and said hi in passing – LO looked like a deer in headlights when I was friendly and said hi. LO ultimately requested not even saying hi to each other (unplug those Christmas lights)
    Subsequently we have walked passed each other without a skerrick of acknowledgment……. So my Limerent (lizard) brain has the temerity to tell me that it’s terrible that LO is ghosting me….. despite my executive brain having basically wanted this ie. no contact (get off the drug!)
    My limerent brain would have loved to sit down with LO and discuss our mutual emotions and hugged and reflected on how messed up it all is – LOL – I think that is the hardest thing about this crazy limerence – the strength and closure have to come from within.
    I’ve been reading about ghosting and one of the most useful things I read is that you CANNOT educate a ghost. For whatever reason the ghost has chosen that strategy ( I think my LO was on the spectrum and ghosting for them came quite easily)
    Anyway – thanks again for shared posts and stories – makes me feel happy not to be the only one who has struggled with the challenge of limerence

    • Sorry – I meant makes me feel reassured that others have experienced limerence – happy was not what I meant – limerence is not pleasant and I wouldn’t wish it on anyone

  54. “Not if you don’t want it to. I hate to be that trite, but it’s really up to you how long you hold onto this.”

    Are you kidding Marcia? 🙂 Why do you think I ask you things like that? It’s because you don’t tell me what I want to hear, you tell me what I need to hear even though I was having a particularly bad weekend. And I thank you for that.

    “Yet he still can’t shake the fact she wanted to move on. Considering he was a good friend to LO. That has to be very hard.”

    This is the last tether this woman has on me. I regret that I could have had a healthy co-worker, possibly friendly, relationship with her but I could not manage that. The limerence made it unhealthy and awkward. She moved on, for the better for her, and I am stuck in some kind of limbo. Moving past these regrets about this entire General Hospital drama is harder than I expected. So many things I could have done better. But I didn’t.

    • Adam,
      “Are you kidding Marcia? 🙂 Why do you think I ask you things like that? It’s because you don’t tell me what I want to hear, you tell me what I need to hear even though I was having a particularly bad weekend. And I thank you for that.”
      You’re welcome. 🙂 You should be proud of yourself that you’ve gone NC and stuck with it for a year. It’s not easy.