Note: this is an updated version of a previous post
Midlife is an interesting time. It begins to dawn on you that whatever endeavours you threw yourself into in early adulthood are coming to fruition. In most careers, it becomes clear – and pretty much settled – whether or not you will reach the highest levels. By definition, most people won’t.
In love, your choices will have determined whether you are partnered in a long term relationship, bruised from bad encounters, alone, or living one of the many non-conventional models of interdependence. If you have children, they are growing to independence, and you start to face an empty nest.
Midlife relationships can also be burdened by responsibility. At the benign end of the spectrum that could just mean letting domesticity drive out romance, leaving you vulnerable to new limerence. Worse, you might have drifted into a sexless marriage.
Regardless of the choices that you made, the realisation comes that you are halfway through your life and have to decide whether you are still happy with those choices. Our bodies also confront us with evidence of our age – grey hairs, wrinkles, flaccidity, menopause.
Halfway through your life. Or halfway to your death.
The things that you decided to do with your life are no longer characterised by the promise of future achievement – it is now clear whether or not that promise has been, or will ever be, fulfilled. Time is running out if you want to make a change.
For some people this can cause a panic of regret and fear.
For others, it is closer to ennui – a sense of dissatisfaction and fatigue, and nostalgic loss.
It is also, perhaps unsurprisingly, the prime time for affairs.
Romantic misadventures
Many people report that a peculiarity of midlife is a sudden eruption of libidinous energy and romantic interest in others. It’s been described as a second adolescence. Whether this is mainly a psychological response to the emotions of midlife, or also a hormonal surge due to physiological changes at midlife, is unclear, but the consequences are a powerful sense of a “last chance” for a fling, or to reinvent yourself with a new partner.
This impulse can be complicated by the realisation that your appeal has changed (for better or worse) with age. Physical maturity, the confidence of experience, financial and emotional stability; all of these can affect the perception of your attractiveness to others.
Of course, another common cliche is the desire to secure a younger partner, in an attempt to regain your passing youth or get a second chance at making a relationship work. Equally, spending time in the company of other attractive midlifers going through the same suite of sensations can prove… combustible.
All of these factors come to a head and present a particular vulnerability for limerents.
When I surveyed the general population on the prevalence of limerence, there was a peak in the data at early midlife – the 35-44 age range – where people self-reported experiencing limerence more commonly than at any other age.
It may be a long time since a midlifer felt the pull of limerence, and if it has been an infrequent part of their life, it may be an unfamiliar challenge and upend their emotional stability.
Limerence hits like a whirlwind. It’s impossible to carry on in the old complacent routines when your romantic circuits are firing explosively.
I’ve speculated before that limerence is a mechanism for establishing a pair bond, but as it typically only lasts for a few years at most, serial monogamy would seem to be the natural outcome. Another realisation that hits at midlife is that such a lifestyle is limited by your ability to reliably find a new lover – which proves a much easier prospect in the flush of youth.
The combination of a sudden urgent sense that this is the last chance to find a new mate, coupled to the whirlwind of resurgent limerence, is a powerful force to resist.
Responding purposefully
Ultimately, all this turmoil may drive our midlife limerent into a tailspin, but what can be done?
Well, they could spend hours studying psychology, throw themselves into new projects, take up a new hobby, or just weather it as best as they are able with the coping skills they’ve developed through adulthood. More pertinently, they might try to reconnect with their spouse and revitalise their marriage, taking the limerence as a warning sign that their need for romance had been neglected for too long.
Alternatively, they could embark on that affair, and start the second half of their lives by jeopardising everything they’ve achieved in the first half.
It will probably come as no surprise to regular readers that I would advocate reflection and self-awareness. As the heart of this is self-honesty, and here are some blunt questions that could help navigate your way forward if midlife limerence throws all your old certainties into doubt:
- Was I happy in my relationship before this started?
- Do I honestly think that starting a new relationship will solve my emotional problems?
- Am I facing the future or running away from it?
- Do I want to make big decisions when addled by limerence?
Usually with these bloggy ramblings I try to adopt a broad point of view about the nature of limerence, but this topic is a personal one for me, and so it’s hard to be objective.
The first stage of my adult life is over. I am no longer a young man.
I have a family, who are growing fast and will not need me so urgently in the coming years. I’m facing the second half of life, and determined to attack it with purpose. To take the opportunity to live well, and decide for myself how I want to measure success in the afternoon of my life.
Luckily for me, I have a supportive wife that I love very much – and we’ve spent many enjoyable afternoons together already.
Here’s to a purposeful future.
When I hit 60, I asked my wife if since I didn’t have a mid-life crisis could I have a 2/3 life crisis instead?
Sometime, the woman has absolutely no sense of humor.
I teach young girls at university everyday and have limerence issues. I too am at about age 60 and found one in particular as being perfect for me…after we went out several times I realised it was better not to have any contact with her at all. The fantasy is so strong that after one year it is still compelling and overwhelming at times. So thanks so much for the article and to the readers for their wonderful comments. I am sure this problem is not that rare and the article’s analysis is spot on. Please write more about this for all of us!
Thanks for the site and article. Please don’t ever stop writing them.
I’m going through this very thing…add to the fact that I’m in L with a woman 17 years younger than myself. We met 25 years ago when she was a adolescent and I was helping her with some struggles as a volunteer counselor. ZERO attraction then. Then, I run into her, in her late 30’s, and she tells me she has been in love with me all that time. Now add to the equation I’m struggling in my marriage, and you have an explosion at a sub-atomic level…enough to wipe out everything in its path.
Your writings are helping me cope with this. Many thanks,
Dear MS,
You’re very welcome – I don’t plan to stop writing, but do have to admit that I’ve slowed down a lot of late. Day-job getting in the way. But comments do help me know that there are people out there finding it valuable – so thanks.
I have to admit that the details of your story do seem like very potent circumstances for limerence. A woman who you helped long ago. Knowing that she’s been harbouring feelings for you for so long. Trouble with your marriage… Quite an emotional cocktail to deal with.
It really helped me to read Tennov’s book, and understand what was going on and why the limerence was so overwhelming. It was one of those times in life when knowledge was power: I was able to see clearly what was happening to me, and decide what I wanted, and could start to find strategies for coping. Hopefully the same ideas will work for you! It is possible to work through limerence – on the other side I can even look back and laugh at myself.
MS, glad to read a kindred soul. I too am fresh over 60 and “seemingly” in L with a young lady 30 yrs my junior. LwL has helped me greatly that this is LE and seeing her in her true self versus my young love rescuing me from a sexless marriage, professional stress, a level of depression from several key people in my life passing over the last several years. Hence a toxic mix for LE to get me.
One thing that is working for me is seeing my LO warts and all, hence, she really isn’t that special. She’s unreliable, undependable, selfish, avoidant, displays several narcissitic traits, appears to have significant trauma that she brings to the table. Then add, I’m trying to hard at NC (phasing it in to limit the withdrawal).
In short, I think I’m making progress as the glimmer of her is beginning to fade. All so that I won’t hopefully become the poster child for “… embarking on that affair, and start the second half of their lives by jeopardising everything they’ve achieved in the first half…”
I’m 52 and have been working the same job for almost my entire adult life. Five years ago the company relocated to another state and I moved there with my family. The company has definitely reinvented reinvented itself since the move. We’re in a city with a young hip culture. There are now lots of young recent graduates working for the company. A young woman joined the company just after it relocated and I have known her for almost 5 years now. Until recently, when my responsibilities at work have changed, we never really worked together on the same projects. Now we work together every day on the same projects and I’ve gotten to know her much better. I find myself feeling like a teenage boy and looking forward to going back to work each Monday so that I can be near her. I look at her social media constantly too. I love my wife and children and don’t know what to do to keep myself from feeling this way. Please help.
Hi Ernie, and welcome to LwL. It sounds like you are really battling with your feelings, LEs are such a contradiction aren’t they – euphoria, occasional despondency and that awful lack of control over our mind. I am a happily married mid-life limerent also. I hope you can see from this site that you are not alone and that many good married people suffer from exactly the same problem. Please take comfort from knowing that being very emotionally and/or physically attracted to another woman is not necessarily any reflection of how you feel about your SO and family, and is a natural part of being human. For most of us, it is not possible to last a lifetime without developing such feelings so please be kind to yourself and try to accept how you feel, understand that it is OK to feel that way and that you are not doing anything wrong. It sounds like you still really love your SO which is wonderful as it is important in this situation to ensure you continue to really appreciate and make the most of what you already have with her – your behaviour towards her is key. As well as browsing the blog articles, I would really recommend the Emergency Reprogramming course – it works and has a focus on analysing your specific situation, and taking concrete actions that will result in you gradually recovering from your limerent person addiction.
I disclosed to my SO, very carefully framing it as person addiction. It really helps having his support and understanding, plus it is a comfort knowing I am being honest. Is that a possibility for you?
Wishing you well.
WOW, this is a really interesting article!! My wife sent it to me after I fell off the rails with and AP. The short explanation makes perfect sense now and I’ve been watching limerence You tube videos that didn’t really sink in. I’m trying to steer a path of recovery with my SO and finding it difficult after Falling off the rails. Midlife crisis is difficult to recover from for sure as it’s hurting me and my family more than words can describe!
Oh, this one is so me it hurts! I’m 65 and for the past 15 years I’ve been fighting off the MLC (mid life crisis). I’ve always been a late bloomer and as I approached 65 I “suddenly” discovered a LO and have been riding rough shod ever since. And he is 13 years younger than me and yes here I am going for that younger person because I dislike (ok, I hate) my body aging and the feeling that life is now on the decline, no more aspirations, no more feeling young and heady and forward looking. So much of my LE is age related—the first LO I had around late 40’s as I felt all the hormonal changes, the less attention from men, the fewer eyes on me when I entered a room, the feeling of being invisible, unnoticed, old, aged out…I’m thankful that now I am beginning to understand all of the dynamics and that part of the beauty of marriage is the commitment to grow old together as my SO is 72. But god, it is a tough road and nature is not kind to us as we age and there is soooo much cultural emphasis on youthfulness and that it is a virtue to be young…it’s all very painful but I am learning to accept the road that must be taken into aging and becoming more loving towards myself.
“Of course, another common cliche is the desire for a younger partner, in an attempt to hang on to youth or get a second chance at making a relationship work.”
I am a mid-lifer in my late forties, and I am appalled that I am attracted to younger people. My LO in in his early thirties. The next one, a crush, 5 years younger. The latest another 5 years younger than the last. At this rate, I’ll be cradle snatching.
Cradle snatcher , Dog girl,
I’m much older than you both but my LO is eight years older than me. He was an ex SO, whom I loved dearly. Now stuck on those three beautiful years we spent together, and it’s killing me slowly …
I admire and celebrate handsome and athletic bodies of young men but not with lust. ( But I dream of being young again.) I was a late bloomer and passed my youth without checking this aspect of me , I was not into checking them out at all! Didn’t know what I was missing! I was more concerned with work and books… Oh , if we only were given a second chance at life???
Sending kind thoughts your way.
I totally understand. My attraction since my youth has always been to older mature women. Then here comes LO into my life. I didn’t ask for it. It was out of my control. And here comes this woman 10-15 years younger than me that totally grabs my attention. So besides the limerence I get the usual derision for having eyes for a woman that young at my age. But the whole office knew I “had a crush” on her. Truly embarrassing and shameful. So I get labeled as the usual mid life crisis old man eyeing younger women out of some desperation to be young again. When really I am quite content with my age.
Adam hi!
Each age has its beautiful and unique moments. Life is like a rose bud which slowly unfolds its precious petals at different stages of its existence, until it withers away, but the exquisite fragrance remains in the environment to be remembered with nostalgia when the petals finally fall to the ground…
The spirit within us is eternal, it never ages, therefore the longing, the yearning and craving for physical youth! One has to learn how to best deal with it gracefully and accept it, although reluctantly. Hmm…
Pablo Casals, the Spaniard/Puerto rican most famous cellist, composer and conductor, married three times, the last marriage when old , to a much , much younger girl. He was a very vigorous man! So was Luciano Pavarotti the Italian , famous tenor, he also married a very , very young girl at his old age and had a child. The late husband of Celine Dion , the Canadian famous singer, was also a very old man and had children with her. Remember the French president Francois Mitterrand and his young mistress, with whom he also had a child? Also, the ex Greek president, Andreas Papandreos, who divorced his wife Margaret and married a much younger
but matured women, in her forties, I think she was about that age, but had no children with his new young wife. It was a great scandal in Europe . But they didn’t give a hoot. He kept winning the elections!
Men have the privilege to marry much younger girls, whereas women are frowned upon if they choose a younger partner . It just doesn’t match, according to biology and society. In other words women have an expiration date to bear children , then they are apparently discarded . This makes me very 😞 sad. Older men prefer much younger girls over a mature one, that’s a fact. My SO is ten years older than me. I preferred older partners for their experience ,wisdom, and already economically, emotionally established. (Well, not all, my LO was older but was not economically established for his age, eight years older than me.) The younger fellows, of my age, were boring and immature for my taste. Too much philosophy can make you mature ahead of your times… not letting you enjoy your youth, it makes you too picky! My two cents.
Have a great weekend you all beautiful limerents!
MLC and Limerance, a hugely powerful combination that has led my SO to level the landscape of her life with such an explosive force, that while she is living her new best life, with her 17 year younger girlfriend, the rest of the family is picking through the rubble and seeing if anything is salvageable.
I will say this, knowledge is power, and i now know the ‘why’, which has helped me enormously.