Midlife is an interesting time. It begins to dawn on you that whatever endeavours you threw yourself into in early adulthood are coming to fruition. In many careers, it becomes clear – and pretty much settled – whether or not you will reach the highest levels. By definition, most people won’t. If you have children, they are growing to independence, and you start to face an empty nest. In love, your choices will have determined whether you are partnered in a long term relationship, bruised from bad encounters, alone, or living one of the many non-conventional models of interdependence.
The things that you decided to do with your life are no longer characterised by the promise of future achievement – it is now clear whether or not that promise has been, or will ever be, fulfilled. Regardless of the choices that you made, the realisation comes that you are halfway through your life and have to decide whether you are still happy with those choices. Our bodies also confront us with evidence of our age – grey hairs, wrinkles, flaccidity, menopause.
Halfway through your life. Or halfway to your death.
For some people this can cause a panic of regret and fear.
For others, it is closer to ennui – a sense of dissatisfaction and fatigue, and nostalgic loss.
It is also, perhaps unsurprisingly, the prime time for affairs.
Many people report that a peculiarity of midlife is a sudden eruption of libidinous energy and romantic interest in others. It’s been described as a second adolescence. Whether this is mainly a psychological response to the emotions of midlife, or also a hormonal surge due to physiological changes at midlife, is unclear. But the consequences are a powerful sense of a “last chance” for a fling, or open relationship, or to reinvent yourself with a new partner. This can be complicated by the realisation that your appeal has changed (for better or worse) with age: physical maturity, the confidence of experience, financial and emotional stability; all of these can affect the perception of your attractiveness to others. Of course, another common cliche is the desire for a younger partner, in an attempt to hang on to youth or get a second chance at making a relationship work. Equally, spending time in the company of other attractive midlifers going through the same suite of sensations can prove… combustible.
All of these factors come to a head and present a particular vulnerability for limerents. It may be a long time since a midlifer felt the pull of limerence, and if it has been an infrequent part of their life, it may be an unfamiliar challenge and upend their emotional stability. I’ve speculated before that limerence is a mechanism for establishing pair bonding, but as it typically only lasts for a few years at most, serial monogamy would seem to be the natural outcome. A sudden urgent sense that this is the last chance to find a new mate, coupled to resurgent limerence, is a powerful force.
Ultimately, all this turmoil may drive our midlife limerent into a tailspin, but what can be done?
Well, they could spend hours studying Jungian analytical psychology, take up a new hobby (maybe even a blog…), or just weather it as best as they are able with the coping skills they’ve developed through adulthood. Alternatively, they could embark on that affair, and start the second half of their lives by jeopardising everything they’ve achieved in the first half. It might work out. But it will probably come as no surprise to regular readers that I would instead advocate reflection and self-awareness. As the heart of this is self-honesty, and here are some blunt questions that could help:
1) Was I happy in my relationship before this started?
2) Do I honestly think that starting a new relationship will solve my emotional problems?
3) Am I facing the future or running away from it?
4) Do I want to let limerence determine my fate?
Usually with these bloggy ramblings I try to adopt a broad point of view about the nature of limerence, but this topic is a personal one for me, and so it’s hard to be objective. The first stage of my adult life is over. I am no longer a young man. I have a family, who are growing fast and will not need me so urgently in the coming years. I’m facing the second half of life, and determined to attack it with purpose. To take the opportunity to live well, and decide for myself how I want to measure success in the afternoon of my life. Luckily for me, I have a supportive wife that I love very much – and we’ve spent many enjoyable afternoons together already.
Here’s to a purposeful future.
When I hit 60, I asked my wife if since I didn’t have a mid-life crisis could I have a 2/3 life crisis instead?
Sometime, the woman has absolutely no sense of humor.
Thanks for the site and article. Please don’t ever stop writing them.
I’m going through this very thing…add to the fact that I’m in L with a woman 17 years younger than myself. We met 25 years ago when she was a adolescent and I was helping her with some struggles as a volunteer counselor. ZERO attraction then. Then, I run into her, in her late 30’s, and she tells me she has been in love with me all that time. Now add to the equation I’m struggling in my marriage, and you have an explosion at a sub-atomic level…enough to wipe out everything in its path.
Your writings are helping me cope with this. Many thanks,
Dear MS,
You’re very welcome – I don’t plan to stop writing, but do have to admit that I’ve slowed down a lot of late. Day-job getting in the way. But comments do help me know that there are people out there finding it valuable – so thanks.
I have to admit that the details of your story do seem like very potent circumstances for limerence. A woman who you helped long ago. Knowing that she’s been harbouring feelings for you for so long. Trouble with your marriage… Quite an emotional cocktail to deal with.
It really helped me to read Tennov’s book, and understand what was going on and why the limerence was so overwhelming. It was one of those times in life when knowledge was power: I was able to see clearly what was happening to me, and decide what I wanted, and could start to find strategies for coping. Hopefully the same ideas will work for you! It is possible to work through limerence – on the other side I can even look back and laugh at myself.
MS, glad to read a kindred soul. I too am fresh over 60 and “seemingly” in L with a young lady 30 yrs my junior. LwL has helped me greatly that this is LE and seeing her in her true self versus my young love rescuing me from a sexless marriage, professional stress, a level of depression from several key people in my life passing over the last several years. Hence a toxic mix for LE to get me.
One thing that is working for me is seeing my LO warts and all, hence, she really isn’t that special. She’s unreliable, undependable, selfish, avoidant, displays several narcissitic traits, appears to have significant trauma that she brings to the table. Then add, I’m trying to hard at NC (phasing it in to limit the withdrawal).
In short, I think I’m making progress as the glimmer of her is beginning to fade. All so that I won’t hopefully become the poster child for “… embarking on that affair, and start the second half of their lives by jeopardising everything they’ve achieved in the first half…”
I’m 52 and have been working the same job for almost my entire adult life. Five years ago the company relocated to another state and I moved there with my family. The company has definitely reinvented reinvented itself since the move. We’re in a city with a young hip culture. There are now lots of young recent graduates working for the company. A young woman joined the company just after it relocated and I have known her for almost 5 years now. Until recently, when my responsibilities at work have changed, we never really worked together on the same projects. Now we work together every day on the same projects and I’ve gotten to know her much better. I find myself feeling like a teenage boy and looking forward to going back to work each Monday so that I can be near her. I look at her social media constantly too. I love my wife and children and don’t know what to do to keep myself from feeling this way. Please help.
Hi Ernie, and welcome to LwL. It sounds like you are really battling with your feelings, LEs are such a contradiction aren’t they – euphoria, occasional despondency and that awful lack of control over our mind. I am a happily married mid-life limerent also. I hope you can see from this site that you are not alone and that many good married people suffer from exactly the same problem. Please take comfort from knowing that being very emotionally and/or physically attracted to another woman is not necessarily any reflection of how you feel about your SO and family, and is a natural part of being human. For most of us, it is not possible to last a lifetime without developing such feelings so please be kind to yourself and try to accept how you feel, understand that it is OK to feel that way and that you are not doing anything wrong. It sounds like you still really love your SO which is wonderful as it is important in this situation to ensure you continue to really appreciate and make the most of what you already have with her – your behaviour towards her is key. As well as browsing the blog articles, I would really recommend the Emergency Reprogramming course – it works and has a focus on analysing your specific situation, and taking concrete actions that will result in you gradually recovering from your limerent person addiction.
I disclosed to my SO, very carefully framing it as person addiction. It really helps having his support and understanding, plus it is a comfort knowing I am being honest. Is that a possibility for you?
Wishing you well.
WOW, this is a really interesting article!! My wife sent it to me after I fell off the rails with and AP. The short explanation makes perfect sense now and I’ve been watching limerence You tube videos that didn’t really sink in. I’m trying to steer a path of recovery with my SO and finding it difficult after Falling off the rails. Midlife crisis is difficult to recover from for sure as it’s hurting me and my family more than words can describe!