Recently, commenter BLE raised the issue of guilt. Specifically, guilt that she is currently finding it hard to be fully present for her son.
It’s a battle we all face – being there for the important people in our lives who we love, when we are consumed by the obsession of limerence. When our minds are fixated on LO, it becomes almost impossible to give other people the attention they deserve, and that leads to understandable guilt.
I’ve previously quoted a section from Dorothy Tennov’s book that encapsulates this problem, and I’m going to repeat it again as it is such a powerful story for any limerent parent struggling with their own “absence guilt”:
I remember the summer that Amelia turned three. She was an adorable child. Everyone commented. I was sitting on the porch. I had just received Jeremy’s farewell letter and was miserable over the rejection. For some reason I remember that Amelia tried to get up on my lap. She wanted me to read her a story. The painful part of the memory is that I turned her away and preferred to sit alone thinking of that horrible man than to care for and enjoy my little girl. How I wish I could get those days back again.
Oof. Precious moments that cannot be recovered.
OK. So, the problem is straightforward. Our minds are relentlessly pushing our attention in one direction, but our conscience is pushing us in another. What can be done to help manage this situation, and – most hopeful of all – quieten the insistent voice of limerence and get our minds back on the things and people that really matter?

1. Limerence is one of many lifequakes
Unfortunately, the fragility and unpredictability of life means that limerence is but one of many events that can disrupt our ability to function normally. Bereavement, divorce, bankruptcy, trauma, illness, burnout, redundancy – there is a depressingly long list of catastrophes that can dominate our minds so much that we can barely keep up with other responsibilities.
Limerence is somewhat different in that the initial period is ecstatic, and so that adds extra guilt to the tally because we know that in part we are neglecting other responsibilities while getting neurochemical kicks, but mostly the grinding guilt of personal shame comes later when the euphoria has transitioned to addiction. Then, like any other addict, we have to face the fact that we’ve driven ourselves into a destructive obsession.
Once we’re are there, though, caught in the trap, it doesn’t really matter anymore that we should of done things differently. In the present, we only really have one choice: give up, or start working to undo the damage.
Although this is obviously a demoralising perspective, it is also sobering to realise that limerence is just another disaster, and that coping and getting through these trials is an inescapable part of life. There are just times when you have to battle fearsome emotional trials, and all anyone can do is keep going.
2. It’s usually an accident
Most partnered limerents don’t set out to become infatuated. It happens through a combination of instinctively seeking reward, trying to compartmentalise our emotional lives, and naively believing that it’s possible to control escalating affection. Sometimes it’s a lack of vigilance about personal boundaries. Sometimes it’s a predatory LO. Sometimes it’s neglect of existing romantic relationships. There are lots of ways to unwittingly fall down the rabbit hole.
Learning about your vulnerabilities and where they came from is going to be an important part of lasting recovery, but you can’t undo the past, so focus on the future and what you will do differently next time the circumstances arise.
People can feel terrible guilt about accidents and torture themselves by going over what they could have done to avoid them. But all you can practically do is learn from them.
3. Autopilot is better than a crash
I’ve written before about autopilot mode and how it isn’t all bad. Of course, we should be fully present and aspire to better, but in the midst of a crisis there is nobility in just keeping going through the lifequake. Yeah, no one is proud of the fact that they’ve forgotten to buy groceries and so have to order takeaway food – or maybe cook some questionable meat product from the bottom of the freezer – to keep the kids fed, but it beats failing to feed your kids.
Stubbornly doing the right thing is a real, concrete good. It’s not ideal, but it’s a whole lot better than checking out completely.
4. Use the insights for recovery
These nudges in mindset can help shift your subconscious away from “I am a pathetic failure” to the more realistic “I have dug myself into a pretty deep hole”. But the next step is to acknowledge your predicament and start to improve it.
Every time you feel a wave of guilt over falling short of your hopes, use it as a cue to refocus on recovery. When you catch yourself ruminating when you should be paying attention, note the lapse, concentrate on refocusing, and make a concerted effort to re-engage.
Your goal is to get into the recovery mindset, and be honest with yourself about your lapses and missteps, but then recommit to your recovery goal. Don’t be contemptuous of your shortcomings, use them as prompts to test your mettle.

5. Be purposeful about deprogramming
A basic truth of limerence is that you unconsciously train yourself into the habits that reinforce it. That kind of mental programming rarely goes away without some effort to reverse the training. I see this as the area where neuroscience can be most useful for managing limerence, because the principles of deprogramming are based on well established psychological methods for disrupting established patterns of thought.
To stop the habits of rumination, LO seeking, social media stalking and bonding, you need to teach your subconscious new lessons. You can’t keep doing the same thing and expect a change in your circumstances.
6. Find positive things to do with your family and friends
Following on from the last point, if you have fallen into the habit of ruminating about LO when your attention should be with your loved ones, then that is another habit that needs to be broken. One surefire way of doing this is to disrupt old routines. Go to new places. Do new things together. If you really don’t feel like it, force yourself to do it anyway.

Try new foods, change your daily routines, listen to new music together, watch new films. Shake things up. You don’t need to make everyone’s lives hectic, the idea is to stimulate your mind with new inputs that haven’t been mentally associated with LO before. It is easier to keep your attention on the here and now if that involves experiencing unexpected events or sensations.
Ultimately, the motive behind this is to start having rewarding experiences with the people you want to make central to your life and your mind.
The rationale for all this mental reframing is that you have worked yourself into a mental trap that you need to now work yourself out of. Forgive yourself the human weakness that caused your distress, but set about crafting the conditions that will promote a better future. Draw on autopilot mode when you need to, as long as you are moving and not indulging in wallowing. Start looking forward, to your recovery, your purposeful future life, and a time when you no longer have to work to resist the urge to ruminate.
Few of us are able to always live up to our ideals. But trying is noble, and will get you closer.
Great post. I would like to add, when one is ready, it’s also helpful to go to the same restaurants, parks, museums etc that you went to with LO so as to rewrite over the existing associated memories. At first all you will think about is LO but in time the new experiences with people you have a healthy relationship will soften the LO memory and you can reclaim the locale as your own as the LO memory fades. It’s empowering!
Yes, good insight Jaideux – if we are going to keep living in the same community, we need to “reclaim” our home environment.
One to work up to when recovery is well on track.
“I would like to add, when one is ready, it’s also helpful to go to the same restaurants, parks, museums etc that you went to with LO so as to rewrite over the existing associated memories.”
@Jaideux.
Now that’s an interesting idea…
Pretty much my favourite poem is the sonnet starting “Time does not bring relief; you all have lied”, by American poet, Edna St Vincent Millay. It’s fairly obvious the speaker in the poem is talking about limerence.
At one point in the poem, the speaker says: “There are a hundred places where I fear/To go, – so with his memory they brim”.
At the end of the poem, hilariously, she admits she doesn’t even like going to places he never went, because it reminds her of that fact he never went there and so she’s still thinking about him!! Even the absence of any shared memories in a particular place trigger nostalgic thoughts. Beautiful poem, though. 😛
I also love the line from the same poem: “And last year’s leaves are smoke in every lane”.
“I would like to add, when one is ready, it’s also helpful to go to the same restaurants, parks, museums etc that you went to with LO so as to rewrite over the existing associated memories.”
Don’t do this with your SO because the risk of emotional leakage is high, they may ask “Why here?” and “Why now?” and if they get the slightest whiff of someone ‘special’ it can blow up. Few are going to embrace the idea that they are ‘sloppy seconds’ to someone who wasn’t an authorized participant in their marriage AND they are being used in this manner.
“Don’t do this with your SO because the risk of emotional leakage is high, they may ask “Why here?” and “Why now?” and if they get the slightest whiff of someone ‘special’ it can blow up.”
Yep.
I learned that lesson the hard way and only made that mistake once. In my case, it was taking my wife to a place I’d gone to with the LO I had asked to marry me before meeting my wife.
Despite the fireplace, you could almost see the icicles.
“I learned that lesson the hard way and only made that mistake once. In my case, it was taking my wife to a place I’d gone to with the LO I had asked to marry me before meeting my wife.”
Let me guess – you’re an engineer.
Marshmallow,
“Let me guess – you’re an engineer.”
Well, that’s what it says on my diploma and that’s how my employer codes me but I won the Social Studies Award in HS, not math or science. I get along better with people like lawyers and psychologists than I do with other engineers although I did have an affinity for nurses and got along really well with them.
My wife liked that I had experience. She didn’t like thinking about how I got that experience. It took a lot of really nice places off the table. Part of the experience was finding our places. We did.
As soon as we got engaged, I sold my house and most of my furniture. The bedroom set lasted until we had our own place but the mattress and sheets went immediately.
Ok, so maybe I made the mistake twice…
I had LO #2’s engagement ring custom made. It was a 2.5 carat brown diamond. Even after declining my proposal, she asked me once if she could wear it to some event but on a different finger. The woman had Chutzpah with a capital “C.”
After we were married, I was showing my wife my stuff. She took one look at that ring and went stone cold…again. I told her I’d dismount the stone and put it into whatever my wife wanted to make it. She said she would never wear that stone in anything as long as she lived. I could have dismounted the stone after breaking up with LO #2 but, honestly, I didn’t think about the ring. It was over two years from the time I’d asked LO #2 to marry me and meeting my wife.
My wife hasn’t seen it in over 30 years. I had the diamond unmounted and It’s in a safe deposit box in an envelope with the kids’ names on it.
Sometimes, we don’t even realize we’ve planted a mine until we step on it.
Thank you so much. I cried reading.
You’re welcome, BLE. It’s sometimes really hard to forgive ourselves, but it is the first step to getting better (in every sense).
“Following on from the last point, if you have fallen into the habit of ruminating about LO when your attention should be with your loved ones,”
I think it depends on the relationship. If you are raising children or have a serious romantic relationship or are maybe responsible for caring for a sick parent, then, yes, you need to be present. But I don’t think most other relationships require all that much. Two to four times a month I may meet up with a group of friends for drinks for a couple of hours without much communication in between the meetups. I don’t think they will suffer too much if I’m a bit checked out.
Song of the Blog: “The Stranger” – Billy Joel (1977)
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=q6yQ14TGB8U
“You may never understand
How the stranger is inspired
But he isn’t always evil
And he is not always wrong
Though you drown in good intentions
You will never quench the fire
You’ll give in to your desire
When the stranger comes along.”
If you believe this, you’ll never get rid of the guilt.
I won this album as a door prize in college.
Thank you a million times over, Dr. L, for this amazing, insightful, compassionate blog. I have been reading it regularly since being blindsided by limerence for the first time a year ago, and it has been such a lifeline. No one else seems to fully understand the experience except you and this supportive community.
I am struggling even more now because after six months of NC with LO, and me working very hard on trying to let go of my feelings (we are both married, I have young kids), we saw each other again last month for business-related reasons, and all the feelings were still there and he was even more open/admiring than before — and afterwards we were texting, and he expressed interest, but then didn’t respond after I asked more directly “you feel it, too?” He had said in the beginning last year that he thought we should keep things professional (he had separated from his wife a couple years earlier and then they had gotten back together, although it seems like out of obligation on his part…he also said at one point, “You’re beautiful, very attractive, but that doesn’t help me with trying to work on my marriage”), but then over time his behavior didn’t consistently reflect that – he would often get flirty, touchy, talkative with me when we would see each other or communicate via phone/text, but usually dancing right on the line since the reason we know each other is for business and we’re both married. The hot/cold behavior from him has left me confused as to his true feelings. (and I don’t think he knows mine — he probably knows that I’m somewhat interested but not that I’d consider upending my life for him)
Now we are supposed to see each again this week for business, but my SO has abruptly decided to come, too, (he has mentioned suspicions) and I feel devastated as I was hoping that this encounter (possibly the last one due to external circumstances) would finally bring some clarity/conversation – about how LO really feels, if his feelings match the extent of mine or not, about if we’d both be willing to take the risk of leaving our current lives to see if this could work between us, etc. It feels like the opportunity has now been snatched away from me forever (our in-person paths only cross for these business situations and this might be the last one), and I find that my heart is breaking. I am afraid that this meeting this week with SO inserting himself to be there (and bringing the kids along) will push LO away completely.
LO just consistently feels so right. Does it ever happen that LO is actually the person you’re supposed to be with rather than your spouse?
I really relate to your story LH. I am married, as is my co-worker LO. Like you, there are strong unspoken mutual feelings that I desperately want clarified.
“Does it ever happen that LO is actually the person you’re supposed to be with rather than your spouse?”
I don’t believe there is any one particular person we are supposed to be with – there are many people that we could potentially build a successful relationship with, and the success of that relationship is as much about commitment and skilful effort as it is about compatibility, and it is not at all about the emotional intensity or “rightness” felt at the start.
I find limerence to be so very seductive that it makes me question everything that I was once content with (SO!). Let’s face it, long term relationships (LTR) can be hard work and very humdrum, mine lacks emotional intensity and we do not feel that deep connection in the same way as we did at the start. That makes it easy for me to think that I should be with LO not SO. But it is a neurochemical illusion – a LTR with an LO would become like any other LTR in the end as the limerence always fades away to nothing, being replaced by a companionate/affectionate love if you are lucky. My SO was once an LO so I have experienced this. The only difference of course would be that the devastation caused by getting together with my LO would be a dark shadow forever haunting our lives.
What you do know for sure is that your LO wants to work on his marriage and make it success.
What is your relationship with SO like? And what was it like before you met LO?
@Allie
This is so well written Allie. My limerence story is very similar to yours. “strong unspoken mutual feelings” with a married coworker… that neither would confirm due to barriers. It comes out in us pouring ourselves in helping the other at work but we would not cross the line.
Yeah.. it is playing with fire..
How are you dealing with this?
“It comes out in us pouring ourselves in helping the other at work but we would not cross the line.”
Yes this it for me too! Except I would probably would cross the line given the chance – my LO maintains the boundary between us.
“How are you dealing with this?”
I accept how I feel, keep working on reducing the reveries & ruminating, and I live purposefully the best I can. I practice mindfulness and meditation a lot. Thus I just about manage the symptoms of my LE much of the time but never kill the cause. It feels painful occasionally, when the utter hopelessness of it really hits, and then I re-commit to ridding myself of the LE. But my foolish hope always returns.
“Does it ever happen that LO is actually the person you’re supposed to be with rather than your spouse?”
I’m not an expert on this, but I strongly lean towards NO. Simply because I don’t think you are “supposed” to be with anyone. I know there’s the argument of compatibility, but I think eventually it comes down to decisions that you make and whether you are willing to put in the work.
Limerence aside, are you happy in your marriage? It may be that you are not and you can decide it’s not what you want anymore, but that still doesn’t mean you are “supposed to be” with LO. I think those are decisions that should be made independent from each other. Because you don’t know what’s waiting on the other side. Even if LO decided to be in a relationship with you, it could be quite a shit show – you can’t know that.
(I know, easier said than done!)
I’d like to redirect to what Allie said – she put it in better words!
Sometimes, people seem to have a “type” they’re attracted to. Rod Stewart’s type is supemodels. A former neighbor got divorced. A buddy and I saw him in a restaurant with a woman and I asked my buddy if they’d reconciled. He said no, but those women could have been sisters. He definitely had a “type.”
After spending a whole lot of time on introspection and learning a lot from different sources, I think I’ve figured out my “type.” It’s the XSFJs MBTI profile. When I look at my life, I’ve had two LTRs. Combined, they total 38 years and they were ESFJ/ISFJ. I can’t really explain it but it just seems to work.
The women who I think elicited the most metaphysical, romantic, passionate and numinous reactions in me were XNTJs. There’s something about them that sings to me. I think we could operate on a whole other level. They could be “goddess class.” Things would be that good. That topic comes around periodically on LwL.
I’ve only encountered a few of them. I was either too young to appreciate them and they scared the crap out of me or I wasn’t available to find out.
It may have been glorious or, as you said,
“Even if LO decided to be in a relationship with you, it could be quite a shit show – you can’t know that.”
There’s what sings to you and what works for you.
Mortals who tangle with gods/goddesses often come to bad ends.
The whole notion of “type” figures prominently in my LE with LO #2. I probably have several different types of women I like and am attracted to, but LO #2 conforms to the type of girl I used to dream about back in high school. It took me a while to realize this was the girl I used to dream about when I was about 17. After growing up and becoming a middle class university educated professional, I told myself I was looking for something different, but since meeting LO #2, I began to question whether I ever truly gave up on the type of woman I used to dream about. Perhaps I was right back then, and any attempts to change what I was looking for amounted to ignoring what I really wanted in a woman?
Having long hair and being into heavy metal as a teenager, I liked the classic 80s rocker chick look back then (long hair parted down the middle, tight jeans and maybe a leather jacket). More than anything, I dreamed of having a nice girlfriend who liked much of the same music I do. I also wanted someone with a good head on her shoulders who was also somewhat ambitious, intelligent and successful. But I told myself that was just a silly schoolboy fantasy and that things like musical taste don’t matter very much, if at all. I also told myself it would be very difficult to find someone like that who had everything I was looking for.
Then I met her. This woman is a fair bit older than me, but she doesn’t look it at all. She is gorgeous and she puts women half her age to shame. LO #2 is beautiful and slim, with a fantastic figure and nice auburn hair. She is a fun, exciting, hilarious, intelligent, successful, hard-working woman and a decent person. She has a nice home in a nice area. And she is a metalhead! It is fantastic going out to metal and hard rock shows with her and rocking out and dancing with her. She even enjoys some of the newer heavy music I’m into. Even though she is older than me, she is showing no signs of slowing down, and she keeps fit and active. I swear this is the girl I used to dream about back in high school. Was I wrong to change my mind about what I was looking for all those years ago? Even my wife doesn’t have everything on my “checklist” I developed by my early 30s.
But alas, I am still not separated from my wife due to financial and logistical issues. LO #2 and I are again becoming very close friends. We hang out quite a bit and we have confided a lot in each other. But she has told me several times how much she loves guys with long hair (I am bald with a shaved head). She also likes beards, but I don’t think I would really suit one. I also get the idea she would ideally like to meet a musician type or more of a blue collar type guy. So, in the end, I am probably not her type, despite her being mine in many ways. But can people go for someone who isn’t their usual type? I did tell her I don’t think guys my age or older should feel the need to wear some heavy metal uniform 24/7, and she agreed with me. She did also flirt with me quite a bit a while back. I tell myself there’s lots of rocker guys these days with shaved heads. I realize this is all academic because I’m still married and won’t cheat on my wife as long as that is the case, but a guy can dream, can’t he? Do things like musical tastes matter?
VL,
“Do things like musical tastes matter?”
They can. I’ve never been limerent for anyone I wasn’t or really wanted to be attached to. For me, that didn’t happen instantaneously.
LO #4 ran a website on a subject my wife had absolutely zero interest in. That’s not a deficiency. My wife is interested in things I have no interest in. My wife likes looking at Open Houses on Sundays. My idea of hell is an endless Sunday of driving between Open Houses and stopping at fabric stores in between.
LO #4 liked what I had to say and asked me to be a moderator on her site. Over time, our conversations went into other areas of our lives. I could see she was unhappy and went down a path I shouldn’t have gone down. It almost blew up on me.
So, yeah, sometimes little things mean a lot.
Very true, LE. Little things like personal interests can make a huge difference to how compatible people are. Having said that, I strongly believe we can’t and shouldn’t have all of our needs met by our SOs (and I believe you kind of alluded to that with your wife’s interest in open houses and fabric stores). We need other people and interests in our lives, as well as some time alone and with people other than our spouses. I also don’t think I would like to meet someone who is an exact female clone of myself. Sometimes our differences can help us complement one another, and our partner’s strengths can help us overcome our own weaknesses.
For a long time, I thought my interest in dating or even marrying someone with similar musical tastes was immature and silly. Back in high school during the 1980s, our peer groups and cliques were very segregated along musical lines. It was kind of stupid in a way, and I always remembered that kind of animosity and segregation from back then getting in the way of broadening one’s circle of friends. I later began to think of any idea that I would like to meet a metalhead (or at least someone who likes hard rock and/or alternative rock) as limiting myself and focusing on something that isn’t really all that important. But I have to admit that it is so fantastic hanging out with a fun, beautiful, exciting lady who likes much of the same music I do and will go to rock shows with me. It is so different from my wife, who has very little in common with me musically and will often shout, “Turn that f**king shit off!” when I am playing my music.
I really relate to your story LH. I am married, as is my co-worker LO. Like you, there are strong unspoken mutual feelings that I desperately want clarified.
“Does it ever happen that LO is actually the person you’re supposed to be with rather than your spouse?”
I don’t believe there is any one particular person we are supposed to be with – there are many people that we could potentially build a successful relationship with, and the success of that relationship is as much about commitment and skilful effort as it is about compatibility, and it is not at all about the emotional intensity or “rightness” felt at the start.
I find limerence to be so very seductive that it makes me question everything that I was once content with (SO!). Let’s face it, long term relationships (LTR) can be hard work and very humdrum, mine lacks emotional intensity and we do not feel that deep connection in the same way as we did at the start. That makes it easy for me to think that I should be with LO not SO. But it is a neurochemical illusion – a LTR with an LO would become like any other LTR in the end as the limerence always fades away to nothing, being replaced by a companionate/affectionate love if you are lucky. My SO was once an LO so I have experienced this. The only difference of course would be that the devastation caused by getting together with my LO would be a dark shadow forever haunting our lives.
What you do know for sure is that your LO wants to work on his marriage and make it success.
What is your relationship with SO like? And what was it like before you met LO?
I’ve been reading a lot about Fantasy Prone Personality (FPP). I feel it describes my life quite a bit.
Is there an overlap between FPP & limerence?
I’m wondering if FPP causes you to consistently spend time ruminating on *something* other than the (humdrum seeming) real world that should be your focus. And in many of our case, that *something* is LO.
:Is there an overlap between FPP & limerence?”
Who knows?
What references are you looking at? I found a few. One of the ones I saw said, “The modal MMPI profile for the fantasizers was an 8-9 code, indicating that fantasizers appear at heightened risk for eccentric thinking and a Cluster A or B personality organization.” https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/10668009/
Cluster As are Paranoid and Shizoid disorders. Cluster Bs are Borderlines, Narcissists, Histronics, and Anti-socials. On LwL, Cluster Bs are more often associated with LOs than the limerents themselves.
The summary to https://www.academia.edu/16426369/The_Creative_Experiences_Questionnaire_CEQ_a_brief_self_report_measure_of_fantasy_proneness says that FPP traits may be “shaped by aversive childhood experiences” or “…extreme but essentially normal variations in certain neuronal processes (e.g., limbic hyperactivity). Much of DrL’s work is on LwL relates to the latter. My personal experience relates to the former.
The above link has the questions to the CEQ. I’m between a 7-9 depending on how literally I read the question.
If there’s a poll that asks, “Do you think FPP influenced you as a limerent?” My response would be “No.”
Guilt is a huge issue for me. I have been limerent now for almost 22 months, first for LO #1 and then for LO #2. That caused me tremendous guilt about my marriage (I haven’t and won’t go down the road towards a physical affair as long as I am married and still together with my wife), but I began to realize that for me the limerence was only the symptom, not the disease itself. It was telling me I needed to deal with my serious marital and family issues and also my job and career. After a long and agonizing period, I came to the conclusion that I wanted a divorce. I have told my wife this several times, but she isn’t on the same page at all. Still, I have read several times that it is usually one party who decides to end a marriage, and by the time that person breaks the news to their partner, they have already kind of grieved the end of the relationship. The other partner needs time to catch up and process that the relationship is over. I believe that is where I am with my wife, and I still need to give her some time. I still care about her and don’t want her to be my enemy, so I would like our separation and eventual divorce to be as cordial as possible. There also is just hardly enough money for one household, never mind two. Logistically, I don’t know where I would go (houses and apartments are extortionately expensive in our area). So, I am still dealing with divorce guilt, but it isn’t as tough as it was maybe six or eight months ago.
I feel some level of guilt for my limerence specifically, but I remind myself that I am in a marriage where we’re living like roommates and that something like limerence for someone else is totally understandable under the circumstances. I also remind myself that I never allowed anything to progress to the level of a physical affair, and as long as I am living with my wife in the same household, I won’t let it happen. A couple of months ago, I received some validation that other women would find me attractive if I were single. A really attractive woman about 10 years younger than me hit on me in a bar, and she was angry when she found out I was married (I thought she just wanted to dance with me but apparently she was looking for more). That took some pressure off of my LOs and made me realize I could probably find someone else if my wife and I went our separate ways. I was ecstatic that a woman that good looking would be interested in me! I was flattered and happy, yet frustrated at the same time because I wasn’t in a position to do anything about it (thankfully the interaction was very short, so I never developed limerence for her).
Another type of guilt I am dealing with at the moment is about my job. I honestly hate my job and am desperate to get out of there, but I don’t seem to qualify for anything else at the moment. Any new job would have to be a career change (what I do is very specialized and it’s in a declining industry). The problem is that my work performance has suffered as a direct result of my limerence. However, COVID, other family issues, working from home and my job and career woes have negatively impacted my performance as well, just as my workload has increased dramatically. I cannot seem to get motivated at work, and my LOs end up being a more pleasant distraction (I am typing this as I am supposed to be working). A couple of times, I thought I had turned the corner, but I can’t seem to buckle down. Is anyone else experiencing this? Any coping strategies for working in a job you hate while simultaneously dealing with limerence? I did go for individual counselling, and it helped a little, but not nearly enough. I keep telling myself that I need to buckle down, get caught up at work, figure out what’s next and leave with my head held high, but I just can’t seem to put in any real sustained effort these days.
Vicarious, I can totally relate and sympathize to how it feels to be at work and dealing with limerence. For 2 years I was so distracted. It was so awful and I feel very ashamed and guilty about it. It actually affected my work output and relations with some of my coworkers, who will never know what my problem was. My LO was not a co-worker, but would distract me all day with texts and phone calls from several states away. We never actually met in person, but the LE was overwhelming and I think it was mutual. It took a lot of hard work to get where I am “meh” now. But I want you to know that I share that same feeling about work and guilt. I think you should really take a look at what else out there could be a possibility, given your skill set. You mentioned you are in a certain industry but skills are skills…like managing, negotiating and so on….they can be applied elsewhere.
I personally tend to think that my being bored with work was part of my vulnerability to limerence. I was just hanging in there waiting for an early retirement date to come. I have now retired. But, looking back, if I had lived with more purpose and looked for new options, I might have avoided this whole mess I got myself into. “Might have!”
Anyway, I feel for you. You might be surprised what else is out there. Maybe work with a coach and brainstorm some ideas? Best of luck to you!
Thanks for the suggestions. I am a bit late in responding, so you may not see this. I understand the points you are making. The problem is that employers are so focused on hiring only people who have held the exact same job in the exact same industry using the exact same tools and technology in an organization with a similar culture. Employers want the sun, the moon and the stars these days. My job is so specialized it makes it difficult to make a career change.
I am actually pretty good at and enjoy maybe five or six different things (and all of them relate to my current and previous role), so that is another problem because I find it hard to narrow one field down and jettison all of those other skills and competencies. It is difficult to waste all of that time, money and effort on one thing, but at this point I am focused on a slight pivot to a similar role (with the same job title) in a slightly different industry. I think I can leverage a lot of what I know, but I will need to acquire some technical skills to do it (I am not technical and it can be difficult to break into the tech industry, especially in one’s 50s). But the type of job I want to move towards is well-paid and high in demand, and most of the people who do that job aren’t in their 20s. I am pretty sure I will focus on that, but that means I have to ignore a whole lot of other interests, passions, skills, education and experience. But the thing is I have thought up a side hustle that uses a lot of those skills and experience. The thing is even that will require me to take some additional courses, and I’m not sure about trying to qualify for two new careers simultaneously. Still, I can start my side hustle in a smaller way and scale it up once I acquire the necessary skills and qualifications. It could even eventually be my full-time gig if it really works out. That will help me to make some money, pay off some debts and even allow my wife and I to go our separate ways while ensuring we can both be financially independent.
The problem is I really need to buck up at my work, grit my teeth, put my nose to the grindstone, stop thinking about my LOs and get caught up. I am months behind at work and I would be in serious trouble if my superiors found out. I have little to no motivation, but I am starting to find I can get motivated on certain days and at certain times (particularly when I come into the office rather than working from home). I need to focus on the prize and the need to leave with my head held high. To do that, I am going to need to battle my limerence a little better than I have been. I thought I had turned the corner, but the last few weeks saw me regress a bit in my ruminations over LO #2 (and even LO #1, who was on my mind quite a bit today).
Learning about limerence has already changed my life. I’ve suffered with this one way or another for most of my adult life, as have other women in my family. (Plus, now I know why Madam Bovary terrified me when I read it)…about 50 years ago, my older sister, who was 21 at the time, committed suicide because as her note said, “my wife left me and I loved her very much.” Last summer my sisters and I reconnected with my sister’s former partner who hadn’t known about the note…what she told us amazed us. She had been called away for the weekend because her parents had been in an accident while on vacation and she had to bring them home. THAT was the “rejection” over which my sister killed herself, (although it was also final exam time at her college and if she was all limerent at the time, who can say?) I just can’t believe this is the first time I’m hearing about this…I mentioned it to a friend who is a psychologist and she’d never heard of it either (research psychologist…not clinical). My big problem right now is that while my last experience as a limerent was over 7 years ago, it was a doozy that lasted 3 years and was very painful. I’ve avoided relationships since but I met a man about 8 months ago and although things are extremely pleasant and there’s more reciprocity in this relationship than I’ve ever experienced before, learning about limerence at this particular time has me scared that I’m getting too close, too soon again. How can I avoid going down the same path yet again? I’ve talked to my partner directly about limerence and my history (and he seems to have had some limerent experiences as well) and we’ve promised to watch out for each other. Any other suggestions to help make sure things stay sane and on track? Thank you very very very much!
Welcome!
Here’s the Blog Archive link. It has all DrL’s articles: https://livingwithlimerence.com/blog-archive/
Keep reading!
Hi,
My apologies in advance for posting such a long-winded and incoherent message.
I am not sure where to start my limerence story. I am 40+ year-old closeted gay, living a happy and content life. I don’t have any partners and I have been living single. One fine morning in April or May this year, I stepped out of my flat to get a coffee from a near-by café, and on my way to the café, I saw a gorgeous-looking young man, who appeared to be in his early 20s, go past me. I thought to myself how charming that guy was(I refer to him as Mr.Charming in this post). Then I returned home with my coffee, joined work calls on laptop, and I completely forgot about the guy. So, there was hardly any recollection of that guy from that point onwards. After about two weeks, I again went to get my morning coffee from the same café, and I happened to see the same Mr. Charming and this time from up close. I found him even more handsome and charming than the first time. Like the first time, I returned home, enjoyed my coffee and got busy with remote calls while working from home. I did not think about that guy at all for next few weeks. I had absolutely no idea who he was, where he worked, where he lived, of what heritage he was etc.
In June, I went overseas for 3 weeks; and upon my return, I was busy looking for a new job. Around mid-August, I had two job offers – one with company A and another one with company B. I was all in on joining the company B, but there was a last minute change of heart. And, I ended up joining company A because that office location is just across the road for me. On my first day at work, there was a series of introductory meetings. I was attending one such meeting and, for some reason, just peeped out from the glass wall in the meeting room and I saw a glimpse of Mr. Charming walking past the meeting room. My initial reflect was that it was a figment of my imagination. Maybe I was under some illusion and, surely, that could not be Mr. Charming. I did not see the guy for next few days. So far so good. After a week or so, I happened to see the guy from about 8-10 metres and this time there was no doubt, it was Mr.Charming.
I was staggered by this coincidence that the guy I saw on the street was going to be my colleague and sat on the same level as I was. Not sure if it was some sort of premonition or clairvoyance, I wanted to avoid bumping into Mr.Charming just in case I get too fascinated by him. At that point, I hardly knew a word such as “limerence” existed in the dictionary. Unwittingly, I went too hard and too soon. At all costs, I wanted to avoid any potential repeat of obsession that I had experienced with a couple of other guys more than 10 years ago. So, I started avoiding any contact or chance encounter with this person. Up to this point, I was in total control of myself. After a week or so, I started experiencing early symptoms of Limerence. As days rolled on, I continued to avoid this guy, but it was getting increasingly difficult for me to stop thinking about him. To add to my woes, I happened to bump into this guy on a Sunday while I was out for shopping. On one other occasion, when I was returning home from a daylong visit to a different site, out of reflex, I looked at the entrance of our office (because the office was enroute to my home), guess what? I saw Mr.Charming out of the office. With each sighting of him, my limerence level kept rising. After a week or so, this guy was away from work for a few days and hence there was no distraction for me. However, a part of me was missing his absence – so much so that upon his return to work after a week, as soon as I saw him, my heart throbbed so fast as if I had a heavy dose of caffeine. That was the first time I experienced how strong the phenomenon of limerence I was sucked into.
That was the first time I realised how deeply I was into the state of limerence. With each passing day, my obsession kept growing and now my sleep was getting affected. I started waking up at 3 am or 4 am and found difficult to go back to sleep. Through out this time, I remained avoiding my LO, and I did not have a single direct encounter wherein we faced each other. Around this time in early October, I sensed that my LO observed I was avoiding him as there were two awkward moments when I turned my eyes away from him — to the point of being construed as a rude prick. In mid-October, to my utter consternation, the mother of all coincidences occurred. The LO’s job role was changed and as part of his new role, he had to move his work location. Incredulously, his new desk was just next to mine and our desks were such that we face each other while working. This was the final straw that broke camel’s back. While I could avoid eye contact and chance meetings while he was sitting a few desks aways, from mid-October onwards that was untenable and I had no where to hide. So, I started greeting him “good morning” and “good bye” and he reciprocated and vice-versa. In the last two months since he moved his desk, he has been looking at me at times as if to suggest why I don’t go beyond greetings. Whole of this period, I never had any romantic or sexual fantasies involving my LO. But what is undeniable is that I am profoundly in limerence with him and I am still in awe of his gorgeous looks. And I also have a strong belief that he is straight and has a girl friend. What is more, I gathered that Mr.Charming has the same heritage (racial origin) as that of mine.
With this background, I don’t know what to do. My limerence and fascination with this guy is untenable – not just in terms of realism, but from moralistic angle as well. On any criterion — age, sexual orientation, physical appearance — there was hardly any match between us. So, having any relationship with this guy was never on my mind. So that baffles me even more why I continue to suffer from this malignant influence of limerence. I am like a dog that chases a car. So, I don’t know if that guy does start speaking to me, what I am going to do.
For the first few weeks after this guy relocated to my opposite desk, my limerence seemed to have faded — at least, that is what I thought. But I was patently wrong: my sleep patterns have changed in last two months or so. I have been waking up too early and finding it difficult to return to sleep again. With no romantic urge or sexual gratification of any sort, I just don’t see what is the point of my limerence?
In a way, I brought this upon myself. I always had the hubris that emotionally I was so balanced that nothing could faze me as I have always been good at moving on from unpleasant or painful episodes due to my varied interests in sports, music, literature, politics etc. The events in the last three months have shone a light on how vulnerable (emotionally) I had always been, and thoughts on a complete stranger could render me this helpless. I always thought relationships were never my thing and I still firmly believe that I have no interest in pursuing a relationship — even with Mr. Charming. That is why all this suffering feels completely pointless.
Your post is a few months old. But I find it heart wrenching. If you’re still on the blog, I hope things have improved. You are sincere. You recognize the malignancy. That will help.