An article from the Sydney Morning Herald has been doing the rounds on social (and legacy) media of late: Less than a month after I met my soulmate, I ended my 14-year marriage.
Now, people have had a lot of fun at Ms Trenfield’s expense, and it’s easy enough to see why, but I read the article with that horrible sinking feeling of a limerent who’s been round the carnival ride a few times.
The striking thing for me was that the description of Amanda’s fateful conference experience was like a super-distilled, maximum-strength, mainlined-straight-into-the-vein, limerence Jägerbomb.
For those that don’t click links: the summary of the plot is that Amanda Trenfield was having problems in her marriage of 14 years, and she and her husband decided to attend a conference together:
I saw it as a perfect opportunity for us to reconnect, as we had become quite distant. I believed that time away from the stress of everyday life was the perfect remedy to reignite our relationship.
Befitting the sense of impending doom that radiates from that study in feigned optimism, she instead had a full-on, limerence-at-first-sight incident with one of the other conference guests, Jason.
There is a bit of a conspicuous absence for the husband during the next part of the story, where she spent the whole night in the bar with LO, but here are some of the ways she describes the experience:
By the time the group left the restaurant late in the evening, all my senses were on high alert. It was abundantly clear that the energy between Jason and me was somehow charged. I instinctively understood, though, that this was more than just lust, something I had felt many times before. I also understood that it was more than simply physical attraction, but I just couldn’t put my finger on it.
The electricity between us was strong and raw. It travelled to my core. It was so intense I needed to break eye contact. He. We. The energy. It was electric. My body was completely charged. I was completely “on”.
I loved talking with him. I felt warm, relaxed and safe in his presence. I felt I could truly be myself, at a level I wasn’t familiar with.
I had never felt anything like this before. I had never experienced this sensation. I didn’t understand the energy. It was like an out-of-body, or perhaps an “in-body”, experience.
All the archetypal symptoms of limerence laid out. All in one fateful night.
Amanda interpreted this experience as a connection of souls. She resolved to act on her new feelings, and less than a month later she left her husband and family – and does deserve some credit, I think, for doing this before anything physical had happened with her LO – only to discover that Jason did not think they were soulmates, and had presumably just been looking for a bit of extramarital action.
So, what lessons can be learned from Amanda’s very public confessional?
1. It’s prompted the inevitable binary response in commenters
The comments on the various newspaper sites that have picked up the story follow the same pattern as ever – each tribe judging the other, and arguing the rightness of their own moral case. If you pursue limerence fantasies, you can expect this response. If you are struggling with your own limerence drama, you’ll be able to find validation of your view from someone – the trick is in distinguishing the useful from the self-serving.
Try reading through some of the comments from each side and analyse the feelings they provoke in you. Are they the voice of your conscience, the voice of temptation, or the voice of judgemental scolds?
It’s easy to talk yourself into any perspective, so you have to be quite good at metacognition to really step back from the feelings that surface and really think about why you feel them.
We learn from stories. It can be useful to scrutinise the experiences of those brave enough to share theirs in public, and see the reaction it causes in you.
2. Limerence is happening in your head
Jason was apparently unaware of the firestorm going off in Amanda, or he was happy to go along with it for the anticipated benefits. The strength of her limerence was not a reliable indication of what was actually happening between them.
To her, this was an astonishing, literally life-changing connection of the souls. To him… not so much. That epic feeling was all in her. No outside cosmic force was stirred between them. No coming together of sundered Twin Flames.
Fundamentally, limerence is a deeply personal experience. LO is not special because there is something intrinsically magical about them; they are special because of your personal triggers.
They might light a fire, but the flames are all within yourself.
3. You can salvage some wisdom from the experience
Amanda has turned her experience into a publishing deal and a life coaching business. There are snarky things to be said about this, but there is a part of me that admires the purposeful response. She did not collapse, blame others, or try to deny responsibility. She came to terms with the situation and tried to learn some life lessons from it.
Several innocent people got hurt by her decisions, but that damage was done regardless of how she responded subsequently. Others might perhaps have been more humbled than to declare themselves a “self-actualized superstar”, but the hope is that some wisdom can be salvaged from the wreck of an old life.
More usefully for the rest of us, it is possible to learn from Amanda’s example without having to go through a personal the catastrophe. It is possible to skip to the purposeful transformation without blowing up your life.
Drifting through an unthinking life is one of the surest ways of making yourself vulnerable to limerence. Someone else’s lesson can wake you up to that if you pay attention.
A cautionary tale of supercharged limerence, then, but with one loose thread…
Yes I read this story yesterday too and just thought “Wow, Limerence to a T.”
Unlike many of the commentators I didn’t think of it at all as “she ruined her life.” I, too, admired her purposeful response re: making a decision about her relationship before disclosing, turning her life around once it didn’t go as expected, and not being ashamed of herself, to the point of sharing this story publicly with the world even as she probably suspected it would paint her in a negative light.
I hope she lives her best life from here on out, benefiting from the ultimately powerful growth and self-reflection journey that limerence can spur. I can’t think of a single thing in my life that caused me to grow as much as my limerence did.
I think the whole thing is crazy. She meets some guy, they have a flirtatious evening, and without talking to him again she ends a 14-year marriage that produced two children. And then she writes a memoir called “When a Soulmate Says No”? Um … he ‘s not her soulmate. She’s still not getting it. I mean, if you want to leave a marriage, leave the marriage, but this is an exaggerated example of why one should never, ever leave for something as elusive and unpredictable as an LO. And in typical LO fashion, he felt much less than she did and was just looking for some sideage. It would be different if the title of the memoir was “Met Someone Who Showed Me My Life Was a Sham,” or something like that. But she’s still in La La Land.
Maybe she should have titled her memoir “When and imaginary soulmate says no”.
😄
On a slight morbid note, Amanda’s LE at least turned out more purposeful in the end than Carl Tanzler’s tale with his dead LO. This to me is the worst case of Limerence I’ve heard of to date. He was even called a Romantic by a lot of his supporters back in the day. All classic LE patterns of unhappy marriage and midlife were there.
If anyone wants to know more about the story, Ask a Mortician’s YouTube channel has a better story than most as it focuses more on the LO that didn’t consent or return Tanzler’s feelings.
https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=y5m3_xUawAY
For those who don’t click links or do not have stomach for morbid stories, let’s just say a RuPaul’s Drag Race winner, Sharon Needles, wrote a song inspired by this cautionary tale called “Dead Girls Never Say No”, which probably gives you an idea how it all ended up.
I don’t know if I’d call that limerence. He sounds mentally ill.
What a story! Almost funny yet horrific and tragic all at the same time. Certainly the most fertile limerent imagination I have ever heard of.
Seems like a “dodgy LO” was taking advantage of the situation, feeding her, making her take a sip of his wine, the hug etc.
He knew exactly what he was doing.
Wonder why her husband was mute through all of this?
And why was the LO at this conference?
I think we have all been played for fools by dodgy LO’s.
It’s certainly good to be reminded that the fireworks of limerence are all in our heads and the other person may be deliberately igniting them for their own ego boost.
“It’s certainly good to be reminded that the fireworks of limerence are all in our heads and the other person may be deliberately igniting them for their own ego boost.”
I think you can have a moment with someone (which is what this was) that can mean something to them, too (although in this case the LO was sketch). But that is what it is — a moment (a lot of limerence is just a bunch of sexy moments tied together in the limerents’ mind to mean more). It doesn’t mean the other person is going to blow up their life for you or that that moment translates into anything other than what it was.
She’s at the opposite end of limerence limbo. She’s not spending years ruminating over someone without making a move … she’s diving in whole force immediately and forever altering the lives of 3 other people. It seems very impulsive and selfish. I would have thought that writing an entire memoir (the time, effort and self reflection it takes) may have given her a different perspective but it sounds like she is still at the the height of limerence.
Wow someone written the book about LE, I am living through this right now. My SO of 15 years left for LO. Only took 4-5 weeks from the day they met to Divorce and 3 more weeks till moved out date. Talking to SO is like talking to a 10 year old kid, yet there is so much anger towards me, not even sure where it’s coming from. Even our kid is saying mum is behaving strange. Before mum used to do everything for a kid NOW she does everything for her LO and very little special treatment for a kid. – that’s what a kid said. This is a real Extreme case of Limerence. I am 7 month into this thing, she lives with LO and they make it seem like they been together 20+ years. I don’t know who she is, is she an alien?
I am so so sorry Jay V, that sounds truly heart-breaking for you and your children!
This may not be what you want to hear but I believe you are being overly generous in justifying your SO’s rash and selfish actions as “an extreme case of limerence”. Many married limerents on this site have suffered equally overpowering feelings for an LO but our response was to seek out a way to understand and manage those feelings in order to avoid hurting the people we most love.
Allie, you are 100% correct SO actions are extremely selfish and in many ways odd. I am not a judge. Who know maybe LO taking advantage of her or influenced the decision. But it’s a same situation or rather similar to the article “when soulmates say NO”. I personally had LE less then 20 years ago and it ended bad for me not LO. I had to pull myself out of it because 8 month into it I could not concentrate on anything other then LO. It was that bad and I ended it right in the middle of LE. I cut all contact, Zero, took me over 2 years to get myself back into good emotional state.
Hi Jay V,
I am new on this site, and actually the same scenario happened to me just recently. My husband left me for his LO with the full blown LE just starting a month when i found out about it. He wants to divorce ASAP, and he is a changed person that I don’t recognize anymore. He fell head over heels in love with his LO.
I agree with Marcia. This does not tell the tale of a dodgy LO to me. He was attracted to her, she was attracted to him, and she, despite being married, responded to his advances. That was her active choice. The fact that the flirtations ignited a powerful limerent reaction in her but not him is not really his fault. Some people are naturally charming and that is not the same as someone consciously and deliberately weaving a spell to enslave the emotions of others. Ultimately her reaction to him is down to the machinations of her mind. Learning to enjoy the charming nature of some people, while understanding that their charm is all about them and not at all about you is a life skill.
Actually I wrote that he was sketchy, but to what extent I’m not sure. The post here says he was just looking for some side action, and it sucks if you’ve met someone who made the earth move for you, but for them all they wanted was a 10-minute grope in the closet. It is what it is, but it still hurts.
I am not sure of the time frame or exactly what happened with the LO. She met him, and without talking to him again, left her husband a month later. What she said to the LO and what he said to her after she left her husband are unclear.
To me, if you are going to heavily flirt with someone all night, at least be down for a one-off. There are people who will heavily flirt for sport, but it seems like a cruel thing to do. If someone is getting repeated offers from people they aren’t interested in, then, yes, they are flirting too heavily and it is on them. I don’t have enough details to even speculate if that happened here.
“But that is what it is — a moment (a lot of limerence is just a bunch of sexy moments tied together in the limerents’ mind to mean more)”
It was this I particularly liked. We infer far too much from far too little.
Romantic moments:
https://youtu.be/wwdlEUq8t3o
I love “Crazy Ex-Girlfriend!”
My personal favorites:
“Settle For Me” – https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wmbLB4OIuao [Ehhh…no…]
“It Was A Shitshow” – https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=b-tAiOVMYFY [His only mistake is turning around and looking back]
“I Gave You A UTI” – https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=W_pi8yBaooQ [“Don’t ruin this for me!”]
I could have written all of these.
Ha ha ha!! Never seen “Crazy Ex-Girlfriend!”… hilarious!
Allie 1,
I recommend it. The early seasons before Santino Fontana left were brilliant. After that, I thought the series fell off.
I probably dated every one of the women on that show, at least once in my life.
Rebecca was LO #2. I have 2 professional opinions [vice diagnoses] that LO #2 was a Borderline. If LO #2 was ever diagnosed as Borderline, she never admitted it to me.
My favorite was Heather. https://cxg.fandom.com/wiki/Heather_Davis
We are always so quick to label an ex as crazy or unstable, picking apart all their deficiencies. I wonder how they describe me. Maybe my ex who wanted to get married is probably calling me “My Avoidant Ex-Girlfriend.” Of course, I was avoiding him, specifically, but I’m sure it was easier for him just to describe me as avoiding everyone. Maybe the LO I dated briefly is calling me “My Wants Too Much Ex-Girlfriend.” Who knows?
Marcia,
The only reason I cared about what LO #2 might have been was if she was a Borderline, nothing I could have said or done would have altered the outcome.
I was brought up to believe that there’s little you can’t fix and what you can’t fix you can work around. It didn’t take one therapist to make me believe otherwise, it took two. Some things are just beyond you.
LO #2 looked me straight in the eye and said, “I can’t control you…The harder you tried, the more I resented you for it…” I asked her if I had been playing a game that I could never win and she replied, “Pretty much.”
It doesn’t matter how LO #2 is with anyone else. It only matters how she was with me. LO #2 earned her label.
I have my theories about what some of my exes had in terms of mental health issues, but I am not a trained mental health professional. And even if I discussed them with a therapist, the therapist would still need to evaluate them individually to be sure.
Just thinking out loud about how the exes would describe us. Some of it might be comical. Some of it might be quite telling.
Allie, it’s on Netflix and I think it’s great. First 2 seasons especially but the rest also.
Marcia, it certainly has that angle to it, as in the lead is ‘crazy’ but there’s a good dose of nuance buried in there too.
It’s also really limerence heavy. Joyous in parts but darkly tragi-comic in others and plenty ridiculous too.
Love Kernels
https://youtu.be/bkAjUBtn_TM
“It’s a stretch but I’ll take that too'” 😂
Thomas,
“Marcia, it certainly has that angle to it, as in the lead is ‘crazy’ but there’s a good dose of nuance buried in there too.”
“High Fidelity” shows a guy going to visit his exes to see what went wrong. It’s a great movie.
More of the Best of “Crazy Ex-Girlfriend:”
“Don’t Settle For Me” – https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NxaZ7HThc00 [Heather’s response to Greg’s rebound]
“After Everything You Made Me Do (That You Didn’t Ask For)” – https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YWFfrQtHag0
The next clip isn’t funny. It’s loaded.
“Rebecca asks Dr Akopian for a new diagnosis” – https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_J9zFyYm-Yg [At this point, CEG took a pretty serious turn. This clip isn’t funny.]
Dr. Akopian is probably the best TV shrink since Jane Lynch on “Two and A Half Men.” This clip is loaded, too.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OBUJX8fahTg&list=PLxnreUhJ_YwNifa805w2KrM67Eq8rFFwn&index=9
And, maybe, one of the best clips ever:
” Rebecca almost has a breakthrough”
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wgY9g5iwUm4
I love Dr. Akopian!
I think this one could be fiction but maybe not. Whether it’s true or not, you can still learn something from it.
A few weeks ago, the lead story was about the #2 person in an Alabama jail having a “jailhouse romance” and helping the guy escape. When the authorities caught up with them, he surrendered and she put a gun to her head. That one wasn’t fiction.
Moral of the story: People do questionable things all the time. We all make our choices.
From the “Washington Post:” https://www.washingtonpost.com/nation/2022/05/12/vicky-white-alabama-corrections-casey/
Hi Limerent Emeritus, I’d love to interview you for a story I’m writing on limerence for an international publication. Would you be willing to speak with me?
@Dr L – Thanks again for another insightful post. I think you mentioned at some point that you and your wife had mutual limerence. Even in that case, were there elements that were still only in your head, things you imagined that weren’t true?
I am following this extraordinary blog since exactly end of January, the first time I found out about the concept of limmerence after I searched in google for love sick and the saint google search spit out livingwithlimmerence in the results.
The reason for my search was at that time an increasing restlessness leading to sleep and hunger deprivation and even physical pain, a sort of despair I seldom felt before. The trigger of this strong emotions is what now I can refer to as my LO, whom at that time I could only name as „the nice looking guy working in the coffee shop across my street“.
I am a sort of digital nomad, and I have been working from home with my laptop and my mobile phone for 18 years. I discovered the pleasures of going to cafes to work from after I become mother for the second time. I assume going out of home to work was a sort of escaping my motherhood ties and feel like a businesswoman again. After the coffeshop I regularly went into closed down I spent some time changing trying different cafés, this until a new venue opened just in the building across mine. This was summer 2016 or 2017 (I do not remember).
The first time I saw him he was arranging the tables in the terrace. It was near the cafés closing time. I happened to pass by with my kids in the hand. We were heading to a nearby playground. That afternoon I had not gone into the café at all and despite I went there regularly after the opening I had never seen him before. Had he not greeted my with a warm „hi“ I probably had not noticed him. But he did (despite that afternoon I was not a customer), and he would keep greeting me anytime he saw me passing by, no matter what. So, I guess it was this hi together with his obvious good looks that I felt attracted to at first. It was not long after that he started flirting with me, which was a thing i assumed he would do with any woman.
Things went like this for years. My liking for him was stable, I even joked with my older growing daughter, my female friends and my husband about how good this guy looked. None took me seriously, and I did not take seriously myself at all. Most times I would simply avoid him, crossing over to my side of the street before passing by across the café, so I did not have to see him. But even if I liked him a good deal, I was not limerent. The thoughts of him rarely lasted, and it was a matter of few minutes until I had forgotten entirely about him.
Then corona arrived and for almost two years I barely entered the cafe but for a few times. But last year two things happened that led to a dramatic change and ultimately to the situation I am now in.
First: In August 2022 my husband and I decided that we would leave this city we are living for good. It was not a new idea. I had personally playing with the idea (and also rooting for it) for as long as I can remember. I had wished to return to my home country for a long time and wanted to do so before our elder daughter changed into high school.
Second: In September 2021 we took a weekend trip with the family to the Baltic Sea. Nothing dramatic happened, let’s say that during this weekend I become fully conscious of how much my relationship with my husband had changed over the years. We are together since 98 and this is a lot of time. He is my first kiss and my first love and almost for the first whole half of our years together he pampered me a lot and showered me with tons of love and adoration. I was the queen in his life. Then things changed with the arrival of the kids. I cannot say that he neglected me or that he neglects me now, but it is certain that all of a sudden, I ceased to be his queen. With his daughter, he had won his princess, a new object to shower love and adoration upon. I accepted the displacement without an argument, but inside it was hard for me to accept that my husband had stopped loving me as unconditionally he did before. I know that I am 100% responsible for that change too. During our first lets say 11 years together the certainly took advantage of the position he put me into -to win over all the fights, to force decisions on things he did not really want it (I can be an unbearable pushy person). The reason of my acceptance of the new status quo was the awareness of all things I had done him wrong. So I kid of took his sudden anger as a way of punishment, which I deserved.
It is not that he is angry to me the whole time. Sometimes he can be very sweet and dear too. And he still does plenty for me, which is his way to show me that he cares. Sometimes, however, he is like a storm, angry and full of rage. Maybe i am still the catalyst of his mood changes. Maybe I still take advantage of him (or I try to) when he is in a good mood. So, I manage between his changing moods the best I can. If I feel his anger towards me is deserved I ask a lot for forgiveness for being so much inconsiderate, I cook him nice meals and I am tender and kind and look for physical closeness. Sometimes, though, I cannot handle it, it is too much, then thoughts of divorce and of an independent life apart from him cross my mind. I know for a fact that these thoughts cross his mind too. But then I seek for refuge in my imaginary world (I write novels, I watch a lot of hindi films) and i feel good with myself. I am a very positive person.
With the years, my husband has grown to be a bit of a bitter person. He used to be very innocent and kind. Now he sometimes thinks the world and me has abused him. He has withdrawn of many social contacts. The kids are his life. He is a great father. But again, this is only during his mood phases. When he is feeling better with himself he is still a fabulous person, funny, caring, just, righteous and extremely lovable. And we two can have a lot of fun together. Then his old self shines again, and I feel that he is the best husband of the world.
During this particular outing in September, it happened that his mood was not the best. I felt very much unloved. So I ended up thinking: is this was I am going to expect from my married life the rest of my life? Angry looks? Bad words? Bitterness? Resentment? It was like an eye-opener to me. Suddenly, it struck me how badly things had turned in the reality. I felt no desire to search for refuge in my imaginary world full of romantic films anymore. I realized that I coped with years of feeling unloved only by retreating into the pink world of imagination. That weekend I did cry a lot, for the couple that we were and that we lost, for the love that we had and that we lost (I know I am responsible for destroying his love for me too.)
Some time later in October, I met this guy working in the café across the street one evening on the way back home. As always, he smiled and greeted me. And that same night I dreamt of him.
From this day on, I have developed a strong LE with him. I think my desire of feeling loved again plus the knowledge that I am going from here for good (and thus I will never see him again) is responsible for that change. So from January onwards, I started taking steps to bring him closer to me. I found out him name, the short greetings have developed into longer conversations.
It is as if my subconscious cannot be satisfied with seeking refuge into the filmy love stories of the movies or the stories I write anymore. I want that feeling, that story happens to me. Again.
He has a witty, flirty personality. As me, he is married and has one child. The thought of him having feelings for me and me not knowing drives me crazy. The thought of myself behaving so ridiculously, jeopardizing my relationship, the guilt of thinking of another man while my husband is lying beside me in the bed, drives me crazy too.
So, my brains battle with my heart and my desire. I know that all is in my head but I still cannot avoid thinking „what it“. What if he liked me too and I do not know? What if he offered me the tenderness that I lack? What if I am missing something great, and I will repent?
When I am like this I go into the café and seek for him, chat with him flirt with him and, above all, try to look for signals that confirm to be that he reciprocates (I have not made my mind about that, he certainly shows interest but not an overly exposed interest; and so far, I have not caught him wandering around my house!)
Then after the high, depression unavoidably strikes. And I feel miserable and stupid. Ashamed. And terribly guilty for behaving in such a disloyal manner towards my husband. And I promise myself that I will not go back to see him. But of course, I know that I will fail. Because I do want to see him.
Maybe he just gives me the “you are special” feeling that I do not get from my husband. But what the heck? After 24 years of relationship, I certainly do not give my husband the „you are special“ feeling either.
Maybe I have not matured enough (in the mental way of speaking). Maybe inside me there is still this child deprived of love by her father in her childhood, craving to be pampered. Maybe I just want my relationship to be back to what it was again. I want to regain the queen place and feel adored and not resented upon the whole time.
What, I feel, is that I am walking on a cable above a cliff. Some part of me would like to set loose and fall free. And the other is panicking about it.
I thank you all for reading. Reading your stories help the cerebral side of me to hold me. Now it is a matter of only two months since I go from here forever. I hope the long NC will cut the ties with this invented story that I made up myself forever.
Please excuse my poor English, I am not a native speaker 😉
Hi Cristina, and welcome to LwL!
I really feel for you! Long term relationships can be really hard at times. They have their lovely up phases and then sometimes those awful down phases. I relate to the lost adoration, the loss of intensity and the simmering resentments. But relationships can come back up again, never the same as those early years of course, but maybe with a new deeper appreciation of each other. Is couples therapy an option for you? I really get a sense from your story that you would both really benefit from that.
Wishing you well.
Thanks Ally.
Unfortunately, couples therapy is a no-go for my husband, I had already suggested this to him! But maybe he will be more open towards it at some point. Who knows! Thanks for your empathy!!!
This post particularly resonated with me because it’s so easy to read someone else’s story and recognize that much of the other person’s experience is all happening in their head, but when it’s your own experience it’s hard to admit that it’s all (or mostly) in your head. You want some validation that at least some of these feelings were “real,” that not everything was in your head, that you weren’t completely crazy, and maybe that’s why people hang on to an LE for longer than necessary, not because they actually seek a new relationship with LO, but because it’s so hard to admit that we (and our feelings, thoughts) were so wrong.
I submit Candace “Candy” Montgomery and Allan Gore.
https://www.chumplady.com/2022/05/hulus-candy-twu-wuv-and-axe-murder/
Of course the “frumpy”, frazzled, abused, depressed mother of two (worried that she may be pregnant with #3) is the villain. Not the person who cheated or the woman who murdered his wife.
I read the very long, two-part Texas Monthly article on this case. They weren’t limerent. She was bored and wanted “fireworks” sex … and he was, well, there. They got to be friends and would sometimes forgo the sex when they met up just to talk. It wasn’t some big, sexy affair.
I’ve just found out about limerence and feeling very validated. If someone has experienced limerence with one partner (and actually cut off all communication, it was mutual as feelings were on both sides, with the uncertainty being he had a girlfriend at the time) is there a strong likelihood limerence will strike again in other relationships? If this is a neurological thing, just curious about recurrence. Now that I understand it and know what to look for I can be more aware of it, but am a little nervous about dating if this limerence is likely to repeat itself. I worry the distinction between a potentially healthy love in its honeymoon period and limerence is hard to figure out for a person who has been a limerent before. In this example you shared, I’m curious if she was limerent with her husband when they were first courting.
“the distinction between a potentially healthy love in its honeymoon period and limerence”
If you are in the honeymoon period of a healthy relationship and are limerent for your partner then YIPPEE enjoy it while it lasts! I have experienced a varying degree of limerent feelings early in most relationships… for me, this is what falling in love feels like and it is the best feeling ever.
Are you worried that those feelings might override your sensibilities such that you ignore any relationship red flags? I think there is a blog post about that.
“Drifting through an unthinking life is one of the surest ways of making yourself vulnerable to limerence. Someone else’s lesson can wake you up to that if you pay attention.”
I will keep these words in heart BECAUSE I specifically prided my “no routine life” it was an excuse to be lazy. I remember the rationalizations before the faintest glimmer, “I’m going to live a lax life, everyday will be a surprisrise, who wants to live a planned life anyway?” An idle mind truly is the devil’s workshop. The problem with this grand master plan is that by highschool already feelings of dread of the future arose, then I met her. My savior, the angel from above. But at the very least, I thank my biblical upbringing in realizing something, I didn’t know what, something was off. We weren’t compatible in the slightest. Which made every year post LE dreadful on the basis she may get married. Especially back then, limerance, was an ever obscure concept to run into, even when you delibritely search for it. So you can imagine a lucky encounter nigh impossible for the unfortunate naive. In-fact, I’ll go ahead and attribute to the fact my interest in theology and psychology to be the top contributing factors that helped filter its obscurity. So it wasn’t all by chance. I thank my father everyday that he encouraged me to read the bible if nothing else. If not obey a single instruction, than simply just that. It’s verses on the “passions” is instrumental in confronting this. The modern man has completely devorced the mysteries that surround himself and the mysteries that are within himself. How could he possibly have any hope of combatting this, how many people’s life have to concretely show the devastation of the abstract process? This stuff is real folks. Atleast it certainly, soon will manifest into reality in the form of: broken homes, divorces, etc. I have no inclination to mock this woman bc let me tell you. I loved my father to death, yet when he passed I still felt not being with this LO to be occupying my mind in competition with the grief I had for my father. Imagine folks. Sincerely, God bless you.
King Solomon said it best: “Above all else, guard your heart, for it is the wellspring of life” (Proverbs 4:23).
A man devoured by limerance, spawned from a line of family that lost everything because of one fickle fleeting passion. His father, a good man, plotted the death of his loyal subject Uria by conveniently placing him in the front lines of battle, just to bed his wife he fell for at a glance. Glimmery isn’t it?