I started writing Living with Limerence on Valentine’s day 2017. At the time, I had no plan.
I was coming out of an unwanted limerence experience, and filled with a dammed-up reservoir of emotions that needed to be released. I hoped that organising my thoughts on the page would help me make sense of what had happened to me, and also be useful to anyone else out on the interwebs who was going through the same thing. It was a purge of sorts. An exorcism.
A lot changes in five years, though. I’ve got to the stage where I can’t altogether remember how doolally I was about my LO. More accurately, I no longer feel the deep, embodied craving when I think of her. I can dredge the feelings up if I want to, but it’s like I’ve wound back the clock to the point where all I feel now is the glimmer.
The other thing that has changed, is that the site has grown beyond all my expectations, and is now an altogether larger enterprise than a simple personal blog. About a thousand people visit every day, and I can tell from the pages they visit that most of them are seeking information about what limerence is, and advice on how to beat it.
Hundreds of people visit the private forum to seek personal support and community spirit – along with a healthy dose of social accountability. That’s great to see.
But, the thread running through the fabric of the site is that origin story of a personal blog, and the many commenters who found the site and stuck with it through the years, sharing their pain and banter and wisdom and growth.
It has now come to the point, though, that I have to accept that these goals sometimes run at cross purposes. In-jokes are great for the initiated, but confusing (or off-putting) for new arrivals. Similarly, for those checking in for a weekly update, the articles on the basics of limerence are old hat, and comment threads can get derailed.
I’ve known this for a while, but it’s easy to just coast, enjoying a good thing and not being decisive enough to make a change. Given my insistence on the life-transforming power of being purposeful, however, it feels more than a little embarrassing to not take action!
So, at the five year mark, it’s time for a few changes.
Articles
First up, I am going to restructure the site to highlight the key articles that provide the best information about limerence. These will be polished to a shine and presented prominently in a search-engine friendly format. I’ll add more, and expand the old ones. These are the gateway articles for newcomers. Comments will be turned off.
Community
The forum is great, but it’s also a lot of work as I have to solve all the issues myself and I am not a pro at software or moderation. I’d also intended to expand the community pages to include the free guides and cheat-sheets that can be downloaded via the forms, and contribute more threads to the forum myself. But, bluntly, I haven’t had time.
For now, the forum will stay as it is, but it does lead to the next point…
Ads
I’m spread too thin. My day job is demanding, and I don’t want LwL to ever feel like a second job. So, I’m going to trial adding ads to the site, and see if it raises enough revenue to fund a part-time virtual assistant to help me with behind the scenes stuff that I sometimes neglect. The emergency deprogramming course is my premium material, but understandably many visitors only want to lurk and learn, and ads is a way that they can continue to benefit for free, while we can continue to grow.
Personal blog
This is the part I haven’t worked out yet. I want to keep writing for fun, and I want to keep writing about purposeful living and some of the more esoteric stuff about limerence (like joking about nightmare LOs). I also want to keep the community vibe going, and talk about random stuff with witty people. There are a few options.
First, I could move the personal stuff to the community pages, so it’s clearly separate from the more formal articles (kind of a shopfront/backroom set up). Second, I could start a purposeful living Substack or email newsletter (like what professional writers do). Third, I can just keep going as I am, but start an “endless thread” style post for people to comment about whatever they fancy. Fourth, adopt some other model that I haven’t thought of yet.
This is the bit I’m stuck on, and why I’ve been delaying the decision. So, I’ll end with an open call to those who value the comments section most. Which model would you prefer? What would keep things fun for you?
Highlighting the informational articles could be REALLY useful for folks looking for information!
If the comments are an issue, I like the third idea, keeping things as they are but having one part where people can just comment about whatever they want.
Admittedly, even though I also use the forum I really like the layout as it is and it would be a shame to remove the more personal-style articles from the main website. I really like having them all here and being able to access them and reread them in one place.
This is tricky. I like it as it is in many ways as each specific blog naturally triggers useful, relevant and interesting commentary. But then sometimes that relevant commentary evolves into less relevant chit chat which drowns out the relevant stuff. So I would prefer the chit-chat, which is important to those involved in it, to be allowed to happen naturally but separated off somehow… it almost needs to be actively hived off afterwards? Not sure how realistic this is effort-wise and a tough judgement call to make as to what to hive off and what to leave.
I would not want to lose the blog specific commenting.
Allie,
“So I would prefer the chit-chat, which is important to those involved in it, to be allowed to happen naturally but separated off somehow… it almost needs to be actively hived off afterwards? Not sure how realistic this is effort-wise and a tough judgement call to make as to what to hive off and what to leave.”
I agree with you, and I’m not really sure how to separate the chit chat as I am not all the tech savvy. Maybe it’s just too cumbersome a task.
My other suggestion, Dr. L, is to go completely ad-crazy and nix the idea of the assistant. Your earn enough from ads to work full-time on this site. Because I’m sure this is much more fun than any day job could ever be. The words “day and “job” say it all. You could expand the courses, have a pay wall for certain parts of the blog, etc. Seriously. 🙂
That would be the dream, Marcia. I have a couple of ideas bubbling in the background that might make it more achievable (ad revenue alone isn’t going to get there).
It would involve telling everyone who I really am, though. Which is a big step 🙂
I support this idea, for the (very selfish) reason that this blog has been life changing for me due largely to the discussions on purposeful living. Discovering LwL is the major silver lining of an otherwise horrible limerence experience. I feel like it can help change so many lives if it becomes a full time gig …… especially if for example the appeal widens by also writing about (and giving courses on?) purposeful living unrelated to limerence.
Maybe there’s a way to do so while keeping your anonymity and the intrigue 🙂
Dr.L,
“It would involve telling everyone who I really am, though. Which is a big step 🙂”
I understand. I was trying to think of ways to offer more services that would generate income where you could still remain anonymous.
In the beginning, when you go full-time, it may be touch-and-go in terms of income. So Mrs. L may have to get a second job. 🙂
Thanks all!
There are a couple of problems with curating comments. First, I’d need a plugin that allows the movement of comments between posts (not built into WordPress), and second, I’d need to mod the comments very attentively. Neither are ideal.
Maybe a “freestyle” post every month or so with a laissez-faire comment thread, and then get a bit delete-y with the off topic comments on ordinary posts…
I wasn’t the first poster on LwL. I was like the 5th or 6th. I guess that makes me the longest active poster. [I’m not sure what that says about me] I’ve seen LwL evolve and mature over time. I’ve seen a lot of people come and go. I’ve seen people who I have no doubt would transcend Limerence and I’ve seen a few who I don’t think ever will. I’m also the worst OT offender.
Limerents operate on sort of a triage system. Some limerents will thrive no matter what you do to them. Some limerents will fail [by whatever definition] no matter what you for them. Then, there’s that majority in between that their outcomes depend on the help they get. And, LwL has provided a lot of help in those 5 years.
I guess the question is DrL’s vision for LwL. Will it remain a “Labor of Love” or will it become a more commercial venture? I don’t know if there’s a happy medium. There’s a great book, “The Peter Prescription: How to Make Things Go Right Paperback” that has a parable about pitfalls about growth and expansion. I want to see DrL make something off his effort but I like the Labor of Love vibe.
As for generating SOME revenue, I suggest a donation button to a PayPal account. As I remember, LwL had one at one time. It might provide some seed money to allow him to devote more time to adapting LwL to reflect what it’s become and what he wants it to be. If nothing else, this place could easily cover a few pints/week.
I’d kick some money his way. As a community, it’s the least we could do.
“I want to see DrL make something off his effort but I like the Labor of Love vibe.”
We’re trying to get him out of his soul-crushing day job. (I don’t know if it’s soul-crushing, but probably not soul-expanding. What day job is?) The Beatles managed to be both artistic and commercial. It is possible.
Have you looked at Patreon Dr L? You can have certain amounts of content behind a paywall and keep other bits free. It then links to Discord which is a forum style app that subscribes get access to. That set-up tends to be a better revenue generator than ads, and I’m sure you’ll find a fair few of those 1000+ daily visitors would be happy to pay £5-10 per month to get your juicer stuff.
Patreon is a good idea.
Another idea is a one-time pay wall to access the bulk of LwL blogs. Shari Schreiber did that on her site. Her articles were formerly free. She charged $10. I paid it. I don’t think I’d subscribe to LwL but I’d pay the one-time fee.
There’s a blog on the lighter side of limerence. DrL closed the comments because of trolls. Maybe he could reopen that for our OT forays.
LE you wouldn’t subscribe? I feel like in time you would come around…..
Maybe…
I’ve been here a lot longer than I was expecting. I’m past the point of diminishing returns. I don’t have any more questions. I’ve told my story ad nauseam.
And, honestly, my wife isn’t supportive of my being here. I don’t want explain the bank charge to her. I can see her reading the bank statement…
“What?! I thought you were past all this. Now, I find out you’re actually paying to be there. What’s going on?”
I could slide a one-time payment, especially via PayPal or Patreon past her but monthly, nope.
That’s a conversation I prefer to avoid.
LO #4 set up a dummy company so her clients wouldn’t tip off suspicious SOs. She’s very popular in some circles and not so popular in others.
Dr. L, your half decade of blogging has provided life changing intel for scores of limerents…allowing them to muster up the strength to break the addiction, soothe the wounds that ran so deep, and then, incredibly, begin to heal and embrace an honest life once again.
I will always be grateful to this site, and will always find limerence fascinating.
So, like Vincent says, I will subscribe to your Patreon.
And you can maintain your mysterious Wizard of Oz-like anonymity. 🙂
Thanks, Jaideaux!
I do sometimes feel like I’m frantically turning wheels and pressing switches in the background, trying to conjure up something magical 😉
Pay no attention to the man behind the curtain….
I’d happily pay a one -off sneaked through Paypal or some anonymous method. Discretion is crucial for me, you need a cash in brown envelope drop off point!
Thanks, Paul. Your and LE’s comments are confirming what I suspected about a Patreon model. Many of the people who urgently need help want to keep their situation private, and don’t want to have to explain a recurring payment. There is an embarrassment factor.
That said, I can see the Patreon (or Substack) model working for those in the “purposeful living” phase of limerence recovery – where the goal is to cement in the gains and transform life.
Ads seems like a good option to try – all the content stays free to access for everyone. There’s just the cost of distraction…
This blog and community have been incredibly valuable to me, and I recognize how valuable content takes time, effort and skill to create. I have not donated yet, but I have been meaning to for quite some time. My biggest worry is if my wife finds out (which she might if I made an online donation, although she doesn’t have access to one of my credit cards, so I could use that one). She knows I am on some online forum (or at least I did tell her at one point), but she knows no details. I never access this site in full view of her. I really don’t want her stumbling across some of my comments (which is why I shifted most of my comments to the private forum). Anonymity is going to be very important for a lot of people on here.
I occasionally comment on the public blog for the sake of nostalgia and when I see a particularly interesting post, but another reason why I favour the private discussion forum is because there are fewer trolls on there. Obviously I’m not referring to the regular commenters on here as “trolls” but I have had to deal with some particularly nasty comments on the public blog (usually from self-righteous so-called “chumps” who see every limerent as a cheater). I personally see nothing wrong with ads. I would also support moving most of the discussions to the private forum where maybe Dr. L starts off a thread discussing each week’s blog post. I think slightly more prescriptive guidelines on off-topic discussions might be helpful as a community. There is also a place to discuss off-topic issues on the private forum, and I think that can be a great way to discuss issues that may only be tangentially related to limerence (if at all).
First up, I would like to say thank you, DR.L, for the five years you’ve spent blogging on the subject of limerence. So far, you’ve given people amazing content free of charge. Your articles are always readable, always beautifully written. I also feel you bring great sensitivity to your work, a degree of tact and decorum that’s perhaps not always appreciated and would certainly be hard for other authors to emulate.
I feel that it’s a shame you’re not getting paid for your writing/sensibility alone…
I agree there are organisational issues with the blog, however, mostly related to relevancy concerns and privacy concerns. In its current state, the blog seems to me to be half-blog and half-social media page, because the community element is so strong thanks to the comments section. However, the contributions of the commentariat are at least part of what gives the blog its vitality.
I understand people might be attracted to the blog for different reasons. Some people might visit out of intellectual curiosity, and only want to read comments strictly related to the articles. They want top-notch content and only top-notch content. Some people might be in a state of considerable personal distress, and be indiscreet about what they say, oversharing personal information. Some people, mainly long-term readers, might be coming back for the sense of community, and frequently go off-topic as a result, without any malign intent.
So its seems to me that the blog has three main functions which aren’t always well-aligned: (1) providing information of a high quality (2) helping people in immediate distress, and (3) creating a space for like-minded folk to congregate.
I don’t know anything about blogging or revenue-raising specifically. However, I think the idea of selecting a body of “foundational articles” and turning off the comments section on these specific articles is an excellent one. I absolutely see the merit in this proposal. The blog needs a shopfront precisely because it attracts so much traffic. And shopfronts should have an aura of professionalism about them. The shopfront should also be something one can show off to representatives of the media comfortably, without feeling like one is betraying anyone’s secrets.
I am not personally bothered by off-topic comments, although I see how they must be irksome to new readers, and metaphorically “clog the drains” of communication. I think people rashly blurting out personal stuff in a public space might be a bigger worry overall. I think any revamp of the blog might need a clearer distinction between “public space” and “private space” so that vulnerable/angry/upset people are not posting stuff they may later regret. Also, as VL notes, posting personal stuff in a public space does leave one open to trolling. I’m thick-skinned myself by nature. What other people say about me doesn’t bother me. But I think most other souls are a little more sensitive.
Here’s a thought, DR.L. Maybe you can make some of your articles free and comment-free i.e. the foundational ones. And maybe people can subscribe or make a contribution to access other articles in your body of work, which are not foundational but still of interest? Kind of how some online newspapers say “sign up/become a member if you want to keep reading”. Maybe there can be a free section and a subscribers-only section? Or a beginner (free) section and an advanced (paid) section? Or maybe you can organise your articles thematically, so people can zero in on topics that interest them e.g. jealousy, monogamy, etc?
I can’t see anything wrong with charging people to read articles written on more offbeat or specialist subjects if you’re providing basic information free of charge and for the public good i.e. the genuine altruism for which INFJs are justly famous. Ads are an interesting idea. But they will certainly change the aesthetics of the blog.
In sum, I’d like to thank you, DR.L, once again for your beautiful writing and for thus far making your insights available free of charge. I feel you have performed an invaluable public service. LwL really is one of the best resources on limerence currently available on the Internet. I have benefited hugely from the site, and found the discussion mostly enjoyable. If nothing else, it’s nice to see that Dorothy Tennov’s legacy is being kept alive. I was saddened to read recently that she’s largely forgotten/neglected nowadays even in her own field (Psychology).
DR.L, here’s another idea for you that’s super-simple and efficient and diplomatic. A huge number of forums and websites actually turn off comments on threads after a certain period of time has elapsed or a certain number of responses have been made. Readers are simply informed: “Comments for this section are now closed”. Readers can still read the old articles and the old comments, but they can’t post new comments.
If you put restrictions on comments that are based on time i.e. not permitting new comments on old articles, then you could minimize the amount of moderation you feel you have to do i.e. making sure people aren’t posting anything inappropriate. It could also keep the focus on your most recent material. 😉
Sammy,
There’s a blog https://livingwithlimerence.com/update-and-a-little-light-relief/ where we there was no real subject and as long as we stayed in the ballpark/cricket field (?) we were ok. Unfortunately, that one got the attention of a troll and DrL closed it. It was too bad since that’s were we posted the funnier side of limerence.
Maybe he could re-open the comments on that blog.
Not a sausage, sorry. My brain is fried. But I will happily donate from time to time because the site has been just so helpful to me, personally.
Do what you gotta do, Dr L. I’ll still come hang out from time to time and see what’s up! And if there’s some way I can help, I’d be glad to.