Limerence has different effects on you at different points in your life. It’s one thing for a young adult experiencing the mania for the first time and free to immerse themselves in romantic adventure, but it’s an altogether different experience in your thirties, forties and later.
My wife reminded me recently about a film series that we have followed through our adult lives, with the characters’ journey mirroring our own timeline – at least in age if not in choices. It’s a trilogy of films: Before Sunrise, Before Sunset and Before Midnight.
For those who haven’t seen them, the premise of the films is quite simple and bold. Two people walk through beautiful locations while talking. They reflect on life and love, dissect each others opinions, banter and bicker. There are no explosions or car chases. It really is a tightly focused, three-part mediation on love.
Before Sunrise
Two strangers, Celine and Jesse meet on a train and decide on impulse to spend the day together in Vienna. What follows is the slow, hesitant getting-to-know-each-other of a spontaneous connection, set against the backdrop of a beautiful, romantic city, but with the knowledge that they will probably never meet again after that day (Jesse will return to America, Celine to Paris). Adding to the romance is that the characters are played by Ethan Hawke and Julie Delpy.
The film is basically dialogue. They wander the cobbled streets and talk, they take the ferris wheel and kiss, they may or may not make love before sunrise – it’s purposefully ambiguous – and it has many elements that young limerents would recognise:
- The first impulsive decision to stay together when they feel a “glimmer” of connection
- The initially awkward conversation as they try to impress one another
- The relaxation into trust and emotional connection
- The atmosphere of romance that permeates everything
- Obvious reciprocation, but also uncertainty and barriers
- The sense of an extraordinary connection that feels like fate
Many hate the film, but I still love it. It captures the innocence of youthful infatuation, and while it’s a bit pretentious and smug in places – well, I was a bit like that at the time too.
It ends with them separating, promising that they will reunite in six months at the train station in Vienna.
Before Sunset
Nine years later, Jesse is in Paris at a bookshop, giving a reading and signing of his recent book about two strangers who meet in Vienna and have a one-day love affair. The book ends without revealing whether the characters met again as planned, but it is fairly obvious from Jesse’s evasiveness that they did not. It is the end of a long tour and he is due to fly home to his wife and son in America that evening. Celine is in the crowd.
Jesse is under pressure for time, but they get coffee, then wander the streets of Paris, talking. Celine has obviously haunted Jesse’s life, and he confesses that he wrote the book in the hope he could find her again – she said that reading it was painful and it becomes clear that their recollections of that day and night in Vienna are different, and also that neither of them are really being honest (with themselves or each other). They are both unhappy in their relationships. Eventually, they walk back to Celine’s flat, their emotional connection deepening all the while. Jesse decides to miss his plane.
This time, the influence of limerence is different:
- An LO you just can’t forget who overshadows your romantic life
- Unhappy relationships can make you pine for romantic rescue, rather than deal with your problems more maturely
- The hope that a deep connection can be rekindled easily
- The impulsive drive to prioritise romantic euphoria over personal responsibility
- The ever-present temptation of infidelity when with an LO
I liked this film too. Not as much, because it culminates in infidelity, but it still felt honest and relatable, and had the pathos that their lives had gone wrong in part because they had let misfortune and naive romanticism ruin their planned reunion. It’s a meditation about why adult love doesn’t live up to the idealism of adolescent romance, and whether that idealism can ever be recovered.
Before Midnight
Nine years later again, and Jesse and Celine are staying on a Greek island with their children – they now have twin girls. They drop off Jesse’s teenage son from his first marriage at the airport, and it becomes clear that Jesse has been a poor father to him and is burdened with guilt. They return to a friend’s villa, and learn that their friends have booked a hotel room for Jesse and Celine so they can have some time together away from the twins. They walk from the friend’s house to the hotel. Along the way, they reminisce about their lives, but their resentments are also bubbling under the surface.
At the hotel, they intend to make love, but instead have a furious row. All their bitterness comes out – Jesse confesses to a casual affair with an assistant on a book tour, Celine confesses that she no longer loves Jesse. It’s a raw and shocking change of pace from the walking-and-philosophising routine that powered the first two films. It ends with an ambiguous reconciliation.
The limerence lessons for the forty-something, unhappily married Celine and Jesse:
- Limerence is not relationship magic – you still have all your same issues once it wears off
- If someone is unfaithful to their first wife, they will probably be unfaithful to their second wife, even if she was a LO
- Infidelity causes lasting harm to families
- Limerence does not protect against the romance-testing realities of adult life
- You can resent someone even more if you thought they would make you happy just by being them, but you are still unhappy
I did not like this film. I admired it – it was as honest, well-acted and insightful as the other two – but it was like a cold shower of pessimism. By the end of it, I no longer liked the characters. They seemed to have let their pretensions and vanity overtake them, rather than being able to laugh at themselves and, well, care for each other.
It made a solid profit, though, and the critics loved it, so I do wonder if we’ll catch up with Jesse and Celine again in 2022. What will they have learned by their fifties?
As a trilogy, I think the films offer an authentic portrayal of romance as experienced by limerents. They are brief windows that show how the different stages of life determine the impact that limerence has on ordinary people. It’s been enlightening to live alongside the characters in real time, going through some of the same experiences, but also making significantly different decisions.
Then again, if it were me, I’d have given Celine my phone number at the end of our night in Vienna…
Thanks a lot Doc, great article, as usual, which helps putting ideas back in place. I am gonna watch those films, thanks to your insight!
You’re welcome, Johnny. They are definitely worth a watch.
I have started watching the first one (even though I am usually not a massive fan of Julie Delpy 🙂 ) Definitely worth a watch, indeed!
Now if only they had a sequel, when Jesse and Celine are in the late 70’s/early 80’s……….at which time Celine has her very first experience of Limerence……after all these life phases are seen only in the rear view mirror……this age group isn’t often mentioned, but I’m living proof that it happens, even at this age……….
This was a timely post for me to read in my current journey. In particular reading your conclusions from the third movie, as the limerence/glimmer/neurotransmitters have worn off… and its two people left looking at each other without the magical cloak of attraction. We tend to view our LO’s as panaceas to our problems but they really aren’t; they are just people too, complete with their own set of problems. Actually some of them bring on a whole host of problems as more and more I subscribe to the belief that LO’s know what effect they give off, yet do it anyways.
I’ve always felt attraction is not always a fixed duration. In other words you can meet people you are attracted to.. but some of those are short duration attractions, some medium term, and some long term. Obviously in our modern society everyone is shooting for the long term attraction but this is akin to hitting a lottery in my opinion. Its rare.
Some are short term, maybe a few years then you get sick of them. Most “long term relationships” in my opinion are medium duration attractions but to make them last long term both sides have to put the work in to keep the relationship going.
I’ll end this post by mentioning that studies have shown marriages built on leaving a significant other for someone else tend to have dismally low success rates long term themselves. Like single digit success rates after I think 5-7 years.
Yeah, I think long-term relationships inevitably have to go through a transition, where the romantic haze clears and then you do have to work to keep things going. But, I also think there is a second transition where you’ve bonded so deeply that the connection becomes a different form of love – romance is an element, but not as important as the shared life.
I suspect that second transition is harder if the romance started in deceit.
Second transition is hard for many people including myself . Especially as for people like me who like many aspects of first stage.
I know other posts have detailed how little official research has been done on limerence, but that the estimated percentage of people who are limerents is low. And from what I’ve seen of the world, I think that’s true. I, of course, can’t get into other peoples’ heads and know their inner lives, but I don’t think most people struggle with intense infatuations. I think most people get a job and a spouse and a house and some kids, and they like the safety and the security in that. They would never think of blowing up their lives for someone else. If there is a infidelity, it’s out of a need for validation or curiosity but not out of limerence. I think limerence taps into a certain inner restlessness and a searching for something. I think most people are at least fairly content with what they have.
@Marcia. Whenever I read accounts of, say, famous writers, who “never married” and “lived apparently uneventful lives”, but left us some good literature, I always think those people were probably undiagnosed limerents.
Limerence probably made them too fussy to get married, or maybe their LOs didn’t want them, and rumination/obsession probably fuelled their creativity and took up a lot of their free time. Thoughts?
“I suspect that second transition is harder if the romance started in deceit.”
Absolutely.
“It made a solid profit, though, and the critics loved it, so I do wonder if we’ll catch up with Jesse and Celine again in 2022. What will they have learned by their fifties?”
If they ever do make that move, I have $5 that this is the song they play at the end.
Song of the Day: “Same Auld Lang Syne” – Dan Fogelberg (1980)
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jwtkZ7oTv1o
I enjoyed this article as I have all of the others on the blog.
I can’t tell you how much I appreciate this site. It has clarified so much for me. I definitely feel as if a heavy burden has been lifted from my shoulders. My outlook is much more positive.
Thank you so much.
I love, love, love these movies!
The third is the only one I watched just once, so maybe I misremember it. I really liked it bc my interpretation of that finale was “this is what long-term love is all about: not easy, maybe smth different, but it’s worthwhile when you know what to expect”. I once saw a psychotherapist saying that you don’t have a 30-year-marriage, you have different marriages with the same person along 30 years. This is what I get from this last one.
Ooo…I really must watch these! It is great to see a romantic movie based more on reality in not having the usual assumed “happily ever after” finale. Shame they are not free on Sky or Netflix currently, so have just ordered on Amazon.
Here’s a link to an overview of the trilogy:
https://youtu.be/QV1tiEDvkkw
PSA!
DrL has added links to the complete archives. There are links under Blog at the top and a link at the bottom of each page!
But, if you can’t wait, https://livingwithlimerence.com/blog-archive/
LwL at your fingertips!
Woot!
Thanks for the heads up! Combing through it right now to see if there’s something that I missed.
Thanks Scharnhorst – yes, new archive page added at last. I never expected it to be so difficult to implement! Finally found a plugin that played nicely.
Next post/previous post also a good idea, Allie, but I fear that may need tinkering with the theme…
I think people will love this.
The original version of LwL had the Previous/Next feature on each blog. I was surprised that it had disappeared in the upgrade.
Is there a toggle for it or is it a major pain to implement?
I can’t find a simple toggle, sadly. I suspect the feature would need to be built into the theme, and so I would have to add code to implement it.
I’ll keep investigating, as I agree it would add value.
Ditto… very useful, thank you!
Now my next ask is to add a way of linking from one blog post to the subsequent or previous one directly.
I’m not sure if this has been discussed previously, but does limerence run in families? My grandmother always had a strange obsession with a younger man and after my grandfather’s death, she wrote about it in a very long “manuscript”interpreting details of his life, and questioning whether he may have been descended from royalty (he was not). Looking at it now, limerence makes perfect sense.
I wonder the same. At age 92, my grandmother fell into a LE with a neighboring gentleman in her residence. That was after more than 30 years of showing no interest in romantic companionship throughout her widowhood. It persisted until she died at 94, and remained a constant source of great pain and embarrassment. She was a proud and guarded woman so it was particularly unique and distressing to see her so upended.
My mother was decimated by her unwanted divorce from my father, has never dated another man since, and remains in limerence with him after nearly 30 years. The obsession has severely limited her quality of life and has had a profoundly negative impact on her children.