Alice is in a spot of bother. She has been married for nearly ten years, and met her husband after a previous relationship ended. It was kind of a “soft ending” in some respects:
We didn’t dislike each other, but it wasn’t working for some reason. It was very hard to end the relationship over that, but it needed to end, as we were both unhappy with how things were. (I ended it, and I discovered later that my ex partner went into turmoil over this and took a good while to get over it. I didn’t know this at the time and only found out recently – we took a clean break and didn’t communicate for years).
Fast forward to the present, and Alice finds herself visiting her ex’s city for work, and – fatefully – gets in touch to suggest a friendly catch up over coffee after all these years.
Experienced limerents will be wincing at this point
My ex anticipated that it might be a bit difficult; I was much more breezy and thought bygones were bygones and it would all be fine. He was right, I was wrong. It wasn’t fine.
She was hit by the limerence train.
On seeing my ex, all the old feelings came flooding back that I didn’t even know were there, even in dormant form.
Being an enlightened soul, Alice has been using this unexpected and shocking experience to try and understand both what happened in the past and why she is going through limerence now.
The LE for your ex that you wouldn’t have in a million years anticipated a few weeks prior, now prompts almost total overwhelming, all-consuming thoughts of them, such that work begins to get neglected. You try and eke out time in your schedule for ‘alone time’ to indulge fantasies about the ex. These fantasies feel utterly delicious. Thinking about the ex becomes your new hobby. They give you a dopamine drenched high. You stare at old pictures of them and can sense your synapses / neurones crackling and fizzing with pleasure.
Curiously, I don’t think Alice was limerent for her ex first time round, but she does suspect that part of the emotional dynamic – and possibly the cause of the breakup – was complementary, unhealthy attachment styles. Also, her marriage was already in trouble before that ill-fated “old friends” catch up, and it’s a form of trouble that comes up a lot in the messages I get: Alice and her husband are no longer having sex. They are trying to work this out (in their case, he is the low libido partner), but as anyone who regularly reads agony aunt columns knows, that’s a perennially high-stakes, high-conflict topic (which always degenerates into thousands of comments as people shout variations on “The marriage is dead!” and “There’s more to life than sex!” past each other).
So, Alice got in touch to ask:
I just wondered if you’d consider writing a blog post giving an in depth look at limerence between people who were once partners, as I think that brings a while other layer of complexity (and pain)
Good idea. Here goes.
So this is not something I’ve personally experienced, but I can see it’s a doozy. There are a number of likely aggravating factors with ex-partners, making limerence both more likely to happen and harder to get over. Let’s work through the tribulations.
1) LO reciprocated once, so they may well reciprocate again
The thing that limerents crave most of all is reciprocation. They want LO to be as madly infatuated as they are, so they can submerge themselves into each other in a glorious euphoric melding of oneness. Well, the thing with exes is – even if the whole “euphoric wonder” thing wasn’t there – they did reciprocate once. They were into you enough to get together and fool around. So one of the major drivers of limerence is built in at the start. You want them, and it’s totally credible that they want you too and you could have them.
2) It didn’t work out first time, so it might not work out again
Another major driver for limerence is uncertainty. You’re sure they’re attracted to you, but you can’t be sure how much. Well, with an ex that uncertainty factor is also built right into the fabric of the situation. You know it failed once. It was good and then it wasn’t good, so even though you are massively keen again, it could all fall apart again. Should you even try? But you’ve both changed, so maybe it would work better this time? Why did it fail? Because I ended it and left him! Maybe if we try again he will end it this time?
This sort of mental second-guessing is the stuff that rumination is made of. Crazy making merry-go-round thoughts that have no resolution, but keep LO central in your mind – keep the prospect of a relationship with LO central in your mind. Endlessly working though the permutations, comparing the old (rose-tinted) relationship with your current (dull looking) marriage and wondering what you really want.
3) You know you are sexually compatible
Most people don’t end up in a romantic relationship of any length, unless they are enjoying the sex. Lousy sexual partners rarely get past a few clumsy and unrewarding attempts at hooking up, after all. Exes are a known quantity – the sex with them was at least good enough to mean you gave it a go for a while. And it might have been great.
Add to that the limerence idealisation of only remembering the red hot feats of sexual athleticism, and glossing over the good-enough-but-not-very-memorable everyday encounters, and you’ve got some good fodder for X-rated daydreams.
Add to that the dam of pent up desire and emotional pain that comes from repeated rejection by a spouse and… well, I wouldn’t like to be anywhere near that bomb when it goes off.
4) Unfinished business plus nostalgia
It’s possibly a little early for Alice in her mid thirties, but we’ve discussed before the fact that midlife is a particularly vulnerable time for limerence. To a large degree that’s because of a feeling that time is running out, that you have chosen a road for yourself and have a little panic that it might not be the right one, and you realise that other options are closing down. You will never be an astronaut. You will never be a pop star. You will never be young again.
A paradox of midlife, though, is that the realisation that new opportunities are disappearing provokes a wave of nostalgia. Instead of seeking new adventures, many people revisit old places and pastimes – perhaps in the hope of recapturing the feelings that they used to evoke when they were younger, and full of hopes and dreams. I’m sure the same principle applies to old relationships.
A life with LO was a road that Alice chose not to take, no doubt for very good reasons. But, that road seems to have opened up again. Perhaps it’s possible to go back in time and get it right after all? Perhaps their complementary emotional issues could perfectly gel, and they can save each other now that they are so much wiser and more experienced? A seductive thought. An emotional time machine, and a second chance at mastering the romantic adventure.
It’s much more likely, of course, that it’s all an illusion. The same problems that ended it in the first place would need to be confronted and resolved, and that would be just as much emotional labour as trying to make the current marriage work.
Now, Alice strikes me as a purposeful type, who is feeling a bit ridiculous about the situation she got herself into, and is determined to stay true to her moral compass. I think she’ll do fine.
For the rest of us, her story is a salutary lesson in how perilous coffee dates with old flames can be.
Step carefully. There’s dragons out there.
“You love somebody, and then you don’t love them anymore. But if you really love somebody, you always love them, don’t you? Isn’t there always some small part of you that reads their horoscope in the paper everyday?” – Cynthia Heimel, A Girl’s Guide To Chaos
My ex, LO #2: Virgo
“So, if I leave her…
And, you leave him…
Can we ever get it back again..?”
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CaRnRp63Aj4
The answer is “Probably not” but the song is catchy.
I love the Beach Boys!
Today is LO #2’s 65th birthday. I made the mistake of telling my wife. She asked that I not acknowledge it.
My wife didn’t like LO #2 30 years ago and it seems nothing has changed.
Why in the world would you raise that topic and how could you possibly expect her to respond differently? Or was her response the one you wanted? It is very likely your wife feels her position is threatened everytime LO#2 is brought up.
You have discusses #2 frequently since I have been reading here, so I think your wife is right not to care for all the head space she still occupies. It sounds as though you still carry a torch for her and are more eager to relight it than toss it into the water.
The subject happened to be Social Security and when we could respectively retire. LO #2 happens to be in the last year you can retire at 65. My wife and I have to work longer.
I doubt that torch will ever be relit. I spent a lot of time with the therapist on this. It’s not that I want to get back together, it’s about unfinished business and the ability to let things go. The therapist said I ended the relationship with LO #2 and rebounded into my wife. She said for a rebound relationship, we had done remarkably well. I argued that with her. I told the therapist we’d broken up over a year earlier. The therapist replied that we were still seeing each other and I’d laid out the conditions of LO #2’s return only a few months prior to meeting my wife. The therapist said if LO #2 hadn’t said the wrong thing and really pissed me off, I would have likely kept things going. The therapist said timing is everything, my wife came along when she did, and I was smart enough to see which of them was the better offer.
The therapist said I’d never mourned my relationship with LO #2 and I left a lot of things on the table. She said once my wife came along, I just left. She said in her opinion I needed to finally allow myself to do that. Considering I had a wife and two kids by that point, pulling that off was no easy feat. I took the dog for a lot of long walks and let a lot of things out. The therapist also said that back then, I hadn’t processed the things LO #2 had said to me. Understanding that led to understanding other things that were affecting my marriage that had nothing to do with LO #2.
As for the unfinished business, the therapist tried to take care of that vicariously by taking on the role of LO #2. She did a pretty good job but, she didn’t get all of it. She said an actual confrontation wouldn’t do anybody any good. She said out last meeting wasn’t a goodbye of two people who’d spent 4 years thinking they would be together, our last meeting was a fight. It was and I started it. I think If I met her today, it would still be a fight. Unlike our last meeting in a restaurant in Pioneer Square in April, 1988, over lunch, I’d know exactly what I was saying and why. I had the chance to do that when LO #2 sent the FB friend request and my dead father came back in a dream to tell me to stay away from her. I tell myself that there’s nothing I want to say to LO #2 and nothing I want to hear from her. But, that’s not true. That woman owes me an apology. In the 5 stages, it’s all anger and acceptance. I’m way past the other 3.
I know what the right answer is. One of the truly great things about this site is I can still work on what I need to do.
“The subject happened to be Social Security and when we could respectively retire. LO #2 happens to be in the last year you can retire at 65. My wife and I have to work longer.”
My point is there was no reason to speak about LO#2 to your wife whatsoever and to remember and state it was her birthday 30 years later, to your wife, who never liked her anyway was unnecessary unless you wanted her upset and off-balance.
I am willing to bet that every time you bring her up it pisses Mrs. Scharnhorst off. Then to remember her birthday and insert that into the conversation? Four years or more of therapy but you still made certain she knows that LO#2 is important enough to remember her 65th birthday.
I bet it REALLY hurt her feelings. If you agree, do not buy her a “guilt gift”. I have received plenty of them and I never wear them. They only bring back memories of the miserable event that led to them showing up. I quietly give them away.
Hi Lee,
don’t know if you’ll see this but I agree with you. His wife probably feels so bad. My husband rarely mentions his old girlfriend from high school, but when he does, that indicates to me that the feelings are still there.
And I’m not sure how to feel about that. Playing second fiddle to a woman much older than myself, who dumped him 32 years ago, doesn’t sit well with me.
It’s one thing to be limerent…but it’s also important to be mindful of the present reality and the partner/spouse one has now.
I recall reading how Jim Dougherty (first husband of Marilyn Monroe) married for the second time, and his new wife didn’t even want Marilyn’s name mentioned at all.
She also made him throw out anything remotely associated with Marilyn. While it might seem like insecurity and jealousy (because hey, it was Marilyn Monroe and she was hot!) I also think that Jim still carried a torch and the new wife could tell.
She wanted the focus to be on her as his new partner, and rightfully so. No one wants to deal with unfinished business.
Article of the Day: https://thoughtcatalog.com/kris-gage/2019/12/of-course-your-ex-still-thinks-about-you/
I found this article comforting. For years, I wondered if LO #2 ever thought about me in all those years. While it was technically possible to accidentally friend someone you weren’t actually looking at by fat fingering the old “People You May Know List” (I know because I accidentally sent a request to a teenage girl in St. Louis), I’m going to assume that even if the request was an accident, she was on my page.
At first, I didn’t know what was worse, wondering if she had ever looked, or believing she had, at least once, and wondering what it might have meant.
“. . . midlife is a particularly vulnerable time for limerence. To a large degree that’s because of a feeling that time is running out, that you have chosen a road for yourself and have a little panic that it might not be the right one, and you realise that other options are closing down. You will never be an astronaut. You will never be a pop star. You will never be young again.
A paradox of midlife, though, is that the realisation that new opportunities are disappearing provokes a wave of nostalgia. Instead of seeking new adventures, many people revisit old places and pastimes – perhaps in the hope of recapturing the feelings that they used to evoke when they were younger, and full of hopes and dreams. ”
I have read and re-read the posts on midlife limerence and could not agree more. I am fascinated by the concept of nostalgia and how it plays a role in limerence. Not so much for an ex in my case, but as a longing for a time when I was younger and care-free. I see LO as the perfect ideal of how I used to be years ago before family and career and stress and pressure and responsibility happened. I see a younger version of myself. We already have so much in common. But I have a deep longing to return to that. I ponder regret of my life’s choices. I should have spurned higher education and my profession and done something artistic with my life instead. Sure it wouldn’t provide me with as much money but who cares. Life is about more than that.
But I had another thought about nostalgia that just dawned on me recently, and I wonder if it’s been discussed here. In my ruminations about LO, I often think back to times in our lives when we were growing up (we are from the same region but about 2 hours’ drive apart). We visited the same places, attended universities at roughly the same times, etc. I wonder if our paths ever crossed and we didn’t know it. I get sent down this rabbit hole anytime I see an old photo of LO or we discuss things from our past. Anytime I think about her past, I instantly think about my past: Where was I at that time? What was I doing? Was I happy then?
My conclusion is that it is my subconscious trying to re-create a time and place where LO and I could have met under different circumstances without barriers to us being together. I am convinced LO and I would have a made a perfect match, if given the chance. The tragic part is that we were never given that chance. And now barriers exist for both of us. That creates such an ache in my stomach I cannot even describe it. I mourn the death of a relationship that never was.
I can relate to this.
When LO #4 left her BF, she moved to about 15 miles from where I used to live. I could get to her with my eyes closed. I gave her directions to places. I could see us on the deck of the restaurant at sunset, the smell of low tide, hearing the ferry sound its whistle as it swung into the dock. I could see us walking along specific beaches. I knew the kind of beer she liked and what places likely had it.
If that wasn’t bad enough, when I disclosed, she said, “Wow! I had no idea. I’m flattered and, under different circumstances, might even be curious. But, circumstances are what they are.”
In my case, from what she said, if I was available, I think she would have at least given me a shot. That was really hard for awhile but now, since I’m not willing to sacrifice my marriage and family, I think that for me, that’s as good as it will ever get.
My God this resonated heavily. The pain you feel in your stomach is grief. We feel the sense of loss no differently than people who have actually lost a loved one to death. Except we hold it in more and suffer in silence because our truth seems crazy.
Right when I was about to turn thirty this mid life crisis hit me like a ton of bricks. I wasn’t happy in life and in my marriage as a stay at home mother. And whereas I was always optimistic about my future, my hopeless attitude toward such sent me spiraling back to the past trying to recapture a version of myself that no longer existed. I missed my youth. I deeply longed to relive those old times.
A huge part of those memories was my high school ex/first love. Like Alice, we parted ways mutually though it was a tough pill to swallow on my end. There was this undeniable chemistry that just didn’t seem to mesh well with time but it followed us throughout the years as we remained respectable “friends”. I moved forward with life but would come to realize once I got married and entered this mid life crisis stage, that I never truly moved on. I don’t believe it’s possible to forget someone you truly loved, you just learn to live with it. In my case I numbed the grief so the love would die. But grief is an entirely different beast that comes with anger and a whole lot of temptation to rewrite the past once you allow yourself to feel it. Limerence with my ex has been an on and off sixteen year battle but I am making progress in finding better ways to cope, living purposefully, being productive, and making new happy memories.
We cannot get the past back. But what I will say is this, I long to have him in my future if even briefly. I feel guilty about this because I’d never disrupt his life nor mine to pursue a relationship between us, but I’d wait several decades for one chance to see his face before I die. And maybe it’s false hope, but I rather hold on to this , than the past memories and grief of what I lost.
I’ve been through this myself (thankfully I got over it). I was relieved to wake up one day and not have feelings for an ex anymore!
My husband, however, is/was still somewhat limerent for an ex-girlfriend of his who dumped him in high school 32 years ago.
I’ve mentioned it on here a bit. The difference between his limerence and mine is that I’m completely over mine, and being that I am much younger than he is…my history with my ex was far more recent.
I agree with what B said about how limerence is a type of nostalgia. It’s a way to escape one’s present reality with thoughts of the past (if the past was pleasant).
I don’t think it is always inherently bad to look back on the past and wonder what could have been. But at the same time, I also agree with Lee, who pointed out how hurtful it is to come in second place to a LO.
I love my husband, still do after 12 years of marriage, but in some ways I realize that we aren’t compatible.
He doesn’t want children (but made me believe that he did). He loves to travel…I’ve become more of a home body.
Constant travel drains me. I need the comfort of my home. Maybe that sounds boring, but I did most of my traveling when I was younger.
Now I just need stability in my life. Our differences are becoming more clear to me now and sometimes I worry about our future.
As I told my husband, I think nostalgia is the driving force behind whatever feelings he may still have for T. (the high school girlfriend).
It’s not that she was so wonderful in reality (she wasn’t) or that they had great sex (they played around, but never consummated the relationship).
He never even actually had sex with her! They did other things because they were both Christian kids from a small town, but intercourse never happened from what he told me.
So it’s not as if she rocked his world sexually. I think the limerence stems from memories of a simpler time for him, growing up in a small town that felt safe, still living with his parents, going to school and working a part-time job back then.
In his mind at the time, he probably thought that this girl would be “The One” to marry. They were both from conservative Baptist backgrounds.
But she dumped him around graduation time in 1988 and according to his mom, it broke his heart. While he treats me very well, I do believe that he never overcame the hurt of the ex-girlfriend ditching him and moving on to other guys.
There is still a part of him that is 18 years old, wanting her back. But that ship sailed in 1988.
M,
“I agree with what B said about how limerence is a type of nostalgia. It’s a way to escape one’s present reality with thoughts of the past (if the past was pleasant).”
That’s exactly what it is. I think you are in your 30s? You maybe haven’t hit the nostalgia age yet. I never thought I would but I did. Knee-deep in middle age, it hits you. I don’t romanticize high school like your husband but college age. No real responsibility, every around you is your age, you’re all going through a collective experience, your hours are erratic and strange, you have no set schedule, and you spend a good chunk of time partying with your friends. And you don’t even know how great you have it. 🙂
Hi Marcia,
late 30’s. I actually have nostalgia all the time! Not in a limerent way, though. More like sadness about all the things I can’t change from the past.
I had a very difficult childhood and my high school/college years were tough too. I envy anyone who has great memories of their past.
M, I would really love to talk to you privately as I am going through a very similar situation right now. Please let me know if that is possible.
@Marcia.
The concept of nostalgia is a really interesting one. I’m 38, and my high school years/college years weren’t exactly “carefree”. For example, I was anxious a lot. I was depressed a lot. I was convinced I didn’t fit in and would never find a place to fit in. I actually didn’t like many of my peers. I found a lot of my friends either boring or stupid, which might be the limerence talking. (Limerence makes platonic friendship seem bland).
In hindsight, I was experiencing all the highs and lows of a full-blown limerent episode. I was very self-absorbed, and felt very self-righteous most of the time. I probably had a lot of critical things to say about my social environment whereas my peers just enjoyed themselves. (Maybe my peers were smarter than me? Or, at least, less temperamental?) 😛
However, now, at 38, I’m hugely nostalgic for these period in my life. It just seemed like … there was so much time in front of me. Now, there’s less time in front of me. Young people can be very frivolous with time, but none of us get an unlimited amount of time. So I think that’s why I feel nostalgic. (Do I still have time to achieve a few really good, worthwhile goals? How can I motivate myself to start working on those goals? Or are big, ambitious, intellectual projects another way of frittering away time?)
E.g. if life is painfully short, should I be writing a book that may never be published or walking in the park? Or is there time enough for both amateur book-writing full of bitter musings AND park-walking? Haha!
I even find myself getting all misty-eyed over people (not LOs) who gave me a hard time, like the so-called high school bully. Like I said, nostalgia is such a strange thing. Can we miss the bad stuff as well as the good? 😛
@M.
I wonder if people can feel nostalgia not over a past that actually happened, or a relationship that actually took place and was great, but for alternative lives not led? A bit like Robert Frost’s “path not taken”?
Maybe your husband is more haunted by “what ifs” than “whats” in his life? Maybe this girl hangs around in his head precisely because nothing much happened between them? It’s not their past relationship, which was negligible from the sound of things, but the fantasy of a relationship that didn’t evolve…
It’s weird that “non-events” can sometimes have such emotional pull! 😛
Sammy and M,
But don’t you think there are periods in your life when you are happier than others? I remember my grandfather telling me the happiest time in his life was when he was just out of high school, the year before he joined the Navy, still living at home, working a dead-end job and hanging out with his friends every night at the big band clubs. He was young, he cute, he was a bit of a ladies’ man. I’m sure he was having a ball. No worry about climbing the corporate ladder, making a living, etc. He died at 67. So his happiest year was ages 18 to 19. What do you do if your happiest years are behind you, and you know it? It’s a depressing thought.
@Marcia.
I was very happy as a kid up to the age of about 13, but I think that’s simply because I was oblivious to most things! Haha! Ignorance truly is bliss. 😛
In adolescence, awareness of the social world started to intrude on my consciousness, especially my inability to navigate said social world, and that took a big toll on my happiness. (Maybe my brutally honest teenage peers undermined my childhood narcissism, forcing me to eventually give up said narcissism and slide into depression?)
I think how well we get along with others, or how well we perceive we get along with others, is a big determinant of happiness. Human beings are social animals. It takes a while to learn the social ropes and even then we can make huge, humiliating boo-boos. 😛
My severely-limerent period (ages 15-25) made happiness seem totally unattainable for a while. There was ecstasy. There just wasn’t happiness.
I think I started to experience happiness again as I neared 30. I was allowing myself to have new experiences, visit new locations, etc. Also, I was started to connect with other gay men. I found my tribe, in other words. I found people just like me, who could mirror me somewhat, and that was healing in itself. Maybe happiness came into my life when I allowed myself to “start growing” again?
I wouldn’t say I’m deliriously happy nowadays. But I would stay I’m emotionally stable and more or less at peace. Baby steps, right? 😛
Sammy,
“I think how well we get along with others, or how well we perceive we get along with others, is a big determinant of happiness. ”
Well, get along with, yes, but I think a true sense of connectedness is key. It’s not just having a bunch of people around you who we get along with but people who know you and understand you and support you.
I’ve had fleeting moments where I’ve been happy (maybe contented is more like it). But my life has never been worry-free…I can’t really say that my years growing up were all that wonderful.
There was more bad than good. What should have been the best years of my life were far from it.
M,
Well, I think being happy is being fulfilled, whatever that means to you. I think for me, although I certainty had periods of unhappiness during this time in my life, there was a sense of adventure in my mid-20s to early 30s. I walked into a party and felt like anything could happen. Now, I go into a party, and I can tell you exactly what’s going to happen. I can even tell you the exact moment I’m going to get home, before I even leave. I feel like I’m in Kansas now whereas before I had at least some moments of being in Oz. Maybe that’s what limerence is. Having a little bit of color in your life at a time when everything else is kind of predictable.
Sammy,
I think you may be right. There may be a part of him that feels like things could have moved beyond high school with her, but she broke up with him, thus that chance was lost.
I used to wonder “what if?” when it came to my ex too. What if the miscarriage hadn’t happened?
What if things hadn’t turned out so badly? What if he hadn’t moved onto somebody else? What if he hadn’t died? But all of that is rumination, a waste of time. Things are what they are.
And looking at things in a more realistic way now, I can say that it’s better that our relationship didn’t work out.
He was not a good person…I’ll leave it at that.
I can speculate that with my husband, it’s the fact that she ended their high school romance abruptly and he might have wondered why.
After all, they dated all through high school and as many young people do, he probably thought it was “forever”.
But she planned to go off to college, leave their little town and meet other guys. He was a boy that she liked, fooled around with, but didn’t see a long-term future with.
I think if reality were to creep in, he could see this.
M,
“I think if reality were to creep in, he could see this.”
Maybe he needs to hear it from her. I went to see an ex two years after we broke up. I realize it’s been quite a bit longer since the break up for your husband, but … stick with me for a minute. I was embarrassed to go see the ex. I didn’t want him to know I wasn’t over him, but my friend convinced me that didn’t matter. And I went to talk to him for all of about 15 minutes, but I finally saw him clearly. He was trying to come on to me and he was well aware how much he had hurt me. And the whole thing set me free because I could finally come to terms with how little he cared about me. I was finally done. So maybe your husband needs to meet up with this woman and ask her about why she ended things and if they had a future. I know people will shoot the idea down, but sometimes just seeing the person in the flesh in front of you really does a number on you. My ex … I had imagined him looking like James Dean … and when I saw him again, after two years, I remember thinking: I don’t remember him looking like that. I had completely recreated him in my mind. He was just a guy.
Marcia,
Agreed…we see things much differently later! I’m not sure I would want him to meet up with her.
She is married with kids, lives far away in another state, probably hasn’t thought about him in years.
But it would still bother me.
It’s funny you should say that, though. His high school reunion was in 2008 and he considered going to it.
He wasn’t really popular in school…not in the traditional way. He wasn’t a jock. He was more of the smart “nerdy” type who played chess and was part of the honors society.
He had a few good friends, but they all went their separate ways after high school. When the subject of his reunion came up, he said he wanted to see her again. At the time, it didn’t bother me because I figured it was just wanting to know what she’d been up to.
We also were not married at the time.
But now I look back on that comment and wonder, hmm…maybe I just didn’t notice anything odd there?
We didn’t attend the reunion after all. He decided not to. I’m not sure if it was out of respect for me, or perhaps he was afraid that seeing her would bring back memories.
Being completely honest here…I also would be uncomfortable with the idea of him talking to her because they had sexual contact in the past.
Not saying that would definitely happen now, but you never know.
M,
“Being completely honest here…I also would be uncomfortable with the idea of him talking to her because they had sexual contact in the past. …Not saying that would definitely happen now, but you never know.”
I wouldn’t worry about that. She broke up with him decades ago. Sounds like she moved on pretty quickly. Sex probably wouldn’t even be on the table and not even in her mind.
M,
“… after, but in some ways I realize we aren’t compatible… Our differences are becoming more clear to me and sometimes I worry about our future.”
That’s pretty significant.
Maybe he just reached that point before you. There’s nothing like being unhappy in your current relationship and not seeing much hope for the future to have you looking at the past. You question everything and nostalgia can look pretty good, even if it wasn’t.
So, what attracted you two to each other? He got dumped 32 years ago and you’ve been married for 12 years. What was going on in the intervening 20 years?
What attracted you to each other?
And, as far as reconnecting with an ex goes, it happens. I remember talking to a woman who said her now ex-husband’s ex-girlfriend contacted him on FB after 28 years and less than a year later, they were divorced.
When LO #2 sent me a FB friend request after 25 years, I told my wife. She asked if I was curious. I told her very but there was only one way to find out and I asked her if she was willing to assume that risk. My wife said “no,” so I deleted it.
The subject came up once later. My wife asked if I regretted not accepting it. I told her that I didn’t want to reconnect with her but I wanted to know if LO #2 meant to send it or if it was accidental. My wife asked why. I told her I just did. I still do from time-to-time.
My wife asked if I could live without knowing. I said I’d have to and I told my wife of a question the therapist used to repeatedly ask me:
“What would you do with that knowledge if you had it?’
I forgot to add this part.
When I got the FB friend request from LO #2, I had two dreams about her. Neither of them was good.
In one of them, my father came back from the dead to warn me not to reengage her. I told him that I was going to find LO #2 and talk to her.
He said, “Don’t. Leave this alone.”
In the 40 years since he died, I only remember one other dream I ever had about him. He doesn’t appear often but when he does, it’s usually about something important. Some of this stuff can go pretty deep.
Your father was a wise dude, LE!
Hi LE,
I’m not unhappy with him…I do love him very much. It’s just that there are certain things (like me wanting kids, but he doesn’t) that are a problem.
We talked about children before we were married and he seemed like he wanted them too, but seems to have changed his mind and won’t even consider it now.
We are incompatible in some ways, but we do love and cherish one another. We just need to talk more about certain issues.
I don’t blame your wife for not being OK with that. Kudos to you for being honest with her, though.
Some men would hide it and communicate with the other woman in secret. That’s what I told Marcia I DON’T want to happen (lol).
I don’t ever want to find myself in a situation where this woman reaches out online after 32 years and they start talking.
And if they do, I hope he would be honest with me like you were with your wife.
You asked what brought us together. Well, we both liked one another immediately, both looks and personality.
The conversation flowed really well…like we were old friends meeting again. It all felt natural and he was different from other guys I knew.
He treated me like a lady, which was nice. If you were a woman and you could meet him, you would see what drew me to him.
I think we both saw positive things in one another.
You asked about the intervening 20 years. I didn’t know him then because I was just a kid, but from what he told me…he dated several women after that girl.
He was engaged to one of them for a while, until he found out that she was cheating with her ex (I know, I know).
There were other girls, some of whom he liked, but none that he really saw a future with. He even admitted that his feelings for the fiance weren’t that deep.
I’ve playfully asked him “so why’d you marry me?” He says because he loved me and felt like I was the one.
And I do believe him, that he loves me. But there’s also the thought of Blondie from 1988 looming in the background.
This happened to me too, after three years of being limerent for my high school ex, I woke up one day and it was gone ! I moved on to live life like a regular college girl, I started dating again, I even met up with my ex just to catch up (as we always remained respectable friends) . But once I got married, and the reality of life set in before I hit thirty, things changed. My subconscious mind started bringing him back to focus and it wasn’t long before I was in full out limerence worse than before.
I say all that to say. Sometimes with limerence we don’t truly know it’s over until we are confronted with difficult life circumstances that challenge us to default to familiar coping cope mechanisms. Limerence isn’t consuming when we are happy, productive, purposeful, and optimistic about life. It’s consuming in the lows when we desperately want to escape reality.
On the other hand I think it’s beautiful that you acknowledge your husbands limerence and aren’t threatened by it. You get his disposition because you’ve been there. It’s difficult when a spouse is not only ignorant about limerence , but they also don’t care to learn. I do worry about the future of my marriage at times too. There’s so many ways we aren’t compatible though we make a great team.
Also, on possibly seeing her again…I’ve also thought that if he saw her now, some of the fantasy might be diminished (hopefully).
I think that on some level he still pictures her as this “hot” girl (mainly because of the sexual things they used to do in high school) rather than what she really is.
I’ve seen recent pictures of her and he would probably not recognize her as the same person he knew back then.
She wasn’t a beauty in high school, but she was thinner in those days (and willing to let all the boys feel her up).
I’ve also told him that they are very different people. He likes to gamble and to travel a lot. She is a preacher’s wife…a homely type that would frown upon going to casinos and she would also want to have children (which she did).
He and myself are very different in some ways too, but we’ve made it work. I told him that about her as a “come down to earth” statement.
We are not religious, church-going people so he is better suited with me than with somebody like her.
She is all about church and supporting her husband in his ministry. That wouldn’t fit with my husband’s preferred activities/lifestyle.
I think you need to figure out a way to make him understand (not by telling, by showing) that he is remembering a fantasy relationship that never really was all that serious or impactful (from what you’ve written), at least not to her. So that a few months from now this is no longer an issue.
Is he looking at ways of working through this and getting closure? Therapy? If not, are you ok with that? I used to be a big believer in disclosure, but now I’m not so sure. Disclosure, on some level, is narcisssitic. Because guess who becomes the focus after disclosure? The limerent spouse and, by extension, the LO. That’s a lot of drama.
Sorry, Marcia…could you explain more? When you say disclosure, what do you mean? Like telling the spouse that you have feelings for another?
Also, he has never had therapy to my knowledge. I’ve had therapy/counseling in the past to try to work through trauma.
But I don’t think he’s ever been to therapy. His way of handling it (and problems in general) is to clam up, withdraw, become distant, and change the subject if he finds a topic too unpleasant or difficult.
It doesn’t rule his life, just to be clear. He isn’t like some people who spend every waking moment pining over their LO.
He treats me well and is kind. We do have a good marriage. I just wanted to vent a bit about this one relatively minor issue.
As far as I know, they haven’t met up or talked in years.
M,
“When you say disclosure, what do you mean? Like telling the spouse that you have feelings for another?”
Yes
“As far as I know, they haven’t met up or talked in years.”
I agree that she’s not a threat. I think her feelings for him have been over for years and if she’s as religious as you say, she’s not going to be looking to cheat on her husband, particularly with someone she broke up with 30+ years ago. You may want to suggest he go to therapy to get some closure with this to find out why it’s still bothering him, but, of course, you can’t make somebody do it, and I agree that this is his issue to solve.
@Marcia…I hope you’re right. I mostly think that, too. But there is also the possibility of her being unhappy in her marriage and if their paths were to somehow cross, things could happen.
I’ve heard of cases where people will reconnect with exes from the past or LO’s and their long-time spouse is cheated on, or dropped like a hot potato.
You are looking at this from the perspective of a woman who is in love with her husband. It doesn’t sound like her feelings for him were all that strong.
@M,
Yeah, she’s a threat. But, at this point she’s a manageable one.
You have more immediate problems. Take care of those and the threat may take care of itself. If you’re seriously worrying about your future together, what are you two doing about that?
You talk a lot about your unhappy childhood and adolescence. Have you ever worked with anyone to go over that? What do you know about his childhood and adolescence?
Hmm…I only mentioned my childhood/adolescence in passing. I wouldn’t consider that “a lot”.
Yes, I have tried to talk about it in therapy. As to this chick being a threat, nope…she isn’t. But she is a slight thorn in my side only because I know he still has some unresolved feelings. It’s not my job to deal with that, it’s his. Only he can control his feelings.
@M Do you trust your SO? If yes, I think you have little to worry about, your marriage sounds good from what you have said and it does not sound like limerence to me. If no, then maybe it is the lack of trust you should worry about, not the ex?
It can be so hard to accept and live with our SOs past relationship baggage can’t it (and most people have some, darn it!) but I think most people will experience feelings and desire for others at some point during a lifetime of marriage and coping with that comes down to trust. Your SO has made a lifelong commitment to be faithful and honest to you, and to put you first. Do you believe he intends to stick by that commitment?
@Allie…yes, for the most part. There have been rare times when I didn’t (I’ll explain more later).
But for the most part, I do.
As to whether he intends to honor the commitment, only he can answer that. Things can happen in a marriage that the other person is completely unaware of. People hide secrets from their partners.
I don’t think he is fully limerent to the extent of some people here, but make no mistake…he still carries a torch.
Has he acted on it? Not to my knowledge. But there have been comments where he’s indicated that if she were to contact him after all this time, he might not be able to resist. It’s just kind of implied.
It’s very telling because he doesn’t mention any other woman from his past in that way…only her.
That’s why I think it’s limerence.