Another limerence case study today from a reader (we’ll call her Emma) who has an unexpected role-reversal problem.
Emma is a limerent who has dealt with a couple of limerence emergencies in her life, but is otherwise happily married. She recently attended a work conference – the first in-person event for some time, given global events – and happened by chance to meet an older guy who (unknown to her at the time) is a Big Shot in her industry.
We chatted over drinks in the bar and it was fun and easy. Now I think about it I think he appreciated that I wasn’t all fawning and sales-pitchy (because I had no idea how influential he was!)
A day later, Big Shot invited Emma to dinner, and then started getting a bit more personal. At this point, we might all be jumping to #metoo conclusions and fearing for Emma’s well being, but in fact it was more a case of emotional rather than sexual overtures.
He hung around me a lot and kept insisting on introducing me to other people. At the end of the conference he was too much. He kept telling me how special I was and how much our time together had meant to him and insisting I had to keep in touch. Now that I understand my own limerence, I just kept getting the vibe that he was feeling glimmer for me.
OK, so a tale of uncomfortable professional boundary crossing, heightened by the giddiness of freedom (and booze) no doubt. But now, Emma is back home, and Big Shot is not giving up. The post-conference period was not spent Reflecting On His Behaviour, instead, he is pushing to keep connecting.
I emailed him [a document] using my personal email pretty soon after first meeting him. Mistake! He emailed me to ask if we could pick up where we left off at the conference. I don’t know what to do. I’m not interested in him romantically. I don’t want any favors from him but I also don’t want him to spoil my reputation in [our industry] if I offend him which he could totally do. How do I reply without making the situation worse?
One way to view this problem is from a professional ethics perspective. Big Shot should not have made any personal approaches to Emma. He is in the wrong. Emma should report his behaviour and make sure that no-one else has to deal with his poor boundary control. Why should she have to do the emotional labour of tiptoeing around his sensibilities?
But – uh, oh – Emma is a limerent too…
I also feel bad because I know I’ve acted just as inappropriately in the past with an LO so I’d feel like a hypocrite if I raise hell. I’m not angry and I don’t want to punish him, I just want him to stop writing me.
So, that’s the dilemma. How do you respond to an unwelcome advance from a potential limerent, when you can relate to the personal turmoil they’re going through? How should Emma handle this professional and personal quandary?
A good place to start is to set aside the idea that you do actually know what they are going through. Even though the symptoms of limerence are surprisingly consistent between sufferers, the specifics will differ, of course. We don’t actually know what Big Shot’s motivations are, or what he wants. Emma may sense limerent interest, but it would be a mistake to plan her actions in the belief that she can predict how he will respond, or what he will do as a consequence of how she phrases her reply.
The other issue is that professional life is littered with these sorts of dilemmas where people within your network do not conduct themselves well. While it certainly made Emma uncomfortable, “excessive compliments and oversharing” is not a professional misconduct slam dunk – it falls right in the grey area of uncertainty that requires delicate personal judgements to be made.
From her email, I get the impression that Emma would like a diplomatic escape from the situation. Even if Big Shot is not a resentful and vindictive type, she wants to detach on neutral terms, with as few repercussions as possible. So, what options does she have?
1. Provide an emergency exit
One approach is to give Big Shot a chance to save face. The idea is that she expresses concern or confusion about the request, but leaves him with enough plausible deniability to exit with dignity. Something along the lines of:
Thanks for reaching out, but I am not really sure what you mean by picking up our conversation? Did you mean [work related topic]? If so, it’s probably best to do this through my work email or Linkedin. I only really use this personal email for family business.
If he has even average interpersonal skills he’ll take that as an opportunity to save himself further embarrassment. It gives him an easy excuse to drop the subject. If, in contrast, he lacks that awareness or is indifferent to other people’s boundaries, an alternative approach is to…
2. Lance the boil
Limerents know what ambiguity and delay is like. It makes everything worse. It’s not in anyone’s interest to draw things out by taking ages to reply to him in the hope he gets the message. Similarly, trying to laugh things off, or giving non-committal replies only prolongs the episode. If you want it to stop, you have to leave no room for uncertainty.
If he doesn’t get the hint from the first approach, and oversteps again on the reply, you should quickly respond with an unambiguously negative response.
That means being more direct than is comfortable for most people. Avoid any flattering tones or wishy-washy sentiments: “It was really nice to meet you, but I need to concentrate on my work at the moment” can be read by an infatuated limerent as “IT WAS REALLY NICE TO MEET YOU blah blah some other words that don’t matter.”
Get to the point:
Thanks for your email. I think that you are looking for a more personal connection than I am comfortable with, so I think it is best if we stop the correspondence now. I keep my family and professional lives separate, and do not like to discuss my personal life with colleagues. I hope you understand.
Diplomacy is an art – and I’m not saying my wording is perfect – but the goal is to be assertive without being hostile. The best outcome for you is to remove uncertainty as early as possible in the limerence episode. That way Big Shot doesn’t fall down a rumination hole, doesn’t keep getting in touch again in the hope he can find “an opening”, and he is also likely to recover faster from the infatuation. That helps you too, as the sooner the matter is settled, the sooner you can all move on.
3. What if he retaliates?
It is possible that Big Shot will respond to the embarrassment of being rejected by getting shirty. Unfortunately, there is not a lot you can do to prevent that.
If you adopt a more conciliatory approach, and flatter his ego a bit in the hope that he will be more gracious, there’s a risk it will backfire. Mixed messages will just keep him in that reinforcing state of hope and uncertainty that fuels limerence. Likewise, if you take a combative approach and openly call him out on his conduct, it risks becoming a public row over who was in the wrong and who said what.
You can’t control how he responds, but the other big benefit of taking a diplomatic approach is that if Big Shot does retaliate or continue to pressure you, you have an evidence trail of the fact that you have tried to behave in good faith.
Like so much of managing limerence, knowing your mind, knowing what you want, and acting with purpose is the best way to efficiently diffuse the tension and resolve the situation.
Well, that’s what I’d do. Thoughts from the collective welcomed.
Thomas says
I think the direct diplomatic approach is certainly the way forward. If the guy is the sort of person who won’t take that well, then that’s a whole other problem. But even so, any fall out from a perceived rejection is more likely to happen the greater the perceived rejection… And that will largely be a factor of how long the situation goes on before it is drawn to a close.
In a way the work context provides ample cover for putting a stop to it.
But the boundary has to be sharp, and there’s no room for playing limerence games. A boundary that is clearly defined. Not a barrier that presents a challenge, and may be leaky. For example… Sending a work email to a work contact accidentally from your personal email. Things like that can be read into when one is hopeful and dredging for evidence of reciprocation.
But yeah. A long winded way of saying I reckon Dr. L. Is spot on.
Vincent says
I think Emma is being pretty generous to blame limerence here. More likely Mr Big Shot is a bit of a predator and uses his fame and influence to have his way with women. You see it all the time, and often the guy is incredibly charming and effervescent but ultimately his aim is not to help further her career….
Regardless, I’d either ignore him and hope he moves on to someone else after the next conference, or go into ultra professional mode and suggest that he’s better off being introduced to one of Emma’s (male) colleagues, who can help him further. He should get the hint.
drlimerence says
Yeah, that’s certainly a possibility. But, if so, he works on a strategy of acting as though he is “struggling to contain strong emotions” rather than the more classic alpha male approach.
It could work just as well, but isn’t the stereotypical dynamic you’d expect for a sexual predator.
Vincent says
Feels like a pre-defined tactic to me. How can you get that emotional about someone you just met at a conference?
In this post #MeToo world Men probably can’t come on too strong so he’s figured this is a more subtle move.
Allie 1 says
Maybe one of the reasons this man has become a Mr Big Shot is that he is the type of person that is not afraid to directly go after what he wants, is prepared to risk failure or rejection? That doesn’t make him a predator. I envy that quality and rather wish I could be more like that… sometimes timidity gets you nowhere.
Marcia says
I completely agree with you. The world needs a lot less timidity. I don’t think this guy has fundamentally done anything wrong up to this point. He’s made his interest clear. There only will be a problem if she does make it clear she wants to be left alone and he doesn’t back off.
Sammy says
“I don’t think this guy has fundamentally done anything wrong up to this point. He’s made his interest clear. There only will be a problem if she does make it clear she wants to be left alone and he doesn’t back off.”
@Marcia.
Hm. In my colourful life, I’m afraid I have been in Emma’s shoes somewhat. And I have also been in Mr Big Shot’s shoes somewhat. Albeit not in workplace-related situations. Albeit not in mixed-sex situations.
I agree that nobody has done anything wrong at this point…
My heart goes out to Emma. Mr Big Shot has “come on too strong”, although not in an explicitly sexual way at this point. (Things could turn into sexual harassment if Emma gives him something that could be misconstrued as encouragement, which she definitely doesn’t want to do, as she doesn’t like him like that).
Emma is sensing this man’s energy, above all else. His energy is “too much”. It’s too intense. Discomfort is the natural outcome. Emma most likely feels overwhelmed by this guy’s energy. She feels intimidated, I guess you could say. Which is different from the guy deliberately seeking to intimidate her or anyone else…
I believe Emma is correcting reading this man’s energy as “intense” and she feels a bit panicky and unsettled as a result. I feel Emma’s anxious response to this man’s seeming “pursuit” of her is perfectly reasonable. She’s potentially being chased by a guy she isn’t interested in. It’s not a moral minefield. It’s just plain old awkward.
Mr Big Shot, on the other hand, has probably met in Emma someone he feels a vague attraction to, although the attraction may not be sexual or particularly developed at this stage. He is exhibiting some “pursuit” behaviours in wanting to keep the apparent connection with her alive. He’s assuming that maybe he and Emma have some extraordinary personal connection thanks to their time spent at the conference – which isn’t the case, from Emma’s point of view.
The fact he’s not hiding his energy very well suggests to me that if he is indeed experiencing limerence for Emma, he’s a little bit naive, a newbie to limerence game. He’s showing his hand too soon.
I don’t think he’s a predator. I think this guy is merely interested in chasing women. Nothing wrong with that. His intense energy could be nothing more than enthusiasm. However, maybe the workplace isn’t the best hunting-grounds for him, due to things like power differences and potential conflicts of interests, etc? Also, he needs to become aware that his intense energy makes female colleagues like Emma feel justifiably uncomfortable, although he hasn’t sexually harassed anyone or broken any rules at this point.
If Emma isn’t interested in this man, and his energy makes her feel uncomfortable, I think she needs to start distancing herself from him, but in a very neutral and natural-seeming way. Avoiding all unnecessary contact, in other words. If he makes an explicit pass at her, of course, she will have an opportunity to tell him she’s absolutely not interested. If he keep chasing her after that, he’s in the wrong, and she needs to start documenting all interactions.
I suspect this guy will happily chase other women once he registers Emma’s lack of interest. Hopefully, his intense energy isn’t about Emma so much as it is about potentially dating any number of attractive available women, and he’ll move on in a timely fashion.
I distanced myself from my Mr Big Shot and he moved on . As a result, we are still on good terms to this day. As for my LO who “shut me down” before I so much as made a pass – the relationship deteriorated rapidly, a lot of bad feeling on both sides, and we never spoke again.
I think “gracefully fading away” is sometimes the better option for squeamish LOs than direct confrontation. This is especially true if the limerent has narcissistic traits, or is very immature, and treats rejection as a narcissistic injury. Unfortunately, I was that narcissistic limerent once.
I hope Emma can find something useful in all that. It can be quite upsetting and unnerving to be on the receiving end of limerent attention if one really wasn’t looking for that kind of attention. 😛
Marcia says
Sammy,
“Emma is sensing this man’s energy, above all else. His energy is “too much”. It’s too intense. Discomfort is the natural outcome. ”
Which is why I wrote that she should send the second email response listed in the post. But if, in your experience, trying the subtler approach worked, then maybe she should use the first email response. Diffuse it a little bit first. She does have to work with this guy.
“She’s potentially being chased by a guy she isn’t interested in. It’s not a moral minefield. It’s just plain old awkward.”
But it wouldn’t be if she were into it. 🙂
“Mr Big Shot, on the other hand, has probably met in Emma someone he feels a vague attraction ”
I’m thinking it is sexual. What else would it be? But, as you pointed out, he could be a guy who chases a lot of women and is not limerent. Or he could be a guy who makes a lot of women uncomfortable, limerent or not. There isn’t enough info here.
“If he keep chasing her after that, he’s in the wrong, and she needs to start documenting all interactions.”
Yes, of course. If he doesn’t go away, she needs to file a complaint with HR.
“I think “gracefully fading away” is sometimes the better option for squeamish LOs than direct confrontation. ”
Not a fan. This is too indirect for a limerent. Too indirect in general. But she works with this guy, so the “fade out” may be a better.
“As for my LO who “shut me down” before I so much as made a pass – the relationship deteriorated rapidly, a lot of bad feeling on both sides, and we never spoke again.”
I wish my LO had done this. He said no to the pass but continued to heavily flirt with afterward. It would have been SOOOO much easier had he just gone away. Why would I want to continue to talk with someone who won’t deliver the goods? 🙂 I really couldn’t be “friends” with him afterward.
Thomas says
‘what the world needs now is love, sweet love… AND A LOT LESS TIMIDITY’
Allie and Marcia, could be the next Christmas no. 1!
Marcia says
Thomas,
‘what the world needs now is love, sweet love… AND A LOT LESS TIMIDITY’
I don’t think our culture rewards boldness right now, so I don’t see this as a big hit. 🙂
Thomas says
I’d be tempted to agree Vincent,
I think also based on what sounds like the level of contact (a few emails post conference) it can’t be much past the glimmer stage right?
Redirecting to a colleague is a great idea.
Filbert says
Something sort of like this happened to me recently, and I’ll just say it was tempting to play along a bit as a distraction from upsetting LE sadness and SO difficulty. But in this case the person is an old friend with whom I had fallen out of touch, and, yes, a former LO of mine. So that was strange & dissonant, since if this type of communication had happened between us about 15 years ago it would have been extremely welcome. But, in any case, it was wrecking my head so I tried the “lancing” technique with a lot of friendliness mixed in since this honestly is a person that I don’t want to lose. But it’s not up to me to say if he’s limerent, that’s his mental/emotional business and I don’t think it makes sense to try to subject someone’s behavior to this kind of mirror-imagery with very little actual insight. We can’t feel what it’s like be somebody else, especially based on a few emotionally-charged exchanges that may be largely confined to text messaging, email, etc.
Filbert says
Sorry for typos! Also: lancing + friendliness technique worked nicely which I should have stated before. It was just what the doctor ordered and now I have my friend back AND no weirdness. And here is a Robyn Hitchcock quote for you:
I want to tell you about what I want
…
And the only god should be the god of L.O.V.E
I want a non-invasive kind of telepathy
That lets you feel what it’s like to be somebody else
Feel what it’s like to be somebody else
Allie 1 says
Given how little she knows about him him, I think it is unwise to make any assumptions about what is going on inside him, his motivations or about what type of person he is. All she knows is that he likes her and wants to know her more. She is right to assume people are mostly good until proven otherwise… I find that more often than not, they really are.
Dr. L and Thomas first response is spot on in my book… firm, kind and diplomatic but leaving no uncertainty, no limerent wiggle room.
I don’t think he has done anything wrong yet… liking someone and showing an interest in them is OK in my book. And her rejecting him is also OK… we should not be afraid to assert ourselves, and if we are that is someone we should work on. If he makes moves like that then he is inviting rejection so one would hope he has learned how to handle it graciously. I believe it is how he responds to that rejection that takes this interplay into the realms of either “Me Too” or just simple unrequited attraction.
Allie 1 says
I must add that I am coming from the perspective of someone that has dated co-workers a few times during my career. My SO was a co-worker, as is my LO.
If SO and I had not crossed that boundary, my lovely daughters would not exist! So I am all for taking the risk of having work relationships so long as, like in all aspects of life, you consider and mitigate those risks.
Marcia says
I think she needs to use the second email response suggestion. The first one is clear, but he may be limerent or has at least expressed deep admiration and could misread the situation and see any form of communication — personal or professional — as some kind of invitation, instead of her drawing the line in the sand. The second one makes very clear that he crossed a line and he needs to back off. “I think that you are looking for a more personal connection than I am comfortable with, so I think it is best if we stop the correspondence now. ” This is the perfect sentence. No ambiguity. And if he does try to retaliate, she has the emails as proof she tried to act professionally and nip the situation in the bud.
Blue Ivy says
@Vincent. I agree. I write this from the perspective of a woman working in an industry where most positions of power are held by men. Also, a limerent myself.
This smells closer to predation than limerence.
This guy is VERY aware of the power difference. It is one thing to go moony-eyed & excessive complimentary towards people, to keep thinking about them etc etc… (I don’t have to spell out LE symptoms to this crowd!). But this guy is definitely going after her clear-eyed and callously. In all likelihood she’s not the first woman who’s career he can have a big influence on that he is going after.
I’m sure limerence shows up differently for different people. But my gut tells me that this is closer to predatory behavior… he cares not two hoots about her.
Diederik says
I’m sorry but how do you draw that conclusion here? The description is clear in that they had a flirtatious evening and he want to pursue while she doesn’t. No crime has been commited.
Honestly, as a former limerant with a ex co-worker, this accusation of predatory behavior by an outsider is one of the most hurtful things you can do, and you should be very careful throwing that around.
I’ve experienced it when jealous types were gossiping about my limerant situation and it’s really not cool because personal emotions are involved. FYI: I expressed interest and she was clear that it was non-reciprocal. I never pursued anything after, although it was clear that the relationship deteriorated. That was difficult enough but I mainly left my previous job because of other people gossiping about it. It was super hurtful.
Expressing interest (limerant) and setting boundaries (LO) is perfectly fine. It’s human nature. What matters is how we conduct ourselves after. Not all men are predators.
Thomas says
OK.
I’m aware that this has been submitted by a reader, and I don’t want to be critical… But…
From a limerent perspective, I know that if I sent an email to somebody from work about work from my personal email, I’d be…
… Testing the water. Especially if I was emailing somebody who had shown a memorably striking interest in me at our last meeting.
I just know how I am about what I communicate directly/indirectly with people, and also I know that where limerence is involved ‘Oops, I sent you my contact details completely by accident’ type scenarios is… Well… Pretty characteristic.
Also, the letter writer is envisaging growing limerence in another person after a pretty short space of time, and minor contact. Whether we suggest it’s predatory or not, it certainly doesn’t seem to have been in existence long enough to have established a pattern of behaviour, and I think we all know how cyclic and grinding and *longstanding* an LE can be.
I’m wondering who is glimmering for whom in this?
Marcia says
I agree that sending the email from her personal email account seemed a bit odd. Not quite sure why she did that but if she isn’t interested, I’d avoid continuing to use the personal email in the future with him.
“the letter writer is envisaging growing limerence in another person after a pretty short space of time”
I don’t know if I was full-on limerent in a short time, but I was definitely infatuated. Pretty much at first sight with my last LO. Can happen.
Thomas says
Yeah I know limerance in the mind of the limerent can initiate quickly. But how often does an LO pick up on it so quickly? Via email? Limerence at the beginning doesn’t look (i don’t think) so different from what happens generally during initial flirting. Not from a viewpoint outside of the limerent’s brain.
1) Emma has vivid memories of this guy making a fuss of her. She muses about why he might have been drawn to her, very specifically drawing favourable comparisons of herself over the other women in the place. That says something about a state of mind/attitude to the interaction.
2) she provides him with her personal email address. Sorry to be suspicious, but I’ve been there done that sort of thing in various guises in various situations. I find it difficult to see how a work email to a non regular colleague gets sent from a personal account. Though equally it’s not impossible.
3) he writes and suggests picking up where they left off. After what a couple of encounters at this conference? Note this is still glimmer territory, if that.
4) Emma opens up the situation to Dr. L and the LwL group. It’s a lot of attention to draw to a pretty nascent situation.
I just wonder if this guy/situation is glimmering for Emma a bit..?
I’ll also own this. These ideas say as much if not more about how my own mind works – because I’m basing a lot of these insinuations on what I easily imagine myself doing.
Marcia says
Thomas,
“She muses about why he might have been drawn to her, very specifically drawing favorable comparisons of herself over the other women in the place.”
I don’t see where she says anything about other women. Just that he thinks she is special.
“She provides him with her personal email address. ”
That I think is weird. And it’s not really clear what she sent him and why. If he was a non-regular colleague, why email him at all?
“I just wonder if this guy/situation is glimmering for Emma a bit..?”
So you think he is or isn’t limerent? I can’t really tell. He is definitely making a play for her. I think her Spidey sense should have gone off when he started to get more personal over dinner. I hate to say that men and women can’t go to a platonic dinner. There are definitely male colleagues I’ve had who I could have gone to dinner with and not been worried the invitation was anything but friendly.
I mean, yes, there seems to be some receptiveness/encouragement on her part of his attention, but sometimes getting attention is nice, no? 🙂 But now she says she wants to shut it down. And it’s still very early in the process. If he is limerent, she isn’t the potentially toxic LO to dangle the receptiveness for months on end.
Sammy says
“I just wonder if this guy/situation is glimmering for Emma a bit..?”
@Thomas.
I agree it’s perfectly possible Emma is feeling a bit of a glimmer in this situation. Maybe this guy would be quite the catch if he were less pushy. However, if Emma is feeling a bit of a glimmer, and for a guy who seems to like her too, that presents it’s own difficulties.
Emma could choose to indulge in any feelings she has in the form of limerent reverie, etc, get hooked, and end up having her heart broken down the line. This guy could be one of those fellows who just bolts out of the gate when it comes to romance, and then gets cold feet and pulls back sharply. The mixture of hope and uncertainty could result in Emma herself having a full-blown limerent episode on her hands, since she is prone to limerence…
The issue then would be the sincerity/insincerity of Mr Big Shot’s original show of interest. Does he really like Emma? Or is he just playing a little game to get a ego boost?
I guess this is what flirting is traditionally about – trying to gauge the other person’s level of interest. However, I think limerents really struggle to get an accurate reading on LO’s feelings. But I guess “normal people” also struggle to understand the motivations of potential partners. And plenty of people flirt for recreation.
My biggest concern in the same situation would be that Mr Big Shot is a PLAYER. But I guess I’d only care he was a player if I liked him to begin with.
Here’s an interesting hypothetical. Let’s say all insincere flirting in the world could be eliminated in one stroke. Would the world be a better place or a worst place? We might have fewer broken hearts. We also might have less excitement overall and fewer unlikely-but-ultimately compatible couples ending up together.
Romance seems to be very hit and miss, in my opinion. And it causes people so much pain. And yet, if one wants romance, one has to keep getting up on the horse, even after being thrown off multiple times. I salute the resilience of human beings in general. But I wish there was some logical formula we could follow too in order to get a good outcome. I wish romance wasn’t just emotions.
I wish romance was both “safe” and “exciting”. Not merely one of those two things. But can something be exciting without risk? And, as grown-ups, do we just have to assume risk when seeking out companionship? Can risk ever be taken out of the equation altogether?
Allie 1 says
“Can risk ever be taken out of the equation altogether?”
No. Human relationships of any kind will always involve, to a varying degree, rejection, invalidation, envy, feelings of inadequacy, etc… but they also bring joy, validation, warmth, connection. The human condition is just downright challenging at times isn’t it! The trick is to use your mind to actively grow your emotional resilience so the suffering, while very painful, is fleeting.
Allie 1 says
Just to point out to everyone that I don’t think Mr Big Shot and Emma actually work together, and he is not her boss, hence why no impropriety has occurred. She met him at a work conference – he was “unknown to her at the time” but she subsequently realised he was “a Big Shot in her industry”.
drlimerence says
Yes, that’s right, Allie. He is in the same profession but they’ve never worked together.
I’ve obviously been a bit vague about the details to anonymise Emma’s situation, but the initial contact and email exchange was more along the lines of trading insider gossip, rather than the start of a shared project. I suspect that is why she used her personal email (although the speculation about subconscious motives is not unreasonable).
carried away says
Well she’s probably kicking herself for using her personal email address, and I am making an assumption here like everybody else. If she is not interested in him she should shut him down with either one of those email responses, and chalk this up to how not to encourage Mr. Big Shots.
Sammy says
Hm. I seem to have slightly misunderstood the relationship between Emma and Mr Big Shot. So I’d like to analyse it again, so that I’m focusing on the real issues that need to be addressed, and not a bunch of irrelevant side issues.
Emma and Mr Big Shot don’t actually work together, but are part of the same industry. This suggest two things to me:
(1) Emma is not in immediate danger of sexual harassment, as she’s not in close physical proximity to Mr Big Shot everyday. Physical safety is not a primary concern.
(2) If Emma did want to date Mr Big Shot, there would be no conflict of interest, as I don’t think there are any legal or cultural sanctions against people who merely work in the same industry from dating.
So we can rule out sexual harassment and conflict of interest as potential problems in this case.
So what’s the real issue? It seems to me that the real issue is that Emma wants to disengage (tactfully) from an unwanted suitor – Mr Big Shot. Unfortunately, she may have unintentionally given this suitor some early signs of encouragement by (1) being her presumably delightful self at the conference and (2) giving out her personal email address, suggesting she’s way more available than she actually is.
If Mr Big Shot isn’t a regular suitor, but a limerent suitor, as Emma suspects, the situation becomes a lot more delicate, as it can be very hard to brush off interest from a limerent suitor, once they’ve become fixated, due to the obsessive nature of limerence, etc. Emma comes across as a good, decent, conscientious person and obviously wants to handle this situation with the maximum amount of tact.
Unfortunately, diplomatic approaches that might work very well in a situation not involving limerence might backfire or prove ineffective in a situation involving limerence. Limerents can be notoriously “hard of hearing” regarding rejection. Polite refusals can be misconstrued as hope. And yet Emma may not be a naturally blunt person. She might not know how to voice an unambiguous “no”.
Full disclosure: I have a special interest in Emma’s story. The reason I’m so interested in Emma’s story is it has many parallels to a limerent situation I found myself in many years ago. I was Mr Big Shot, minus the prestigious career. My LO was Emma, only in a male body.
I am hoping that by exploring Emma’s situation in a little more depth, I can gain insight into my own past too. I don’t mean to dominate the conversation, or dictate the truth, or be dogmatic or overbearing. Rather, I’m hoping to rustle up ideas and/or insights that could turn out to be universally applicable. 😛
My LO, who Emma reminds me of, was a straight man. However, he was a straight man with a very pronounced feminine side to his personality. In other words, he was an usually empathic human being, and this empathy was even more striking because (a) it was in a man and not a woman, and (b) because it was in so young a man.
My LO did become aware of my limerence for him, just as Emma is aware of Mr Big Shot’s possible excessive interest in her, and my LO tried to use a variety of tactful methods to resolve the situation, while keeping the friendship intact. Oddly enough, he did want an ongoing friendship with me. What he didn’t want was to be my LO. He didn’t want to be the object of irrational adoration, in other words…
In a truly free world, I’d argue that just as people have the right to refuse unwanted sexual activity, people have the right to refuse unwanted adoration. People have a right not to be put on pedestals. Idols have the right not to be worshipped. If a man or a woman doesn’t wish to embody my fantasies, should I as a limerent really be imposing my fantasies on him/her, especially if a genuine friendship exists between us? Am I not, to put it bluntly, being something of a “pain in the neck” to my unlucky LO? 😛
When I read Emma’s story, I was immediately reminded of the strained relationship said to exist between Alfred Hitchcock and Tippi Hedren. It seems that maybe Hitchcock cast all his leading ladies in a particular archetypal role (blonde ice princess) and maybe Tippi didn’t want to play along with this role, unlike many of the other actresses. Maybe Tippi was a serious actress, a woman with a great deal of personal integrity, and she just wanted to live her own life?
She didn’t want to be the plaything of someone else’s erotic imagination, in other words. Not even if that imagination belonged to a recognised genius. Hitchcock reportedly sabotaged Tippi’s career after she wouldn’t play along with what he wanted, and by all reports some very unsavory things happened when they were working together too. (Unsavoury things such as sexual harassment and worse).
I’m not suggesting that Emma’s situation is anywhere near as dire as Tippi’s. But limerence does raise all sort of ethical questions about the human right to dignity and the human right to freedom. If people have the right to adore and be adored, then surely people also have the right NOT to be adored by particular people who make them feel uneasy, as harsh as that might sound?
Usually, when it comes to limerence, I try to adopt a neutral stance. I try to see things from the perspective of both parties. But in Emma’s case, I would like to abandon all pretence at a neutral stance and champion Emma’s point of view. Or, at least, I want to champion what I PERCEIVE to be Emma’s point of view – which is the point of view of the non-limerent LO.
I want to champion Emma’s point of view (the non-limerent LO, who is the unwitting target of someone else’s adoration) because, when I was limerent for someone like Emma, I feel I wasn’t receptive to his perspective. In other words, I’m siding with Emma out of a desire to make up for my own past blindness. 🙂
It seems to me that Emma, just like my own LO, wants to find a tactful solution to a delicate problem. I’m a very straightforward person. My LO, being tactful, beat around the bush constantly, and that only worsened the situation, and intensified my limerent feelings for him. Limerence sometimes seems like the one situation where good manners and veiled honesty don’t work as well as one would hope…
If one wants to talk realpolitik, I think Emma should completely ignore and delete any emails Mr Big Shot sends to her personal email address. No contact starves limerence, right, and gives the limerent nothing to obsess over? Also, if Mr BIg Shot wishes to contact Emma on work-related matters, the professional thing for him to do is to contact her through her work email. Emma, if backed into a corner, could even say that her company has a policy that work-related matters have to go through work-related channels.
I think the really heartbreaking thing about limerence is that sometimes it can’t be shut down by normal polite methods. Sometimes, you have to play hardball, even if you’re not used to playing hardball. Sometimes, you really just have to get out of the limerent’s line of sight, so they can find something else to fixate on.
Emma, I wish you all the best. Tough dilemma, honey. Tough dilemma. Honestly, I’d just get out of this man’s way, even if it seems a bit rude. If he’s truly limerent for you, he might even thank you for ignoring him one day. Don’t play games. Don’t give out mixed signals. Ignoring this man and his personal emails might just be the best strategy. Play dumb, and don’t bother giving any explanation. Like I said before, all human beings have a right NOT to be adored, and don’t have to come up with any fancy explanations as to why they don’t want adoration from a particular person.
Sometimes, LOs prolong the painful fascination they’ve inspired by trying to be “too nice”. Don’t focus on being nice. Focus on acting with integrity, and giving very consistent signals. Either you’re interested in this man romantically or you’re not. Figure out which it is, and stick to it. If you behave with integrity, this man will forgive you eventually if you hurt him. Or, at least, he’d have no real grounds for hating you or finding fault with you. Limerence then becomes HIS problem to deal with, and not yours.
On a side note, philosophical types may ask in response to my comments, “But do we really live in a free world?” I think the only honest answer to this question is yes and no. Limerents, as I see it, are both the victims and the beneficiaries of their hereditary. And LOs are both the victims and the beneficiaries of the adoration they receive from limerents.
I feel both limerents and LOs have to work together and communicate clearly to end the “toxic dance” that sometimes arises between them. But limerents aren’t amenable to reason while in the throes of limerence. The deep conversations often have to wait until a particular limerent episode has ended for good. 😛
Ellen Ternan says
Block him from personal email or have it redirect to trash. Any future correspondence is done via work email and is strictly professional.
LG says
Reading what has been said and about the situation generally, I think Emma would be best advised to follow Dr. L’s first option and diplomatically tell Big Shot to leave her alone, but in a way that does allow him to save face. If that doesn’t work, depending on his response, then a more direct approach would be in order.
There is nothing wrong with love and romance and it should be encouraged, but Emma has that already with someone else and regardless of Big Shot’s intentions, what matters is that she is uncomfortable it with it and should not feel as if she has to walk on eggshells due to his actions.
Hopefully, if Emma gives him the chance to save face, as Dr. L, mentions, he will recognize that nothing will occur and will respond as any adult should, accept it and move on.