I’ve previously described limerence as an altered mental state that changes your perception, and makes you behave in ways that you wouldn’t normally behave. That raises an uncomfortable question. Given all those changes in neurophysiology, are you a different person under the influence of limerence? Have you been fundamentally changed by the neurochemical storm?
I most often get asked this by partners of limerents who have been betrayed, and cannot fathom what has happened to their previously supportive (or at least, friendly) SO. Inexplicably, they became limerent for someone else and turned into Mr Nasty or Ms Selfish. I’m starting to think that this isn’t a coincidence – it is telling that partners seem more struck by the phenomenon than limerents themselves.
Now, I do hear from lots of limerents who express their confusion at their own behaviour – plenty of people say “I can’t believe I did this,” or “I don’t know what came over me,” – but far fewer claim “I am not the same person I used to be.”
So, is this a meaningful question? Can limerence change your identity at a fundamental level? As it happens, I think trying to answer that question provides a good insight into how to manage limerence and recover from it. So, we’d better get started!
Altered brains
Limerence is undoubtedly an abnormal mental state. The facts are indisputable – hyperarousal, euphoria, mood instability, and exhilaration are not “normal” conditions, and your perception and cognitive performance is altered by them.
But are these experiences a fundamental aspect of Who You Are? Are you a different person when overexcited? Does riding a rollercoaster or doing a parachute jump alter your sense of self? I think most people would say no. The abnormal sensation is powerful, for sure, but it is overlaid on your identity. It’s you that is having the experience, even if it is life-altering in the sense that it stays with you forever and changes your worldview.
However, we also know that we cannot be completely divorced from our brains.
A classic study in neurophysiology is the case of Phineas Gage, a railroad foreman who had a tamping rod shot clean through his head, but miraculously survived. Despite physical recovery, Gage suffered dramatic personality changes as a consequence of his injury. He became impulsive, uninhibited, coarse-mannered and reckless. He is literally the textbook example of how physical injury to the brain causes changes in personality and identity, but has since been joined in the literature by numerous stroke patients and accident victims whose brain injuries altered their personalities in profound ways.
Limerence, though, is not an irreversible injury. It is a transient state. It passes, and we emerge altered by the experience, but not fundamentally transformed as a person. At a deeper level we have a core identity that suffers the slings and arrows (and candyfloss and kisses) of life without being permanently changed. Superficial elements of our personality change, but our sense of self continues.
Even Phineas Gage was reported to have recovered most of his social skills and impulse control before his death.
Who are you?
It’s a question that has occupied philosophers and psychologists for centuries. Freud talked about ego, superego and id. Jung about integrating the shadow. At its base, the reality of identity is that we have many drives and urges and thoughts that compose us, and those different aspects of our identity are ascendant in different moments.
We also change with experience. We are not the same person at 80 as we were at 60 or 40 or 20. Life moulds us, and alters our opinions, beliefs and psychology. Sometimes it hardens us, sometimes it mellows us, but we evolve as a consequence of the choices we make and the fortunes we suffer.
But through all this, there is a consistent core. The voice inside that is the quiet centre of our selves – the power that we know can resist temptation if we really try. The better angel of our natures? The voice of conscience? Perhaps the best version of ourselves that we aspire to be.
It is like trying to catch smoke, this sort of analysis. So, I’ll simplify by saying: you are the part of yourself that observes honestly and judges fairly. The executive officer. The good boss.
Behavioural change
OK, so a bit nebulous, but what does any of this have to do with limerence, and the horrible behaviour that some spouses and partners endure?
I suspect the real issue is cognitive dissonance. Married limerents know that their internal euphoria over another person is not OK. They know that they are lying to themselves and others when it comes to their motives and their conduct. They know that what they are doing is at odds with their self-image; their internal honest judge. The result of cognitive dissonance is distress, and that is why it so reliably triggers anger and irrational behaviour.
Even worse, limerence is a behavioural addiction, and addicts get irritable and defensive if they are disturbed while indulging in their shameful habit.
Ultimately, cognitive dissonance needs to be managed, and unfortunately, most of us don’t immediately resort to the “resist temptation and work on your moral development” solution to the problem. We justify, rationalise and try to pretend that we can keep two contradictory identities going at once.
What to do?
The way through this, and the way to answer the question posed at the start, is to get to know your core self better. Empower the best part of your personality and listen to your true voice.
Of course, it takes time to trust that internal advisor if you are not used to doing so. If insecurity, neglect or abuse have estranged you from the part of yourself that lets you know who you truly are, it will be slow and steady work to befriend it again – like building trust with an unloved animal that is skittish and suspicious of kindness. Professional help can be valuable.
But it is worth the work, because that part of yourself has your best interests in mind. That core of your identity can help lead you to a purposeful goal that will add meaning to your life. Once you orient yourself towards the best part of your character, cognitive dissonance is reduced, and you will find it much easier to see your way, resist temptation, and make good decisions.
Living purposefully keeps your core identity central to your sense of self. It is living in harmony with your true nature. All the sensation in the world can assail you, but if you know yourself deeply, limerence will break over you like waves over rocks, leaving you unharmed.
I would posit that one of the reasons why I became a different person during limerence is, I witnessed firsthand how a (previously, prior to learning about limerence) inexplicable euphoria for an LO could upend one’s false sense of total self-control in life, especially for ambitious, intellectual and seemingly-disciplined folks.
It made me realize that the so-called darker aspects of myself—which I tended to deny, or project onto others as failings in their character—are here to stay, and rather than dismiss them as shameful one-offs, I try daily to find out how to harness and integrate them instead.
Apart from (in my case) accepting that my euphoria for LO comes from (to be fair) admirable traits in her that my SO simply doesn’t possess (which I just have to live with as no one can ever be a “total package”)—I’ve changed by accepting my increased self-focus is actually a net positive. If previously I used to please people (including LO) at the expense of my time and peace of mind, now I can say “No” to them and not feel a tinge of guilt.
“It made me realize that the so-called darker aspects of myself—which I tended to deny, or project onto others as failings in their character—are here to stay, and rather than dismiss them as shameful one-offs, I try daily to find out how to harness and integrate them instead.”
@Handsome Hog. What you say here is right on the money. Limerence helped me realise I have “primal urges”, for want of a better term, primal urges such as aggression or sexuality, and I need to integrate those urges in a healthy way with my overall personality. Without effective integration, those impulses could overpower me e.g. I could have angry outbursts/act out sexually. Or I could project those traits onto loved ones and damage relationships in the process.
I think limerence brings out a repressed part of your personality. At least it did for me. Being a responsible adult can be very dull — getting up, going to work, getting up, going to work, paying your bills. Being around my LO felt the opposite — I felt out of control, like I wanted to grab him and throw him in the bathroom and go to town on him, even though he was married, even though we were at work, even though it would have been the height of tackiness. The problem is, I have yet to find anything in mid life that comes close to providing that feeling of freedom.
“I think limerence brings out a repressed part of your personality.”
That’s a very interesting insight, Marcia, and I dare say you’re right. Prior to my big life-changing LE, I was very strait-laced and conservative and religious and yes, people did give me grief about it, but I didn’t care. I was happy being strait-laced and boring. I didn’t really care about other people’s negative judgments.
Limerence brought out the clown in me, this weird bubbly person who’s obsessed with sex and loves eating in cafes. I’m not sure whether he’s really me or not!! Am I an introvert or an extrovert? Who is the real me? I honestly don’t know.
Sammy,
“I’m not sure whether he’s really me or not!! Am I an introvert or an extrovert? Who is the real me? I honestly don’t know.”
Probably a little bit of both. 🙂
Further thoughts on repression: I think limerence can put us in touch with our sexual imaginations. Imaginations which are always present, by the way, but probably not so close to the surface of consciousness.
For example, after LE started, I probably used more sexual language in everyday speech (something I’d never done before). I had a more intense reaction to sexual language when other people used it. (I found it funny rather than offensive). I became very aware of sexuality and maybe sexualised situations I normally wouldn’t have. (I spent a lot of time brooding about other people’s relationships).
Prior to limerence, I had a reputation among my peers of being moral, conventional, a little prudish maybe, modest, gentlemanly, etc, etc. People would apologise if they told a dirty joke in my presence. I guess I radiated purity. Then limerence happened. I became coarse-mannered like Gage in the article above and felt a real affinity with people who have the same earthy sensibility.
Limerence can make us conscious of our bodies? Is that a good way to put it? We start to think and feel and speak through the body.
Sammy,
“I think limerence can put us in touch with our sexual imaginations. Imaginations which are always present, by the way, but probably not so close to the surface of consciousness.”
I think it does, but unless you are going to get down and dirty with your LO, what difference does it make? It’s getting all riled up for someone you can’t have. Limerence is utterly futile. I did try to aim those feelings at someone else, but that was ultimately disappointing because, well, it wasn’t my LO. By the time I made that play for someone else, the move was soul crushing because it was me admitting to myself that nothing was going to happen with my LO.
“I think it does, but unless you are going to get down and dirty with your LO, what difference does it make? It’s getting all riled up for someone you can’t have. Limerence is utterly futile.”
@Marcia. I hear what you’re saying here. It makes no difference.
I was thinking more along the lines, though, that limerence can put us in touch with repressed aspects of ourselves i.e. our Jungian shadow or whatever, and that can lead to greater self-knowledge. However, I guess many people on this site probably already have adequate self-knowledge and really just want someone to date!
I’m a bit of a nerd, on the other hand. I can analyse myself and other people all day. The more useless self-knowledge I accumulate, the better! To me, collecting insights is a kind of end in itself. 😛
Sammy,
Getting insights is great but I would have preferred not to go through an LE to get them. Very painful life lessons.
@Marcia. Oh, I agree completely. I don’t think we can ever go back to being the same person after an LE – it robs us of our innocence somehow.
“Getting insights is great but I would have preferred not to go through an LE to get them. Very painful life lessons.”
Sammy,
“Oh, I agree completely. I don’t think we can ever go back to being the same person after an LE – it robs us of our innocence somehow.”
Yes, I agree. I don’t trust myself in terms of men. What a horrible choice I made. And, to be frank, I don’t trust your side, either. 🙂 I just assume men aren’t serious and just shooting the shi** with me, because that my LO did. I know that isn’t fair, but boy oh boy is my guard up.
“And, to be frank, I don’t trust your side, either. 🙂 I just assume men aren’t serious and just shooting the shi** with me, because that my LO did.”
@Marcia. Well, gay men are probably not trying to get into your pants. So you can breathe easy on that account, although we might have other issues. Trusting people after a bad experience is very difficult I agree. Nothing wrong with keeping your guard up if that’s what feels comfortable. Don’t rush into anything. Take time to heal. For what it’s worth, I enjoy our slightly silly banter on here. 😛
Sammy,
“Well, gay men are probably not trying to get into your pants. So you can breathe easy on that account, although we might have other issues.”
It’s not gay men I don’t trust. It’s straight men. I just don’t trust my own judgment around them. Even the last one, who I was not limerent for but definitely had a crush one. Oh, boy. It’s probably best for me to pick someone I have no feelings for … then I can see them clearly. 🙂
“It’s not gay men I don’t trust. It’s straight men. I just don’t trust my own judgment around them. Even the last one, who I was not limerent for but definitely had a crush one. Oh, boy. It’s probably best for me to pick someone I have no feelings for … then I can see them clearly. 🙂”
@Marcia. Ah! Gotcha meaning now. I was temporarily thrown by your use of the word “side”. Side? Which side? Whose side? The male side of the species perhaps? But I catch your drift now. 🙂
I couldn’t agree more, Marcia. My recent LE was complicated, but one aspect was definitely the escape from midlife drudgery, diapers and disillusionment. All my close friends had moved to distant parts of the world, I had slowly distanced myself from my SO, and I was lonely, bored, and dysthymic. Enter LO, who was young and had a genuine enthusiasm for life. I found that I could again be charming, funny, flirtatious. I was interesting. I wanted to do things that I’d either not done for a couple of decades, or had never done. I was quite serious in my twenties, and focused on my career. I think part of it was attempting to relive that period of my life, doing it right this time. (But oh boy did I get it wrong.) I’m afraid I don’t know what replaces it either. Purposeful living is one thing, but does that replace wanting to grab an LO and have them right there on the office bathroom floor?
To partly answer my own question: I should of course have been charming, funny and flirtatious with my SO. I think suggesting we go at it in the local supermarket bathroom later this afternoon won’t go down very well though. (It’s pretty much the only place open, and we do need groceries.)
Levin,
“Purposeful living is one thing, but does that replace wanting to grab an LO and have them right there on the office bathroom floor?”
It does not. I’m working on a side hustle that is different from my day job, but it’s not the same as limerence. Unlike you, I was not serious in my 20s and I extended my adolescence until my mid-30s. The only thing that has come close to replacing that feeling of energy, magic, hope and sense that anything could happen that I had in my youth is limerence. Because, frankly, after my mid-30s, I got boring and everybody around me got boring. Good, God, if I have to have one more conversation about home renovations or landscaping. People say, “You don’t want to grow up.” But I always think: Why would you want to? 🙂
” I think suggesting we go at it in the local supermarket bathroom later this afternoon won’t go down very well though. (It’s pretty much the only place open, and we do need groceries.)”
By all means, kill two birds with one stone. 🙂
Life is full of compromises… dammit!
Mrs Levin got a bit excitable while checking the firmness of the cucumbers, but that’s as far as it went. (I’m so sorry for lowering the tone of this blog, Dr L. I’ll get my coat.)
Levin,
“Mrs Levin got a bit excitable while checking the firmness of the cucumbers, but that’s as far as it went. (I’m so sorry for lowering the tone of this blog, Dr L. I’ll get my coat.)”
Don’t get your coat. We need to go lower! 🙂 In all seriousness, do you think the attraction to your LO was the belief that she’d do things Mrs. L wouldn’t?
The nested replies seem to have a depth limit, so this may appear in completely the wrong place…
Marcia,
“Don’t get your coat. We need to go lower! 🙂 In all seriousness, do you think the attraction to your LO was the belief that she’d do things Mrs. L wouldn’t?”
Ooh, good question! Yes, that was an attraction. LO was very open to talking about sex: what she liked, what I like. Nothing embarrassed her. She was in a constant state of horniness around me (more so than anyone else I’ve encountered). But I’d say she was also inexperienced. Her previous boyfriend had clearly worshipped her, and he was probably happy to be getting anything. Mrs L is talented, but she is also not very comfortable talking about sex, and it doesn’t come naturally to me either. But LO has changed me in that regard. I’ve already brought up something with Mrs L I would never have dreamed of before. I think we should take it further though.
Levin,
“Her previous boyfriend had clearly worshipped her, and he was probably happy to be getting anything. ”
As a woman, that is the kind of guy I avoid. He is so happy to be getting it, he can’t tell the difference between good and bad sex, and there is a BIG difference. If a man has the mindset that pretty much all sex is good sex, it doesn’t mean anything if he tells you he’s having a good time with you. No discernment.
” I’ve already brought up something with Mrs L I would never have dreamed of before. I think we should take it further though.”
That is good that you can talk to your wife and be open.
Allie
😂
Song of the Day (redux): “You Ain’t Seen Nothing Yet” – Bachman-Turner Overdrive (1974)
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=g9S93bE06H0
“I met a devil woman
She took my heart away…”
I saw BTO in concert with The Beach Boys in 1974.
I remember taking LO #2 home after a date. We parked at the ferry terminal. After I shut off the car, LO #2 looked at me and said, “Don’t say or do anything.” Then she kissed me like no woman had before or since. I was gone.
OT: In all my years, I’ve only encountered two women who really knew how to kiss, my HS girlfriend and LO #2. When it came to technique, they set the bar really high and no woman has ever come close to either of them.
Sharnhorst,
I experienced the same thing. I mean that in terms of sex, but a big part of it was liking the way they kissed me. Two men set the bar very high. Once in my 20s. Once in my 30s. Havent come close since.
Marcia,
I understand. I was looking for something and my LO put out that bad boy vibe. We met online through a social group and he’s very skilled at presenting. In real life, he’s an anxious man without a lot going on. Likely a sociologist. I realize now I was deep in limerence by the time we met because that first impression of intelligent, humorous bad boy would not go away no matter what he said or did. Yes, it definitely brought out mid-life desires to live it up while I still could. But I also felt that he was the one for me. I wonder now if I was ever really in love with anyone during my life since I believed that is what I felt for him. I was so certain. And it was only limerence.
Ha! *sociopath, not sociologist
Beth,
“I understand. I was looking for something and my LO put out that bad boy vibe. ”
Yes, that can be very seductive. I think my LE was the opposite. I am, of course, only understanding all of this with the distance of NC, but I think he was waiting for me to initiate and pull something out of him. The short moment of physicality we did share … well, I initiated and I got pretty aggressive with him. I had never been like that before. I didn’t think I had it in me. It’s like he pulled something out of me I had long repressed.
Ruminating on that must be bringing you a whole new meaning to the phrase “wet weekend”, Marcia.
Marcia,
Looking back, are you glad you took that step?
Initially, I was glad that I made the move of saying that I cared for him. Why not? I wasn’t, I realize now, in a place to offer anything substantial. I likely felt that way because he was uncertain. We want what we can’t have! I believe I would have given my all had he wanted to go forward. I’m not sure my all was…all that much. At that time.
Beth,
“Looking back, are you glad you took that step?”
It didn’t matter one way or the other. It certainly didn’t convince him to move forward with me and has no connection to my life now. He’s someone I will never see again, and nothing substantial ever happened with him. It’s a moment I look back at and have to remind myself that it actually happened. Feels like a million lifetimes ago.
“I realize now I was deep in limerence by the time we met because that first impression of intelligent, humorous bad boy would not go away no matter what he said or did.”
@Beth. Isn’t it weird you couldn’t shake that first impression? However, I think this happens a lot in limerence. We kind of get a picture of what LO is like and then can’t “mentally edit” the picture afterwards, even if it turns out to be inaccurate and based more on our own needs and desires.
Sammy,
I think you are correct. Sometimes when he would start a conversation, I’d think “why is this so boring? Get back to the thing that made me dig you.” I’d feel impatient. How dare he disappoint me? I cared about his welfare but more about he made me feel.
Limerence brought out my weakest parts and put them on display. Insecurity, anxiety, the fear of expressing my opinion. None of that is me. And none of that happened until my LO pulled away and there was uncertainty. That’s the part I hated the most. What was wrong with me that I cared so much that I worried about every word I said? I didn’t want to hurt his feelings. Felt he had been wounded enough by others. I cared too much for his opinion. And honestly, his opinion wasn’t worth having. He’s no one I would have associated with in the past. Intelligent, witty, shocking at times but also narcissistic, shallow and a liar.
I had been myself with him before that. Honest and confident. After, I questioned myself. I felt unsure. Once I fell into limerence, yes, I changed. All the usual symptoms. It’s going on more than two years. Has it exacerbated my tendency to ruminate about the past? Some days I feel the loss of this fantasy person is something I will not get past, so in that sense, I have changed. I was definitely a happier person overall before the LE. I felt a nostalgic sadness underneath at times but that is something all of us feel from time to time.
This is a topic dear to my heart, and I absolutely love the mask illustration!
I would have to say that my limerent self is my true self insofar as I’ve been limerent my entire adult life and all my teens. Euphoria and idealising people are second nature to me. However, my limerent self is also not my true self because who knows what/who would emerge if I kicked the limerent habit for good?
I notice that I always wear a carefully-created mask around my LOs (in an attempt to impress them). I’m on my best behaviour, in other words. Limerence produces heightened feelings of anxiety/fear of rejection in me Limerence makes me super self-conscious, hyper-vigilant. I guess I am a different person during limerence since I’m putting on a big show to wow someone. However, I’m always performing in this way because I’m always crushing on this one or that one. My overactive limbic system won’t give me any peace.
An interesting counterpoint to my limerence-inspired “phoniness” is the behaviour of my younger sister, a non-limerent. We were talking just the other day about her relationship with her boyfriend/partner. For her, being in a relationship with this guy “has always been a choice”. I.e. she wasn’t infatuated with him at any stage, although he was initially infatuated with her.
My sister says the reason she’s in a relationship with this guy is she “doesn’t feel like she has to wear a mask around him”. E.g. she can walk around the house in just her bra and panties, no make-up, and grumble about not wanting to go to work, etc. She can be her imperfect human self and still be accepted and loved.
It sometimes frustrates me that my sister doesn’t idolise people, as I do. But, then again, on the other hand, she’s the one in a successful relationship of more than ten years. Obviously, I could learn a lot from her example.
Other than feeling a bit more social and excitable in early LE, I feel and behave like exactly the same person when limerent or not. In fact, I want nothing more than to be able to behave exactly like my real self around my LO but struggle to do so due to my LE shyness, and the emotional masking effect of hiding my real feelings all the time.
My LE has bought about one beneficial behavioural change though: I feel extra motivated to perform well at work… and have even been given feedback recognising this by my boss LO 🙂
Having a midlife LE has also connected me back to my younger self which inspires me to want to live fully, and to experience much more beyond family life. My kids are becoming more independent now so this is another positive change I think.
“Other than feeling a bit more social and excitable in early LE, I feel and behave like exactly the same person when limerent or not.”
That is interesting, Allie. Perhaps you are fortunate to have a personality that is better-integrated than most? I.e. your core sense of identity is basically stable as opposed to highly conflicted?
If the comments are anything to go by, I’m thinking limerence can go one of two ways. It can make fairly-subdued people become more “out there” and crazy and reckless or it can make poised, self-confident people more shy and anxious.
Maybe what we should be looking for is “some change in usual personality” rather than a change in a specific direction?
Limerence did lead to a big personality change in me and it wasn’t always pretty. I became bubbly (almost manic). But I also felt freer to express a side of me that’s angry and argumentative. As you can imagine, that wasn’t great for my relationships. Old friends found me intimidating. I went from one extreme (easygoing) to another (combative?). Happily, I’ve settled down now.
I think you make a really good point Allie. I behave like a different person around my LOs. I curate my presentation etc. But also I aspire to become something more like what my LO desires. So there’s a bit of self critiquing.
Now I can imagine potential benefits in some situations. Like if my LOs fell into successful (whatever that means to each of us) categories then that aspiration could have real positive impacts on our choices and broaden our horizons. I had one LO roughly my age who was a DJ at club nights playing genres of music I loved. So going there to see him also had social benefits and I listened to lots of new music which I enjoyed. On the other hand I had another LO who was younger and I had a very strong attraction to which led to me trying and failing to get into their favourite TV shows, music etc. Which left me feeling deflated and old (!)… and also slightly ridiculous because by my reckoning other than TV and pop music and a pretty face there wasn’t much to gain from trying to change into his ‘desirable partner’s type.
But in each of these cases and others I think the core ‘me’ was still in there. Well, no. It was. I didn’t lose a sense of self – but my sense of self worth was certainly an issue. My LE wanted me to change, however irrational the imaginary outcome might have been. Though with an LO who is coincidentally attuned to genuinely positive character traits/goals you could find those limerent aspirations genuinely pay off. As with your career performance Allie, which might be the perfect example of that.
You aren’t who you are because of the relationships you have.
You have the the relationships you have because of who you are.
Once I realized that about LO #2, a lot of things started to make sense. Most notably, why nothing I said or did effected a lasting change. I was responding to effects vice causes.
And, it applies as much to us as it does to them. It’s no surprise few limerent claim they’re not the same person they used to be. My bet is the few that do come to understand themselves better and respond accordingly.
Scharnhorst,
I believe relationships affect your life and your view of yourself. And I think we change in small ways every day based on our interactions with others.
Limerence changes our brain chemistry and it affected my outlook and perception of everything. Of course it changed me!
Until I fell in with LO, I would never have allowed someone to treat me the way he did. Not terribly but with a lack of respect. And I did not want him to go away! It was unfathomable.
Anxiety, insecurity are a small part of my everyday life, but they took over when I felt unconnected to him.
Do I have a better sense of myself? I think so. I hope so.
“I think we change in small ways every day based on our interactions with others”
Yup I agree with that Beth.
I also find my “sense of identity” is full of contradictions, and varies depending on how I feel and who I am with at that moment in time. Different people bring different sides my character out to play. The only consistent aspect of my mind is my pure awareness, which always feels benevolent and peaceful, no matter what storms erupt elsewhere in my mind. Maybe that is the “consistent core” DrL talks about above.
@Allie. I like the idea of having a “kind and serene centre” to always come back to. But I agree with you – different people/relationships can definitely draw out different sides of us! 😛
Allie,
It’s that awareness that threw me off when I was in contact with LO. Knowing something is off but not what was maddening.
The part of my brain still functioning logically was throwing out life preservers. I didn’t know about limerence. Didn’t understand that it was addiction to the idea of this person. I’ve recounted this in previous posts but I:
* wrote him a letter a few months in, asking him to tell me he would never love me (seeking rejection so that I could break away fully). He didn’t/wouldn’t. My therapist at the time threw up her hands. She didn’t understand my attachment and could not explain it.
* moved across the country to a new job to refocus on life because I knew somehow it was wrong and needed to recalibrate. Living a purposeful life, as it were.
* dated like a fiend, tried counseling, antidepressants.
I’ve gone almost full NC. I break down and check his FB status, but I’m getting better about refocusing my thoughts. Remembering the true him and not the idea in my head.
“You aren’t who you are because of the relationships you have. You have the the relationships you have because of who you are.”
Gosh, that sounds profound. I’m going to have to think about that one. I seem to be repeating the same “relationship” over and over and over, limerence-wise.
I have never felt like I was irrational even at the height of a limerent episode; I often felt stupid and uninformed, like I might be trespassing, and ultimately, it seems like I have simply had an incredibly long run of rotten luck, but it has never seemed to me that I was being irrational. My whole entire life has been dictated by limerence, it is who I am. My first LE (that I remember) was in nursery school when I was four. I am now 55 going onto 56, and my last LE began less than two years ago, so I have been at this for a while. It has become clear to me now that every decision I have ever made in the span of my life has been, either directly or indirectly, for the purpose of “getting the girl”, as I always put it to myself in my inner dialogue — every decision, deliberate preparation for the “next one”. (Purposeful Living?) This is all likely an effect of my unofficially diagnosed HFA.
The problem I think most everybody has is that LOs come along whether you are “prepared” for one or not. More often than not, an LO drops from the sky like a white-hot meteor landing in your lap, and at the most unpredictable and unlikely times and places. With the exception of LEs that ended due to circumstance (i.e. the semester ends, the project is complete, she moves away, I move away), every one of my LEs have ended in total, ignominious rejection. It seems like I’m using more informed judgment each time I meet a new LO, but the end result is always exactly the same.
An interesting side related to altered consciousness: Several years ago I read a fascinating book by neuroscientist Antonio Damasio, titled Descartes’ Error: Emotion, Reason, and the Human Brain where he lays out a very concise and plausible PHYSICAL explanation of what human consciousness likely consists of. In the first chapter, the reader is presented with a vivid historical account of the case of Phineas P. Gage, down to every last disturbing detail.
James A.,
“With the exception of LEs that ended due to circumstance (i.e. the semester ends, the project is complete, she moves away, I move away), every one of my LEs have ended in total, ignominious rejection
I sorry that has happened to you, but I have learned that just because I am limerent for someone doesn’t mean they are the right person for me. Years ago, I was limerent for someone and I asked a friend, “How do I know if he’s the right person me?” and he said, “He’s married. He’s not the person for you.” Sometimes the signs are in front of us and we chose not to listen.
@James. Like you, I’m a lifelong limerent. So limerence does seem pretty “normal” to me. I’m used to it, in other words. If limerence is “irrational”, then I guess I’m irrational most of the time, which isn’t a comforting thought!
It’s interesting to hear about your life. Can I ask a question out of curiosity? If so much of your energy is devoted to “getting the girl”, then how successful have you been at getting girls? Have you had a few girlfriends in your time or just endless crushes that go nowhere fast?
LO/LEs can definitely feel like they “drop into our laps”. But usually that’s before we know what limerence is and how the whole messy drama unfolds.
“Every one of my LEs have ended in total, ignominious rejection. It seems like I’m using more informed judgment each time I meet a new LO, but the end result is always exactly the same.”
Do you ever feel frustrated by your life? Do you feel frustrated that maybe these girls are playing by a different rulebook to you? Are you curious about how other people (non-limerents and your LOs) organise their friendships and love lives? I guess, what I’m really asking is, have you questioned your approach to romantic love, since you apparently haven’t “gotten the girl” despite your best efforts?
I’m not being rude. I am genuinely interested in your thoughts. For example, the tone of your comments is very calm and philosophical. You don’t seem to be experiencing anger or despair as a result of unrequited limerence?
Thank you for the reply, Sammy. I will try to answer these questions here, but one at a time.
“If so much of your energy is devoted to ‘getting the girl’, then how successful have you been at getting girls? Have you had a few girlfriends in your time or just endless crushes that go nowhere fast?”
The total truth is “endless crushes” – with one very significant exception: I am currently living with a girl who I worked with at a job, which my last LO was put in charge of, before she had me executed by firing squad, by management. I reached out to her to see if she had any insights into what happened, but she had left too soon to really get a full sense of this LO boss’ personality. It turned out that she was also in need of a friend at the time that I reached out. However, she is not a “full time, FWBs girlfriend: she is waiting for her ex to get out of prison. (No worries, I’ve talked to him, he is OK with me)
“LO/LEs can definitely feel like they ‘drop into our laps’. But usually that’s before we know what limerence is and how the whole messy drama unfolds.”
Yes! Before my last rejecting LE, I had never heard of limerence; I had never heard of ghosting either. I am hopeful that this new-found knowledge will help protect me in the future – but I won’t really know until I am confronted with another billion-alarm fire to manage again.
“Do you ever feel frustrated by your life?”
Yes. Not only frustrated, but I feel that life has passed me by, because I squandered all of my energies on this one narrow goal.
“Do you feel frustrated that maybe these girls are playing by a different rulebook to you?”
I still don’t have enough information to answer this question. Every LO cut me off before I could ever pin them down on what they actually thought of me. I have strong evidence that most, if not all, of my LOs were high functioning autistics like myself. A couple of relatives have told me, in so many words, that these women were very likely attracted to my appearance, but then I opened my mouth and started talking, and then they saw that I am a bit odd. My female roommate, whom I mentioned above, has made it crystal clear that I can be very annoying. I always considered myself to be a cleaver and sophisticated wit that no one understood, when in reality I have been just an ass – not even an assHole – just an ass.
“Are you curious about how other people (non-limerents and your LOs) organise their friendships and love lives?”
Of course. Having a live-in female companion has been very informative, not only because of what she says, but how her insights sound so familiar. Many times in the past, I felt that other people were being mean and judging me way too harshly, when in reality I realize they were simply calling it as they saw it. Had an LO given me such a frank assessment, I would have straightened up a long time ago. But when you get rejected, it is ”O . . . V . . . E . . . R”, and there is never any feedback! Not even other bystanders familiar with the situation are willing to divulge anything!
“Have you questioned your approach to romantic love, since you apparently haven’t “gotten the girl” despite your best efforts?
Obviously YES! Every day.
“You don’t seem to be experiencing anger or despair as a result of unrequited limerence?”
It is because I am very stubborn, I never lose hope. And I understand things better now, I just hope it is not too late.
@James. Very likely I am on the spectrum too, although my older sister is the only one who finds it annoying (and has told me so)! 😛
Nothing wrong with being autistic – I think we’re very logical, factual people who can eventually reason our way to the right answers, given sufficient time and correct information.
Apparently, two Aspies can be a great match, although I’m not sure you consider yourself an Aspie, or have a different form of autism? I’ve read Aspie couples are likely to be very respectful of each other’s space and special interests.
I’m gay, but a very pretty and extroverted neurotypical girl liked me in high school. I think she too was attracted by my appearance (and my poetry). Unfortunately, I didn’t have the social skills at that point to interact with her in a romantic way or to turn her down. She probably found my behaviour confusing, though she’s a happily married mother-of-three now. Her life is going fine. 😛
Thank you for your very thoughtful and thorough response. Good job, mate! I can sort of tell you’re autistic from the way you write (detailed and precise). 😛
You know, I forgot to mention the one time when I was the LO who was doubting everything. It was crazy surreal. I have to go to work right now, but I’d like to recount it later.
Have you taken the autism-spectrum quotient test? It’s easy to find online. I scored 36, while my recent LO scored 34. A score of 32 or more is considered as indicating clinically significant levels of autistic traits, but we are both very high functioning. This is something else that drew us together (we are scarily similar). She was once asked out by a work colleague. She briefly described the situation to me, and I said “you realise this is a date you’re going on?” She was completely oblivious. A few months later, during our first period of NC, he apparently made his intentions absolutely clear, and she literally ran away from him. Those with autistic traits can misread social situations, and that must make limerence so much harder to deal with. The mixed messages are bad enough, without a natural inability to interpret them.
“Have you taken the autism-spectrum quotient test?”
@Levin. I haven’t taken any online tests or received a formal diagnosis regarding autism. However, I’ve read Tony Attwood’s books on Asperger’s Syndrome and all I can say is the penny dropped – I have so many Aspie characteristics it’s not funny. 😛
I supposed I’m high-functioning, but it takes a huge amount of energy to keep up with others socially. I’m a very good actor. But I have to learn by rote to do things that other people do instinctively e.g. eye contact, small talk, respecting other people’s physical space, not getting overexcited about my special interests, etc, etc.
At school I excelled academically, but had very few friends. The friends I did have were extroverts and I just listened to them talk all the time, which seemed to suit everybody. But sometimes I felt a little dominated by such friends, like the sharing was uneven.
For many years I had “face blindness” (prosopagnosia). E.g. every time I saw a particular waiter at my local cafe, he looked like a different person to me and I was confused as to why he remembered me! He hadn’t changed his appearance – I couldn’t recall his face.
In my late 30s, something happened to my brain (I think different bits wired up by themselves) and I can now recognise and read faces. The change has been amazing. I can see all sorts of emotions in faces. Have always loved TV, and now love it even more.
I can also read “sexual desire” in a potential partner’s face for the first time and communicate the same back to him – it’s just astonishing!! I can distinguish between “hot looks” and “friendly looks” if that makes sense. I’m getting all these new skills quite late in life – proof of the human’s brain neuroplasticity. 😛
@Sammy: I don’t think I have Asperger’s at all, but I also don’t really recognize much of the description of autistics either. I took the test as part of a study. I knew I would have a reasonably high score, but was shocked at the result.
Like you, I excelled academically at school, and had very few friends. My best friend was an extrovert: extremely talkative and flamboyant! It was the common interests, and academic competition, that brought us together.
The social acting is absolutely true. My job involves public speaking, and I have become very good at it by observing other good public speakers, and amalgamating different aspects of their characteristics. In recent years this has become a problem, because I was getting asked to do more and more of it, and it is utterly exhausting. (People have described me as charismatic, charming, engaging, a “natural” – all the things one should be, but it’s all an act and not at all natural, and requires a Herculean effort.)
My recent LO is exactly the same, and we discussed it extensively. She had no friends as a young child, and was a complete loner. She only learned to make friends later by copying. She wears a mask all day at work, and it’s draining. It isn’t her. She typically has to spend a few hours alone at the end of each day to recover. So you wouldn’t recognize her as autistic either, unless you got to know her (which almost no one does).
The changes in your ability to recognize emotions and read faces is remarkable! Do you think there is anything you were doing, or something that happened in your life, to elicit this change?
@Levin. I wonder, from reading your comments, whether your personality is just highly, highly introverted rather than autistic per se, despite your online test results? Your ability to function in a role that requires public performing is impressive either way.
“The changes in your ability to recognize emotions and read faces is remarkable! Do you think there is anything you were doing, or something that happened in your life, to elicit this change?”
Great question. Apparently, Aspies display a social-emotional maturity that is about two-thirds of their chronological age. I’m 38 chronologically, which would put my mental age at about 25. 25 is apparently the age that the neurotypical male brain is fully grown. (It’s the age that human males are supposed to stop taking risks – time to become a daddy and a responsible human being, etc).
Asperger’s Syndrome is a developmental delay. We can be very advanced in some areas (academics) and significantly delayed in other areas (basic social skills).
It’s possible my brain has simply caught up with age. 😛
Other factors that may have influenced the changes in my brain:
(1) The gradual death of limerence over a long period of time, freeing up neural pathways/brain space for other purposes.
(2) Heavy socialisation with a particular peer group (gay men) over a period of 7-8 years. All that talking/mirroring/emotional empathy may have allowed me to pick up skills I missed learning when young. For some reason, neither of my parents are socially skilled and couldn’t transmit that knowledge to my sisters and me.
@ Sammy: As I mentioned, I don’t identify as autistic. But my score on the test is ridiculously high, which obviously indicates something (that the test is flawed?!). My LO, on the other hand, did identify with pretty much all the female autistic traits, and she scored similarly on the test. She also didn’t think I was autistic, but I’d say that I’m more introverted than her.
To pick up on something else you said: I’m well into my 40s, and don’t yet feel that I’m a responsible human being! Being limerent was damned irresponsible, and that was part of the attraction.
@James, I am also a life long limerent. I have gone back over every relationship I have had and can’t think of one that didn’t start with limerence. I have actually gauged my happiness, many times in my life, on whether or not there was an LE in progress or about to kick off. I balked when I got married, because I knew that would be the death knell for my varied LE’s (I just thought they were love affairs at the time). I thought all of this was over for me simply due to again, then I found a whole world of young men out there who are attracted to older women, and the LEs are continuing in force. They make me feel alive. I end them as often as vice versa. My only question now is whether I really want to change it, or just accept it. I am no longer married, so I am free to do as I wish, I suppose. But I lot of men who pursue me are married, so that’s a problem.
*Aging, not *again.
Sorry you have experienced that James.
I don’t believe LEs drop into our laps. At some point, or even at multiple points, we make the choice to enter into them. The alternative choice is to avoid them, use DrLs reprogramming methods, and do not let the LE take root.
Echoing Marcia, being limerent for someone is not a predictor that they can make you happy. It is possible to love a non-LO that you know really likes you and can actually make you happy.
Sorry, probably teaching my granny to sucks eggs here seeing as we are on this site.
Wishing you well.
Allie,
“Echoing Marcia, being limerent for someone is not a predictor that they can make you happy. ”
Actually, that isn’t what I meant. I meant that if there are all kinds of barriers and obstacles (for James they were the person rejecting him; for me it was the person being married), they aren’t the right person for you. It isn’t going to happen. It’s the equivalent of the universe dropping a piano on one’s head. Of course, it’s not the information I wanted to receive, but the answer was right in front of me. I just chose not to listen. Getting together shouldn’t be that complicated.
“the universe dropping a piano on one’s head”, “Getting together shouldn’t be that complicated.”
Ya think? LOL
And Amen!
James A.,
I just wasted so much time waiting around for people who were never going to be able to show up in any substantial way, which says far more about me than it does about them.
@Marcia. You seem like a pretty smart lady, if you’ll forgive me for saying so. Do you have any ideas at all as to why you’ve sometimes been tempted to “carry a torch” for a guy, as the old expression goes? Do you think it’s just your limerence-prone genes tripping you up? Do you know of any other limerents in your family tree, for example?
Hi Sammy,
No limerents in th family tree. I come from a line of risk averse, practical types with whom I have little in common.
@Marcia. Wow! Being the only person like you in your family must be quite a challenge in itself. Especially if your nearest and dearest aren’t really into discussing emotions, etc. I know I would feel very alone in such a situation.
“No limerents in the family tree. I come from a line of risk averse, practical types with whom I have little in common.”
Sammy,
“Especially if your nearest and dearest aren’t really into discussing emotions, etc. I know I would feel very alone in such a situation.”
They aren’t my nearest and dearest, and we do not discuss anything beyond the most surface of topics. I’ve tried. They don’t want to “go there.” I keep a cursory level of communication with them but expect nothing. I have never understood the idea that family is sacrosanct. It seems to me it should the people you like and enjoy the most, whether you are related or not.
“I have never understood the idea that family is sacrosanct. It seems to me it should the people you like and enjoy the most, whether you are related or not.”
@Marcia. Well, as a gay man, I certainly understand the value of a “family of choice” as well as a biological family. I am lucky, though, in that I have two sisters who are supportive and affectionate. I can’t talk to my dad about anything sensitive, but he’s still okay to be around. The bond is a comfortable one. I avoid talking to my mother – she has a lot of anger in her soul and wants to control the people in her life, probably out of a deep sense of insecurity.
Sammy,
You are lucky to have supportive family in your sisters. I can’t say as though I have any. If I want to know where to buy toilet paper or what movie to watch or if I want to come over with a vegetable platter on Christmas, they are on it. But that’s about as much as they can do. It is what it is.
I’m also not at all close to my FOO. I see them maybe once or twice a year, usually at the holidays. We sit around trying to think of something to say to each other. My SO sometimes tries to generate conversation, but at other times she just sits there, in quiet exasperation, wondering why we bother.
Levin,
That’s exactly how it is with my family. I used to spend more time with them and contact them more, but I was getting so little out of it that I pulled way back. If they noticed, they never said anything. I will respond if they contact me, but, to be honest, if they stopped contacting me, I’d be ok with it. The interactions with them are very impersonal, and with one, I stopped talking altogether about myself because there was no point — she demonstrated no interest. So now we just talk about pop culture. It is very weird. To me, at least.
“The interactions with them are very impersonal, and with one, I stopped talking altogether about myself because there was no point — she demonstrated no interest.”
@Marcia. Oh my gosh! I had no idea you know my mother! 😛
Sammy,
It’s very hard to have interest in people who demonstrate no or minimal interest in me.
Marcia! So true about the barriers being pretty clear indications that it is not the right dynamic.
During LEs though I’ve always had ‘magical thinking’. Rather than ‘this can’t work’ thinking ‘won’t this be amazing when it does work?’
Then on the couple of occasions where LOs engage I drop like a stone into ‘this is never going to work’. Then it completely spins out of control, I end it (in a panic) only to regret that and quickly fall back into an LE with my LO (and now ex boyfriend) and end up irrationally devastated that having been through the mill with me once they’ve decided that it’s (quite understandably) a no-go. It obviously only happens when LO reciprocates.
In terms of practical outcomes it is no different to game playing on my part. I have only my internal monologue to reassure me I did feel those things… until it was offered at which point the LE fizzled very rapidly.
I’m learning (finally?) That my limerence is often deeply hurtful to those people who believed (as I firmly did) that I was really into them only for me to freak out once they took the emotional risk and offered me genuine intimacy.
That is why I constantly have to remind myself in my current LE that LO is not the villain here. Whatever my private issues, from his perspective my behaviour would have led to anybody sane cutting me off, as he has.
…and the irrational limerent, knowing this STILL would love to try getting back with him… but I know it will never end well. He’s not anywhere near ‘right’ for me. We both know it – I just wish I was sane enough to accept it.
But NC (from his side) is good for him, and despite my irrational grief, good for me too. But I bet he’s not missing me to the insane degree I am missing him right now.
*disclaimer* at times my LO’s behaviour wasn’t great either, I’m not the only villain in the tale!
@Thomas. I like what you say here. I tend to chase unavailable partners and run away from anyone who actually expresses a real interest in me. It’s almost like I don’t want to be in a relationship! 😛
“I’m learning (finally?) That my limerence is often deeply hurtful to those people who believed (as I firmly did) that I was really into them only for me to freak out once they took the emotional risk and offered me genuine intimacy.”
Also, if we’re twisting ourselves into all sorts of shapes to get our LOs to love us, that doesn’t bode well for a relationship even if a relationship is offered. We’re trying to “earn love” I guess?
Thomas,
If I am reading your message correctly, it sounds like you are putting up the barriers. I was referring to barriers put up by circumstance or the LO him/herself– maybe the LO is married and/or partnered up and is monogamous or is playing hot and cold and, after 1 year of heavy flirting, still hasn’t asked you out. If you have to jump through hoops or are still guessing months into it, it isn’t supposed to happen. Now, if you are both available and one of your breaks off a budding relationship, that is something altogether different. Maybe one of you lost interest.
I’d like to go back to the original question: “Are you a different person during limerence?”
I think I was a different person around LO, even when LE was still in its positive phase. I was on my best behaviour. I took pains to be moral and really apply myself to my studies. I wanted LO to admire me as much as I admired him.
Basically, I built up LO to be an amazing person in my mind and I wanted to be worthy of that amazing person. Hypocrisy was out of the question. I knew I wasn’t an amazing person, and so I embarked on a lot of self-improvement.
I think this sort of ties in with what Allie says about her work performance improving due to limerence? Limerence can inspire people to be their best selves, and push themselves that little bit harder in their professional achievements. There can be positive changes to people’s conduct as well as negative ones.
“Are you a different person during limerence?”
In Tennov’s book, there’s quite a funny story about a woman changing her wardrobe choices while being limerent for a certain man. At some point during the LE, she started wearing long-sleeved white blouses of a fairly romantic nature when she was with him. For some reason, this flowery style of dressing was what she thought her LO might like, although it wasn’t her normal style.
I think it’s a shame Tennov never tells us what this woman’s LO thought of the romantic wardrobe. E.g. did he think she had great taste in clothes? Did he think she’d raided her grandmother’s closet for no apparent reason? Did he think she was the coolest chick on earth – apart from her pseudo-Edwardian get-up?
I once worked in a library where one of the female workers (a married woman) probably became limerent for a single male co-worker (who wasn’t interested in her, but flirted with all the attractive women under 40 as part of his macho self-image). Female worker started turning up to work in very unusual attire. Not lingerie exactly. But the same beautiful, luxurious, silky fabrics and rich, sensuous colours. She was clearly trying to catch the eye of a certain someone.
Don’t get me wrong. Female worker looked amazing and the clothes were absolutely gorgeous. But the overall look was too fancy for our workplace. Her outfit would have been fine if she was going to a chic party afterward, but it wasn’t something you’d want to wear every day. I wonder if limerence inspired her to pay more attention to fashion/grooming and go a bit overboard? There was nothing inappropriate about the dress, but it was very sexy in a subtle way.
I kept writing a diary during all my limerence stages with single LO (which lasted about 10 years from the moment I met him to our last meeting) and I can say, from personal experience, that I always acted like a teenager. At every stage, at any point, it was like being this drugged, reckless, teen, not caring about consequences or aftermath, who just wanted to have its line of cocaine or hit of heroin.
Normally, I would say that I am grown, responsible individual but, man, he gets the worst out of me…
You wrote down: ‘We also change with experience. We are not the same person at 80 as we were at 60 or 40 or 20. Life moulds us, and alters our opinions, beliefs and psychology’ – but being around my LO felt like being 18 again, the same mindset. That’s just nuts.
Gillian L,
“but being around my LO felt like being 18 again, the same mindset. That’s just nuts.”
My problem is that I love feeling 18. I love when someone manifests that part of my personality. Lets me know I’m still breathing. 🙂
Right! The ridiculous giddiness. I don’t actually miss being 18 though. The horror of it all
Yes, Marcia ‘lets me know I’m still breathing’ feeling is kicking us out of shoes and you want more and more. The same feeling that kicked you up is drowning you down once LO is gone.
Meeting him at such a young age and then realising how much sh*t I went through until I was 27 is just scary. Sometimes I think he modelled my brain on expectations of the relationships and got me thinking that if love doesn’t hurt then it’s not the real one, if you don’t fight, chase and burn. It’s like you have to fight your guts to keep him and still, he gets away.
Idk if they hire writers here, I could voluntarily write on all the drama with LO haha
“Being around my LO felt like being 18 again, the same mindset.”
That’s an interesting insight, and a really good way to put it. Can limerence cause a reversion to traits and behaviours normally associated with adolescence? Living just for the moment, etc?
I believe it can (or at least it can in my case).
I would always feel like a girl he met when we both were teens, even when we were past 25 and we both were in stable, committed relationships.
Yes, and for me, I won’t lie, it was the transgressiveness of it. He was married. So there was a bit of a thrill and wanting to do something I wasn’t supposed to. That feeling is hard to find in middle age.
Does Limerence alter your identity?
Interesting read, Dr. L. I think trying to reduce cognitive dissonance and trying to have two personalities is spot on.
If I look back I think that I tried to eliminate my cognitive dissonance to a point where I actually believed what I told myself, e.g. I actually believed that LO would be better for me and my kids than SO. If I reflect on what I thought back then it’s not that I knew deep down that it isn’t true, but that I really actually believed that it was true. And now I think how could I ever think that? But maybe that is the addiction talking, I think an addict would probably reflect the same after overcoming it.
So my take away of having experienced this, I feel like I must make sure I never let my brain be put in such a state again where the little voice in my head is completely muted.
Personally, I found myself more interested in becoming her. Seeing her rutine, I thought to myself, I must push myself to be as productive as her. I wanted to be as feminine, too, I started buying clothes she would possibly wear.
I used to wear her confidence like a second-skin, I wasn’t myself, I was pretending to be her all the time. I was sad because I felt, anyone who likes me, only likes her in me. I pretended to be as confident and as smart as her, I acted like I had her personality treats.
At one point, I even got the job she left behind. I thought I can finally rose up to her, and show her how I’m an equal.
I wanted to be enough for her, and by that, I wanted to be her.
I think most people saw the resembelance and thought of it as someone who looks up to their idol, or something. I think she was flattered, too, if she noticed.
But at one point, when she left me, I was confused. I didn’t know who I was or what I liked and what only was play-pretend to seem more appealing to her.
I eventually started dressing like my own self, and I’m thinking about changing my hair, too.
(After she left me, I couldn’t enjoy any of my hobbies anymore, so I’m not sure what I like, but I did “wear” her personality traits off.)
I find this very interesting and extremely relatable. Before I came across the term limerence and even have the understanding I now have. I very much felt like I was someone different I would try and explain to my friend “it’s literally like there are 2 versions of me”, even to this day I still very much believe that.
Especially with my current LO (I am approx. 3 weeks into no contact). I recognised that how I would say the “logical, normal, balanced, centred,” version of me was not there at times. It was like it comes and go and that is a very strange experience.
I’ve experienced Limerence for a large portion of my life with multiple LOs starting back in my teenage years. Even with the self awareness I have now, I still feel like I am a different person when I am in that really strong intensified state. I can literally feel that I am not in reality, I recognise my thoughts, behaviours, actions, beliefs etc are very much not who I am or how I usually behave, and its very much this state of cognitive dissonance.
I’m just thankful that after nearly 15 years I’ve finally come across limerence and I now have such a greater understanding of the entire situation and what has been an extremely confusing time in my life and its extremely comforting to know that others have had similar experiences.
I think it’s important to for the spouses who might be reading this article to be offered a different perspective. I beg to differ about “it stays with you for life/forever”, in the sense that the memory fades with time and the experience loses meaning.. The time comes when the LO seems like a stranger even if the former limerent sees LO in person. You know it happened, like childbirth, for instance, but you can’t recall the sensations. There is a built-in level of amnesia, as for childbirth. You’ve moved on, new experiences layer on over top. You have gone off them. It is not relevant to who you have since become.