Well, another Christmas has rolled around, and I’m busy counting my blessings and reflecting on a rough year for everyone. With all the restrictions in place in the UK, it’s a less sociable Christmas than usual, but I’m fortunate to be with my family and able to appreciate what we have.
Here’s an engaging video about the Science of Love by John Gottman.
Some gems in this, and also some good affirmation of the value of committing to long-term love. I was struck by the fact that his equation for the trajectory of a couple’s conversation has two main terms for each person – one was their own “emotional inertia” and the other was the influence of their partner. Obvious, in some ways, but useful to see it spelt out that plainly.
Looking at his index of positive indicators for long term love, I’m feeling pretty physiologically calm right now – especially as my wife cooked a brilliant homemade Christmas pudding this year.
So, I’ll get back to the festivities and end by wishing everyone in the LwL community good fortune, Yuletide blessings, and a happy New Year. Thanks and best wishes, all!
Let’s hope 2021 proves to be better than 2020…
Neat theories…
What I would be interested in seeing is the implementation guide for therapists. What assessment tools would be developed and required. How many therapists have the machinery to assess their patients’ physiology at a session. How does the therapist assess inertia and influence.
Does the therapist see them each separately and call them in separately?
“Oh, your partner’s inertia borders on intractability and you couldn’t sell water to a dying man in a desert. You have no influence.”
“See this diagram that looks like a weather map? In the next session we’re going to move you to the Northeast.”
Toss in Dr. Marion Solomon’s contention that when many couples enter therapy, they’re not seeking real change, they’re looking to become comfortable in their current pathology.
To me, the most useful thing was his categorization of relationships as:
Happy/Stable – My marriage has fit into this and Unhappy/Stable
Unhappy/Stable – LO #2’s Parents (from what I observed from the outside)
Unhappy/Unstable – My parents
Happy/Unstable – Since he didn’t talk about this, maybe it doesn’t exist.
Happy/Unstable – wouldn’t limerence fit into that category?
P.S.,
“Happy/Unstable – wouldn’t limerence fit into that category?”
I was going to write something similar. Happy/Unstable is fiery and passionate but usually full of uncertainty because one party is usually playing hot/cold or doing something screwy, and it’s usually the non-limerent because he/she isn’t as invested.
i’d argue limerence is often unhappy/unstable. given many people suffer unrequited forms of love.
I would argue that limerence is not a relationship at all really, but instead a stage some of us go through that sometimes leads to an attached relationship which the above definitions then apply to.
It’s kind of ironic. If a relationship is formed from an LE, it ends up in the same place as other relationships — a friendship with sex. At the time, the LE shakes you to the very soul … until it doesn’t. It’s all so transitory and illusory.
“It’s all so transitory and illusory”… never were truer words spoken Marica.
That is the cold hard reality that my mind does not want to face up to. I want to believe my feelings have some deep meaning, that LO is really special, that he gets me in a way no-one else does, that I am somehow better because of my LE and that I need LO in my life. But the reality I keep trying to tell myself is that it is just an addiction to my own chemistry, an illusion produced by my imagination and internal reward system.
Why is it though that even knowing this and believing it fully at least some of the time, all it takes is one kind word or moment of eye contact with LO, and this reality is instantly erased from my mind.
Allie
“Why is it though that even knowing this and believing it fully at least some of the time, all it takes is one kind word or moment of eye contact with LO, and this reality is instantly erased from my mind.”
I’m the same way. I’d just see the top of his head over the work cubicles, and go into paroxysms of joy. Ah … I miss that. I will never see him again. Sure, I’m a lot “healthier,” but also a heck of a lot more bored. 🙂
@Allie. That is a really good point. Limerence isn’t a relationship at all, but an intense period of (hopefully pleasurable?) fantasy that may precede a relationship, if one gets really lucky.
I agree with Marcia as well – it’s ironic that limerence shakes us to our very core, where a real relationship probably doesn’t, and limerence may lead to a relationship that doesn’t feel earth-shattering in the end.
To me, limerence always felt so real, though – almost more real than real life. And when that happens, I do start to think of myself as being in a committed relationship. (Oh no, I can’t possibly see other people, etc. What would LO think? I belong to LO!). The fantasy becomes so real one forgets one is in a fantasy – or at least that’s what it was like for me. I felt absurdly loyal to my nonchalant LO.
@Marcia. “I’m the same way. I’d just see the top of his head over the work cubicles, and go into paroxysms of joy.”
Don’t worry, my friend. I think we’ve all been there at some point. I think it’s not even interaction with LO that does it, but anticipation of a positive interaction with LO – the anticipation of pleasure.
Actually, I feel really disappointed when the longed-for moment of ecstatic union doesn’t play out in real life exactly as it did in my head. I.e. if LO does something unexpected. In that instant, I’m reminded I’m relating to a real person with free will, and not the caricature in my imagination! A healthy dose of reality no doubt.
DrL- can you, at some point, explain this more fully. I liked the video but my brain doesn’t seem to do graphs and mathematics very easily. Does it basically equate to a couples foundational optimism? If they have a jointly optimistic outlook on each other and their union they can be successful? And if they are generally pessimistic when viewing their union do they then become a self-fulfilling prophecy? Is he saying that that basic idea is the cornerstone?
Thank you Dr. L for providing a thought provoking platform for those of us who have short circuited in love. Happy New Year!
Happy New Year. Sounds as if you have a great 2021 ahead.
Thank you for this site.
Thanks, Beth. Happy New Year to you too.
Let’s hope 2021 is better for everyone than 2020!
Reading this blog and everyone’s comments has been so validating to me! Newly acknowledged limerant here. Had various LEs through my life. Have this past year found out I’m Poly, and am so much happier and more stable and independent (as opposed to codependent 😅) than ever before.
I have 3 wonderful supportive partners and we’re all well balanced. But the past two months have shaken me – I have a new LO.. wasnt looking for anyone else.. but I’ve fallen hard. He likes me too, very affectionate in person, but I’ve given him all the power and he’s so not affectionate with words. Next to no compliments, assumes I know he likes me.. I’m left reading into things and grasping at straws and wondering if I’m making it all up. It’s thrown out the balance with my other partners. I think LO felt limerant at first, at very least had a lot of NRE, but I told him I loved him, with no expectation of it back, he appreciated that lack of pressure so much, and I felt strong in my ability to love and appreciate without reciprocation. But now with stress of lockdown and feeling like a shadow of myself, combined with my uncertainty. I feel like the pigeon trying random frantic movements From the uncertainty post, anything to achieve the sweet buzz of a treat.
I know he cares For and likes me. I just doubt. I can’t ask for more compliments or emotional support as he feels it’s hollow when asked for and has some past trauma surrounding people using him as an emotional crutch until it crippled him.
My LE is spiralling and I dread that it’s going to allow me to make a good thing implode.. any advice or relevant articles.. please? 😅
@Glimmerrant. What you write here really touched me, even though I’m not poly. I think the problem with having an LO is that it really ruins us for other potential partners, doesn’t it? I.e. if one is single like me and inclined toward monogamy and cautiously in the market for a serious relationship, having an LO makes it so much harder to appreciate the other horses in the race, in a manner of speaking. It’s an unfair competition! You can’t take your eye off this one special horse, etc, even if he/she is limping home in last place. (Not interested in a relationship).
I can very well imagine this LE would upset whatever emotional equilibrium you’ve established with your current partners, as you’ve already said. Be very wary of reading into things/looking for clues – I think that’s ultimately what traps us as limerents into a painful state of rumination.
It’s really great you can still empathise with your LO, and realise it’s not always fun being used as an emotional crutch by others. (Not that your necessarily doing that to him. But I get the “super-nice guy starts to feel burdened” thing, having unfortunately been the one who was doing the burdening).
P.S. Have just noticed how clever your username is – glimmer plus limerent! Love it!