From time to time I do a quick YouTube search on limerence, stimulated by curiosity about how prevalent the concept is becoming in wider society. Today I discovered a BBC video that is an impressively concise and accurate account:
It hits most of the high points (or low points), and even sums up how to get rid of limerence. It’s gratifying that the three techniques they mention follow the headings in that post (skipping the psychological deprogramming one, admittedly).
Probably coincidence, but I’m going to allow myself a little moment vanity, and indulge the idea that this site might just be helping to shape the narrative š
Doctor L, your site is a force for change! š Millions of Limerents around the world are giving you a virtual hug š¤.
Thanks, Jaideux! A good hug is always appreciated.
I very much disagree with the second step the video recommends to take to get rid of limerence: Refocus your limerence on to a more suitable romantic candidate. I was just watching an episode of the old sitcom comedy “The Golden Girls.” Stan is trying get over his ex-wife Dorothy and the joke is that his therapist recommends he transfer his feelings to a therapeutic stuffed monkey. Nobody wants to be somebody’s therapeutic stuffed monkey.
I both agree and disagree with you here Marcia š
Doesn’t it depend a bit on how you mentally frame your limerence? If you realise your LO is not actually all that special, they are not “the one”, it is not “true love” and that it is just something in you that is being triggered and then mentally cultivated, why not find someone better to fall in love with and have a real relationship with? You could say all relationships are therapeutic stuffed monkeys to a degree. I think I spent 15 years of my youth moving from one “love” to another to another, the next always superceding the previous. Many were crushes, infatuations and LEs, but some were real relationships. My feelings in the real relationships were stronger, more real and more memorable than the crushes, infatuations and LEs, and were never overshadowed by past loves.
Allie,
“If you realise your LO is not actually all that special, they are not āthe oneā, it is not ātrue loveā and that it is just something in you that is being triggered and then mentally cultivated, why not find someone better to fall in love with and have a real relationship with?”
Sure, if you’ve done this kind of self-analysis and this kind of work on yourself (hate that expression, sorry). But how many people do that? I would classify myself as a lifelong limerent and I am not young or youngish. š It’s taken me all this time to even know what limerence is and to even begin to understand what triggers it for me. It may even be more difficult for someone who has never experienced limerence before and is having a first LE. All of this self-analysis/awareness takes time to a.) do and b.) really sink in, not just intellectually but emotionally.
Marcia,
I agree. I feel that I am now a ‘recovered limerent’ after years of hard work and I am very glad that should I decide to get in a relationship I am offering my partner all of me and no part of my heart belongs to a previous LO.
I feel that not only does this make me feel honest and true in my future relationship, but increases the chances of complete loyalty to them, in mind and heart.
I could not agree more with what you said. I’ve gone from LO to LO, and I really don’t think it was fair of me to be dating someone else the times that I did. I was cheating on them with some fantasy romance. š
I was reading on another site that you have to be very clear what you want. The woman who runs the site had two boyfriends who actually passed away from drug abuse. She finally said: I will not date someone with an alcohol or drug problem. I think for a limerent, it’s good to say: I will not date someone who is not moving things forward and keeping the uncertainty alive. If you (universal you) meet a guy and you’ve made your interest clear and he’s shown signs of interest and, say, more than a month has passed and he’s had ample opportunity to ask you out (or accept your proposal), it’s TTMO (time to move on). Don’t worry about why things aren’t moving forward. Just move on, otherwise you’ll be going down that rabbit hole of uncertainty/rumination/longing again. Someone who is serious and legitimate is not going to play the “dip and dodge” game.
“If you (universal you) meet a guy and youāve made your interest clear and heās shown signs of interest and, say, more than a month has passed and heās had ample opportunity to ask you out (or accept your proposal), itās TTMO (time to move on). Donāt worry about why things arenāt moving forward. Just move on, otherwise youāll be going down that rabbit hole of uncertainty/rumination/longing again. Someone who is serious and legitimate is not going to play the ādip and dodgeā game.”
@Marcia.
I agree with you whole-heartedly. However, I think your suggested approach also requires the limerent to be super-clear and focused. That is to say, the limerent has to be very clear in his/her own mind that he/she wants a relationship, and will commit to a relationship, if the desired relationship is indeed offered. š¤
I think that’s what I’m scared of – eventually meeting someone who DOES want to be in a real relationship with me. In some ways, unavailable LOs are easier to deal with than available potential partners because in some ways unavailable LOs don’t want anything. They’re just beautiful, mysterious fantasies. š
Sammy,
“In some ways, unavailable LOs are easier to deal with than available potential partners because in some ways unavailable LOs donāt want anything. ”
Exactly, but then what’s the point? š Idk. I always wanted a relationship with an LO, or so I thought. Anything less felt like I was being cheated. Especially if they showed some signs of reciprocation. It seemed like being bi**h-slapped by the Universe. Like the Universe was saying : I’m going to give you part of this, but not the part that counts. š
“Exactly, but then whatās the point? š”
@Marcia.
Thrill of the chase maybe? Thrill of being chased? š
I think some people want to love and some people want to be loved. Some people desire and some people want to be desired. I have always been someone who wants to be on the receiving end of love and desire. Maybe that’s selfish? Maybe I’m putting my emotional security first? It’s also very frustrating, as one can certainly not force another person to develop strong romantic feelings.
Actually, I can see how my attitude fosters limerence in myself. I.e. if I’m sitting around waiting for someone to show me affection, and they do give me a few crumbs, then of course I become increasingly dependent on attention from that person. Yet the attention never seems to be enough to sate the cravings, and the entire setup begins to feel unsatisfying for both parties, a kind of prison cell. š
One of the blessing of growing older, I think, is realising the physical package I come in is unlikely to inspire much of anything in anybody. I’m invisible! In an ideal world, my “fading beauty” would shock my lovesick brain out of romantic nonsense once and for all. “Nobody would feel that way about you, mate. Look in the mirror.”
Thomas Mann’s “Death in Venice”, though, is a famous novella about a very distinguished older man’s limerence for a beautiful youth. And the older man in the story makes a terrible fool of himself – oh yes he does. He’s ridiculous. He starts wearing make-up to conceal his age and stalks the poor youth’s family all through Italy while they’re on holiday. Truly, a cautionary tale!! š
Sammy.
“Thrill of the chase maybe? Thrill of being chased? š”
Well, you said you like unavailable people, so if you know they are unavailable, then you know the outcome of the dance you two are doing. Why chase or be chased if you know nothing or nothing much is going to happen? When I was younger, I didn’t mind the endless flirtation with someone, but that was always someone I had no real interest in. With an LO … that endless dance started to bug me. Make a move or go away. š
“I think some people want to love and some people want to be loved. Some people desire and some people want to be desired. I have always been someone who wants to be on the receiving end of love and desire. Maybe thatās selfish?”
Not necessarily. But can it be both? I definitely like being “inflamed” by someone. Like: what do I have to do to land this guy? How am I going to get him alone? What am I going to say? What am I going to wear? Not that I would mind a “professional” trying to seduce me; I just don’t think it’s ever happened. š
“One of the blessing of growing older, I think, is realising the physical package I come in is unlikely to inspire much of anything in anybody.”
I have to be frank with you … as someone who is a bit older than you. There is no blessing in getting older.
@Marcia.
“Well, you said you like unavailable people, so if you know they are unavailable, then you know the outcome of the dance you two are doing.”
Well, I don’t know they’re unavailable right off-the-bat. That’s simply the conclusion I reach after knowing them for a while…
Obviously, for an LO to become a fully-fledged LO, they have to by definition engage in some degree of attempted flirting and inappropriate enmeshment. They have to express some interest, however dubious. š
“With an LO ā¦ that endless dance started to bug me. Make a move or go away. š”
Yes, I understand your frustration with the prolonged “dance”. It does start to feel a bit pointless after a while…
“Not that I would mind a āprofessionalā trying to seduce me; I just donāt think itās ever happened. š”
Funny you should say that. I don’t think a member of the opposite sex has ever expressed an overt interest in me. If females have ever flirted with me, and I’m sure a few must have due to probability alone, their signals must have been so subtle that I missed them altogether. Unless, of course, the ladies were waiting for me to make the first move?
If I used my own life as evidence, I’d argue that human women have absolutely no interest in human men. Heterosexual attraction in females is a myth. Women don’t actually like men. š And no, I don’t believe I give off a “gay vibe”. Women simply have … better things to do??? Either that, or they’re all happily married. š
Men – and I mean all men – are pretty clumsy and transparent when they make passes. I am no longer flattered when a man makes a pass at me, no matter how attractive he is or how smooth his approach. From experience, I know a man making a pass at me means nothing – it is NOT a reflection of deeper romantic feelings on his part. Sex, for men, is a numbers game. Men on the whole are pragmatists, painfully unimaginative, opportunistic, boring, pathetic etc, etc. I’ll stop right there because I’m sounding bitter.
“I have to be frank with you ā¦ as someone who is a bit older than you. There is no blessing in getting older.”
I respectfully disagree with you, Marcia. I feel there are some gains and some losses in getting older. Did I love the looks and the athleticism I had at 19? Yes, absolutely. Have I lost some looks and athleticism? Yes, of course. But I also feel I’ve gained something as a 39-year-old that money can’t buy. I’ve gained an incredible degree of emotional stability. I just feel so at peace all the time…
My levels of anxiety and depression today are so much lower than they were when I was younger, and I don’t think you can put a price tag on that. You hear all these stories of wealthy people and celebs with mental health issues, and they presumably have access to the best doctors, medical care, etc. But money can’t buy peace of mind. Good mental health is priceless, and mine has come about as an indirect result of aging I think. So I am a big fan of aging, from a mental health perspective. I.e. the older I get, the better I feel. š
Funny story, though. I was walking home recently, and saw this young fella in his early twenties kicking a ball around a field by himself. And, since I still look younger than my age, this young fella said hello very warmly. It was clear he wanted me to join him for a game. I politely declined. On the one hand, I didn’t want to hurt the young man’s feelings. On the other hand, I knew my aging body isn’t up to the rigorous physical workout involved in team sports.
Sammy,
“If I used my own life as evidence, Iād argue that human women have absolutely no interest in human men. Heterosexual attraction in females is a myth.”
I can only speak for myself, but I have been powerfully attracted to certain men, but it’s not a feeling I experience often or walk around having to contain. With those attractions I have pursued the man if he wasn’t pursing me, and I think I was very obvious. I think subtlety doesn’t work with your side. š But with garden variety interest … there’s only so much I’m going to do. I remember one guy I used to work with tossing out that he and I should get a drink a couple of times, but he never mentioned a specific day or asked for my number. Maybe he wasn’t serious. Idk. Or maybe was waiting for me to do more, but I wasn’t feeling it enough to walk out on that ledge. But that’s me. There are some women who will not make the first move, no matter what. I kind of enjoy flipping the script in the right situations.
“From experience, I know a man making a pass at me means nothing ā it is NOT a reflection of deeper romantic feelings on his part. ”
Yes, totally agree. I’m not even sure if it’s necessarily a reflection of a much of an attraction. Once you find out how many people he’s making passes at or how many people he finds appealing, you realize you are a member of a club with way too many members.
“Iāve gained an incredible degree of emotional stability. I just feel so at peace all the timeā¦”
I’m happy for you. Really. I feel irritated a lot of the time. I was reading that peoples’ happiness bottoms out at about age 47, only to swing back up as they get older. I’m hoping that’s true. I mentioned this to a friend the other day, whose solution to middle-aged ennui was to take.up.knitting. I am not making that up.
Something like this?
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=k3nfqH4YDDM
“Love Me With All Your Heart” – The Ray Charles Singers (1964)
I liked this song since I heard it as a kid. I think it’s up there with “More” as one of the most romantic songs out there.
I also really like their version of “Al-Di-La” https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TURfe0yVzBE‘
The original is by Emilio Pericoli in “Rome Adventure” (1962) and is sung in Italian. The pop version takes some liberties with the lyrics.
What does that say when these can reach an 8 year old?
That you were born with a romantic soul? And a predisposition to limerence?
You’re in good company, of course.
I guess this varies from one situation & limerent to another. I am talking from personal experience. I have gone from LE straight to relationship with a new person before. You might be surprised how quickly an LO can fade into a very distant background with zero overshadowing… when you fall in love with the right person, where there is both real friendship and mutual sizzle, and where you actually get to experience the real person fully rather than a fantasy. I found transference to be the best cure for limerence.
Marcia, I agree with you and replacing LO is not possible since I had not felt such feelings for decades
Well I agree too… partly… only in the context of my current LO, whom I can’t imagine ever replacing or ever feeling any differently about. But isn’t that the point? When you are still in the grips of limerence for someone, even to a small degree, you can’t imagine wanting anyone else. Until a time comes when you just do. And from that point on, the limerent love tinted spectacles fade away and you quickly start to see LO as a regular flawed person, and wonder what the huge deal was.
When I look back at my three past LOs, two of whom I loved limerently for a year or more, while I have a tiny degree of nostalgic fondness for them, I have no feelings for them now and even question why I was so stuck on them for so long.
Maybe this is just me then… a pragmatic romantic.
Allie,
“When I look back at my three past LOs, two of whom I loved limerently for a year or more, while I have a tiny degree of nostalgic fondness for them, I have no feelings for them now and even question why I was so stuck on them for so long.”
I feel the same way. My experience is very different than the limerents who post they are still battling feelings many years later. And one of my LOs became a very serious boyfriend. I think the only reason my current LE (still a few embers there, but almost extinguished) has lasted so long was … as you older you don’t meet as many people who rock your world.
But at the height (maybe not on the downward slope) of the limerence, I would not have been able to fully focus on anyone else. For an actual relationship. I could have done casual, side sessions, and I did. š
Yeah, the “transference” strategy is context specific, for sure. If you are single and have become limerent for someone unsuitable, then it can work as long as you are in a sort of state of “romantic potential” and not too far gone.
The idea is to recognise and cultivate the glimmer for a new partner who is more suitable, until they come to occupy the romantic centre of your life. A true shift from one LO to another.
Dating someone else just to try and distract yourself is definitely not the plan.
“I very much disagree with the second step the video recommends to take to get rid of limerence: Refocus your limerence on to a more suitable romantic candidate.”
@Marcia.
I think you make a very interesting point.
I guess, on the one hand, if someone is looking for a relationship, then transferring the interest onto someone “available” sounds like great advice – the healthiest and most logical option, eminently sane, and so on and so forth. š
On the other hand, love isn’t necessarily logical. And limerence definitely isn’t logical. So this course of action is much easier said than done. Also, there’s the little problem you raise of the new party being cast in the “therapeutic stuffed monkey” role. š
I think if one’s limerence is caused by unmet needs/unresolved internal conflicts, then obviously trying to get to the bottom of those issues is a much better use of time/energy/resources than rushing out to find a new partner. One might find a lovely new partner, but one still has one’s needs and conflicts to contend with…
If one is single and one’s limerence is mostly fuelled by a desire for romance, though, then maybe considering other “candidates” isn’t such a bad idea. A possible snag, however: will the new potential partner engage one’s emotions?
Full disclosure: I have never had any real success in intentionally “transferring” my limerence to a new LO, probably because the subliminal cues involved in the attraction are so specific. (What if one can’t find a suitably glimmer-y replacement in the desired timeframe?) I’m a “first cut is the deepest” kind of guy, as in the Cat Stevens song, and every subsequent “love” strikes me as a pale imitation of the original. No one can ever measure up to Mr Fantastic, etc. All of my attractions have been overshadowed/coloured by the first one or two. š
Sammy,
“I have never had any real success in intentionally ātransferringā my limerence to a new LO,”
I have not transferred feelings from an LO to a non-LO. Not in terms of the intensity of feelings. It was different with the non-LO. I dated someone during the end of my last LE and I definitely liked this guy and was into him, but not on the same level as my LO, and the feelings for my LO, though diminished, were still there.
I have, however, transferred feelings from one LO to another LO. But this was quite a bit after the LE with the first LO had started.
And then sometimes the LE just dies. You just get over it. So that’s also a possibility. One doesn’t have to dive into dating someone else. It’s ok to be on one’s own for a bit. It’s ok to have unattached netherlands. š
“And then sometimes the LE just dies. You just get over it. So thatās also a possibility. One doesnāt have to dive into dating someone else. Itās ok to be on oneās own for a bit. Itās ok to have unattached netherlands. š”
@Marcia.
I love the way you express yourself. “Unattached netherlands” is almost as witty a euphemism as “undercarriage”. š
I tend to hang onto LOs/LEs until I’m absolutely sure there’s no hope left, and then I let go. But, until recently, I’ve always had the vague desire for romantic attachment when I find myself alone. Now I’m more comfortable being alone, not looking for something to fill the void. Emotional void, that is. I’m not talking about other voids. My limerences seem to be driven by some kind of emotional lack. š
Sammy,
“My limerences seem to be driven by some kind of emotional lack.”
Mine, too. I have noticed that my LEs in my twenties and early thirties were shorter. I think it’s because I had a lot more going on socially then, and the socializations ( I don’t mean dating) was much more fulfilling.
“I have noticed that my LEs in my twenties and early thirties were shorter. I think itās because I had a lot more going on socially then, and the socializations ( I donāt mean dating) was much more fulfilling.”
@Marcia.
Interesting. I’m actually the opposite. The “attractions”, for want of a better word, I had in my teens and twenties tended to be very painful and protracted. Any “attractions” I have today tend to be quite short-lived and much less destabilising, mere flashes in pan. I feel most of my attractions today are garden-variety crushes and not full-blown limerence at all.
I feel this change has come about because, as I’ve aged, I’ve become a lot less trusting and I no longer invest my whole heart and soul in potential romantic partners. I’ve become a lot more guarded. I am probably also considerably less needy emotionally, which also helps. I don’t really need anybody in my life in order to feel happy and so attractions don’t spiral out of control as they once did. š
Sammy,
“I donāt really need anybody in my life in order to feel happy”
A specific person or people in general? I mean, to me, a big part of life is needing other people, forming relationships, supporting each other. I mean, relationships in general, not just romantic. It’s hard to attach to people who don’t need anything from you.
I also disagree with that step. If we focus our limerence on somebody else even if they are more suitable, won’t it turn into another LO? That’s actually happened to me once where I tried to stop my limerence for one person that I refocused it on someone else to get away from my LO. Refocusing worked getting rid of the feelings for one but I ended up finding myself focused on a different and new LO.
Does everyone you are interested in eventually turn into an LO? That hasn’t been my experience. LOs are rare, and just because I start dating or seeing someone while still limerent for an LO doesn’t mean the person I’m dating becomes another LO. I have had one LO replace another LO but there were years in between meeting them.
Iām not interested in to many people but when I am they almost always turn into an LO it first started when I was 13. And my LEs get really severe. I think the reason this happens is that I focus my energy on LOs instead of real crushes.
Maybe the refocusing strategy works on other people? It usually hurts me though.
Madi,
“I focus my energy on LOs instead of real crushes.”
Well, technically, if you want to be really practical and “non-limerent-ish” about it, we all should focus on those people who like us and try to move things forward with us. I’m not saying you’re not doing that.
Song of the Day: “Third Rate Romance” – The Amazing Rhythm Aces (1975)
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=E-d3IpIvSFQ
Inspired by recent comments…
“She said, “You don’t look like my type, but I guess you’ll do”
Third rate romance, low rent rendezvous
And he said, “I’ll even tell you that I love you, if you want me to
Third rate romance, low rent rendezvous”
Oops this isn’t supposed to be here.
I see Limerence as a neurological state usually driven by dysfunctional attachments from childhood. And CURABLE. We are oblivious consciously of this powerful drive and grant reality to our FEELINGS ( perfect example at the end) ā¦the dopamine looping, insatiable grasping for reciprocation from our targeted LO, even crumbs can elate us and relieve anxietyā¦.for a short while. Dopamine is the most addictive neurotransmitter/ drug and sadly It is reinforced by NOT ATTAINING the desire. Anthropological survival wiring to seek food, shelter, problem solveā¦.survive. Different endorphins are released when the desired object or situation is ATTAINED. But keeping you WANTING more ā¦ with underlying ANXIETY with HOPE = dopamineā¦ keeps Limerence alive, and gamblers pushing the buttonā¦btw where dopamine spikes..not at the win but at the uncertainty of the push of the button . My favourite example of not granting reality to omg they are the one, Iāve never felt this way before, weāre soul mates, etc isā¦ BEATLES MANIA. Yes the feelings are real. Girls screamed and fainted in limerant overwhelm, but it is obvious that the BASIS OF THE CRUSH ISNT REAL. They donāt know a real thing about the LO. They have no real connection. Just as we pedestal our LO. Hey. We donāt know or want to know their bad traits and ultimately how ordinary and flawed they will eventually be discovered to be. After suffering horrendously most of my life with this and transference I canāt get a LO again, as I have dealt with the attachment wounds and found unshakable self love and contentment being alone. Another story. Good luck. Just be real. You are in love with the LOthem you created in your head NOT the real version. You filled in all the gaps. With all perfect traits of course. So ultimately you are in love with yourself, your hopes and dreams for romance.
Great post, Robyn. One burning question. How did you deal with the attachment wounds ?