February saw the third anniversary of the blog, and anniversaries are always a good time to pause and take stock.
I started this site as way to expend some of the pent up energy that the unexpected re-emergence of limerence had left in me. It seemed a good way of discharging the frustrated impatience that demanded an outlet – a purposeful way of making something worthwhile out of a lifequake.
I had no real plan in mind, beyond getting my thoughts down and seeing what happened.
Well, what happened was I learned that a lot of other people have gone through a similar experience to me. Traffic to the site continues to grow, my email inbox is overflowing like a springtime river (apologies to those I’ve been slow, or unable, to respond to), and new people keep finding our tribe – and discovering that the experience they are battling through is Known and can be understood.
While the free-wheeling improvisation at the start was fun and easy, it’s now got to the point where I need a plan. If this project is going to succeed into the future, it needs to be more focused, organised and intentional. So, it feels like Living with Limerence needs to move into a second phase, reaching new people and developing new resources to help those who are trapped on the limerence roller coaster. The first part of that second phase is to set down what’s been learned to date, and that is now done:
Living with Limerence, The Book, is the condensed wisdom of the first three years of the site. It’s a guide for the smitten that takes the best lessons from the blog, marshals them into a sensible order, polishes them up, adds some extra chapters of totally new ideas, and generally makes the case for my neuroscience-based perspective on what limerence is and how to thrive as a limerent.
I have two hopes: that it provides a useful primer for new arrivals to the site and quickly gets them up to speed with the philosophical foundations of our approach to living with limerence, and that it provides a bit of funding to help the site keep growing.
The book goes live next week, but if anyone would like a free* advanced copy, they can join the launch team.
*The asterisk on “free” is this: if you do download and read the book, please leave an honest Amazon review as soon as you can after the launch. Reviews boost the visibility of the book and give book browsers some confidence that it’s worth reading, so they will help enormously in spreading the message.
Thanks to everyone who’s helped get LwL to this stage. Here’s to the next three years!
Best wishes Dr. L.
Good to hear from you. Hope life is treating you well.
My Limerent Brain Is An Idiot says
Lee, any update on the divorce situation?
I miss your pungent commentary.
It goes. I am very glad not to be living in lockdown with someone who has never, ever stopped comparing and contrasting me with others and found me wanting in fundamental but ultimately superficial ways.
Our adult kids were relieved. One promptly dropped him from her wedding. Turns out, he had shared his views of me as not being quite good enough with them off and on through the years. Then he would tell them that he was angry, didn’t mean it, etc. So they kept his secrets because they thought he wasn’t playing us all – or that his diagnoses were fueling it and that he really did love me for ME rather than my usefulness to him.
Since filing, anytime I had a flickering doubt, I would read one of the many posts about the glories and wonders of LO’s past and present that have been submitted; how much of a hassle and drag SO’s are, how lackluster!, square my shoulders and resolve to see it through to the end.
Go to 27.40 or so. No longer am I cast in the role of Margaret to a series of Jeanne’s before and during our marriage. He is now released from released from any pretenses of affection. I prefer to wait until the divorce is finalized but that will be by the end of the year with a little luck. It’s easier because our kids are grown and he simply wants to be free to pursue his bliss.
I hope everyone is keeping their distance from others and thoroughly washing their hands with soap and water.
Glad to hear it’s going OK, Lee.
Never has that advice seemed so apt 🙂
p.s. I’m working on a post at the moment which is an update on a betrayed spouse who you helped last summer. Should be live on Saturday, and should cheer you up.
My Limerent Brain Is An Idiot says
Eheheheh. Your advice about soap and water is SO in character.
I would ask you to be the LWL site ‘Mom’ but I don’t run it and the guy who does is pretty good.
Well, you’re gonna be an amazing catch for somebody if you ever feel inclined.
First question to ask them:
“Are you a limerent?”
“You may proceed.”
Otherwise, run fast!
Congrats Dr. L – this is big! I joined the Launch Team. What’s next in phase 2?
I always thought linked/searchable forums would be nice instead of plain comments. I’m perpetually trying to remember which post I had that exchange with My Limerent Brain Is an Idiot and searching multiple posts for “Fred” for that sage piece of advice from Vincent…
Excellent idea! The current format has me pegged as a lurker, typical limerent behaviour, I know! Can’t wait to read the book and sending a nod of compassion and understanding to all other lifelong limerents.
Agree Fred! With so many comments coming in every day it’s hard to keep track. And I forget each one’s story across multiple posts. I like to read them all, but can’t visit the blog every day. I am using an RSS reader app (Feedly) which keeps all read/unread comments in chronological order. It’s the same as on the LwL homepage, but older comments don’t disappear. But I agree a forum would be better.
what’s the RSS feed for this site?
While not being all that up with the tech, PH, I think it’s just the WordPress standard of: livingwithlimerence.com/feed
You need an RSS feed reader or aggregator (ex. Feedly) and search for “Living with Limerence”. That would probably be the feed for the articles only. I can’t remember how I got the feed for the comments though… Let me see if I find it.
Vicarious Limerent says
My only issue with linked/searchable comments is that might make it much easier to identify people on this site. I don’t know why I did this, but I think I have overshared on this site over the past six weeks or so (I am sure a few others are in the same boat). My LO, SO and two or three others would definitely recognize many of my comments on here — particularly if they could piece them together. I sometimes want to go back and find my old posts, but I kind of like that it is somewhat hard to find comments on here. Just a thought!
My Limerent Brain Is An Idiot says
I can see both sides. I’d definitely be discoverable if my LO or SO found this site. Way too much oversharing on my part.
Plus, we’d all probably be limerent for each other. I’d totally be down for an LE with Jaideaux.
Ah, I’m SUCH an idiot.
Vicarious Limerent says
@ MLBIAI: LOL. I wondered if anyone on this site ever hooked up, but it is all anonymous, so I can’t see that happening. Why do we overshare on here? Anyone can simply access this site. I found out about limerence after Googling “crushes.” That took me to this site, so anyone could theoretically find it.
@ Scharnhorst: I don’t want my LO finding this because she is entirely unaware of the depths of my feelings for her (although a small part of me kind of wants to be found out), and if my wife found my comments, I would be a dead man. There goes any hope of reconciliation if that happened.
Let them find me.
They can’t do anything to me. My wife knows. What are they going to do? Sign up here and ask me not to post about them? Send me an email or FB message and ask me to stop posting about them? I don’t think so. Even if they cared, I don’t think either of them would give me the satisfaction of knowing I got to them. LO #2 wouldn’t do it out of fear and LO #4 wouldn’t do it out of spite.
The only potential down side to my XLOs finding this place is it would likely kill any possibility of my making a comeback if I ever wanted to try that.
For a while I worried about my LO finding this site. But then I realised that so many of our stories are so similar that no-one could be sure.
Me and Vincent seemed to have an eerily close experience.
Hahaha – yes sometimes I think you’ve been reading my mind! 😁
But it’s enormously reassuring to know I wasn’t the only one.
I know a forum would be a good idea, Fred, and several people have asked for it. I lose track of comment threads too.
The problem is that right now I am time poor, and so would need to take on IT help and moderators to make it work. Maybe when time and/or money permits.
Current ideas for phase two: update the emergency deprogramming course, talk to agents and publishers about a trad published book, and a new course for professionals (i.e. counsellors, therapists and coaches) about the neuroscience of behavioural addiction.
And the big idea (whisper it so it doesn’t get scared and run away), make this project my full time job…
Fully understandable! You can just “add it to the backlog” as we always tell customers when they want a new feature added to our product. 😉
I agree you need someone to set up phpBB or whatever you choose but I don’t think finding moderators will prove much of a challenge. Several regulars here would probably love to do it. Lee would be a fearsome moderator(!)
This book is great! Nice and concise, and I enjoyed reviewing the information pulled together in a coherent, logical progression. I have a few short copyediting notes and will send those to you via email. Will be happy to write a review online. More people to learn about this and I hope they read the book!
Thanks again for all your efforts!
Thanks, Bert! Any and all feedback much appreciated.
What you have accomplished in 3 years is amazing Dr.L! Who knew there are so many of us struggling with something we often didn’t even know had a name, or was even a thing? Limerence!
The way you write your blogs is so thoughtful and accurate, a nice mix of science and psychology, with this irresistible touch of humour!
But beyond that, you managed to gather an amazing community of people who feel at home here at LwL, help each other, comment with intelligence and without judgment.
Thank you so much!
You’re welcome, Emma. It’s been a pleasure.
Congrats on finishing the book, DrL. I just read the first chapter, but the first impression is great. Very well written, as are the blog posts. I am looking forward to reading the rest and happy to leave a review on amazon. People need to be educated on this.
Going through the definition of Limerence again and reading what being limerent feels like had me thinking: Shit, that was me, how the F did this happen, just crazy. I hope this site and book gives me all the awareness to never let me get limerent in such an unhealthy way ever again.
Congrats on this huge accomplishment! This success of yours, Dr. L, is such a good example of what good things can come of evaluating your failures. I’m sure that your book will be a life-(and relationship)saver for many.
I’m definitely going to read it as I know I still have much to learn about limerence and how to avoid it the next time. Just like other addictions, I don’t think it is something that once you’ve beaten it once, you’ll never be tempted again. This blog has helped me to be so much more aware of this problem that I have and how to be on protect myself from future LE attacks.
Just wanted to share a quick (almost) success that I don’t think that I could have made without what I’ve learned from this blog. Just as I thought my current LE is almost over, I identified a new potential LO threat.
We met while waiting along the sidelines of our kids sporting event. He invited me to meet up to talk about our common work interests and my career story. I told myself that this meeting was purely professional, and I truly think it was from his side, but deep down I knew that I craved the attention. At the end of that meeting, in which I overshared a bit when talking about my career failures, our eyes locked. It was only maybe 5 seconds, but in that moment I felt so seen, understood, and accepted. The next morning I woke up from a romantic dream about this guy and I felt that high again – as if a chemical reaction was occurring in my body (which it was)- floating, paralyzed, and fuzzy and warm all at at the same time. And I thought, shit, shit, shit, not again! Even though this feels so good, I know where it’s going to end up and no way am I going to let this happen.
When I saw him again at our kids weekly sport practice, he sat down next to me and told me that what I had told him had stayed with him. I felt the color rising in my cheeks and got all warm and dizzy and I started to feel all panicky, hoping he couldn’t see how awkward I was feeling and how strange I was acting. My cheeks were still warm when I got home, because my husband asked me if I was feeling ok because I was so flushed.
Anyways, I’m really proud of myself for identifying this situation as a potential new LE. Because of what I’ve learned on this blog, I can see it as a problem that lies within myself and not see it as something magical and romantic. There are many similarities between this and my last LE, which have helped me to identify my triggers, the biggest one being in a 1-to-1 situation with a kind, intelligent, handsome older guy in which I overshare. I’ve put in an action plan into place, which includes avoiding him at the sporting events by going for a run while I’m waiting instead and resting the urge to google the heck out of his name. Now just got to follow through with it and remain strong for a few weeks…
Thanks, again, Dr. L, and all you fellow bloggers.
That’s great, Lisa. Once you get good at spotting the triggers, it’s a lot easier to respond purposefully.
I’ve had the experience now a couple of times of feeling the glimmer with someone, and then cooling down my inner excitement (because I now get what’s going on). Once the initial promise/danger passes, and the limerence doesn’t “nucleate”, I am able to just be normal with them (which is good all round!).
Quoting Lisa, “And I thought, shit, shit, shit, not again! Even though this feels so good, I know where it’s going to end up and no way am I going to let this happen.” That very much sums up what I was feeling when it appeared that my limerence was transferring. Not sure that it ever really took hold since my recent ruminations all involve my initial LO. Maybe fairly prompt disclosure to my counselor and SO also helped me rein it in.
“Once the initial promise/danger passes, and the limerence doesn’t “nucleate”, I am able to just be normal with them.” Maybe this would be possible in future cases, but I don’t know if it would realistically work that way with my near LO number two. Maybe it’s just my limerent brain trying to trick me into thinking that it didn’t transfer just so that it could get another rush from seeing her again — that’s what my SO says. Maybe since I only feel warmth, and no longer euphoria, when thinking of my first LO, that it may have transferred, or is this simply how limerents feel during withdrawal? I’ll have to reread the withdrawal blog entry.
Did anyone else just have an exciting moment where they thought “imagine if Dr L felt the glimmer with ME!”
No? Just me? Kidding… but isn’t it easy to get caught up in those thoughts!
I’m taking a deep dive into Module 2 of Dr L’s Emergency Deprogramming course now… I highly recommend it if your days are consumed by Limerence. My LO is already looking a little less desirable now. There’s a way out. I will report back when I’m finished!
DrL. looks like sloth from the goonies, smells musty, and all you’d do is fight.
I make Sloth look like Brad Pitt.
Never fear, I am not Limerent for our teacher. Sloths are cute but being belligerent AND musty are things he could get help for, surely hehe. You don’t have to live that way, Dr L!
Hope everyone is well.
Hi Lisa, I’ve had two of these encounters recently. Like you, I know what will reel me in, a bittersweet smile, a radiant intelligence, a thoughtful conversation, -a dancing energy, a shared journey. I ask myself where does this lead? And the answer of course is nowhere so I am learning to appropriately and kindly dial myself back to friendly elevator mode. But I must confess these women bring a temporary respite to the hopelessness of my LO situation right now.
It can feel a bit flat, can’t it? Trying to dial yourself back a bit. I’m looking forward to when it becomes effortless And hopefully my existing relationships become richer.
Well I’ve finished the book and just like the Emergency deprogramming course it is spot on. So well written and easy to read and understand. I went to Amazon to write my review but found out I was not eligible because I don’t do business with them. Maybe I’ll just buy a boat load of LWL books then I can write my review. For sure I give it five ♦♦♦♦♦
Hey… that sounds like a brilliant plan 🙂
Hi! Never got my advance copy so I went ahead and bought the Kindle version on Amazon. I’ve only just started reading it, but it is predictably great so far (I’m on Chapter 5) and I really like how succinctly and clearly you’ve ordered both the book and the devastating experience of limerence.
And I’m in the book! Or at least a quote of mine is: “Over the course of this summer, the feeling I now know as limerence has been building. I’ve been irritable, depressed, withdrawn from my family and derive no pleasure from activities I usually enjoy. When I text her, I am on edge until she replies and when she doesn’t, I’m destroyed. I can soothe myself by remembering our moments together and fantasising how she will reciprocate.”
Sorry you didn’t get an advanced copy, but thanks for buying one! Thanks too for the quote – I harvested some of the most pithy and powerful quotes to relay ‘that limerence feeling’. To be honest, I had so many I even contemplated a separate chapter on it. Maybe a good idea for the second edition…?