I’m getting to be quite a fan of Mel Robbins. I signed up for her “best decade ever” course this year and it’s great so far. While I’d (rather inevitably) nitpick the details of her pop neuroscience description of the 5 second rule, the message is neat, powerful and persuasive.
So, while I manfully fight off a January cold, and deal with a load of real-job headaches, here’s a good vid on her general approach to self improvement. Well worth a watch.
Normal service resumes next week.
I bet this is a useful hack, and I may even try it, but I’ve spent a lot of time thinking about the limits of the goal of purposefulness in an age of burnout. I am burned out. Two job changes in the last year, awesome but existing husband and children who need things, organizations I volunteer with, bills to pay, errands to run, etc. are all weighing me down, and each incremental demand feels heavier than it objectively is because of everything else already on my plate.
One thing I know about my limerence is that it provides stress relief. It is immensely helpful to be able to ruminate about LO for a while when everything else feels like a huge mental burden. I don’t think it’s a coincidence that LO is a former co-worker who has supported me through some serious work craziness – the stress at work actually gives me an excuse to think about and be in contact with him more (I know…I am in a serious backslide recently when it comes to NC, which I have never achieved). So, the idea of moving toward a purposeful life feels doubly negative: I have to add ANOTHER obligation to my plate, expend more mental energy to force myself into new, better habits, AND I have to give up my addiction that is helping keep my over-burdened mind sane? It feels really hard to take that on.
I would just like one thing in life that isn’t structured / required / timed / forced, even though I know something like the five second rule makes sense and would probably keep me more on task throughout the day.
I love this comment! It is fascinating to think of limerence as a way out of over structured, robotic time management! I wonder if there is a way to allow spontaneity and relaxation into your life, understanding that the limerence is telling you that is a need? For myself, I am struggling with that balance of over or under scheduling, apart from limerence, especially since I am sort of in nonlimerent limbo without an SO, but trying to move into a more stable job than university adjuncting.
I agree with this comment! Limerence for me was also a stress relief. I also learned a lot from the experience and felt as if it opened my eyes and connected me to a more spiritual side of myself – which actually then helped me to live in the present moment and pay more attention to my thoughts, and adjust them as necessary (close to the purposeful living that Dr. L describes). Before my LE, I would have a lot of negative thoughts about myself, my job, my future. But in my LE, my LO fantasy was always about unconditional love, and somehow this started to manifest in my life – maybe I started to give myself the unconditional love I fantasized getting fro my LO. And now I am more in tuned and receptive to my SO’s demonstrations of love – which aren’t as overt as I might prefer, but are still there. I was able to discuss this with my SO and learn more about how they express love, and now I read them differently. It feels all very mental, the whole thing, LE, getting in tune with my “energy,” changing how I think about SO, etc.
LLL, PS – there is so much truth to what you’ve written. A big part of my LE fantasy is having a PA because I feel like I deserve to for once do something against the rules, totally spontaneous, and risky. I don’t think I’ll ever actually do it, but I could probably help lower the risk by adding more adventure in my life in other ways. And this LE has also driven me to explore my spirituality and connection to God as never before. I did this because I was noticing how much my idealization of LO was in many ways a mirror of what my faith teaches is how I’m supposed to feel about the love of Christ: gentle, patient, unfailing…In addition to wanting to recommit to that relationship, I’m also trying to appreciate the many ways in which my SO already does these things. There is still something in my lizard brain drawing me toward LO, but I know that there are ways that I can shift my mentality to see that he isn’t the solution to all of what I feel is missing from my life.
One of the most valuable things about limerence can be the realisation that something is wrong in your life (and manifesting as vulnerability to limerence). I can definitely relate to the stress relief concept.
Doing the deep work of understanding what’s really going on with you psychologically can gain some good from a disruptive LE.
I actually liked the video, yes it’s a very simple message/hack but she’s right, we spend all our lives talking ourselves out of things. The 5 second rule is like a circuit breaker, before your mind convinces you not to do something (and I am talking about purposefully living, not robbing a bank etc) you can use the 5 second rule to disrupt those negative thoughts and act purposefully.
It also would work with an LO, for example my mind would throw up all kinds of reasons why I should linger and stretch my conversation with LO (He’s laughing and enjoying my conversation, what’s 5 more minutes, he will think I am rude if I cut this short) but if I used the 5 second rule I would actually get up and leave. I won’t have time to talk myself into staying, instead I would actively get up and leave. This will be a biggie for me! Massive actually, I have not been able to walk away FIRST for two years, I’ve always lingered, never left, if he lingers I linger some more.
My next goal would have to be to manage my emotions afterwards, I suspect I’ll be a wreck.
But yes, can see this working and will give it a try.
Thanks for posting that, I like the simplicity of it, and starting with something basic like the alarm clock, which I regularly snooze once or twice each morning, feels a great place to start.
It’s useful for me because I’ve lost of lot of my motivation post LE. In the height of it I was trying to channel that energy into self improvement, getting fitter physically and mentally, and likewise when I went NC I did so with that momentum. I had weight goals, muscle % goals etc. It was a great distraction.
But I’ve let it slip over the last few months 😞 I picked up an injury, and just got out of all those great habits over the Xmas period. I’m 13m into NC and thoughts of LO have certainly faded so that’s no longer the fuel. There’s some glimmer from someone else at work, but I’m trying to not let that become another LE.
I’ll try this 5 second rule and see if I can get back into it. 👍
I’m in exactly the same rut, Vincent. Trying to sustain the exercise habits that started in my LE, now that the desire to impress LO has gone.
Limerence was an easy impetus. Maintaining discipline after it’s faded is more challenging. But I am determined…
(It also doesn’t help that the quick gains in health and strength that come when you start exercising tend to peter out, and you hit a plateau. It is quite a good analogy to limerence recovery!)
I made many changes to my life long before this last LE threw me for a loop. I started weight training in high school ( of course to try to impress the ladies) and it improved my self esteem a bit but I didn’t have the discipline to maintain a regular schedule. Over the years I would join a gym and be “all in” for a couple of months and then get bored, busy with life and work and stop. I would gain weight and when I looked in the mirror I would cringe at what poor shape I was in. So about 15 years ago I enlisted the help of a personal trainer and have been working out with him(and my SO) 3x/week for an hour at a time for 15 years now. This isn’t cheap but I’m in relatively great shape compared to most of my peers. I get compliments and “looks” not infrequently which boosts my self esteem (which is pretty F’n low by nature). I suppose it’s one of the things that LO may have noticed about me which led to glimmer and y’all know what comes after that, the limerent reverie and off to the races!
When the depression and despair of realizing my fantasy with LO would never happen, my dedication to working out with my trainer I’m sure helped tremendously( and other good habits I developed over the years) in coping with LE. I’m not “over it”( likely never completely) but I do give myself credit for developing good habits to lead a generally purposeful life.
I had heard the 5 seconds hack before, and while I see it can be useful, I don’t really like the way she talks. Like it’s “so simple”. 5-4-3-2-1 and there you go, problem solved! What about people struggling with depression or other health issues? Of course, it helps to make the right choices every little time, every day, whatever the situation you’re in. In the case of limerent daydreaming it could be 5 seconds to snap me out of it rather than indulging. But it sounds a bit “fake it till you make it” strategy. She says we can change by applying this hack for every choice. Sure. But it sounds a bit superficial, I mean, there has to be a bigger purpose. It would only work from the moment you are really deeply determined to change.
I agree with you.
I don’t see anything profound in it. I think she’s overly optimistic as to carryover effects and applicability. I spent a few years on a nuclear submarine. I don’t have a problem getting up in the morning.
But, I can’t pass up a free donut. This might help me pass up a free donut in the breakroom. But, I like donuts and I’ll take the instant gratification and sugar rush I get from eating a free donut over barely keeping my eyes open during the meeting and letting my belt slip a notch. I won’t pay for the privilege of gaining weight, contributing to diabetes, and losing 15-30 minutes of productivity from the crash but when they’re free, what the heck!
When it gets to two notches, it’s time for me to stop eating free donuts.
I agree with you guys, it’s too simple to be live changing. BUT, what it does remind me of is mindfulness. I am no expert but as I have been explained once is that by being mindful you have to be aware that after anything happens, there is that small window of where you have the choice of how you react to it and how that emotion will influence your mood.
She says you have no choice over your emotions. I think you do. Maybe not with big emotions (like limerence, or sadness over death of a loved one etc), but in day to day life, you can choose wether to get angry over a spilt coffee on your shirt, or the rain outside, or a comment of a colleague etc, and you have a choice of how you react emotionally to it. Not letting yourself get hung up over things you can’t control, will spill over to other bigger things and how you deal with them.
Vicarious Limerent says
I like the idea of the five second rule — and I understand the issues relating to inertia and not doing what we know is best for ourselves — but what if you really don’t know what you should be doing? For example, I am absolutely torn between ending my marriage and doing my best to try to turn things around. I had a tough couple of days with my SO, and I really want to be committed to improving things. However, I just know that my SO will NOT accept most of the things I NEED to do in order to improve my life and marriage. I am starting to feel like she actually wants to be miserable and just complain about the status quo. I don’t always have the answers, but at least I want to try to change things and try SOMETHING. I am beginning to feel like she doesn’t even want the same things in life as I do.
On the other hand, I am worried that my subconscious (and maybe even my conscious mind) just wants things to end so I can try to be with my LO (or at least someone more like her). I am feeling like my marriage is a prison and I feel totally stifled, bored and depressed in my life. Now my SO is trying to throw every roadblock she can in my way to stop me from going out and having a life. She is even trying to use worries about home invasions and human trafficking as a reason why I shouldn’t be leaving my daughter alone for a few hours on the weekends to go out while my SO works (my daughter is a teenager now). By the way, we live in a safe neighbourhood in the suburbs and have a big dog.
A week ago, I thought I had a good strategy in saying goodbye to my LO (not to her face but out loud to myself), but it hasn’t worked. My limerence is worse than ever. For the first time since I met my LO, I went to the pub where I met her two months ago. It was a surreal experience to be there. I was pretty sure she wouldn’t be there (and she wasn’t), but I went with my SO and daughter for a special meal I saw advertised. I had major butterflies walking in there and it felt like I was doing something illicit in being there, but I was pretty sure she wouldn’t be there so early in the evening. Weirdly enough, my SO knew the significance of the pub (I had completely disclosed my LE to her). She was still fine going there. In some ways, it felt better being there, like a load off my shoulders. But I still felt like I was doing something wrong just being there.
For some reason, something possessed me to check out my LO’s Facebook page (I am no longer her friend after I unfriended her with a partial explanation of my SO’s jealousy). I wish I hadn’t looked because my LO must have changed her profile picture very recently. It is a really nice picture of her on vacation at a tropical destination. I saw her legs for the first time, and they look fantastic. Based on the picture, I found out it is or was very recently her birthday. I just found myself saying out loud, “Happy Birthday sweetheart,” and I started to cry (my SO is now at work). I am not doing well at all right now! Does anyone have any advice? I am at the end of my rope right now. I cannot live like this!
Vicarious Limerent – sounds like you are in a pretty bad spot right now, I feel for you. I guess looking at LO’s Facebook page didn’t help, you are looking at something you want and may not have. I’ve been there, I did the same last week, but accidentally. A mutual friend posted pictures of her family at a group function and as I scrolled through them lo-and-behold who was in the background of almost each pic, my LO. I felt my heart stop and then almost bungee jump out of my chest. I was super pissed off as I managed to NOT look at HIS page for almost 4 straight weeks and this happens.
So, if I were in your situation what would I do (other than eat a tub of Oreo ice cream, curl up into a foetal position and bawl my eyes out), I’d probably sit down and make a list. The list would be reasons to stay in my marriage and reasons why I would leave. If your SO does not want counselling you will need to sit her down and go through your list stating what you need in your marriage for it to work. I would also probably take some time-out if I can, could you stay with someone just for a week? Or could you go away for a week or so to have some alone time? Sometimes being away gives you clarity, away from negative SO, away from grumpy daughter you can think more clearly of what you really want. It might also make your SO realise you seriously would like to try to fix this. You’ll have to face the fact that perhaps the best for you might be ending your marriage, but not to pursue your LO, I feel that won’t end well for you and just make you feel worse. You need to do this for YOU not for LO.
Anyway, that’s just my two-bobs-worth, I am no expert but I can relate to being married and feeling like life is boring and being in a rut.
Vicarious Limerent says
Thanks Lee-Anne. Some time out might help, as well as a list of non-negotiables to make my marriage worthwhile. If I do end it, that would need to be purely for me (and my SO), but I still can’t help but feel that I would try to go on a date with my LO on the slight chance she might say yes. I am 99.9% sure I would be shot down in flames by her, but I would need to try anyway (provided she doesn’t end up dating my brother in-law, which she won’t because of the distances involved and the fact he just wants his ego stroked now and isn’t interested in her). At least I would know and I could try to find someone else. I think some closure would help, but I understand that I cannot end my marriage of over 14 years for a woman I spent two hours of my life with in a pub and a taxi ride home — especially when she was mad-keen on my brother in-law!
I am in a similar situation, LE for 3 years thankfully on the wane. At the height of it about 2 years ago I thought I was losing my mind! I disclosed to SO and she didn’t take it well to say the least. Months later I disclosed to LO and have been NC ever since. The NC has been the best thing for me to do the “deep dive” as to why this happened. I am a serial limerent but it had been decades since my last LE so it really took me by surprise. At this point my LE is about 10-20% of what it was at it’s worst, and I can live with that. SO and I are working on our relationship but it has its ups and downs. I don’t do social media at all so that trap door is out of the question. The only way to contact LO is to out of my way to do so and every now and then I’m tempted to reach out with a “ hey howya doin’?”; but she knows about my limerence and how sneaky and subversive it can be, so I don’t reach out. Time and self discovery as a result of NC are the best helpers, please hang in there this is a marathon not a sprint we all know what you’re going through.
Vicarious Limerent says
Thanks again, Avalanche, for your support and kind encouragement. It is nice to know this will get better. Where I differ from some people is mine isn’t an entirely healthy and happy marriage. I love my SO, but as the song says, “sometimes love just ain’t enough.” Still, I have to try to improve things for at least a few months. I am even going to try pushing the envelope on some things because frankly they are non-negotiables. Some she will fight me on, so I have to see where we land in terms of compromise. I think my response to Scharnhorst below kind of gets at some of your points as well.
Fading Light says
Hi Vicarious Limerent, if your LO was reciprocating your love, would you be able to consider divorcing your SO? Or will you always consider that a stable, safe SO is always better than a getting in a relationship with a LO?
Vicarious Limerent says
@ Fading Light: Sorry, I just noticed your comment now, over a week later. I don’t know how I would feel. The temptation to be with her if the feelings were mutual would be so irresistible, but I know how utterly illogical it would be to leave my wife and the mother of my child for a woman I spent two hours with in a bar, who was totally into my brother in-law to boot. But if I really got to know her and the feelings were mutual, who knows? Even then, it would have to be after really trying to patch things up with my wife. I think relationships can work with LOs, but leaving your SO while in a state of limerence is a very dangerous thing to do because our minds aren’t clear or logical when we’re in a limerent fog.
This is a good article
So, in the context of your marriage, what role is your LO playing?
I was having problems in my marriage when I encountered LO #4. We bonded over a mutual interest. LO #4 was a distraction from my problems, not a solution to my problems. Over time, we developed an attachment. When her relationship collapsed and she reached out, she went from a distraction in my life to a complication in my life. It’s easy to “be there” for someone when they don’t ask anything of you. It can be a whole lot different when they do.
When I saw the EAP counselor, she asked, “Are you willing to sacrifice your marriage and family for this woman?” My answer was, “no.” The EAP counselor said in that case the answer was easy, get away from her and stay away from her. She added that if I stayed involved with LO #4 it would not end well for me. Since LO #4 was never the solution to my problems, I knew the counselor was right, LO #4 had to go. But, apparently we were a little more attached than we thought and it took 9 months and things got worse before they got better.
Back to the point, what role is your LO playing for you? Meeting the right person could be the catalyst you need to change. The possibility of a better tomorrow might prompt you to take action today. But, make sure you don’t reverse cause and effect. That can kill you.
Vicarious Limerent says
@Scharnhorst, I think the role she is playing is that of Canary in the Coalmine. She is also part of a major mid-life crisis. My feelings for her are indicative of some deep problems in my marriage, family and home life, career, job, finances, health, friendships and social life. Absolutely nothing was working for me when this woman walked into my life. She was an escape in many ways, and perhaps a way to avoid thinking about my other (very real) problems, which I had been ruminating over for years. I also feel like I was living vicariously through my brother in-law the night we met her. He is newly single, and I think in many ways I was envious of him being able to chat up and date women (my SO and I haven’t been intimate in years). I also ended up getting these weird “vicariously limerent” feelings towards my LO in really wanting my brother in-law to date her. I put it down to being so drawn to her on so many levels that I wanted her in my life in some capacity — even if she was totally off limits to me.
In many ways, my LO is a breath of fresh air and very different from my wife. This woman is beautiful, fun, exciting, adorable, funny, decent, kind, caring and hard-working, yet assertive and confident. I admire how she knows what she wants and she isn’t afraid to go out and get her. Yet, I also know there is a certain sadness and loneliness and I know she has experienced tragedy in her family life (she must have went through hell in the circumstances of the passing of both of her parents). What’s weird, though, is there is some physical resemblance between my LO and my SO, so I don’t really understand what that’s all about. In spite of her good points, I am still trying to figure out, “Why her?”
Vicarious Limerent says
“Go out and get it” I meant to say.
I really like the 5 second rule hack and it’s helped me in the initial stages of NC to stop making contact.
Currently I’m feeling quite sad about my LE. The other week I tried to provoke a reaction out of LO and it didn’t work. It’s over he really doesn’t care about me. I’m upset for several reasons. I’m sad because I thought LO cared about me when really it meant absolutely nothing. I’m sooupset with myself for being stuck in this for so long. Neglecting myself and others for LO. How I let LO get into my head like this is baffling. I rarely think of good times with LO these days, the only thoughts I have mainly turn into anger. I remember LO saying to me that he thought I was such an angry person. Anybody who knows me knows that im so chilled and passive. LO has done some not things to me and has really upset me which has led me to be very angry at him. Then he would turn around and say I’m acting psycho. Now I’m starting to see things clearly, I should have ended the ‘friendship’ there and then. None of my real friends would treat me like that, Yet I was still hooked on him?
I’m hurt I will admit this but I am looking forward to some peace in my mind when I’ve healed. How I could have betrayed myself so badly by letting LO treat me like an idiot cuts deep. I never want an LO again and I can’t wait for the day when I can say I am finally over him.
My Limerent Brain Is An Idiot says
You can do it. I went thru the pain of limerence and I’m almost completely recovered. It has taken about 8 months.
Now, I wake up and go about my business. Eventually I have a thought of my LO, and I’m so excited that it’s been hours, and not the first thing out in my mind. She’s no longer on some exalted pedestal, and I’m not strategizing endlessly how to impress her.
Whew! Nobody values freedom more than a former prisoner.
That’s such great news! It’s amazing to hear of people getting through this. Did you have complete NC? It’s madness. I look at previous LO’s and cringe inside. This one has by far been the worst. Your last comment is true! Everytime I feel bored I will embrace that feeling.
My Limerent Brain Is An Idiot says
I’m not able to go NC. Not even LC, I supervise her!
But I *am* able to stop the madness in my mind by reminding myself over and over, “You don’t want to be with her. You love your SO. Your SO is amazing.”
I had to do all the stupid stuff in the beginning, like wearing a rubber band on my wrist and giving it a good old when I thought of her. And I would tell myself loudly that I didn’t want her when I was driving in the car by myself. It broke up the reverie and the daydreams.
And I picked up my guitar and started to learn the solo to ‘Hotel California’, which occupied my mind for hours at a time (there are over 600 notes in that thing, and it is HARD to master). That’s the ‘purposeful living’ part.
I think just giving it time to diminish was effective as well.
I still find her endearing but I definitely don’t feel the idiotic insanity, and I think I would look elsewhere if by some tragic fate we were both single simultaneously.
So keep at it! You will be glad when it’s receded.
I have done all of those things as well.. it’s silly but desperate times. I remember your posts from ages ago about your situation at work actually and how empathic you are. Im a massive empath to and it makes it so hard when they trigger that in us. That’s what’s gotten me most in the past but my anger of being made to feel like a fool is fueling more anger. Onwards and upwards.
Also that’s super cool about the guitar I’ve always wanted to learn that. My purposeful living is riding horses, being free on a ride is so nice. Im also studying and working on different exercises. Volunteering as well. LC is a struggling but knowing you have over come this with an unavoidable LO give me so much hope. I just need to keep my mind in check.
Bravo!!! May you remain free and never be imprisoned again!
Great progress! It’s great relief to see your personal fog lifting.
Rachel, I have been where you are. The feeling that LO never cared (or may actually just be over me), the anger, the bad thoughts, being called acting crazy ;)… you are on a good path. This is a stage I think may be necessary to go through for you to get over him finally. This is actually good. The anger will stay for a while, but slowly fade (veeeery slowly). You’ll see!
Ahh thank you. I do agree this is probably a necessary pain to go through. I just feel a bit in shock now that reality is hitting me. I’m so very pleased your over this! What a mess we got ourselves in!
No kidding… 😟
I also went through this stage and felt angry that LO never really cared. I think anger also comes from the fact that you invested so much time, effort and energy into this person and all for nothing. After 4 months of NC my anger has begun to recede and is slowly being replaced by indifference towards LO. It is important to remember that any emotion we feel towards our LOs will keep us anchored to them. So it’s better to wish them happiness, say goodbye in our heart and use time and LC/NC to break the connection.
Me too! Another person stuck on the anger-band-wagon. Anger that this shit is now going into its 3rd year, anger that LO can be so indifferent while I am the twit who thinks about him 24×7, anger how I’ve let this control my mind and life, anger that I am having so much trouble letting go. Oh the list goes on and on and on.
Today I was completely occupied with LO as routines go back to normal and I was stressing I’d bump into him. I lost my phone twice and forgot the $20 in the ATM (ran back just in time!)
“”Nobody values freedom more than a former prisoner.”” – I can’t wait to be FREE
Hi Rachel. When the horror and the shock of things finally wears off you’ll eventually be kind of indifferent and philosophical about the whole thing. The pain will dull, I promise. Hang in there!
@Fellowlim yes I agree so much any sort of emotion is keeping us tied to them. Im going to try and focus of the letting go and wishing him the best. It’s to much negative energy inside me. Thank you.
@Lee-Anne I feel you so much. I went into the back of someone causing a huge insurance claim. This was becuase all the swirling thoughts over LO. I’m doing a lot of meditation just lately and it seems to be helping a little.
@Jaideux thank you so much. I am feeling a little lighter today and a little bit clearer headed. So I’m making the most of feeling good as it’s been months of hell. I pray for more of these days. I can’t wait until I’m out of the fog and I can help others in this site just you all have
When I was in the throws of a multi-year LE I drove right smack into the side of a car turning left right in FRONT of me….because I was so lost in thought about LO who had turned cold for a spell. Fortunately nobody was hurt, but my insurance went up! I should have taken that as a cautionary tale and gone NC, but it took me several more years to finally do it. You are making much quicker progress than I did! Keep up the good work! You got this!
Well it’s like a spectrum of 1= totally in love (or completely limerent) to -1= hating the person. The goal is to end up at 0 being indifferent.
But the way I see it, anger is good, as something has changed and the needle jumped from the positive side to the negative. It’s like a pendulum swinging back and forth, eventually the extremes get less and it will slowly swing around the 0.
Sarah, I go from adoration to anger about 100 times a day, it does my head in.
I seriously wish I could walk past LO and not give a flying toss……. I am a long, long way from feeling indifferent, I haven’t felt indifference towards him for about 2.5 years.
I’d kill for indifference!!
Right now I am watchful and waiting, routines have resumed and I am waiting to see if life goes back to normal or if LO has permanently disappeared from my social scene. We’ve been N/C for 7 weeks now. Yes I know I shouldn’t give a shit but I do. I think if he’s gone it will kick my anger up another notch, it might be the kick up the ass I need to stay N/C.
Part of me wants him to take the decision out of my hands and the other part is petrified I’ll never see him again. I then feel depressed, an emotion I am trying really, really hard to stay away from.
Lee-Anne, NC is the best you can do. I was fortunate to annoy my LO that much and passively show him that I don’t wish to stay friends that he gave up and left me alone, which I am really really glad.
I even tested it once by reaching out via text to get a reaction, and he basically showed me as well that he couldn’t care less.
Our last conversation in person ended with him asking me when he’ll see me again, and I replied that I don’t know and walked away. I think that killed it for us finally.
You need to get to a mindset where it is ok that he is out of your live, that there is no reason for him to be there, and that that it is no loss to you.
I don’t want to be friends with LO. Being friends is not the next best thing if you can’t be together. I wanted to be with him during my limerence highs, but for various reasons that was not an option. Staying friends is not possible for me, cause I feel/felt that I always want more. We had such a special connection, but I cannot have such a connection with anyone other than my SO. So if LO is not becoming my SO, LO has to go. There is literally no room for LO, there is nothing to seek from him (anymore). I wouldn’t mind having LO as an ‘acquaintance’, he is not a bad person and I appreciate him and his opinions very much, but too much has happened that that would be possible.
“It is important to remember that any emotion we feel towards our LOs will keep us anchored to them. ”
I completely agree! I continue to move towards indifference and away from anger.
Ok how about the emotion of almost repulsion (as you notice their narcissistic tendencies) and the feeling of ‘what the heck was I thinking comparing this LO to my truly amazing SO’? I can bring this feeling almost immediately while recounting certain situations/ LO’s behavior. It does lead to some self-anger but I think it’s maybe a step towards stopping to idolize them..
YES! The repulsion! It’s so healthy but sad and sickening at the same time! Definitely a step towards knocking them off their pedestal!