As responsible parents trying to raise well-adjusted children, my wife and I will occasionally expose them to important, soul-enriching cultural touchstones. You know: museums, art galleries, opera. And 80s music.

Well we recently listened to some Eurythmics, and in particular this rather splendid number:
Although I remembered it well, I’d never really listened to it, as it were.
Was there ever a song more obviously about limerence?
A lot of songs are clearly inspired by limerence (we have a whole thread here, and Scharnhorst does sterling work with his song-of-the-day treats scattered through the comments), but there aren’t so many that are direct meditations on the phenomenon of compulsive romantic obsession.
It’s savage and it’s cruel
And it shines like destruction
Comes in like the flood
And it seems like religion
Lyrics to luxuriate in – “shines like destruction” – but also such a good capturing of the weird contradictions of limerence. That sense of being battered by it, drowned by it, but also awed and transported.
And that chorus…
And I want you
And I want you
And I want you so
It’s an obsession
I think most of us recognise that craving – but it’s not as if it really affects us that badly…?
It distorts and deranges
And it wrenches you up
And you’re left like a zombie…
Oh. Yeah.
And that point when you realise you need to stop, that it’s taking over your life, and that you need to free yourself? Surely you can just leave LO behind and get back to your old life? You couldn’t still want them after all the overwhelm?
It touches and it teases
As you stumble in the debris
It’s completely brilliant when you rediscover some art that has meaning you never noticed of the first time you encountered it. I was seven when this came out, and enjoyed it in much the same way as my nine year old son does now: good tune, seems to be about love (which adults seem strangely obsessed with).
I also kind of remember the Eurythmics winning all the music awards in the eighties, which just seemed tedious at the time.
Decades later, I get the chance to appreciate just how good they were.
To be honest, I don’t know wheter I am obsessed with him or do I have limerence?
I will give a short summary. In 2014 I met this guy in my class. Until this day, I do not find him attractive, only specific parts of his body like his hands and shoulders. Whenever I saw him, I was nervous, I did not want to fail infront of him (meaning that I don’t want to smell bad, have something on my face or bad grades), if I saw him in a group I did not go to him because that would make me look desperate and if he hugged me or gave me compliments infront of my other classmates I felt like a queen.
But then I found out he had a girlfriend. So my response was: I am going to be everything that your girlfriend isn’t. That was his punishment for not telling me that he had a girlfriend. I am going to be sweet (because she wasn’t), supportive (because she wasn’t). All this was via texting because I couldn’t say a word when I was with him. Sometimes I could, sometimes I couldn’t…
Years passed by and one day he told me he loved me. Due to situations we were never together. After a couple of months he had a new girlfriend. I felt horrible. I couldn’t look at myself in the mirror. So I decided to imply the no contact rule. It worked. I was finally happy that he found someone new, someone better than his old gf.
But months passed by and I still miss him. We still have contact but whenever I do not hear him, I’m feeling empty and useless. Crying all the time. Worried for the day when he will get married meaning that we can never talk to each other…
I feel bad for writing this because I have a feeling that I just ”use” him to fill up my void. He gave me everything I never had: love, a warm feeling, hugs, told me things I have never heard before in my life. Now it is 2020 and I am obsessing over him for 6 years…
Hi Catherine, and welcome. To answer your first question: there’s not a huge amount of difference between limerence and “obsessed with him”. Big overlap in those categories!
The most striking thing about your story is that you seem to be almost a bystander in events: he gets a girlfriend, he declares love for you, situations mean you can’t be together. Meanwhile you are caught in your internal world getting overwhelmed by emotion and wondering what it all means.
One of the key philosophies here is that limerence happens in our heads, so it is up to us to change the script. You’re still missing him because it feels like unfinished business, and that it was never resolved to your satisfaction. Could that be because you didn’t take action at the time? That nagging feeling of doubt often comes from knowing you’ve passively reacted to circumstances, rather than been able to actively decide to live with purpose – to be honest with yourself and others about what you want.
Ultimately, this isn’t a problem he can solve for you. It’s something you need to understand about yourself. Why you reacted as you did when given love, warm feelings, and care. What it is that he represents for you, and why that touches you so deeply.
Getting to know yourself better is the surest way of finding peace over this.
Dr. L., as I ponder my LOs through my years, the one major difference for me between an LE and all my other obsessions/fascinations/crushes/whatevers was the non-sexual nature of my desire for my LOs. All the others were eventually about sex in one way or another. But my LOs… completely not sexual. Just this incredibly deep pining and yearning to be with them and nobody else, as if somehow they were my “soulmate.” And this is despite cognitively knowing that I didn’t even know them that well, which is why with my recent LO, I was constantly kicking myself for why I was feeling this way.
It’d be hilarious if she were on this site, though. I suspect she’s just as screwed up as I am.
Song of the Day: “Higher Love” – Steve Winwood (1986)
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=524Tf0dNRNw
“I could light the night up with my soul on fire
I could make the sun shine from pure desire”
LO #2 loved this song
Great choice!
The 80s is my favorite decade. My wife says my development was arrested sometime around 1988. She says she doesn’t get my fondness for it. Then, again, she was 15 when it started and 25 and married to me when it ended. She didn’t have much to compare it to.
I was never a super big Eurythmics fan but I love Annie Lennox’ voice and the raunchy sax they use. You just know there’s something deep in that woman from what she sings and the way she sings it. You just know there’s something very interesting somewhere in that Cracker Jack box.
My personal favorite is “Thorn In My Side.” https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_AmkmqYEarw It’s on my playlist of “FYLO Songs.”
Since you brought it up…
“(we have a whole thread here, and Scharnhorst does sterling work with his song-of-the-day treats scattered through the comments)” – I think it’s time to renegotiate my contract. I think I’m worth at least double what you’re paying me now. Maybe, triple. 🙂
I’d be happy to multiply your current pay by literally any number! 😉
I’m glad you see it my way.
I knew you were a reasonable man.
Did you have your kids listen to “There Must Be An Angel (Playing With My Heart)?” I should have probably put it in one of the Twin Flames blogs.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TlGXDy5xFlw
For me, this song has a backstory. In the 80s, I was more into fitness than I am now. Ok, this was pre-LO #2 and I had a thing for the aerobics instructor. She used this song as her cooldown song after cardio. I ended up investing in an aerobics studio with her. She used her engagement ring (she wasn’t engaged by the time I met her) as collateral. She defaulted and I got the ring. It was a carat and decent quality.
When we got engaged, I told my fiancee I had it and where I got it. She asked if I’d ever slept with the woman, I told her no (true). Since I had never been romantically involved with that woman, she had no problem remounting the stone. She’s still wearing it.
Every time I hear that song, I think of walking around in circles in that studio.
Yeah, that’s probably my favourite Eurythmics number (and just focussed on the positives of infatuated euphoria).
Quite different from their synth-pop foundations.
The Black Keys – ‘The Only One’ does a good job describing the strong pull of limerent life. Couldn’t help being sucked into a mutual limerence at work (I’m the slowest in and painfully the slowest out) being the people pleaser that I am and one with an overactive fantasy life (fights the humdrum). After a year of uncertainty, hope, freaking out, ups and downs, and not getting any better, I was accused by LO of being too hot and cold (classic fearful avoidant due to SO’s, co-workers noticing attention-yikes!)… My response was to say well aware and I would try to do better! Sigh 🙁 The horrible limerent dance continued, albeit hidden mood swings. I finally went to a therapist who recommended disclosure to my spouse. Ouch! Eventually I gave up my job and as soon as I gave the hard no, I’m not coming back, there was NC. Feel so thankful for this website. It so well explains the spiral and even though my practical self knew I was falling down the rabbit hole, my limerent self would not and seemingly could not stop it. Even my music vids saved on YouTube reflect the journey, starting with Bjorn & John ‘Young Folks’ and ending with Pearl Jam’s ‘Indifference ‘ and all kinds of moody music between (think Guster’s Satellite and Amber Run’s I Found). I’ve experienced much pain, learned a lot about FOO, response to authority, attachment styles, how to prevent, and am reverting back to my secure and peaceful self. I have an angry but amazingly supportive SO. He’s still wondering what the hell happened after so many years. Me too but am figuring it out! NC is helping; it’s a relief to be honest. Thanks again Dr L and all the commentators – glad to know I’m not alone, rattling around in my limerent brain.
Welcome R-IH-L, and congrats! Sounds like you’ve weathered the storm and come out the other side with life intact. That’s no small thing…
Daily battle isn’t it? Onward and upward! Thanks so much!
That’s a brilliant musical definition of limerence! And the video is worth careful analysis ! (how did I miss this gem?). The scene where she is being strangled by film reel: it’s us being choked by the ruminations of the movie of our “relationship”. Genius that is.
I love the Eurythmics now more than ever.
Obessions, ruminations and limerance? Color me surprised. I have OCD and anxiety. Those two like to tango with eachother like crazy. I wonder why they never added Limerance to DSM? Not enough research? I thought Dr Tennov left enough for the psychiatric community to consider.
So funny that you posted this–yesterday I spent an unfortunate amount of time ruminating on my LE/LO (no contact since January) and a song popped into my head and wouldn’t leave me alone for the rest of the day. Going father back than yours, let’s dip into some Michael McDonald with “What a Fool Believes.” Scharnhorst may have referenced this one already, but I mean: “She had a place in his life/He never made her think twice/As he rises to her apology anybody else would surely know he’s watching her go/But what a fool believes, he sees/No wise man has the power to reason away/What seems to be is always better than nothing/Nothing at all”
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XZ2ZgA3S_rc
P.S. Really, really struggling with maintaining NC right now. It was (I think, but who knows?) mutual limerence, I ended contact in January to save my marriage and get my life back. At that point we were no longer working together and there was no way to stay in contact that even had the illusion of legitimacy. Sent him a bit of an emotional goodbye note, not disclosure but bordering on it, and he responded by saying “We’ll connect soon.” Didn’t hear a word from him for months after. I went through many stages of grief but knew it was the right thing for me and for both of our marriages. Then in mid-April, out of nowhere, he texts me (never EVER had texted me before, we only communicated via work messaging) to say he hoped my family was well in the pandemic and he’d like to reconnect when the world calms down.
I was stunned, and thrilled, and angry, and sick to my stomach all at once. I told my husband and never responded to my LO. I’ve thought of a million responses in the past 6 weeks, but something about not responding makes me feel more powerful. I was always the one seeking his attention and he was the one responding (he responded PLENTY but would never initiate). Part of me feels good and strong at leaving it like this, with him reaching out and me being the one to say “no.” But you fellow limerents know the other part of me is desperately longing to know what he wants, what he means by “reconnect.” He probably means say hi, or professionally reconnect, or even get that attention back because it sure was ego-boosting. But on days like yesterday, my limerent brain thinks “reconnect” means “finally profess all his hidden feelings” and I can hardly bear it. What a fool believes…
FlyByNight my advice is to keep your power. In moments of lucidity you’ll find the satisfaction and relief of keeping a little dignity.
Yes, I agree. In Dr. L’s deprogramming course he refers to that as a step up and out towards freedom from the grip of the LE, rather than a step back down into the pit.
Happy to report I am 95.5% out of the pit. Dr. L’s techniques really work. Just takes time, patience and perserverance. And fortitude. And self forgiveness for relapses. And support, like the community here. Thanks everyone!
I think the success lies in all those little choices all along the way…
PS: I love Annie Lennox
Very good advice, Jaideux. I always appreciate your comments on here and agree with this one completely. When I’m tempted I ask myself how I would feel if I responded and then he didn’t write back, or if he wrote back and it was cryptic, or worse, generic. Hard pass on the wondering, the waiting, the hoping, the reading between the lines. It’s been a while since I tried on dignity–nice to see it still fits. 🙂
Hey there FBN, I enjoy your comments too. 🙂 I had a very close call over the weekend…I was reading an article on forgiveness and peacemaking and suddenly felt an overwhelming desire to reach out to LO to make sure we were all good and that he wasn’t upset with me for ghosting him. I was justifying it as “peacemaking”. I called a trusted friend and armed with what I know from this site and the potential of self deception as to true motives put everything out on the table. Fortunately my friend pointed out that was not nursing a grudge and that I didn’t part with rancor (I just went NC) and the risks of contact far outweighed any misguided guilt (or secret desire for a LO hit!). I fortunately was snatched from the edge of the cliff and now that I have regained my senses am so glad I didn’t break NC! Dignity still in tact? Affirmative.
Phew! Very pleased you didn’t go down that path! Could have been fatal. Well done you.
Uh… the peacemaking argument trap! Sneaky brain. Glad you realized your own deception and kept your dignity! 🙂
It’s amazing with what justification the brain comes up with to have to reach out to LO!
Hey Rachel and Sarah…
Such a close call! I felt this avalanche of emotion and desire to “resolve any bad feelings” I may have caused…and it all seemed so noble and altruistic…but upon closer inspection….dangerous and UNNECESSARY.
I have also decided to no longer allow myself to pre-plan how I will handle running into former LO. (It’s inevitable due to our circles). Sarah as you advised earlier…neutral, professional, friendly. That’s all I need to remember. No rehearsed script. Those rehearsals are kissing cousins to rumination.
Maybe we should view any future random encounter as if we were celebrities ,(ha!) if a fan came up to us we of course wouldn’t give out private info or get into a deep or personal conversation, and would keep things very surface and pleasant and then move on. Smile for the camera!
Always in control, always keeping the power balance where it should be. Always knowing our worth and tacitly defending it.
Guards up fellow limerents!
🙂
Exactly, Jaideux. Neutral, professional, friendly!
I like your celebrity analogy. And a celebrity meets so many people, they don’t even remember the people they have met. So just pretend you don’t remember everything that happened. 😝
Had that song in my head as I was working yesterday, probably had it on 8 track, pretty much nails limerence.
OMG, Dr L.
Nailed it.
Bravo!
We must be the same age!
I’ve been listening to old songs too, and it IS like you are really hearing the song for the first time! I had just this same thought the other day. I also wondered, hmmmm. . . . maybe Mom and Dad were experiencing mid-life limerence too? Looking back, they both had some telltale signs. . . .and well, genetics are a bitch.
I mentioned my “crush” to my elderly mother a few years ago, and she said to me, “people should just fuck each other and keep their mouths shut” and “you are just building a fantasy of what you want him to be in your head.” She seemed to be quite the authority on this subject. . . .
So, I just reached the six month mark since that night when I met my LO. I have been thinking about that a lot over the last few days. Still NC, but I think about her quite a bit, although I try to redirect my thoughts. I am still trying to figure out what to do about my marriage. Things aren’t great and it’s killing me (the problem is they aren’t so terrible either that I know I must definitely move towards divorce). One thing I am starting to wonder is if my limerence is actually holding me back from doing something about my marriage. That may sound really strange, but let me explain.
For a long time, I was worried about making any changes because my subconscious might be pushing me towards separation with the goal of eventually hooking up with my LO. I read some advice on another site warning against making any major life changes while in a state of limerence. That makes perfect sense, but I am starting to wonder if it could work the other way around too? Am I so worried that my limerence is pushing me in that direction that I am ignoring what my mind is telling me and deciding not to leave my wife when I know deep down that is probably for the best, limerence or not? Could I be overcompensating for the limerence when all my LE was telling me is something I knew deep down all along? I am still not about to do anything rash, and there are still some very good reasons for keeping my marriage intact, but things aren’t good at all in my marriage and family life despite the fact there is love, companionship, tenderness and shared memories. I hate these feelings, and I wish limerence wasn’t so much of a factor here. I know I would be a fool to end my marriage to chase after a woman I barely know who didn’t show me any real interest, but I also know she was only the canary in the coalmine telling me something was deeply wrong in my marriage. I have tried counselling and reading up on this, but I just feel more confused than ever.
Great article Dr. L!
I have actually realized only recently that I have a limerent soundtrack to accompany a few of the LEs from my past. I recently heard “Kiss me” by sixpence none the richer – and it brought me back to a LE I had in college. I then realized that I was selecting stations on my music app with the hopes of these songs coming up. For some of the songs I laughed at myself and couldn’t believe how caught up I had become for that particular LO. In some of the other songs I actually sensed the feelings surge momentarily just from the combination of the music and dwelling on the memories for a bit too long. Its amazing how powerful our memories can be.
Sometimes its cathartic to take those memories out for a spin, dust them off, and dwell in them for a bit, as a way to analyze my current LE. Feels a little self-indulgent, but once in a while, I find a piece of information that helps me understand my current dilemma a little better.
Thanks for the article, Dr. L.
I’ve been doing a bit of indulging myself lately. Music, but also TV shows and movies that take me back to more comfortable, pleasant times. I think it’s an escape from the Lockdown.
Often as you say LJ there’s something new to be gleaned from looking back with the additional experience I have now, especially post LE. A line in a song that resonates now that didn’t used to ( 🎵 “you’re the only star, in the film I never made…” 🎵 – wow so true), a movie plot that reflects what’s happened to me in some way (Sarah Marshall going off with bad boy Russell Brand… 😡)
It’s a useful and uplifting exercise, although I do try to avoid specific songs that I associate directly with LO as that can lead to a dark place.
Anyone that knows my story knows that my limerence has gone on for ages with a neighbour. I have found out that he will be moving end of this week! I feel sad and almost greatful that I have the chance to be free.
I’ve had no contact for about 2months although have passed him out and about and have been ignored by him. I feel crap about myself that I was not able to over come this on my own. My limerence has died down massively but I still think about him pretty much all the time, unless I’m completely distracted. I think that’s becuase there are so many triggers. I don’t know the reason for me writing this. I guess I know I’m going to be a ball of anxiety until he moves. When he moves I will not see him very often and I can be sure to actively avoid places he will be. I guess my last shred of hope is that he will send me one goodbye message.. even though I very much doubt he will. I know this move will absolutely help the limerence die down and force NC, I just feel like I’ve been in this trap for 2 years and what a waste of energy and time. I feel pathetic that I’ve been clinging on to a shred of hope for nothing. I wanted to reach out to anybody who would listen as I’m sure you all know, this battle that we have to deal with on our own keeps us captive in our own mind
That is awesome news, Rachel, finally! This will be good for you! Will you still see him in school or around the kids? Or is he moving further away?
I was in a similar (sorta) situation when I moved offices and daily coffees and lunches were out of question anymore. I was very anxious about “the end” even though I knew it was going to be good for me! I understand how you feel.
It’s totally understandable that you wonder if he reaches out for a last goodbye, maybe even another “closure chat”… my advice would be to refrain from contacting him in any way, try to avoid him. If he does reach out, stay as neutral as you can. A heartfelt closure talk will most likely not happen… nothing that will help
you in anyway (only stirring you up one way or another). Wait it out, let him leave, and finally walk towards your freedom! Good luck in this time now, you are not alone!
Oh and until he is gone, stay busy! Distract yourself as much as you can. That way time will go by a little faster until he is gone! 🙂
Hi Sarah thank you for your advice, really appreciate it. I’m thinking the exactly the same. I will not contact him! Like you said keep busy and sit tight, then I can move on from this. I honestly can not believe how long this has been going for. My efforts of controling my ruminations fail every time I make progress! Although I have been better at keeping at NC and not checking social media. I know when I have some distance I will move on, I will keep your updated.
Hope everything is ok your end.
I’m doing fine, Rachel, thanks for asking.
I have not heard from LO or reached out, and that’s for the best. He pops up in my head still almost daily because it is triggered by something insignificant that just reminds me of him, but it doesn’t evoke any emotional response in me other than “what was I thinking?” And “how did I let this happen?” I must make sure this can never happen again. Not with LO, that is done, but I must understand and be aware of the triggers for any potential future LO – I hope there isn’t one. But if I notice a glimmer, I will dump that glimmer stick under water immediately.
This makes me happy. It feels like we’ve been through the wars mentally. I can not let this ever happen again. This has to be singlehandly the worst and most debilitating time of my life and what’s so bad is that it all going on in our head.
Yeah it’s crazy, yet the neuroscience aspect of it very fascinating. I hope this experience will help me to become a better person somehow.
Rachel: you got this!
Would you say your indifferent about your LO?
Not yet… but close I hope🤞🏻
When on NC, I am fine. Not sure how it would be if I saw him again (accidental or on purpose), I think that would still evoke some physiological reaction.
Rachel I think you should play a little game with yourself where you visualize closing and locking the door on LO, (actually unfollowing on social media could be part of this) and then writing it all down about how YOU made the decision to not reach out to say goodbye, etc. Let the ball be in YOUR court (at least in your mind). It seems that taking charge instead of passively being led on by LO, our minds/hearts, and circumstance is a life lesson we all need and a step toward healing.
You go ahead and set that boundary girl! We are cheering you on!
Good advice, Jaideux.
Here’s a quote from DrL that I wrote down for myself: “Mentally wishing LO bon voyage
When you catch your thoughts drifting back to LO, remember that you have said goodbye.
LO is living their new life, and you are living yours. They will go off and have adventures and disasters, and so will you, but your time together is done. You decided that. Wish them well, and stick to it.”
How do you get past the abject sadness of that? I totally get it and that makes sense, but it makes me so incredibly sad to just accept that our time is done; whatever chance “we” had to be something is past, and We will never be. That mantra may work for some, but it plunges me into a deep depression. I need to try some other type of cognitive therapy. That definitely doesn’t work for me (although again, it makes sense logically). But when has limerence ever been logical?
“How do you get past the abject sadness of that?”
Song of the Day: “You Can’t Always Get What You Want” – The Rolling Stones (1968)
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ovG6tsAeRFY
That’s probably one of the most profound lessons one learns in life.
But, sometimes, you do get both. I got what I wanted from life. I just didn’t get it from the woman I thought I would.
Thanks guys really helpful. I will try the visualization, I remember ‘cutting the emotional cords’ technique in the past but I was clearly not ready to give up. I know once LO moves I can free myself and heal. I have to let go.
Also love that quote from DR L I too tired that in the past but I received a text the next day and carry on as normal. This does feel like the end now. It hurts and it’s sad but I do know the mind can heal from this.
B, it took me almost a year after the point where I realized this is not good for me and I have to let go. I was where you are, I accepted that logic said I have to let go eventually, yet ai needed much more time to be ready to let go of even that last bit of hope that maybe, one day in the future….
@B – limerence isn’t logical at all. All the logic in the world won’t stop you feeling the loss of LO. Acceptance is the destination you need. Not necessarily understanding, just an acceptance that things weren’t meant to be. Call it fate if it helps you, for me it was circumstances – age, marriage, kids, work positions all made it impossible to even discuss let alone act on whatever feelings we both had. So I see it like a romantic tragedy really. Two people that given a different set-up could have been together. And that’s OK, it’s all part of life’s rich tapestry…
@B,
It is sad, super duper sad and hideously tragic. It is the stuff of novels and great opera. Then one day, (around the year mark as Sarah said), the sadness sort of fades, and leaves wistfulness, and then eventually that fades, and then at times you actually get a bad taste in your mouth about the whole thing and become rather objective. No longer are the memories charged with the same emotion, and you become a bit philosophical about it all. On good days I find myself not wanting to think about the whole ridiculous thing (which is incredible!). There will be some dips in this trajectory along the way, but eventually your heart really will heal. I hope to eventually distill some fond memories that aren’t laced with remorse or longing, and that (along with some intense life lessons) will be my consolation prize.
Thanks all for your posts on this thread – it has helped me a lot.
@B “How do you get past the abject sadness of that?” – I resonate with this completely! I do not feel at all ready to let go, despite trying desperately to convince myself I should. I get occasional days of lucidity that push me into focusing on my anti-rumination tactics but that resolve rarely lasts. It sometimes feel like I must just be weak willed. I guess at some point, like Sarah said, I will make the firm, lasting decision to let go. But for now, I shall just stick to my mental diet of rumination interspersed with mindfulness and self-compassion practices, and live with as much purpose as I can.
@Rachel, feeling like you’re trapped in a prison of your own making, feeling alone, disappointed at how much time you’ve completely wasted… I hear ALL of that! :-$
It’s hard. I feel like of could openly tell our friends and family this would really push us forward to have support from loved ones. But as we all know, little people understand limerence and most people carry a lot of shame due to their marriage or are limerent for an inappropriate LO.
Carrying around all these thoughts and feelings in silence is extremely hard and weighing
Except… you’re not alone 😊 you got people that understand how you feel and that support you on this site!
You are so right Sarah and I have appreciated your words of encouragement so much. Thank you! You have really helped me
Likewise! 😊
I’ve just saw a friend who saw LO the other day and she said she couldn’t believe how happy LO was. I’ve come home and just can’t stop sobbing. I’ve just deleted everything about LO. I don’t know why I feel so hurt I really am in bits! O just want this pain to go away 😓
Maybe that’s the final push you need to delete all social media etc.
It’s hard Rachel, but soon it’ll be over, soon! A few more days, you got this! Sob ahead, get it out of your system, then dry the tears and keep your head up high (especially if you see him).
LO actually chatted me at work today, out of the blue, my heart skipped a little bit. Not of excitement though, i don’t know why exactly. I remembered Jaideux: friendly, neutral, professional! I did some small talk about work, did not ask any questions about him personally, then excused myself to attend a meeting! I call this success 🙂
Thank you 😊
Oh wow sounds like you handled it like a pro. How did that leave you feeling after the event? Did any ruminations start? I can imagine you heart skipping a beat a little. Probably a bit of a shock? Sounds like you got it all under control now.
I felt fine afterwards. Yeah, I feel in control. Next level to clear on the road to freedom: seeing him in person (whenever that happens, hopefully not anytime soon :)) my charity event got cancelled due to covid-19, so I won’t see him there this year.
Rachel I know that feeling EXACTLY…how could they move on and be so happy when they left us in agony? It seems inexplicable!
But it is what it is, now we go and heal our wounds and eventually we find an ongoing honest happiness within ourselves, and we shore up our weak and needy parts until we are whole and we will never allow someone to play us again. We will never allow ourselves to be in such a vulnerable and unhealthy relationship again. And if they remain happy with their new love, or do not, it just doesn’t matter. They no longer concern us.
Sarah I got the ‘friendly, neutral, professional’ line from you! <3
Thanks Jaideux! It’s hard facing the reality. It hurts but soon I won’t be able to see LO and what he’s up too and I know that’s my life to heal and move on. I have lots of positive things in my life to concentrate on when LO moves. I struggle to let go but when I can go NC fully I can see it will fade as my life takes over and I start putting what matters to me most first.
@jaideux: yeah and I forgot I actually said that until you mentioned it again 😊
As you say, if they are happy or not, it doesn’t matter. But we (should) wish them the best!
I once had a conversation with my last LO about potent love songs. I mentioned The Winner Takes It All by Abba — wow did that become a self fulfilling prophecy.
That’s one of my favorite ABBA songs.
But, in my head, it’s LO #2 singing it after I met my wife and kicked her to the curb.
Song of the Day: “The Winner Takes It All” – ABBA (1980)
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tXFa7D41_ww
Apparently, there’s a sequel to it, “When All Is Said and Done.” (1981)
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-yT2jltVwDM
I was looking at the lyrics and there was great comment:
“Comparing this song to the earlier breakup song “The Winner Takes It All” shows the direction in Abba’s work that The Visitors took. Where “The Winner Takes It All” was a dramatic expression of the pain of rejection, “When All Is Said And Done” describes a more mature and amicable parting of two people who know their relationship is over.” – grenadillagoat
“A more mature and amicable parting of two people who know their relationship is over.” Why don’t more relationships end this way? If I ever separated, I would want it to be that way, but I don’t think my wife would go for it even though it was discussed recently and she seemed to understand my perspective on it.
My wife and I almost separated yet again earlier this week. The catalyst was her verbally and emotionally abusing my daughter once again (my daughter isn’t an angel, but my wife is far too intense and ridiculously unfair towards her). Again, I felt nothing but calmness and peace when it looked like she was actually going to leave (she even threatened to quit her job and move back to her hometown). Of course, there were thoughts of going after my LO at some point in the future, but I don’t think it was primarily about her.
In the end, we reconciled, but I did let my wife know I am deeply unhappy in our marriage and family life and that the spark is gone. I told her we need counselling to try to get over this, but we might not actually make it as a couple. I also think I was successfully able to tell her it isn’t about my LO, and I think she truly began to see for the first time that the woman is totally innocent and doesn’t need my wife confronting her or any ridiculous nonsense like that. I even think I got my wife to see that I truly do love her, but that it takes more than that to make a marriage work. I also think she understood me when I told her I didn’t want to devalue our memories and our time spent together, and that if we did go our separate ways I would like it to be as two people who love each other but weren’t meant to be together forever.
So, I think I would say I finally had that “difficult conversation” I’ve been talking about for a couple of months now. It felt good to get it off my chest. She understandably doesn’t want the threat of divorce hanging over us whenever we fight, and I agree, but she has to realize that I cannot continue to live like this forever. Despite our reconciliation, I am still recoiling when she wants to be affectionate, and my wife and daughter had another screaming meltdown fight with hateful words spoken and fits of uncontrollable rage just yesterday. Some things never change. Even though this isn’t about me personally, I am constantly having to act as a mediator and no one should have to live like this. It will be damaging to my daughter, and she will even hate me if I don’t take her out of this toxic environment one way or another. Stay tuned for more updates in the coming weeks.
Hi guys, first time posting here so be gentle! I’m 41 and struggling at present. Currently limerent for my fiancés sons girlfriend. Strong Limerence for her for around 2 years, which has intensified in recent weeks. She is 26. I have known her 7 years and see her every day (even during these times of isolation). She is beautiful, friendly and outgoing. I feel we get on really well, however she gets on well with everyone. I have a fiancé who I love dearly and we are getting married next September. I have not disclosed any of this to her.
I have had recurring Limerence since the age of 14, all LO’s being unavailable. I seem to attach to anyone who is friendly to me and attractive. All previous LO’s have been work colleagues who have moved jobs so I transferred my Limerence to someone else. I basically have lived with Limerence in the background my whole life. I am a twin, my father was a functioning alcoholic and my mother shows/showed very little affection in childhood. My father died when I was 24. I am probably what you call an introvert, have no friends and really struggle to bond with most people. I tend to blend into the background and have been told I am passive.
I am 99% certain my current LO has no feelings for me, but I guess the 1% is feeding my obsession at present. I know really she is not interested so I am just ploughing on trying to get through it the best I can. My heart aches, I am ruminating and not sleeping very well in the last few weeks. Reading this website has helped tremendously in the past but just struggling to come to terms with this one as I can’t see the situation changing. Any help would be greatly appreciated.
Hey, this seems really difficult and you must be feeling a whole mix of emotions. I’m currently in a bad place myself but there are others here who have such great advice and Dr L has lots of resources to help, the most helping being the emergency course. I too have suffered with limerence my whole life and in hoping this time is my last. Good luck
Hey Michael,
Sorry to hear about your dilemma. That’s a tough one. I agree with Rachel, the Emergency Deprogramming Course is really good. There are good tools, action steps and a very systematic approach. At first you feel great because you are moving in the right direction, but as Dr. L warns, the going gets slower and you have to really buckle down and plow through. Here is the link:
https://courses.livingwithlimerence.com/courses/emergency-deprogramming-course
Then another thought is to really dig deep and look at the “roots”, as described in this post:
https://livingwithlimerence.com/2019/07/19/spotting-trouble-los-to-avoid/
Lots of good resources here and it seems like most everyone is really kind.
Good luck!
Hi Michael, and welcome.
It sounds like you have a clear idea about the situation intellectually, and recognise the 99% probability that your LO is not interested, but have got stuck in an emotional limbo that has dragged on for too long. So the challenge is to get your heart to recognise the important message your head is sending.
With the benefit of access to email addresses, I can see that you are on the E.D. course already, so you know about two things that I suspect have hit you – the recovery plateau (you’ve won the intellectual battle, but the old CBT ideas aren’t so potent anymore) and the particular difficulty of friendly LOs who you cannot go No Contact with (without causing all new problems while trying to solve the old one).
I think the root of this is your continued admiration of LO. She is in your life as a positive force, and you are looking at this from the perspective of loss and pain. Reframing that is going to be necessary to get your mind out of a depressive cycle on back on to hope.
My gut feeling (appropriately?) is that you need to work on this at the emotional level, so using the reprogramming tactics that provoke a strong emotional response (both positive and negative) rather than at the intellectual level. That might also need some deep work (with the help of a pro) on your childhood experiences and how they have shaped your limerence propensities. Out of interest, were you limerent for your fiancee?
Thanks for your replies guys, I have completed the ED course and without doubt it helped initially. Dr L to answer your question I was not limerent for my fiancée. I had known her a while before we hooked up and we are now together 7 years.
My LO is beautiful, funny and friendly. I am struggling most with trying to disengage with her, it’s very difficult as we are in each other’s company so much. I also don’t want to come across as rude or ignorant as I’m sure my fiancée and her family would notice. Any advice regarding this?
In terms of purposeful living I have taken up golf in the last couple of weeks! It has given me something else to think about. However, I still go to sleep and wake up in the morning thinking of my LO. It racks me with guilt, shame and feelings of worthlessness all the time. Really fed up with it at this stage and want to be able to manage it better if and when it resurfaces in the future.
Hi Michael,
Your LO has all those wonderful qualities, but so do lots of other people, really. I never could reimagine LO as anything less than wonderful, and could not engage successfully in the disparaging techniques. It was so hard for the glimmer to stop shimmering. But now that I am finally out the other side, I finally see LO as just ordinary again.
I used all the other techniques that are presented here. But what really helped the most was filling up the emotional holes that I didn’t know that I even had. Figuring them out was the puzzle. Once I did that, the solutions, the hole filling opportunities just started to show up. Or maybe with that awareness, I was able to see the opportunities. For that, I am actually grateful for this LE.
So I think that is what Dr. L is gently trying to get you to look out. Interestingly for you, you have a situation you can’t just walk away from. Can you see that this is an opportunity for growth that you are almost forced to go through? It looks like the only way for you is straight through the middle of it. Golf is great; all that time outdoors and getting good exercise and learning a new skill can be very rewarding. But the real challenge, the real adventure lies within you.
That does fit with the idea that unattainable people are your limerent vulnerability. They must be representing something to you – some emotional need to have a fantasy-figure in your life – particularly as you have learned that they are interchangeable (i.e. when one co-worker LO moves on, another takes their place).
It sucks that you have now ended up with a new LO who is linked to your family. That means you have to do the deep work of understanding what need you are trying to satisfy for yourself with LOs, while your latest avatar is around in your life as a constant distraction. As Bert says, the root of this is within you and what emotional holes you are filling with limerence. Try and reframe it as life finally forcing you to confront the fact that you have been using limerence as a way of evading deeper issues for years. Sooner or later you were going to have to face that reality – and this LO has made it impossible to keep up the status quo.
Golf is a great idea, and also has an added opportunity: try and take those restful moments while walking the fairways to think about who you are, why you seek comfort in LOs, and what other options you have to find alternative, healthy sources of reward and satisfaction.
Another option (depending on your relationship) is to confide in your twin and recruit him as an accountability champion. He may also have insight into the root causes, if he has had the same experiences of limerence as you…
Good luck!
Michael,
Have you read DrL’s articles on “glimmer?” If you want to understand things, I recommend that’s where you start. What’s the attraction to your LO? There are a lot of attractive, intelligent, utterly charming people in the world but LOs are in a class by themselves. What’s different between your SO and your LO?
We have some similarities in our backgrounds. I can’t make a direct link to my mother with LO #1 because we didn’t spend all that long together but I can make the connection for LOs #2 – #4.
Golf has everything you want in a hobby. It’s expensive, time consuming, and drinking during and after a round is socially acceptable. However, at the height of my last LE, it didn’t do squat for helping the rumination. Getting out of the house for 6+ hours left my mind free to roam and that wasn’t helping. I found myself checking her social media on the tee box between holes. Lame, but true. That went away as things started resolving themselves.
I should probably add some more context.
The environment that facilitated my last LE was there were problems in my marriage and with my son that got me to revisit some decisions I’m made in my life and to look for distractions in my head from my real life problems. I found one. LO #4 hit a long dormant vulnerability I had, her life went south, she got inside my head, and I ended up in an emotional affair with her.
Update, got my life back !
I write this post to thank all of you dear fellow limerents, thank you Dr L for your never ending wisdom, thank you @sharnhorst for supporting everyone here.
After 8 exhausting months of being a slave to my hormones I finally see freedom waiting for me.
After my divorce ( and I’m happy about my divorce) LO and me had a huge fight where he told me he wanted to meet again but I should not have expectations (this coming from someone who told me he loved me 3 weeks ago) and that was the limit.
I was done. I was done with staring at my phone hoping he would text me, done with limerence, done with obsession, done with being an addict, done with sleepiness nights, not being able to simple be happy. I was so sick and tired of this s*it . I wanted my life back and be the best mum I could be after my divorce.
So I sent a nice text to LO to decline his idea to meet and thanked him for the nice memories. ( With my last piece of dignity I stayed nice instead of using every curse word I could think off) and made my decision. I want to be me again, I want to be happy without the high.
The two weeks after I went through hell and back, vomiting, unstoppable crying, screaming in my pillow. ( No Sharnhorst , my son was not there 😉
I couldn’t work I couldn’t hear music ( still can’t ) lost 10 pounds, but I was so determined and thought about the words of Dr L, freedom is around the corner..just go through the pain.
And today ( although I must say there is a huge difference in the mornings and the evenings) for the first time, I smiled. I looked at something silly on TV and I smiled.
I feel I’m getting my life back, slowly but surely. I found a therapist who off course didn’t know about limerence but she listens without putting a label on me.
I can not describe how good it feels to have freedom waiting for me.
I want to tell you all, it will get better.
And again thank you from the bottom of my heart.
This is amazing. Keep going and don’t look back ☺️
Thank you, ! I catch myself sometimes slipping very sneaky into thought as ” since I’m almost over him, I might as well see him ” but I know it’s my limerent brain manipulating me, protesting that I will never see him again, that we will never (my L brain doesn’t like the word never, but prefers words as maybe, might etc) take that Holliday we always talked about.
But never is the exact right word.
Congratulations Mia!
Be prepared for some trip ups as you keep running toward freedom but don’t let that stop you from getting back up and keep running for your life!
I think there is much to look forward to, you will find that you will become a more interesting person as the drug detoxes out of your system and your reclaim past interests and cultivate new ones! For yourself…not to impress LO or anyone else.
It feels so good to find yourself again, and can only really be done when the limerent spell is broken. Good job!
Thank you so much Jaideux, I’m aware and a bit scared of the trip ups, I don’t want to be overly confident or high on the freedom. I know this is not a two week work. I will keep visiting this site as a back up plan. Good luck to you too!
Song of the Day: “Guadalcanal March ” – Richard Rogers, “Victory at Sea”
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XhqaPumDBSo
Way to go!
“After my divorce ( and I’m happy about my divorce) LO and me had a huge fight where he told me he wanted to meet again but I should not have expectations (this coming from someone who told me he loved me 3 weeks ago) and that was the limit.”
Those LOs can say the darndest things…
I admire your restraint. Something like that warranted a “F— You! Just, F— You!”
I deleted my 13 page history of my relationship with LO #2 at work but I made a list of her most famous quotes. There are 3 pages of them and I have them under a BS name at work. Assuming they don’t flat out piss you off to the point where you want to smack them, they can leave you wondering, “What?! Did you just say that!?”
Scene: A restaurant in West Seattle on a late Saturday morning in early December, 1987. Our hero just couldn’t help himself when LO #2 called a few weeks prior and asked if they could meet for a drink when she was in town and agreed. We pick up the scene after Scharnhorst has wrangled it out of LO #2 that his successor is allegedly cheated on her and she’s looking for a shoulder to cry on. [That part of the discussion is pretty funny in itself but would make the post realllly long.]
Scharnhorst: “Cutting to the chase. Do you want to get back together?”
LO #2: “No.”
Scharnhorst: “Will this relationship ever be what I want it to be?”
LO #2: “No. You should find some sweet young thing that adores you and not waste your time with a crusty old broad like me.”
Scharnhorst: “Then why did you call me and why am I here?”
LO #2: “You’re still my best friend…”
There was some more after that.
I told that story to the therapist. She laughed. She said while played it well, it was not the response LO #2 was hoping for. The therapist said I must have frustrated the s–t out of LO #2 [she used the word s–t].
This march is going to be blasting out of my speakers !
For me, the song Alone by Heart is the all time lyrical representation of limerence. It’s probably situational for me, since my LE is as unique as anyone else’s. But yeah. That song though… gets me, even after 5 years of this godforsaken obsession that just never dies. And every time you think you’re just about over it, something stupid resurfaces it. Uhhhg…..
It’s funny. I have mentioned and posted links to several songs on this site over the past few months, but I can’t help but think this one makes me think of limerence more than any other (particularly for those of us married limerents who have feelings for someone else). I resisted posting this before because it is kind of cheesy, and it is so NOT my musical tastes, but I remember this song from back in the 70s (I was just a kid). The song is It’s Sad to Belong, by England Dan and John Ford Coley: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-R0T_gNFwd4 (“It’s sad to belong to someone else when the right one comes along.)
https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=jo34VhfcetU
After reading Dr.L’s post here I got to thinking about the obsession of limerence and how painstaking it can be even when you know you are in the middle of it and want out. I thought of this song. And while it isn’t the intent of the singer (I actually read an interview where he explains why he wrote it) it could easily be about limerence with almost no change to the lyrics. You could replace “ADD” with “limerence and it feels much like limerence to me. And really since it is about mental illness and things that effect the mind I think you could replace it with almost any ailment and it would work; ADHD, bipolar, anxiety, obsession, etc
Sail by Awolnation
https://youtu.be/2CaypEojjKQ
Sail
This is how I show my love
I made in my mind because
I blame on my ADD baby
This how an angel cries
I blame it on my own sick pride
Blame it on my ADD baby
Sail! Sail! Sail! Sail! Sail!
Maybe I should cry for help
Maybe I should kill myself
Blame it on my ADD baby
Maybe I’m a different breed
Maybe I’m not listening
So blame it on my ADD baby
Sail! Sail! Sail! Sail! Sail!
Sail! Sail! Sail! Sail!
Sail with me into the dark
Sail!
Sail with me into the dark
Sail!
Sail with me into the dark
Sail!
Sail with me
Sail!
“Blame it on my own sick pride” particularly caught my attention to think of the rest the lyrics in the nuance of limerence. In particular because my need to “rescue” LO was my own sick pride. Hopefully I didn’t make the angel cry.
It’s no good by Depeche Mood
It’s got the feeling of destiny, the strange passivity of the limerent, the despair, and the feeling you can’t get away (you can run but you can’t hide).
The don’t say you love me is because all we need is lack of discouragement to think they are secretly obsessing about us as we are them.
https://songmeanings.com/songs/view/5806#addcomment
Annie Lennox is the ultimate gorgeous voice for limerence!
She sings my love and pain.
https://youtu.be/vFmBvowQIJU?si=4-JkI3JIMmQKQOpn