So it’s possible that writing this blog has somewhat distorted my view of the world, but I couldn’t help reading this Guardian article and nodding to myself, “Uh, huh. Limerence for sure”.
It involves a man (young, I assume) wrestling with the fact this his girlfriend wants to have a polysexual relationship when he doesn’t. This quote jumped out:
I love her and she loves me, but she also loves another person and he loves her back.
Followed up by this beauty:
She said that the only reason she loves this other person is because he reminds her of me.
Now, obviously the advice that this young man needs to hear is “don’t try to love-force your way through a fundamental incompatibility”, followed by “anyone trying to imply that they are only straying because they want even more of you is messing with your head,” but the whole idea that someone already knows that she “loves” another person (who loves her back) without, presumably, having spent any meaningful time with them as a couple screams limerence to me.
Then again, maybe she just got caught cheating and should be grudgingly admired for the elaborateness of her spur of the moment inventive powers…
There was also a recent piece, picked up in a couple of places, about a therapist treating a woman who became obsessed with her dentist. Such a sad story and so obviously limerence at work (gone horribly wrong), but the writers had seemingly never heard of it. If only the word was out…
My first reaction was Door #2, the cheating response but then I remembered this song.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sks0x_GJIDs
When this song came out, girls positively loved it and guys pretty much thought it was a crock of crap.
Well that song hit the nail on the head for me!
Limerence really does seem to be everywhere. A few weeks back I went with my friend and her Mum to see “Son of a Preacher Man” – a musical based on the music of Dusty Springfield. The storyline was basically 3 stories of limerence (although the script said love, it blatantly seemed like limerence to me!) who end up in the same place at the same time. Really hit a nerve for me – managed to hold it together until the song “Love the One You’re With” then I just kept sobbing. My friend was great (she knows) but her Mum was a bit confused!!
I think it’s one of those things that once you are aware of it, seems to be everywhere.
Oh gosh. “Love the One You’re With” played in the car while I was with my mom, and I nearly lost it. She’s non-limerent and thinks I’ve lost my mind.
Yes, limerence seems to inspire lots of music and movies and art, so that’s a nice thing about it. 🙂
Style counts for something. When it comes to disclosure, I wouldn’t recommend this one.
I can only imagine what it might be like to have you SO lay this one on you. There’s no hint of internal conflict or remorse. After the shock of the confession and the implications of the (assumed) betrayal, she hits you with:
“You mustn’t think you failed me just because there’s someone else
You were the first real love I ever had,
And all the things I ever said
I swear they still are true
For no one else can have the part of me- the part I gave to you
Chorus
Couldn’t really blame you if you turned and walked away
But with everything I feel inside, I’m asking you to stay”
On top of betraying you, she’s condescending about it and arrogant to the point of asking you to accept it. It’s almost sociopathic.
I would have a tough time believing someone could do this but LO #2 told me that after we broke up, when she was with my successor, she felt like she was cheating on me. It didn’t make me feel any better. LO #4 said when her BF was moving her out so his new paramour could move in, he wanted her to get an apartment close in case he wanted to still see her. She said he was serious.
When LO #2 admitted she might come back and settle for me, I almost backhanded her. If she had said something like this, I probably would have.
Speaking of limerence everywhere, I’m going to suggest that Casanova and Henrietta had that going on.