Recently, a reader, Kay, got in touch to ask about the differences in dealing with limerence for single versus married limerents. I do tend to write from the perspective of the marrieds – partly because of my own experience and partly because it is obviously a case where limerence is an overtly destructive problem. Kay wondered about the extra mental torture when someone is free to act. Rumination and obsession aren’t a cause of guilt or conflicted feelings when single – in the way they would be for someone who is married – and in fact can be justified. Everyone deserves to find love. But without a partner to recommit to, how can a single limerent respond purposefully to the appearance of limerence?
The easy first suggestion here is “why not act on it, and disclose?” so let’s get that out of the way.
There could be a few obvious reasons, such as LO is married, or LO has a personality disorder, or LO is obviously not interested in romance. In Kay’s case things are more subtle. A combination of caring responsibilities and living in a small community make it very hard for him to meet new people, or to commit the necessary time and energy to a relationship. We corresponded a bit.
By email – although I quite like the image of us exchanging handwritten letters like gentlemen scholars
I asked some impertinent questions to try and get to the heart of the matter. In particular, I was curious about whether he felt limerence was a hindrance or help in coping with his romantic isolation. His reply was both poignant and clear-sighted:
My mind and heart long to express affection towards someone else and limerence seems the only way to keep that alive and put color in my world. In this way, it seems to be a help, occupying my mind and heart. Giving me something to focus on and ponder. Almost like a security blanket a child reaches for when they want to feel comforted. Could I let go of limerence, let those feelings die, and hope for the day that I find a real person and requited love to reactivate them? I suppose, but it feels a bit like diving into unknown waters from a nice cozy resting place, now that limerence has become an established companion. But with my limerence, there always seems to be a tinge of regret lingering in the background, knowing that these feelings are unrequited. Feeling like I’m just fooling myself.
I think that experience will be familiar to many of us, single or married. The comfortable familiarity of limerent reverie, the self-medicating pleasure of pondering “what ifs”. In some respects, this can be a classed as one of the benefits of limerence – being able to draw on memories and imagination to receive a nice warming glow of emotional nourishment. For single limerents, there is also no issue with guilt. It genuinely does no harm to others to entertain these daydreams; no other relationships are threatened.
But life being what it is, there is always some bad to balance out the good.
1) It holds us back from taking chances
If life gets too comfortable in the limerence-fantasy bubble, it can stop us taking risks. Before disclosure, reverie can feel like being drunk on romantic potential. We could declare ourselves and have them fall into our arms in joy. If we found the perfect words and perfect moment to seduce them, we could end up together in mutual bliss. Ahhhh. Let’s just take a moment to enjoy that fantasy about bumping into them unexpectedly in town, and asking them for coffee, and bonding over frappaccinos.
Reality of course has sharp edges. There’s no way of declaring your feelings without taking a big emotional chance. Safe fantasy versus risky reality is the dilemma. For the highly risk-averse it can be too daunting a barrier to overcome. In that respect, the pleasure of limerent reverie is a sort of sedative that comforts but makes you overcautious and indecisive. Too much of it, and it can delay you taking purposeful action – to the point that it could even be a contributing factor as to why you are still single.
2) Disclosure destroys the fantasy
Related to the previous point: the other thing about fantasies is that they are perfect. Everyone behaves as you want them to, and everything plays out as expected. What if you take action and ruin everything? Maybe LO will say no, and you not only lose your hopes, but you also lose your comfort blanket. You can’t really sustain a good tantalising fantasy when LO has clearly told you (in words or actions) that they are not going to play along. So, a part of the reluctance to disclose can be fear of failure.
Alternatively, maybe LO will say yes. Then – holy moly! – you have to actually step up and deliver as a romantic partner. You’ve got to be all charming and cool and attractive. After being single for a while that can be pretty intimidating. And, there is also the chance, of course, that things won’t work out. Maybe once you get to know each other better the whole thing will unravel, and again, you lose your fantasy.
Diving into those unknown waters…
So, perversely, there is also reluctance to disclose because of fear of success. Another seductive thing about fantasies is that you can’t mess them up.
3) Vulnerability to unworthy LOs
Another risk that single limerents face is the temptation to compromise their own integrity for an unworthy LO. The archetypal case would be a married LO. If the limerent is single, then clearly the LO is most at fault, so it doesn’t take too many mental gymnastics for a lonely limerent to convince themselves that they are morally justified in having some happiness for themselves. Similarly, narcissistic, manipulative or flaky LOs can be a temptation even if the limerent’s head is telling them “you are definitely better off single than with that trainwreck”. There is only the will to avoid harm stopping you from acting when you are socially and personally unencumbered. Most addicts struggle when their drug of choice is freely available.
This is a danger, of course, because the limerent is setting themselves up for a cycle of short-term thrills and long-term anguish. Unreliable LOs also come with the worst possible mental feedback loop for cementing the limerent capture.
Married limerents are by no means immune to this trap, but at least social taboo is a counter force pushing them in a virtuous direction.
4) Overvaluation of LO
Finally, another possible trap for single limerents is the overvaluation of their LO. I appreciate that this is a defining characteristic of limerence, but it can be even more heightened if a backed-up reservoir of romantic hopes is added to the idealisation. LO becomes elevated beyond “super attractive potential mate” to “super attractive potential mate who could fulfil my dreams and transform my life”. That’s a lot to ask of anyone, and it will make the preceding scenarios even worse. How much stronger would the fear of failure or success be when you’ve raised the romantic stakes to the level of “life saviour”?
So, I think there certainly are unique challenges for single limerents. Hopefully this is some food for thought, and I heartily encourage the single limerents of the LwL community to add to the above list.
As ever, the best and truest way to overcome such challenges is to live with purpose. Self-aware, reflective and purpose-driven people tend to make better choices, better lives and better partners.
Thank you! I am so happy to see a special post for us singletons! I have a lifetime history of limerence…which I suspect could stem from a daddy who left my life entirely by age 5. I do believe I was actually limerent as a child…at first for opera singers, (what we listened to at home…I had to have the album propped up on the dining table as I stared at it as I ate breakfast at age 6) then as I got older pop singers, then a real live human I had actually met, and oddly years later, that person bulldozed me into a young marriage (I was no longer limerent for him and knew he was a Bad Idea) and sadly, I didn’t have the strength to resist. When abandoned by that mate and now free again I fell into limerence over and over (once mutual! but for complicated reasons we could not be together) and I often wallowed in the friend zone…for YEARS, fearful of disclosure and subsequent abandonment again or if I did disclose they disregarded it and insisted on carrying on toying with me, fencing me in that friend zone…. but of course they all moved on and found real love eventually. So… subconsciously I must think that although part of me desperately wants an authentic relationship another part of me feels that to have a LO abandon you would be less painful than a real partner. Currently for the first time in ever so long there is no LO in my life….there are the ghosts of ones past that I loved so much….but their memories are bittersweet and laced with pathos. I am determined that my last LE was indeed my last LE…..and I am feeling a sense of self returning and the ability to boundary set finally developing….but also a resigned contentment rising to the surface that is allowing hazy outlines of dreams and goals dancing in my future. As a friend told me “It is better to be alone than to be used”. I think limerence and those who deliberately beget it are false friends…using us, tricking us… under the guise of comfort and happiness and companionship.
I would add that this not only applies to singles, but in general to anyone who is “available”. I recently met a previous LO again. Back when I first met LO and became limerent, I had been in a monogamous relationship with SO, but SO and I have since opened the relationship.
(LO played a role in kicking off this desire, but upon close examination, I really learned something about myself. Also, I was extremely careful to let the limerence subside before deciding that I really wanted to change my relationship style with SO.)
So, this time – while not single – I was available. Luckily, I was more aware than before (yay, purposeful living!) and recognized LO for the narcissist she is. Everything in this post applies just as well to anyone in an ethically non-monogamous relationship, with the added caveat that picking an unworthy LO backfires not only on you, but also on your other partners.
Another potential reason:
I think, for me,beside the obvious humiliation of just being rejected by LO, one of my biggest fears about disclosing is the possibility it could be a trick answer. That is, if LO pretended to reciprocate, and then made fun of me and didn’t show up to a first date and then effectively ended my life.
Clearly, that scenario is really daunting and I’m a really insecure person, so I could never put it past anyone to do that.
I’ve got to say that fear of success was probably a factor in why I didn’t disclose to my LO a second time. I had fear of failure, that goes without saying, but a small part of me wondered ‘What if she does feel the same way?’ I figured that if I kept pushing the issue and she felt the same way, that I had nothing to offer her.
Of course, nearly ten years later and I’m still in pretty much the same boat. If I meet with her and tell her how I feel, and she feels the same way, I still don’t have anything to offer her. But if I never tell her, I’m acutely aware of my advancing age and that one day she might get married and/or have children. When she does, it’ll make the pain I’ve felt up until now feel like nothing.
It’s usually easier when there’s a villain in the drama. Whether it’s an SO that’s your obstacle to happiness or your LO is sending you sufficient mixed signals you can pin the rap on them and sigh, “If only….” They say the pain of regret is worse than the pain of rejection. I believe that. Plus, over time, you can get way more mileage out of regret. Rejection was on them, it was there decision. You can milk regret for a lifetime.
LO #2 was a villain. She declined my marriage proposal and admitted to me that if she didn’t find anything she liked better, she might come back and settle for me. Two therapists told me she likely had a personality disorder. She was easy. The last thing I said to her was, “It didn’t work for us but we both know who flushed it down the toilet.” I used to wonder what my life would have been like had she accepted my proposal. But, after being married to my wife for 30 years, I wonder what my life would have been like if I hadn’t proposed to LO #2 and she declined. That set off the chain of events that led to meeting my wife. I don’t know that LO #2 and I wouldn’t be happy together had she married me. I only know that my life is pretty good because she didn’t.
When I met my wife, she was nothing like LO #2. Whenever she had to make a decision that would bring us together or keep us apart, she always chose to bring us together, unlike LO #2. I was walking across a parking lot when I got hit by the realization that if this relationship didn’t work, I’d have nobody to blame but myself. My wife isn’t a villain.
It’s really sobering to realize that sometimes the only person standing in the way of your happiness is you.
Lovely insight, Scharnhorst.
Mike, life is so short! From my vantage point, since I’m married and have chosen for that reason to walk away from my LO (and I agree, my husband is not a villain), it seems like an unbelievable luxury to be single and free to pursue one’s LO. I’ll admit that my limerent self envies you!
But I’ve also come to see that even if I were single, I’d only be at an initial exploratory stage with my LO, because all I know is we have fantastic chemistry (as it is being stuck at this attraction stage, unable to move beyond it, that brought on my limerence to begin with). If I were single, the next logical step would be dating to find out whether we are compatible in any other way besides chemistry. And to really find out about that, I’d have to hold back and not be swept away so fast by the chemistry anyway. My guess is that you don’t even really know whether your LO would be truly compatible with you beyond attraction, and you’d need to find out more about each other through dating, even to see whether a relationship makes sense. So it seems to me that having fears of personal rejection in the type of situation you’re in might be jumping ahead several stages and giving away more emotional power than is necessary. If either one of you were to decide it isn’t a good match at a relatively early stage of dating, I’d frame that as fact-finding about compatibility rather than personal rejection.
Some good resources on this subject are offered by Natalie Lue at Baggage Reclaim UK.
Mark Manson also has a great essay on chemistry as contrasted with compatibility.
‘Whenever she had to make a decision that would bring us together or keep us apart, she always chose to bring us together, unlike LO #2.’
That’s a great observation for weighing things up. Really chimes. Thank you.
I think that being single and limerent has a level of excruciation is thus: “we are both single! We have nothing holding us back! Why CAN’T this happen? Maybe it just needs more time”. And then when they eventually move on and find love the realization hits you that it wasn’t that they couldn’t be with you for honorable reasons, it’s that they really don’t WANT to be with you (as a romantic partner). And if they had been actively and persistently encouraging the relationship all along the pain of rejection is particularly intense. And then if they want a “friendship” with you (which I wholeheartedly discourage) the reminder of your rejection will never fade.
Why do they propose friendship? My LO seems to collect many female friendships and I strongly suspect most of them are former flings. Oh what I would do to ask those women what they know. Should I? A few are easily identifiable on social media.
Ophelie,
Sounds like he likes to collect what I call orbiters. It feeds the ego, I’m guessing. My LO did that. All kinds of little flirtations going on.
I started to write an email to one of his “friends”, I know for a fact they dated for a few months and she ended it, or so his version states. It’s been years and she clearly moved on, would it make me look insane if I reached out to her to ask her if she wouldn’t mind sharing some things that might help ME to move on? I started writing to her last year but the email has been sitting in my draft folder, I’m paralyzed with fear and can’t send it. We’re both grown women, she’s a complete stranger but as far as I’m aware, she and LO haven’t been in contact in years, practically since she dumped him. I have this naive fantasy that if she’s open to it, she could provide me with some answers I’ve been looking for. My LO is in his mid 40s and very non committal. Does he likes flings that lead nowhere or is it a case of his prolonged search for the one? I have a feeling that woman knows.
Please don’t crucify me here, I know this is a strange idea on my part, and probably the reason why I haven’t send this email yet.
I wouldn’t send the email. It’s really not her job (and I am not scolding you or anything) to help you get over your LO. I think it would be a strange email to receive.
A little background – I am single, female, mid-thirties. I think I’ve been limerent before, but it’s never been as strong or as long-lasting as this most recent LE.
Although we didn’t work for the same company, LO and I met because our jobs intersected. His job required him to come to my workplace one day per week for about five minutes at a time (he had lots of other places to be for his job). During our first major interaction I learned LO and I share a somewhat rare thing in common.
My feelings started as fairly typical interest in a potential dating/relationship partner. Every time he came to my work we would talk and I would try to get to know him a little better. He didn’t have a ring on his finger and he never talked about a girlfriend, so I assumed he was unattached. He was always very friendly but I was never quite sure if there was any interest on his part. Meanwhile, I was daydreaming about him and rehearsing conversations to have with him. I was riding euphoric highs when our conversations went well and wallowing in despair when I didn’t get to talk to him or when our interactions were not what I had hoped.
Nine months went by and he never made a move to ask me out. That’s when I resolved to ask him out. When I did, he told me that he’d like to go out, but that he already had a girlfriend. He said he was flattered that I had asked.
I didn’t realize it at the time, but that was the moment when my limerence for LO kicked into overdrive.
After that, he still came in weekly because of his job. I was cordial but I backed off from being too friendly since I now knew he had a girlfriend. But behind the scenes I was despondent. I also entertained fantasies that one day he would come in and tell me he and his gf had broken up and would I still like to go on a date?
For his part, there were times he seemed happier to see me after I asked him out. His whole face would light up when he first caught sight of me. But then, there were other times that indicated he couldn’t care less if he saw or talked to me at all.
About four months after I asked him out, the business he worked for got bought out and his job duties got switched. One week he was there and the next week it was a new person. He never said goodbye or made any indication he was getting switched. It was a rather abrupt beginning to the first period of NC. (He and I were only connected through work and never had a reason to email, text, or call each other. We are not friends on social media. He also lives in another town. So his change of job duties truly meant no contact.)
Going NC cold turkey, and not by choice, was very hard on me. I immediately went into a cycle of mourning. I’m not proud of some of the things I did during that time. However, I knew there was a chance he would one day be back. And one day, three and a half months later, he was.
I always imagined I would greet him with a huge grin on my face if he ever came back. Instead, with my heart pounding, and my brain stalling, I greeted him with shock. Despite thinking he might return one day, I honestly had no idea if he ever would. He greeted me happily, but then spent the rest of the 10 or so minutes he was there keeping to himself. We talked briefly, he did what he came to do (buy some things) and left again, without even a goodbye.
It has now been just over three months into period two of NC. It was in this period that I discovered this blog which has helped me tremendously. I have done a lot of work on my mental state since I last saw him and I am beginning to get to a better place. I do, however, still find myself relapsing from time to time, especially as I have begun to dip my toes back into the dating scene.
My latest problem is my limerent brain telling me that LO is the one guy I would drop any other guy to be with. Fortunately there is no other guy in the picture right now, so no one to hurt. Unfortunately, this thought is making it hard for me to find someone else (which I would really like to do).
“My latest problem is my limerent brain telling me that LO is the one guy I would drop any other guy to be with. Fortunately there is no other guy in the picture right now, so no one to hurt. Unfortunately, this thought is making it hard for me to find someone else (which I would really like to do).”
What’s holding you back?
How is this thought making it hard for you? There’s really nothing wrong with it while you look for a better offer. Do you really, really, believe that you’d drop everything for this guy or is it a convenient excuse? He could break up and seek you out. People do come back into your life. About half the women I never expected to hear from again later contacted me. LO #2 tried it twice in 30 years. I let a few of them back in and I later wished I hadn’t. When I was buying Xmas presents for LO #2, a Nordstrom clerk gave me a card with her phone number on it. She said if it didn’t work out for me, give her a call. When I broke with LO #2, I tried to find her but she’d moved.
Back to reality. What’s the “fairy tale ending?” How long are you willing to wait and what are you willing to do to achieve it? The cool thing about being available is you get to run things to their conclusion. It may or may not be what you thought you wanted but what you don’t live with is regret or doubt. Do you really want to find someone else? If the answer is really “no,” this guy will provide everything you need to keep it from happening.
As Mick Jagger says, “You can’t always get what you want. But, if you try sometimes, you get what you need.” If you’re lucky, you get both. Do you know what you want?
I’m not out of this current LE by any means, so, every guy I meet immediately gets compared to LO in my head. I am working on getting rid of my idealized fantasy version of LO but the fact remains that he did tick a lot of boxes on my “want” list. So far, I have not met any guy who equals or eclipses him.
As for whether I’d drop everything for him? It would really depend on a lot of things, so I can’t say yes or no for sure right now. I don’t think it’s a convenient excuse. It just seems to pop up like a knee-jerk reaction because this process of letting go of LO hurts – a lot. I’m not surprised my limerent brain would try to lessen the hurt by holding on in one way or another.
And I do think I have to let him go. I’m about 90% sure I’ll never see LO again in my lifetime and about 99% sure he would never actually ask me out. When I asked him out and he said “I’d like to, but. . .”, I think he may have said it as a way of letting me down easy. I’ve analyzed that quote to death over the past 11-ish months, as well as analyzed his behavior both before and after I asked him out, and that’s the conclusion I’ve come to. However, the limerence lingers on because there’s still just enough room for doubt.
Anyway, I don’t think I’m using LO as a crutch or excuse. I am willing to move on; I just don’t seem able to right now. Sometimes, I think I may need to transfer my limerence to an available LO in order to move on from this LO. As stated before, I’ve yet to find one. This could, however, change in time.
I know this is an old post for what’s the update on you?
I’m even limerent the first year of most of my relationships.
No matter how reciprocal, I do not internalise the fact that this man loves me, even when he says it, and shows it.
It’s never enough. I focus on the ” rejection”. Even when there is none.
I always suffer in the first year of my relationships.
And after 2 years my limerence fades and I don’t feel attracted anymore.
It’s somewhat predicable, and tiring.
Mia,
Have you read https://sharischreiber.com/do-you-love-to-be-needed/ ?
Just out of curiosity, what do you do for a living?
Mia,
Not exactly the same but similar. I also have a relatively high libido, and in all but one of my relationships this has become an issue because I’ve seen even occasional rejection of sexual advances as really profound and evidence of lack of interest etc.
But then after a while the LE goes, usually transferred onto somebody else and the cycle starts again. In my 20s I had six 18 month relationships, you could have timed them with a stopwatch.
I totally hear you about exhausting.
I think there’s a lot on this site about handling unrequited limerence, but I can count 9 relationships in my adult life longer than 1 year. Three of those were with people I was NOT limerent for, and they were the calmest, and included an 8 year marriage to my now ex-husband.
I think it’s really worth noting that being limerent for your partner can be a real mindf*ck as well. Distorting perceptions of what is happening.
I don’t know if this is a limerence thing, but I find sex one of the truest expressions of my loving feelings for someone. So funnily enough I’ve been on both ends of the argument. I’ve had guys who were just there for the action, which I’ve been really hurt by. But I’ve also had boyfriends who tell me that all I want to do is have sex, and don’t buy my linking love & sex.
I might be off topic and oversharing. They’re talents of mine!
I’m a therapist.
Yes…
Thank you for the article!
I be been puzzling where my limerence comes from rather that my natural temperament is rather shy, I don’t have particular bad memories from childhood and a loving bond with my parents, and yet somehow my “trigger” in early relationships is abandonment, and this must come from something. Maybe not a direct trauma but my parents where kind if strict and protective.
Again thank you @ Scharnhorst. Im concidering going to therapy myself to have a closer look. But for now I’m going to read the article again.
3 of 4 of my LOs are/were Caregivers. Two were nurses, one is a mental health professional. When I encountered them, they all seemed unhappy and had a history of dissatisfying relationships often involving infidelity. I married a teacher. I don’t know if they qualify as Caregivers. As a PhD candidate in Pysch, a friend told me never to date special ed teachers because they all had Messiah Complexes. My wife isn’t a SpEd teacher.
Despite the anxiety and uncertainty, I found all my LOs pretty easy to deal with. For one thing, they usually seem to be avoidants. I didn’t have to be good, I just didn’t have to be like their exes/SOs. They triggered an almost canned response in me.
When it came to LO #2, an attractive, intelligent, charming, self-sufficient avoidant willing to trade sex for friendship wasn’t a cause for concern. She was a Gift from Heaven.
So you’re drawn to DAs? Are you anxious preoccupied?
I was drawn to DAs. If I was an active limerent, I think DAs would be my preferred demographic.
Nope, I’m a DA. My self-esteem is ok. I just learned early that the only person you can ever truly rely on is yourself. When I got married, it took a lot of time and effort to dial that back and accept not everyone in my life would take off or be taken from me.
Have you read https://livingwithlimerence.com/2018/05/21/limerence-and-emotional-attachment/ ?
This post goes way back and may fit better in the more recent blogs.
V=https://livingwithlimerence.com/2017/11/12/what-to-do-if-you-are-married-but-limerent-for-someone-else/#comment-1620
When you think about it, would ever really tell your LO the real truth, assuming you know what the real truth is?
This is so interesting for single limerents:
LO might be not the one but just the prototype.
Susan Winters, nails it all the time with her short spot on videos.
https://youtu.be/MMgEGLntAKs
I think Lo is indeed a prototype for what could come may way eventually.
@ Mia,
The only issue I have with the prototype thing is I’ve had LEs with a few people over time who were all really different…
However, it then makes me wonder whether it might be worth thinking about what, underneath it all they shared. Maybe focusing less on what they had in common, and more on what my feelings for each had in common. I.e. focusing on what my needs are as revealed by the commonality of my LEs… because the LE is pretty familiar and predictable… even with very different LOs.
Hmmmmm.
Thought about giving a little update to whoever wanted to read this, and this post felt perfect. The good news is that I’m definitely almost over my current LE. There’s some thoughts lingering about, but I think they’re more because of what LO represents for me (a romantically fulfilling life, mostly) than because of her qualities as a person. And one of the reasons I’m almost sure that my current LE is over is also because of the bad news. There’s a new LO in the horizon.
Hers is a bit of a special case, because we actually knew from before, from one of my past study groups and I actually started to develop limerent feelings for her, but then we lost contact when our study group disbanded in February after doing the exam we were preparing… the same exam where I met LO.
We met again in August (a couple months after getting rejected by LO), by chance, and she told me she thought about rejoining our new tutorial group for another exam we’ll be taking in December, more or less. No limerent feelings whatsoever, although I thought about maybe testing the waters with her if we ended up in the same class.
Today, I found her, again by chance, when doing some errands (we live relatively close to each other, so it’s not that rare), but this time I left the conversation feeling all high and wanting to talk to everybody about this wonderful girl from my study group.
Well, shit.
I don’t think I’m in a new LE yet, but it’s obvious that this girl is glimmering again to me. Luckily, while she actually has rejoined our tutoring group, they’ve put her in a different class than mine, so unless I actively pursue her, there’s no chance of daily contact that can turn this into unwanted limerence, and it’s possible to choke out this incipient LE before it becomes a problem. But it’s this what I want? On one hand, I’m a single guy, no obstacles of any kind, and it’s pretty clear that there’s a part of my brain that it’s looking for pair-bonding like crazy. On the other hand, I don’t think it’s healthy go jumping from LE to LE like some bumblebee drunk on love potion. And, to be completely honest, I don’t see much reciprocation on her part right now, so there’s always the risk of having to eat up yet another rejection.
Honestly, I don’t know what to do.
@Benjamin,
It’s a bit of a minefield isn’t it?
The bad news is, if it’s a ‘glimmer’ you need to check in with yourself (whatever that means but it sounds good…).
Maybe ask what’s triggering this? Is it possible to be objective?
Tbh as a single guy myself I’m scared of cutting myself off from seriously fancying anyone ‘in case its limerence’. But that’s potentially a lonely route if your hope is to actually find someone special.
I think a red flag is unwarranted idealisation.
You wrote:
‘…although I thought about maybe testing the waters with her if we ended up in the same class.’
What did that feel like?… what prompted that thought? It doesn’t sound very committal at that stage, so where’s the glimmer come from now?
I met my last LO a couple of times in the months preceding my LE, and thought them attractive in an everyday sort of way and maybe a little aloof. Then suddenly a drunken weekend-stand and I was hook line and sinker. Something changed, but how or why I don’t know.
What do you know/notice now about this woman that you didn’t know before?
Sorry for no answers, but I hope the questions might help!
Tentative advice:
If you’re tempted to pursue it;
Based on articles here (especially the one on limerence and the friendzone) maybe establish if there’s mutual attraction ASAP. The stakes are lower at the beginning and a brush off early is better than a shredded heart later on…
@Benjamin,
‘I actually started to develop limerent feelings for her…’ (before)
Apologies, just registered that.
Hmmmm.
Maybe try staying calm and rational and accepting the attraction but managing your feelings etc. But be honest with yourself if you can’t do that; because if you can’t then although your limerent brain will romanticize the infatuation, hopefully you can recognise that for what it actually means.
But… as I said above. We are allowed to fancy people.
“We are allowed to fancy people.”
Lucky for us…
I was watching Westworld last night. In one scene, Delores (Evan Rachel Wood) comes out wearing this smokin’ LBD. My thought was,
“LO #4 would look really good in that.”
My wife and LO #2 are beautiful women but there are some looks they just can’t pull off.
Thank you Thomas for your response.
“We are allowed to fancy people”. Yeah, so true. In my case, though, whenever there was a serious attempt at something more than just fancying them there was limerence involved. In fact, before finding about this blog and limerence I thought that I just had a maybe pretty immature way of professing love, nothing more. Hence why I find situations like this tricky, because I’m tired of this roller coaster of emotional highs and lows but at the same time I see that I don’t have other choice but to ride it if I want to have any meaningful relationship.
I also agree with you that getting my interest known to her ASAP it’s the best way to avoid any unnecesary heartache. The thing is, that right now my only means to contact this woman would be through a friend of hers that goes to my class (but we’re barely acquaintances, so I don’t think it’s very feasible) or by doing some typical limerent shit like “coincidentally” passing through by the building where we’re doing the tutorials when she’s finishing her classes, which of course is out of the question.
After giving it a thought yesterday, I think the sensible thing to do would be to file this for now under the “it wasn’t meant to be” folder and go on with my life. Maybe ask around a little, but nothing like seriously “pursuing” her. And if we meet again (which isn’t entirely outside the bounds of possibility), and I’m still interested in her, maybe doing the purposeful thing and ask her for her number, or something like that.
@Benjamin,
I hear you, man!
But now we do know what limerence is, or at least that it explains how our behaviour is working I guess we’re better prepared to ride it.
Because of course that early limerent phase does have really lovely parts. It’s just about managing if/when it looks in danger of going off the rails.
As I say, I’m a bit nervous about meeting someone I’m really into… but well… let’s see.
Good luck with it Benjamin!
@Thomas Thank you man! Hope it goes well for you too.
I’m female, 22, single … my current LE has been going on for more or less 3 years now. LO is quite a bit older than I am (about 15 years older, I assume). I got to know her at some consulting service she works for and we got along immediately and kept up the contact. She mesmerized me on sight. The first year we only had contact via texts because she lived far away from me. My job was hell during that time, I couldn’t focus, I was in constant near-physical pain just from knowing that she was out there without me and she was struggling in life (I was convinced she needed me, obviously) and more than anything I NEEDED her. So after my job ended I moved to her city.
We met on a regular basis but it didn’t make things better for me. I don’t have to tell you all how it’s like with the intrusive fantasies, the doubts, the frantic analysis of both verbal and body language. It didn’t help that she’s a very affectionate person, our interaction was full of long hugs, intense eye contact and holding hands. Some day I couldn’t take it anymore and just told her, and of course she rejected me despite being into women and finding me kind of attractive (is what I took from her prior words) – I’m just too young and too labile for her and she has too many problems of her own (that was in March 2019). It’s maddening. We didn’t really have contact until last week, apart from accidentally bumping into one another and awkwardly saying Hi from time to time, but now we texted again and decided to finally meet and talk because we both agree that we get on too well to just let everything die between us. And I’m not gonna lie, I’m scared ****less that it’s going to just start all over for me. I’ve already caught myself wondering how she never explicitly said “I’m not into you”, fantasizing about everything being different now that more than a year has gone by … but at the same time I don’t want to let her go because she is a good friend and I don’t have many of those. Connections with people don’t just happen to me. I’ve known less than five people I could openly talk to, ever. Family included.
Also I read the article on this site about avoiding anyone who has the “glimmer” and I get that, because it DOES feel like an addiction. But at the same time I don’t want to rid myself of the chance to actually be lucky one day and find a fulfilling relationship – and I can promise you that anyone attractive and fascinating to me will be a potential LO just because of the very limited amount of people who are compatible with me.
Long story short, I’m desperate and I would appreciate any kind of answer or even advice. Writing this down helped already.
Thanks for reading (and running this website!) and sorry for potential errors, English is not my first language.
Hello Charlotte,
I sympathize a lot with your situation. Your story reminds me a lot of me and LO1. We were both classmates, we became friends, and I started to have limerent feelings for her. She rejected me, but we kept being friends because, as you aptly put it “we get on too well to just let everything die between us”. The result was that, after a short period of calm, the feelings came back again. And I asked her for a second chance. I got a no for an answer. Cue another period of calm. And then more feelings. That cycle went for another three or four times.
The rational option here for you is to cut contact with LO. You’re terrified of the possibility of restarting the cycle of limerent thoughts if you meet her, and frankly, it’s probably what’s going to happen. But I think is not the only option here. Because LO1 and I are still friends (true, we don’t text each other much nowadays, but still) and I managed to meet with her and hang out with no limerent feelings whatsoever. What happened was that, the last time I asked her for her feelings on me, she told me, in clear and uncertain terms, how close to zero my chances were on her. Her literal words: “I can only be a couple with a man I’m in love with. And I’m not in love with you”.
I honestly don’t know why it worked, but it did. Maybe it was because it was so clear and direct. Maybe it was because that was the third or fourth time that I asked her out and with that answer my brain finally got the message that this was a forlorn hope and that I should look for love in greener pastures. The thing is, that if it worked for me, maybe it can work with you. If you meet with LO, and your feelings persist, and you decide to ask her if her thoughts of you have changed in this whole year, and she answers no, try to fish for the most direct answer. Maybe it will make your brain snap out of it and you will be able to salvage the friendship. But is a very big maybe. Honestly, the most prudent thing would be to just disconnect with LO altogether. It’s going to be hard (I know it is, my social circle is roughly the same size as yours), but probably is for the better. Have you felt some resurgence in your feelings since you and LO started texting again? Because that would be a big red flag.
Oh, and regarding your last paragraph: when Dr. L talks about avoiding the glimmer he does so regarding unwanted limerence. You’re single, and as long as you go after available people there’s nothing wrong in chasing after people you fancy (glimmer or not). Even better, you can learn to manage your limerent feelings so that they don’t sabotage your love life and you can finally find that fulfilling relationship you’re looking for.
Sorry for the tl;dr post but hope this helps! Best of luck out there!
Hi, Charlotte,
Your post reminded me of a blog from Neurosparkle: https://neurosparkle.com/limerence-nightmare/. Neurosparkle is a site run by DrL’s associate, Lucy. I like her stuff. Her blog on MBTI types and limerents was great! The downside is there doesn’t seem to be a very active community.
Keep in mind, you’re 22. Your 20s are a time when people begin to learn who they are and maybe a sense of direction of where they want to go in life. It’s a decade of great change. The 30 year old you may not recognize the 20 year old you. Cut yourself some slack. This decade is hard enough for non-limerents. Limerence can make a difficult decade worse.
As for the limited number of people you can talk to, have you considered seeing a therapist? They get paid to listen and they’re in a position to be objective. When all this stuff is running through your head, it’s easy to get lost in it all. That’s where someone you can talk to that can help keep you grounded and sort things out can help. This site is a great place for use as a surrogate but can’t match good professional help.
Thank you for this post. I’ve been reading through articles on this page for the last couple of days and actually was surprised to see how commonly limerence seems to occur in relationships. Since I don’t become limerent while taken nor for someone taken (or at least it hasn’t happened so far), I wasn’t aware this even was “a thing”. Strangely, relationships seem to be rather sacred to my otherwise erratic limerent self. One dodged bullet I guess? Anyhow, I was happy to find this post addressed to us singeltons.
Particularly Kays word really spoke to me, I couldn’t have put the experience in better words. It also shows how much limerence is about you and your state of mind. I have completely stopped comparing past LOs to find what they have in common or what triggers the glimmer for me. It’s not about them, they are exchangeable. For me it’s much more about comparing my life situations and mental state when falling limerent in the past. And it becomes pretty clear that limerence is an expression of misery or yearning that lives in me at that particular time. It’s just escapism. I try to make myself aware of it when limerent in order to focus on myself and on “filling that void” rather than day dreaming about someone else – with varying degrees of success. After all those feelings of love are real, even if dedicated to a phantasy.
I take one issue with the post however. Even though I’m sure it comes with a lot more complications (and an extra special hard-to-deal-with cocktail of feelings) to become limerent while in a relationship, it’s not true for me that my “limerence as single” does not evoke guilt. Despite not threatening a relationship or mentally cheating on a partner, limerence still draws lots of self blame. For neglecting responsibilities, for being “almost psychotic”, for letting life pass me by, for not showing up for others as much as I should etc. Even as single, guilt is one of the most salient companions of limerence for me.
BLE,
“It’s not about them, they are exchangeable. ”
That is dead on the money. I think my feelings for an LO had very little to do with the LO as a person but more to do with the effect he had on me or the conflict he conflict he created on me.
“For me it’s much more about comparing my life situations and mental state when falling limerent in the past. And it becomes pretty clear that limerence is an expression of misery or yearning that lives in me at that particular time. It’s just escapism. ”
I could not agree more. Limerence is an elaborate escape hatch and I think, at least for some single limerents, a self-created way to prevent them from getting into a real relationship.
“It’s not about them, they are exchangeable. For me it’s much more about comparing my life situations and mental state when falling limerent in the past. And it becomes pretty clear that limerence is an expression of misery or yearning that lives in me at that particular time. It’s just escapism.”
@BLE.
For me, the thing that stood out from your comments was the same thing that stood out for Marcia.
I haven’t really thought about my limerence from the perspective of life situation and/or mental state at the time. It’s an angle I probably avoid examining. I’ve always been too busy trying to work out LO’s infuriatingly enigmatic personality instead!! But … yes … I’ve fallen into limerence at times in my life when I was very unhappy and perhaps wasn’t willing to admit to myself I was unhappy, or at least feeling incredibly bored. It’s almost like I had to invent a puzzle for my brain to solve! My social/intellectual environment just wasn’t stimulating enough!! 😛
“… an expression of misery or yearning…” Oh gosh, that’s a beautiful phrase. I wish I came up with that. I think there’s always an undercurrent of sadness to limerence. The sadness of longing maybe? Wistfulness? I don’t think you can have ecstasy without sadness. Sadness is one of the key components of ecstasy.
Sammy,
“My social/intellectual environment just wasn’t stimulating enough!! 😛”
But what are you supposed to do about that? I mean that in all seriousness. I don’t have a private jet. I’m not hanging out with movie stars. A lot of life is monotonous and routine. I think the poster why recommended finding something you are excited about to fill the limerence void. Now, there are things I enjoy, things I look forward to …. but “excited” about. Excited is an awfully strong word.
@Marcia.
I’m not sure what we’re supposed to do if we don’t feel sufficiently challenged by our everyday lives and our minds start to wander as a result. It’s very hard to find things, other than music and occasionally literature and TV shows, that allow us to steep ourselves in those bittersweet feelings so often aroused by limerence. I think limerence is about wanting those powerful and delicious emotions – emotions that almost put us in a trance.
However, in some ways I find this not-enough-mental-stimulation explanation for limerence comforting. “Hey, it’s not me. It’s not LO. It’s the environment that’s the problem! Need a few more toys and puzzles and objects of interest in my mouse cage!” Haha! 😛
I agree “excited” is an awfully strong word. And since I found my high school LO so disproportionately exciting and everything about him “salient”, I wonder if that means I unconsciously found the rest of my life unexciting and lacking salience by comparison? I thought I didn’t fit in at school. But maybe I had simply leapfrogged ahead of my peer group intellectually…
LO was not my intellectual peer. He had average intellect. But it didn’t stop me crushing on him madly, and thinking (wrongly) he could keep up with me when I wanted to share all my big ideas and insights with him.
Of course, there is a level of absurdity I think in how enthusiastically we react to our LOs. For example, I just remembered the other day that my LO once wrote me a letter on yellow notepaper. And ever since yellow notepaper has seemed highly significant and meaningful to me…
(LO used yellow notepaper! Oh gosh! Yellow notepaper must be magical! Yellow notepaper must have special properties if LO uses it!)
Of course, yellow notepaper isn’t objectively special. Anyone can write on yellow notepaper. It might not even be the best colour paper to write on. But because LO wrote on yellow notepaper, yellow notepaper seemed wondrous! I don’t even think I like yellow notepaper as a rule! Haha! 😛
Also, LO apologised to me in that letter for “rambling”. I should have taken that for a sign we weren’t intellectually compatible. He found me very entertaining. But when I stopped being entertaining and wanted to talk about serious topics, he immediately checked out. Maybe this is why I play the clown? Clowning appears to be the only way I connect with people. Most people are confused and/or intimidated by my intellectual side. 😛
Oh, the joys of being an INTJ. (Pity party for me).
I’m sure you’ve found people don’t always grasp the enchanting whimsy and the passionate-inspiring-crusader thingy that’s part of your INFP make-up? Did you know Virginia Woolf was supposed to be an INFP? Her books/writing style suddenly make a whole lot more sense to me…
Sammy,
” It’s very hard to find things, other than music and occasionally literature and TV shows, that allow us to steep ourselves in those bittersweet feelings so often aroused by limerence.”
I would agree with that, but I when I read a piece of great writing or see a show that speaks to me, I have no one I can share that with. Not anyone who would appreciate it on the same level — be as moved or inspired by it.
” But when I stopped being entertaining and wanted to talk about serious topics, he immediately checked out. Maybe this is why I play the clown? Clowning appears to be the only way I connect with people. Most people are confused and/or intimidated by my intellectual side. 😛”
You have an intellectual side. I have an intense/ emotional side, but I’m usually told I’m too serious or too negative or that I expect too much. Don’t you long to share your intellectual side with someone?
“I’m sure you’ve found people don’t always grasp the enchanting whimsy and the passionate-inspiring-crusader thingy that’s part of your INFP make-up? ”
I actually relate more to being an Enneagram 4. When I read Myers-Briggs, I just kind of shrug.
Hi Sammy,
I agree that sadness is a fundemental part of limerence. And I believe that the moment you allow that sadness to “shine through” is what ultimately rings in the beginning of the end of a LE. As for me, limerence does not so much occur when my life seems dull but more when life is overwhelming. My current LE started when I came out of a near decade long, “fruitful” relationship with a very painful break-up and difficult aftermath. Limerence essentially carried me through the transition process that my life was in and gave me a happy place that I could withdraw to when life seemed to be too much. My LO was very dependable for me. Unintentionally. He wasn’t taking on an active role but was a stable checkpoint in my daily routine that I could count on and hold on to when everything else seemed to be drowning in chaos. In a way I’m also thankful for being a limerent since it brings a form of resilience with it and helps me get through hardship. I do however find the addictive quality of it troublesome. My life has transitioned into something good and is back on track and there’s really no more need for an “imaginary safe space” but my addicted limerent brain is still not able to let go of LO. And that’s just annoying.
“My life has transitioned into something good and is back on track and there’s really no more need for an “imaginary safe space” but my addicted limerent brain is still not able to let go of LO. And that’s just annoying.”
Very annoying.
Getting past an LO/LE is hard under ideal conditions but limerence is an effect, it’s not a cause. If you dig deep enough you may come to the conclusion that limerents aren’t born, they’re made.
The bummer is you can get past any given LO/LE but if you don’t understand how you got there, what the glimmer is, and do something about it, you may be still susceptible to limerence.
The right LO comes along, the conditions are right and you go right back down the rabbit hole. Sometimes, decades later.
At least with limerence as a single person, you’re free to pursue it to its conclusion. Your LO may be in a different position.
Have you read https://livingwithlimerence.com/the-definition-of-limerence/? The flow chart is a good model.
There’s also:
https://livingwithlimerence.com/limerence-as-stress-relief/
https://livingwithlimerence.com/using-limerence-for-mood-regulation/
Thank you for your reply and the linked posts. I guess I really do use limerence as stress relief or for mood regulation.
I also see that limerence is not “a cause”, it does however serve a function. For me that is the above. I’m not entirely sure I’m on board with the whole “attachment theory and some people resemble childhood wounds so they glimmer etc” argument. When I evaluate my past LEs I’m pretty confident that my life circumstances in those times made my mind actively (though subconciously) look for a person to obsess over. You meet so and so many people in a certain period of time – someone will fulfill the requirements to serve as LO (hot/cold behavior etc). Had I met those LOs in different life situations I’m pretty confident they would not have “glimmered”.
Unfortunatelly, hardship and tough times are a part of life and until I find some other form of stress relief I will be highly suscetible to limerence.
You state that you can get past any LE if you understand the mechanism. I’m not sure if I agree completely – I think if you are self aware and know what situations make you vulnerable to limerence you can maybe avoid following the glimmer like a moth but once you are limerent for someone it’s not quite that simple, is it? An addicted brain is an addicted brain and you can’t just “stop” the neurochemicals at will…you can desensitise, you can avoid certain situations or people (just like you would when you have a drug addiction) etc but it’s a process. Also, intermittent reinforcement just, well, works. In any sort of context – not only in the realm of romance – and for pretty much any higher species. So if you have a developed brain, you can train it into addiction. I wonder though why limerence is still so distinct from other addictions. At some point limerence fades out – this doesn’t happen with other addictions. So maybe my argument isn’t quite sound after all.
Your username suggests you have overcome limerence for good. I’m very curious how you have achieved that.
@BLE,
“Your username suggests you have overcome limerence for good. I’m very curious how you have achieved that.”
A lot of time and a lot of work. All told, starting with my ex-girlfriend, LO #2, and working through my LE with LO #4 25 years later, it took over 10 years and working off and on formally with 2 therapists and informally with 2-3 more to get to where I am now. LwL helped immensely putting a lot of the puzzle together. I wasn’t in an LE all that time. I would come back to work on something as I gained insight into how I tick.
But, honestly, I ran out of strings to pull. I looked at thing over, under, sideways, you name and I did it twice to make sure I didn’t miss anything. Once I hit that point time did its thing. I still find limerence fascinating as a subject.
My story is well documented on the site. I changed my screen name a few months back. It used to be Scharnhorst so if you see those posts in old blogs, that’s me. If you read them, you’ll see a transition in my posts from then until now.
I still may be vulnerable to a limerent that but it won’t be the same threat as the first 4 LOs were. However, since I’ve never encountered an LO who didn’t fit the pattern, I doubt it.
Did that make any sense?
BLE,
Unlike many posters here, LwL doesn’t mark the beginning of my journey, it marks the end of it.
After doing the work, there were still a few loose ends. I stumbled on LwL and eventually, I was able to wrap those up.
I don’t think I’ll ever make it to total zen-like indifference but bemused detachment feels pretty good.
I’ve made it to the point where I can look back, shake my head, and mutter,
“What was I thinking?!”