In the last post we covered how fruitless it is to try and blame a limerent object for your own unwanted limerence. Even if they are to blame, it doesn’t help your recovery. I stick by that principle, but it does also undeniably highlight an uncomfortable truth – the behaviour of your limerent object is going to be a major factor in how bad your limerence becomes.
If you’re lucky your LO can help you detach, or at least be a neutral bystander, but the wrong kind of LO can make everything worse.
Just before we get into the analysis, we need to address the fact that idealisation is a central feature of limerence. We think they are amazing. After all, LO is a person who just by being with them can make us feel high. It can genuinely seem that their charisma is so strong, it’s intoxicating. They radiate an aura of attractiveness that seems uncanny.
It’s kind of inevitable that being around someone like that would lead to idealisation. Your rational brain is receiving the signal from your emotional brain “this person is amazing” and so does its best to make sense of the situation. One way to rationalise the irrational attraction is to give in and decide that they are extraordinary, and only you can see it. You burn to tell them how amazing you think they are.
Well, I’m not going to deny it. They are special. By definition, something about them excites you at a deep and profound level, but the important point for recovery is that they are special to you, because of who you are and how your personal history has shaped your limerence circuits. They are not objectively special. They are not angelic or superhuman. They are a normal person who you respond to very powerfully.
In my experience, if you try and attack the idea of their specialness directly, you will meet fierce psychological resistance. The belief in their splendour is deeply embedded at an emotional level.
So, instead, we are going to sidestep it, and just try and dispassionately analyse how LO’s behaviour could be making your limerence worse.
How they can make you more limerent
Every limerent object and every limerence experience is unique. But there are some common elements that cause particular reinforcement, which are understandable from the perspective of neuroscience and psychology. Here are some of the commonest scenarios where LO makes things worse:
1. They are sympathetic and want to be friends
This can actually be one of the hardest scenarios to deal with. If you and LO have a genuine connection and they don’t want to lose your friendship, it can be difficult to get the distance you need to ‘reprogram’ yourself. Unfortunately, authentic friendship with a LO is very challenging, if not impossible. This is a message that most limerents really don’t want to hear, but trying to remain a friend with an LO is an invitation to emotional limbo. Your future relationship is likely to be characterised by occasional episodes where your limerent craving overwhelms you (and the friendship suffers), separated by long stretches of emotional pain and romantic stagnation for you.
2. They like the attention and encourage your devotion
Limerent objects that enjoy the narcissistic supply of having you around pining for them are also hard to deal with. They will encourage your belief that you might have a chance with them. They will wound your pride by denying this fact if you do ever make a direct disclosure, but make some placatory claim like, “I do feel very close to you.” They will undermine your attempts to disengage from them, as they want your adoration to continue. They won’t respect your boundaries. They want to keep you as their limerent pet.
3. They give mixed messages
These LOs will sometimes seem totally into you, and seek emotional closeness, but then suddenly pull back. If you disclose, they will give a strangely vague or contradictory response (“I agree there is something between us, but I’m not sure what I want right now”). This sort of ambivalent LO feeds uncertainty, and gets you trapped in an endless cycle of guesswork and rumination. There may be lots of reasons why an LO behaves like this. They may be genuinely conflicted. They may have avoidant attachments. But, unless you enjoy never knowing where you stand with them, they are best left to sort out their commitment problems without you.
4. They are evasive or non-committal
Another scenario is that your LO just will not give you a straight answer. If you ask how they feel about you, they reply “Why do you have to be so intense? Can’t we just hang out?” If you disclose your feelings, they reply “You’re very important to me too.” Similar to the mixed messages scenario, this is an invitation to bang your head against a wall of mystery and frustration.
5. They are limerent for you
A final, particularly volatile scenario is mutual limerence. If you are both single, then it’s ace, of course, but if either of you are committed to someone else then it’s decidedly not ace. This is a situation where barriers commonly block free expression of feelings – most obviously if one or both of you is married. You are both swinging between euphoria and shame, and facing the same trial of resisting limerent craving while reinforcing limerent exposure.
How to respond
There are lots of ways that the behaviour of your limerent object can make your limerence worse. Ultimately, though, this reveals a key truth: it’s up to you to solve this problem. You can’t rely on them cooperating with your plans.
It is important to understand how your LO is affecting your chance of recovery, but overanalysing this situation is just as bad as not analysing it at all. It’s all too easy to get drawn into fruitless rumination about what their behaviour means, or to get upset about the fact that they are not helping you recover, or angry about how they are leading you on. That kind of mental trap keeps them central in your mind and delays your chance of freeing yourself.
You may feel that they have behaved unreasonably. You may feel that they should respect your boundaries more. You may think they have been manipulative. You may be right.
But this kind of rumination is counterproductive.
First, your judgement about what’s reasonable and what isn’t is badly impaired during limerence – remember that your neurochemistry is in overdrive. Second, you have no idea what your LO’s motives are, or why they are doing what they are doing. But it doesn’t matter.
To restate the conclusion of last week’s post (because it remains true):
Nobody ever got over limerence by proving to themselves that it was all LO’s fault. Taking charge of the situation yourself is the path to freedom.
Great post, thank you.
Quote for today:
“To win the battle within yourself, you must have unwavering belief in your own strength.”
Also: “Moving on isn’t about not loving someone anymore and forgetting them. It’s about having the strength to say: I still love you but you’re not worth this pain.”
We are fighting battles we can’t win! “ The hardest battle you
will ever fight is the battle within yourself.
Have a great weekend.
Agh it’s all true. I don’t like it, but it’s all true. Time once again to take stock, re-evaluate and try and move on.
Thanks for the post.
I wish I could be easy breezy about no contact. More blasé. If we chat, great if we don’t, no biggie, my life doesn’t change.
I often think how LO is an asset to me, he leads me to think about new ideas and teaches me new things. I like that I’m more curious around him. But maybe I was like this before. There are other people who teach me new ideas but for some reason, it’s not the same. I also assume everyone thinks my LO is fab and are also limerent for him. That’s also not true, I guess! It was always good for me to hear other people’s views of LO as they weren’t always positive. I wish incould differentiate more between how LO is i reality and how he is in my limerent mind. But I don’t see him enough. I suppose a disadvantage of LC or NC is that the idealisation narrative freezes or even grows.
Michael Jackson’s ‘man in the mirror’ is now knocking about in my head.
And, then there are the ones who, when you think you’ve made your escape, cycle back on you.
https://livingwithlimerence.com/when-los-return/
https://livingwithlimerence.com/when-los-return-part-two/
I think recovering limerents go through 3 phases.
The first phase is when you know you need to stay away from them and you put all all your efforts into trying to achieve NC/LC and brute forcing your way through day-by-day. The third phase is when you’ve made it through to the other side and mostly past things. There’s cleanup work to do but it’s not the struggle of phase I. In Phase 3, every day is a little easier. Think of it like sheets of paper. One sheet is pretty thin but put a piece of paper on a pile, and after a year, it’s over an inch thick.
Here’s another analogy I use to think about NC: Years ago, I lived in an old house with wood windows. My wife wanted to paint them, meaning that she wanted me to paint them. The 100% right answer would have been to strip them to bare wood, sand them, and repaint them. The 100% wrong answer was to sling so much paint on them that it looked like cake frosting. [My maternal grandmother painted this way and when a chip came off, the layers looked like a core sample.]
I went to the paint store and asked the guy for ideas. He said the way to do it was thin oil paint down and paint on a really thin coat. He said it would take 10 or more coats to look good, but it only takes minutes to do a window and in a week and a half, it would look gorgeous. He was right. The windows looked gorgeous. NC works like that. You don’t see a big immediate effect but over time it works magic.
The middle phase is dangerous. It’s the https://livingwithlimerence.com/im-totally-over-this-lets-go-for-coffee/ phase. Day-to-life is pretty good and you begin to feel safe so you think the danger is past. It’s probably not.
LO #4 broke NC after three months while I was in this phase and I bought into it. The last 3 months of our acquaintance was pretty messy and I think I ended up hurting her feelings and pissing her off. But, in the end, it looks like everything worked out ok, for me, at least.
Moral of the story: If you can achieve NC, don’t break it, even if your LO starts it.
I’m in phase 1 with moments of phase 2. I just had a bit of a relapse this last week, but I’m not so sure relapse isn’t a natural and beneficial part of phase 1. It seems to strengthen my resolve and propel me forward into longer periods of LC.
That’s a great analogy of the 3 phases!
I have been NC for 6 months now and even though I haven’t broken it, it’s still incredibly hard so don’t be too hard on yourself if you slip.
I’m pretty much in phase 2 now I do believe I have almost made it to the other side
A least he isn’t sitting on my shoulder whispering in my hear to contact him lol
Now I’m just sort of dragging him around behind me while he clings to my shirt tails
I’ve got some cleaning up to do but I’ve pretty much brought myself back to life.
Therapy really help guy’s, we have switched from dealing with Limerence to actually working on WHY I was limerent in the first place. It’s an eye opener!
My LO was a Narcissist so I was really in deep especially with his hot/cold behavior, breadcrumbing etc…
I blinded myself to his red flags, but what disappoints me the most is that I didn’t red flag myself to see them.
I loved the “Painting the Window” analogy
One layer at a time, one day at a time, that’s all we can expect from ourselves.
I’ve learned not to rush recovery because our minds and bodies will move at their own pace.
Have a great weekend!
I think I’m the LO for my boss, and I sincerely want to be his friend, but I think my stubbornness about us being friends is affecting him and he’s pulling away. I would like him to tell me everything he feels so he can release that burden. I am a hazardous LO 😕 thoughts?
@Maya,
I do not recommend letting him “unburden” to you unless you want to start a relationship with your boss. If you decidely know that you only want friendship with him, it would be very confusing to him. It will not help him if he truly is limerent; it will make it worse. Just my advice and experience. Just keep being friends and let him be as close or as far as he needs to be to get over you. The further you are from him in any way should help him get over his limerence. Keep your boundaries and do not confuse him with intimacy. Good luck! 🩵
@Limerent nurse
You are completely right. I want to be aware of his feelings and situation, so I should put my egoistic need for friendship a side, knowing that he is struggling. Thank you so much for your input 🙏
“I am a hazardous LO”. Well, at least you’re self-aware… that’s half the battle!
I do agree. This desire does seem like it will ultimately result in something very dangerous if either of you are in relationships with others. So I similarly suggest not encouraging him… but, of course, I would also find this incredibly difficult not to act on as well… each day at a time!
@SJ
Self-awareness is driving me crazy, and with a terrible guilt trip . I will stop encouraging him. Baby steps.
Thank you so much 🙏
Another thing about limerence recovery is your efforts don’t have to be perfect, they only have to be good enough.
Q: What’s the difference between a good paint job and a great paint job?
A: About 10 feet.
Another story:
Years ago, when I was in Navy training. One of the exercises was a ring toss game. The winning criterion was “ring-feet.” One good toss from 6 feet counted the same as two rings tossed from 3 feet.
All the trainees went for the big score, tossing rings from 10 feet or more. Not one made it.
The instructor walked to the 4 foot line, reached over and dropped all three rings on the peg for 12 ring-feet.
Moral of the story: Understand the goal. There may be a relatively easy way to achieve it. When my wife asks me to do something, sometimes it takes awhile. It’s not that I won’t do it, I just need some time to figure out the way to get it done.
True story:
One day, LO #2 and I were at a carnival. There was a milk can toss game. I asked LO #2 if she wanted a stuffed animal. She said sure.
The game is usually played where you tried to toss a ball into the top of the can. The balls barely fit into the hole. The size of the prize depends on the number of balls in the milk can.
These cans had squares cut out of the bottom so you could see the ball went in. They were much bigger than the hole in the top. I asked the carney if it mattered how the balls got into the can. He said it didn’t matter, they just had to be in the can.
I tossed a ball into the square hole at the bottom of each can. LO #2 picked out the biggest bear. The carney was pissed. People lined up to try it. He rotated the cans and reduced the size of the hole to where you couldn’t do it my way. The line disappeared.
There are two takeaways from the story.
After the Navy taught me about understanding goals, I used a non-traditional approach to achieve mine.
By turning the cans, the carney solved the problem of someone else using my approach but in doing so he caused the line to disappear. He made the decision that the potential cost in prizes outweighed the potential income.
Sammy was right, you really do heve great stories!
*have
@Limerent Emeritus,
Speaking of wives who want their husbands to do stuff. . .
How do I do that? 🤣
LN,
If I had a universal answer to that question, I’d be a very rich man! 🤑
Don’t look for me on any late night infomercials anytime soon.
Ha ha, thanks LE! Just what I thought. No one’ knows how to get my husband to do the stuff I need him to do 😂
I hear ya, Limerent Nurse! lol
My LE definitely falls into the #3 category. Uncertainty and what I thought were mixed signals drove the LE to intense obsession. I still think of this beautiful looking Lady and become somewhat anxious. I recently pulled out some of my poetry I wrote about her a few years ago and I became sad again. So crazy how this Woman has affected me in ways that has never happened with anyone before.
Having a new Lady Friend in my life now has been wonderful to my psyche, but as I get to know her, I see she definitely has avoidant attachment issues. (Would fall into category #3, with degrees of #4)(I must have a type) I’m not exactly limerent for her though, so maybe none of it matters. At least not yet. I don’t want to be limerent, but I do think I was entertaining the idea of glimmer last week because there was a day in particular she stood out. I felt a strong desire to disclose some feelings but I chose not to. It wouldn’t be right and I’m really just against the whole idea of limerence taking a stronghold on me again.
As you state at the end of the post, the best way to escape any form of imprisonment is to take responsibility and charge of/for yourself. I learned something similar at Burning Man over a decade ago; that being radical self-reliance. And the truth earned from those two weeks in the Nevada desert still hold water today.
Thank you for the new vocabulary words, and for the well-thought out article.
I hope one day we can talk about external interference and grooming in limerence. Thus far I think all discussions have been about limerents and their LOs but I have gone through a situation where I was in stronghold of LO #3 longer than I would have in large part because my best friend and coworkers were all getting their socio-emotional thrills off the continuation of LO and I staying in this safe and innocent (but enticing) office romance.
It only became clear when I got the courage to partially disclose to the coworker that leads the others in behavior. He froze up and backtracked and suddenly I understood he was the one keeping the game going, not LO, because it added excitement and entertainment to our mundane work environment.
My married best friend is having an EA with a similarly aged man and I think she enjoyed having someone to commiserate with. She keeps asking about LO and anytime I mention something upsetting me she assumes it has to do with him even though it’s been months since I have really fallen out from limerence.
I’m not suggesting I’m blameless or without responsibility and accountability in my limerence. I am saying that, at least in this episode, there was a truly impactful external agent this could be an interesting dynamic to explore and discuss. Depends how often others deal with it .
SJ
I wouldn’t be surprised at all of other co-workers being entertained by what they perceive as an office romance. After all there are countless TV shows and movies about office romances between people that might have barriers.
In my case my co-workers just softly joshed me that I had a crush on her. I think in my case, it was more, to them, my business what I did rather than actively discourage or encourage the crush.
But I think that it is a much more difficult task to ascertain if LOs themselves are grooming us limerents for the attention. Because we are already not in the right state of mind with limerence and so our judgement is impaired. And I think attention seeking or even manipulative LOs are hard for limerents to pin down because we are too busy enjoying the reciprocation. And that’s where it gets hazardous.
I’m just posting here as it’s hard to pin down where the chat is at sometimes.
I’m feeling super stressed about deadlines at the moment which is impacting on LE. I seem to be a bit frenzied. I’m losing sleep and constantly thinking about LO. Things have been left on a positive with friendly interaction. But with various personal commitments we won’t be in contact for a while. I’m tempted to message just casually to say I’ve completed my work, which has been years in progress, but I’m also worried about not getting the desired reply and feeling low as a result. I’m also meeting friends soon that are colleagues of LO and so I’m anticipating a bit of a wobble then too when he is mentioned. One of them is a jealousy trigger for me, so I need to practice being blasé and casually change the subject if LO comes up.
The loss of sleep and the rumination/fantasy is currently on overdrive. But it helps me to remember that making contact is selfish as its to fulfill my own needs rather than being of benefit to LO. I have no place disturbing his break and his time because I’m feeling a bit low/insecure.
Whoomp
“But it helps me to remember that making contact is selfish as its to fulfill my own needs rather than being of benefit to LO.”
That’s a big step. I think, at least for me, it was a huge turning point in my limerence recovery. (And one keeping me from getting in danger with another LE.) When we realize what we are doing is for our own benefit and satisfaction and not our LOs is important for moving on. Unfortunately there are too many “I’m not over you songs” and I think I need to get into death metal or something. Christ help me music is killing me. But yes, kudos to you Whoomp on recognizing that. You are on your way to healing.
Thanks. I know it but don’t feel it! I know what you mean about music. Indie folk is my weakness. Oh and I watched Bridgerton this week. That’s a risky thing for limerents too. Back to something more like the walking dead for me, I think!
Even if it’s not a romance, I start shipping characters. No genre is safe! 😉
Yes, death metal, industrial, nu-metal, goth metal–whatever it takes! 😉
I knew all that. Own skin method.
Mine was, simply described, dismissive avoidant. Not because he really is dismissive avoidant, but because he ‘forgot’ a small detail he was married with 3 children.
During that short time of our ‘relationship’, he fell under the 2,3 and 4. Plus deceptive and ill willed.
The only thing I know for sure is he genuinely liked me and enjoyed my company. Otherwise he would probably opt out after the first week we didn’t end up in bed. Plus some bodily reactions cannot be faked (involuntary reactions, body-language, microexpressions etc, that were different from his general demeanor towards other people (from his baseline).But liking is other than loving. And if you truly love someone, you will never do anything that is damaging for them.
What he left me with, is a state of permanent angry rumination, now 2 years and going. For all the things I never got any chance to say. A book example of everything written above in the article.
I cannot even imagine this is healthy.
I wish I could forget it all and move on. But somehow I cannot, no matter NC. It is nonstop playing in the back of my head, like a broken LP. (I found many parallels in limerence: with OCD, attention deficit, addiction, bipolar, but this particular part is almost like the schizophrene voices always playing in your head).
I wish I was religious. So I could forgive. Not for him, but for myself and my peace of mind. But I don’t know how.
I am not superstitious either, but sometimes it feels like someone has put really really bad spell on me.
The worst are the mornings, when the realty kicks in. You wake up blissfully unaware and then the reality punches you in the stomach, day after day. A bloody ‘Groundhog day’, next level. What does it take for me to learn?
I am by all means not suicidal, but sometimes just I wish to be put into induced coma. For that peace of mind. And not to be awaken till the menace goes away.