I’ve been blogging recently about the impact of limerence on long-term relationships, and the devastating effect it can have on a marriage.
It’s been sobering to read accounts of the effect of limerence on the spouse of the limerent. Even in the best case scenario, it is a massive blow to confidence, in the worst case scenario the spouse is aggressively devalued by the limerent who rewrites the history of the marriage to justify their behaviour.
Life is complicated, though. Often there are problems in a marriage at the time that a new limerence episode erupts. Understandably, the spouse can start to doubt their memory, and worry about what they might have done to contribute to the situation.
That can lead to attempts to change their behaviour – or even themselves – in a bid to improve the relationship and help their limerent spouse overcome the infatuation and recommit to the marriage.
Unfortunately, while this goal is noble, it can often be misdirected. Limerence isn’t caused by a long-term relationship becoming stale or neglected. It might be a symptom of a larger problem, but trying to “freshen things up” or be more attentive to each others needs isn’t going to reverse the altered state of mind of limerence once it’s set in.
In the attempt to regain some control over the situation, the spouse looks to themselves as the one factor they can control, especially if they can’t seem to get through to their limerent husband or wife anymore.
This is admirable, and falls within the psychology of an internal locus of control, but it also needs to be directed purposefully and effectively. Taking any action isn’t enough, you have to know what action is going to actually improve the situation.
I’ve been writing about this issue for some time, because it is obviously an unmet need to judge from my email inbox. Now that I’m (mostly) done with the book writing, it frees me up for new projects, and this is the first one I have in mind.
I’ve created a survey to gather more detailed information about what help and support would be most valuable to the spouse of a limerent.
This is step 1: gather information, to understand the situation better.
Step 2 is coming up with a plan for how to direct the restless energy and desire to fix the problem in the most productive and effective way.
Step 3 will be creating a resource that implements that plan.
If we succeed in this goal, it will help both the spouse of limerents and the limerents themselves. This might seem implausible, but think about it: often the limerent doesn’t know what they want or need either. They can be just as befuddled by their emotional overwhelm and loss of self-control as their spouse.
To maximise the wins, both the spouse and the limerent need to understand what is going on, break through any communication barriers, and make smart decisions about what to do next.
Winging it on improvisation doesn’t work for anyone. The only hope is to work together to identify the best future outcome and how to get to it.
So, for those who are currently dealing with a spouse whose limerence is threatening the relationship, and who would like to contribute to the project, please do fill in the survey here:
May I suggest also collecting information after individuals implement the plan to gauge its effectiveness?
Firstly I would like to add my name to the list of people who feel saved by your website Dr L. I found you by accident but I feel like it has saved me. I am deep in a Limerant episode and wonder whether to disclose to my spouse. Or whether to try and deal with it and put it behind me. I have toyed with posting my story for a few months, I am terrified of being discovered and this has always stopped me. But feel like this topic is relevant.
My story: met LO at work, they paid me some attention, I was attracted to this younger person (10 years plus age difference, I am in my 40s but pass for younger). Fast forward 6 years of Intense Limerance later – I did all the classic things, bought similar brand clothes and items to foster a closeness, adopted hobbies (one expensive one they only mentioned once which I immediately took up), my interests suddenly all matching theirs, if they were in a room I was having half conversations to listen to them. My attention was always.on them. I made sure I was friendly with those LO was already close to, ruminating all day long, ignoring my family of which I am so ashamed. Even recently as 3 weeks ago, being wild with jealousy that they may be out with other workmates, drove around in my car trying to spot them. Goodness knows what I would have done if I’d seen them. I would like to add that while these things I have done are all objectively awful, my LO was initiating intimate conversation and there was a definite connection. Even without the Limerant behaviour we are very similar. Of this I am sure.
A couple of years ago I disclosed with a lie saying I was used to having extra marital affairs (so as to encourage LO) it didn’t go well. There was rejection and anger from them, followed in time by more encouragement and I was so so sure they were attracted to me. However in this same period they would sleep with other co workers, this would send me into week long episodes of despair as I couldn’t believe they would chose this person over me.
I would always lapse back to Limerant behaviours. Constant thoughts, everything and everywhere making me think of them. Intrusive thoughts that are utterly crippling. There are many many other things I could admit to. I have not behaved well and my public and obvious (I’m sure) infatuation was becoming a problem at work.
Now after reading your site I see myself clearly and for what I am : a person with a mental disorder. I have made steps to help myself. I have changed jobs and gone NC (4 days now)
Unfortunately the last time we were together we were at an overnight work event. LO knew why I was leaving, we had a long discussion and it ended with us spending part of the night together. I was not unfaithful I never have been and oddly did not want anything to happen, it was enough for me to know that I wasn’t crazy for thinking they liked me too. There was caring physical contact and apart from one moment on their side (to which I didn’t reciprocate) not sexual. At the end they said they regretted what we’d just done. They admitted they are angered that they have no partner currently while I have my loving family to return to. I cannot stop thinking about this night.
My SO does not suspect. They are a wonderful parent and human being (the opposite of how I feel about myself) We do not have any martial issues, and I cannot stress how happy our marriage is, dispite what I have done. I do not deserve to be so lucky.
I know I need to change things and am struggling with NC. I am also struggling with whether to disclose what I’ve done to my SO. I don’t know if it would help.
Please, any help or advice. I am not expecting any sympathy as I know I have been so awful in this crazy period of my life. I just want it to be over.
Hello DesperateLimerant,
If your SO does not suspect anything, and if there truly are no marital issues, it’s probably best to not disclose. Telling your SO is going to turn his or her world upside down. And what would be the purpose? You’ve managed to keep quiet about it for 6 weeks, you’ve left your job, and you’re on the no contact path.
If your SO suspects and asks you about it, you should then disclose.
I became aware of my husband’s limerence and asked him about it. I was really looking for confirmation of what was obvious to me. Had he lied to me at that point, I don’t know that we’d still be together.
Sorry. I know it’s 6 years – not weeks.
“I am also struggling with whether to disclose what Iāve done to my SO. I donāt know if it would help.”
In my case my wife already suspected an extra-marital affair on my part when I was in limerence. So upon finding Dr. L’s community I realized that it was far more than an infatuation with a female co-worker; like yours, much younger than me. Also in the midst of a midlife crisis. Should have just bought a sports car I couldn’t afford. That debt you can recover from easier. So I did disclose to my wife about limerence.
However if your spouse doesn’t have any reason to suspect anything the disclosure to your spouse may do more harm than good. That being said, if you can keep a lid on your limerence and move past it, than that is good. However, as the term goes in limerence, we limerents tend to “leak” our limerence. Hence why my wife suspected an affair. She could see a change in my behavior over the two years that I knew this other woman. My tone in speaking of this other woman. A change in my attitude towards her. How I prioritized this other woman despite the fact that my wife never met her in person or spoke to her. I was all the evidence that my wife needed to know there was another woman in my heart and mind.
A dead giveaway for her was the music that I would listen to and sing out loud going about chores around the house. That when she would ask me about my day all my stories were about this other woman as if I had no other co-workers. Even when this other woman started seeing another man (she was recently divorced when I first met her) my wife could hear the jealousy in my voice. How I would speak so highly of her, while minimizing his qualities. As if I was any better.
My disclosure was too little too late. But I believed I owned it to my wife to at least try to explain myself and that I wasn’t just trying to blatantly flirt with another woman. It also felt like I could, maybe, quash her feelings of inadequacy over this other woman being much younger than her.
The trap that got me was my “damn rescue complex”, as my dear wife calls it, that caught me off guard. The more this woman shared about her life, and her trials, her divorce, her reluctance to trust getting in a relationship, as her ex cheated on her, and trying to raise her daughters on her own, the more and more I got sucked in. She became my priority. Her and her daughters. When I have a wife and two sons of our own to prioritize. A lot of what you shared I can very much relate to.
After two years on the job she told me that she was quitting and moving on to another job. She told me in person and I very much clung to her that last day on the job. I brought a cake, catered her favorite restaurant for lunch that day and bought her a few going away gifts. All in hindsight a very blatant breach of trust to my wife and marriage. Even my own sons don’t see their father the same now. As I felt they needed to know too, because I feared like their mother they suspected something.
Two plus years since I had last seen/spoken to her. And yet last week I spoke of her multiple times in my sleep. I got to have that conversation with my wife when I got home from work. And some of the context to what I spoke about this other woman was less than decent. I’ve done all the right things as far as NC, not visiting her social media, etc. I push intrusive thoughts out of my head as soon as they come up. And yet in my subconscious she still is there. Can I change that? Can I control what I say in my sleep?
My question to you about disclosing to your spouse is; if you do now, as things are, would it be a better conversation than something leaking out and then, like me having to explain it in the aftermath?
@Adam.
“A dead giveaway for her was the music that I would listen to and sing out loud going about chores around the house. That when she would ask me about my day all my stories were about this other woman as if I had no other co-workers.”
Those are two very interesting observations.
People think they can hide limerence, and maybe some people can. But it sounds like you were leaking signs of your infatuation all over the place! š
Hi Adam, thank you so much for taking the time to read my post and reply so thoughtfully. I really appreciate it.
“Should have just bought a sports car I couldnāt afford. That debt you can recover from easier. ” OMG this is so funny and so true!
Am I understanding that your spouse only discovered your Limerance when you spoke in your sleep? And this was 2 years after you instigated NC? Or did you disclose during the episode?
In answer to your final question, seeing as I am now 6 years in and hoping to put this behind me, I am erring on the side of trying my very best to work on moving on. I’m also aware this is the cowards way out. Much braver to come clean, but I am so scared of the consequences, all for a failed period of Limerance (I never had even the slightest intention to leave my spouse, but am aware my actions would hurt them deeply.)
Something you said really resonated with me. You mentioned the attention you gave your LO being “blatant breach of trust to my wife and marriage” and I feel ashamed to be in this position too. It’s not nice thinking of the hurt you could cause someone you love dearly, but in the moment the LO always seems to win out. Long term consequences are not even thought of. I am going to try and remember this “breach of trust” phrase whenever I feel like making contact.
Even this evening I find myself thinking of excuses to contact my LO. I hear from a colleague he is unhappy at work during the day and I desperately want to reach out. But I’m staying strong.
“Am I understanding that your spouse only discovered your Limerance when you spoke in your sleep? And this was 2 years after you instigated NC? Or did you disclose during the episode?”
I found this community in Jan 2023. Six months after LO left the job in June 2022. A few months (Aug or Spet) later my wife came to me with concerns of an affair between us, or even if it was just a one-sided emotional affair on my part. So it was six months after she left the job (all that while maintaining no contact) that I even knew what limerence was. So the very day I found this place I shared what limerence was with my wife even printing out articles of Dr. L’s for spouses of limerents.
The talking in my sleep episode was just last week. This unfortunately is not the first time, but apparently from my wife’s reaction it must have been a bad one. She was genuinely hurt by what it was I said. Which she didn’t tell me too many details.
She also posts here from time to time. She followed the url at the top of the
printed articles not long after and read some of my posts when I was in the middle of it all. Very sobering when your wife asks “did you really mean that?” and I have tell the truth. She has been extremely forgiving and I think her posting here keeps me from twisting the story as I know that she will come in and set the record straight anyway. It’s been quite a journey together.
“Long term consequences are not even thought of.”
Yeah reading my old posts here really reminds me of how far gone I was. How much I put on the line just for her. Best description I have ever heard of when it comes to limerence is “person addiction”. Because that’s exactly what it is. Take it from someone with a lifetime battle with alcohol.
Welcome and make yourself at home. There is no judgement here. We are all just trying to help each other out in our various timelines of limerence.
@desperatelimerent
“Itās not nice thinking of the hurt you could cause someone you love dearly, but in the moment the LO always seems to win out”
Try and be kind to yourself and separate out thoughts and deeds. We can’t feel guilty for our limerent thoughts alone, only our responses to them in the form of actions (yes, I know there is often overlap or a flow from one to the other and it can sometimes feel out of our control, but not always so). But in trying to steer your best path forward, you can only start with the deeds and trust the thoughts to eventually follow.
From what you say you have done several massively purposeful things (changed jobs, recognised limerence for what it is, etc) that demonstrate commitment to your spouse. You’ve said you’ve ignored your family but also that your marriage is happy and your spouse doesn’t suspect. This must surely mean (especially given the six years) that you have done a lot right by them despite the guilt you feel.
For instance – you *thought* about texting your LO tonight but didn’t *act* on it. Great. You separated thought and deed.
I agree with what SO Miranda has said overall about when to disclose or not, especially given the SO perspective Miranda brings to it. As someone who feels for a variety of reasons (and after a lot of internal thought and debate) that I can best navigate my LE by purposeful action without disclosimg (though open that this might change), I really understand your position. Others will disagree and say the spouse is entitled to all the information (even if we are just dealing with thoughts) and others, like Adam perhaps, find that sometimes the limerent can battle the limerence better on a team with their SO. I totally get that perspective but in other cases it may blow up lives prematurely if you feel you can work through it yourself, with help. I think a lot depends on the dynamics of your relationship with your SO. I never lie if my SO asks anything about my LO (whose existence and our friendship she knows about) but have never been hit with a really direct question to force my hand.
Good luck, and keep us posted. Really well done for sharing here as this site is a great support which goes to new levels once you post. It took me months of being a passive reader first before posting for the same reasons as you.
Hi Adam, Desperate Limerent, SO Miranda, Sammy, Lim-a-rant, and all.
Very interesting, and relevant post. Though I have not disclosed my LE to SO, as others have said, the limerent feelings just leak out, there is no question about it. So, I am pretty sure SO knows. Though SO and LO know each other, I have observed some resentment in SO for LO, which makes perfect sense, it is all due to me.
As part of my recovery, though I have not disclosed, I am trying to be transparent with my SO. As an example, whenever LO makes a suggestive comment, I tell my SO about it. I am no longer in stealth mode.
The other point that I mentioned in another forum is that I always look at LO from SO’s lens. If I feel the urge to reach out, I ask myself – how would SO feel about this? The urge tends to pass.
I guess I used to just reach out to LO in the past without thinking of LO (very wrong on my side), but I am determined to correct this now.
Thought this may be helpful to other friends who are struggling with limerence in marriage. Thanks for listening, cheers!
Thank you everyone for your advice. I feel like your support is going to really help me and you’ve ALL added something for me to think about.
@Adam I am floored by your courage to not only disclose your Limerance to your SO, but to embark on the recovery as a team is pretty amazing. I cannot imagine being so brave. I feel like I have to make this journey alone.l, I would be so ashamed to admit the length of my LE and all the deceptions in that time.
@ABCD you are right – putting my SO first in my thoughts seems to be key, I have used this already today when I felt the urge to contact LO, or start making a plan as to a reason to get back in contact (a plan that would have been TOTALLY transparent for what it was!) My leakage is in the form of “mention-itus” SO being part of just about every conversation I have (not with my SO of course)
@Lim-a-rant – recognising that the thought and the action are completely separate is a light bulb moment for me. Before I had lumped it all in to my pot of “destructive Limerant behaviour” from which I was trying to escape. Failing each time as I didn’t see the separation between the two. Now I can be (mildly) proud of myself for not acting on my Limerant desires, even when they fill my head. While the thought is not helpful, and I will need to work on the intrusiveness of just how often I think about my LO, I absolutely can work on the “action.” I am confident I can make another evening without contact.
@SO Miranda. What an amazing thing to be able to give advice from the other side of the Limerance wall. I cannot say that I would be able to do this should the shoe have been on the other foot. I had come to the same decision about disclosure with my SO, but should he ask me directly I will be truthful, to be anything else would be something I would be unable to live with (although this sounds dumb coming from someone keeping such a poisonous secret for all these many years.)
For the first time in a long time I feel optimistic about my future. Not seeing LO every day has definitely helped. But I have all your advice to mostly thank for my improved mindset. Thank you all x
DL – so glad you’re feeling better about it from all we’ve said.
The thought/action thing is really tricky. I believe (and DrL has said several times) we can’t be guilty for thought alone – we didnt ask to feel limerent thoughts. But I still feel guilt when LO (frequently) intrudes into my thoughts while I’m with SO, or I may want time alone to process events in the LE and my response. All of this takes my time and presence away wrongly from SO.
So even though I won’t feel guilt *just* for having the thoughts, I have to fight them in two ways – try and push the intrusions away at many times, and think about how to act to reduce LO’s presence in my thoughts longer term. One way is to reduce the time I spend with her, though I neither have nor want an NC option (I won’t bore you with all the detail but most of the background and the dilemmas it throws up is in ‘When not to disclose’ if interested).
Back to thought-action … I have been called out a bit here by those who correctly say that limerent thought almost always leads to action. So as much I can justify much of my action (eg with LO I have never crossed physical boundaries, got into certain emotional topics, or come anywhere close to disclosure) there are bits I can’t justify too. For example I have sought out LO and spent time with her when I could have spent the time with SO instead (to add, I don’t lie to SO about how or with who I spent that time). That’s not something I’m proud but just being honest that sometimes the ‘seek LO’ action can feel almost out of my control, like my real self is watching my limerent self do this, and judging. I am working on how to cut this right down. But this is not meant to go deeply into me (you are further into positive closure action so this is not an example to follow!) – I gave the example for the sake of 1. showing how we can think about thought vs action (it’s complicated!) and changing it, and 2. saying to you if you ever feel it is out of your control at times, you’re not alone – the *response* is under our control but not the impulse.
I think you’ve taken great positive actions and are doing well. When circumstances have lined up so I can have shorter NC bursts, it gets a little easier each day with only occasional backsliding.
As for the work event – i don’t know on that, I am going to leave that to those here with more expertise and further down the road of quelling their LE than I am. You will get good suggestions though. All the best for now!
I forgot to mention one thing : in a few weeks I’m going to an evening event that I can’t get out of – LO is definitely going to be there. My initial reaction was to make an excuse and bail but organised by my ex workmates and is for me.
Do you have any advice on navigating this? My thoughts was to maybe turn up halfway through and try to avoid LO?
Dear Desperate Limerent,
About the work event – I had a similar situation recently. I kept my eyes down the whole time.
I think your LO knows about your feelings of desire for him (and maybe even the extent of your addiction to him?), then he will understand why you need to minimise being near him and keep eyes down. His feelings are also irrelevant, right now. As Mila said to me prior to my own “event”, other nice work colleagues will be there, so lean into them fully for the evening and be very very disciplined.
You will have a tumult of emotions afterwards and may feel the entire thing was spoiled by limerence, or, you may unfortunately feel high and giddy after seeing the LO, even at a distance. But you must work hard to divert away from indulging the latter (keep lovely SO and friends and how lucky you are to the front of your mind).
I managed my similar crisis like above and it had much less effect on me than normal. And my LE, like yours, is also a lengthy 5 year affair…..but with less (zero) disclosure, at least overtly.
My intrusive thoughts are much reduced but where it tooks 2 months to recover from seeing him in the past, now I feel it is manageable after less than two weeks. Manageable, though still not insignificant. And that’s the case even tho I barely see or interact with him, sometimes going months of NC. So don’t expect fast results from NC, necessarily, although we are all unique and you might be lucky.
I did feel for you, from reading your post. I was where you were at for a long time (intrusive thoughts)
Thank you Bewitched for your take on my situation. At the moment I am dreading the event as I feel it’s going to hamper my delicate recovery.
You are right, LO does know if my feelings. I disclosed to him a few years ago, and the past weekend we spent time together alone where it was obvious he had some feelings for me too, although he is conflicted because of my SO and also he called me out for being a “master manipulator” which I have to admit is true. No one who knows me would think this and I feel LO can see right though me and my cover stories.
I’m still in limbo about what to do. I’m going to think on it for a few days.
But I am about to complete another day of NC which is massive for me, and I have everyone here who has kindly taken the time to read my posts and offer advice and support to thank for that. I means so much to me.
DL,
while not having read all of the relevant posts (sorry):
This work event is for you, if I understand it right, donāt let it get spoiled by d.. limerence.
Turn up whenever you want and just concentrate on other colleagues you like, push LO to the sidelines of your mind here. They cannot take over every single aspect of your life.
Behave like youād like to behave-as I said concentrate on nice people, appreciate the event, and when you encounter LO, just behave as to any other colleague, nice and colleague-like, but getting out of contact at the next possibility and concentrate on other things again. Donāt think too much. That might bring you through the evening in a way youāll feel ok about afterwards.
Mila great advice thank you. If I decide to go I will definitely try and concentrate on my friends and not LO. It will be such a challenge as I am used to having my attention laser focussed on him at these events.
In the past they have been a source of crippling depression when LO gives others attention and inevitably leaves with someone else
I have a lot to think about, if I actually want the risk of putting myself through all that again.
Just typing out these thoughts is so helpful, clarifying it all in my mind rationally.
I would go. What good would it do to sit at home and imagining things going on at this event?
I would go with the clear-cut decision to push them to the sidelines of your mind and connect with other people. Just assume from the beginning that they will talk to other people and leave with someone else, and that it doesnāt matter that much.
I just think missing out on things (and you said itās some event specially for you?) because of LO might make you resentful later which doesnāt help, and me in your place would feel better to go with my head up high.
Agreed. Take control of the situation DL. I know you feel delicate but you are stronger than you think and you really need to believe that.
@Mila @Bewitched
(Sorry don’t seem to be able to “reply” directly to your posts!?)
Thank you both for your kind words, they mean a lot. I have a couple of weeks before I decide what to do. But the fact that you have read about my situation and can advise that it would be better that I should go is very encouraging. It’s giving me the confidence I need I think – and with the time between now and the event hopefully I will be stronger than I am now.
Not to be negative but I know that if LO is distant it will be crushing (as I feel now) but maybe I need to go through it and come out the other side? Hopefully it won’t set me spiralling again.
I’ll let you know what happens – but in the meantime please know your advice and the time you have spent helping me are very much appreciated, more than I can put into words x
Hi DL,
of course neither Bewitched nor me really know you or your situation, we just write how we would behave in a similar situation, but maybe coming from a completely other background of LO, LE, self-confidence etc.
So if you feel that for your own survival you have to skip the event because you are sure it will be very bad for you, then thatās the way it is.
I just thought if thereās a chance that you go and make an experience of āI survived thisā out of it, it might be good for you?
Wish you luck in any case!
You have to go, and not just halfway – this is your farewell, in your honour.
From your first post, your workplace sounds like intimacy between colleagues is a thing.
The risk is very high that your LO of 6 years may want to say goodbye in a special way. And even if they don’t, that can be painful too.
Try hard to convince your SO to come with you, even though work events can be dreary for outsiders.
Having your SO with you, means that you can show up, as expected, and will likely leave early.
My spouse is experiencing a severe limerent episode in my opinion. From her perspective she has insists it’s Twin Flames and she’s really deep down that rabbit hole so much so I’m not sure she’ll ever come out.
We’re now at the stage where separation and divorce is kicking off. We have two young kids and for me it’s a tragedy. I believe one of her many ‘spiritual advisors’ has told her the divorce needs to happen for her to be able to be with her LO. She spends a lot of her time in her room doing tarot.
Her LO blocked her number 8 weeks ago…….
I discovered limerence quite early on and I tried to follow the advice for a spouse as best I could but it was very hard. I’m now taking anti-depressants and I’ve been in therapy for a while.
Hopefully us SOs will be useful to DR L with the work they will be doing to help spouses.
Oh my goodness, Franck, that is so hard. I can only imagine the emotional stress this has caused. Thank you for sharing your story.
Best wishes!
-Lovisa
I wrote this for your wife, Franck. If you can share it with her, please do. Best of luck! I donāt know if anything will get through to her.
https://livingwithlimerence.com/why-limerence-is-a-better-explanation-than-twin-flames/#comment-59483
Thanks for your kind words Lovisa. Unfortunately I’m in a post-truth & post-fact environment where logic and reason are easily dismissed because ‘spirituality’. You name it I’ve heard it: astrology, palm readings (she can see the lines on her hand change now based on her actions), past life theory, numerology, soulmate sketches (which looked nothing like the LO to the unbiased eye), numerology, telepathy and tarot OMG endless tarot – some readers even say exactly what will happen with 100% certainly (spoiler alert – they didn’t happen). Add to that a toxic dose of spiritual narcissism and probably some plain old covert narcissism as well.
I’m not a religious man but I might start praying……
Holy cow, Franck, you sure are in the āpost-truth & post-fact environment.ā Iām not convinced that limerence is the only problem your wife is struggling with.
Best of luck!
And all over an LO who obviously doesn’t want her because he blocked her….
@Lovisa Yes there are lots of issues at play beyond limerence. There is mental health issues on both sides – some as a consequence of the limerence, some which likely triggered the limerence. To add to that there is trauma and high-stress that both of us have been experiencing in recent years.
@Franck.
I’m not sure if I understand your post. Are you saying you think your wife is limerent for an LO who isn’t actually interested in a relationship with her, and has blocked her number because he’s trying to make it very clear he isn’t interested in a relationship with her? Do you think your wife’s feelings have strayed into the realm of pure delusion?
If the above is correct, I agree with Lovisa that what’s going on is something a little troubling than limerence… š²
Limerence, in order to be limerence, must be at least a little bit grounded in reality. Usually, the LO engages in hot-cold behaviour. E.g. maybe there’s some eye contact and some mild flirting at some point, before the LO resumes a neutral stance. Then, after resuming a neutral stance, the LO behaves in a flirty way again. It’s the combination of hope and uncertainty that keeps the ball rolling. If the LO doesn’t show interest at some point, limerence by definition can’t develop.
If an LO has always been cold, then that’s not really limerence. That might be erotomania, which is a one-sided obsession with another person, usually a celebrity or someone of higher status. Erotomania is caused by paranoid thought processes and, unlike limerence, doesn’t need to be grounded in reality.
If your wife some day wakes up from the love spell she’s under, and realises her LO never liked her, she’s going to feel extremely humiliated. Not that that is going to be of any comfort to you. Of course, your wife may choose to cling to her delusions indefinitely. In the latter case, she’s going to get on the nerves of bored loved ones if she keeps talking about her non-reciprocating love interest… š¤
@sammy I’m probably guilty of focussing on the more troubling & extreme behaviours on this thread. And that’s in part to not wanting to write a 10,000 word post….
Essentially we have had what looks like a classic case of limerence. It was more grounded in reality before. The LO was dropping a few breadcrumbs, acting hot & cold, saying just enough to make her think there was a possibility of relationship but at the same time putting up some barriers that would prevent it thus fuelling the limerence further.
She confessed her feelings to the LO – essentially no holds barred. I get the impression he would have been happy to have a casual relationship but not anything serious. This fuelled things even further.
Everything came to an abrupt halt a couple of months ago. They were meeting professionally and a 3rd person was present during those meetings. It became extremely inappropriate for the 3rd person to be there so I contacted the LO to say professional contact was finished. The LO blocked my number (expected) but also blocked and ghosted my spouse (unexpected). Since then everything has become more obsessive & delusional. I wouldn’t say it’s Erotomania – maybe not too far off it in some respects though.
I’ve raised the subject of her getting professional help. Once not very tactfully in the heat of an arguement which unsurprisingly went down like a lead balloon. The next time seemed to gain more traction and recognition that it is something that needs to happen.
@Franck.
Ah, thank you for explaining the situation further…
To me, it does sound like your wife is experiencing infatuation aka limerence. Also, it sounds like the LO’s feelings are unclear – at least as far as your wife’s brain is concerned. Since (a) your wife is infatuated and (b) the LO’s feelings remain ambiguous, your wife probably can’t just “snap out of” the lovesick state on her own.
If your wife is experiencing infatuation, and if she is desperate for this infatuation to be requited, I’m not surprised she is consulting tarot cards and the like. Sometimes, people suffering from limerence can turn to spirituality – as you say – to try and explain the strength of their feelings and/or justify leaving a relationship.
The use of spirituality to justify a powerful-but-temporary state of mind, a state of mind that’s actually caused by brain chemicals, can of course be very distressing to SOs.
@Franck
the blocking of your SO does actually sounds quite reasonable / to be expected to me.
I think it is easy to assume LOs are narcissistic or uncaring, but they may actually have (had) normal romantic feelings which are hemmed in by e.g. work relations, or just not thought terribly deeply about the situation, made assumptions about your relationship, or simply not get really get what it is like for the Limerent and interpret it as more threatening.
I think especially the sudden realization/escalation from what for them is a relatively ‘normal’ romantic situation into a full-on crisis situation can be quite distressing, and going full NC from their side is actually quite logical. Most likely he clocked that he was out of his depth, had possibly behaved inappropriately and cutting off contact is probably the right or only thing to do. Without wanting to pry, why was that 3rd person in these meetings? Maybe he wanted to avoid being alone? That would be my assumption, and would suggest he didn’t see a route to a more gentle disengagement (if he thought about it at all).
Regardless, I hope your wife can recover a bit. My personal experience and what I have read between the lines here is that the height of the really out of control irrational stage of limerence lasts at most a couple of months, so this does seem to have past that stage. My pet theory is that for some people at least Limerence is just a coping mechanism for other stressors or issues, and the actual breakdown may be in something completely unrelated. i.e. limerence itself is a symptom, not a cause. Of course one has to stop limerence causing life to spin out of control, but treating the symptom can only get you so far.
Anyhow, obviously not an expert or even vaguely well informed, but fingers crossed for you both.
@Heebie Jeebies.
Very interesting analysis. I think you may be onto something…
Is your theory that Franck wife’s LO was scared off by Franck wife’s limerence once LO realised how intense and out-of-control Mrs Franck’s feelings were becoming?
Do you think Mrs Franck’s limerence may have started out milder and less obsessive, and the LO was okay with the milder and less obsessive stage of limerence i.e. the earlier stages of limerence? However, once Mrs Franck’s limerence reached a conspicuously out-of-control and obviously irrational stage, LO felt spooked and decided to beat a hasty retreat?
Sammy,
“Is your theory that Franck wifeās LO was scared off by Franck wifeās limerence once LO realised how intense and out-of-control Mrs Franckās feelings were becoming?”
I’m guessing here, but the LO was ok with something casual but once Franck got involved and contacted him (I’m not criticizing the action; I’m just repeating what happened), the LO thought there was just too much drama going on with the situation and didn’t want to be involved. Like: I’m down if it’s fun but this is getting too hairy.
Sure, I mean it’s not like we carry a sign right…. š
I think there are lots of people in the world who see relationships in a fairly casual light, or can disengage in a fairly controlled manner, even if they are sad about whatever the situation was ending or not fulfilling it’s potential. LOs aren’t all narcissists, or at least not more than anybody else is afaik. It’s the limerents whose brains start going bat-shit crazy the second it starts picking up mixed signals.
The risks are also pretty existential in the workplace as well.
@Marcia – Yes, nail on the head and pretty much my theory – ok with something casual, reuniting with his twin soul in an extremely quick ultra serious relationship not so much. My spouse went right in at the deep end and likely scared him. My short intervention was a one sentence email -short, to the point and emotionless. It was likely the straw that broke the camel’s back however.
Heebie Jebbies,
“I think there are lots of people in the world who see relationships in a fairly casual light,”
I don’t know if the LO was casual with everyone. Maybe he was. Maybe it was Franck’s spouse he felt casually about. It’s hard to say.
But the SO showing up probably really threw cold water on the whole thing. It kind of turns off the sexual ardor. Sort of like being a teenager with a date … and your parents come home. (I’m not equating a spouse to a parent, but you get the idea.)
Franck,
“Yes, nail on the head and pretty much my theory ā ok with something casual, reuniting with his twin soul in an extremely quick ultra serious relationship not so much. My spouse went right in at the deep end and likely scared him. ”
I wasn’t saying the intensity of your spouse’s feeling scared him off (though that may well have happened). I was saying that your contacting him just shut the whole thing down. He just thought: I’m done. This was going to be fun, and now it’s not.
Or could be a combination of the two. Idk
@Marcia.
I know what you mean. I’m just curious, though. There are a number of good reasons why Mrs Franck’s LO might choose to back off.
(1) The LO may have wished to avoid the drama of dealing with someone’s potentially angry spouse – Mr Franck. (Very understandable).
(2) The LO retreats as they don’t want workplace scandal and Mrs Franck is acting like a “loose cannon” and may say something embarrassing which could jeopardise LO’s job (and/or her own job).
(3) The LO may have wished to avoid the drama of dealing with a “crazy person”, if you’ll forgive the expression. Franck’s intervention may have alerted LO to Mrs Franck’s emotionally unstable state. The LO might be up for an affair, but not an affair with a crazy person. And limerence can sometimes make people come across as crazy – and not crazy in a good way, either. Crazy in a disturbing way. š¤
The thing about limerence is it’s often frustratingly invisible. The obsession tends to fly under the radar. I’m really interested in finding out whether some people are scared off by mounting evidence of another’s limerence in and of itself, and not by secondary factors such as the wrath of angry spouses or the risk of workplace discovery and ensuing scandal. What if the LO’s position is: “No thanks. This woman is a little bit TOO into me. Not cool.”
Can the “crazy side” of someone’s limerence start to leak out so much that a previously complicit LO decides to abort mission? I mean, can the limerence itself become a big turn-off to the LO? š
Sammy,
“I mean, can the limerence itself become a big turn-off to the LO? š”
I would think so. It doesn’t even have to be limerence. Let’s say some guy asks you out. You think he’s ok. You’re willing to give it a shot. Your interest is maybe a 4. You go out, he brings you flowers, pays for an expensive meal and calls the next day to ask you out again. His interest interest is an 8 or 9. And your response might be: This guy is too needy. When, really, there’s just a mismatch in interest. And if he continues to pursue you even if you’re a lukewarm with him, he will devalue himself in your eyes. You’ll wondering why he’s continuing the pursuit when you’re not giving much back.
I’m sure it’s the same with limerence. And probably even more so because the limerent’s interest level is off the charts.
Hey Sammy,
“Iām really interested in finding out whether some people are scared off by mounting evidence of anotherās limerence in and of itself, and not by secondary factors such as the wrath of angry spouses or the risk of workplace discovery and ensuing scandal. What if the LOās position is: āNo thanks. This woman is a little bit TOO into me. Not cool.ā
I think the answer to this is ‘Yes’ for some people. For instance, when I was young and inexperienced, I remember feeling freaked out if someone showed they were ‘too’ into me. This might even have been someone that I had been interested in, up to that point. The minute they showed that they were really really into it, I cooled off. I always felt bad about that. But it definitely freaked me out. I often also did not have an opportunity to explore it either way as I was a convent girl, with no independence, too young to be allowed out with the opposite sex very often, and so on. Now that I think of it, it also happened me in college a few times when I could have explored it but just avoided the person who liked me until the problem went away. Again, I always felt bad but as I did not reciprocate any longer, I could not handle their strong feelings.
I put this down to inexperience because I feel that I can navigate that now that I am older. If someone shows interest now, its far less likely to freak me out and I can more or less just ignore it without avoiding them or acting strange. It doesn’t happen all that often!
@Marcia.
“Mismatched levels of interest” is a good way to put it. š
@Bewitched.
I understand what you mean. This might not be the case with older people. However, when a younger person experiences limerence for the first time, they probably take that as a sign to race full-steam into a relationship with LO.
They (the lovesick young person) might even misinterpret their own one-sided limerence as tacit consent to date LO since they’re already dating LO in their head. And if the LO isn’t on the same page, and is taken aback by the limerent’s “too keen” attitude, feelings can get hurt, formerly close-knit friendship groups can implode, etc, etc. š¤
@Heebie Jeebie
Yes I think you are right. The reason why I was surprised the LO went no contact was I thought that might have been their initial reaction to the disclosure. They seemed to be ok with what was said, albeit not as equally enthusiastic as my spouse.
The turning point was my intervention which probably injected a large dose of realism into the situation. If I had been in their shoes I would have run a mile. Someone coming at me claiming we are the same soul split in two – trying to go from A > Z at a 1000 mph rather than gradually A > B > C etc. would have frightened me.
The 3rd person is a family member.
I share your perspective that the limerence is a coping mechanism for other stressors & issues – there are lots to choose from!
Thanks for your support
Clip of the Blog: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KXovpaHk2W8
This is from the 1980 movie, “Middle Age Crazy.” The movie is next to impossible to find. If you can find it, I recommend it.
The movie is really funny but really sad. Bruce Dern has a midlife crisis. I would have posted it in the midlife blog but DrL closed the comments. I don’t know if Bruce Dern is a limerent. Spoiler: his marriage survives but he hurts people who love him in the process.
You can’t make this up: This clip is the 1985 KSTW, Tacoma, WA, TV station promo for airing the movie. I was living in the area at the time and watched KSTW. I came home one evening and they were running Bo Derek’s “Tarzan.” “Tarzan” is a deservedly rated R movie. I figured with editing, it would be about 1/2 hour long. They ran it uncut. They ran a week’s worth of hard R movies on regular TV that week. I don’t know if “Middle Age Crazy” was on that week but it could have been.
Fast forward a few years. My wife was going to tour the station with a civic group she belonged to. I told her the story. During the tour, the station manager asked if anyone had questions. She told him my story and asked if it was true. The station manager sighed and said it was. They got censured by the FCC and they fired the program director who did it.
I don’t know where to post, so decided to post my story here š maybe it’s not related to the article, but it’s just a general limerence story and I just feel I have to share it..
For 3 years now Iāve (38F) been in a really bad limerence for the person (M, around 40-45) Iāve never talked to.
So 3 years ago I was going through the divorce process (itās another story… we divorced with my husband for stupid reasons, mostly because of some principes…but the year before the divorce he got angry with me for nothing too serious, itās just that we had some fights, and he started blaming me, but in paranoid way…like stalking..anyway youāll hear later more about this).
So my husband filed for divorce in the end of May 2021 and we decided that my daughter and I move out until September, however, I decided to move out after 3 weeks, so early June. During those 3 weeks (from the moment he filed for divorce until I moved out), I started going to the gym (I more or less always went there but in the evening), during the day, around lunch time. And I noticed this dark hair, brown eyes, sporty guy with a nice haircut (aka Thomas Shelby from Peaky Blinders…but I didnt know that TV series back then J ). I noticed him, but deep in my mind, unconsiously, I thought he would never like me, maybe I am not his type.. I also saw he noticed me (not like not seeing me at all). But it was just it, I saw him quite often in June, but everytime I turned away from him or left the gym, I forgot he existed.
And then one summer day the same year, mid July, I went to the supermarket and we accidently met, we stopped for a whole, looked into each othersā eyes for a moment, and then continued walking our ways …and just after that I realised thatās itās the guy from the gym and then …limerence has started. That summer I started going to the gym almost daily, I tried looking my best (putting perfume on my t-shirt, always with make up, etc..), I started working out a lot, and he was almost everyday there as well. After that meeting in the supermarket we started checking out each other at the gym (I did that, but I am sure he did that as well…for example, if we were in the same zone, I would catch him looking at me like analyzing something in a serious way, but once I catch his look he would turn away). So every trip to the gym was like a celebration for me (I even forgot I was in a divorce process… by the way, I wasnāt wearing my ring anymore, so I guess he noticed that), and if no important interaction happened between us of course I was not as happy, but always with a hope we will start talking or something next time.
Another thing, I am quite shy and if I like someone, I can act the complete opposite so my crush would not understand (I also noticed he triggered me somehow, so sometimes I would even avoid going to the equipment next to him..I was scared that if we are too close, my hands can start shaking, I will get red, and it will be akward). Also, I realised itās just some hormones, but logically I was thinking I have to heal from my divorce and that I was not ready, so it’s better not to start anything new this soon. So I kind of not wanted anything serious, but still wanted to go to the gym everyday, see him, it was like an addiction. And I thought I need to heal, and I have time, he comes here everyday, so somehow sooner or later we will get to know each other…
BUT mid September he stopped going to the gym (at least at the same time). So he kind of disappeared…..but until today I think about him EVERY single day, and I would say roughly about 70-80percent of the time. But itās not the end of the story and… he REAPPEARED J Interesting thing is early October 2021 my husband started asking for forgiving him and he said it was his fault for our divorce, he begged getting us together, he didnāt say why he was paranoid (he says it;s because of his panic attacks..but until now heās never been paranoid anymore, so thatās why I think he was just pretending)…Anyway, we got back together (never officially remarried, but wearing rings on). And then after about 7-8months my husband and I go together to the gym, not at exactly lunch time, more in the afternoon…and voila, I come to the main area (my husband has already entered first…he usually changes clothes faster than me)… So I come alone to the main area and my LO is there, he saw me and again we kind of reacted to each other (aka, oh itās him, oh itās her)… Like we both were surprised, but I tried hard not to show too much reaction (like saying to myself “please stay calm”) and just went to the running track. After my cardio I went to one of the equipments I usually go just after my cardio, and the LO comes very close (he was in another part of the gym)…and we were kind of standing very close to each other, and I feel maybe he would have even started talking to me that day…but …my husband approches me, we talk something, and I think the LO realised that during those 8 months of his disappearance things have changed, I am now with a ring, with a man…personally for me it felt very strange, I thought the last time I saw this guy I was single, I was angry on my husband so I felt free to like whomever I want, but now I see this guy, I felt there might have been something between us, but now I am not single anymore, even feeling a bit guilty that I like someone else and not just my husband… So after this one time in April, I hadnāt seen my LO for a year from September 2021 to September 2022, except this one time in April. And after this time I saw in April I was so euphoric for 3 weeks, like my hormones were exploding, I was happy I saw him again, he came back, even not for a long time…
So September 2022 I saw him again and I felt that probably now he will show up at the gym more regularly. And he did, in September – October I saw him a few times but nothing important happened, but then from beginning of November he started coming to the gym again like everyday. Again I started noticed we were kind of trying to catch each otherās glances, checking one another, etc.. and then in the end of November we had like our most important āinteractionā: we stared at each othersā eyes for a long time..I came to one of the equipments and at the same time he came at another one standing next to mine…I looked at him (that time I felt quite calm and confident, not anxious as usually I am around him), he was already looking at me, and our eyes met and we stared like maybe 5 seconds, then I broke it, turned away, and after a few seconds gave him the second glance, and he was all the time looking at me from this close distance like maybe 1,5 meters between us…). Of course, after this I felt euphoric, I āknewā he definitely liked me and thereās a chance…but of course my husband (who often came with me to the gym) complicated all these things, I fel that if I was single this time, I would somehow show him an obvious interest and he would dare to finally approach me. When I came the other day after our āstare interactionā, I noticed there was his new friend (at least I havenāt noticed this other guy before), and this friend also seemed to act strange around me, as if my LO would have told his friend this situation and that he feels I like him too. I noticed my LO would come close to me a few times and I noticed him getting himself in situations where he could see my hand from close up (I think he was checking my ring..if itās a wedding ring, if itās the same as my husbandās… actually we donāt demonstrate our feelings too much in the gym with my husband, there was even a man who thought my husband was my brother…so I think my LO also had some hope that maybe my husband is maybe my brother J ). So things seemed to go well and I had some hope that someday, someway we will get to know each other finally… But months (now December, January..) would go and still no talking, even Iāve never managed to smile to him because of my shyness, because of what people might think (like she has a husband and now smiling to another man…)…
And 2023, end of January…I come one Monday and heās not there, I come next day, and next day and he is not there… and I have this sad feeling that again maybe itās a period of his disappearance as it was last time…and it was… in 2023 for almost a year I havenāt seen seen him not even once…he disappareaed in the end of January and it was a āsadā year for me… every time I would go to the gym, I would think maybe this time he will be there, but he was not there…2023 beginning of December I even started going to churches, praying to St Anthony (he does miracles) that I would see him… And now Christmas comes…after two days of eating, on the 2nd day of Christmas (Dec 26) I decided to go to the gym just to move a bit because of too much food.. The snow was falling, I enter the gym, go on the running track, start fast walking and accidently look to the left and āOMG…. is this HIM??ā … I look again..and yes 100percent itās him (thanks St Anthony for the Christmas miracle š ). I thought my mind and heart will explode,I was super happy but also super scared…. after running I went to this same equipment which I usually do first after running and he was there already, very close..but that day I didnāt want to let him know I react to him or missed him, so I pretended I donāt see him. After a few days, itās the same situation, I saw him again and then after running I go to the same machine and he is very close to it, ready to do one of them. I see that heās trying to catch my gaze, but I pretend I donāt see him, and once he is ready to do the exercise, I thought now he doesn’t see I look, so I decided I would look at him and see how he looks (I noticed he started getting some grey hair on his temples during this one year), while he is doing the exercise and doesnāt see I am looking…but he nevertheless caught my gaze!!! And I got super scared, our eyes met, for the first time I saw a light smile on his face, so our eyes met, then I felt like crazy, I turned away, and then looked back (he was looking), I turned away and then again and again (so we had like triple or 5 times glances in a few seconds, like looking to each other and looking away, and again looking to each other and looking again). I know I must have looked really weird, he definitely saw I had some kind of emotions (especially when I was pretending I donāt see him but then he caught me secretly watching him). It had been a year and I am sure he also knew who I was, and he was kind of giving this message with his look āI am back nowāā¦ And he wasā¦until this Monday.
On Monday I saw him and I saw upon leaving he gave hugs to quite many gym friends he has there (he knows quite many people there, mostly menā¦I donāt know if they are only gym friends, but I think with some of them he even hangs out sometimes outside the gym)ā¦. And now I started obsessively being preoccupied that it might be his āannual disappearanceā as he hugged everyone because he won’t be at the gym for a longer time…. Of course, itās a summer season, maybe he is just going for holiday for a few weeks and he will be backā¦but if itās again this long period I am getting desperate because still we have never talked to and there’s no closure… It will haunt me for months… After he came back during Christmas in December 2023, up until now I saw him quite a lot, we had some glances and if we were near, I noticed he would also act a bit strangeā¦ but weāve never managed to properly smile to each other or talk.
Other important things to mention
After his ācome backā last Christmas I went to the psychologist straight away and said I know I am crazy but I obsessively think about this man I donāt even knowā¦ but she was not much help. When I needed strategies how to avoid it, she started going deep and asking if I lack something in my husbandā¦also my husband caused this painful divorce for no reason and I have a right to like another personā¦so she said your problem is you are very shy, smile to him, try to talk to himā¦then she told me you need to know at least something about him and she even suggested waiting in the reception when he goes there and then ask the receptionist for his name so I could check him online (which worsens the limerence situation).
With my psychologistās recommendations I managed to find some of his friends online and finally him, so at least I know his name, more or less his profession, but thereās not much information online about himā¦ also, seems that he is always is single and has never been marriedā¦
Knowing more about him helps in a way, actually I donāt see him as perfect anymore, he doesnāt seem to live like a very interesting life, shares stupid memes on his profileā¦ of course it doesnāt necessarily mean anythingā¦some smart people pretend to be stupid, and some really interesting people never post anything onlineā¦ but from his friends list, seems that his nearest people are just ordinary peopleā¦ I mean maybe they are all good people just like himselfā¦but obsessing over this just very regular guy for 3 years still doesnāt make sense to meā¦ I have a very interesting job, I work in travel and have a chance to visit the worldās most luxurious hotels, talk to interesting hoteliers.. I know good things in life and have a good tasteā¦ I feel if I knew him better I would lose interest in him quickly, but now I canāt do anything and just canāt get him out of my mindā¦ Itās like I am used to this āgameā we (I hope so, itās not just me) play.
I honestly think he likes me, maybe he doesnāt believe I like him and thatās why he never approached me, especially when I never flirted with him. But I think he is not stupid and he felt I acted strange..also some looks from me gave him some clues I want something from him, but probably he never understood what I really wantā¦ Also, I think my husband worked as a barrier a bitā¦ I donāt think it was just me, I even think it might be mutual, but our circumstances just didnāt let us go forward and finally start talkingā¦I was shy, I have a husband, I never gave him exact signs (more like mixed signals) and he never dared to riskā¦
As for why I got into this limerence, I think I know the answerā¦first, I grew up with an alcoholic father so everytime my parents would fight (of course my mother was angry on my dad everytime he was drunk) and shout, I would just start daydreaming about the better tomorrow, about how I find a good husband and he will save me and give me peace and normalcyā¦actually itās NORMALCY that first attracted me to this guyā¦when I saw him first time I felt ānormalcyā in him.. I donāt know why, but maybe because he was regularly working out, so he seemed normal and not strange (like many guys these days). Besides this and physical attraction, I also felt some familiarilty in him and felt somehow safe when thinking about our possibilities together. Besides him I had some LOs in the past so it was a pattern, but I think never strong as this.
I just wanted to share this story with you as I know you would understand it, I really donāt know what to doā¦ I donāt even think he is a perfect partner anymore, but I still obsess over him and especially now when I am not sure when he gets back to the gym, maybe next week, maybe August, or maybe after a yearā¦
And yet after all this time, neither of you has really spoken to each other? Even a simple “hi” could get things on a path to resolution one way or another.
I can think of something sort of similar, though it didn’t last nearly as long: There was this guy in college who worked the same job as me at different times. We’d pass on the sidewalk and he’d look at me, so I’d look at him. I thought for sure there was interest, and a crush on him began. Learned his name from his time card, etc. etc. But neither of us spoke to the other. Just kept glancing at each other every time we passed each other.
The following semester, we both ended up at the same job together, but a different one. And now we actually worked together. !!! So I got to know him a little better. I told a friend about my crush on him, so she arranged a little party so I could invite him. So I did, and–he said he doesn’t like the games we were going to play. But then I met another guy at the party and hit it off; he became my next LO. (That was another story in itself, but not relevant here.) Meanwhile, this guy I had the crush on, we became platonic friends/acquaintances.
The point being–Just looking at each other all the time but not DOING anything gets you nowhere. Maybe you’re not meant to actually date, but interactions will resolve the uncertainty and calm down the limerence. There’s also the complication that you are married and have to figure out if you want your husband or the mystery guy.
No, never talked, not even a āhelloā.. I know itās so desperate, but it is as it isā¦ I am quite shy, especially with someone I really like.. so I was just expecting a miraculous situation where without any efforts from my side (like showing an obvious interest or some flirting) we would just get this chance to finally start talking (maybe through other gym people). I knew if we had broken the ice, I wouldnt have been shy anymore and deep inside I think we would even have some things in common.
So you are right, if we had started talking at least I would know.. usually I am quite ok with rejection. But from this guy I felt āinterestā for sure because if I felt he ignored me I would have been ok with that and just accept it.
But itās not just shyness from me.. even if i felt a genuine interest from him, i still had some thoughts what if he is just playing and is not intersted, maybe he just wants to be liked by me and feel better about himselfā¦ so i couldnt risk and flirt with him having a husband who goes to the same gym. This guy knows and talks to many people in the gym, so if i start flirting he might tell the whole gym what a ābadā woman I am..
So a very complicated situation š
Thank you for your comment with all these insights, itās so precious. Itās the first time I post in this blog, but Iāve been reading it for a while and itās amazing how many people there are with similar problems.
I am one of the other few limerents in this forum who has never really spoken much to my LO either. Other than an occasional “hi”or “hello”, to a “how are you?” My LE has persisted now for almost 2 years and I’m just getting to a place now where I am finally coming down off the rush. My LO still excites me but we’ve never officially met. I am a divorced Father of 2 grown children and I am 53. LO is 29, divorced, no kids.. (I know her Friends) Unfortunately I am of probably very little interest to her, because I believe she became irritated in the ways I tried to get her attention by always staring at her..
This began because when she first noticed this about me, she would always stare back, give me 2nd looks, even smile at me which produced glimmer out of this world. No other Woman in my life has ever effected me this way. I don’t believe another person ever will. We are still somewhat co-workers within the same company. Just now in separate buildings within the Complex. I rarely see her anymore which has helped calm the LE but I know where to find her if I ever want to see her.
It was the uncertainty of so much over those first 6 months of the LE that turned my limerence into probably the biggest emotional upheaval of my life. (Not to mention family issues that were hitting me hard also at the time) It got so intense and bad and depressing at times that I even thought about suicide. I got this way because I wanted so bad to meet and talk with her at some point but eventually her body language just told me to stay the hell away.. I never wanted to believe it. She still kept looking at me every day when I would notice her. Sometimes gazing at me like she was looking into my soul or something. Fueling a fire I could not contain. It set up so much emotion that I don’t know if I’ll ever be able to comprehend it. My heart was totally set on this person and I feel like she just wanted to break it. It’s been the strangest and most up and down emotional experience I have ever had with another human being. The craziest thing too is, I still adore her..
What I think eventually happened is my creepy staring, coupled with inaction ultimately made her decide I wasn’t worth it. She could always tell by my body language when I wanted to approach and talk to her because she’d always look away fast or reach for her phone. I tried to be respectful and not say anything. For all I know she was playing a game too or maybe she wasn’t ever interested at all. What I do know is I’m still picking up the pieces from it and I am optimistic about seeing her again at some point and hopeful I’ll at least ask her how the job is going on her end. I know she’ll probably shutter and freak out a little, but I don’t care. I know some of her Friends. They know about who I am.
For now, I’m kind of in limbo over the LE and it still makes me sad now and then. I’ve since met someone else and we’ve become good Friends in the last few months, but everything about it is friendly and what feels like normal crushing on a person should be like. Not uncertainty, doubt, confusion and utter sadness.. Like you, there are reasons that I became limerent but I knew I couldn’t keep being in the state I was, so meeting my Lady Friend when I did and her becoming that Friend has been a huge help in purposeful living and calming limerent flames. I try hard not to transfer the limerence as it would not be fair to this person either.
You have taken back your Ex husband it sounds like and should decide if he ultimately is the better choice for you right now. Of course he was probably a barrier to mystery guy not taking action. Constantly doing nothing will only fan the flames of limerence. The only way you’ll be able to move forward is to just meet the guy and see if he’s worth the time to get to know better. If not then go NC and find a different gym..
I am really sorry about what you have been going through and how limerent feelings affected some periods of your life. Itās unbelievable how some people we barely know control our minds, feelings and instead of doing something purposeful we waste our time constantly thinking about them.
Actually when I read your story I felt some similarities about my gym guy and this āinactionā thing combined with staring you were talking about. Sometimes I think my LO is also a bit limerent for me (probably not as much as me of course), because itās just a strange feeling when we are close.. itās like we both know something is really happening but canāt talk for some reasons (shyness, inaction, husband, fearā¦). There was one day when I quickly looked at him and he was staring, holding his hands on his hips, and with an angry expression like āwt* is going onā.
As for my husband, he is more or less a good guy, but I canāt trust him 100%, because he ruined our marriage for stupid reasons. If I compare these two men, so this gym guy seems a bit āwarmerā while he interacts with other people. For example, there are two ladies he knows (but from his social media i think they are his relatives or some friends, nothing romantic), and when he talks to them he gets quite close to them, looking in their eyes and feels like he gives all his presence to them. While my husband, when talking to people or even me, is a bit cold, he doesnt turn his body completely to me when talking. He works in programming, so he is quite emotionally cold. Like I said, there was someone in the gym that thought he was my brother