In the last post I analysed the sometimes strange intersections between lust and limerence. One thing that both phenomena share is transience. For lust, it can be very short-lived. Limerence is more persistent, but only for the months-years needed to establish a bond lengthy enough to bear fruit.
A complicating factor in trying to understand limerence and lust is libido. If lust is the immediate sensational overload that triggers urgent sexual desire, then libido is the background propensity to experience lust during everyday life. Libido can be very powerfully affected by limerence. Both men and women report an increase in libido when experiencing limerence: an increased awareness of, and interest in, sex. Particularly with LO, of course, but also in a less directed way.
Curiously, the hormonal basis for this is a bit confused. Normally, increased testosterone leads to increased libido, and this is observed in women, but men can exhibit reduced testosterone during limerence (thought to correlate with a drive for bonding). Nevertheless, when around LO and when in the thick of limerence, libido… rises. *snigger*
Obviously, this is entirely compatible with the reproductive designs of limerence. It is also, unfortunately, the cause of an enormous amount of unhappiness.
One of the commonest causes of arguments in long-term relationships is sex. Right up there with money and children. Top three finisher.
Almost inevitably, between any two people there will be an asymmetry in libido. If the difference in inherent sex drive is modest, then your luck is in. If the difference is pronounced, then… bad luck. The problem pages of the world are filled with men and women who are deeply unhappy about the loss of sexual intimacy in their relationship, and the worst of it is, it’s all relative. Some people complain “it’s only once a week!” Others complain “it’s been three years.” But the perennial, repeated refrain is “it’s less than it used to be.”
Now part of the explanation for this is that libido does normally wax and wane over life, and with what’s going on in life, and in how you change and your SO changes, and how well you have managed to sustain emotional intimacy. However, I would argue that limerence is a much bigger factor.
We all know the old jokes about marriage and libido. “What food decreases a woman’s sex drive over 90%? Wedding cake.” *guffaw* It’s kind of expected that sex drive will drop off as a relationship matures – we can’t sustain the heightened libido of the early stages of romance indefinitely. To many people, this is just the loss of “new relationship energy” or boredom due to familiarity. To a limerent, this is the loss of limerence due to consummation and the aligned dwindling of libido back to the background level inherent for that individual.
So, a logical strategy for anticipating whether your LO would be a compatible long-term partner, would be to try and determine what their libido is like in the absence of limerence. Not easily done, when they are limerent. I suppose it would be possible to talk to them about how sexy they felt before they met you. Or ask their friends. But it would be a bit weird. And how confident are we about our own baseline libido when we’re in the reality-distortion field of limerence?
But I think things are even more insidious than that. I think repeated episodes of limerence can lead to a tight psychological association between libido and the onset of limerence. It’s not just that libido goes up with limerence – libido is impossible to disentangle from limerence. For these people, any attempt to “rekindle” romance, or stimulate their libido is impossible without a new LO. Sexual desire is anchored to limerent desire, and feeling sexy is inextricably linked to feeling limerent. Given that it is pretty much impossible to re-establish limerence in a long-term relationship (although Esther Perel sort of seems to be promoting the attempt) that psychological association seems doomed to lead to serial monogamy or a sexually dull long-term attachment. They mentally link love to stability and comfort, and limerence to passion and sex.
For many people, the latter scenario is fine: that was their expectation of what marriage/LTR would be like, and they’re not that bothered. But their partner may well be. And it does seem that they would be vulnerable to having an affair if a new LO comes along and reignites what was “lost”.
How to cope? The huge number of couples wrestling with this issue suggest there is no easy answer. For me, the answer is the same as always: self-awareness. Understand your drives. Recognise patterns of behavior that are not serving you well. Seek to take purposeful steps to develop yourself as a person, to be the sort of person that you want to be and act positively. If you are the low-libido SO, then explore why you have lost your desire, how it relates to your psychological associations of love and sex, and decide whether you want to work to redirect your libido away from limerence fantasies and towards other stimuli. Or, find a new partner with more compatible baseline libido. Or no partner. Or many partners.
The same advice goes for the high-libido SO: what is the food that your libido feeds on; are you happy with that?
As ever, if you do make big changes in your life, do it with integrity. It will protect your self-esteem and wellbeing in the long run.
I’ve been going through a rereading of a lot of blogs and this one deserves a comment because I relate to it.
I’ve been in an LE for over a year and recently I have become aware that I have a high libido and that my LE was initially driven by a strong sexual desire for my LO that corresponded with a low sexual period with my SO. Since becoming limerent, the positive is my libido for my SO increased in both sexual desire but also general affection. This has brought us closer together both emotionally and physically. But, in contrast I still have an enormous sexual attraction to LO, it is still the main driver of my limerence for her. Early on in my LO I quickly took to fantasizing about a PA with my LO. But it goes well beyond lust into a desire to share physical intimacy with her as an expression of emotional connection to her. She is the only person, except for SO, that I can say this of. All my other crushes and attractions are really just lust based and do not cause me any distress. LO feels love based and desiring her physically but not being able to play it out does hurt.
As for SO, I am glad we have reconnected sexually and affectionately, and LE has been a big boost to that. The negative is, real sex with SO seems to pale in comparison to the fantasy of sex I have built up around LO. I am working thru that and really that is an issue to be worked on with SO independent of any other external sexual desire.
I cannot go NC with LO, we work together, and I will always be attracted to her I suppose, but I am hoping that over time the strong sexual desire can recede with the LE and she can turn into just another mild object of lust while SO maintains my attention as an object of both emotional and physical love.
I like the direction you are going, Speedy. Way to work on reality with SO. I remember you mentioning that SO is a lovely woman who makes you look good. It seems like she has many admirable qualities. You are so lucky that you get to have real sex with her real body. And it’s a huge bonus that she likes being with you, too. And let’s not forget that she can carry a grown-up conversation. I think the incredible fantasy sex you imagine with LO would be disappointing if it ever happened in real life. That’s how fantasies are. They feel better than reality because everything plays out exactly the way you want it to play out. But, isn’t real sex so much better than pretend sex?
Here is a little honesty. If I start to have sexual thoughts about LO3, I imagine that he is very small below the belt. I don’t know why I started doing this. It makes me laugh a little. Maybe you can picture yourself peeling off LO’s clothes to find that she is a he. I don’t know, that might turn you off quickly.
Thanks for being so honest. You are brave!
This is the situation: married for 35 years. Husband had affairs while I was away.
Fell in limerence with a woman. My concern is that his limerence is directly associated with his fetish for she offered him exactly what he wished for and more. He tried to relive this with me but I could not give such a performance.
Novelty, secrets, younger woman etc enhances the probability of this situation. To add to the problem, she is absoltly different from me, 46 kilos vs 80 k. His consomption of pornography changed to this type of models and nourrished his kinks. I looked for documentation about the links between porn, kinks and limerence but could not find much. After 4,5 years of limerence he calmed down but I cannot get over the lies and limerent episodes. I feel so undesirable even though he gives his best to show me otherwise. Any conselling to share ?
Tina
I can really only give any “counselling” on two things about your situation.
A. I personally have felt better as man, husband and father when I gave up pornography 4 years ago. While my wife and I do occasionally partake of it together, that being the key, she never minded when I did. Or if she did she never voiced her opinion. But I think it can easily slide into an addiction. And unfortunately with the easy access anyone has to it, it is becoming more and more of a threat to society. Google or go on youtube and look up “porn addiction”. I don’t know if that is a concern of you of your husband or you just asking it’s relation to limerence.
B. I can’t speak for your husband but looks had little to do with the woman that I fell into limerence with. Yes she was an attractive woman but it was more who she represented in my mind; a lost love. The first woman I may first have even been limerent for but certainly was in love with long before I met my wife.
I think it is just the difference in how men vs women perceive others of the opposite sex. But I do believe that my wife thought it was more about the physical than it was anything else when I disclosed to her about my limerence. I guess what I am trying to say is that in limerence it may have been that for him but out of limerence he really does see you in the positive light that he is displaying.
Good luck to you. I have a very forgiving wife I am very grateful for. Maybe he is realizing that now and is doing all he can to win you back.