Big week for me this week. I finished the new book and sent it to my publisher!
It’s great to have reached that milestone, and by one of those strange coincidences of fate, my original book was mentioned in an article in the Observer a couple of days before I hit send.
Felt like stars aligning. I’m taking it as a good omen.
The case study that Philippa Perry discusses does sound like quintessential limerence – a 50 year old gay man falling for a younger, straight work colleague. It has that classic, awful sense of “I don’t really know why this is happening, and I wish it wasn’t” that hits many limerents who’ve reached a generally successful and happy midlife only to get steamrollered by a new infatuation.
It can be the first time that many of us discover the concept of limerence. Previously, the euphoric, intoxicating, stomach-churning emotional overload was seen as “what love feels like”. It isn’t until you are settled into a long-term healthy bond of deep love and the mania suddenly erupts for someone new that you start to ask some serious questions about what love really is and how limerence fits in.
It’s also striking that Perry discusses the situation from a therapist’s perspective of looking back for the original causes – the formative life events that might have cultivated limerent tendencies within the writer – and the current life events that might make mood repair through limerence seem attractive.
All good insights, of course, but I’d add a proviso that it’s also important to consider how to get out of the altered state of mind of limerence in the short term, to avoid the potential risks to everyone involved of remaining trapped in limerence limbo while you make sense of your past.
Limerence does depend on our personal histories, but it also has universal features that arise from the fundamental mechanisms of the brains work. You’ll need to tackle both levels if you are going to solve a limerence emergency.
So, great to have the book done, great to see the visibility of limerence increasing, and great to now have some free time to concentrate on new projects.
Stay tuned for more updates to come!
Nisor says
Dr.L, oh, that must be a relief to have finished the book! Congratulations!
Now free to start new projects, I’m wishing you the very best on all your endeavors.
Have a great weekend.
WhoompThereItIs says
Congratulations on completing the book and thanks for the article link.
Really interesting. On a very basic level, I love your writing style and it has helped me with some of my own writing exploits recently. On a more serious level, thank you so much for all the resources and the continuous ability to keep content relevant, humorous and educational. Appreciated 👏
Adam says
Congratulations Dr L. Hopefully it will get published. I’d really look forward to reading it.
I maybe be out of limerence now but my midlife has not been kind to me. And with my rescue complex, anxious attachment and mother issues it could come easily again if I don’t keep on guard. I try very much so with Lady Friend. I do not want it to be ruined by limerence. And not just with her but Momma too. I do not think she could take another episode.
Looking forward to reading your insights in your book.
Limerent Emeritus says
Well done, DrL!
I’d offer to pay you for an autographed first edition but, honestly, bringing that book home would open a can of worms for me.
Limerence is still a touchy subject.
why says
I echo this with another commenter’s brilliant idea of having a digital copy version too. It’s not going to be fun without the real feel of paper, but at least I can read them behind my e-reader’s password.
Congrats on finishing your book writing and looking forward to the release date, Dr. L!
frederico says
Congratulations, Dr L. I very much look forward to reading the new book.
Imho says
Dr L. Congratulations on the book submission!
Can you ask your publisher to do a digital version, as Limerent Emeritus indicates also I can not purchase a hard copy.
Also I wanted to share another article from the Guardian/Observer from a year ago. I do not think it was shared here before. I found it quite interesting and relatable as I am female, mid life etc.
It’s also Philippa Perry as the ‘agony aunt’
https://amp.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2023/may/21/i-am-consumed-by-a-crush-but-we-are-both-married-philippa-perry
I found it amusing and quite sweet the letter writer said she wants to have lots of sex with her crush and make him tea. It’s a very British thing to say !
It may be helpful to others here her answer and some of the comments.
frederico says
Even as a single limerent, I appreciated reading this article. It feels as if Philippa Perry really understands. Her suggestions must be worth a try. Thanks, Imho.
Imho says
f, I’m very glad you found it useful too. You are a quick reader, my friend!
Serial Limerent says
Congrats, Dr L! 🙂
Mila says
Congratulations Dr.L, what an achievement!
SO.Miranda says
Congratulations, Dr. L! I’m so impressed and grateful that you’ve continued to post here every week despite what must have been a demanding schedule with the book. I look forward to reading it.
Sammy says
Congrats, Dr. L. on completing your second book! Judging from your blog posts, I’m sure it’s similarly very well-written. And I’m sure it will be of great interest to people struggling to make sense of their own topsy-turvy emotional experiences. 😛
Lim-a-rant says
Congrats Dr L. This place is a goldmine of great advice that I can see has helped so many folks, and your blogs are always done with a splash of humour around such a heavy subject. I’m sure in book form it will be brilliant too – if anybody who needs ir can get the book into the house past their SO, of course! Enjoy the freedom of having this project out of the in-tray.
MJ says
Dr. L congrats and well done finishing the book. I will be looking forward to getting a copy and it will probably find a home on my nightstand when it arrives. Lord knows I can always use the help. Grateful for you and this website.
David says
What she says about early childhood is completely wrong. There are twin studies on attachment, and differences do not come primarily from early childhood environment. https://toddkshackelford.com/downloads/Barbaro-et-al-PsychBull.pdf
There is also a study that found only a .17 correlation (no correlation) between age 1 and age 20 http://labs.psychology.illinois.edu/~rcfraley/attachment.htm
NIMH even defunded strange situation experiments https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC10046260/
Also see https://www.fatherly.com/health/attachment-theory-wrong-attachment-styles-dont-matter
Snowphoenix says
Dr L, congratulations to your 2nd book! I’ll get a copy for my LO.