That laugh was a bit loud for your feeble joke, wasn’t it? That gaze was quite prolonged. Why do they keep touching their hair? Is their hand shaking? Why have they bought you a gift?
So. You think someone might be limerent for you. What can you do?
Here is a step by step guide for how to cope.
1) Are you limerent for them?
If yes – you lucky devil! Bliss awaits. Unless of course you are already married. Or they are. If so, read this and this.
If no – oh dear. You are going to cause someone pain. Sorry. Keep reading to find out how to minimise it.
2) Have you ever experienced limerence?
If yes – you know what they are going through. Show empathy. Go to 3.
If no – believe me when I tell you that your intuition is probably not going to be a good guide on how to handle this. Go immediately to 3.
3) Are you in a professional or educational relationship with them, that has a power imbalance?
If yes – Stop talking about personal stuff. Do not spend unnecessary time with them outside of the professional needs of the job. Go to 4.
If no – Phew. That makes things simpler. Go to 4.
4) Have they disclosed their feelings to you?
If yes – Communicate to them in clear terms that you do not reciprocate their feelings. Do not try to spare their feelings by giving vague or non-committal responses. You are not lessening their pain by “letting them down gently”, you are prolonging their limerence through ambiguity. Go to 6.
If no – Consider asking them directly how they feel about you. Radical honesty can be surprisingly effective in resolving life difficulties. High risk, though. If you don’t fancy it, go to 5.
5) Are you enjoying the attention?
If yes – well, I suppose that’s natural. It would be quite flattering. Don’t milk it though. No need to be a greedy narc. Go to 6.
If no – avoid their company. Don’t worry about hurting their feelings; they already hurt like mad, and you’re making it easier for them to get over you. Go to 7.
6) Do you want them to remain limerent for you?
If yes – you’re a narcissist. Go and take a look in the mirror and repeat the mantra “I suck. Every day I will strive to be less selfish.”
If no – Good for you. Go to 7.
7) Is it possible for you to go completely “no contact” with the limerent?
If yes – do so. Your problem is over. Congratulations!
If no – I’m afraid you’ll just have to weather this one. Their limerence will fade eventually. Until then, don’t give any mixed messages or try to be their friend. They won’t be able to manage it, and you’ll have to put up with their weirdness for longer.
As a limerent, I would like to thank all those non-limerents out there who already follow these rules of thumb. You’re doing a solid job of being a thoughtful human. Cheers.
This is one of the most important posts on the site. In fact I think there should be billboards worldwide and at every bus stop with this info emblazened.
I LOVE the line “I suck. Every day I will strive to be less selfish”.
Brilliance there.
I do suck and I’m trying to be less selfish…I love his attention though. Yup, I am a narcissistic evil person. May the 7 gods forgive me!
I do suck and I’m trying to be less selfish…I love his attention though. Yup, I am a narcissistic evil person. May the 7 gods forgive me!
“If yes – Communicate to them in clear terms that you do not reciprocate their feelings. Do not try to spare their feelings by giving vague or non-committal responses. You are not lessening their pain by “letting them down gently”, you are prolonging their limerence through ambiguity.”
I think clear communication is the hardest thing to pull off. From what I’ve read, limerence can convince the limerent sufferer that LO is his/her soul mate, all evidence to the contrary. How do you say, “Um, hello, I’m not your soul mate” if someone wants to argue the complete opposite and gets upset at the very suggestion that the soul-mate fantasy isn’t a mutual one?
The closest I’ve ever come to communicating clearly with someone who is chasing me is to tell them I don’t want to be “emotionally enmeshed” with them, they’re not respecting my boundaries, and they need to give me space. Usually, this explanation only creates more confusion. If someone’s romantic yearnings are still only subconscious, disillusionment is nigh-impossible. The limerent needs to admit their desire to themselves first in order to be receptive to rejection…
That’s just my feelings on the subject at present. 😛
Exactly, Sammy! The flirting with me is so covert that I can’t address it. If I mention something they tell me it’s all in my head. Funny how I can point to ten people who have never flirted with me but your flirting is all in my head (smh). No way out other than to leave.
I’ve said it a lot on this forum since I figured it out. And it is one of the biggest things I realized on the better side of my limerence ….. it is not LO’s fault we the limerents can’t see reality. We are the ones putting them on a pedestal. We are the ones misreading normal human pleasantries as something more. We are the ones reading to much into a “thank you”. WE are the ones that need to see that maybe, just maybe LO isn’t comfortable with our interactions but is too nice to voice it. Us limerents, especially us married limerents, might just be ruining two relationships at the same time. You could have had a nice friendship and a healthy marriage and if you don’t watch it you will have neither. But then maybe I am just being bitter because I might have ruined a possible friendship and …. well time will tell. As Dr L said, the time tolerated for the limerent to heal is not up to the limerent but the spouse of the limerent. Hopefully my time hasn’t run out.
Yes, Adam, I think you are right. I had not read this early blog in my trawls through the site. It is powerful because it looks at things from a different slant. The Emotional Affairs link got me thinking too. With hindsight, I was insensitive to the impact on the people who were limerent for me, perhaps partly because I have never been in a relationship.
As for my own limerence, I still feel stuck in daily rumination after six months of no contact. There were mutual feelings but surely I need to be the grown up here.
Here are some extracts from the message which I spent ages writing, only as a cathartic journal. It probably needs to be deleted now because I would like to send it to L.O. There are definitely some clichés in there.
— 0 —
“I now realise, of course, that you are ghosting me; I was slow to pick up the vibes and to believe what was happening. Those grey ticks, blue ticks etc….”
“……..nevertheless, being ghosted by a trusted friend, without an explanation, is incredibly hurtful. It’s a very deep cut indeed and it is one of the most insensitive things that one person can do to another. ”
“Things change, and I now understand what happened, but I had to piece it all together. Again, I was remarkably slow on the uptake.”
“Believe it or not, you had become my closest friend and mutual confidante. I will not forget your instinctive kindness, the affection and your sense of humour.”
— 0 —
Hmm…. Even I can see that the extracts are not really a good look. But is it really so wrong to let a L.O. have an inkling? Maybe this is an opportunity for me to be kind, as hard as it may be, and just let it go. Perhaps planning a trip for 2024 would be a better way to spend my time.
Well, there are some clever and thoughtful people posting across this site at the moment. Me – I seem to be a grumpy old basket these days although I really wasn’t that bad before limerence.
Posts don’t last very long on the list because of the sheer volume these days.
I’m probably just repeating a theme because I think I am stuck, totally stuck.
All comments carefully noted, if you have any. Any questions answered, of course…….
It may be time for me to call it a day.
I feel like you mean Frederico, but maybe LO just doesn’t have it in them right now to take you on and is just too nice to tell you otherwise. I’ve read on here plenty of times it’s not good to disclose. That it changes the dynamics of things.
I’m not well versed on your story and believe me, I know it sucks to be stuck. I’m stuck myself right now, so my advice is probably crap. All I can say is, keep working your way through it and hopefully you can come up with a decision that works best for you. Continue to be kind, Anger in the long run never wins.
frederico
” With hindsight, I was insensitive to the impact on the people who were limerent for me, perhaps partly because I have never been in a relationship.”
I don’t think of LO that way. The other female co-worker I had, who left earlier this year, but was there when LO was too, was a nice lady too. And I didn’t misread any of her pleasantries or nice words. LO probably didn’t treat me any different than if I hadn’t been limerent. I didn’t see too much difference between before and after the glimmer in her behavior. The limerent is the responsible party for the limerence developing. I may not understand why one woman in 23 years of marriage threatened my own moral compass and by extension my marriage, without a single effort to do so on her part. But that still doesn’t put the blame on a limerent object.
“As for my own limerence, I still feel stuck in daily rumination after six months of no contact. There were mutual feelings but surely I need to be the grown up here.”
I would say the ruminations on a daily were easily longer than six months for me. Seeing as it was six months before I even thought about disclosing to my wife, and that was only after I found this place. I may never had told her if I hadn’t found out about limerence. Like many people here told me when I first got here, it takes time. And I honestly can’t say there is any one thing that helped rid myself of the ruminations and intrusive thoughts. The length of NC is really probably the best thing. I’m not gonna lie to you, I was having a really bad day yesterday evening and I looked at her Facebook page. She hadn’t posted since last year. I saw a picture of her and her daughters and closed the tab. It’s been a long time since I checked her Facebook.
As far as sending your LO anything, the last thing I sent to LO (and her gentleman friend) was a Christmas gift for them along with a card in 2022 in care of the office she use to work in before she left. In my card I mostly wrote a good-bye letter. I wished her the best in the future with her man and with her new job. I told her I enjoyed working with her and was so glad to have met her and known her in my life. And then I basically signed it “your friend Adam”. And in a joking PS I asked her not to forget sending me a wedding invitation. And that was it.
I think sometimes if I ever saw LO again or if she called I would want to say “I’m sorry for the position I put you in.” But if she didn’t see it was anything more than me being friendly or possibly a crush, why drag her back into my limerent drama? She deserves better than that. Because the blame and the guilt are mine not hers. As gracious as she is if I told her about limerence she would probably think it was her fault or she had some blame in it and beat herself up about it. I don’t want her to ever feel that way. If just for the sake or her own memories I hope she left with a positive view of are time together as co-workers, and not something negative.
Obviously in your case it can only be your decision. My memory isn’t doing well so I can’t remember if your LO is married or in a committed relationship. But consider, if he is, how your reveal would affect his existing relationship. What if he choose to tell his wife/partner? Limerence has enough drama with it’s existence alone much less involving more than the limerent him/herself. Just my two cents.
“You could have had a nice friendship and a healthy marriage and if you don’t watch it you will have neither.”
Like what happens to MJ..
Preach Brother Adam, Preach!!
….although I guess friendship, with someone you have been limerent for, can be tricky.
MJ says
JULY 6, 2023 AT 8:41 PM
MJ, thank you for taking the trouble. Your response is so wise and I know, deep down, that what you say is very sound advice.
Your entire comment is powerful and it has stopped me in my tracks.
Thank you so much; I know that you have a lot to contend with.
Kindest regards,
frederico
“Thank you so much; I know that you have a lot to contend with.”
You’re very welcome. True I have a lot to contend with, but when a person is struggling like you are, I’m never too busy to help. If I can help anybody out here, then that helps me to know all of my LE is doing good for someone..
Adam says
JULY 6, 2023 AT 9:23 PM
Adam. Thank you so much. I have felt as if I am stuck at a crossroads. You and MJ have made me think further and realise what, deep down, I know is the right thing to do. That is, I must do nothing. It’s pathetic that I still keep hanging on.
I am sorry that you looked at your LO’s Facebook page. That must have caused you some pain.
Looking at your last paragraph, my battle is a simple one really. I should follow the advice in the appropriate blogs about “ghosting” and “when things go sour” etc. but this is perhaps the most difficult battle of my life. My LO is indeed in a loving relationship with a SO and they have an adorable daughter. Of course, as an older gay man, that puts me in an “embarrassing” position. The “killer” for me is that LO seemed to fall for me at least as much as I fell for him. Neither of us really understood what was happening g because it was such an unlikely friendship in so many ways. Anyway, despite the memories of kindness and affection, to say nothing of the hugs, the like of which I have never known before, I need somehow to be kind, mature and gracious.
I still want to send him that note but I realise that, like deleting his photos and emails, I should now delete my “cathartic’ notes.
Thanks again.
frederico
This maybe representative of only me and not heterosexual men in general but hugs seems suspect to me. I don’t even hug male family members. Mostly because I didn’t grow up seeing it or experiencing it. When I meet/say goodbye to a male or female acquantice its a handshake. Even LO. First time I met her in person I shook her hand. I wouldn’t think of hugging her. To me that crosses a line to hug a co-worker, especially a woman. So if he was the initiator or readily received them I could see as a homosexual man how that might be confusing to you or seeming to lead you on. I mean how the hell do you know he’s not bisexual and repressing it. Or you have in an innocuous way made him curious. LOs can certainly be welcoming of the attention because who the hell doesn’t like it. And thats all it was. Thats just my two cents.
Yes, interesting thoughts, Adam. He just looked me in the eye and spontaneously hugged me one day. It was very powerful indeed, all that affection. Then, before he left, he hugged me many times. I did not resist.
I was then still deluded that this was to be a close lifelong friendship.
This has helped – a lot. I hope you have a great weekend.
frederico
I was thinking of this memory I had many years ago as I was driving home today and it made me think of your LO and you. But more role reversal.
Back in my mid 20’s my wife and I were looking to relocate to a different part of the state. I was at the customer service counter of a business waiting for my interview and a employee approached me and asked me if I had been helped. I told him that I was just waiting for my interview. He was an older man than me. Probably in his late 30’s, early 40’s. He said that he was getting off in an hour or so and asked me if he could take me out and buy me some drinks. I told him that I was married and he apologized. I told him there was nothing to apologize for and that I rarely turned down free drinks. He was a handsome man too. Like Jason Statham (who my wife says I have a man crush on) handsome.
After he left I got to thinking about all that he had to face for that interaction. Is he even homosexual? If he is, does he have a partner? Is he heterosexual? If he is, is he a homophobe? It really hit me all the chances that he had to take for that one question to me. What the hell about some scrawny no name middle class dude did he see something in to take those chances? And then it just hit me. I was totally flattered. I was like the hottest most brick house woman on earth would have no stake in asking me the same thing. But he did. I teased my wife endlessly for a while that even the men were after me lol I cannot fathom heterosexual guys getting offended by getting a pass by another man. That’s like the ultimate compliment.
*frederico hastily Googles Jason Statham*
Adam, thank you so much for sharing this story – it made me laugh. Goodness, he must have been a very bold man indeed. I think it was (typically) kind of you not to be offended and to see it as the ultimate compliment.
I feel a bit embarrassed to tell you this, after all the kindness I have received here recently, but my LO has sent me a message out of the blue.
My reaction, after the six months of enforced No Contact, was strange because it made me feel remarkably calm but I am now in a different position. I don’t think I can totally ignore the message because that would be kind of cruel.
He apologised profusely for the lack of contact and explained the work and parental pressures of his life. Then he asked what I had been up to etc.
I have drafted a reply which is unemotional, except for a brief reference to ‘ghosting’, and I will not mention anything about meeting up. I can do this; just steer a middle course. It took me a while to decide to even reply. That is progress and I plan to use everything I have learned here over the past few months to avoid a regression.
All best wishes to you and your family, Adam.