Earlier this month, Fenna van den Berg and I launched a new community site for people whose partners have developed limerence for someone outside the relationship.
Since then, we’ve been very busy with the founder members, figuring out what’s most helpful for them, and trying to make sense of some of the hardest problems that limerence creates in relationships.
Despite the sometimes harrowing circumstances that people find themselves in as they deal with the emotional hurricanes of betrayal, it’s been a positive experience.
So, I thought I’d share some of the most interesting things that have happened so far.
1. We have a name
The community is now called: Surviving Partner Limerence.
We wanted a simple name that includes limerence, but that also makes it clear that it’s specifically for the partners, not a joint community with the limerents.
This is not because we don’t want to support limerents.
That would be a bit odd, given I am one and I’ve been working on helping limerents for quite a long time now.
The point is, partners need a separate space because it allows them to think out loud, ask painful questions, and voice fears they’re not sure they’re strong enough to face.
And they need to be able to do that without worrying that they might be jeopardising an already shaky emotional bond.
Being candid and honest is really helpful for clarifying what you can do when your partner is limerent for someone else.
And it can sometimes feel like a battle for survival.
2. The vibe is great
There’s a lot of sadness and loss and anxiety in the discussions we have—naturally enough—but there is also humour and kindness and courage.
In Britain, we call this “Blitz spirit”, where Londoners remained stoical and soberly optimistic in the face of the German bombing campaign in World War II.
The sense of solidarity, mutual care and support is really powerful.
Can’t help feeling we were lucky with our founder members.
3. The pattern is forming
One of the defining features of communities is that they evolve. Fenna and I were very open to the fact that we probably wouldn’t guess right from the start how the site would be used, and what resources would be most valuable.
A few weeks in, the pattern is starting to form.
Much of the community chat is individual people talking about their own situations, and getting feedback and support from the other members.
Sometimes people just need to vent, and that’s fine too.
Occasionally, it becomes clear that there is a problem that lots of people face. Fenna and I can then add a new article to the library, or a new lesson to a course, or schedule a livestream, to discuss that topic in general terms.
That means we’re building up both passive and active channels for meeting the four big goals:
- Knowledge (getting the facts about limerence)
- Shared understanding
- Emotional support
- Practical support
It feels like a positive feedback loop, which is… positive.
4. The first livestream was great
A few days ago, we had our first livestream on the topic of forgiveness.
I’ve written about this before, but from the perspective of a limerent seeking forgiveness.
This time, the talk was about how to know when you are ready to forgive and understanding the difference between “internal” forgiveness (i.e. emotional acceptance and letting go of anger and resentment) and “external” forgiveness (i.e. agreeing to move on into the future without holding old betrayals against them).
I’m sure that was helpful, but by far the most useful moment from my perspective came when we switched to Q&A. The first question was:
How do you forgive when you don’t know what you’re being asked to forgive?
That unlocked a whole discussion about trust, secrecy, what should be disclosed, what are reasonable expectations for openness, and how to know when you are seeking assurance and when you risk torturing yourself by dwelling on all the details of a betrayal.
It reinforced again how useful dialogue is for getting to the heart of problems.
We’ll be doing more, for sure.
5. It’s going well
So, in summary, I’m delighted with the project so far.
I’m learning a lot, there’s a great community spirit, and it definitely feels like progress is being made.
So, if you are in the situation where your long-term partner has developed limerence for someone else, and you are looking for knowledge, understanding, and emotional and practical support, please do join us.
Details can be found here:
https://www.skool.com/survivingpartnerlimerence/about
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