This is the biographical post. Feel free to skip, if looking for more universal themes.
I suppose my first experience of limerence was a crushing crush on a girl at school (we were both 16/17 at the time). She was short, and pretty, with long brown hair, and no interest in me. I gazed at her in Biology lessons. And thought about her relentlessly. I eventually plucked up the courage to tell her, and suffered the crushing pain of rejection (somewhat leavened by the deep-down awareness that it was bloody obvious she didn’t feel the same). There was some relief from the telling and the certainty of disclosure, and looking back, I think it would be more accurate to describe it as proto-limerence (I certainly got over it quickly enough when I left school).
My second experience of limerence was the real thing. I was at university, and had a few simmering attractions, but nothing too noteworthy until I met LO1. She was completely inappropriate for the earnest young man that I was. Loud (gobby even), eight years older, smart-alec, a smoker and frequent user of illicit substances, tatooed and pierced (when that wasn’t a commonplace), engaged to someone else, and underneath the brash and confident exterior, deeply vulnerable and emotionally wounded. I liked her immediately. Many of my friends did not. Most importantly, in retrospect, there was obvious mutual sexual attraction (even obvious to a naif like me – LO1 wasn’t subtle). We spent a lot of time together, got drunk together, and I got more and more addicted. It was an optimal mix for limerence. She was engaged (adversity!), but her fiancé was often away for long periods (hope!). She was obviously interested (reciprocation!), but would back off from guilt or shame (uncertainty!). I meanwhile, pined and obsessed and desperately tried and failed to stop the intrusive thoughts and, you know, do some studying. In the end, I got so frustrated that I started dating someone else. Someone perfect for me. Someone single (good start), pretty, quirky and funny, who helped out at homeless shelters and animal sanctuaries (I’m not exaggerating), and who didn’t stand a chance in hell of securing my affections while LO1 existing in the world. After a few guilt-ridden months I called it off. Lesson learned: you don’t get to choose who you are infatuated with. I still have LO1’s phone number in my wallet.
My third experience of limerence was in my early twenties, when I met my wife. This one is your basic fairytale. Saw her across a crowded room. Knew immediately that this was someone almost certainly wholly inappropriate, and therefore irresistible. Bumped into her in said crowded room and hit it off. Caught the same train together after the party so we could keep talking. Arranged to meet again. And again. Reciprocation, bliss, marriage, kids, lasting affectional bonding.
My fourth experience of limerence was… unexpected after 15 years of happy marriage. It was also the stimulus for me discovering limerence as a concept, and starting this blog. LO3 worked for me (big red flag number one). Was engaged to someone else (big red flag number two). Was a skillful and inveterate flirt (eh, it’s all red flags from here on in), and we spent a lot of time together, talking. Knowing what I know now, all the elements are there: a sense of mutual attraction, uncertainty, adversity, and opportunity for intense interaction and bonding. It felt great. After a long period of contentedness, the thrill of novelty and the mania of limerence. Except now, for the first time in my life, limerence was a net negative force. I felt high a lot of the time, but then went home to my family and could not turn off thoughts about LO3. You can kid yourself for a while that you can handle it, and take the good without having to deal with the bad, but eventually you have to confront the fact that you are telling yourself a convenient lie. Spending “quality” time with my children whilst distracted continuously by thoughts of LO3 was the deciding factor. Some lies are too big to ignore.
So, simple enough: the escalating limerence has to stop. Usefully, I was getting the vibe from LO3 that she wanted it to stop too. So, I’ll just turn it off then: *turns switch*… *turns switch again*… *turns switch increasingly frantically*… Oh shit.
Then followed a period of introspection, study into male mid-life crises (I’m such a cliche), the discovery of limerence and the road to Damascus moment. I’m making it sound linear, but it wasn’t. In the midst of the angst, I disclosed to my wife what was happening. She wasn’t very happy, but she also knows me so well that she had had an inkling. There followed some frank and… emotionally charged conversations about the state of our marriage. Once I’d learned about limerence I described it to her. And then came the kicker: she was a serial limerent herself. It turns out that I’m a lightweight. All through our marriage, she has wrestled with the same issues. Hooray! Crap!
So, we are now emerging from a rather tumultuous period. Our marriage has lost some of the innocence of ignorance, but we are both wiser and better equipped to face the challenge of limerence in the future. No more fairytales, but then that’s not a sensible way to live, after all.
LO3 no longer works for me, but I still see her occasionally. We keep the topics of conversation light, and the limerence has faded. She’s still one of my favourite people to spend time with, but I know that friendship is impossible, and I’m OK with that.
After rereading this, it dawned on me that I haven’t had 3 LOs, I had 4. The girl I dated in college sounds remarkably like the girl you dated. She was an unsuitable LTR candidate but one whole load of fun to hang out with.
She’d blow hot and cold. One thing I noticed was she usually had to have a few drinks in her before having sex. I told a friend that I found it somewhat demoralizing that she didn’t appear to want to have sex with me when she was sober. He asked if she was drunk/stoned or sober when she arrived. She was always stone cold sober. He said she wanted to have sex and was drinking to get past something.
That something turned out to be her boyfriend in another state. I found out about him later from her roommate. It didn’t stop me, it actually made things easier. As the “other guy,” I wasn’t exactly robbing the bank, I was more like driving the getaway car. No integrity there. Integrity wouldn’t really assert itself for a few more years.
Uncertainty, intermittent reinforcement, hope, it was all there.
Yeah, that’s the cocktail. It doesn’t help that we’re most of us fumbling our way into adult life during college/university and trying to pretend we’re totally cool about all this romance stuff. If ever there was a hotbed for uncertainty, it’s a group of emotionally unsophisticated horny young adults acting like they know what they’re doing, when they don’t.
Here’s a follow-on: How do jealousy and envy relate to limerence?
My LE with LO #1 was the only time in my life that I experienced jealousy. Even though I knew she was unsuitable and we’d ended the acquaintance, it really bothered me. I knew she was going back to her boyfriend. But, the thought of another man’s hands on her drove me nuts.
LO #2 declined my marriage proposal. We had an amicable parting. When she told me she was seeing someone else, it felt like someone had kicked me in the stomach and I wanted to throw up. As she talked, an overwhelming sense of calm came over me like someone had given me a shot of Demerol. What I didn’t feel was jealous. I didn’t care she was sleeping with someone else. Still don’t.
I had a still different reaction with LO #4. When she said she was seeing someone after her breakup, I envied the guy. He had her attention and affection which is something I (thought) I wanted. I thought I wanted her attention and affection. I had told her earlier that I’d envy any man who could earn her trust and respect.
3 LOs, 3 different reactions.
Good question, Sharnhorst. I have a few ideas, but will reflect on it for a bit and then write a post, because it’s often a big issue for limerents.
“I’m such a cliche”
Me too!
Thanks for sharing your story. I’m coming to find there’s a lot of comfort in knowing that all the hugely important, earth-shaking moments of LE were nothing special at all.
Normal for limerents.
What a relief.
I choose not to consider any previous or proto-LEs and simply (heh) commit to a life of existential nihilism and non-attachment. I tell myself that I will run at the first sign of a glimmer, if I ever have the great misfortune to be triggered again.
I am curious about your comment regarding LO1’s phone number. Do you still have that?
I have LO as a contact, but am planning to delete when I go NC and am actively avoiding looking at the number because I know my terribly good memory will hold it for as long as humanly possible.
I never heard of limerence until a few weeks ago and I’m a damned psychologist! But, man oh man was I caught in one until a few weeks ago. It is still there but not as overwhelming as it was two months ago. I had a fleeting fantasy of leaving my thirty year marriage for this woman (not really, but really in some way). I knew my LO for about a year before she said something that indicated she had some sort of interest in me. Prior to that I saw her as this quirky, very pretty woman, but other than that, zilch. But her words to me (I was going to be gone for a week), “I’m going to miss you” and then a few weeks later after she was gone for a week “Did you miss me?” This did something emotionally and physically to my heart. A tremendous upwelling of affection and adoration poured forth. I felt it physically in my chest. It felt like I had been living in an emotional desert for years and suddenly it was Spring time. I associated songs of love and loss with her. I would sob in my car thinking that I could never be with her. I had fantasies of declaring my love to her. But my fantasies ended there. I never thought of what she’d say back to me. Interesting. I knew something was really out of whack with me so I started to do some research and found this informal diagnostic term of limerence. Damn, did it fit. So, I’ve stopped listening to the songs. I see this woman a few times a week, but she’s slowly turning back to what she was before, a casual friend. Ideally I would go no contact with her, but circumstances don’t allow it. But I do miss my LO who is a lovely fantasy.
It always blows my mind reading another experience SO SIMILAR to mine. Thank you for sharing. It’s shocking/comforting/sad/relieving. I’m also coming off a recent limerent episode, a terribly intense one. I was at 100% thoughts of this person all day long for about 6 weeks. Then it dipped down to 20% for a week or so and this week I’m around 40%. I was missing it and I’ve been triggering myself with memories and photos of this person and songs and it’s getting more intense again. But not like it was before thank god. I feel insane. I am no longer around this person physically (we worked a short job together away from where I live) and if I’m busy throughout the day it seems to keep away for long chunks of time (well NOW it does – for those 6 weeks it didn’t matter what I did, my LO shrouded every single thought I had and every movement I made all day long and it was absolutely exhausting and also thrilling) but when I’m not busy, the thoughts swoop in and I feel so sad yet comforted for a little while. Damn. It’s such a beast. I ache so badly to know this person in an intimate way. I’ve been married for 15 years. I love my partner. But the longing and keeping the secret of the longing, it’s just overwhelming sometimes.
I too worked with LO temporarily for about 4-5 months. And in that time she went from a pleasant co-worker to an LO. When she hit that trigger it went blank. My brain was only thinking of her. It’s been 23 years we have been married. We’ve had our ups and downs but I love my wife. But this woman got in my head. Like she got in my head that I spoke of her subconsciously, as in speaking her name and things about her in my sleep.
I have not seen or spoken to LO in over a year. But yeah I get the triggers. For me it is mostly music. I listen to songs that remind me of her. I try to keep most other things under wraps, checking her social media. But for the most part music is the easiest to escape with. And difficult to avoid even when I try to listen to “neutral” songs.
Idle time does indeed lead to intrusive thoughts of LO. Not a healthy plan but I find some drinks and occupying myself with some of my hobbies help my brain stay active on something other than LO. I stayed home from work sick yesterday and it was difficult to direct my mind elsewhere while I laid in bed in between sleep and awake. Thankfully the intrusive thoughts have subsided for the most part. Now it’s more my own active choice to dwell on her or not. Thankfully I am at least aware enough to maintain NC and let her live her life. She met someone that makes her happy and cares for her. And she deserves that.
Those deep down feelings you felt for her are very reminiscent of feelings I have for my LO. Difference being that you know her and my LO is all about fantasy. I do all the same things. I listen to sad songs, ruminate, weep, just that whole upwelling of affection and desire to be with LO, like you mention. This has been on ongoing thing with me for over a year now.
You must also have a really strong marriage to be able to quell your feelings like that. Good for you. Limerence has overall been a roller coaster of emotion for me. I really wouldn’t wish it on anyone.
Thanks for sharing your story. I wish more therapists and psychologists knew more about this condition. I swear a Therapist I tried talking to about this, reacted like I lost my mind. It’s crazy..
Hey MJ,
My limerence formed when my wife and I were having a rough time. We felt estranged from one another and actually talked calmly about the possibility of divorce. Spooky stuff. I think this fed into the limerence. But my wife and I are good now. We started spending a lot of time together and it brought us closer together. I love my wife and she loves me. But I was “in” love with my LO which was intoxicating but in so many ways not real. My feelings created/projected an ideal other that can’t exist. I find it interesting that my feelings toward my LO had not a hint of sexual desire and I am a very sexual person. Limerence seems to be all from “the heart” at least for me.
For myself, I can say that I mainly feel a lot of heart for my LO, wanting to be with her, hang out, go to movies, go to dinner, normal relationship stuff. But I also can feel a ton of sexual desire, if I allow myself to go there. She is a very attractive Woman, and much younger than myself. I am 52 and she is 28. We are co-workers.. Well almost, I should say. We work for the same company, spread out through 3 different buildings, and she now works in the facility next door to me.
I have probably been somewhat limerent my entire life. Having strong attractions for many different females and even while I was married. I was divorced in 2011 but limerence was not the reason. It wasn’t until about a year ago, when another relationship of mine unraveled and since I had been working with LO for a few months then, I tried to get her attention in the office. Noticing her as I would pass and try to catch her eye. It worked and one happy Friday upon my passing she smiled at me. Which was like a limerence meteorite (I call it) hitting my heart and my feelings for her just exploded that day. The glimmer was so intense. I’d never felt anything like it. Still can’t wish it away. So if any of my other love interests were limerent, they were very pale comparison to what this experience has felt like.
Wow… “a limerence meteorite”. You nailed it. My current LO, the same thing happened. We also worked together (no longer because it was a temporary job) but it was long enough that there was a routine we had and one day they suddenly turned around and smiled right at me and it’s like my whole body exploded with glimmer dust and I was a goner. It’s like I had never felt to alive. Too bad we’re both married :/
I brought breakfast to work one day. She asked “Adam did you buy breakfast?”. I said “Yes.” And she smiled and said “I’m starving, thank you Adam you are so sweet.” And like MJ says and like the magic summons spell in Final Fantasy 7, the glimmer meteorite hit me and I couldn’t do anything about it.
Bob,
I never had sexual feelings or thoughts of LO either. And in my older age my libido has ramp up since my early 30’s. And LO (former co-worker) was a very beautiful and fit woman. In fact, when she started seeing someone (she was single when I first met her) people would always misinterpret my body language or facial expression when I’d seem them together as jealousy. But it wasn’t. I just wanted to make sure he kept is hands to himself. Cause I know how some men can be. So I got teased endlessly by my other co-workers when he’d come see her that I was jealous lol
Same! When I try to talk to therapists about it they act like I’m speaking jibberish and I’m always brushed off. It’s maddening. One finally knew and taught me about love addiction. They didn’t use the term limerence but they at least understood what I was going through and gave me some tools to help.
Dr L – I just found your blog after listening to the “Recovery Room” podcast at 3am on Monday eve. I’m so glad I did!
I am also a midlife cliche. My current LE involves a very attractive man from my gym, 12 years younger than me (I’m 49, he is 37). We are both married with kids. We started talking to each other about a year ago. He was friendly and chatty without being a nuisance. I looked forward to seeing him when we would run into each other. But I quickly felt some flirtation on his side, from which I initially tried to hide. I didn’t want him to “like” me, only to realize I was so much older and maybe not “on his level.” But he was pretty persistent, so I let myself go with it, despite feeling the “glimmer” coming on. I enjoyed his attention and compliments and how he would linger around to talk to me. We connected on social media. But at certain points, he would go a little distant, and leave me feeling like I was the pursuer. I am not a chaser, so the moment I felt the push on his side, I would feel irrationally deflated but after a period of time, I’d make peace with it. He would always come back around though, and I began feeling addicted to this inconsistent attention. I found myself feeling ok as long as he’d like my pictures on social media. I craved his validation. Eventually, he began texting me. The messages were flirty and suggestive but playful. He would send me selfies, then ask the same from me. Later, it became more aggressive with naked pictures and sexting. I found myself thinking about him constantly. Unable to focus on family or work or anything. My moods were completely dictated by the attention I received from him, or lack thereof. I realized I had to pull back. As attracted as I am, I don’t want to have an affair and I don’t want to get caught messing around over text. The messages would stop for a while, then we’d see each other and it would start all over again. I once again had to tell him to stop, and this time I think he was annoyed. It’s been 2 months since we’ve seen each other. He stopped liking my pictures, and it almost feels like a punishment, like he’s cut me off. My predicament now is that I’m so preoccupied with getting him to want me again, seeking his validation and approval. I almost feel powerless without it, like I’ve resigned all of my self worth to this one guy and his opinion of me. And it’s not even because I want HIM per se! I want the approval and validation he provides. It just seems ridiculous that this external person has a stranglehold over my sense of self worth, even though this is not the first time I’ve experienced LE 🙁
Wow. Yes. I feel this so deeply. “A stranglehold over my sense of self worth…” Exactly. When I have LOs attention, it’s the most intense high I’ve ever felt in my life. And when he seems distant…I dissolve.